Nothing like a bit of Schindler's List

To send me off to bed in the right frame of mind. I have to say I'd forgotten just how deeply that last bit of the film affected me. More so as one of the children looks just like my eldest A. I'm still upset and that is 30 minutes after I finished watching it.

You can hardly believe that all of that is still within living memory and you can't even begin to imagine the utter horror of it all. I think you get a little insight into the fear if you've had cancer, maybe and so perhaps it drags out those experiences when I watch it. It's a very special film without a doubt.

Yuk Day

I hate it when the office is heated to sub tropical temperatures like today - I roasted and it tired me out. I managed to get lots of things done but by mid afternoon I was flagging. I left a little earlier than normal to find a half length train - great! That too was heated to grow some sort of rare plant and we roasted - at least someone reached a few windows and the blowers came on.

I may work from home tomorrow as it at least Ii can regulate the temperature and I can get a load more done. I shall think about that overnight. Time gets nearer to a decision. I feel myself wanting to hurry up and make the jump yet I cannot until my colleague's fate is sealed - possibly this Friday.

Almost a seminal day

Almost but not quite. We can't quite take the jump into the new business today. By the end of the week maybe and by the end of the week after almost certainly.

A good meeting but it has left me in limbo land as such as I'd like to tell my people to start looking for my replacement knowing that I am off to do my project.

At least we concluded that our venture has a future and that it needs to be worked on now. That said, it is by no means certain that we will get it to market, get funded or anything else! Happy Days :-)

The only constant in this life is change!

Gradually

You get your life back you know. When I thought about it this morning, I realised that I'm recording stuff that is pretty much what I'd stick in a diary and wondered how relevant it is to Bladder Cancer and do you know what? The relevance is that 3 years ago I was obsessed daily with it and to be truthful I do think about having or having had cancer every day of my life but gradually the old me has returned and things do get back to some sense of normality.

When I say normal, as normal as you are going to get because cancer changes your life anyway, it doesn't appear to have changed my underlying psychological profile but it has changed my attitude to life, the way I look at things and the way I do - or do not - care for people these days. I beginning to reclaim my life again and take back those things that my cancer took from me. The one thing I missed the most though was my brain - it still isn't all back here like it used to be but I am getting back to my sharpest again and that bodes well for me but not for my current customer/empoyer.

Decision Day

Or perhaps the background to a decision day. It is at least a chance to discuss and explore what the possibilities are in terms of moving on. Both my colleague and I are convinced that we should pursue our idea and take it to a conclusion. At the moment, if we don't it will whither on the vine and we will never know if it is possible to achieve. The bigger team has fallen away after we got this in front of one of the larger multi nationals and got exciting results, one-by-one they have failed to deliver anything of value or just fallen away.

At times like this, it is important to make a decision to move on or kill the idea. I'd like to give it a full time effort for 6 months and see where we have arrived at. At that time, if nowhere then I'd have to rethink. It is one of those hard decisions as it requires moving out of a comfort zone and to put some faith into my own abilities to get something done. I have no doubt that I can achieve this or at least take things to their logical conclusion - that may be that we decide after 6 months to not continue. At least we will know.

Today will sure be interesting.

Good Bye Piano

So I now only have one Piano. It isn't in tune and is never likely to be as it is a 1900 to 1910 original made by my GGG Uncle at his East London factory. The other piano which we have had since the girls were taking music lessons has been sold - rather cheaply I hasten to add to a dealer and it has left the house today. I kind of miss it as it actually was in tune and could be played and was a musical instrument and not an heirloom like the other one is.

It is just another one of those things that I find we are now getting rid of from the house. It is most probably a good thing.

Big day tomorrow as I meet up with my colleague to decide what me might do in terms of setting up our business venture. We need to step up to the plate or decide not to do it. Perhaps we may procrastinate for a little while longer but it mustn't be too long.

It will soon be April and he will be away - I will be in Hospital and somehow we need to arrange our current business affairs and get ready for this new thing or make arrangements for it. For me - I need to make the decision as soon as possible so that I can arrange with work to get a replacement and to then cover off the other things I am doing.

I heard this and it will be with me in April

I heard this music some time ago - Very nice.  The video is interesting too.

A game of "what time is it?"

Flocky and I were due to meet earlier in the day but eventually it was late afternoon before we finally touched base.  after sorting out a load of bits and pieces we retired to the pub for a beer and a packet of Peanuts or in my case, some nice Pork Scratchings (I must stop eating those!!)

After a couple of beers I disappeared off to the toilet and on my way back glanced at my watch.   Noting the time I asked young Flocky what time he thought it was and he concurred with me (before I had seen my watch) that it was no later than 8:30 but probably more like 8 pm.  Mmmmm.  Well it was more like 10 pm and we still had a pint of beer to consume.  Hence I arrived home at 10:45 without having had tea or supper and am now recounting this strange story.

