Back on the good old Sony PC. It wasn't quite as painful as I was expecting - I suppose the good thing about having an image back up is that quite a bit of the work was already done and apart from having to update various software packages - it has taken just the morning to get me up and working to this level where I can actually write a blog, send emails, browse the internet etc.
The Synchronisation software immediately recognised the computer and that stuff was missing and is synchronising as I write - brilliant!
The blogger back up software needed reinstalling but the blogs were all backed into the cloud too.
I need to re do the gmail back up next - that should be fun :-) It is nice to have the computer back and functioning though! Phew.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Still churning away
My computer has been rebuilding for around 10 hours now and I hope by the morning it will be a little nearer completion.
I continue to hope that things wont be too painful to get it restored back to the way it was but I foresee a long and painful journey ahead - I certainly hope I don't have to "talk" to Messrs Microsoft once more about re-loading the software I paid for back onto the same machine because of a hard drive failure - they fail to see that it is still the same PC and that I actually bought the software for that PC too. I really don't need that sh1t again it ended with me getting pretty shitty to the operator who hung up on me:-) I can have that affect on people. Applying the logic bit and asking them to restate the terms and conditions and then keeping going back to the beginning about it being the same machine probably didn't help their state of mind.
What else? Not much really - I need to go to the Doctors tomorrow and get my Blood Pressure checked. That's if we don't get blown away or washed away with the storms we are having in between times. I hope they abate for next week as I'm up to London a couple of days next week and out every day too! Not looking forward to that but it happens every year at this time.
Will have to see how my dad is tomorrow - it didn't sound great this morning and I suppose we will have to see if he has "given up the will" which is what it sounded like this morning.
I continue to hope that things wont be too painful to get it restored back to the way it was but I foresee a long and painful journey ahead - I certainly hope I don't have to "talk" to Messrs Microsoft once more about re-loading the software I paid for back onto the same machine because of a hard drive failure - they fail to see that it is still the same PC and that I actually bought the software for that PC too. I really don't need that sh1t again it ended with me getting pretty shitty to the operator who hung up on me:-) I can have that affect on people. Applying the logic bit and asking them to restate the terms and conditions and then keeping going back to the beginning about it being the same machine probably didn't help their state of mind.
What else? Not much really - I need to go to the Doctors tomorrow and get my Blood Pressure checked. That's if we don't get blown away or washed away with the storms we are having in between times. I hope they abate for next week as I'm up to London a couple of days next week and out every day too! Not looking forward to that but it happens every year at this time.
Will have to see how my dad is tomorrow - it didn't sound great this morning and I suppose we will have to see if he has "given up the will" which is what it sounded like this morning.
New Hard Drive
As I write the image from the back up drive is busy burning itself onto my new hard drive that arrived this morning. A 10 minute swap around and a few false starts looks as if this will rebuild the PC probably back to where it started in the first place... Let's hope that this gets me somewhere near where I need to be. It will probably be a good two or three days to get back to the situation I was in 4 or 5 weeks ago.
Thanks goodness all the key stuff was backed up but unfortunately all my bookmarks and that sort of local stuff was (or would have been ) lost. That can be a right pain trying to resolve but the main thing is to get the PC back and working. Damn annoying that the hard drive only lasted 490 odd days! That's a very short life really. Anyway - let's hope it will be resolved soon.
Thanks goodness all the key stuff was backed up but unfortunately all my bookmarks and that sort of local stuff was (or would have been ) lost. That can be a right pain trying to resolve but the main thing is to get the PC back and working. Damn annoying that the hard drive only lasted 490 odd days! That's a very short life really. Anyway - let's hope it will be resolved soon.
The Wheels Are Falling Off
Not me, my dad. Sounds like this morning he really isn't in a good place. He's always suffered from - shall we call it - depression? He gets stressed out by certain situations and whilst I've only seen it a few times, it is pretty freaky. The worst I ever saw him was at my Uncle's (my mums brother) funeral just as we arrived for the service. But he also goes very quiet and introverted too so you don't get much out of him. Even we can't unlock that sometimes and it's not great but apparently today it is markedly bad.
