It's Turning Out to be a BAD Year Already!

Another death which surprised me greatly - as I wasn't expecting this one. I'd had a bit of a "to do" with him last year and was quite surprised about the way he treated me and it was all over nothing as far as I was concerned but just a bizarre incident where he owed some money to the Lodge and was a bit put out that I asked for it. So we had a few letters cross in the post and a few chats - but I was very concerned as it wasn't like him and I voiced concerns about his behaviour last year thinking that he was "losing it".

It appears that he probably found out, about that time that he had Lung Cancer and that's possibly why I got an ear full from him at the time and if you are going to lash out then the nearest person will do.

This is the second death in the Lodge this week and the third in 3 weeks. Added to the other stuff that has gone on with deaths in families and all-sorts it has made for a pretty bad start to 2011. I suppose we will get to hear some more at the meeting tomorrow. As Treasurer it answers some questions around what's been going on as it appears that the person I informed was sworn to secrecy and so couldn't tell me what was going on.

Ewwwwww Yuk

Having a slow old day today, hard to get going and the work I am doing is gutty and repetitive and I have to alter three documents at once so they all reflect the changes :-)

I just can't get enthused about it at all and so time is dragging and I'm getting easily distracted - like writing this blog entry!

It doesn't help that my tinnitus is very bad at the moment - I have a lot of noise in my ears that I cannot get rid of. Using loud music isn't helping as I'm losing concentration.

Oh well - it isn't going to get done without me struggling on through :-(

A Nice Evening Out

It's nice to get out with some friends for a beer (or three) and a curry. We had a great evening and had some real laughs. I like being the "surreal" comedian and it was al going well and all was funny and someone on the next table piped up and it was a friend of mine - so that got things going even better.

I then found a note to this fantastic clip. you need to go full screen and full HD if you can as it really is superb - my 18.4" screen HD and surround sound does it justice.

I hope that you like it - it has a sound track from Ludovico Euinadi - it's really nice - I hope you agree.

The Mountain from Terje Sorgjerd on Vimeo.

The Power of Nothingness

Nothingness - if that is a word is what I sometimes feel myself having the power of. Nothing, nada, zip. It's a feeling of helplessness for my fellow patients and human beings. I see suffering and I can do nothing about it, I'm too far away or unable to effect an outcome or make things better, give huge amounts of money or do anything else like it.

I desperately don't want to appear to be a selfish person and yet, I think perhaps I ought to turn into someone who is as I haven't got the time or the ability to help. I can say words, do small actions but that is it. In the great scheme of things I can only affect those around me and over which I have some control. I see people all over the place who are suffering their own problems and feel bad about it.

I should, of course, know better than that - and I do. It's the guilt of being unable to do anything that's so annoying. A lot of these people I don't even know and I still feel bad. It's a strange emotion I have to say.

I just need to concentrate on myself a little bit more, I heard myself worrying about someone else today and was "politely told" that I had done my bit and it was all that was needed, I couldn't continue to try and alter things if that person didn't want to reciprocate.

So I must try harder to be harder on myself and to accept that whilst it is admirable to want to help everyone, in reality that just isn't ever going to happen.

Whilst I am thinking like this let's have some thoughts and prayers for this lady who needs to undergo some more treatment this week. She's been battling away for a long time and recording it in her blog.

Living Life Outside of the Circle

I consider myself to be a bit aloof and slightly outside of the normal. I've always been like that so it doesn't particularly bug me and yet, I do consider that since Bladder Cancer I have moved further outside of the normal.

It's just a feeling these days that I revolve around in my own circle which exists outside of everyone else's circle. My relationships are more remote. Gentler but more remote and that's just one of those things I guess. Life changed immeasurably of course, as it would and so this just to be expected I guess.

No one here's got post traumatic stress or other complaint - things have just - well - just changed and whilst there's lots of positives, there are also the downright obvious outcomes and many of these include this being outside of the group, not one of the team, not one of the family and yet at the same time it's not being brushed off or ignored it's being just outside the circle.

