Up Early

Surprised me but I am up at just gone 5 this morning. No idea why although I did go to bed early yesterday and Hospital means you are normally lights out around 9:30 or so. I feel quite well and generally my skin is now returned to warm from clammy.

I'm probably as beaten up as I was the very first time I went in and had the TURBT. I'm not as weak and in generally as bad a way as I was then but I was also dealing with the diagnosis and in some respects the shock of it all. I also firmly believe I had been ill for some time and that finding out it was cancer can going through such a traumatic experience over what seemed like an age (but was less than 4 weeks total) was a major event.

Talking of major events, Mrs. F, A & L took part in Race For Life on Sunday - they went to the big one at Hyde Park in London meaning that I had to have alternative means of transport home on Sunday. I probably don't want to think too deeply about why they and all their friends do it but they had a lovely time all dressed in pink and I've yet to see their photos. I'm sort of humbled that they'd take part.

Today is another rest day for me. I intend to take it relatively easy and maybe work up some ideas for Scar Wars IX. I can still feel stinging in my urine which means there is blood present although I can't see it at the moment. I must weigh myself and publish that for Steve too.

Yuk, yuk and double yuk

She wasn't kidding when she told me that there'd be a lot of debris and blood as she had taken loads of samples. Today was gross out day and detritus was a constant stream in my many, many trips to the toilet. I'm an old hand at this - you drink constantly up to 5 pints of water a day - I reckon I've done more than that to get a 15 to 20 minute frequency going. The more you pee the quicker you get the healing process going and the less painful it gets.

Pain was the least of my worries the gross out bit never fails to make you cringe. Lots of large bits were falling out but have now stopped.

I'm feeling a little better yet still slightly angry at the 3 day sojourn rather than the in and out.

Off to bed now and feeling quite good after a shower and a shave. Tomorrow I hope to spend a little more time up and about - I lazed around and watched DVDs, Avatar, Kill Bill Vol 1, Catch me if you can and Papillon - all of which were good value I felt. The last one was a bit like the Hospital - especially the food :-)

I was all set to

Burst into tears - I was close to it, I admit. I was so utterly frustrated at the pace things were going at a stupid pace and then a pretty serious set back in my recovery which basically meant I fainted or passed out late this morning got me quite rattled with the doctor who wanted me to stay in. After "a few words" I got my way and managed to get home but the trouble is, after all my saying about "things will take their own time" and "what will be will be" you can hardly expect as it passed 48 hours after the time of my operation that I still actually wanted to be pleading to go home. However, I can be pretty persistent and pretty persuasive when I want to be.

Well I am off to bed and will have to sort myself out tomorrow for a weigh in. A quick look tonight shows 232 pounds, but I'm weighed down with a good few pints of water in my system to get me irrigated and so seeing how little I actually ate these past few days I'd think there is some loss but I have to wait and see.

For someone who likes to be in control and let's face it, I've had 8 of these Cystoscopies, not one of them has been the same as the other. There is no pattern, little logic or rhyme and reason behind them. The leaflet is straightforward and states a series of facts and not one of them is correct for this particular visit. The problem comes when you set yourself up for the obvious answer to facts and factoids (I love that word) presented to you and you make a "logical" assumption only to find that you are WAY wide of the mark. I woke and found myself cursing the fact I had a Cathether stuck in me but worse that that two huge saline irrigation bags alongside my plasma bag and I really thought that they'd found a tumour and TURBT'd me. What else could it possibly be - the only experience I have ever had of that sort of set up was the original TURBT and the first Cystoscopy that turned in a Re-TURBT (Scar Wars II - has many of these traits too). How wrong was that? Way off beam, no tumours at all, no funny things that looked like tumours. So how come I ended up with all the gear? Biopsies in the neck of the bladder and as they were there they re-did the areas from last time and another lot as well, in fact they just went to town and used my bladder lining as an open cast mining town!

Anyway - bed - I must get some sleep. However, fear not, there was also plenty of humour along the way....

