24th May at 10:30 which is good - gets it out of the way - I was going to go for the 20th but I have a meeting the next day and wanted to make sure I could go just in case something happened.
They are pretty good at getting back to me and giving me flexibility of dates. Will have to see how it goes this time and let's hope that it is a clear and lets me move to a six month routine...
Glad it is sorted though - I should have had it done by now.
What a long old day that was - home at 09:30 pm thanks to Mrs. F. who came and picked me up.
Missed out on lunch so ended up grabbing a burger at the Hotel - which was pricey but I needed something. I walked from Charing Cross to Holborn and then from Holborn to Baker Street and did a little circuit around Marylebone where I used to work. Then we had a good couple of hours meeting and I wound my way home - very good meeting and another early tomorrow. This week is going to be full on in terms of work and play being out again all day Wednesday and most of Thursday.
I'm feeling OK about that and I also need to get back to working on my weight again which with this sedentary lifestyle has started to come on again. Not sure how far I walked today but I'd guess around 5 miles including the walk to the station at this end. It was a lovely day though and walking through London and around some of the back streets of the the West End is a very pleasant way to spend the day.
I've just dropped a reminder off to the Hospital to see when they want to see me for a peek and a poke. It's strange - I don't look forward to it but at the same time - getting the reassurance or not as the case maybe is also important as I tend to think any ailment I have these days is potentially cancer. That's a bit of the territory I guess.
I'm feeling charged though right now - really exciting times, people are talking to us now about what we are doing and we are getting some impetus and some traction. We have a team being built which is good and we need to move things on a bit in the next few weeks. I feel a blitz like state coming on for a month or two to get us shifting along.
I have often mentioned that the one highly notable result of having had cancer is this propensity to have highly emotional reactions to a number of situations. I find myself keeping in check a lot. For an example, I've cited the Bambi moment before as bringing me close to breaking down and stupid things seem to do this to me but here are two moments, quite far apart where I had to try hard to control myself.
The film "The Passion of the Christ" I watched for the first time last week - it was the most devastating portrayal of the Passion I have ever seen and stirred huge emotions. If you've seen it, then you probably felt the same? The scourging was absolutely awful and for once - and I don't know how he did it, it felt like you were not watching but you were sharing the pain. It was late a night I was on my own, I was moved and I was in bits. Films do this to me if I am into them and I think it was very much the shock of this film. However, I can be like this with Amelie, Schindler's List and many other films. So what you may say?
Then there's stuff like the Royal Wedding. I didn't watch it as I found myself moved by that too. It wasn't just the ceremony it was the people who were out in force and it was because they were engaged in something special, it was a moving time for them and special.
And here's the problem - it's about the experience, the moment and the enjoyment, its about the tragedy and the moment, and the time and the humanity of it and its about something I no longer have but have great empathy with. I came so close to losing it all that seeing others less fortunate than myself or losing upsets me, seeing a recurrence is also a set back, seeing people enjoy themselves and enjoy a moment, share an experience is also important as what is survival all about if not that.
Then there's the potential that surviving isn't all about what you thought it might be but life being precious is.
I'll stop there - I need to as it isn't making logic or sense but then, I've found out that this the way of it, it's the way it is and I have to live with it for now.
All day today - still cracking on at 8 pm but have decided to put it down now as I've been doing it for 10 hours now and that's enough for today.
I'm hoping that the next few weeks will see us getting very close to going to talk to investors. We could certainly do with having those sorts of conversations soon as we are coming up for 1 year's work already - it hardly seems possible but a year it is in early June.
And I watched a little of it - we do this stuff well in the UK I always think. I've tried to do some work today but feel quite tired - it's been one of those heavy weeks without actually knowing it. We are accelerating the business and I have meetings all over the place next week. We don't stop until Friday and then we can draw breath and move on to greater things. That's the plan.
The pace that things have begun to move at shouldn't be surprising because now we are getting to a point of real momentum and additionally word is getting around about what we are doing and people are beginning to come to talk to us rather than the other way around.
A friend has undergone a procedure on his throat for the removal of a tumour. He has already gone through radiation therapy some years ago - he now has to wait for a couple of weeks to see if it is malignant or benign. It brings back my own fears - which reminds me that I've not heard from the Hospital as of yet. He is pretty stoic and has had to revert to writing so he can rest his voice and throat.