It's an observation and it isn't deeply troubling or worrying and yet I realise it is there. I'm not sure I want to go back to the way it was before - I doubt it would work and it's important to move forward. The issue really is that my life has changed massively, no one has changed with me, I've just got to get on and make the most of it. I have work to keep me occupied - I just hope that something comes of it - it's been almost a year now of quite hard slog - but we are getting nearer the end game - so I hope that it will perhaps give me some other diversion.

Funny Old Week

I've been exceedingly angry this week. There's some serious stuff going down in the world and right across the board there is upheaval and disquiet. There's a lot that we aren't being told but what do our news editors give us? A slurry of celebrities who have some sort of problems. Quite how you can turn bipolar overnight and then manage to go on to make two films is still beyond me and quite how these super rich people live their lives isn't in the slightest interest to me. Somehow it is news? Thousands of people dead in Japan but we hardly hear about their plight - it's off the radar now yet some actor gets a mention before some of the important news.

So, perhaps - I'll get that out of my system. I see that I'll have to go elsewhere for my news and information so as not to get my head stuck full of bollocks and mush pedalled as news!

I'm looking forward to the weekend - another Grand Prix and I've managed to break the back of a particularly gutty piece of work that should almost complete the planning work for the business. My Business partner is back from training and we will get heads together next week and then I hope that we will have a few visits out to meet people and get some traction in terms of building the business. Of course - it will be chaos in London what with the Wedding and Easter etc. So many holidays in just a short period of time are going to be disruptive. Then in early May I have the normal week from hell when I have wall-to-wall meetings.

In all of this angst and bother I note that I haven't heard from the Hospital about being seen for a scope - I suppose I had better drop them a line if I haven't heard soon? It would be good to get that out of the way ASAP so I can have a clear summer.

Still Ranting

You can't believe the space they give over in the news - and the BBC are getting worse at it, to so called celebrities as if it is national news. Things like earthquakes, politics, things happening around the world, wars, that sort of thing. Now we get some irritating celebrity getting a 2 minutes slot plus a panel of experts to discuss how traumatised she must be. Sheeeesh!

The whole world is bloody crazy and falling into a spin doctor world where we will be reporting on some actor or actress having a sodding headache or a bad tooth. These people DO NOT matter, they are there to entertain us, they get very, very, very handsomely paid to do so and they live a great life, they have people to do everything for them down to wiping their arses I don't doubt. Bit they aren't news, they aren't intelligentsia, they aren't professors, presidents and prime minister, they have opinions but they don't make policy. These days they are held up as icons and somehow everyone's bought into the bollocks that is celebrity.

Well it makes me mad (as you can tell). I'm trying to find any reasons left why I should watch the BBC which was at one time the best, most balanced reporting you could find, now days they just make it up and don't even verify their stories sometimes relying on hearsay and then having to track back.

Anyway - the space given over to some people online and on TV just makes you wonder if there isn't any news out in the wide world - I might as well go and buy Hello magazine and get all my important news from there.

What - you really have to be joking - Mr. Angry Rant

This is a RANT - I find this rot and bunkum absolutely offensive and the worst sort of self publicity possible. Amazingly it even upstaged the problems in Japan, Iran and Libya!

Have a look at this LINK

Now you tell me what is wrong with it? Let's look at it a bit shall we?

"Catherine Zeta Jones has received treatment for bipolar disorder after dealing with the stress of her husband's battle with throat cancer." Really?

I was quite shocked and went to have a word with Mrs. F. about it and she isn't traumatised or any such thing. Mind you she isn't looking to resurrect her career and her publicist hasn't told her that her name hasn't been in my blog for at least 30 milliseconds.

It gets worse - no believe me - you'd best go get the sick bag now...

"Zeta Jones's publicist Cece Yorke said the actress sought treatment for the condition following the stress of her husband's cancer fight."