I have just re-read this post - this is why you should not sign legal documents, drive a car or do other things (like write a blog) after a general aneasthetic. I will leave it as it is to serve me right in the future :-)

Sunday Afternoon???

Yes Sunday afternoon and I finally got back from my Cystoscopy. Wait until you read Scar Wars IX for absolute details - let's just say "It's been emotional!"

The good news out of all this utter turmoil is that it looks clear and my Consultant said "It looked OK, a little pink where we operated last time" (3 months ago) and "I would be surprised if the lab results show anything different"

The comedy of errors and the sheer amount of work they did mean that Scar Wars IX overran Scar Wars I and Scar Wars II by more than 4 hours!!! So this is the longest of any of the procedures to date and it was just a check up :-(

More later - I'm OK that's important. I'm pretty sore, very p1ssed off and quite emotional but other than that - fine :-)

You've been here before

I certainly have been here before. I am now plugged into my MP3 player, listening to Supertramp as it happens. Just doing some odds and ends, updating Facebook, updating here, getting myself into the zone as far as I can and just preparing myself for the rest of the day.

I'm pretty much neutral on outcome - by that I mean I haven't prejudged it this time. I wait to hear what they say and I hope for the best but may have to accept second best. I really hope that they can just get on with it and get me out as soon as possible. I just want to be on the other side as soon as possible.

I need to do a trawl around the house and check everything and then wander up to the Hospital. Scar Wars IX here we go.

That's a little better

Crashed into the exercise regime and did a 30 minute burn. Took my mind off what is going on later, brought my blood pressure down and with a bit of luck will allow me to potter about until 11 when I need to head off to the Hospital. In fact I might go 10 minutes later to arrive just after the time they want me there. This will save waiting in that awful waiting room I hope and let me get straight to my curtained off area to get ready and into my zone.

Floods of Dreams

They are strange things dreams, my Dad was in a few last night, chatting away to this chap who is actually seen on TV and we were in some old fashioned shop chatting away about some cycling down to the coast or some such thing. A fitful night, as you'd expect and a nervy feel this morning. I can feel my heart thumping away and my Blood Pressure reading is reassuringly high, so high that I am not going to record it on my chart until after I've done some exercise. I've made a decision to do that this morning - more as a distraction than anything else with the possibility it may just get my breathing and Blood Pressure under some sort of control.

Light breakfast has been had and I am now on water only until 11 and nothing after that until after the operation. My MP3 player is charged up and ready to go but I'm not packed yet - I will do that in a minute or two once Mrs. F. and L go off to work and school. I then have the place to myself and can sort myself out accordingly.

As I often say to myself, it will all be over this time tomorrow. I hope that is the case. More importantly, it is whether there are any recurrences and if there are, what grade and stage they are at and what to do about them. If things are clear, that will be good. I feel pretty good although I have sympathetic pains in and around by bladder and the back of my hand - strange sensations both.

I feel pretty good - albeit I know I'm a bit stressed. I'll see how a bit of exercise and a shower and shave make me feel. Hopefully that will burn away some of the hours.

And so to bed

Well I will do once I've sorted myself out for tomorrow. I need to be up early for a light breakfast and then I can do some checking before taking myself off to the Hospital. I'm charging my MP3 player and have spare batteries for the other one. This time I am taking ordinary music - not particularly soothing classical like normal to see if I react any differently to some rock, progressive, pop and general music.

I didn't do any exercise this afternoon - I really just couldn't be bothered and the golf was on and I spoke to my business partner around about 3 pm and realised that I wasn't concentrating on doing my work and I was going "into the zone". By that I mean going through my rituals and beginning to go into a shell like existence where I'm in myself - I'm sort of safe there and lost in my own little world that protects me from myself and builds up this shield when I have to go to the Hospital. The roller coaster will start tomorrow and I have little or no control over where it stops and how things will work out. Ideally I'd like for it all to be over in 5 minutes and then to be home in an hour after going in but that isn't going to happen.

