Sad

It's late - I should be in bed but I'm sad and I'm reflective.  I'm listening to the album "Nude" by Camel - it's one of my all time favourites but I'm not feeling great at the moment and this reflects my mood in a way.


The album is a concept one about a Japanese soldier who was marooned on an island after the second world war.  Based on a true story it has some wonderful passages and great guitar solos.  


It isn't really helping me much and draws me into a sort of sombre mood.  I love the music but it makes me reflective and tearful.   However, it is "just right" at the moment as it captures my feelings extremely well.


I'm in a very strange place right now.  Yesterday the last piece fell into place and suddenly I'm back in the market and I just don't know where I actually want to be be.  I have many ideas and lots of experience but I haven't resolved in my self what I want to do going forward.  Life is now screwing with my head.   I don't really know what I want to do for the 2nd or 3rd time since Bladder Cancer came knocking at my door, I'm trying to work out what it all means.


Faith comes into play once again as do many of the lessons I've learnt these past 3 or 4 years.  What do I do next?  What will "float my boat" and where does my future lie?


Here's the problem(s):

• What does my survival mean and how can I live but benefit others through it?
• I've committed lots of my time to a number of things that haven't actually happened - how do I feel about the wasted (or is it) effort?
• I've loads and loads of experience and ideas - will anyone actually "buy" these from me?
• Does anyone (apart from me) actually give a sh1t about what I want?
• Is it all about me or is it about my family? 

And on and on it goes  - I'm really back where I started 5 years ago in one respect - in terms of money income to the family.  In other terms I'm so much richer in my head and in my attitude etc.  Unfortunately this great feeling stuff isn't materialising into hard cash and that is what I need to look after my family etc.  There's this balance between doing the right thing and doing the Right thing and I'm wrestling with that problem right now.


I'm very bad at talking this stuff through - I'm an INTJ - let's face it - what chance have I got???  


Oh well - things will work themselves out in the next month or so - as my friend told me tonight "it was such a brilliant idea and so way ahead of its time no wonder no one got it!"  It's still annoying as hell though.  

Life, The Universe and all that

I am free.  That's the end of my journey and things weren't mean't to be.  It is a damn shame and of course someone else will be the first to market and will come up with our idea eventually and we will be the Icarus of the idea.  Hell - what a shame, what a nuisance and what a waste (or is it)?


I've now got to do a lot of soul searching and a lot of working out what I want to do.  Tomorrow starts that process with some trusted colleagues and (no doubt) large quantities of Red Wine!


Let's see what the future holds for me now.  We've been here before and I've had adversity and crap thrown at me in spades, this is no different but this time, have I learnt from what I've lived through and can I turn it to my advantage?


WATCH THIS SPACE :-)

That's it - the game's up

Got the final confirmation that we aren't going to get investment just a few minutes ago.  That's disturbing and annoying, expected and settles the matter.  What a shame.


Many people have commented that they have never seen a more compelling proposition or such a well structured series of plans and financial projections and yet, despite all of that, the risks are too great and the market so depressed that you just can't get the money unless, of course, you fit a very narrow, well publicised, photofit of what is needed.  Unfortunately we aren't likely to ever fit that profile.  I'm not as fed up as I thought I'd be but then we prepared for this as well as the opposite by making ourselves examine the prospect some time ago.  


Ironically the agency tasked with solving the digital divide in the UK were away at a brainstorming session today.  It's a bit of a shame that they didn't even want to talk to us about what we have considering they are trying to find an answer and we've got it :-)  It's amazing how Ironic Irony can be sometimes......  Maybe they'll reconsider and come talk to us, they happily talk to people with makeshift short-term solutions.  But there you go, it sounds like sour grapes and is a bit but then there's been a lot to learn on this journey.


Prime learning - most people we've met are programmed to tackle problems in a certain way and  do not think outside of the box at all.  We have such a radical answer that many people don't get it at all.  It is probably not their fault but it is surprising that so many people were completely off beam and kept relating us back to their comfort levels.  The trouble is that even after having been thinking outside of the box ourselves, it is all so easy to go back into thinking like the rest of the world in a linear way and using a narrow set of facts to base ideas and actions on.


I think that we might indeed advance shutting things down from Friday week to later this week given that we now have our final result. 


A bit sad considering all the millions of people who cannot get on-line and despite what Governments and their departments say, they don't actually appear to give a toss about them.  

Oh Dear Sleep - Again

I haven't been having sleeping problems for a long time now and thought all was back to normal with vivid dreams and feeling relaxed and rested but the last few days have seen the insomnia type conditions re-appear and finding myself laying in or going back to sleep rather than getting up.  I'm pretty certain that a lot of this is down to working into the evenings thinking about what I want to do and yesterday I was on the PC all day doing research and writing things down.  My mind was overly active and it took ages to get to sleep.


I think I will try and address that this week if I can but I'm out late for the next three nights :-(  


My Dad is showing signs for some concern and is having far more bad days than good now.  He is beginning to feel a bit sorry for himself but still wont have the specialist nurses into see him.  I think he just isn't accepting the situation which is concerning to us but of course it is his decision and his mind is still fine so only he will know when to do this.  