"After dealing with the stress of the past year, Catherine made the decision to check in to a mental health facility for a brief stay to treat her bipolar II disorder," said Yorke."

"She's feeling great and looking forward to starting work this week on her two upcoming films."

Well how f*****g sad is that exactly - I guess all those millions you'll get from them will help sort it out for you - get a grip woman!

GET REAL - all the really distressed people who find that they have no income because of cancer and the real distress of meaning their kids go without basics, who can't afford medical (I'm looking outside the UK here folks) and who fall down the poverty trap - yes - I can fully understand that it would screw your mind and that the stress would get you. These poor sods have no money, nowhere to turn to, no bloody leach PR consultants and spin doctors - they've got to get on with life and all the shit, muck and bullets thrown at them. Someone once said that they know what is wrong with these people and that is that they have a very high opinion of themselves and they don't realise that all they actually are - are actors and people of passing interest. They aren't as important as they think they are and they surely must be pretty stupid to believe that they can actually hold an opinion on anything as they haven't got the balls to get out of their cosseted artificial, vacuous self centred existence and actually do something about it. They are full of hurt and wish to be considered one of the people suffering like we do?

5 minutes alone with anyone of them - please - just let me have my 5 minutes whilst I explain what way up really is.

For MD and CZJ - let's think about how bad it could have got for them? Yea right, nanny may needed to look after the kids a few more hours. Specialist doctors on hand, no waiting in queues and all that. Treatment immediately, private rooms, top oncologist, chauffeured service, nurse at home 24/7. My god it must have rattled her brain to have had to have all those specialists in a one-to-one situation when the rest of us plebs have to take the 5 minutes session, bang them in pile them up sessions we have in our quest to get diagnosed and treated. Stop whining and get on doing what you are meant to be good at, being screen dressing for good actors FFS!

I find it downright offensive reading this utter crap. If you're that ill surely you can't go on a film set.

Grrrrrr - Flame - arggggh!!!!

The utter bollocks these people of notoriety come out with goes beyond the pale. Thank god she's Welsh at least we don't have to say she comes from England. I'm so pleased that she has decided to live in the US at least we wont have her joining in with all the ne'er-do-wells and bleaters in the UK - you have our permission to banish her to some other distant country too.

MMmmm - I feel a hell of a lot better after that rant.

It's all about life

I notice that these days - it's all about life, not bladder cancer at all. That may mean nothing to you at all but it might just suggest that there's life after all the worry, depression, treatment, appointments, pain, grunge, waiting, gobbledegook words from doctors, tests, waiting, diagnosis, ups and downs. After a while these things fade away and you just - well - get on with it.

I'm just living again now and getting used to it. Sure I have a completely different temperament and attitude (some would say it is good!) and a different outlook and demeanour. I'm really focussing in on rebuilding and my new business has at its heart a desire to make changes in people's lives - good changes - that's important now.

I've taken a step away from being a victim. I've been through all of that and suddenly, I'm getting my life back. It isn't all plain sailing of course. I have to rebuild relationships, have to accept that some of them will never be rebuilt. I have to get on with things now and stop being the one all this happened to. That's behind me now and I now try to move on each day.

When you've got your life back - it needs you to do something with it. I've got to reinvent myself, I have to get my strength back (you can't believe how much of that mental and physical strength has been depleted). Additionally, you have to stop looking at yourself and your problems and lift your eyes upwards to some new challenges and to set goals that will allow you to conquer your fears, follow your dreams and go forward once more to get on with your life.

This blog has turned from being about bladder cancer and all that went with it to the fallout I still have but more importantly to begin to realise that there are other things out there that need to be tackled and that I can use my experience to bring to bear to solve problems and to help others. High ideals - that's what you should be left with post Bladder Cancer. Targets to strive to achieve, goals and objectives to meet but, more important than all of that is having purpose and to use my skills and experience to change other people's lives. That's what I now strive to achieve and I hope that the business we want to build might attract sufficient funding to allow me to achieve that vision.

