The one thing that I have noticed is how "slow" and forgetful I am these days. It could be the treatment it may be the Statins it may be just old age but blast it all, I forget things that I never used to forget before! Like making a phone call that I should have done this morning - my alarm went off but that isn't a lot of use when I wasn't even anywhere near to hear it go off! I've just recalled that I should have been doing something. I thought perhaps I should be out somewhere or doing something and when I went to look, there it was a missed phone call. Blast it!
If there is one thing I miss it is my previous ability to have all my tasks worked out and to tackle them - these days I write out the list and promptly forget where I put the damn thing!
Anyway - I am looking forward to tomorrow so much. I am off to Canterbury to go on this course and I will see how I stack up against the competition and what the "experts" reckon on taking up a researchers role. I have printed off some business cards as a temporary measure so I can hand those out and start networking early. I just need to check train times and get my stuff together for the morning and I can go off and enjoy myself. After the meeting I am going to be going out for a few beers with a very nice guy who is helping my daughter with her photography and lets her use his studio and facilities. As he wont allow us to pay for the materials I ought to at least buy him a slap up meal and a beer!
Friday, February 08, 2008
Friday again
Where did the week go to again? It is Friday and suddenly another week has gone and I couldn't tell you where the time went.
I fixed my CV up this morning and whacked that off to my friend. Let's see what they make of it? It is amazing how many really interesting and complicated projects I have been involved with over the years. I was quite impressed once I wrote down a list of some of my achievements. I haven't put them on m CV as they aren't recent and yet - these are all household names and well known businesses and buildings. These days, the recruiters tend to go on the first page only of your CV - you could turn water to wine or make gold from lead and they wouldn't notice it :-)
It will be interesting to see quite what they make of my experience and also what sort of value they put on that level of experience and expertise. There aren't too many have sat on both sides of the fence or who fully appreciate the needs of the builder and the IT personnel too.
I fixed my CV up this morning and whacked that off to my friend. Let's see what they make of it? It is amazing how many really interesting and complicated projects I have been involved with over the years. I was quite impressed once I wrote down a list of some of my achievements. I haven't put them on m CV as they aren't recent and yet - these are all household names and well known businesses and buildings. These days, the recruiters tend to go on the first page only of your CV - you could turn water to wine or make gold from lead and they wouldn't notice it :-)
It will be interesting to see quite what they make of my experience and also what sort of value they put on that level of experience and expertise. There aren't too many have sat on both sides of the fence or who fully appreciate the needs of the builder and the IT personnel too.
Way over left field
Well that was a bolt out of the blue. An old friend of mine just called - they are looking for someone who has a good background in construction and computer room design and implementation and also has good IT skills too. Strangely enough, there aren't too many people can do all the building work and understand the IT piece too. Can I send my CV in tomorrow? Well I suppose I can and see where that goes. It is a bit strange as there have been a number of e-mails and phone calls with people after my services.
I ought to follow this one up as it is a massive corporate and household name and that in itself would be interesting to me. It wouldn't do any harm I suppose to go and look at it at least. Perhaps that is what I need in the short term - someone to think for me?
I got a lot done yesterday - I am still up because the oldest has been out to a concert in London and has just got back! She seems happy enough as the band gave away some freebies and she got a handful of them - the freebies that is!
Still no news about Chicago although the registration has now commenced there is no program published either as of yet. I hope I hear soon as that will also determine what I do this year too. I can then get to and plan what I will do about holiday/vacation in and around Illinois. Buffalo/Niagara and Rochester are all within striking distance so perhaps spend some time driving around the lakes.
Anyway - it is late and I need to get off to bed as I have to get myself ready for Saturday and my course and work out train times and so on.
I ought to follow this one up as it is a massive corporate and household name and that in itself would be interesting to me. It wouldn't do any harm I suppose to go and look at it at least. Perhaps that is what I need in the short term - someone to think for me?
I got a lot done yesterday - I am still up because the oldest has been out to a concert in London and has just got back! She seems happy enough as the band gave away some freebies and she got a handful of them - the freebies that is!
Still no news about Chicago although the registration has now commenced there is no program published either as of yet. I hope I hear soon as that will also determine what I do this year too. I can then get to and plan what I will do about holiday/vacation in and around Illinois. Buffalo/Niagara and Rochester are all within striking distance so perhaps spend some time driving around the lakes.
