The Cancer Bond

By which I mean the immediate empathy you have when anyone you know tells you they have Cancer. Straight away you are in the zone and don't need to go through the awkward questions to start with you can get straight into the conversation about what you've got and what stage and what treatment and how do you feel etc.

Suddenly you are sharing diagnosis, treatments, tiredness, head issues and the lot. Mind you it is a bit difficult when you find out that they are terminal or things "don't look good". That's still a difficult one to talk conversationally about because what exactly do you say? It is all twee and it doesn't matter as they are coming to terms with mortality and you aren't and have no idea what that is like other than the initial stages of the disease when you thought that it was going to happen to you.

It's as difficult to talk to someone who is dying even though we share the Cancer brother/sister hood of this most awful of diseases. There are three people I know who are now on the run down and I find it more and more difficult to find something worthwhile to say to them that doesn't sound as if I'm about to say something like how lucky am I that I am not you (that sounds horrible but you can understand why you'd think it).

Perhaps I need to confront my demons again and see if I can't work out a way to do this. I just feel acutely aware of how lucky I am not to be in the same situation as them and I can't put myself in their shoes as I don't want to go back to that dark place again. It played on my mind and it was a dark and horrible time. Self preservation kicks in, I'm prepared to talk about Cancer and discuss the treatments and side effects and all that but not the inevitable outcome of some sufferers who have the worst prognosis. Hopefully I'm not a bad person for that - it makes me feel a fraud sometimes that I cannot face it but in reality I know very few people who can.

Resigned Feeling

I have that today. Last night I was a bit put out as there was an announcement that didn't make sense. Suddenly all the rules got changed and a number of us were left asking the question, what do we have to do to be recognised and be rewarded. It really doesn't matter too much what I'm rattling on about at the moment other than to say that someone got promoted and no one understands why he should be preferred over a number of us. It's not the person, I know him and he's a good chap etc but he's hardly done the years or the input to achieve such a promotion so soon. What has happened just de motivates and cheapens the whole thing so I'm now just going to do what I do and not put myself out or volunteer to do any more than I currently do now. It's not worth it. It's a shame but by devaluing the whole process this way, a huge number of people were left disappointed because we quickly realised that the goal posts have moved.

I will just back away from all the stuff I do and spend a bit more time dedicated to myself. When it is all going one way like it is now, then you may as well go back to looking after yourself.

House full of sick people

L has been ill since Saturday, A has just gone down with it, Mrs. F. has been up to the Doctors for a stomach complaint too. Me - I feel this bad ALL the time :-)

I've had a silly cough for weeks now and it was only that it was mentioned tonight that I thought about it. Better get that checked out if it is still with me next week!

Been a good day in a way we spent time on the business and realised how utterly complicated it was :-) No bad thing so we simplified it and we decided on a set of actions to try and rationalise the financial plan to make it less cumbersome. We are getting to the exciting, nervous, doubting, worrying, don't believe it bit in the process where the finances and plans all come together and start to make some sense. Well they would do if it wasn't for the scale of the ambition and the scale of the problem we are tackling. It's all good fun though and will keep us busy for the next 2 months I reckon. We will probably have to consider that we will have taken a whole year to actually get this far but the amount of work we have put in is commensurate with the amount of money we need to build the business.

I hope that everyone in the house feels a bit better tomorrow than they have today. I don't want to be ill as it is one of those pleasant evenings coming up tomorrow where we get to sit down for dinner with about 300 others for our Officers' Mess. I can get there by bus and so have a drink or two and Mrs. F. (if she is fit enough) can come and pick me up later.

So It's OK to have doubts

In everything, it's OK to doubt yourself and I found that it is the same in business and in sickness and in many things. I do find that I doubt myself perhaps a lot more than I used to. It is a good thing although it can also be disruptive. I think I used to have few if any doubts before bladder cancer, I steamed along and was pretty confident, very much knew what I wanted to achieve and how I was going to get there. I was pretty much the self made man, successful and a little arrogant - which I needed to be to do my job. Probably am still a bit arrogant I guess but nowhere near like I was before and as I've suggested before, Cancer rips away so much of your self esteem and confidence.

So the weekend was awfully tragic with the Japanese earthquake thing happening to which I heard today one of my friend's was involved in but they are OK and travelling back to the UK today.

It was nice to get out to our Lodge meeting on Saturday and get involved in that. We had a good time and met up with some guys we haven't seen for a long time.