Tomorrow is our Lodge meeting and so I am looking forward to that and the meal afterwards.  It is nice to meet some of our Lodge members and catch up with what they have been up to.  Unfortunately one of our members, now gting on for 93 is not so well.  We hope that he will soon be back to his normal self but the news isn't great.  He seconded me into the Lodge and so I have strong ties to him.  We will find out a bit more tomorrow from his daughter, herself in her 70s.

Friday - at home

I hope this will be a little relaxing day off and one that I can sit back and do a bit of reflective thinking.   Suddenly, now the boss knows the score some of the weight on my shoulder has come off and I hadn't realised that I was beating myself up about it quite so much.

I did four days at work this week - not without some bitching - but I managed it and perhaps next week I will get a better increase in productivity and sanity.  At least I have broken the back of the main stuff for this year already.

L got her results yesterday and had a mixed bag from a straight A to a fail.  She isn't phased by it although one result was much lower than she expected.  She knows now what to do about it.  That's good and she is focussed on becoming a teacher and she has the tenacity to do it.  She has just stuck to a diet that has seen her lose a lot of weight in a controlled way, a year before she went without eating chocolate for a year.  I think I know where she gets that stubbornness from :-)

I've just come off the phone from talking with my colleague who is working with me on this other project and we will meet on Monday to decide what to do - that may finally make us take the decision to get going or park our project and move on.  

And Now the Boss knows and growing up

This morning I noticed a large Charity sack by the front door and so I peeked inside (as you do) and there were lots and lots of cuddly toys.  Stuff from Disneyland and Beanie toys we had bought when the kids were young and it was obviously going on to a good place and will be sold to make someone's life a little better.  I'm all for that - I work in a charity - it's what I do.

However, it was a bit more profound than that.  I stared into the bag and there were the memories of my little girls staring back at me.  Happy times, magic times, we did enouy ourselves then and they had these "things" that meant a lot then but mean nothing now.  Somehow they meant a lot this morning and I got one of my "Bambi moments"  - hell this cancer nonsense really screws up your hormones.  I was really moved - not upset that they were getting rid of these childish things as they were going to a good home and were for a good cause and I'm proud that both girls do things like this and give of their time and give freely of these things that probably just clutter up their rooms.  To me, of course, these things were hard earned things.  I worked to buy them and in reality I don't want to sound sore about it but they probably mean a lot to me because they are associated with happy times, growing up, fun, play and all the good stuff about having kids.  It also drags me back to those pre-cancer days and it also reminds me that my children are grown up now.  No Longer children at all.  Young Ladies.  A is 20 in a few weeks time and L will be 17 in August.  It isn't the cost or anything to do with that - to me it is the loss of the item that may bring back a memory for me.   The kids adored these things and now they are just discarded - I'm not sure I know what more to say on the subject - it just made me feel bad and realise that things move on.

I was just left with a hole this morning that is all, it felt like I'd had something ripped away from me but it wasn't the toys themselves just what memories that they surfaced.

The boss called me in today and we had a chat.  I think that someone must have told him that I wasn't best pleased with the way things have been and whilst he acknowledged that we also agreed that one of two things was about to happen.  They are keen to get me on full time working.  I had to explain the 2 factors of the operation and the possibility that my other job will burst into life but I also had to reassure him that I would not just walk away.  I owe them far more than that.

Cards are now played and I feel happier about that.  I prefer to play a relatively straight bat in these cases and this little chat did that.  More later next week.

Finally I met with my Nephew and an old friend J at a lively bar in London.  I have to say that after a number of rather delicious pints of Tangle Foot, I wandered home and Mrs. F (bless her) came and gave me a lift home and some tea....  I needed that :-)

It has been a funny old day with the disturbing bit followed by the relief of "confession" to my boss about what I think may happen.  The trouble about that is - who knows what the future will bring?

Turmoil sets in

I enjoyed work today -well most of it, the the boss p1ssed me off tonight.  A typo on a letter that has gone out some months ago has been discovered and wants me to phone everyone up and tell them or write a letter acknowledging said cock up.   Frankly it shouldn't have happened but it did and it isn't that important except to them - I think my email back almost saying "no one died did they?" may have been a bit of an overreaction but in a two page letter which only needed to be three paragraphs anyway, something was bound to go wrong.   They need to stop writing by committee.

So that set me into the opposite of the good day I had actually had.  It is mixed emotions time as I really want to do less time there and concentrate on putting to bed one way or the other, for good or bad, this other business idea my colleagues and I are working on.  It needs closure and if I gae it 6 months and got nowhere I can at least say I tried.  I would then have the problem of what to do thereafter but that problem (if it is one) can wait until then.  Being positive, it could actually give me something to hang my hat on and to concentrate on and to use the other 99% of my talent not used where it is at the moment.