Anyway - it is late and I need to get off to bed as I have to get myself ready for Saturday and my course and work out train times and so on.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Breaking the bonds
Gradually I can feel myself making positive progress forwards. I'm not quite as focused on the baggage dragging along from the past at the moment, maybe because I have done something about it? This morning feels a lot better and I don't know, perhaps as I actually talked to someone about it last night or that in a week their response to the tribunal should be through and things can move on. Production of some hard evidence would be useful I suppose.
It was a good night out last night - I really enjoyed myself and the only thing is that this morning I still ave this sore throat and very very slight cold. It is just there in the background - I expect the immunotherapy is beating it up as we speak!
Lots of things to get on with today and I've already sorted out one batch of letters and posters to send out for the Easter Egg hunt which is looming large this year.
I now need to get cracking on a load of labels and addresses for a mass mailing I have to do - thank goodness that most of the stuff now goes out by e-mail.
Well - I'd better go and get stuck in to that I suppose.
It was a good night out last night - I really enjoyed myself and the only thing is that this morning I still ave this sore throat and very very slight cold. It is just there in the background - I expect the immunotherapy is beating it up as we speak!
Lots of things to get on with today and I've already sorted out one batch of letters and posters to send out for the Easter Egg hunt which is looming large this year.
I now need to get cracking on a load of labels and addresses for a mass mailing I have to do - thank goodness that most of the stuff now goes out by e-mail.
Well - I'd better go and get stuck in to that I suppose.
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
So many things to do, so many excuses not to do them
I got the table plan and dining cards sorted out and then two people cried off so had to re-do the lot. It is too late now - if they can't get their act together then so be it! They will just have to be sat where I put them and tough luck.
It was quite amusing some time ago when someone forgot to tell me until the day he was dining and I put him out of order with his rank and position - after the meal he was quite indignant. To which I used the now famous words "Did it make your food taste any different?" and "Well, it was hardly life threatening now was it?" I believe he may have complained about me but who gives a toss! Life's too short.
Talking of which, I still cannot get my a**e in gear. It is just so easy to get distracted or lose time over the day - it just bleeds away - a bit here and a bit there. I've been mucking about with this dining plan for about 3 hours. It should be a 45 minute job at most. I've spent time reading some blogs, looking at a few web sites. OK I did a little bit of research on shopping carts for my potential new business too but as my old boss used to say "Never confuse effort with achievement".
Mind you, I'm not feeling that bright and have been yawning most of this afternoon and have taken tablets for this sore throat which doesn't seem to be going away although (touch wood) it isn't getting any worse either.
At least the meeting this afternoon will cheer me up.
It was quite amusing some time ago when someone forgot to tell me until the day he was dining and I put him out of order with his rank and position - after the meal he was quite indignant. To which I used the now famous words "Did it make your food taste any different?" and "Well, it was hardly life threatening now was it?" I believe he may have complained about me but who gives a toss! Life's too short.
Talking of which, I still cannot get my a**e in gear. It is just so easy to get distracted or lose time over the day - it just bleeds away - a bit here and a bit there. I've been mucking about with this dining plan for about 3 hours. It should be a 45 minute job at most. I've spent time reading some blogs, looking at a few web sites. OK I did a little bit of research on shopping carts for my potential new business too but as my old boss used to say "Never confuse effort with achievement".
Mind you, I'm not feeling that bright and have been yawning most of this afternoon and have taken tablets for this sore throat which doesn't seem to be going away although (touch wood) it isn't getting any worse either.
At least the meeting this afternoon will cheer me up.
Slightly Empty yet Overloaded
I saw a blog post from someone also with BC who was in "burn out". They'd got to a point where they had information overload about their condition, had lots of recurrences and more procedures than you could count on two hands. The upshot was that they were just staring at loads of paper, reports, and their job was messed up as there was no continuity through the amount of time off. Finally, they had been concentrating so hard looking inwards that they had forgotten everything else that was going on around them. That's about the time I reckon I'd just go and lie down somewhere or try and get a break.
it made me stop to think and consider that this is a lonely disease and quite an introverted one at that. I have this blog - it has been really good for getting stuff off my chest no matter how trivial it may appear. This is an outlet for much of the anger, aggression, sadness and minutiae of the things I go through. I can see that there is a build up of negative energy in the way things have panned out for me. I'm particularly disappointed that I never really got to celebrate being given the all clear and that I cancelled a lot of things for the business (and I use that term in its loosest possible meaning) that I worked for. I had a lot of focus last year on that and it took my mind off of what was going on here. I was busy and up until the end part enjoyed that. I don't have that enthusiasm at the moment nor can I get that sort of enthusiasm for this new venture. It is as if that spark has been extinguished.