It was after that when I started having one of my doubting moments. Basically I was questioning the sheer audacity of our business plans. It is a plan of major scale and ambition and, we feel, well supported by three years work (part time) and getting close to 9 months work full time. That's just to get the business plan together to start up not to go to production!

These doubts are good. Why? Well they make us question ourselves constantly. Are we barking mad? Have we thought it through? Does it make sense? If you don't doubt yourself and just blindly blunder on I'm certain you'd come a cropper. At least by constantly testing ourselves and having these doubts we are keeping things sane and ensuring we are fully prepared to review, make changes and move on. Things just have to be right and checking like this ensures it is. Of course, it isn't nice to keep doubting but if it plays its part in making sure we have covered everything then perhaps it is worth it.

Poor Japan

How awful, I woke to see the news and just felt sick in my stomach to see the tragic consequences of the Earthquake and Tsunami unfolding in real time.

Perhaps we should all learn something from that and those scenes. I saw a car running ahead of the waters but it looked to me as if it eventually had to succumb. Just one of many thousands of tragedies this day.

A meeting in London today broke the mood and I met up with a very old friend which was great. Unfortunately he had to work and so the meeting was short but I do hope that we will get him to join us in our venture, he can bring so much to the party.

I'm feeling a lot better at the end of the week than I was at the beginning so I ought to be thankful for that.

Even Better Today

Gradually improving situation brought about through the realisation that we are more advanced than we thought we were, we have achieved a lot despite all set backs and that we thoroughly researched our business.

Had a good day today and also a good night out with some colleagues - a nice beer and a Chinese meal - which was excellent, as always, and reasonably priced too. It's still difficult getting these guys to commit. Frankly I'm not surprised as we don't have any funding yet and so to ask young guys with commitments at home - young families too - to come along with us will obviously be one hell of an ask. such is the life of a start up business. No money and no people. When we get the money we can get the people but it's all a risk and you can see that these days, no one wants to take the risk despite what rewards may be there in the fullness of time.

Lots of people despise those who build businesses and yet, if they knew the half of how downright difficult it was, would give up at the first sign of hard work.

Better today

A lot better thank goodness. A night out with friends appears to have done wonders and a day steadily persevering through my workload also helped - as did an extra hour in bed I gave myself this morning.

Later today - as it is past midnight - my business partner will be here. We will have an interesting time as we surely are entering the end game and we are on the last lap. Of course there is a possibility that the 5% remaining will take 95% of the effort but, what the heck, let's get on and tackle it.

I do need to do some serious soul searching though and I need to try and relinquish doing so much. It was fine for a while and even the last 5 years I haven't really given up that much in terms of the things I do. I've back seated the family history for a while. I suppose that it is pretty good that I have done so as I used to spend at least a day a week on it at peak and one year (2001) spent 6 months doing it. Hence I have a 700 page family history web site. Mind you I haven't been able to do much with it these past 10 years - I think I updated it in 2003 and that was the last time. I keep the records straight and that's about all these days.

I still could drop off more things. I really find it a struggle to do the accounts for the Lodges but I'll do them, it just takes away more of the little leisure time I do have.

If the business takes off then I'm going to have little enough time to do things I want to do. Building the business will be full on. Of course, if we don't get any interested investors then plan b will have to kick in whatever plan b might be :-)

Maybe its that thought that makes the next few months interesting but is probably bringing me up short. It's fair enough to doubt yourself, we all do it. It's understanding what it is that's making you doubt that for me is difficult. It appears to me that you never actually "get over" your cancer. You can never just park it and carry on, it sticks around like a perpetual shadow following you wherever you go and even if you haven't thought about things for a while, every now and then you'll catch a glimpse of it haunting you and bringing you back to where you don't want to be ever again but where you know, with BC, you just might be.

After a Curry

The world seems to be OK. Again, all my firends there all talking about their deceased fathers and of course my dad is very much alive. I kind of lived with that.

A nice curry - very nice indeed, my local curry restaurant does a very respectable curry and I had the Lamb sautéed in Sambucca. Mmmmm.

We did the usual rounds of jokes and had a good deal of fun but somehow, I'm still not 100% me at the moment. I do my best, we had a good time but I was below my usual effervescent self.

I'm thinking that it is definitely the "end game" that is making me like this and that we (collectively) have moved on and transitioned in this last week. It's all real now, very real - that's frightening and not a place that's nice to go to - a big challenge but also a test of our mettle. I just need to convince myself that I am up to the job. I doubt myself too much, too often and I know I can do this. Let's face it, this is a walk in the park compared to what's happened to me in the past 5 years!