That's not a great place to be and in my own experience, the dark stuff really is very dark indeed and it takes a lot to get yourself out of the trough you are in. Lately dad has been having his medication adjusted and moved around so that I imagine has some bearing on this but also, of course, the disease is progressing, the tumour is no doubt getting larger and perhaps the staging has changed.
The continuing loss of weight is an obvious factor that also depresses him and try as he might he cannot find the strength to do basic things for himself - for someone so independent you can see that this will play on his mind which remains unaffected by it all.
That's not a great place to be and in my own experience, the dark stuff really is very dark indeed and it takes a lot to get yourself out of the trough you are in. Lately dad has been having his medication adjusted and moved around so that I imagine has some bearing on this but also, of course, the disease is progressing, the tumour is no doubt getting larger and perhaps the staging has changed.
The continuing loss of weight is an obvious factor that also depresses him and try as he might he cannot find the strength to do basic things for himself - for someone so independent you can see that this will play on his mind which remains unaffected by it all.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
What to do?
It is getting to the point now where I've started to get into some detail about what to do next. It is quite incredible that even after all the effort of the past 2 years I don't feel bad about it. I am though wondering why I shouldn't use these skills to take on a more serious job but that's the trouble I haven't got the inclination to go and join the rat race again and feel that I'd probably not fit in too well. I'd probably be able to go back to doing my jobbing project and program management work again as long as it isn't in London and I don't have to commute each day. I don't think I'd mind being abroad for short periods either but again I'm weighing each of these options up.
It is quite a messy argument going on about whether it is better to take a local low paid job, sell up and go do something else or go back on to the hamster wheel.... My mind maps and spreadsheets grow as I wrestle with the options, the pros and the cons and the ups and the downs.
It's a funny thing that half way through the day I suddenly remembered that I'd been ill and that I ought to place a risk into my thinking about what would happen if I got ill again. That's pretty negative but I suppose I need to consider that especially as Bladder Cancer can come back and bite you when you least expect it so there's a new bit in my calculations that perhaps wonders whether stress and the bad habits you get into would add to that worry and increase the chances.
You can't mitigate for every eventuality but you do need a Plan B and Plan C in case something like this occurs. I see more of this sort of analysis going on in future...
It is quite a messy argument going on about whether it is better to take a local low paid job, sell up and go do something else or go back on to the hamster wheel.... My mind maps and spreadsheets grow as I wrestle with the options, the pros and the cons and the ups and the downs.
It's a funny thing that half way through the day I suddenly remembered that I'd been ill and that I ought to place a risk into my thinking about what would happen if I got ill again. That's pretty negative but I suppose I need to consider that especially as Bladder Cancer can come back and bite you when you least expect it so there's a new bit in my calculations that perhaps wonders whether stress and the bad habits you get into would add to that worry and increase the chances.
You can't mitigate for every eventuality but you do need a Plan B and Plan C in case something like this occurs. I see more of this sort of analysis going on in future...
Go AWAY cold
My cold is hanging around and the cough and blocked nose are still there but I don't feel ill. Trying to shake it off is difficult though and annoying as I just want it gone.
I've spent the day doing catch up on some accounting stuff, doing my tax return and generally getting sorted out. Not much of a tax return as I've been paid nothing this year :-)
I've not heard back from the Hospital so hope that is good news and I've been taking my BP readings which are acceptable and so have to visit the nurse on Thursday - let's hope that my readings then are a little lower this time.
I've a visit from the auditors tomorrow to look at my accounts and I hope they find them in order - it will be useful as they can be presented on time for the first time in years.
I've spent the day doing catch up on some accounting stuff, doing my tax return and generally getting sorted out. Not much of a tax return as I've been paid nothing this year :-)
I've not heard back from the Hospital so hope that is good news and I've been taking my BP readings which are acceptable and so have to visit the nurse on Thursday - let's hope that my readings then are a little lower this time.