What am I getting at here? Only that I begin to recognise the barriers in my way and the things I now need to overcome to get myself back on form and back to somewhere near my old self. I presently have too much time to think and analyse rather than getting on and doing. I hope that this weekend will convince me to either go or drop my business plans. Whatever way the decision goes, at least another hurdle can be navigated and things can move on.
I don't feel like I'm burnt out, I do feel like I am overloaded with detail and fact and that I am taking ages to come to decisions (not surprising considering the thought that went into taking the last job and the outcome so far). I am probably doubting my own abilities and I am still coming to terms with things round the disease, even now!
More as I work my way through this. It isn't new information, it is what I have been struggling with since December in reality. Oh well - another set of things to overcome and without my magic wand none of them will go away easily. Perhaps knowing what all these things are will make it easier to deal with - I certainly hope so, I'm not enjoying life at the moment, it is full of conflict (real or imagined) and I don't need that. I guess some of that will iron itself out in the next few weeks - let's hope so.
it made me stop to think and consider that this is a lonely disease and quite an introverted one at that. I have this blog - it has been really good for getting stuff off my chest no matter how trivial it may appear. This is an outlet for much of the anger, aggression, sadness and minutiae of the things I go through. I can see that there is a build up of negative energy in the way things have panned out for me. I'm particularly disappointed that I never really got to celebrate being given the all clear and that I cancelled a lot of things for the business (and I use that term in its loosest possible meaning) that I worked for. I had a lot of focus last year on that and it took my mind off of what was going on here. I was busy and up until the end part enjoyed that. I don't have that enthusiasm at the moment nor can I get that sort of enthusiasm for this new venture. It is as if that spark has been extinguished.
What am I getting at here? Only that I begin to recognise the barriers in my way and the things I now need to overcome to get myself back on form and back to somewhere near my old self. I presently have too much time to think and analyse rather than getting on and doing. I hope that this weekend will convince me to either go or drop my business plans. Whatever way the decision goes, at least another hurdle can be navigated and things can move on.
I don't feel like I'm burnt out, I do feel like I am overloaded with detail and fact and that I am taking ages to come to decisions (not surprising considering the thought that went into taking the last job and the outcome so far). I am probably doubting my own abilities and I am still coming to terms with things round the disease, even now!
More as I work my way through this. It isn't new information, it is what I have been struggling with since December in reality. Oh well - another set of things to overcome and without my magic wand none of them will go away easily. Perhaps knowing what all these things are will make it easier to deal with - I certainly hope so, I'm not enjoying life at the moment, it is full of conflict (real or imagined) and I don't need that. I guess some of that will iron itself out in the next few weeks - let's hope so.
Dawn Breaks
The sore throat is still here but hasn't got any worse and the sneezes are at bay at the moment. I shall take a few pills to see if I can shift it as it is quite annoying.
I'm up early as I set my mind to it and I have a stack of things to do today - not least of which is to work out how to do some partial labels in a mail merge. That will be fun.
I'm off out tonight and have to do a table plan and sort out the dining and so that is also something to get on with.
I've been OK so far this morning - I still feel sore around my middle but no debris falling out of me so far today.
I will not overdo it today though - nice and easy with the recovery. Only one more to go and this time next week I should be looking forward to a couple of months rest before the next phase!
I'm up early as I set my mind to it and I have a stack of things to do today - not least of which is to work out how to do some partial labels in a mail merge. That will be fun.
I'm off out tonight and have to do a table plan and sort out the dining and so that is also something to get on with.
I've been OK so far this morning - I still feel sore around my middle but no debris falling out of me so far today.
I will not overdo it today though - nice and easy with the recovery. Only one more to go and this time next week I should be looking forward to a couple of months rest before the next phase!
Onwards and upwards
Certainly - I have been taking it easy today and tomorrow I intend to get cracking at last and get some more off of my to do list sorted. Today I have taken it easy but i needed to as I have been having quite a bit of debris falling out of me and whilst things are a lot less sore than last week the debris tends to give off a little stinger every now and then.