Stil not much better

Got a mountain of work to get through and I guess losing half the team isn't actually helping - not that they actually did that much. Seeing it stretched out before us is a bit daunting and perhaps that's part of this quite depressive mood I'm in.

It is what it is though and I just need to get on and do it. Perhaps I'll cheer myself up with my mates later. That normally does the trick.

This isn't a good place at the moment

I cannot put my finger on what it is at all. I'm just not in a good place at all at the moment. I feel lethargic, slow, stressed (but not to breaking point) and generally out of salts. It's just bizarre as it has only kicked in these past few days.

It's almost as if I know something is about to happen and yet I don't want it to. Something coming down the line that will affect the way the rest of the years will pan out.

Whatever it is, I do hope I shake it off before tonight. I'm out with some friends (all my old school chums + 1) for a curry and I want to be on better form for that. I'll probably rise to the occasion - I managed to last night when we were out.

I hope I get out of here soon, I feel pretty down and depressed at the moment and cannot for the life of me understand quite what has brought it about. Perhaps it is that we are getting near to an event that could shake up my world and perhaps, deep inside, I just don't want to be there or perhaps I'm worried about going there, which is strange really considering that's what I want. Maybe there are some worries about what that will mean to my family, my friends and ultimately to me?

Changes

I've been a committed (not in the sense of being stuck in an Institution) Freemason for 28 years this month. In all those years I've been - as far as I can be - a useful person, doing various roles and working my way from the early beginnings to being a reasonably well known person in my local Province. I even worked for 2 years or more in the heart of the organisation doing my charity piece and setting up a new area for them in the worlds of PR and Communications.

This weekend, I get to do some of the ritual work as Worshipful Master of the Lodge (just for a stand in appearance) something I haven't done since I was Master in 1991 apart from odd stand in roles. It will be nice to get up into the limelight once again.

But there's something not quite right at the moment about it and it's to do with the business and also my concentration on the work in hand, getting this company rolling. It's taking time and a lot more effort than I thought it would (if you look back over the past 2 or 3 months posts you'll see why). But more than that I'm feeling tired and disinterested at the moment and perhaps somewhat jaded in my outlook. I'm still Treasurer of 3 units, Chaplain of a further 2 and I kind of realised that I don't have the commitment that I once had for this any-more. Hell - I'm getting tired of it taking so much of my time and in a way, whilst I enjoy it very much I dislike the way things are panning out these days. There's a lot of politics being played and somewhere along the line we've lost the meaning of it all. I'm thinking that pulling away from this over the next year or so and leaving it to the youngsters to pick it up is the way forward.

I'd really like to give up some of the long standing stuff I do as I've been doing it so long that I'm not bringing anything "new" to the party at all. I really think it would be useful for me to pull back than try and do anything about it. I want it to be for other people after I've had some 15 years in the limelight and I could do with the rest really.

I think that change is coming this year and that it will do me good. I probably have to give some things up at some point. What would happen if I couldn't carry on? Someone would have to be found to fill my place - it's the way of things, life goes on.

we are now on the cusp of seeing if we can get our ideas to market. We know that most ideas just flop but we think we have something that has mileage. If we do get the opportunity to take it on, I'm not going to have an hour to myself for long periods of time and so it is a bit academic deciding what I can and cannot do. I remember when I set up my business in the late 80s that I didn't have much to do in the Lodge. I had an Office but I could work on that one thing like crazy in between times and could do what was needed a couple of times a year. Now, well I doubt that I could get anywhere near that level of commitment - its 25 or so years ago - I was young and much fitter.

It's a feeling "in my water" that there's change coming along the road and that my Masonic hobby will change and also that my attitude to it will also have to take a back seat if I am to give the business a chance.

My dreams are back with all their technicolour strangeness and I had a bad one where my friend and I go and see where my friend died in January just up the road here. We found the spot and were told off by the office staff for being on private property, we had a row as I recall and then things faded out. I still can't believe he's gone and left us, what a tragedy that was to start 2011.

I was also acutely aware that there is a fine line here and that is whether people are remembered after they go? All these wonderful human beings lie forgotten, held in esteem by their families - maybe - but we don't know all these people at all. All the war heroes and their obituaries line our newspapers, people with interesting and accomplished lives, amazing feats and stories but at the end of the day, how many are truly remembered? How many names are on our lips daily? I'd state very few and it makes me wonder what it is all about sometimes. I mean, someone does something extraordinary and is recognised for it at the time but later on, maybe even before they die, their names are lost. The world is looking on to the next "now" thing.