I've a visit from the auditors tomorrow to look at my accounts and I hope they find them in order - it will be useful as they can be presented on time for the first time in years.
Monday, April 23, 2012
St. George's Day
Flocky Bicep and another friend are off to the ST. George's Day bash in London. It's a great day out but I really didn't want to go this year. Next week is wall to wall eating and drinking and I'm dreading that. I'm also not sure that Mrs. F. will be too impressed with me spending out a large sum of cash on booze especially when I've told her that I've just worked for 2 years (without earning anything) and that I've got to go and so something else for a living :-) So diet and the savings in not sending in the UN to keep the peace in the household means that I've declined the offer as much as I'd like to go.
So - Monday morning of the last week of real work on the business and by the end of the week we will have enough in place to close things down in around 3 or 4 weeks time. I see emails have gone out this morning kicking things off. It is a bit of a sad day but there you go, if the market isn't ready for us then maybe later on? All the work is complete and archived - backed up and ready to be dusted off at any time and we are awaiting the final responses that we aren't expecting to be positive and will then play one last card and see if we can sell the idea on. If we can - great - if not, well we moth ball everything and review it every 6 months or so I guess.
So - Monday morning of the last week of real work on the business and by the end of the week we will have enough in place to close things down in around 3 or 4 weeks time. I see emails have gone out this morning kicking things off. It is a bit of a sad day but there you go, if the market isn't ready for us then maybe later on? All the work is complete and archived - backed up and ready to be dusted off at any time and we are awaiting the final responses that we aren't expecting to be positive and will then play one last card and see if we can sell the idea on. If we can - great - if not, well we moth ball everything and review it every 6 months or so I guess.
Cheat day reprised
The problem with cheat day is that you indulge all your forbidden foods and that's fine - you can see why but I also wonder whether it also makes you not want to do it eventually. This morning I woke up and the very last thing I wanted to do was to eat. I forced myself to have breakfast and lunch too. This evening I had a bigger portion of vegetables and legumes as I'm pretty certain that eating these larger portions is better having now re-read the book. Counter intuitive, well yes, but the stuff you are eating is much lower in terms of calories than you are used to so filling yourself up is more a matter of getting close to what you are used to.
Whatever it is, I feel a lot better about myself and was really pleased to go out and actually look slim. On Saturday night I was able to sport one of my really nice Hawe and Curtis shirts and I haven't been able to fit into those for 3 years I guess. They really are nice shirts and have just been sat in the wardrobe waiting for me to slim back into them.
I've been looking at different ideas for what to do with myself in the future. I've been running the pros and cons of running a traditional English tea room. There is one for sale on the Kent / Sussex border that looks great and in a Sussex style roofed property. It looks great but of course these sorts of things are hard work. Not that hard work is the worry but there's also all the work / life balance stuff too. So each opportunity has to pass a series of tests that include money, life style and so on. This one is in the balance as it would encroach on my present lifestyle but then it would give me a living and plenty of leisure time too. On the other hand I'd probably miss my local friends and my hobbies. So weighing up all of these things on a case by case basis is essential. I find myself drawn to a country lifestyle but I need to be certain that I can live like that - it isn't as idyllic as it looks or sounds. You'd have to drag me kicking and screaming to live where my parents and my brother live - that's way out in the country and has its own problems.
Life is interesting at the moment - I've not felt too angry or too sad about the end of the 2 year adventure but I'm really beginning to question what I "really" want out of life and whether or not I truly want to continue in the rat race or whether selling up and moving on is viable. For me it is but there are three other people that need to be considered too. I remember all too well the impact that moving away had on me when I was 19 / 20 years old and also when I was 10 when my parents moved us out of London and I'd think twice before impacting the children (hardly that any-more).