As he said, you are more susceptible to getting cancer if you've already had it. I didn't particularly want to hear that though, I was hoping that the increased immune system I now have may have given me some sort of super powers :-)
It is very strange having all this time off with bank holidays for Easter and now for the Royal Wedding today followed by May Day on Monday. I'll make a mental note to rest for at least one if not two days - I really want to work through the whole weekend but I'm not sure that's such a good idea...
Since I last blogged - that's how busy it is this week - absolutely crazy week - good but crazy and tiring and exciting and amazing already. Why? Well, it looks as if we have started to generate buzz about our business. As people realise what it is and understand it they want to get involved and take us places. So that took some time up and then we have been just working and getting stuff finished and pulled together - the financial spreadsheets are pretty awesome beasts and I'm fascinated by their complexity and elegance. They near completion as do my plans and we have also spoken to a design agent and a potential partner organisation. They have a potential outlet for what we want to do. Not only that they have been thinking about where we can go with them. They already have global reach and we need that ourselves too.
So that's the upside. the downside is that I lie awake thinking about various scenarios because my brain is absolutely flying with all the possibilities there are. It's pretty much exciting times at last - we've worked our way through the drudgery of completing some of our work but now we are really beginning to see the value - especially in the depth of knowledge we have about our subject. Great stuff....
The business end game that is - we are in the 3rd quarter or whatever analogy you want to make. Tomorrow we meet potential design/graphic business I know - they may be able to do something for us and we also have an appointment to see my old colleague who raised about £4M last year and chat to him about raising some money and getting a partnering agreement between our organisations.
I worked for most of the afternoon on some due diligence work on various forms of capital and then on a new document to capture all the statistics we know about to help build our case, I printed off the slide set for tomorrow and got it into my A4 portfolio.
I'm just about set now to get going and looking forward to a day out to kick start things. We are getting very close but tying up all the loose ends is taking a while and we still have more to do and I have very little time coming up with all sorts of interruptions!
The whole weekend has been very good, sunshine, very warm for April and it's been nice to see it. We went out on Sunday and had a few beers and a barbecue with friends. He celebrated staying off beer for lent. I fell off my chair and we had a bag of laughs wandering home at about 11 last night.
Today - I'm back on the PC, working away as we have a couple of interesting meetings to attend to with the business which really is ramping up now - so much so that I've spent a little longer over the weekend working on that than I perhaps should have.
I saw an amusing cancer Tee Shirt the other day in a picture it said "F*ck awareness, find a cure" well it amused me :-)
I'm still pondering over why my GP would put a not on my repeat prescription, that I'm not going to read until the next time I get a prescription to come and see them no later than the 22nd January 2011? It's a bit bizarre if you ask me. I'll give them a call before I get the repeat prescription to see what it is all about and ask why they don't just email, SMS or telephone me? It's hardly proactive.
More stories of appalling customer service - one by our ISP who screwed up the company emails making us look like a bunch of dorks and another where the customer service people seeded fear and doubt until the Supply of Goods and Services Act was appropriately dropped into the conversation when miracle of miracles things got sorted. We intend never to have a business like that - it cannot be beyond the realms of possibility that you can run a business AND look after your customers.
Oh well - back to work and back to looking out on this beautiful day.
Out of the rain - a passing thunderstorm brought on by the ferociously hot weather. We held the Easter Egg Hunt this morning and it went really well - we had a good number of children (about 26 or maybe 28 - I can't quite work out my handwriting).
We had plenty of eggs for all and we had a Fancy Dress Parade - we perhaps should have done something a bit more on the marketing side - but then that's down to sh1t for brains "mr jobsworth" in the office who wouldn't send out our email. I think I might work on something a little more dynamic next year. Anyway, the residents loved it, we had to screen the eggs. We had face painting and good fun and the adults were as excited as the kids :-)
Hopefully this rain will pass - it has at least cooled us down.
Just found a note on my prescription to get in to see my GP before 22nd January 2011!!!!! That's a little bit well hidden as this is my latest prescription! It sort of looks urgent but if it was you'd have thought that they'd have rung me? Why stick it on a repeat prescription - I never look at those until I need more pills!
I was saying to someone the other day that it has been 21 years since we had a nice warm Easter like this and it was when A was born - I suppose you associate things like the first born with something or things. This weekend is set fair and it has been beautiful today and I - well I have been sat at my computer working. I know I can only imagine what you are saying!
