Late and time for bed

I found today one of those head buzzing days when I appeared not to have done a lot but on reflection found I'd covered lots of ground. It started out with half a morning lost to setting up a new internet connection which is now happily effected and working rather nicely and seems to be working at some speed too. Which is good. All PCs are migrated over and a new PC is on its way to relieve Mrs. F. of using the old Evesham that now requires winding up like an old fashioned gramophone to get it working and then only in slow motion replay mode!

I will spend some time clearing that down and installing the new one early next week and I hope that it will prove to be a good move and that not only will she be able to use a fast computer but also it will network with this PC and I can print from anywhere in the house once again and share files across the back up systems.

It is a bit annoying to say the least that it no longer works seamlessly - hopefully next week.

It sounds as if a friend may have had a relapse - I'm waiting to hear officially what has happened. It terrifies me to think he may have cancer again. He's a lot younger and it just isn't fair is it? Then again, looking around the world today, not a lot is fair. I've just realised that my blog is backed up to the old PC so I'd better back it up to here too just in case I lose it in the transfer. I'd hate to lose this lot.

The trouble with customer service is that

It isn't service is it? Yesterday - or was it Monday - I was told that I needed a new router as we had an old fashioned set top box and that the latest would save us money - so a new router, faster speed and less money - a no brainer!

At 9 am this morning - no internet service - huh? So I go check it all out and yep - no internet service at all, tried everything, did all the testing etc. As luck would have it before I got really angry a man turned up with a box and inside was a new router, cables and everything I needed. I had already pulled out the TV exposing the cabling point etc. I got to work and within 5 minutes all was connected, splitter installed, modem/router connected all lights flashing etc. Good. The instructions said ring up this number and get connected. After listening to the welcome message and going through a series of steps it then said have your account number ready? So I had to stop the call and go find that. Then when I get through they will only speak with the account holder. Finally we get past that then they want a password. So I say - can you see my phone number? Yes well is it from the account? So we eventually do some more stuff and I say that why would I want to power up the modem/router they sent me as if I was someone else. So we go through all of that and finally, it kicks into life and I'm happy, at last, as it works pretty much out of the box and appears to be faster.

I just hope that it is more reliable than the last router. It should be faster and with a bit of luck, next week, when I get the new computer, it will also be networked around the house once more!

Fun - it isn't :-)

Reflections

Tonight I chatted with the chap I had quite an altercation with last year and it's interesting that now his wife has died that he comes along on Monday nights and joins in with us. Bless him he is a bit dotty and a little bit slow on the pick up of the "in jokes" but I never have been an in your face comedian operating as I do on the borders of the pythonesque and have a barbed, surreal and pretty nasty sense of humour.

What's nice is that we have buried the hatchet and there is no animosity about the wee altercation we had. He was at his most engaging this evening and that pleased me as I don't like to have some sort of ongoing feud with the man.

He hadn't realised that I'd had cancer and so we chatted about that and he spoke at length about his wife and the pent up problems he had and so I suggested that he might like to consider writing a journal to get it out of his system. I explained about this blog and how useful it had been to me. Now I feel a little guilty as perhaps I should have been writing it, as an author would do, for their audience but the truth be told, it is for my own use and my own purposes. It's pretty much as I see things day to day. I certainly hope everyone who reads this are better balanced than I am, in better health and have slightly more sanity than I do :-) No really I do. I've been on one hell of a ride this past 5 years - I've had stuff happen to me that just defies logic and has taken me to the highest and lowest ebbs of my life. I'm glad you may be reading this but I do find it terribly self indulgent and perhaps that's why it works for me but may never work as a true cancer blog. I'm off loading on you not actually giving you anything in return.

I found that the most amazing thing these days is the swing between good and bad days, mediocre days and those when you are flying. I'm in a "good place" at the moment. Spring is here, new life and flowers and buds and blossoms everywhere - it's really nice. In July we - or I - or my business partner and I are going to celebrate our 5 year survival - we aren't sure what we are going to do but it will be something....

When I was 50 I survived that by living 1 year beyond diagnosis. I've had an amazing 4 years since. Time to celebrate.

Business is getting closer and closer. We either will or will not progress further with it by July. I feel as close as we have ever been to delivering the plans and so I/We continue to push forward. It's getting really hard now as we do tha last mile but it certainly feels like the right thing to do still and after the best part of 3 hours conference calling today - I sure hope that it is worth it. It's feeling more corporate too. Planned conference calls between us and Europe, meetings and individual calls, trips to hotels and meeting rooms. Perhaps we can just make this happen - I do hope so.