Whatever it is, I feel a lot better about myself and was really pleased to go out and actually look slim. On Saturday night I was able to sport one of my really nice Hawe and Curtis shirts and I haven't been able to fit into those for 3 years I guess. They really are nice shirts and have just been sat in the wardrobe waiting for me to slim back into them.
I've been looking at different ideas for what to do with myself in the future. I've been running the pros and cons of running a traditional English tea room. There is one for sale on the Kent / Sussex border that looks great and in a Sussex style roofed property. It looks great but of course these sorts of things are hard work. Not that hard work is the worry but there's also all the work / life balance stuff too. So each opportunity has to pass a series of tests that include money, life style and so on. This one is in the balance as it would encroach on my present lifestyle but then it would give me a living and plenty of leisure time too. On the other hand I'd probably miss my local friends and my hobbies. So weighing up all of these things on a case by case basis is essential. I find myself drawn to a country lifestyle but I need to be certain that I can live like that - it isn't as idyllic as it looks or sounds. You'd have to drag me kicking and screaming to live where my parents and my brother live - that's way out in the country and has its own problems.
Life is interesting at the moment - I've not felt too angry or too sad about the end of the 2 year adventure but I'm really beginning to question what I "really" want out of life and whether or not I truly want to continue in the rat race or whether selling up and moving on is viable. For me it is but there are three other people that need to be considered too. I remember all too well the impact that moving away had on me when I was 19 / 20 years old and also when I was 10 when my parents moved us out of London and I'd think twice before impacting the children (hardly that any-more).
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Prolonged Cheat Day
It was a bit difficult to get out of it really. Last night was my friend's and my Christmas present - a meal at a Gastro Pub and very nice it was too - a bit quaint and they were mobbed out but the food was excellent as was the beer. Today is official cheat day and I "suppose" I could have stopped last night and had yesterday as a cheat day but I'm out again tonight so decided to just go over by the extra meal allowing me to recommence tomorrow.
I was able to parade my flatter stomach last night in a shirt that didn't struggle to pop the buttons and a par of trousers easily 2" too big for my waist. I'm below 16 stone now and that's so encouraging. I hope to continue that sort of progress but the week after next is an absolute nightmare - 5 events in 5 days :-( I will just have to take it easy and try and pick my way through the minefield on that week. Probably best to write it off and start again the week after.
I'm still coughing for England here! Also found for certain the problem with my PC - one of the 2 500GB hard drives has failed - unfortunately the main operating system one but the second one has the recovery partition and so with any luck I'll be able to sort that out. I may take advantage of the ability to remove data if the drive still works enough. I've ordered a new drive and so hope that when that comes I can swap one out and re-build it. It certainly saves me having to purchase a new pc...... Mind you it's taken 3 weeks or more to diagnose that.
I was able to parade my flatter stomach last night in a shirt that didn't struggle to pop the buttons and a par of trousers easily 2" too big for my waist. I'm below 16 stone now and that's so encouraging. I hope to continue that sort of progress but the week after next is an absolute nightmare - 5 events in 5 days :-( I will just have to take it easy and try and pick my way through the minefield on that week. Probably best to write it off and start again the week after.
I'm still coughing for England here! Also found for certain the problem with my PC - one of the 2 500GB hard drives has failed - unfortunately the main operating system one but the second one has the recovery partition and so with any luck I'll be able to sort that out. I may take advantage of the ability to remove data if the drive still works enough. I've ordered a new drive and so hope that when that comes I can swap one out and re-build it. It certainly saves me having to purchase a new pc...... Mind you it's taken 3 weeks or more to diagnose that.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Coughing for England
If it were an Olympic sport I'd be chosen. It sounds as if I am on 60 cigarettes a day at the moment, hopefully the meds will kick in soon. At least my head is clear and I'm less bunged up. I actually feel pretty good too so that is a plus.
