The Last Supper? Well Last Curry Actually

We are off out for a family curry to say goodbye and wish good luck to L who is off to Cambridge tomorrow to start University and Freshers week. I really hope that she looks back at this as being the best 3 years of her life - well maybe the rest will be too but you know what I mean.

To me, these years cement your future and you "grow". Mind you I never kept any of my college friends as I didn't particularly bond with them - they were all right but I'd never ever consider them as life long friends - they were just people I worked with and happened to go to college with. In fact I only have one friend left from that time. Both of our lives have been intertwined and it is a shame that the other one from that sort of era died earlier this year. My friends are either old school chums or friends from recent work or from my Masonic circle. Lot's of my friends though met people at University and they still know them and in some cases their marriages were from people they met.

I hope that L gets to meet good friends and has good times as well as enjoys the course she is on. It should be an interesting course for her as she is very good at maths and her course includes business, finance and accountancy so pretty comprehensive and I hope a good foundation to go on and do what she wants in life.

I enjoy it when we all go out - we don't do it half enough in my estimation.

Context

Putting it all into context. That's where I am at in my life at the moment. The business is coming together and making a lot of sense now that the planning is almost but not quite finished. It's been a long road and in reality, we haven't actually started unless we get funding and it all could have been done for nothing :-) That's the reality of the situation and hard as that may seem, it's the bottom line about the business. I'm also involved in another business start-up that is in very early days too and one that may pay some dividends in a few years time. So that's business.

Family will suffer a big upheaval this weekend as L goes to University. Unlike A, she will actually stay away and be in Halls. She's justifiably very excited and a little nervous too but she has a great personality that will carry her through and her boyfriend isn't too far away and in fact neither are we if it comes to it. I used to drive there and back every day for about 6 months when I worked in Cambridge so it can be done :-)

Then there's Dad and his situation to deal with. That is getting a little interesting as his birthday coincides with my Father-In-Laws who is 90 this year and My Nephew who is 30. My cousin is also 30 and we are off to her party in a few weeks - the weekend I go and see my dad. So my sister in law is planning a joint 30th and 90th party which would take place at the weekend when it is my dad's 81st birthday. Do you see the problem? Of course, I'm not sure my Dad would actually want to be doing much to celebrate. We did something for his 80th last year - and of course now I know why he wasn't particularly great at that either. Doctors reckon that dad could have been suffering some sorts of problems for 18 months or more. That fits in exactly with my recollections of the 2 or 3 times I've seen him in that time.

So a number of things will be coming to a head shortly and work and family are the main ones. In a way, I'm hoping that I'll be able to keep some sort of control over some of it but, of course, quite what happens when I see my dad in a week or so will determine what actions I'll be taking on top of the work I'm doing now.

To add a little pressure to everything else I'm trying to sort out finances for the Lodge and need to get those sorted pretty quickly and in between times - it's all a bit much. At least later this month I get a weekend away with my buddies down to Margate - which I hope will be a laugh like it was 2 years ago (doesn't time fly!).

Some Good News

And that's that Steve Kelley over in the US has got another clear from his scope and that they are using new improved cystoscope that means he can go straight on to BCG treatment tomorrow.

That's great news indeed but there's a bit of a mixed bag about the ongoing treatment. Read Here for more information.

I'm quite grateful that my Hospital is 5 minutes (at the most) drive from here and I used to have all my treatments at 2 pm but for Steve who has to go a long way for his treatments it's a different matter.

Anyway, the absolutely brilliant news is that he is clear and can once again go on for the next stage of treatment.

Jazz Night

Was a really good evening and I really enjoyed that first beer - it went down a treat :-)

Didn't talk about Dad to my friends as they are much older than dad and one of our number isn't going to turn up again as his Parkinson's Disease has led to complete lack of control (if you get my drift). Bless him, he's been fighting this for about three years I think and suddenly it's out of control and it is just so sad. So I didn't even bring up my Dad's news and then the other very young chap who had Appendix Cancer now has a UTI so he isn't feeling great. The music was very good though so the list of ailments and problems was kept to a minimum :-)

Whilst I'm writing, let's spare a BIG thought / Prayer / Finger Crossed / or whatever else you do to wish Steve Kelley well on the 8th September as he has his Flexible Cystoscopy. Let's hope that it is all clear and that he can progress on to his next set of treatments (I believe it is a maintenance set of BCGs). Steve's had the whole of summer off and has been looking after himself with a new diet, FOCC, exercise (which still sucks) and various supplements, all of which add to a regime of eating and exercising in an effort to combat cancer and it's causes.