Well it's time for bed and I need to be up and running first thing tomorrow - lots to do and lots of things to discuss and agree, document and improve on.

Blogging Less

I guess that having little to say means that I'm not rushing to the blog and scribbling down once or more a day these days. I suppose we can take from that the lesson that things return to a normal state after a while and I don't suppose I've thought too much about BC in the past few days or thought to blog at all. It was the return of the F1 Grand Prix and I was out most of Saturday. That was nice except for one moment when I got too hot and wanted to flee from the meeting. I've noticed that a lot it's a bit of the claustrophobia and these sorts of "hot flush" events that I get. Generally I feel warmer than I ever did following the treatment (I think) and I don't tend to feel the cold as much but I do feel hot offices and buildings and it was almost unbearable on Saturday. I had it happen in a couple of meetings this year and so I need to be especially careful about it. It even happened a week or so ago at one of our practice meetings. the trouble is that I feel feint and very uncomfortable. I get a little panicky but generally I am able to control it through breathing etc.

I've been having some wild dreams these past weeks. As we begin to pull together the shape and scale of the business we can now see how big it is and how challenging, this triggers off all sorts of new thoughts and ideas and they manifest in dreams and nightmares. These are amazingly clear and the people and their voices are accurate and very real. Of course the situations and landscapes may not be. However, if I remember them, I can tell that they are to do with aspects of the business, areas of concern and they deal with success and failure as well as working on complex ideas and aspects of the business.

At the moment, I'm a bit worried about my health - it was the Census at the weekend and it was amusing that my wife put me down as being in 'Fair' health not 'Good'. I wasn't too sure if I agreed with that but I suppose, given the last 5 years of problems - that would be about as accurate as we can manage. I wonder if I will be around for the next Census in 2021? I need to get back into eating properly and doing some exercise again as I've easily put back on 1/2 stone and need to lose that. I'm blaming the winter. I hope that as it is now getting brighter and warmer that I will start to come out of this quite depressing winter period and get motivated again. I can also start to migrate away from all the heavy winter foods towards some salads again now it is warm enough to have them.

Later this week it will be A's 21st birthday - I can't believe it has been that long - it seems to have flashed by. We will be having a family party this weekend and then A is off to Paris with her boyfriend - that will be nice - I love Paris and at this time of year it is truly magnificent. After Vancouver and Brussels - I wouldn't mind working there again, I enjoyed my times there and whilst sometimes the people can be a bit off (like they can in London) it isn't bad and the centre is full of wonderful historic buildings. She should enjoy that.

Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz

That's my head that is :-) Wow - so many figures and spreadsheets - my eyes are blurry after a day hard at the figures and getting the business plans sorted out.

Hard work but enjoyable as finally we start to see the figures materialising and the whole thing taking some sort of form and gradually taking shape.

It's been a long time and we aren't there yet. It's a bit pareto like and the last 20% is going to take 80% of the effort - but hopefully not the duration. We are getting so close you can taste the cream cakes and coffee :-)

But that's enough for today - my eyes really are glazing over with the concentration of it all. So off to sit and watch the TV I think.

Hard Work

Never hurt anyone. Yesterday was one of those good days when the business turned a massive corner as we populated the business plan and things started to make sense (at last) and things like staff levels became clearer and we started to get a handle on costs and revenues.

Which made the series of dreams last night completely explainable as these were all in the future, building the business, attending meetings, things falling in to place and actually getting somewhere.

Feeling good and just about to get flying into the next sections of my work. It's all starting to come together and not before time :-)

Another

A friend - not a close one - but I've known him for some time and he told me about 18 months ago that he had Lung Cancer but had suffered a series of illnesses along the way died Saturday night. We got an email saying so today and telling us that the funeral details will be out soon.

I think email has helped inform us about such things and to circulate details of the funeral arrangements etc is good. It is a little non-personnel but often we have missed such events in the past as someone forgot to ring etc. It was perhaps though a little unforgivable to copy in the dead person's email address! Then for someone to explain about the deceased's wife's mental state copied to all in a response no matter how well thought it is hardly excusable as the family may well pick up that email.

It's not going to be the last this year unfortunately and there are a few more with equally bad diagnosis. I do hope that the words used and the way that email is handled might be a little more thoughtful from those who act before the think. This is one of those times where a little thought and a check of the email addresses before sending of "their opinion" would have paid dividends.

