Talking to someone who has also had Cancer

Is great and I'll be out to lunch with an old friend of mine and we will be able to compare notes and discuss how we feel and all that good stuff.   We meet up quite a bit professionally anyway but we g=often do this and have done over the years.  He had his Prostate done about 4 weeks before I had my operation and we met up a lot to discuss things.

It is really cathartic to talk about some of the good and bad moments and some of the fears for the future.  He has some challenges ahead that need him to come to terms with what he had and the side effects.  Don't forget, he no longer has Cancer as it has gone and was cut out along with the organ it grew in.  I still have my bladder, I've had Cancer before and I can get it again.  So two separate types of experiences but actually we are really close friends now because of this, much closer than many of my long time friends.  It is a difficult bond to describe but one of shared experience, emotional and physical stresses appears to make for stronger bonds between us.  We can discuss anything which is great.

There are very few people I feel this close to and who I feel I can tell all (and I mean ALL) the detail to.  This blog gets about 90 to 95% I guess.

Looking forward to our lunch very much.

The Weather Outside is Frightful

And it certainly is - we cancelled tonight's meeting - traffic was going nowhere we had one of the heaviest falls of snow I have ever seen and all in the space of about 30 minutes the roads were impassable and traffic ground to a halt on the main road and stayed like that for about 4 or 5 hours. You may as well have just turned off the switch because everything has ground to a halt. The trains. planes and automobiles aren't working. Our train service is going to be a Saturday one as we are expecting more snow and freezing conditions tonight.

So it is pretty lucky that I am not going into work this week but some of my colleagues are out in the Snow and the Ice and some have had terrible journeys - one took 3 hours to do 2 1/2 miles!

I glad I'm inside I can tell you. A year ago tomorrow was when I had my Operation which had been postponed from a week or so before. That really wasn't a great thing to do just before Christmas - it would be pretty bad if it was tomorrow - I doubt half the staff would have been able to make it in.

I'm glad I'm indoors and most things are done. Somehow we have to do the final bit of shopping and as long as no one has panic bought the shops supplies we should be OK. They say it will get a little warmer after tomorrow - it needs to, it really does.

As usual, being British, we are asking how a little bit of snow has managed to completely overwhelm our services (given we all knew this was coming and had been warned for some days ahead). I'm sure the inquests will start pretty soon and we will still have the same problem the next time. We always do.

Reflection Time

Having finished work on Friday I had a sobering conversation with a couple of my work colleagues who had noticed that I wasn't my normal self on the Thursday.

It's true, I'm certainly not my usual self these days and I'm spending a bit of time working out why that is. I consider that it was seeing my parents but having yet another Christmas apart from them and that is a little upsetting. Seeing them again, realising I'm turning into my father probably didn't fill me with great optimism. Not in a nasty way - just how like him I am and how I see the way he is and dislike that in myself sometimes.

I haven't really come to terms with the "new" me either. So many vices and constraints of the past in terms of how I viewed the world, what I thought about myself and how other people treated me were cast off because these things can no longer hurt/affect me the way they used to. I find that I am rueful of having left many of these old thoughts behind me but it is no comfort having to come to terms with changes in lifelong habits and long held beliefs. Things have to be let go if you are to move on and what things are left behind and what collateral damage is done in my actions are the thoughts I have at the moment.

I said sometime ago that I thought that Bladder Cancer was a life changing event but that I didn't see the changes as being fundamental ones. Lots of things changed and as you may expect with that came a healthy respect for life, living, heath and the welfare of myself but also of others. Many of the changes are pretty obvious and many are what I feel to be good changes. A softening of my rather pragmatic way of working, I very rarely lose my temper but I make up for that these days with a rather poisonous tongue and some cutting remarks that wilt many but - in my opinion, you don't get a tongue lashing from me if you don't deserve it.

Inevitably it is the distance that now exists between certain friends and family that causes me the most anxiety. I've explored this before and comments also on this blog draw the same conclusion that it isn't my problem how other people react to me, it is their problem and that I can't help them to come to terms with what has happened to me. The trouble is that the distancing and loss of such people is one of the unexpected consequences of the disease and what it did to me and those who know me.

Isn't it strange that a Cancer that existed in my body only, that I had all the experiences with would actually spread beyond me to affect those around me and even now, some years afterwards, leaves me thinking about how I (who really can't do a lot about it) could possibly repair the damage that has done.

You may struggle with to understand what I have just written - it is not particularly eloquent - but what I am driving at is that the physical and mental damage this does to your body is one thing but Cancer appears to affect your friends and family too in a way that you would never have dreamed possible. I'm used to the 2 question approach that Steve Kelley once blogged about. This is where someone asks you how you are and they want answer 1 which is that you are OK and that you will live not answer 2 which is that you are going to die and probably a horrible death. There are no in-between states - non Cancer sufferers and warriors will not understand that. It is refreshing to talk to people who have or have had Cancer and just be totally honest and actually discuss all the nuances and facets, minutiae and gore and bits with them.