I thought I'd stopped loosing weight but I notice that I'm around 15 stone 12 or thereabouts at the moment which is another good drop. It's funny but I felt I'd lost some weight this week - it is difficult to quantify how I could do that but I guess it is feelings of looseness of clothes and also my face has changed the flabby bits around by neck appear to have gone. I imagine being ill curbed my diet a bit too.
Anyway, at least I'm on the road to recovery and also losing weight continues which I am pleased about.
I thought I'd stopped loosing weight but I notice that I'm around 15 stone 12 or thereabouts at the moment which is another good drop. It's funny but I felt I'd lost some weight this week - it is difficult to quantify how I could do that but I guess it is feelings of looseness of clothes and also my face has changed the flabby bits around by neck appear to have gone. I imagine being ill curbed my diet a bit too.
Anyway, at least I'm on the road to recovery and also losing weight continues which I am pleased about.
Getting There
I'm glad I didn't go to the meeting this evening - I'd have been coughing and sneezing and sniffing and spluttering and you know what it is like when you try not to, you just make it worse. A good sleep in the afternoon set me up and some more meds means I'm now ready to hit bed and see how I am in the morning.
I have to say that I've found this cold quite debilitating mainly because of the headache that is going along with it!
Tomorrow I hope to be feeling a bit better as it is the day of my Christmas treat/gift from the girls and they are taking me to a Gastro Pub. So that will mean I will need to have an early cheat day unless I can find something that suits my diet. I kind of doubt they will have anything like that and we are also out Saturday so the diet will just have to take a back seat for a day. In a further weeks time I have a major problem. I'm out for 6 days out of 7 at various functions one after the other with little choice over menus and so will very probably just have to abandon the diet for that week.
I'm doing quite well on the diet and have managed to maintain it pretty much these past 4 or 5 weeks. I'm hovering around 16 stone though and need to work on dropping some more. I think I must be doing something wrong at the moment and so will re-read the FAQs and see what it may be. Mind you I can see big improvements in my blood pressure and general well being (except this cold) so it seems to be working well up to a point.
I have to say that I've found this cold quite debilitating mainly because of the headache that is going along with it!
Tomorrow I hope to be feeling a bit better as it is the day of my Christmas treat/gift from the girls and they are taking me to a Gastro Pub. So that will mean I will need to have an early cheat day unless I can find something that suits my diet. I kind of doubt they will have anything like that and we are also out Saturday so the diet will just have to take a back seat for a day. In a further weeks time I have a major problem. I'm out for 6 days out of 7 at various functions one after the other with little choice over menus and so will very probably just have to abandon the diet for that week.
I'm doing quite well on the diet and have managed to maintain it pretty much these past 4 or 5 weeks. I'm hovering around 16 stone though and need to work on dropping some more. I think I must be doing something wrong at the moment and so will re-read the FAQs and see what it may be. Mind you I can see big improvements in my blood pressure and general well being (except this cold) so it seems to be working well up to a point.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Yuk - I hate colds
I suppose we all do but I really could do without one right now. I've cancelled tonight's meeting and I'm meant to be going out tomorrow and Saturday as well.
I can at least feel the cold "coming out" now so that's something but could do without the coughing and sneezing and sore throat. Another day of rest and cold and flu drugs should, I hope, clear this up as I have work to get on with and this isn't really helping matters.
All I really want to do is to lie down and do nothing. That sounds like a plan to me.
I can at least feel the cold "coming out" now so that's something but could do without the coughing and sneezing and sore throat. Another day of rest and cold and flu drugs should, I hope, clear this up as I have work to get on with and this isn't really helping matters.
All I really want to do is to lie down and do nothing. That sounds like a plan to me.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Yuk
Oh great - I had a reasonable night's sleep and lay in as I felt so tired but forced myself up and had breakfast, flu powders and I'm in full mode, sneezing, coughing, sore throat and nose, headache from hell, you know the sort of thing. Sneezing feels like my head is coming off and half the contents are about to come out :-( I've made a decision to just go down stairs at lunchtime and take the rest of the day off. I've also made a decision to not go to a meeting tomorrow (why give myself the pressure) and pass on my apologies and some instructions to the team to sort things out for me.