A good day for me earlier. Met up with an old friend and it looks as if we might be able to do some business together. Fingers Crossed.

Monday

A quiet morning - thank goodness - I've got to drive over to West of London a little later to meet a friend. I haven't seen him for about 4 1/2 years I suppose. He came to see me after my second operation as he was in the country and I couldn't get over to see him.

He is in the UK for a few days and we arranged to meet. It will be nice to see him as he is a really nice guy and it will be interesting to see what he makes of our new business which is actually why I contacted him in the first place.

Having to re-build the team means I can go and talk to people I know well and check out their availability. There is a lot of work to be done in a short space of time and having the right people involved and ones that I know their capabilities will be great.

The measure of this guy is obviously that he came out of his way on a business trip to see how I was and meet up with me. Not many people would have done that. I'm looking forward to meeting up with him again and catching up. Let's hope that our Orbital Motorway (M25) isn't being the outer London Car Park today!

Easy Days

Trying like mad not to be sitting on my computer all weekend as well as all week long. Difficult as there is so much that needs to be done and spare time seems wasted time somehow. However, I know better than that and need to make myself rest. I did so yesterday with the Rugby - all three games in one day - it was a marathon event but I managed it with a few beers to assist to keep my attention.

The sun has made a big difference although, unless you are in it, you'd still be forgiven for thinking it was winter. The Frogs have spawned in the pond, the washing machine has gone wrong and I've had to clear out the waste pipes in case it is that which has caused said washing machine issues. At least the pipes are now de-furred and that potential is gone.

Have retreated to the dining room and my PC for a moment as Mrs. F. isn't in the best of moods and it's always worth getting out of the way rather than trying to apply logic or reason to why the washing machined isn't working.

I have a few chores to do now and then I will retreat into the living room. It was meant to be the opening Grand Prix of the year in Bahrain today but as you can imagine, that won't happen. The Qatar Moto GP is however on and live coverage starts in an hour or so - I will be watching that with interest.

My Goodness - The Sun

Has come out it feels like for the first time this year - clear blue skies, warm, daffodils crocus and buds - suddenly everything looks a lot better - it seems to have been a dark, grey and thoroughly depressing winter this year and maybe this will start to lift our spirits a bit. Hard times for many at the moment and austerity measures are about to bite with the budget due this coming week we can only imagine what other burdens will be put on us to repay the debts the country has racked up.

The world seems to be in a bit of turmoil at the moment but - hey - we've got a Royal Wedding in a month or so that should be fun - I don't want to be called out at midnight to go fix things in London trying to get through the crowds and park the car and sort out some software glitch at a customer's premises!!! What a nightmare that night was!

I keep forgetting I've had some interesting times in the past - that was another one of those things you take for granted but was actually an amazing time.

Let's hope the sun stays out for enough time to warm us all up and lift the depression of the past 4 or 5 months.

The Cancer Bond

By which I mean the immediate empathy you have when anyone you know tells you they have Cancer. Straight away you are in the zone and don't need to go through the awkward questions to start with you can get straight into the conversation about what you've got and what stage and what treatment and how do you feel etc.

Suddenly you are sharing diagnosis, treatments, tiredness, head issues and the lot. Mind you it is a bit difficult when you find out that they are terminal or things "don't look good". That's still a difficult one to talk conversationally about because what exactly do you say? It is all twee and it doesn't matter as they are coming to terms with mortality and you aren't and have no idea what that is like other than the initial stages of the disease when you thought that it was going to happen to you.

It's as difficult to talk to someone who is dying even though we share the Cancer brother/sister hood of this most awful of diseases. There are three people I know who are now on the run down and I find it more and more difficult to find something worthwhile to say to them that doesn't sound as if I'm about to say something like how lucky am I that I am not you (that sounds horrible but you can understand why you'd think it).

Perhaps I need to confront my demons again and see if I can't work out a way to do this. I just feel acutely aware of how lucky I am not to be in the same situation as them and I can't put myself in their shoes as I don't want to go back to that dark place again. It played on my mind and it was a dark and horrible time. Self preservation kicks in, I'm prepared to talk about Cancer and discuss the treatments and side effects and all that but not the inevitable outcome of some sufferers who have the worst prognosis. Hopefully I'm not a bad person for that - it makes me feel a fraud sometimes that I cannot face it but in reality I know very few people who can.