Experience has told me the best thing to do is to just let it roll and go with the flow, it will happen in its own good time and it is no use getting all het up about it, what will be will be and that's all there is to it.

What they find will be what they find and I can't do anything about that either and so it isn't worth the worry and when I think about the past I begin to realise that this is the way of it from now on. I am being well looked after and monitored closely - I'm young and so they want to make sure. That sounds a bit callous but I think that is what I read between the lines.

I hope that I'll manage to get some sleep tonight just in case I am kept in overnight tomorrow again. I hate that - really hate it and so I will hope to "challenge" my Consultant to get me out on the same day like last time. If I have any wish at all it would be that - there is nothing worse than trying to sleep in a busy Hospital ward!

I had to laugh a minute ago though when I saw Steve K's Blog - he and I are having a friendly weight loss competition - what made me laugh was the thought that maybe I was only going in for biopsies to lose more weight. It only hurts when I laugh - or will do for two or three days anyway. Well at least that brought a smile to my otherwise serious face this evening - thanks Steve :-)

Well I had better be off and get my bag packed ready for tomorrow.

Here it comes

It is difficult to describe the feeling to you. it is a heavy feeling, clawing and at the same time it also has a distinct taste to it and it is stress and a bit of fear all rolled into one. It has just gripped me and the reason is that in about 24 hours I'll be wheeled down to theatre for another set of biopsies and whilst I'm uncertain of the outcome - I do know what to expect throughout the day.

It is strange this feeling, breathing is a little more laboured and suddenly no real interest in or ability to do much in the way of work. It is just as if a switch has been thrown and I just feel down although in reality I keep my upbeat thoughts - my body refuses to be as cheerful as I think it should be.

Oh well - here we go again, much as before I just have to get myself into the zone and go with the flow. It is going to happen at their speed not mine and I just need to remember that I'm not in control tomorrow, much as I'd like to be. It is however Friday so maybe they'll push things through a bit quicker so they can get home.

Exercise - the upside

I guess you have to grasp on to anything if you have to do exercise. So here's my upside. My blood pressure is way down and still going down which is just great - so there's the upside. I also do feel much better and a lot fitter plus my weight is coming down gradually which is great too.

Breaking the habit of regular exercise in the next week because of my operation will be hard I think but perhaps I can do some light walking so as not to disturb the scabs that will be in my bladder. We will see I guess.

Run in to Friday

Well - here we go - it's half way through the week and just a few days away from my operation. I'm struggling to keep focussed on my day job at the moment as there is just so much to do. The need for a schedule is pretty key and that is down to me to refine and complete. I hope to spend time after the operation doing that as I won't be mobile and can sit down and just crack on with that.

So much research and work to do it is mind mending stuff. I hope that I can spend my recuperation time in getting some more of that cracked too.

I've some DVDs arriving in the next few days to keep me occupied as well - I'm looking forward to getting my hands on those as it can be pretty boring hanging around doing nothing for hours at a time and whilst I'd like to think I can do some work - I won't be able to sit at my desk for long periods of time for a few days at least.

Run Down to Friday

I am on the run in to Friday and I was out with my friends tonight. It suddenly dawned on me that my friend's father died around this time 4 year ago and I was unable to attend the funeral mainly because of my need to visit the toilet around every 20 or 30 minutes.

I wrote a letter to him and his mother and I remember the guilty feeling I had that I got cancer just as his father - who was such a lovely guy and massive friend to me - was losing his battle with Colon Cancer. It was about this time 4 years ago. I have to admit to being quite upset that I caused even more upset to my friend at that time. He lost his father and I remember calling up to see how things were going and to explain my situation and then realising that my situation could only add to my friend's problems. Suddenly I felt guilty for having contracted my cancer at the same time such a close friend's dad had died of his.