I at least managed 4 days work this week at the office - almost a record I reckon.

Walking home tonight

I got to remembering coming home on the last train, getting up and catching the first train out some 4 hours later and working my ar*e off for lots of years, working 12 or 15 hours a day, every day for years and years and years. 

Where did it get me?  You know that I believed I actually missed that life style.  I was young, my children were tiny, I worked hours and hours and I didn't do badly really.  There was money for an extension to the house and I did all those "good things" you are meant to do as the bread winner and what exactly have I got out of that "deal"?

Sure - I have great children - hardly children - young adults - working - at school and university - doing what THEY want to do and knowing that they can do that without let or hindrance or limitation.  There's a house, cars in the drive, clothes on everyone's backs, food in the cupboards and everything else and somehow - I'm not satisfied with this lot.   Am I a failure?  No.  What exactly is the problem?

I wondered tonight as I walked back retracing and remembering those steps was it all worth it?  Could I have got here without all that strain and stress, the long hours etc?  Yet, I think I actually enjoyed it - the buzz of making money and being in control of part of my own destiny.  The fast and furious world of the London financial world during the big bang and after.  I threw myself at my job and I loved it.  I enjoyed the power and the privilege, controlling and dealing in millions and doing something worthwhile and yet - you've never heard of me or know what I've done.  

The struggle these days is that I long for the energy and buzz I had then but do you know what?  I look back now and wonder whether I was actually that much better off.  Did I have a better time, or better work environment and a better life (we know the answer is probably not).  Life has taken on a different meaning these past few years and I just don't appreciate that slowing down and "jsut doing a job" may actually be what is best for me at the moment.

Mind you I have never been "normal" and maybe that is also a factor.

Strange what runs through your mind when you walk home late...

Some office clearing done

I managed to get a fair bit done over the weekend and that has made a start for some of the stuff I needed to do. The rest of the stuff is still outstanding and I realised that I am beginning to get behind on everything because of the trouble I am having balancing my work, social and my other work jobs.

I've just lost a bit of discipline with work because of all the rushing around I have had to do but perhaps I can catch up this week. I just need to sit down tomorrow morning and plan that out.

The stuff Ii have to do for my social life is also getting behind as I should have done some accounts and paperwork but haven't and I also need to work out about the "other" job too.

I am still trying to work out what to do for the best and what I really want to do isn't the easy road - and yet I believe that I should do it. Taking a decision that may well lead to a little hardship and something that will put me out isn't easy. I hope that I will be able to rationalise it down the next few weeks as at the moment I really am procrastinating.

I have about 5 weeks until the procedure and so I am thinking along the lines of making that a bearing on my decision as well. I may not know the outcome until a month later although they often say what the visual result is when I come to. In a way, I am less confident about this one than the one before. Not that I feel worse or anything like it but I am acting a bit stranger these days - perhaps that's just me getting older and getting back to my old self. Maybe I ought to set out what I used to be like before Bladder Cancer at some stage so I can review the major changes that have happened.

For the moment though, it was nice day today, we went walking in the spring sun through the woods and fields near here and it was a pleasant break from being stuck in the office. It was good to see the snowdrops and crocus flowers poking their heads out and let's hope spring is finally here.

Something to think about

Have a look HERE at a post made on a social networking site ecademy. I sometimes feel like this myself that actually whilst I survived etc etc there is still this problem of never quite getting back what you had before.

See what you think - it is a bit stark I grant you but makes me look at my situation in a much better light.

Weekend Wonders

The weekend starts tomorrow really but today was good news day for Steve in the US who is again all clear after 21 months and has 3 more BCG treatments and no more pushing and poking around with until September.  It is great news and the wonders of medical science are that this killer of a disease can be treated and have good rates of success is a testament to all the wonderful people who have researched this and of course all those patients who have gone before us.

It still amazes me that someone should come up with the thought that flooding your bladder with BCG would invoke an immune reaction that would help get rid of the cancer cells and strip those away allowing you to grow a new lining of normal cells.  Amazing really when you think about it.

So that has started my weekend off well.  The sun is out and it looks to be the beginnings of spring with crocus flowers emerging after the last few months of snow and rain and grey days it finally looks to be a pleasant again.  That lightens my mood too.

I've said before that I don't think I actually have Depression as some would describe it but I certainly feel "blue" a fair bit and down, tearful and sometimes even lacking self confidence.  I am certain it goes with the territory of having had cancer and finding that I am still concious of my recovery which is ongoing - it isn't over yet by any means.

The wonders of the weekend are the joy of hearing Steve's news, the end of a particularly difficult working week for me and that this week I DID make a difference to people's lives and may have two or three people now aware of the charity and it's services as well as all the major charities.