Resigned Feeling

I have that today. Last night I was a bit put out as there was an announcement that didn't make sense. Suddenly all the rules got changed and a number of us were left asking the question, what do we have to do to be recognised and be rewarded. It really doesn't matter too much what I'm rattling on about at the moment other than to say that someone got promoted and no one understands why he should be preferred over a number of us. It's not the person, I know him and he's a good chap etc but he's hardly done the years or the input to achieve such a promotion so soon. What has happened just de motivates and cheapens the whole thing so I'm now just going to do what I do and not put myself out or volunteer to do any more than I currently do now. It's not worth it. It's a shame but by devaluing the whole process this way, a huge number of people were left disappointed because we quickly realised that the goal posts have moved.

I will just back away from all the stuff I do and spend a bit more time dedicated to myself. When it is all going one way like it is now, then you may as well go back to looking after yourself.

House full of sick people

L has been ill since Saturday, A has just gone down with it, Mrs. F. has been up to the Doctors for a stomach complaint too. Me - I feel this bad ALL the time :-)

I've had a silly cough for weeks now and it was only that it was mentioned tonight that I thought about it. Better get that checked out if it is still with me next week!

Been a good day in a way we spent time on the business and realised how utterly complicated it was :-) No bad thing so we simplified it and we decided on a set of actions to try and rationalise the financial plan to make it less cumbersome. We are getting to the exciting, nervous, doubting, worrying, don't believe it bit in the process where the finances and plans all come together and start to make some sense. Well they would do if it wasn't for the scale of the ambition and the scale of the problem we are tackling. It's all good fun though and will keep us busy for the next 2 months I reckon. We will probably have to consider that we will have taken a whole year to actually get this far but the amount of work we have put in is commensurate with the amount of money we need to build the business.

I hope that everyone in the house feels a bit better tomorrow than they have today. I don't want to be ill as it is one of those pleasant evenings coming up tomorrow where we get to sit down for dinner with about 300 others for our Officers' Mess. I can get there by bus and so have a drink or two and Mrs. F. (if she is fit enough) can come and pick me up later.

So It's OK to have doubts

In everything, it's OK to doubt yourself and I found that it is the same in business and in sickness and in many things. I do find that I doubt myself perhaps a lot more than I used to. It is a good thing although it can also be disruptive. I think I used to have few if any doubts before bladder cancer, I steamed along and was pretty confident, very much knew what I wanted to achieve and how I was going to get there. I was pretty much the self made man, successful and a little arrogant - which I needed to be to do my job. Probably am still a bit arrogant I guess but nowhere near like I was before and as I've suggested before, Cancer rips away so much of your self esteem and confidence.

So the weekend was awfully tragic with the Japanese earthquake thing happening to which I heard today one of my friend's was involved in but they are OK and travelling back to the UK today.

It was nice to get out to our Lodge meeting on Saturday and get involved in that. We had a good time and met up with some guys we haven't seen for a long time.

It was after that when I started having one of my doubting moments. Basically I was questioning the sheer audacity of our business plans. It is a plan of major scale and ambition and, we feel, well supported by three years work (part time) and getting close to 9 months work full time. That's just to get the business plan together to start up not to go to production!

These doubts are good. Why? Well they make us question ourselves constantly. Are we barking mad? Have we thought it through? Does it make sense? If you don't doubt yourself and just blindly blunder on I'm certain you'd come a cropper. At least by constantly testing ourselves and having these doubts we are keeping things sane and ensuring we are fully prepared to review, make changes and move on. Things just have to be right and checking like this ensures it is. Of course, it isn't nice to keep doubting but if it plays its part in making sure we have covered everything then perhaps it is worth it.

Poor Japan

How awful, I woke to see the news and just felt sick in my stomach to see the tragic consequences of the Earthquake and Tsunami unfolding in real time.

Perhaps we should all learn something from that and those scenes. I saw a car running ahead of the waters but it looked to me as if it eventually had to succumb. Just one of many thousands of tragedies this day.

A meeting in London today broke the mood and I met up with a very old friend which was great. Unfortunately he had to work and so the meeting was short but I do hope that we will get him to join us in our venture, he can bring so much to the party.

I'm feeling a lot better at the end of the week than I was at the beginning so I ought to be thankful for that.

Even Better Today

Gradually improving situation brought about through the realisation that we are more advanced than we thought we were, we have achieved a lot despite all set backs and that we thoroughly researched our business.