Life's a funny old thing isn't it? I have great kids, I have done my best, I live in a nice place, I can afford to chase a dream, I survived this type of cancer so far but I am not absolutely certain that survival is my destiny, I hold a vision for a better place through technology and I have great friends and some that may return to be great one day. But something isn't right with the way it is, it isn't "ticking all my boxes" and this year may well be the shakedown on that. Let's see where the journey takes me and let's see where the roller coaster finally comes to rest.

Then I haven't mentioned cancer too much

I suppose you begin to forget things like what it used to be like and what it was to have cancer and live with it for a while. Today I live with the "threat" of it all the time not having it because, as far as I can recollect, I only had it for a short time about four times. The first time they cut it out, then they found some more at the next TURBT (a re-seed as they called it), then CIS and then the minute tumour they found a little while back.

The fear will always be that it can return and unfortunately the rate of recurrence is very high for this particular type of cancer. So you never get to be fully in remission or feel free. You initially hate it and that's pretty much what you would expect. You respect it, let's face it, it's an amazing thing that you can get cancer and they can cure you.

What of the scars? Well the physical ones I can't see but apparently they do exist and I suppose, as the bladder repairs itself they eventually go away. I'm guessing that Kidneys and tubes are somehow damaged too but let's hope that it is minor. I'm still struggling with fitness and that is something I hope to really tackle this year. It's the mental scars that take some fixing.

I've often blogged about these scars and the most obvious one is the inability to see others suffer and I can't really watch films, tv or even real life where there is something sad. I just watched Finding Neverland and was really uncomfortable with it especially the ending. I cannot tell you what this is all about except that it is and isn't a great thing. Sure I may be "more in touch" now with my emotions. But the other sets of emotions are to do with right and wrong, social justice, that sort of stuff.

I suppose it isn't too bad to come out of the jaws of cancer and just have a handful of emotional scars and worries? Of course you could do without them but perhaps it isn't too bad a price to pay?

How Strange

Last night I thought I'd sit down and watch a couple of DVDs that I bought recently.

I started off with the Motorcycle Diaries and then finished off with Cinema Paradiso. Both are sub titled foreign language films and the first one was just a really interesting look at Che Guevara and his early life. This morning I learnt that the other Che (Alberto Granado), who we see at the end of the film, died yesterday. The link is here. I had previously seen the Che part one and two that looked at Cuba and Bolivia and the remainder of Che's life - it made a lot of sense, seeing this film, how that must have shaped his thought. I found it an uplifting and unusual road movie and thoroughly enjoyed it.

Cinema Paradiso won a string of BAFTAs and an Oscar and didn't disappoint but it really chewed me up at the end and brought through some interesting points to ponder on. It wasn't at all what I expected but I was drawn to it by the music of Ennio Morricone and that it was highly recommended by a friend.

Looking at the news today and seeing the death of Alberto on the very day I was watching the film was a bit spooky though...

A good night out

We celebrated last night and Flocky Bicep came and joined us for a few beers and a curry. That was nice and a pleasant end to the week. I found a new dish that I will try on Tuesday night when I am out. It was a Lamb dish flamed in Sambuca. Very nice indeed.

I am just preparing for a quiet weekend and one in which I hope to sort out my various Treasurer duties and work on the books. I hate chasing money and I don't really like being a Treasurer it is an OK sort of job and someone has to do it but I would prefer to get back into the action. I think though that I should give things a rest for a while as I hope we will be working like mad this year to get the business off the ground and if I can't do something properly, I'd rather not do it at all.

I'm tempted to do some "work work" but feel I ought to give myself a rest as I just pile into it every week and a break is necessary to keep me fresh.

That's a barrier out of the way

My business partner has had things sorted out now and so that clears the way for us to get cracking and begin to become more "visible" in our business activities.

Funny day today - we are going out to celebrate tonight but I know he is feeling a bit flat although he has no need to be. A bit like I felt getting my last clear, you'd have thought it would be a BIG thing but it isn't somehow.

It is actually great news but we don't get carried away with things at all but I am glad that his ordeal is ended and that he can get back to normal. They were going to postpone until December which would have been a nightmare and wouldn't settle anything. At least some sort of sense has prevailed and this nasty little episode can be put behind and we can move on. We have plenty of things to worry about without any more.

I just had a call from Australia - a lovely lady and a distant relative who is just so nice to talk to. Bless her, she stays up late to call me so it must have been around 2 in the morning when she called. That pleased me. It restores my faith in humans when you speak to someone like that and you realise you have a friend miles and miles away. We have never met but have talked and corresponded and I think I'd love to meet her and spend hours talking about the family and our family history.