Things move on apace here as L gets ready to go to Cambridge this weekend. I'm so pleased for her. Of course we are going to miss her a lot but what an opportunity and one that I never experienced - I just hope she grasps it and realises that these 3 years will probably be the best of her life and also that they will bring her life long friendships and experiences that she can cherish forever. I really wish that I had those opportunities when I was her age but if I had, I wouldn't be here now - I probably wouldn't have smoked or worked in the industry I did, met Mrs. F. or had A & L :-) so there you go! :-)

Back in my groove

I'm helping other people come to terms with my Dad's problem :-) Doh! Just like I did with mine, I've been doing the logic and medical bit and saying how it's going to be. It's a bit bizarre as the outcome is pretty much written although I hope to speak to him and see what state of mind he is in about it. I think it will be very different to mine and I've to respect that of course.

Many would think it somewhat selfish but I doubt that they'd have the background and experience to make that sort of call. I like to think perhaps I do have that sort of background and experience and can offer the advice I have without it being impertinent or not called for.

I said it earlier on in this blog that you tend to get the Snake Oil pedlars and Witch Doctors rattling on about something that can only be drunk on the fifth Saturday under a Blue Moon when the Rabbits are mating in the trees or some such tripe and utter bollocks. They really can go to hell and the fast way :-) I won't be pushing anything of the sort - all I can do is explain what I do and see if that's something he'd like to look at. At the moment, even I don't know if it's the right thing for me but so far it's worked so perhaps for him it may help some way. We'll see.

I do feel slightly borderline on things I have to say - I'm certainly a bit confused about what to do. It's a silly question to have but we communicate on very similar plains my dad and I and we don't really tend to say much to each other. We have a laugh and a joke, we are pretty similar people in many ways and I'm not convinced that he's going to want me to be attending his side a lot. Certainly see him more often but I can't imagine him actually wanting me to be there that often. I'll speak to him when I see him and see what he wants to do - after all it's his decision and I'll follow his wishes.

A Plan

I've been speaking to Mrs. F. and I reckon I could make a plan to go up and back most weekends to see my dad. I guess it all depends on how serious things are, quite how accurate the medical team are and quite what his expectations are. I'm trying not to sound mechanical or uncaring or that in some way my presence will not be too much or too little and not an imposition. Of course, what IS the right thing to do also comes into it.

This month I'm only available to see him on the day I have free to see him. October may be a bit different I suppose especially as it is his 81st Birthday. It's mostly up to him and I'm wanting to be there and at the same time not wanting to either.

It's all pretty confusing at the moment. For example, I see my parents once or twice a year and have done for the past 5 or so years. I saw a lot more of them before I was ill as I was driving a lot and so made detours to go see them on the way to and from Yorkshire where I worked for a while and on other trips too. When they had the old house we stayed a little longer and generally we try and stay for two or three days at a time. We coincided a Narrow Boat holiday to cruise right past their door and stayed with them then too. So I do try but the main contact is by phone, religiously twice a week now it used to be once a week and when needed.

So I'm in a dilemma about being good company or not and I'm being a bit selfish too and I don't know if I'm going to be comfortable with myself for not seeing him more. Let's face it, if he'd have had something that brought about his demise in the past few years I wouldn't have been there and that's the problem with it all. I have lived in this house for 23 years and I've lived for the most part here since I was 10 years old when my parents moved out of London. It was my parents and my brother that made the move to Norfolk/Cambridgeshire and I have to accept that I'm a bit stuck about that and what it means is that I wont see my father many times more now and my brother will see a lot of him. Maybe I feel I'm not doing my bit? Maybe I am? It's a quandary all right and one I'm not sure I have the answers to at the moment.

My friends all tell me it was important for them to be there at the end to have had the time with their dads especially one whose dad died very suddenly.