There's isn't anything left for me to do on the business front until Friday and so I can just keep a watching brief over things. Whoever had this cold on Saturday - and gave it to me - I'd like to thank them for it! What a nice gift! Talking of which, I must write up something about my brother and the wedding one day. Family events bring out the very worst in families.
There's isn't anything left for me to do on the business front until Friday and so I can just keep a watching brief over things. Whoever had this cold on Saturday - and gave it to me - I'd like to thank them for it! What a nice gift! Talking of which, I must write up something about my brother and the wedding one day. Family events bring out the very worst in families.
Oh Great - a cold
I don't often get a cold but this has been coming along since probably picking it up on Saturday at the wedding - it really came out this evening and so I'm feeling not so great and sore throat, sneezing and coughing. I hadn't realised quite how bad it was until I spoke to a friend who mentioned how rough I sounded.
Blast it - I really don't need this right now I can tell you. I certainly don't need the headache that's going along with this either.
I've taken plenty of meds during the day but to no avail and so I'll see if the last lot will do anything overnight. I certainly hope so.
Blast it - I really don't need this right now I can tell you. I certainly don't need the headache that's going along with this either.
I've taken plenty of meds during the day but to no avail and so I'll see if the last lot will do anything overnight. I certainly hope so.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Strange Cold Like thing
Someone suggested that it might be Hay Fever - a bit strange as it is damp and wet and has been for days so surprised if it is. It hasn't got worse but I definitely have a sore throat and that horrible back of nose / throat feeling. I've washed down a few paracetamol to see if that will help - it feels eased and at least it isn't getting any worse at the moment.
I think I may cancel tonight's trip out so I don't give this to the lads. Today is perhaps the first of the run down to closing the business. I've made up the accounts and submitted them and that's about the lot I have to do this week apart from a few emails. I'm recovering my files from my cloud storage and synchronising software (thank goodness I did that). I'm a bit worried now about my music files so may "invest" in storing those off site too.
I think I may cancel tonight's trip out so I don't give this to the lads. Today is perhaps the first of the run down to closing the business. I've made up the accounts and submitted them and that's about the lot I have to do this week apart from a few emails. I'm recovering my files from my cloud storage and synchronising software (thank goodness I did that). I'm a bit worried now about my music files so may "invest" in storing those off site too.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Signs of a cold
The more observant of you may know that I don't get many colds or illnesses. I've thought this was part of the regime of Immunotherapy that I had. RIght now though I've got that back of the nose/throat dry sting that sort of suggests a cold is on its way and a very feint headache (again something I don't normally get). So, I've had this all day and thought it was the journey or the party but maybe I've picked this up from someone at the wedding?
I certainly hope that it doesn't develop further than I have now though - I could do without a cold right now.
I certainly hope that it doesn't develop further than I have now though - I could do without a cold right now.
Not Just Me
It is an interesting thing that my co-founder of the business is likewise feeling "very strange". It's not surprising really; we wanted to move on the idea and make a difference in people's lives and our objectives can only be achieved now if we can raise significant finance. That isn't about to happen any time soon in many ways because the will and the money isn't around. It's actually the right time to invest but the markets are so badly affected that many are like wounded animals - some fatally so we think as their returns are abysmal.
We fluctuate in what we want to do and being employed and self-employed and working for someone other than ourselves again. It's pretty hard to go into a place where you've got such wide ranging skills and experiences and just be one of the team. It is going to be a difficult transition.
We have worked out what we need to do now and have some dates in mind to resolve the last few outstanding things before we get ourselves to switch off the various switches and turn off the lights. We will be leaving a night light on - just in case but we are also resolved to that being the end of it and whilst it may be able to be rejuvenated later - we cannot base our future on "ifs, and what and buts" so need to move on. Many people think we are barking mad but that's because they couldn't commit to the journey we have made either financially or indeed intellectually and so we spend a lot of time reassuring people other than ourselves of our reasoning and decisions - strange old world - like cancer - I spent more time re-assuring other people that I'd be all right than worrying if I WAS going to be all right!