Pleased me

Just off to bed and heard that Steve has another clear which is brilliant news indeed. Very pleased for him and brought a smile to my face as for some reason, I always feel for my fellow BC patients.

I had a good day up in London and it was quite a pleasant sunny but bitterly cold day. I popped into the office and I didn't get a great feel for the place - it was nice to say hello but I got out in 10 minutes flat as I didn't like it that much.

Back to working tomorrow and sorting myself out - I need to make an appointment to see the dentist to see how his work is getting along. I know that I still have some tenderness where the root canal work was done but it doesn't hurt me - I just know that it is there sometimes and it feels almost as if it were slightly bruised.

Anyway - it is midnight and I need to get some sleep.

Lunchtime for me - Judgement Day for Steve

I'm alright as I am off to London as Chairman of London Lunchtimers. Steve however, will be going off to his medical centre and being checked with a scan and a flexible cystoscope to see if all is OK.

So as I'm on my way home I imagine Steve will be getting checked out so the very best of luck and good wishes to him. I suppose my next scope has to be in the next 4 to 6 weeks so I'd better watch out for the letter in the post.

I'm just readying myself for a trot back up to London. It is pretty cold outside and it froze last night.

As I said yesterday, it is a strange old week this week, I can[t tell you why, I don't know exactly perhaps I'll find out later.

Jazz Night

Off there tonight and looking forward to another evening out of the house. A has gone off to Edinburgh, L is down in Canterbury having her interview with the University and I'm stuck here wondering what the next bit of work I need to tackle. There's loads of work to do and I'm not concentrating too well at the moment. I'm thinking about my colleague in his tribunal today and for the next few days. It is a stressful thing having done it myself but I don't think he will be as stressed about it as I was. I wasn't particularly well either which didn't help.

It's a funny old week for some reason that I can't put my finger on.

Lads Night Out

It wasn't planned that way - I just wanted to see M and he valued my Dad's stamp collection and like mine and Mrs. F's it really isn't worth what you thought it ought to be worth. Funnily enough it is a good idea to use the "mint" stamps after 1971 to add up to today's postage than to sell them on! How terrible - stuff that isn't even worth face value!

SO there we have it and it appears that other "stuff" isn't worth a whole lot either. Enough to make it worth someone's while to eBay or do something similar with but not for someone who is "in the trade" so to speak. This stuff is worthless although there were a few nuggets in the collection.

I kind of thought this would be the answer and so tonight is disappointing but mainly as I have to tell my mum that this huge collection is worth more in terms of current day postage value than selling it. Disappointing I know.

But that wasn't all really. Of the 4 of us, only I have my father left alive and so tonight was a discussion about the deceased fathers and that was interesting but perhaps a little too much for me.

We are a week early and so will meet up again next week to go for a curry where, I hope, we can get back to a better evening although, having said that, we did have a 30 minute laughing session about old times that nearly made me cry as I was hurting so much laughing at some of our stupid antics of 30+ years ago!

Tomorrow, my business partner is in his Tribunal for the first of a three day hearing. I hope it goes well for him, he deserves to get a ruling in his favour considering the crap he has had to endure. I hope that it all works out well but he will be out of contact for three days (as I was last week) and so I need to spend that time wisely and get some pretty gritty work done, the sort of stuff you need to grit your teeth and get on with, the "frog eating" work as we call it.

I'm pleased to have gotten out of the house tonight but actually didn't get a real opportunity to speak to my friend and then ended up 'sort of' admitting that my experience last week was far from favourable. I surely hope that the spring weather and the new extension cheer my folks up.

The anger really comes from the fact that neither my parents nor my brother have responded to A, whose 21st it is soon, to say whether (or not) they are coming to her party. A bit like my 50th a few years back. I don't expect them to come along but it would be nice if they'd make the effort even to say no - or am I asking too much?

Should I worry? Of course I should, their my family and it hurts like hell, you might as well stick a knife in me. At least Mrs. F's side of the family have always supported the kids. I'm probably a little bit upset and raw about it but at the end of the day, they know we would attend their celebrations travelling hundreds of miles and staying in hotels if needed. You'd have thought that they'd do the same. I'm sure my Mum would but she isn't 'allowed to'

Time for bed and sleep if I can manage it. You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family.

Resonance Indeed

This is a rather interesting article - well it made me think if nothing else.