So my side is this. I've lived through my illness and I may still be living through it as far as I know. I very much doubt I'll have a normal life any more. The sword of Damocles hangs over my head every time I go to the toilet and urinate and every time I go to be checked. My cancer can come back and without doubt it was my burden to carry and whilst I am aware that everyone around me may have suffered - I very much doubt that it matched the physical symptoms but I know that mentally it did affect many. Mrs. F. and the girls are pretty pragmatic people. As a family unit we are pretty much matter of fact, logical, things will be what they will be and I dislike myself immensely as I too have a very matter of fact outlook on what is happening now. Sure I do get troubled and I do worry and I am sad but I'm also a realist and things have to be what they will be. Life has a beginning and it has an end.

I know what I dread and that is seeing what I saw in myself and after having lived through my experience I will see in my father what I saw in myself but what didn't happen in my instance (but could well have). Some take my attitude as being hard and uncaring and yet in reality that isn't the case, it is being realistic. Should I go see my Dad many times a week when frankly the last time I saw him that often was when we worked in the same building 20 years ago. Generally I'd see my parents 10 times a year when they were local and now I see them twice a year if we are lucky. I don't know - I'm sure my mum, dad and brother will make their opinion known when I see them in a few weeks.

It's also fair to say that I'm not very close to my dad either - we get on fine don't get me wrong. We laugh and joke we aren't in any way estranged or anything like that but he is and always has been an introverted and very private person and whilst he will always be my dad, we never did things together after I left home. We've never been out drinking, cricket or football or any event I can think of and I've no complaints about that either - it's not my thing either. We did all the father and son stuff when I was a kid so that was great. He's been great with the Kids - he's known as "Funny Granddad" for good reason, he's there if you need him and he's never given advice (unlike my mum LOL) except when asked for and never ventured to many opinions - occasionally when I was a bit younger he gave me some sage words of advice (I was a little headstrong before I settled down a bit).

And that's it. He's never asked me for anything and we all get along OK. I have a number of slight moans about him not doing things like attending family parties and get togethers leaving us as the lone representatives because my brother doesn't "travel well" either by the looks of things. My exile during my illness and the fact that the spare rooms no longer exist and I stay in a Hotel (well Pub) nearby these days to make the journey more bearable and to have a bit of extra time there.

I feel like I'm being really selfish about this and I know I'll be unhappy with myself if "I'm not there when..." or should something happen but at the end of the day, if it had been local and they hadn't moved then I could indeed share the car journeys, hospital visits and some of my experience I suppose. It's a guilt trip and one that I probably cannot win because no matter what I do decide to do it won't be enough either in my eyes, my parents or my brothers.

Wedding Update

It was an interesting wedding venue and the bride and groom stayed in a tree house for their first night which was near the huge marquee and tea-lit woods.  Very unusual.

My dad was mentioned but only in passing and so I didn't have to listen to people not being able to express themselves.  I have a very simple view of these things and that's brought about through my own experience - of course.  Spoke to mum today and things seem OK, dad's recovering from this awful bug he picked up at the hospital but other than that he is fine and beginning to eat again properly.  He was being cheeky so definitely on the mend!

I heard one bit of advice about "being there" as often as possible but I'm not sure that is possible for me as such - it's difficult and we are having to make arrangements to be there.  I know I should try and I'm stuck here wondering what I should and should not be doing.  Perhaps dad will give me his own message when I'm there in a few weeks time. In a way that's the difficult part for me, I work all week, I haven't paid myself in over a year and I need to get things happening for my own family and myself so using up my spare time - of which I have very little is going to be difficult.  I'll just have to work out what I can and cannot do in the time available to me.  Sound callous but somewhere along the line I need to be realistic.  I'd dearly love to be 30 or 40 minutes drive from them so I could see them at weekends and once or twice a week but I'd need to invest 5 or 6 hours to do a trip and that really slows down and limits my available options.

That's arranged

Booked hotels etc so I can go visit my dad in a few weeks time. Girls will either get there themselves or come with us. So far so well planned.

Interesting day today as we go and celebrate the first of our friend's children to get married. Wow, I feel old now. It's been around 30 years since all of us got married and here's one of the youngest ones getting married. Amazing.

I'll be chatting to some friends this evening about dad as they now know and we will just see how it goes. I hope it isn't too bad as we should celebrate the wedding not be sad about my dad.