Compliment

My business partner turned up today and took a step back and said "Blimey, you look really well" which is a nice thing to hear. I haven't seen him for 2 weeks and I suppose Ii must be looking a bit tanned after the weekend away and I must be 4 or 5 lbs lighter. It is funny how, all of a sudden, you look slimmer - my stomach is just a belly now not a near full term pregnancy!!!

I went back to exercising tonight and my blood pressure is now way down on even a few weeks ago at 120 over 75 for goodness sake. I used to have 125 as a lower reading (well almost - only kidding). However, it is staggering to see how much it has dropped down in just about 5 weeks or so. I am hoping to continue to slowly drop weight and to get back down to a reasonable weight and I hope that I can achieve really good results by September or October.

Work continues apace and we were bashing out more plans and bits today. It is hard grind and can be quite boring too so it is good when we get together and share out some of the work and see how far we each have got.

I am out tonight with my old school chums. At least I wont be getting any rubbish off of them like I got last week. We shall be enjoying a few beers and I'll be wishing my friend well as he goes off on his Baltic Cruise and follows - roughly - what we did last year.

That was nice

I haven't been to G's Lodge since the day he was initiated and that's a combination of things including my own Lodge of Instruction meets on Monday and I'm relatively senior and have to be there. My treatments, when I had them, happened on a Monday and I was generally in no fit state to go and a million and one other reasons. However, I made it at last. A little early but that was good. Very good as I had to travel by tube in this hot and muggy weather.

As regular readers know I happen to suffer from a couple of worrying character traits and phobias. The phobia that is the worst is claustrophobia and so as you can imagine - a trip on an Underground train is right up there on my list along with drilling a hole in my own head, plunging my body into boiling water and a few other things I could think of. But as I got away from work early I was able to catch the train early and so spend a nice quiet few minutes in a pub in Tufnel Park drinking a rather cheeky Red Beer from Cornwall - Mmmm. It was boiling at the meeting and I managed to get a job to do which I did enjoy. A vegetarian meal was provided and so that also made for an interesting evening. One of G's mates drove me most of the way home which was great he dropped me at a railway station and after 2 minutes wait I caught a train to my local station and a further 2 or 3 minutes later the bus turned up so I was home by 10:30!! which is great. A good result all around.

Pleased that I didn't have any travel issues on the Underground at all - not even shortness of breath so pretty impressed. i did though notice my behaviour about where I sat and how I get on and off these trains, how near I sit to doors and windows etc.

That's strange

My ears are getting longer, my nose has started to twitch a lot and I've taken a rather strange like to carrots. Time to move into the Hutch....

Out all day tomorrow - time to face the wrath of my co-workers for not turning up on Friday after the crazy afternoon of credit card cancelling and all that jazz! What a day Friday was. This Friday coming will also be one of those days too. Scar Wars IX breaks the horizon and I'm trying not to get all emotional about it. In a way, it frightens me that I got a recurrence last time and perhaps there will be something worse there this time. That's why they've brought it forward 3 months so they can check that out. I hope for the best but this time I need to be a little less optimistic about the results so that if it is worse than the results I want, it doesn't come to me as big a shock as it did last time.

Diet will be blown off the rails tomorrow as I am back in the office and they are providing lunch for our meeting and then I am off to a meeting in London, which will be great as I haven't been there for a long time. I just hope they finish at a decent time so I can get home OK. Last time some nice chap gave me a lift back as I was in danger of missing my last train. As I recall - I got a really late bus home - almost the last one!! I have been assured that this time it will not be a late one. Fingers Crossed.