Meet the boyfriend

Not mine - my youngest daughter's new young man - well her first as far as I know. Bless him, he is about 6' 5" or 6" I guess and just fits under our door frames. He seems a nice enough young man and so I'm pretty OK with that. A - apart from her first boyfriend - "who brought the vacuum cleaner" was my first reaction to him has had nice young men and now L appears to have met a nice one too. Let's hope so, he certainly appears to have the same sense of humour and interests so I hope they get on well. Shame they are so far apart geographically. He is here for a couple of days and let's see how that goes.

Had a boozy old day today - met a friend who has finally got a job - after a year - I forgot that he drinks but doesn't eat at the same time so I got home absolutely starving and with quite a few beers on board. Luckily I had a 30 minute nap and was able to pull myself together to go out tonight and ended up having a few more beers there too!

I am also out tomorrow and Wednesday. At least tomorrow I am not drinking - I'll be driving so wont touch any.

Wednesday I'll be having a meal and a few glasses of wine. Hopefully that will be the lot for the weekend.

My friend who had the cancer scare became a father yesterday which is fabulous news. Now there are two things to be delighted about for him and his wife. As I said to him - welcome to the land of the poor. As A used to have on her Tee-Shirt "I can spend money faster than you can earn it!" I have no doubt that this remains true to this day.

Weekend

Well it was a good weekend and so much happened. I cam down early Sunday morning to watch the Grand Prix -opened the living room door and there were at least two people sleeping on the floor! So I had to creep back out and watch the begining of the GP on my laptop! I had already had a distrubed night - I'd gone to bed at just gone one - no one was sleeping in the living room then after having seen that the party stuff was cleared up, the doors were locked etc. at 5:20 all I could hear was an alarm which was one of the other house guests - who had forgotten to turn it off.

A had her fancy dress party and all was well. Tomorrow she is off early to go to Paris - I'm sure she will have a lovely time - one of my favourite cities but I also worked there too and so have fond memories of my times there.

I couldn't tell you where the weekend went to its been a spots fest with the GP, Masters Golf and the Paris Roubaix cycling, plus there was the Grand National on Saturday. I don't "do" horse racing at all - I don't really get it. Two horses had to be put down this time! Sport of Kings? Perhaps. I only remember it because my step grandfather died after watching it one year. He had watched the boat race in the morning and the Grand National in the afternoon and passed away peacefully in his chair with the TV still playing just after the race. I have no idea if his horse won or not.

I even squeezed in a few hours work - I was up for doing some yesterday - but in reality I must give over the weekend to myself - I work non stop during the week. This week, however, I intend to take a little easier as I want to consolidate the work of the last month rather than generate new stuff.

Things move on - it's getting exciting now and I hope that we will be getting close to finalising the proposition and moving towards the next phase.

It's Friday Night

Apart from a few hellos and how's your day been - no one has deemed to talk to me tonight so I'm in a house where everyone has gone to bed and not said goodnight and they've left the lights on and everything so I've gone around and sorted that out but - WTF?

I struggle sometimes that everyone's disappeared off to remote areas of the house and they've all locked themselves away in their rooms and that's Friday night done with. It's pretty bad anyway with teenagers and students living in the house - you're lucky to get any noise out of them. Oh well, I shall engage pissed off me mode in the morning and see how they like that?

Perhaps I shouldn't be so sensitive - I imagine a lot of people get it in the neck all the time and here's me saying no one talks to me - maybe I should be pleased about it. However, it's a lonely furrow working day in day out on the business plans and I've no major outlets during the day except my business partner's and my daily conference call.

Ho hum!

Another Cancer Buddy Succumbs

I spoke to him in January / February - he had Colon Cancer but was having all sorts of trouble with platelets and had some transfusions etc. They then diagnosed Leukaemia and unfortunately he died yesterday in a Hospice.