So, I'm rattling on here much as my brain is. I know what the answer is, I'm just not brave enough to accept it. Instead I try and moralise and analyse what is going and and try various strategies to cope with the situation and I know what I must do. This holiday period I have the opportunity to address the situation, to try and confront what keeps me awake at nights and what stops me stepping up to the plate, making the decisions I have to and to stop being a coward and to just get on and do something about it.

I should realise that I have probably been through something that stretched my mind and my body beyond what should normally happen and that in hiding from making and taking decisions I have been doing what must be done for self protection. Now might be a good time to look in the mirror again and see if I like myself anymore. I'm afraid I don't like what I see much these days.

It's the challenge of what to do now that I need to tackle. What to do with this new lease of life I've been given, what to do with that time, my talents, my experience and above all how do I get the best out of my potential for the betterance of myself and my fellow mortals? Does then in making that decision it cause those near and dear to me to suffer is the core of the second part of the question. It is a bitch of a question/dilemma without doubt.

A Couple of Weeks Off

I made it to the Office Party which was a quieter affair than I thought it might be.  The Summer one is a lot more interesting.  The snow had caused a bit of travel delays but it was OK and I got back at a reasonable hour and in a reasonable state of repair.  

The thought of two weeks off and some rest and relaxation appeals and I just need to get into the right mood and chill a little bit so that I make the most and recharge my batteries.

Funny Day at Work

It was strange and I must have been in a strange mood I think as I wasn't my normal self and it appeared to my colleagues that there were things on my mind. I wonder if seeing my folks and the change in them over the past 3 or 4 months might have something to do with it or my dissatisfaction with the job or perhaps some other reason.

Whatever, we managed to repair the relationship after I had been out to lunch with a friend and so all's well that ends well. The new train timetable kicked in today. The train up is much better, less people and a bit earlier and my cafe is closed so I cannot go and get something to eat in the morning like I normally do. It is 6 minutes earlier and arrives 10 minutes earlier but adds an extra station (don't ask me how). In the evening the train is 3 minutes earlier but takes 10 minutes longer?

We are planned to get a "significant" snowfall tonight and that means 120 to 200mm between 4 and 8 inches with drifting. Now given that a few snowflakes can stop our national transport system, I wonder what chance we have to get to work and have our Christmas Party? Time will tell....

Joys and Sadness, Darkness and Light

Had a great meal and the family had a lovely evening and really good food and drink was had by all. Appalling weather though. Arrived home to find that one of my 2nd Cousin's had emailed me to say his father had died. He was one of the first to get hold of me when I was researching the family and his father was such a lovely guy and died this morning aged 87. He had some wonderful memories and was one of my Great Uncle's grandsons. His father was the Town Clerk of Bethnal Green when the awful tragedy happened there during the war and he told me a lot about that and provided me with photographs of my immediate family and books and data.

It is so sad that he has died, just before Christmas and I'm sure his grandchildren will be quite upset as he was such a lovely man.

Life goes on like this and some friends of Mrs. F dropped us a line to say that their daughter (we had gone to her wedding) had died aged just 43 - no age at all is it?

On a happier note, I had a payment from Uncle Google from all the adverts you nice readers click on attached to this blog. It amounted to around USD 100 and so I decided that this tranche of advertising revenue should go to my co blogger's charity in the US this time (the last tranche went to my charity here in the UK). So $100 has been lodged with Steve Kelley's church so that they can establish a base for themselves and wish that they reach their target funding and are able to fulfil their dream. With young Steve involved I am sure they lack for nothing in determination and good old fashioned common sense and drive and commitment. More information here.

Back

It started snowing on my way home and the traffic was dreadful at this end. It's not as if the stuff has settled it is just the way people react to it I suppose.

Anyway, I had a good time with my parents and the talk I did on Monday night was really enjoyable and I had a good evening with the Lodge in the middle of the Fens. I was most impressed by their people and their friendly manner.

Back home for Mrs. F's birthday and she has opened her presents and seems pleased. We are out to dinner tonight as long as the weather holds out for us as it is a bit out into the country and over the hills from here.

It was good to see my parents who make a suitable fuss over me. Not sure when I can get back up there next. I will have to look for opportunities in the New Year to get up there a bit more often. As I constantly remind them and my kid brother, they decided to move 120 miles away from me not vice versa, I'm the one who has to do the travelling.

Off for a few days

Will be good to see my parents for a few days and I am looking forward to presenting to a local Lodge tomorrow evening.   It is Mrs. F's birthday on Wednesday and A decided to do a surprise birthday dinner but Mrs. F. doesn't like surprises so we had to tell her.  