I'm happier (a bit) than I was earlier but know that I'll be in and out of this for some time yet. Difficult times ahead but then its not as if it is life threatening or anything like that - one of the things I need to have learnt from having cancer is that whatever else I feel may be important like this really isn't as important as having your health and the ability to enjoy it. Millions of people are far worse off than me and I just need to remind myself occasionally that things aren't that bad at all. I'm still here and I'm well.
We fluctuate in what we want to do and being employed and self-employed and working for someone other than ourselves again. It's pretty hard to go into a place where you've got such wide ranging skills and experiences and just be one of the team. It is going to be a difficult transition.
We have worked out what we need to do now and have some dates in mind to resolve the last few outstanding things before we get ourselves to switch off the various switches and turn off the lights. We will be leaving a night light on - just in case but we are also resolved to that being the end of it and whilst it may be able to be rejuvenated later - we cannot base our future on "ifs, and what and buts" so need to move on. Many people think we are barking mad but that's because they couldn't commit to the journey we have made either financially or indeed intellectually and so we spend a lot of time reassuring people other than ourselves of our reasoning and decisions - strange old world - like cancer - I spent more time re-assuring other people that I'd be all right than worrying if I WAS going to be all right!
I'm happier (a bit) than I was earlier but know that I'll be in and out of this for some time yet. Difficult times ahead but then its not as if it is life threatening or anything like that - one of the things I need to have learnt from having cancer is that whatever else I feel may be important like this really isn't as important as having your health and the ability to enjoy it. Millions of people are far worse off than me and I just need to remind myself occasionally that things aren't that bad at all. I'm still here and I'm well.
Not a nice place to be
Inside my head at the moment. Feel a little bit down and a little bit indecisive, not quite myself at all. It feels as if dad's situation has caught up with me, the realisation that a little later today we will prepare to shut down the business or take steps to close down the effort and so there's a number of things that need to be done. I suppose it has an "end of life" feel to it so inevitably there'll be some sort of grieving going on and there's a lot to do. Write to all the interested parties (the relatives), some sort of event (the funeral), some grieving first followed by some sort of celebration and then reflection. Given the current situation with my dad, the parallels are marked.
Of course it isn't exactly the same but it has been my life for 2 years and so it is hard to let it go. But let it go I have to as there is no way you can continue if the money isn't there and as we have found, if the ability to think "outside of the box" isn't there. It is astounding to me that the vast majority of people I've met don't think differently and can't see that innovation is about mixing stuff up and shaking industries up. It is a terrible shame but that's where we are and that's what we've found. Even the people empowered to find a solution haven't even wanted to hear what we propose to solve the problem they've been tasked with solving. But then like many of the Government set-up organisations they are probably not meant to find a solution to the problem but just to show that the Government are dealing with it which is a different thing altogether.
The next few weeks will be hectic as we agreed to shut things down quite fast. This allows us to declare a clean break and to move on ourselves, taking as long as we each need to make up our minds about what to do next. For me it isn't a case of jumping into anything too fast, I need some time to think it through and to make a decision. For some reason there's a lot of dark and heavy thoughts coming in around my decision and I'll no doubt write those down as I go through that process. These range from selling up and shipping out somewhere miles away through to going back into the rat race I was in before and all the associated things that may happen in between. It's not going to be easy but then I'd be fooling myself if I thought it would be.
Like so many of these things, I can see where the problem is, I know it is temporary and I just need to work my way around to it.
On the up side, whilst my weight loss has slowed a fair bit, I am feeling a lot better my Blood Pressure is really good, perhaps as good as at the peak of my exercising activities about a year ago. I intend to look at some exercises this week that will help me to lose a bit more and maybe they will help me. I also need to work on ways of being more active during the day to also assist this.