Rude awakening

At the crack of sparrows this morning. Kid brother had been up most of the night as Dad picked up some horrible bug at the Hospital and was in a bad way getting the Doctor out to come and see him. Highly unusual. Dad's hardly ever ill and as mum said - "he's making up for it now!"

My kid brother said "did I wake you up" and I said he did and then he looked at his watch! Doh...

I was pretty tired after being up in London and so wasn't at all with it. Anyway, things have settled down, the person who got the most amount of rest after the Doctor sorted him out was Dad :-)

It's one of those things I suppose, we might have to get used to Dad being ill more often.

Facebook

I see my brother posted to Facebook and it was a heart rending sort of statement. It says "Not once did I ever feel that I don't need you in my life. No words are enough to describe how much you mean to me, Dad. Just want to say, I love you."

Well - yes that's true but at the end of the day I kind of think he knows that. It invokes sentimental messages from people that know us but it doesn't for one minute address the issue and that is - "Dad, what do YOU want to do?"

Only in that conversation - which I intend to have in a few weeks can we hope to sort this out. It isn't my illness or my brothers, my mums or anyone of my realtives - it's his and he must decide.

Slept well enough

Mrs. F. suggested I listen to a Radio 4 broadcast about terminal cancer this morning but, in all honesty, its a special day and I don't want to make my mood any worse than it is because it is the 100th meeting of London Lunchtimers and I'm the Chairman so I need to be on good form.

I'm meeting up with a friend afterwards for a couple of beers and a chat so that will be nice. As long as we aren't too late of course. I could do with a little company and he's a nice guy.

It's a strange day - I'm sort of OK today - I slept quite well - it must have been the couple of rather large scotches and I'm not feeling too tired either - I just hope that I do well at lunchtime and that a few late afternoon beers and a chat will make me feel a bit better.

How things look after a few drinks

Mrs. F. looked at me and knew pretty much what I was thinking and A, my daughter, was pretty upset when Mrs. F told her. Not surprising, he's much as I remember my grandfather was to me, a lovely man. Talking of which I went back to my Grandparent's house in my subconscious/dreams last night. I remembered every bit of the flat, where everything was even the smell of the place and my grandparents speaking to me. Being an awkward teenager and having nothing useful in terms of conversation, taking my girlfriend there for their 50th Wedding Anniversary but I recall, this perpetual calendar my granddad had and as you turned over it's art deco style chrome canister it changed the day (unless you did it too fast). It was the most fascinating thing.

I sit here at way gone 1 in the morning knowing that the booze is probably talking a bit by now feeling a little tearful and yet thankful for having been my parent's child. I can see it no other way, not having been brought up fairer by anyone else (although in my youth I may had happened to mention what my friend's parents let them do!) and in all honesty I just want Dad to have "no regrets" - by that I mean that we always had what we needed and more, we weren't poor but neither were we rich, we got by and I've no axe to grind about it. Whether I'm brave enough to say that I don't know, time will tell on that one and I'm certain that Dad's never wanted for anything else from us. I'm sort of gutted for my mum, my parents are close and have lived as a couple for over 50 years. Modern day marriages (mine especially) aren't like that - I've worked away for a lot of the time and I've worked long hours and sometimes I wonder for what?

Any way - it's getting very late now and I've had my glasses of scotch and reflection. Tomorrow I'm off to London for our 100th Meeting of London Lunchtimers and maybe, just maybe, I'll have a few beers after that. I may need a victim to go drinking with or might just come straight home and have one or two at my local and then wander home.

All in all - it's been one of those days. I have full empathy with my dad as I recollect how wretched I felt when my doctor told me he thought it was a tumour) that's before I even had it checked out. I fell apart completely when I got home and so I can only begin to imagine what it is like at home at the moment. It's a big thing to come to terms with. I remember going for the job at the charity and the President asked me "Did you think you were going to die?" and I said "Yes, I did". You may think it was a cruel question but he knew that the job I was going to do and the work needed as their first PR person needed me to understand what that actually felt like. I felt it once and I never wanted to feel it again and then today happened.

I don't feel drunk or even squify - no idea why not. I just feel distant.

And now I do feel bad

My brother sounded quite shaken on the phone and I can see why. I'm quite shaken up myself - I didn't think I'd be because I'd prepared myself for this. It's a fact that we all have to go but it is also a fact that we would rather go on our own terms.