I'll be driving back on Wednesday and will look forward to yet another meal.  Having had our Christmas lunch today (with second helpings) I am feeling somewhat stuffed.  Another couple of days of Mums and Lodge and Restaurant eating and I'll be like Mr. Creosote.  

Some old friends turned up today for the Lunch and it was great to see them.  Somehow they can get to my dos and I cannot get to theirs but in January I am hopeful that we can finally go to one of theirs.  It was also nice to hear that they think Ii look well.  In fact a number of people said that today and it was again quite surprising that I hadn't worked out myself at the time how "ill" I'd looked.  It was mainly worry I think.  I look back at some of the photos of the time and I'd agree that I look drawn and tense perhaps.  The only bad thing about looking good is that I've really put on weight this year and so after Christmas (all calories in gifts are of course counted as zero) I am going to set out a new diet and exercise regime to loose a fair bit of weight.  Perhaps 2 stone if not a bit more if I can.  I would need 3 stone off to get to my fighting weight when I was as fit as a butchers dog but I doubt that is achievable these days.

It is interesting that no one actually told me that I looked ill though - or I don't think they did.  I'm just glad that I am beginning to get back to some resemblance of normal.  Also glad that I am beginning to look good again.  Gee I must have looked bad.

So how are you feeling?

Funny old day today - someone rang up and asked if I would be interested in a major role in the finance sector starting in the New Year.  It is attractive in a way but I think I'd never cope with the job past the 12 to 18 months it would take me to set it up.

I've been thiking about this 18 month thing and it is very rare that I have ever worked on a contract for much longer that that.  I get bored with routine and if there are no problems to solve or processes to fix I really find it a bit of a chore.

I feel a lot better than I have done for a while but still feel I'm pressurising myself too much to be well again and to be "back to normal".  I doubt that I ever will actually be "back to normal" though.  It was interesting talking to one of my survivor friends yesterday that we now tackle other people's anger and displeasure with a rather simple but telling phrase.  "Well....." we may start the phrase  "nobody actually died did they?" That should tell you all you need to know about surviving cancer.  Do you know what?  It really is a result if nobody actually died.  

I'd like to inject people with the realism injection or the pragmatism injection.  Life really isn't to be taken THAT seriously and all some of these people do is just stress themselves up.  I don't suppose I help much using my pet phrase though :-)

Rib Tickler

This really made me laugh this morning.  Enjoy.

Not been around for a day or two

Yesterday it was the President's drinks party which was great - we then went on to a wine bar across the road.  I hadn't realised that the time had shot past and at about 11:30 we left and caught the 10 past midnight train home with one of the Bosses.  It was OK - I got in really late and went to bed (I think).

As is my way I mentioned some of my concerns to the Boss so he could mull them over in the next couple of weeks.  A good time was had by all but I didn't wake up this morning and eventually got in to work around 11.  I had a meeting with my other team and then got home about 9 this evening.

I am taking tomorrow off and the week leading up to Christmas.  Effectively I have 2 days work left to do although I will be working on Monday it will be pleasant as I am giving one of my talks.

Most of the Christmas / Birthday presents have arrived for Mrs. F.   A few are still to come.  I am pleased with my choices - I just hope she is too.

I need to do lots of things in these next few days including newsletters and all my Christmas Cards too.

I am looking forward to seeing my folks next week and then really getting into the swing of Christmas.

That was good

I enjoyed my evening out and got my Grand Rank Invested by Prince Michael of Kent. He is a nice guy and the meeting was over really quickly allowing us to have a beer and get in to dine early. In fact I was home a little after 9:40 which was pretty good and do not feel like I need a liver transplant as I didn't hit the booze as I remember a previous occasion when I helped carry back someone who had!

I'm certainly pleased about that. A number of presents have started to arrive here and suddenly I have realised that I did slightly overdo it but hey, if you can't splash out once in awhile?

I still have a lot of things to go through this week. One is a real stupid thing as one of my committee by sending an email to everyone instead of just me has undone most of the work I have done this year building up members of a network. I had to spend a lot of today doing quick repairs and will hopefully see him tomorrow and sort it out as the damage has set my work back by a couple of months!

Ho hum....

Lots to do this week still and more late nights. I am off to see my parents early next week and do some business too whilst I am there which will be nice as I get to see them before Christmas. It is a shame that they live quite so far away but they chose to move away (as did my brother) not me. It always makes me laugh that I'm the one not putting myself out when I haven't moved house or gone anywhere :-) families can be quite funny I find!

Well - off to bed and getting ready for tomorrow's onslaught and the President's drinks party which last year - I turned up at - much to the surprise of my colleagues as they weren't expecting to see me.