Mixed Day

If I'd have got up and gone to the Station I would have found no trains as there is a fire further up the line and I imagine the City must look like 1/2 day closing as hardly anyone can get in from the South East of the capital.  Anyway, I'm not one of them.  

I am out later giving a talk to a Lodge which will be great.  It is reasonably local to me - just 9 miles away.   It is amazing as it will take me a lot of time to get there as I have to drive at School going home time and crosses a series of major roads.  The Sat Nav reckons 24 minutes - I reckon I can double that.

I'm feeling pretty neutral today but the sun is out which makes a change - the last few months just seem to have been grey all the time.  Everything gets a lift when we get a nice Spring day like today.

   

Stuttering start to the morning

Nearly went back to bed I was so tired.  Managed to get to work, falling asleep only twice at my desk and many more times on the train on the way home :-)

Tomorrow is big committee day - last time I got out of my pram and threw my toys around this time I envisage putting the committee onto the defensive and setting them things to do.

I feel a bit low still but I have turned out stacks of work in the past few weeks and it should culminate in some kudos tomorrow - although that doesn't pay the bills of course!!

I am then off on Wednesday and Friday with a few other bits to do in between.  Ii have a mountain of paperwork to get through but hopefully by this weekend I can get that done ready to hand over some of my job to my successor.  I live in hope.

New Week New Problems

My friend has called to say his company are about to make him redundant and in a way that has freed his mind a bit and allowed him to consider his options.  He and I are involved in this other venture and I am now seriously considering quitting or coming away from full time properly the current job.  I am finding it difficult to sort out quite what I should do as I can see an argument for both side, can see that I have been lucky to work with some lovely people and all that but, fundamentally there is a problem with doing what amounts to your hobby in a full time capacity.

My appointment is now set for the 12th April and my pre-assessment is the 6th.  It looks to be an early appointment so who knows I may get out the same day - it hasn't happened recently but I live in hope.

Energy levels are quite low after the excitement of the weekend and two meetings one after the other.   The trouble is, as always that I put a lot of effort in and the great news is things went well but afterwards it is all a bit of an anti climax.  I'm just feeling tired and tomorrow I need to head into work which I don't fancy at all.  Tuesday is committee which looks like I'll end up controlling and then Wednesday I am out at a Lodge doing a talk in the evening.  Thursday is a nice half day followed by a Lunch event.  Friday I have decided to stay at home to recuperate.

It is strange - I just feel lazy and don't want to do anything at the moment.

On a Brighter Note

My other friend who has Bladder Cancer has been given the all clear.  Thank goodness for that - we thought it was bye bye bladder last time I spoke to him.  In fact he is just on check ups.  I wonder if that was because of the immense trouble he had as he had to go back to theatre he was bleeding so badly last time.  Anyway - good news for him.  That has cheered me up a bit considering the bad news about my friend's dad yesterday.

What happens is that every time you hear this it brings you back to your own situation (of course it does) and I start to consider how lucky I really am and in a way it cheers me up and depresses me all at the same time.  I'm really glad that I am where I am and I feel like I do but also there is the realisation that many people don't have that good fortune and their lot isn't so good.

I decided to get back onto the Cross Trainer today and surprised myself with a 15 minute workout that went quite well.  I am surprisingly fit but need to do things regularly to be of benefit.  I just need to get my diet under control a bit better.  The inevitable lunches and dinners I go to throw this out every week.   I need to make sure that I eat properly though and so can't starve myself or do anything too serious as it may affect my health in other ways.

Still - I am in better temper than I have been for a while and whilst Ii still cant say I am enjoying my job, at least it isn't getting me angry like the past few weeks.

I didn't quit today

I was back to running the show today and so was busy and involved and then some other things came up and I was back in and interested.  I imagine it will only be short lived.  I am off tomorrow and Friday and again doing three or so days a week helps me to stay there and not to chuck it all in.

Got a shock as the chap who suggested I set up this blog let a few of us know that his dad has tumours in his brain and lungs and has been diagnosed with cancer.  It sort of knocks me off balance a little when I hear these things.  at least, I think, I can offer some assistance somehow.  He starts radiotherapy very soon and I'll see him in a few weeks to have a chat.

I can at least give the human side of the patient so that no one makes the mistakes I've seen when they talk to me documented earlier in this blog.

So - what for me?  feeling a bit worn down really and awaiting the date for the next procedure/operation.  they said they would get back to me on Monday and didn't.  I'd like to know so that I can ensure that I don't have any appointments at that time.

I am still working out whether or not to stay at the job - it really doesn't do anything for me although I am one of the characters in the organisation - I don't carry any responsibility or much clout and end up clerking a lot.  I'll need to make a decision soon though.