Of course it isn't exactly the same but it has been my life for 2 years and so it is hard to let it go. But let it go I have to as there is no way you can continue if the money isn't there and as we have found, if the ability to think "outside of the box" isn't there. It is astounding to me that the vast majority of people I've met don't think differently and can't see that innovation is about mixing stuff up and shaking industries up. It is a terrible shame but that's where we are and that's what we've found. Even the people empowered to find a solution haven't even wanted to hear what we propose to solve the problem they've been tasked with solving. But then like many of the Government set-up organisations they are probably not meant to find a solution to the problem but just to show that the Government are dealing with it which is a different thing altogether.
The next few weeks will be hectic as we agreed to shut things down quite fast. This allows us to declare a clean break and to move on ourselves, taking as long as we each need to make up our minds about what to do next. For me it isn't a case of jumping into anything too fast, I need some time to think it through and to make a decision. For some reason there's a lot of dark and heavy thoughts coming in around my decision and I'll no doubt write those down as I go through that process. These range from selling up and shipping out somewhere miles away through to going back into the rat race I was in before and all the associated things that may happen in between. It's not going to be easy but then I'd be fooling myself if I thought it would be.
Like so many of these things, I can see where the problem is, I know it is temporary and I just need to work my way around to it.
On the up side, whilst my weight loss has slowed a fair bit, I am feeling a lot better my Blood Pressure is really good, perhaps as good as at the peak of my exercising activities about a year ago. I intend to look at some exercises this week that will help me to lose a bit more and maybe they will help me. I also need to work on ways of being more active during the day to also assist this.
Wow - mixed feelings
A few days away, saw dad - he's his usual cheery self but there's some loaded comments when we chat. He does look grey and drawn which isn't a surprise really. I managed to speak a bit to Mrs. F. about "futures" and that was interesting. We even discussed selling the house and moving off somewhere if necessary.
Then it was my cousin's wedding - very nice affair and everyone had a good time and then back here in time to see the re-run of the Chinese Grand Prix which was excellent.
However, I have some serious mood problems tonight - very moody and dark thoughts and stuff passing across my mind about dad and work and life in general. It's all obviously connected and it is just a matter of spending some time resolving these issues and working them through. I really wished that I'd have had a few days to sort out the accounts too and fear that they may prove to be a little too difficult to get resolved for later in the week. I just must get around to doing things on my to-do listing like go to the Doctors and so on. At the moment I'm in a bit of a not doing rut - so just need to snap myself into action.
Then it was my cousin's wedding - very nice affair and everyone had a good time and then back here in time to see the re-run of the Chinese Grand Prix which was excellent.
However, I have some serious mood problems tonight - very moody and dark thoughts and stuff passing across my mind about dad and work and life in general. It's all obviously connected and it is just a matter of spending some time resolving these issues and working them through. I really wished that I'd have had a few days to sort out the accounts too and fear that they may prove to be a little too difficult to get resolved for later in the week. I just must get around to doing things on my to-do listing like go to the Doctors and so on. At the moment I'm in a bit of a not doing rut - so just need to snap myself into action.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Off to see dad
On my way to cousin's wedding will pop in and see dad and see how he is getting along. It's probably going to be a shock for me as I haven' seen him for a while and no doubt I'll see a big change where those around him will have seen a more gradual change.
Will probably only spend the afternoon with the folks before heading off towards the Lincoln / Louth area and staying overnight in a Hotel there then heading on for the wedding another 20 miles or so north of that. At least it will be cheat day on the wedding day so looking forward to being able to indulge on that day.
Will probably only spend the afternoon with the folks before heading off towards the Lincoln / Louth area and staying overnight in a Hotel there then heading on for the wedding another 20 miles or so north of that. At least it will be cheat day on the wedding day so looking forward to being able to indulge on that day.
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