Pancreatic Cancer - 10 months if he has the operation 6 months if he doesn't. It's slow growing in someone his age but even so, 6 months is no time at all is it? In younger people it is more aggressive as I recollect from some of the people I know who have had it.

I'm shocked and yet I knew this was coming - I suppose hearing it and how upset my brother was didn't really help things that much.

I might be feeling a little uneasy

But I'm sure my parents are going through purgatory and my brother probably is too as they meet the expert team discussing Dad's Pancreatic Cancer. I'm powerless to do anything as are we all of course. I must stop myself living it for him too - it will undoubtedly not be good for me.

I said a long time ago that your disease is yours and although you get support it's really only you who has the mental and physical battles. Anticipating what it will be like, how you'll feel, how others will feel and so on make for an interesting combination.

We all want to go to heaven but nobody wants to die - but we're all going to and that's the thing. Can you do anything about it? Not really, just come to terms with it and understand that is what is going to happen. You just hope it isn't too soon!

Well it wont be long now until I hear what the experts have to say. I suppose it will be all the obvious questions that Dad will have to ask and I do hope they've written them down as I told them to. These are important but they do have a local nurse who is able to answer any questions they've forgotten or that may arise.

I wouldn't want to be sitting in on today's meeting at all. I feel bad just typing this.

Tomorrow's The Day

Dad will get his discussion with the medical team and will find out the situation about his Pancreatic Cancer. It's early stage, that's good, it's Pancreatic which isn't quite so good and he's coming up 81 which makes things a little difficult and therefore subject to the "quality of life" discussions.

I'm trying not to sound blasé about it - it isn't, after all, a subject to be blasé about now really. I'm sort of hopeful that because it is early that they can give him something to slow things down and that he'll have some sort of opportunity to spend some time in doing things whilst he is able. I'm in some doubt about it myself, I know enough about Pancreatic to be dangerous and so decided not to go up and sit in on the meeting tomorrow. What good could I, a survivor, actually do when I can't imagine that there's going to be that opportunity given to him.

No matter what happens tomorrow, it will be a shock and it will be traumatic. I've to wait for the call in the late afternoon (I guess). My brother takes these things badly. I seem to have come over all calm and OK about it but I'm on the edge, I can feel it and I'm not sure how I'll react. I know what's coming and I think I know how I'm going to deal with it and yet, somehow, I'm struggling because of my own experience. I'm bordering on the edge, I can feel that and I think that it may change things. I've never been close to my father and that's because I'm very much like him. I'm sure he too has a similar psychometric profile to me. We don't do relationships very well and we have a number of other traits that may be perceived as being quite cold and almost ruthless but we aren't really.

I see a lot of myself in him except for some areas and I'm wondering if things will change and we will get a little closer, either through shared experience or through talking a little more deeply than we normally do. He is a very private person and I'm probably not quite as bad as that.

Anyway, it will soon be tomorrow and we will find out the prognosis and I guess the amount of time left - there I've said it!! Everyone dies of course and it wouldn't be the best choice of a way to go but it happens to us all. I've been lucky in a way that I've done a bit of path-finding for the family in terms of cancer treatments. I can only imagine what is going through my dad's mind as he lost both his parents to cancer. The trouble is, I can't be there for him or share my experience with him in its entirety and I don't suppose he'd want me to either. He's made one key decision and has to make some more in the next week or two. As I remind my brother and my mum, it is his life and he must decide what he is comfortable with. We have to accept his decision (whatever it may be) and we need to provide whatever support he needs. It will of course be hard on Mum and my brother too as he is quite sensitive to this sort of thing. He made a lot of fuss of me being ill and worrying but not enough to drive the 2 1/2 hours to see me of course :-) Sorry being a little bit wicked with that statement :-)

Let's hope it doesn't pull us apart - I could do without that.

Bladder Cancer Podcast

This may be interesting - it is almost 14 minutes long and it explains Bladder Cancer, Symptoms, Treatment etc.