That's pretty tragic as he hadn't long been retired and moved away about 2 years ago. It is very sad and he was a nice guy - I enjoyed his company on many occasions - he was certainly a funny guy and we had a good chat about our experiences with cancer and how tired it made you etc.

Oh dear. I find that my week draws to a close and I have a few minutes left to work and so I decided to just go and grab a beer from the fridge (well as I work at home I can do that!). It has been a hard but very satisfying week and a lot has happened and the business has leapt forward and made real progress which is great. So a beer is a nice reward for a week hard at it.

Of missing emails and merged accounts

So that's what my ISP did!! Merged my account with Mrs. Fs account!!! So they merged our data so that our birthdays and logon details changed!!! You cannot believe it sometimes. Once we'd sorted that the emails for days came flooding in and then locked out for a few hours and are now back working!

Anyway - thanks to my ISP for losing me another 4 or 5 hours of my life! Gits.

Great news on my friend - the lump was benign and he is having antibiotics to sort that out. It all floods back when you think you have a recurrence. I can't even tell you what it is like. If you've never had cancer the initial diagnosis is utterly devastating but you don't know what you are letting yourself in for. Once you've been through all of the treatment and recovery you come out the other side and if you are like me - you forget or conveniently put in to the back of your mind all those experiences.

Now, don't get me wrong, its part of the journey, sometime the treatment feels worse than having the cancer. However, when you get a recurrence the whole lot flashes back into your field of vision again. It makes me feel ill just thinking about it as I did when i got my friend's email earlier.

That's why you should always go for your check ups as they can find stuff and do something straight away with it.

Which reminds me - my check up is due this month sometime!

Phew what a day

It didn't seem that busy but goodness how far we've come in a short time with the business. We finalised the main financial plan today which allows all the plans to be derived from a master set of data.

My plans need some more work as mine feed in to a later overall picture. We have to really step up the pressure once again as it is a funny old month what with Easter being late and the Royal Wedding and days off here there and everywhere in the coming weeks!

At least I have a plan to get on with for the next couple of weeks but my mind is spinning after doing figure work all day.

Well

My friend didn't turn up tonight but I heard he had an operation to remove a growth in his sinus and so is awaiting the outcome of the tests on that. He went through some pretty shitty treatment last time resulting in having his face opened up and the cancer removed. He's a lovely lad and just about to become a father. You know where I'm going with this I'm sure. Why is it that those who do good, work hard, about to bring up a family and all the responsibility that entails have these problems. It's just unfair.

Unfair - that's the word. If there were any justice in the world it wouldn't be him. If you were to sit in judgement and look around the evil things people do you'd sort of want them to suffer and be chosen but somehow it just doesn't seem to happen to them. Sometimes this life is cruel and nonsensical, illogical and just downright upsetting. I'm probably too close to it and not being balanced about it but it does seem to be an unfair distribution and you see tragic cases and it just doesn't make sense.

I said some time ago that I was struggling with why I was "spared" and in some way, I've had a real change in my life these past 5 years. I've spent 2 years working for a charity and now I'm doing something that - if it is successful - may well open up opportunity to all through equal access to the internet. That would be something worthwhile to come out of it. Chosen? Not sure, empathetic to those who lose out - you bet. I'm enjoying the journey a lot although it is getting near to crunch time and we will see if we are barking mad or actually have a good idea.

So What Do You Make of This Song?

I've been listening to Clare Maguire for a few weeks now - she has a superb voice very reminiscent of Alison Moyet and sometimes Kate Bush like too.

She sings a version of Antony and the Johnsons "Hope There's Someone" which is a particularly poignant song as it was playing as I went to have my first operation and the words resonate with me now. I've just listened to "This is Not the End" - here are the lyrics:

"This Is Not The End"

If it be your will to speak
Of memories we often shared
Talk to me of days gone by
Think of love and not despair

And when I’m gone
We’ll meet again
As often do the closest friends
So dry your eyes
And lay me down
I tell you this is not the end

And if someone else
Must take my place
For I’ll be gone the longest time
I’ll wait and I will understand
A heart of thorns must
Leave the mind

But when in time I see your face
The scars will fade
The heart will mend
So dry your eyes
And lay me down
I tell you this is not the end

And from today I wish you joy
From this day I wish you peace
I hope that life will pass you by
As softly as the falling leaves

And when your heart is full again
Raise a glass for me my friend
And dry your eyes
And lay me down
I tell you this is not the end
Oh dry your eyes
And lay me down
I tell you this is not the end

It's fantastic - great lyrics but it always makes me feel very melancholic and sad.