I spent quite a bit of time on the new business plans today. I'm looking forward to the weekend when I go on the course run by the IHGS - Institute of Heraldic and Genealogical Studies. I think this will give me the "acid test" that I need to determine whether this really is a viable business opportunity or whether I am off on some dream. I tend to think that I can put myself to this, I certainly hope so and I really want to make a success of it if I do. After the course I hope to meet up with a friend and have a few beers and perhaps grab something to eat too.
I'm a bit worried tonight as I have been sneezing a lot and have a slight sore throat. I don't think that I have had a cold since July 2006! All this immunotherapy has seen to that. I need to be careful as it can be one of the side effects or, if I do have a cold, I have to be certain that they will let me have the last treatment - they don't want to confuse the side effects with a cold that looks like flu that is! Fingers crossed it is just me stirring up the dust in my office :-)
I spent quite a bit of time on the new business plans today. I'm looking forward to the weekend when I go on the course run by the IHGS - Institute of Heraldic and Genealogical Studies. I think this will give me the "acid test" that I need to determine whether this really is a viable business opportunity or whether I am off on some dream. I tend to think that I can put myself to this, I certainly hope so and I really want to make a success of it if I do. After the course I hope to meet up with a friend and have a few beers and perhaps grab something to eat too.
I'm a bit worried tonight as I have been sneezing a lot and have a slight sore throat. I don't think that I have had a cold since July 2006! All this immunotherapy has seen to that. I need to be careful as it can be one of the side effects or, if I do have a cold, I have to be certain that they will let me have the last treatment - they don't want to confuse the side effects with a cold that looks like flu that is! Fingers crossed it is just me stirring up the dust in my office :-)
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Ongoing Treatment
I was told a bit more about this as I explained that I was due for a Flexi but cancelled it (the right thing to do). Apparently, in the short term - no flexi at all!
I get the operation for biopsies and then further treatment and then another operation for biopsies and on we go until they are happy. The reason is that they need to look at the cellular level for the tests. The flexi can only give an overview of what is going on. So - whilst I wasn't happy that it will continue to be operations I am glad that they don't take any chances on this.
I was wondering whether there ought to be a customer rewards scheme for the Hospital - I go there often enough I could collect loads of points!
Anyway - all I need to know now is the ongoing treatment regime so I can understand that as the period between treatments slowly extends. The nightmare would be to get this to recur and have to start it off again! Let's not go there shall we :-0
I get the operation for biopsies and then further treatment and then another operation for biopsies and on we go until they are happy. The reason is that they need to look at the cellular level for the tests. The flexi can only give an overview of what is going on. So - whilst I wasn't happy that it will continue to be operations I am glad that they don't take any chances on this.
I was wondering whether there ought to be a customer rewards scheme for the Hospital - I go there often enough I could collect loads of points!
Anyway - all I need to know now is the ongoing treatment regime so I can understand that as the period between treatments slowly extends. The nightmare would be to get this to recur and have to start it off again! Let's not go there shall we :-0
Recovery from treatment 2
Well I certainly know I've had this treatment. It wasn't anywhere near as bad as I was expecting and was less than last week's in some ways. The treatment definitely worked though and there were some large bits of debris which were really the only eye watering moments. The catheter this time was OK - you'll never get used to it but it was much quicker and nowhere near as painful as last week.
I'm pretty sore around my middle - I would have said feeling like I had been "Kicked by a Mule" but I have no idea what that feels like so let's just say it feels as if someone has punched me just below the stomach and just above the Crown Jewels :-)
I intend to get a day of rest again. I could sit here and start to "do things" but I'd only put a strain on my middle and I don't want that. All I want is severe thumb strain from using the remote to dodge day-time TV - whoever invented that ought to be cathertherised and made to watch it with lots of fizzy drink!!
Anyway, only 1 more to go and then I can relax for 3 months. Then I have to have an operation. More of that next post!
I'm pretty sore around my middle - I would have said feeling like I had been "Kicked by a Mule" but I have no idea what that feels like so let's just say it feels as if someone has punched me just below the stomach and just above the Crown Jewels :-)
I intend to get a day of rest again. I could sit here and start to "do things" but I'd only put a strain on my middle and I don't want that. All I want is severe thumb strain from using the remote to dodge day-time TV - whoever invented that ought to be cathertherised and made to watch it with lots of fizzy drink!!