Weight

16 Stones and 3 lbs - which in real money is 227 lbs.  I suppose I shouldn't be surprised about that as the Hospital measured me lower than that on Wednesday and this week I have actually noticed things like my trousers being really loose, my jackets are no longer tight especially around my stomach.  Even my thighs look thinner - if that can possibly be :-)

I'm very pleased - I reckon the weather must also have a lot to do with it - I've been eating (except last night's barbecue) rabbit food all week and just a little fish or meat.  Generally, I eat salads with some sort of fish or have baked potatoes with baked beans and Tuna and some low fat cheese.  I'm still thwacking back cottage cheese and taking my pro-biotic yoghurt drink every morning.  I'm eating lots of fruit and also have dried fruits too.  I have no sugar or sweet things, no crisps, no cakes or anything like that - if I want a snack I go and get a piece of fruit or a stick of celery or some such.  It is slightly more than my target 2lbs a week but I'm sure there are anomalies with the measuring equipment and some sort of plus / minus thing that goes on.

I will have to be careful after I come out of Hospital as I tend to "boredom eat" if Ii am just sat or lying around all day recovering.  If you've not had a Rigid Cystoscopy the main thing is that they insert a large tube up your urethra  which leaves you pretty sore for 24 to 36 hours and uncomfortable for about a week I suppose.  Because they normally take out 6 biopsies from your bladder to examine, and these are cauterised wounds, they scab up and you must be careful to let them heal and they tend to take a few weeks to clear up completely.  Unfortunately you do tend to pee a bit of blood and the odd clot for a few days afterwards and then perhaps up to 2 weeks later can pass some bits.  It isn't painful just unnatural and therefore disturbing.  So as you can imagine, leaping around, doing exercises or any other over exuberent activity is seriously frowned on.  I did some and set myself back - this was probably in early 2007 and I was told just to take it easy.  Things like driving especially a heavy old clutched manual car like mine are also not advisable for the first week or so.

Well, I am pleased with my progress to date and I am pleased that I've changed my eating habits enough to continue to lose weight with the help of my exercises.  I am not expecting too much in the way of loss in the next 3 weeks though.  

Thing are a little cooler

The weather has broken down a bit and with a bit of luck we can spend a day in warm but not humid conditions. Yesterday was almost getting to unbearable and doing anything was difficult. Exercise was right out and so that meant 2 days without doing any. I am out all day tomorrow and so it may not be until Tuesday that I can get back to doing any and then only up until Friday and my operation. I might even consider doing some exercise before going in to hospital - at least my Blood Pressure will be low :-)

I need to go and check out my weight etc in a short while and publish that. I'm hot expecting great things this week especially with a few days missed through the heat.

Too hot to exercise

Saturday was so warm today that it was difficult to do anything but hang around indoors with fans blowing air around. It is too hot to do anything and there was no way Ii was going to tackle any exercise today in case I overdid things.

Feeling OK, a little p1ssed off with yesterday's nonsense with the on-line fraud stuff. An me after all my years in the business too.

Other than that - an easy day just everyone is boiling hot.

So that blew my Exercise and going to London

I spent half the afternoon sorting this out and doing the usual changing passwords and all that good stuff. What a nightmare.

It is boiling tonight and the fans will be working overtime in our rooms to keep us cool. The humidity is through the roof - we just aren't used to it. Hopefully we will get some sleep but it will be difficult.

Come to think of it - doing exercise in this would have been pretty meaningless I cannot imagine it would have been comfortable or constructive.

Roll on the weekend. I need to just enjoy it after the annoyance of today and the brain work I've done and - of course - getting ready for Scar Wars IX next Friday. At least by this time next week it will all be over. I hope it isn't as hot as it is today....

Bugger

Identity theft - what a dumb ass. A long day, it's very warm and I fell for it. At least I knew as soon as I hit the button what it was and blow me - at least we were able to call it in and stop the credit cards straight away. Clever - really clever and I even did some looking around first to see what it was all about. They've been very clever by using a system that points people to their site.

Dear Lord please give me one minute on my own with one of these low life good for nothing waste of oxygen wasters - oh yes - I need a baseball bat - and I can so something about it. Ripping them a new rectum seems somewhat appropriate. So I didn't get to go up to town and have a few drinks with my work colleagues I have gone through all my email accounts and everything else on-line and changed the passwords.

So, let us hope that something very nasty happens to them and they get caught and locked up with the big boys in prison.