Great Party

Not sure about waking up at 1:30 in the morning asleep in my chair though :-) So A is 21 today and it is Mother's Day too. We had a great party on Saturday and the food went down well and we had enough booze - I'm always worried in case we run out. We don't drink as much as most people although I do like a beer - I don''t actually tend to drink much at home and so we have limited supplies.

Anyway - apparently there is another party next week and that means we are having a marquee erected in the back garden. As friends aren't so bad, Ls friends are younger, a little more brash and a little less 'nice' - but we aren't having her party here so I'm not too worried and the place where we are going has bouncers so they'd better behave themselves - or else :-)

Hopefully we get the new PC tomorrow and I can retire the old PC/Server. I'm just cleaning it up and it can go to a good home for the Samaritans who can refurb and reuse it for their work. With a new PC I am hoping that it wont need the constant attention needed to keep it going especially as it really is too old to handle new programmes and software.

Made it

To As 21st Birthday - well if I last until Sunday that is! Tomorrow is preparation day and Saturday we are having a party with friends and family. I am really looking forward to that and I hope she has a great day. Twenty-one years - it hardly seems possible that it has been that long but it has.

I am now pleased that I'm here to see it - at one time that felt like it may not happen and I was cut up about "not being there" for the kids. They are no longer kids and I guess that they'd be able to function quite well without me given their ages of 21 and 18.

In a way, I feel very happy and I'm looking forward to a party and having people around. I miss the old days. Somehow, we don't have people around anymore and we don't go many places. Either I'm not up for it or Mrs. F. isn't. I have made it a policy to try and do more this year and I'm not working too much tomorrow as I want to do the cooking for Saturday and preparation work. I want As party to go off with a bang.

I'm quite pleased about one thing though. Since getting the new router installed I've actually been able to get the computers all networked - or it seems to have. Of course now I've got a new PC arriving on Monday to replace the big household server but that should be fine - I hope that it will improve things all round. I've been backing up that machine - as I am now back in my real office next door to it. Hopefully that will be easy enough to sort out on Monday when it arrives. Of course - these things always take a lot longer than they should with all the messing about.

Somehow I have to move all my old emails from that machine to another one. Not easy but I guess I'll manage it. I have just realised that I haven't really looked at many of these since Christmas time so I had better catch up with them and get them moved ASAP.

Feeling OK and in a happy place at the moment but getting worried about my friend as I haven't heard anything yet.

Time to ramp down

And take my equipment out of my temporary office downstairs in the dining room and transport it back to me real office upstairs. It is As 21st Birthday party on Saturday and we are going to spend the day (Friday) cleaning the house and getting ready. It looks as if I will be doing some cooking tomorrow which will be nice.

I've moved most things excepting the PC up now and it looks a bit bare down here :-)

The business stuff is getting gutty and hard as we try and find examples of what businesses have allowed for various parts of their infrastructure and staffing, insurance, utility bills etc. So far it has been pretty difficult to find enough evidence to put in our business plans but gradually we are finding things. Sometimes, even with the internet, you just cannot find stuff.

I'm hoping that we should soon be able to nail down the business plans - I've just done two pieces of work that have frightened the daylights out of me and the financial investments look incredible but they returns look to be worthwhile. Now to complete the maths and go find an investor or two :-)

Feeling a little tired but will be having a celebratory weekend with A for her 21st Birthday and lots of people coming over so that will be nice. Looking forward to it.