I had some accounts to do and a few letters to write and other stuff to get done. Tomorrow is the Easter Egg Hunt - the 4th since I had cancer and about the 15th I think in terms of how long I've been involved. It could be the last - it depends on what we find tomorrow when we get there. At least we will be outside - we have for the past two years been indoors. 3 years ago I wasn't allowed to do anything as I'd just had the first lot of biopsies and wasn't in great shape :-)
I realised that all the time I've had BC I've carried on with all the usual things, I think that's not a bad thing but sometimes I wonder why I bother at all. If no one turns up tomorrow because they wouldn't advertise it, then I will kick it into touch I think.
Now to stop sitting indoors and get out and have a beer and kick off the barbecue and start to enjoy the weekend.
Another death which surprised me greatly - as I wasn't expecting this one. I'd had a bit of a "to do" with him last year and was quite surprised about the way he treated me and it was all over nothing as far as I was concerned but just a bizarre incident where he owed some money to the Lodge and was a bit put out that I asked for it. So we had a few letters cross in the post and a few chats - but I was very concerned as it wasn't like him and I voiced concerns about his behaviour last year thinking that he was "losing it".
It appears that he probably found out, about that time that he had Lung Cancer and that's possibly why I got an ear full from him at the time and if you are going to lash out then the nearest person will do.
This is the second death in the Lodge this week and the third in 3 weeks. Added to the other stuff that has gone on with deaths in families and all-sorts it has made for a pretty bad start to 2011. I suppose we will get to hear some more at the meeting tomorrow. As Treasurer it answers some questions around what's been going on as it appears that the person I informed was sworn to secrecy and so couldn't tell me what was going on.
Having a slow old day today, hard to get going and the work I am doing is gutty and repetitive and I have to alter three documents at once so they all reflect the changes :-)
I just can't get enthused about it at all and so time is dragging and I'm getting easily distracted - like writing this blog entry!
It doesn't help that my tinnitus is very bad at the moment - I have a lot of noise in my ears that I cannot get rid of. Using loud music isn't helping as I'm losing concentration.
Oh well - it isn't going to get done without me struggling on through :-(
It's nice to get out with some friends for a beer (or three) and a curry. We had a great evening and had some real laughs. I like being the "surreal" comedian and it was al going well and all was funny and someone on the next table piped up and it was a friend of mine - so that got things going even better.
I then found a note to this fantastic clip. you need to go full screen and full HD if you can as it really is superb - my 18.4" screen HD and surround sound does it justice.
I hope that you like it - it has a sound track from Ludovico Euinadi - it's really nice - I hope you agree.
The Mountain from Terje Sorgjerd on Vimeo.
Nothingness - if that is a word is what I sometimes feel myself having the power of. Nothing, nada, zip. It's a feeling of helplessness for my fellow patients and human beings. I see suffering and I can do nothing about it, I'm too far away or unable to effect an outcome or make things better, give huge amounts of money or do anything else like it.
I desperately don't want to appear to be a selfish person and yet, I think perhaps I ought to turn into someone who is as I haven't got the time or the ability to help. I can say words, do small actions but that is it. In the great scheme of things I can only affect those around me and over which I have some control. I see people all over the place who are suffering their own problems and feel bad about it.
I should, of course, know better than that - and I do. It's the guilt of being unable to do anything that's so annoying. A lot of these people I don't even know and I still feel bad. It's a strange emotion I have to say.
I just need to concentrate on myself a little bit more, I heard myself worrying about someone else today and was "politely told" that I had done my bit and it was all that was needed, I couldn't continue to try and alter things if that person didn't want to reciprocate.
So I must try harder to be harder on myself and to accept that whilst it is admirable to want to help everyone, in reality that just isn't ever going to happen.
Whilst I am thinking like this let's have some thoughts and prayers for this lady who needs to undergo some more treatment this week. She's been battling away for a long time and recording it in her blog.
I consider myself to be a bit aloof and slightly outside of the normal. I've always been like that so it doesn't particularly bug me and yet, I do consider that since Bladder Cancer I have moved further outside of the normal.
It's just a feeling these days that I revolve around in my own circle which exists outside of everyone else's circle. My relationships are more remote. Gentler but more remote and that's just one of those things I guess. Life changed immeasurably of course, as it would and so this just to be expected I guess.
No one here's got post traumatic stress or other complaint - things have just - well - just changed and whilst there's lots of positives, there are also the downright obvious outcomes and many of these include this being outside of the group, not one of the team, not one of the family and yet at the same time it's not being brushed off or ignored it's being just outside the circle.