Anyway, only 1 more to go and then I can relax for 3 months. Then I have to have an operation. More of that next post!
Monday, February 04, 2008
Here we go then
Off now to turn off Phones and PC and then it will be a shower, loose clothes, get the MP3 player ready, the pills are there, the notebook and hold onto the rails and strap myself in for he free roller coaster ride!
Here we go treatment day 2
Well the Giants won but I really couldn't stay awake long enough to watch that.
Even now, despite getting off to bed early I still feel a bit tired this morning. As usual I feel OK if not a little tentative about going to get the treatment. As you may recall the 2nd one is often the one that gives me the most side effects and that in itself is the bit that is most difficult to explain to people in the suddenness and ferocity of them and also how quickly they go too.
And it is just like that - for a few hours afterwards everything is OK and it creeps up on you and all of a sudden it is as if you are aware that just about every bit of you is having some sort of trouble. It is that quick and I think that it normally comes on about 4 to 5 hours after treatment. It tends to last for a good 4 hours after that and then subsides. Overnight you know you've had the side effects as it is almost as if you are getting after-shocks from then to remind you as they finally subside into your memory as you subside into fitful but later deeper sleep.
Typically side-effects include being very sore, difficulty urinating (you need to go, you can go but it feels like glass or emery powder is included), aching legs, arms and lower body, sweats, generally hot sweats, occasionally cold ones too! Urgency, wanting to go every 5 or 10 minutes which is not the right thing to do you need to try and hold back if possible otherwise it just hurts more. Unable to get comfortable; this is caused by the aches and sweats and you just cannot get into a comfortable position. When you finally do get somewhere near bearable - you guessed it - you want to go to the loo again!
Anyway - we will see how I get on. I have most of my standard pills ready by my bed so I will make more use of these today if I need to.
Other than that today feels relatively normal although I need to remember to eat early and hopefully I wont get harried by phone calls which used to happen a lot - perhaps I shall just let them ring this time.
Even now, despite getting off to bed early I still feel a bit tired this morning. As usual I feel OK if not a little tentative about going to get the treatment. As you may recall the 2nd one is often the one that gives me the most side effects and that in itself is the bit that is most difficult to explain to people in the suddenness and ferocity of them and also how quickly they go too.
And it is just like that - for a few hours afterwards everything is OK and it creeps up on you and all of a sudden it is as if you are aware that just about every bit of you is having some sort of trouble. It is that quick and I think that it normally comes on about 4 to 5 hours after treatment. It tends to last for a good 4 hours after that and then subsides. Overnight you know you've had the side effects as it is almost as if you are getting after-shocks from then to remind you as they finally subside into your memory as you subside into fitful but later deeper sleep.
Typically side-effects include being very sore, difficulty urinating (you need to go, you can go but it feels like glass or emery powder is included), aching legs, arms and lower body, sweats, generally hot sweats, occasionally cold ones too! Urgency, wanting to go every 5 or 10 minutes which is not the right thing to do you need to try and hold back if possible otherwise it just hurts more. Unable to get comfortable; this is caused by the aches and sweats and you just cannot get into a comfortable position. When you finally do get somewhere near bearable - you guessed it - you want to go to the loo again!
Anyway - we will see how I get on. I have most of my standard pills ready by my bed so I will make more use of these today if I need to.
Other than that today feels relatively normal although I need to remember to eat early and hopefully I wont get harried by phone calls which used to happen a lot - perhaps I shall just let them ring this time.
Superbowl Tiredness
Sorry - got to go to bed - too early and not even half way through the second quarter.
And yes - we do like the New England Patriots over here, or the Dolphins, or the Giants. The trouble is - it is on when it is live too late for us :-(
Come on Patriots!
Right - off to bed - treatment in 13 hours!
And yes - we do like the New England Patriots over here, or the Dolphins, or the Giants. The trouble is - it is on when it is live too late for us :-(
Come on Patriots!
Right - off to bed - treatment in 13 hours!
Sunday, February 03, 2008
Countdown
Just 24 hours or so until the next treatment and the countdown starts now really. A number of phone calls and e-mails arrive that wish me well for tomorrow. I am - or feel I am - recovered enough to go for treatment and so the worry I had about being too sore to go is no longer there.