My Big Day

Tomorrow - or later today in fact. I get my Grand Rank appointment (my first) and it looks as if it might be from Prince Michael of Kent himself (Grand Master).

I am pleased that I will have two good friends along to see me get my honours and to attend the banquet afterwards.

I am looking forward to the honour itself and perhaps, if I am lucky, it will be the first of many.

It was a year ago today that I had the aborted operation and the commencement of what can only be called some of the worst months of my entire life, so ill was I. I am hoping that it is not some sort of omen :-)

Time presses on - I ought to get off to bed early as I have a big day ahead of me and it already past midnight!

Sunday Shopping

Thank goodness for the internet.  I was able to sit at my PC and shop for stuff for most things and yet there were a couple of items from big companies that need good old fashioned visit the store which is a bit difficult.

I then turned my mind to my annual newsletter and found that hardly anything has actually happened this year.  Now that sounds strange because I've had two clears in the year and I am feeling better and better as time goes on but in reality I haven't done much this year and I haven't got a lot to show for it but that's OK it just shows you that you can never be satisfied.

I suppose that a lot has happened in terms of where I was this time last year.  I have now made a note that next year I need to do some more things with my time....

Freshen Up

I have changed the blog colour scheme - no real reason except it feels that today was a good day for me - Steve;s news brightened up the day of course.  I managed to get most (not all) of my Christmas Shopping done but I didn't make a start on my Newsletters or Christmas Cards which are now a priority.

I managed to organise my music and back up disks and generally pottered around in my office.  L is off to France for the day tomorrow and we are off to see friends in the afternoon but have to get back to pick L up.  

I have a very busy set of weeks coming up.  On Tuesday I will get my Grand Rank invested at Great Queen Street.  I am looking forward to that very much.  I am completely loaded up with meetings, parties and other events which will culminate on the 18th with the office party - I will then take the week off before and after Christmas.  I need to rebuild my sense of humour and get ready for the New Year.  Where this year has gone I couldn't tell you.  This time last year I was getting ready to go into Hospital and that is when it all kicked off with the cancelled Op followed by the Op from hell a few days before Christmas and the 6 week illness after that.  I will be glad to see the end of 2009.

2010 I hope will bring back some fitness and a return to my previous levels of stamina!!

Fantastic News

Steve in the US has had another clear and so that means no more BCG for him which I can tell you is a massive relief. I hardly dared to look at the blog tonight or my email but chanced a peek and saw this great news. So well done Steve and another weight lifts from off your shoulders.

Someone told me not long ago (they didn't tell me at the time!) how rough I really looked and then the difference in me after I had got a 2nd or 3rd clear. "You were no longer grey and gaunt/strained" or words like that.

It is such a relief and a huge lift in your whole demeanour.

Written with a big grin all over my face as I am just so pleased to hear this news.

3rd December - Judgement Day in Utah

Well, despite all my own problems I am concentrating on Steve in Utah who goes to see his Doctor tomorrow - 3rd December 2009 for a Poke and Peek, Flexible Cystoscopy to see how things have progressed.

Despite his own positive attitude and regime to beat this - I bet he is feeling, as I always do, some trepidation about the outcome. Such is the nature of our particular disease that it works on a number of levels. Statistics state that it can come back but in general those statistics are based on much older respondents that Steve or myself. Cancer plays with your head and so you actually have your brain (which is meant to be on your side) running every scenario you can ever imagine and - as far as I can tell it never has chosen the actual outcome or even been that near.

I imagine that sleep isn't happening and despite well knowing that Steve has done everything possible to secure the correct outcome I bet there is a little niggle gnawing away somewhere.

Anyway, let's not dwell on those little demons and gremlins that our brains store up for us. Let's make a worldwide wish that his procedure brings the best Christmas present you can get - no more treatment and a BIG signpost that says Recovery Ahead, Take this Route....

Catching up with me

I was tired yet again today and almost fell asleep at my desk for the 2nd time in as many days. I'm sort of OK but I will get to bed early tonight and see if I can't defeat this.

Most of my work is done and today was a matter of getting my article out and other elements of tidying up desk and getting ready for next year's onslaught starting in January.

I have some days off to take which I must sort out, sort out my invoices and a few talks which I will be giving in a week and a bit's time.

The crazy thing is that I just have hardly anytime between now and Christmas to get sorted out I am out on a number of days. Crazy!

Much Better

Just click to make it larger - not that either of us needs to be much larger of course!!

There will be a better picture soon

This is Flocky and a Dived Ref in full flight as the Blues Brothers. It is amazing that people actually thought we rehearsed it but we just like the film so much that we kind of went with the music.

So enjoy Jake (Flocky Bicep) and Elwood (A Dived Ref)

Did we have a good time or what?