It's an observation and it isn't deeply troubling or worrying and yet I realise it is there. I'm not sure I want to go back to the way it was before - I doubt it would work and it's important to move forward. The issue really is that my life has changed massively, no one has changed with me, I've just got to get on and make the most of it. I have work to keep me occupied - I just hope that something comes of it - it's been almost a year now of quite hard slog - but we are getting nearer the end game - so I hope that it will perhaps give me some other diversion.
I've been exceedingly angry this week. There's some serious stuff going down in the world and right across the board there is upheaval and disquiet. There's a lot that we aren't being told but what do our news editors give us? A slurry of celebrities who have some sort of problems. Quite how you can turn bipolar overnight and then manage to go on to make two films is still beyond me and quite how these super rich people live their lives isn't in the slightest interest to me. Somehow it is news? Thousands of people dead in Japan but we hardly hear about their plight - it's off the radar now yet some actor gets a mention before some of the important news.
So, perhaps - I'll get that out of my system. I see that I'll have to go elsewhere for my news and information so as not to get my head stuck full of bollocks and mush pedalled as news!
I'm looking forward to the weekend - another Grand Prix and I've managed to break the back of a particularly gutty piece of work that should almost complete the planning work for the business. My Business partner is back from training and we will get heads together next week and then I hope that we will have a few visits out to meet people and get some traction in terms of building the business. Of course - it will be chaos in London what with the Wedding and Easter etc. So many holidays in just a short period of time are going to be disruptive. Then in early May I have the normal week from hell when I have wall-to-wall meetings.
In all of this angst and bother I note that I haven't heard from the Hospital about being seen for a scope - I suppose I had better drop them a line if I haven't heard soon? It would be good to get that out of the way ASAP so I can have a clear summer.
You can't believe the space they give over in the news - and the BBC are getting worse at it, to so called celebrities as if it is national news. Things like earthquakes, politics, things happening around the world, wars, that sort of thing. Now we get some irritating celebrity getting a 2 minutes slot plus a panel of experts to discuss how traumatised she must be. Sheeeesh!
The whole world is bloody crazy and falling into a spin doctor world where we will be reporting on some actor or actress having a sodding headache or a bad tooth. These people DO NOT matter, they are there to entertain us, they get very, very, very handsomely paid to do so and they live a great life, they have people to do everything for them down to wiping their arses I don't doubt. Bit they aren't news, they aren't intelligentsia, they aren't professors, presidents and prime minister, they have opinions but they don't make policy. These days they are held up as icons and somehow everyone's bought into the bollocks that is celebrity.
Well it makes me mad (as you can tell). I'm trying to find any reasons left why I should watch the BBC which was at one time the best, most balanced reporting you could find, now days they just make it up and don't even verify their stories sometimes relying on hearsay and then having to track back.
Anyway - the space given over to some people online and on TV just makes you wonder if there isn't any news out in the wide world - I might as well go and buy Hello magazine and get all my important news from there.
This is a RANT - I find this rot and bunkum absolutely offensive and the worst sort of self publicity possible. Amazingly it even upstaged the problems in Japan, Iran and Libya!
Have a look at this LINK
Now you tell me what is wrong with it? Let's look at it a bit shall we?
"Catherine Zeta Jones has received treatment for bipolar disorder after dealing with the stress of her husband's battle with throat cancer." Really?
I was quite shocked and went to have a word with Mrs. F. about it and she isn't traumatised or any such thing. Mind you she isn't looking to resurrect her career and her publicist hasn't told her that her name hasn't been in my blog for at least 30 milliseconds.
It gets worse - no believe me - you'd best go get the sick bag now...
"Zeta Jones's publicist Cece Yorke said the actress sought treatment for the condition following the stress of her husband's cancer fight."
"After dealing with the stress of the past year, Catherine made the decision to check in to a mental health facility for a brief stay to treat her bipolar II disorder," said Yorke."
"She's feeling great and looking forward to starting work this week on her two upcoming films."
Well how f*****g sad is that exactly - I guess all those millions you'll get from them will help sort it out for you - get a grip woman!
GET REAL - all the really distressed people who find that they have no income because of cancer and the real distress of meaning their kids go without basics, who can't afford medical (I'm looking outside the UK here folks) and who fall down the poverty trap - yes - I can fully understand that it would screw your mind and that the stress would get you. These poor sods have no money, nowhere to turn to, no bloody leach PR consultants and spin doctors - they've got to get on with life and all the shit, muck and bullets thrown at them. Someone once said that they know what is wrong with these people and that is that they have a very high opinion of themselves and they don't realise that all they actually are - are actors and people of passing interest. They aren't as important as they think they are and they surely must be pretty stupid to believe that they can actually hold an opinion on anything as they haven't got the balls to get out of their cosseted artificial, vacuous self centred existence and actually do something about it. They are full of hurt and wish to be considered one of the people suffering like we do?