I've a few e-mails to review and some paperwork. Tomorrow I intend to get 2 major postings completed and some more of my to do list completed. That will allow me to have a few days off recovering. This one, the second, is generally the worst of the lot although you may recall that the third one from the last series took that particular spot last time!
i shall be taking the rest of today off and just sitting down and getting myself ready for another hectic week ahead. I am gradually making inroads to my to-do list so who knows, perhaps next week will be the week I can see what the original colour my desktop was!
I've a few e-mails to review and some paperwork. Tomorrow I intend to get 2 major postings completed and some more of my to do list completed. That will allow me to have a few days off recovering. This one, the second, is generally the worst of the lot although you may recall that the third one from the last series took that particular spot last time!
i shall be taking the rest of today off and just sitting down and getting myself ready for another hectic week ahead. I am gradually making inroads to my to-do list so who knows, perhaps next week will be the week I can see what the original colour my desktop was!
Saturday, February 02, 2008
Now I thoroughly enjoyed that
What a great evening. I met up with a nice group down from Scotland for the meeting and one of them handed me a Mark Token - a penny because we had never met. How nice was that? It is a specially struck coin that is handed out to candidates normally (in England) and so I have a lovely memento. I imagine it has similar uses in Scotland - someone I know has his penny always on him. I have a nice collection of these now and this one is very special because of the meaning behind the giving. A token - wondrful, charming and memorable.
The meal was great as it was part Scot and Part English - Scottish Beef for roast beef and a Haggis - piped in and addressed properly in the old tongue. Then slashed up ready to eat. It was fantastic and I have to admit (don't tell the wife) to having two extra portions! We had Neeps and Tatties and gravy (whisky) too.
So I had a great day out and it was a lovely meeting and a lovely meal Great company and a shame that I could only have a little to drink - they are off out drinking until the wee hours tonight.
Well - I am cheered up a lot by that and it is nice to get out - I do sometimes find that it takes me a while to get out of the house - but once I do I generally feel a lot better for it and for making the effort.
The meal was great as it was part Scot and Part English - Scottish Beef for roast beef and a Haggis - piped in and addressed properly in the old tongue. Then slashed up ready to eat. It was fantastic and I have to admit (don't tell the wife) to having two extra portions! We had Neeps and Tatties and gravy (whisky) too.
So I had a great day out and it was a lovely meeting and a lovely meal Great company and a shame that I could only have a little to drink - they are off out drinking until the wee hours tonight.
Well - I am cheered up a lot by that and it is nice to get out - I do sometimes find that it takes me a while to get out of the house - but once I do I generally feel a lot better for it and for making the effort.
Where does the time go?
Getting ready to go out in a minute and that will be Saturday done for. I hope an interesting and enjoyable day as I won't be doing anything. That is the plan anyway. It is the first time that I have been to this particular Lodge and centre - it is a bit of a drive and a bit out of the way which is great.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to that but I didn't get half of what I wanted done this morning again although, having said that, I have managed to get rid of a stack of unwanted e-mails. I also have one of my old e-mail accounts closing down so I have taken the opportunity of removing it from my e-mail systems and hey presto - spam e-mails are down to perhaps 1 or 2 a day now. Excellent.
I am working my way through about 6 months of "to Do" lists and I should be able to return about half a Brazilian Rain Forrest into recycling by next week!
I'd better go and get myself ready now - Time flies.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to that but I didn't get half of what I wanted done this morning again although, having said that, I have managed to get rid of a stack of unwanted e-mails. I also have one of my old e-mail accounts closing down so I have taken the opportunity of removing it from my e-mail systems and hey presto - spam e-mails are down to perhaps 1 or 2 a day now. Excellent.
I am working my way through about 6 months of "to Do" lists and I should be able to return about half a Brazilian Rain Forrest into recycling by next week!
I'd better go and get myself ready now - Time flies.
Now I remember
Why I unsubscribed to a number of Fora (I suppose that is the plural of Forum) some years back. These are great places to find researchers or people who share similar interests to you. So genealogical fora are good places to find out about other research and get hints and tricks but, and here is the big but, there are so many posts that are not of any interest to anyone else but the person who posted and perhaps one or two other people around the world so you have to trawl through pages of stuff to find a snippet of good stuff.
It reminds me of a story someone told me about a Princess trying to find the right man to marry - "You have to kiss a hell of a lot of Frogs until you find the right one!" I like it - not kissing frogs you understand - the story!