Had a good day today and also a good night out with some colleagues - a nice beer and a Chinese meal - which was excellent, as always, and reasonably priced too. It's still difficult getting these guys to commit. Frankly I'm not surprised as we don't have any funding yet and so to ask young guys with commitments at home - young families too - to come along with us will obviously be one hell of an ask. such is the life of a start up business. No money and no people. When we get the money we can get the people but it's all a risk and you can see that these days, no one wants to take the risk despite what rewards may be there in the fullness of time.

Lots of people despise those who build businesses and yet, if they knew the half of how downright difficult it was, would give up at the first sign of hard work.

Better today

A lot better thank goodness. A night out with friends appears to have done wonders and a day steadily persevering through my workload also helped - as did an extra hour in bed I gave myself this morning.

Later today - as it is past midnight - my business partner will be here. We will have an interesting time as we surely are entering the end game and we are on the last lap. Of course there is a possibility that the 5% remaining will take 95% of the effort but, what the heck, let's get on and tackle it.

I do need to do some serious soul searching though and I need to try and relinquish doing so much. It was fine for a while and even the last 5 years I haven't really given up that much in terms of the things I do. I've back seated the family history for a while. I suppose that it is pretty good that I have done so as I used to spend at least a day a week on it at peak and one year (2001) spent 6 months doing it. Hence I have a 700 page family history web site. Mind you I haven't been able to do much with it these past 10 years - I think I updated it in 2003 and that was the last time. I keep the records straight and that's about all these days.

I still could drop off more things. I really find it a struggle to do the accounts for the Lodges but I'll do them, it just takes away more of the little leisure time I do have.

If the business takes off then I'm going to have little enough time to do things I want to do. Building the business will be full on. Of course, if we don't get any interested investors then plan b will have to kick in whatever plan b might be :-)

Maybe its that thought that makes the next few months interesting but is probably bringing me up short. It's fair enough to doubt yourself, we all do it. It's understanding what it is that's making you doubt that for me is difficult. It appears to me that you never actually "get over" your cancer. You can never just park it and carry on, it sticks around like a perpetual shadow following you wherever you go and even if you haven't thought about things for a while, every now and then you'll catch a glimpse of it haunting you and bringing you back to where you don't want to be ever again but where you know, with BC, you just might be.

After a Curry

The world seems to be OK. Again, all my firends there all talking about their deceased fathers and of course my dad is very much alive. I kind of lived with that.

A nice curry - very nice indeed, my local curry restaurant does a very respectable curry and I had the Lamb sautéed in Sambucca. Mmmmm.

We did the usual rounds of jokes and had a good deal of fun but somehow, I'm still not 100% me at the moment. I do my best, we had a good time but I was below my usual effervescent self.

I'm thinking that it is definitely the "end game" that is making me like this and that we (collectively) have moved on and transitioned in this last week. It's all real now, very real - that's frightening and not a place that's nice to go to - a big challenge but also a test of our mettle. I just need to convince myself that I am up to the job. I doubt myself too much, too often and I know I can do this. Let's face it, this is a walk in the park compared to what's happened to me in the past 5 years!

Stil not much better

Got a mountain of work to get through and I guess losing half the team isn't actually helping - not that they actually did that much. Seeing it stretched out before us is a bit daunting and perhaps that's part of this quite depressive mood I'm in.

It is what it is though and I just need to get on and do it. Perhaps I'll cheer myself up with my mates later. That normally does the trick.

This isn't a good place at the moment

I cannot put my finger on what it is at all. I'm just not in a good place at all at the moment. I feel lethargic, slow, stressed (but not to breaking point) and generally out of salts. It's just bizarre as it has only kicked in these past few days.

It's almost as if I know something is about to happen and yet I don't want it to. Something coming down the line that will affect the way the rest of the years will pan out.

Whatever it is, I do hope I shake it off before tonight. I'm out with some friends (all my old school chums + 1) for a curry and I want to be on better form for that. I'll probably rise to the occasion - I managed to last night when we were out.

I hope I get out of here soon, I feel pretty down and depressed at the moment and cannot for the life of me understand quite what has brought it about. Perhaps it is that we are getting near to an event that could shake up my world and perhaps, deep inside, I just don't want to be there or perhaps I'm worried about going there, which is strange really considering that's what I want. Maybe there are some worries about what that will mean to my family, my friends and ultimately to me?