Dilemma in the making

My folks live a long way away from me. Sure I could drive there and back in a day but the journey isn't particularly nice. It takes you around the largest car park in the world (or part of the 125 miles that is known as the M25). Then the M11 which isn't too bad a road if it is quiet. It doesn't need much for it not to be. Then at the end of the M11 there is still as much time to drive although nowhere near the distance to get to them. So it could easily be 2 1/2 hours and often 3. That would mean me driving for 6 hours roughly as I'd be held up somewhere or other. of course L is going to Cambridge so I can perhaps fit some sort of double visit in but then you need to add a hotel stop on to that.

I'm not saying I don't want to but it obliterates a day entirely or two to make it a reasonable length of visit. We will go up in a couple of weeks time to see them as we are already heading up north beyond them. It means coughing for hotels rooms but I'm not really worried about that. I'm just sort of stuck about how often I can visit my dad. I think they used to go and see my granddad a lot in Hospital but I think that was once a week. I used to go when I was nearby up in London but got banned after granddad got to a point where he didn't want us to remember him how he ended up. I can understand that too.

It's at times like this I question why the moved away from here. Here where I could have seen them even in the evening and just driven down for an hour or two. But they moved away as did my brother and it kind of leaves me in a position where I feel a little bit bad about not being there to help out or visit. It sure is a quandary - what to do for the best.

As I said in the blog sometime ago I was a little bit annoyed when I finally calculated that my parents hadn't been down to see me whilst I was ill. Having said that, I've a feeling they must have come down for a day for some reason as they've sat in my comfortable chair that I bought just after I was ill. I wonder if they came down for a day with my brother. I think they probably did and dashed back home because of my brother's dogs. Mind you I might be imagining that as it certainly feels like a long time ago they were here. So, with the proviso that they might have made a visit in the past 5 years it still makes me wonder what I'm expected to do now that Dad's ill?

The thing is that I have to wake up to the fact that this will very probably be the cause of his death at some time in the future and maybe we will find out some more detail on Wednesday. It isn't going to be good news and I suppose they'll give him a series of options and we will just have to live with that. I'm sure he will set some rules and put them in place and things will be what they will be. I'm certain that it will just even out and I'll just have to make the adjustments I need to make and do what I need to do at the time. Now I feel helpless and have no idea what to say about it. Not sure what to say when we meet in a few weeks but that will just be another awkward moment that cancer brings about all too regularly.

All quiet - thank goodness

Spoke to mum and things are settled at home - dad's feeling well enough to drive again so they will give that a try later in the week and drive into town. It's a strange thing but he feels well and now they've put the stent in and things are operating as normally as they can, he's getting around without his stick and he's got energy and appetite back. It sort of explains why he wasn't at all with it when I went to see him some time back. I'm hoping to get up there in September and see him. Once the specialists have told him what's going to happen - I'll need to work out what I'm going to do in terms of going to see him when I can.

The trouble is of course that I've got my own commitments too and so I need to work out that side of the equation as well.

Hurrah

The laptop has taken all of its updates without a problem and I've cleaned out all those annoying bars that now come with software these days. What a damn nuisance - I can spot them when installing but also noticed that the virus and malware checkers also spot them so I can kill them off when needs be.

I really do hope we can get out backing as we can do away with all this utter nonsense you have to go through. I guess it has taken me the best part of 8 hours to sort this new laptop out. I've probably done more than the average user - like backed it all up, got recovery disks and recovery driver disks, password recovery (from last time) and I've upgraded everything from the BIOS to the office productivity software with their latest patches and upgrades. How a mere mortal is meant to know they are supposed to do this is beyond me. Mrs. F. has just been upgrading Firefox and its asked her questions about add-ins, compatibility and all sorts which she has no idea what it means.

Spoke to the parents this morning - all seems calm and so I'm pleased about that. Big day on Wednesday when they find out more.

One Leaves the Other Appears

My daughters that is L is in Tenerife, A has just arrived back from Edinburgh and I am sitting at my PC with the new laptop going through the usual setup routines and booting and rebooting, uploading, downloading and generally doing much what I did a week ago. It's Deja Vu all over again....

I'm greeted with a label urging me to back up the system - I don't need a prod I understand this but I just love that the reasons I should do this are:

Causes of Data Loss:

56% Hardware & System problems

30 % Human error and computer viruses

9% Software corruption or program problems.

So what are the other reasons - that isn't 100% :-)

This is like saying that the new car you bought only has a 5% of working properly! It's amazing that we have to put up with this.