I actually see that these fora are going to be good for me in the future if I pursue the genealogy business. Consider where else you could get captive audiences for your words of wisdom? Let's say there are 20,000 on a single forum, I only need 1% of them to remember my name and pass it on to a punter to start getting a "reputation" and building a network from there. So you have to be there but separating the wheat from the chaff is the difficult thing. Ho hum.
It reminds me of a story someone told me about a Princess trying to find the right man to marry - "You have to kiss a hell of a lot of Frogs until you find the right one!" I like it - not kissing frogs you understand - the story!
I actually see that these fora are going to be good for me in the future if I pursue the genealogy business. Consider where else you could get captive audiences for your words of wisdom? Let's say there are 20,000 on a single forum, I only need 1% of them to remember my name and pass it on to a punter to start getting a "reputation" and building a network from there. So you have to be there but separating the wheat from the chaff is the difficult thing. Ho hum.
Friday, February 01, 2008
There may be trouble ahead
But while there's moonlight - oh go on - you get the picture.
I'm feeling - TGIF right now. What a week. I still haven't quite recovered from Monday's treatment - I hope that I don't end up going to get the next shot on Monday tingling like this or it will be "interesting".
As for the tribunal stuff - well, we will have to wait and see. Apparently there is no chance of arbitration and they are submitting their counter and so what will be will be (Thanks Doris).
I have an interesting weekend - I am out tomorrow for a Lodge meeting and I am looking forward to that immensely. I am also beginning to get on top of understanding what I want to do next or think that I am getting there. So the plans are crystallising in my mind about what I want to do, how I want to do that and I need to flesh that out some more. I have the training course next week which will help me get to that decision faster.
So I am going to have a bit of a relaxing weekend and try and forget all about the nonsense of this week and move on.
I'm feeling - TGIF right now. What a week. I still haven't quite recovered from Monday's treatment - I hope that I don't end up going to get the next shot on Monday tingling like this or it will be "interesting".
As for the tribunal stuff - well, we will have to wait and see. Apparently there is no chance of arbitration and they are submitting their counter and so what will be will be (Thanks Doris).
I have an interesting weekend - I am out tomorrow for a Lodge meeting and I am looking forward to that immensely. I am also beginning to get on top of understanding what I want to do next or think that I am getting there. So the plans are crystallising in my mind about what I want to do, how I want to do that and I need to flesh that out some more. I have the training course next week which will help me get to that decision faster.
So I am going to have a bit of a relaxing weekend and try and forget all about the nonsense of this week and move on.
The Centre of Attention
No longer is everything revolving around me, I've got the clear diagnosis and only every now and again does it comeback and remind everyone - like now - under treatment with quarantined bathroom and me lying in a darkened room etc.
Normality is something we have always strived to maintain in the house and I think that we succeeded but things are back to normal now - it is just I haven't caught up with that yet!
I must try harder to tune in to what is going on outside of and around me, I have become very insular and very self critical and inward looking. I try to be normal here, at home, I struggle to do that elsewhere.
I feel a need to redefine myself, reinvent me and yet I cannot do that whilst I am still analyzing what has happened, what I feel like and what I want to do. Frankly, I'm not sure what I want to do.
Normality is something we have always strived to maintain in the house and I think that we succeeded but things are back to normal now - it is just I haven't caught up with that yet!
I must try harder to tune in to what is going on outside of and around me, I have become very insular and very self critical and inward looking. I try to be normal here, at home, I struggle to do that elsewhere.
I feel a need to redefine myself, reinvent me and yet I cannot do that whilst I am still analyzing what has happened, what I feel like and what I want to do. Frankly, I'm not sure what I want to do.
Further thoughts
Is being given the all clear an anti climax? Do the things you've told yourself to help your recovery mean you will actually ever go out and do them? What is it all about?
Interesting isn't it? I'm readjusting to the fact that - in reality - life hasn't changed that much. I'm both stronger and weaker from the experience and that in both the mental and physical side of the meaning.
Let's take the physical side - I'm feeling a lot weaker in terms of strength - I don't know, let's say to put up a shelf or do something that is exerting. Also stamina - I can't do things for any prolonged amount of time. The only thing that I would say is that I do seem to be able to manage to walk for a long time or exercise - albeit I need to get back to some routine in that area after this batch of treatment. Where I feel I am stronger is my ability to take the treatment and ability to handle the hospital and things they do to me. I couldn't imagine them doing that before. So what is that? Physical pain is easier to handle than it used to be.