5 minutes alone with anyone of them - please - just let me have my 5 minutes whilst I explain what way up really is.
For MD and CZJ - let's think about how bad it could have got for them? Yea right, nanny may needed to look after the kids a few more hours. Specialist doctors on hand, no waiting in queues and all that. Treatment immediately, private rooms, top oncologist, chauffeured service, nurse at home 24/7. My god it must have rattled her brain to have had to have all those specialists in a one-to-one situation when the rest of us plebs have to take the 5 minutes session, bang them in pile them up sessions we have in our quest to get diagnosed and treated. Stop whining and get on doing what you are meant to be good at, being screen dressing for good actors FFS!
I find it downright offensive reading this utter crap. If you're that ill surely you can't go on a film set.
Grrrrrr - Flame - arggggh!!!!
The utter bollocks these people of notoriety come out with goes beyond the pale. Thank god she's Welsh at least we don't have to say she comes from England. I'm so pleased that she has decided to live in the US at least we wont have her joining in with all the ne'er-do-wells and bleaters in the UK - you have our permission to banish her to some other distant country too.
MMmmm - I feel a hell of a lot better after that rant.
I notice that these days - it's all about life, not bladder cancer at all. That may mean nothing to you at all but it might just suggest that there's life after all the worry, depression, treatment, appointments, pain, grunge, waiting, gobbledegook words from doctors, tests, waiting, diagnosis, ups and downs. After a while these things fade away and you just - well - get on with it.
I'm just living again now and getting used to it. Sure I have a completely different temperament and attitude (some would say it is good!) and a different outlook and demeanour. I'm really focussing in on rebuilding and my new business has at its heart a desire to make changes in people's lives - good changes - that's important now.
I've taken a step away from being a victim. I've been through all of that and suddenly, I'm getting my life back. It isn't all plain sailing of course. I have to rebuild relationships, have to accept that some of them will never be rebuilt. I have to get on with things now and stop being the one all this happened to. That's behind me now and I now try to move on each day.
When you've got your life back - it needs you to do something with it. I've got to reinvent myself, I have to get my strength back (you can't believe how much of that mental and physical strength has been depleted). Additionally, you have to stop looking at yourself and your problems and lift your eyes upwards to some new challenges and to set goals that will allow you to conquer your fears, follow your dreams and go forward once more to get on with your life.
This blog has turned from being about bladder cancer and all that went with it to the fallout I still have but more importantly to begin to realise that there are other things out there that need to be tackled and that I can use my experience to bring to bear to solve problems and to help others. High ideals - that's what you should be left with post Bladder Cancer. Targets to strive to achieve, goals and objectives to meet but, more important than all of that is having purpose and to use my skills and experience to change other people's lives. That's what I now strive to achieve and I hope that the business we want to build might attract sufficient funding to allow me to achieve that vision.
Not mine - my youngest daughter's new young man - well her first as far as I know. Bless him, he is about 6' 5" or 6" I guess and just fits under our door frames. He seems a nice enough young man and so I'm pretty OK with that. A - apart from her first boyfriend - "who brought the vacuum cleaner" was my first reaction to him has had nice young men and now L appears to have met a nice one too. Let's hope so, he certainly appears to have the same sense of humour and interests so I hope they get on well. Shame they are so far apart geographically. He is here for a couple of days and let's see how that goes.
Had a boozy old day today - met a friend who has finally got a job - after a year - I forgot that he drinks but doesn't eat at the same time so I got home absolutely starving and with quite a few beers on board. Luckily I had a 30 minute nap and was able to pull myself together to go out tonight and ended up having a few more beers there too!
I am also out tomorrow and Wednesday. At least tomorrow I am not drinking - I'll be driving so wont touch any.
Wednesday I'll be having a meal and a few glasses of wine. Hopefully that will be the lot for the weekend.
My friend who had the cancer scare became a father yesterday which is fabulous news. Now there are two things to be delighted about for him and his wife. As I said to him - welcome to the land of the poor. As A used to have on her Tee-Shirt "I can spend money faster than you can earn it!" I have no doubt that this remains true to this day.