Mentally the roller coaster ride I go through most days is the obvious outcome. I go through huge mood swings daily. These used to be weekly if you look back across the blog you'll see the ups and downs. A lot is caused by FUD (Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt). These seem to be things that I was never fearful of before - work, what people think of me ,has my judgement really gone, do I mightily p*ss people off these days, paranoia, edginess, nervousness etc. They are little things that gnaw away endlessly undermining your self confidence - and that is the last thing I need eroded.
Before BC, these things were still around of course but afterwards they are magnified and are like huge barriers to get over and just when you get clear and are in an upbeat mood - along comes something else to send you back from whence you came. I'm not overly worried about these things, I know they are here and I have to deal with them. They arrive generally one at a time and you have to get over them one at a time. You can clear one only to have it get back into your head a few hours later. Such is the position I find myself in now that just when I get on top of something or try and finish something off - an event happens that tumbles me back down again. These are like ongoing disappointments, they are annoying and niggling but not like a wall of despair or anything like that - just like splinters really.
A lot of this still has to do with how shabbily the people I worked for treated - and continue to - treat me. Their posturing and white noise and general venom take their toll on me but I should know better. These aren't "reasonable" or "normal" people and yet as with all of "their sort" they are the "bully" and their tactics are those of under the surface terror. Sorry to sound dark about it but - real business people don't act like this. At the risk of sounding like "the victim" - it did get to the point of me asking myself whether I actually deserved this or not :-)
So, each day at the moment is a constant fight to keep on top of and above all this negativity and to try and get back the real me and whilst I know I can never be what I was before, I wouldn't mind getting back my drive and enthusiasm as well as my motivation and to kick this constant procrastination into touch. Oh yes and at least some of my phsical stamina as well please.
Deep and meaningful? Perhaps - I'm sure some reading this would advocate bringing back National Service - it never did them any harm :-)
Interesting isn't it? I'm readjusting to the fact that - in reality - life hasn't changed that much. I'm both stronger and weaker from the experience and that in both the mental and physical side of the meaning.
Let's take the physical side - I'm feeling a lot weaker in terms of strength - I don't know, let's say to put up a shelf or do something that is exerting. Also stamina - I can't do things for any prolonged amount of time. The only thing that I would say is that I do seem to be able to manage to walk for a long time or exercise - albeit I need to get back to some routine in that area after this batch of treatment. Where I feel I am stronger is my ability to take the treatment and ability to handle the hospital and things they do to me. I couldn't imagine them doing that before. So what is that? Physical pain is easier to handle than it used to be.
Mentally the roller coaster ride I go through most days is the obvious outcome. I go through huge mood swings daily. These used to be weekly if you look back across the blog you'll see the ups and downs. A lot is caused by FUD (Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt). These seem to be things that I was never fearful of before - work, what people think of me ,has my judgement really gone, do I mightily p*ss people off these days, paranoia, edginess, nervousness etc. They are little things that gnaw away endlessly undermining your self confidence - and that is the last thing I need eroded.
Before BC, these things were still around of course but afterwards they are magnified and are like huge barriers to get over and just when you get clear and are in an upbeat mood - along comes something else to send you back from whence you came. I'm not overly worried about these things, I know they are here and I have to deal with them. They arrive generally one at a time and you have to get over them one at a time. You can clear one only to have it get back into your head a few hours later. Such is the position I find myself in now that just when I get on top of something or try and finish something off - an event happens that tumbles me back down again. These are like ongoing disappointments, they are annoying and niggling but not like a wall of despair or anything like that - just like splinters really.
A lot of this still has to do with how shabbily the people I worked for treated - and continue to - treat me. Their posturing and white noise and general venom take their toll on me but I should know better. These aren't "reasonable" or "normal" people and yet as with all of "their sort" they are the "bully" and their tactics are those of under the surface terror. Sorry to sound dark about it but - real business people don't act like this. At the risk of sounding like "the victim" - it did get to the point of me asking myself whether I actually deserved this or not :-)
So, each day at the moment is a constant fight to keep on top of and above all this negativity and to try and get back the real me and whilst I know I can never be what I was before, I wouldn't mind getting back my drive and enthusiasm as well as my motivation and to kick this constant procrastination into touch. Oh yes and at least some of my phsical stamina as well please.
Deep and meaningful? Perhaps - I'm sure some reading this would advocate bringing back National Service - it never did them any harm :-)
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