I've pulled off my calendar / diary for the next few months so I can see when I can get up to see him.  May is a very bad month as I have lots of things on throughout the month and something every weekend.  This week I'm out three nights and two afternoons plus Saturday.  This is when I have little to do :-)


Next week is the crunch date for my business as if we haven't heard by Thursday week we will shut things down and so I guess one thing will go out of my life and we will scale right back and just do some odds and ends to tidy up and then work on what we want to do next.  


At least that is out of the way and I'll have time to myself without going through the motions as we are at the moment.  Professional to the end :-)  I think we will draw the line at going down with the ship - what's the point in that?


Still happy with the diet and now just want to bust down through the 15 stone weight and see if I can get below 15.  I'm managing to keep to the diet extremely well and over the next few days I've got a few more "testers" but I should be OK as I can choose what to eat tomorrow and just be circumspect about what I eat on Thursday - a 5 course banquet though so there are bound to be some dangers hidden in that :-)  Saturday is cheat day so I can enjoy myself and not worry.

A Very Quiet Day

It was a very strange day indeed as both girls are away.  It was very quiet and as it threw it down with rain intermittently we spent the day in the house.  Strange how the day went, I spent the day working on the computer and picking my way through ideas on things to do to turn a buck.  Have to say I also secured some twitter and blog accounts just in case I go down one of the routes.


The next thing to do is to start to formulate my ideas and see what I really want to do in the future.  There are a lot of things I'd like to do but of course, some are great ideas but hardly practicable and a few I think would take me 6 to 9 months to bring to fruition.  


So what I have now are a series of small business plans to do some high level tests on whether they might be worth doing.  It takes a little while to do each but at least this gives me a quick idea of whether or not it makes sense.

Damn photos

They don't lie do they?  Well maybe.  But just saw a few photos of myself and whilst you can see I've lost a fair bit I still look like a blimp and so that's spurred me on to the next phase.  2 Stone down and I wonder if I can get down a further 2 Stone?  


I'm back on the diet and still feel good.  Probably the best news is the dramatic drop off in blood pressure which is great.  I was already on a downwards trend but this diet seems to have to nailed it to around the 130 over 90 mark and below which should keep my doctor happy.  Once again, the loss of weight also appears to have settled that down and here's another interesting thing.  I noticed down the week that I'm not so breathless and wasn't so affected by being in a crowded place although I doubt that I am completely clear of that.  What it must be is that I'm not carting around all that weight and so breathing is easier and I just feel that much better.  


It is surprising how much better I feel and so continuing with the diet is a no brainer.  

Back on Track

Not too much damage done by the looks of it but I do struggle the day after cheat day to start back onto the diet.  Not, as you may suspect, through not wanting to at all but more so from the jolt that the cheat day gives the system I really don't fancy eating anything at all, I need to force myself to eat.  You really must eat within 1 hour of waking and it is pretty important to do that too as the weight loss works best when you do.  The very last thing I wanted to do was eat but I did force myself to do that.


Once that was done the rest of the day fell into place and I was able to sort that out.  It is a strange thing indeed but the cheat day really does mess my system up and the excesses of that day really do shock the system - I could feel it especially the hit from sugary things - it really make my body wonder what on earth has happened to it.


This week too is a challenge but I think I can stay on track pretty much but once again there are three meal out - one mercifully is on Saturday so I will enjoy that to its full.

Home Thoughts, from Abroad

Came and sprang into my mind:


Robert Browning

Home Thoughts, from Abroad

O, TO be in England
Now that April 's there,
And whoever wakes in England
Sees, some morning, unaware,
That the lowest boughs and the brushwood sheaf
Round the elm-tree bole are in tiny leaf,
While the chaffinch sings on the orchard bough
In England—now!

And after April, when May follows,
And the whitethroat builds, and all the swallows!
Hark, where my blossom'd pear-tree in the hedge
Leans to the field and scatters on the clover
Blossoms and dewdrops—at the bent spray's edge—
That 's the wise thrush; he sings each song twice over,
Lest you should think he never could recapture
The first fine careless rapture!
And though the fields look rough with hoary dew,
All will be gay when noontide wakes anew
The buttercups, the little children's dower
—Far brighter than this gaudy melon-flower!

And then this also remembered.  Happy days way back to school days and my teenage years:

I have no idea why that should be but there you go.  Both are rather nice I hope you'll agree.  

Nice Day Out

I think I did pretty well today not having a beer, sticking to my Red Wine but the meal itself was pre-loaded on the plate and so I succumbed to a few roast potatoes and as I was having cheese anyway I just took the hit.  I have a meal tomorrow and a party on Saturday and so I've decided to try to keep as much as possible to the diet tomorrow until the evening and just go for a cheat Friday to Saturday night.  Sunday I will start again on the diet although I still have challenges now for Wednesday and Thursday of next week I should be able to "manage" those better than this week.


My dad's getting a little worse each day at the moment and to add to his woes his eyes are getting bad and so he probably needs to get an electric razor as he finds concentrating wet shaving difficult.  I do feel for him because his mind is fine, it is just his body letting go that is hard to take and he gets very down because he cannot undertake even simple tasks without needing help.  He had a little collapse - more like a slumping to the ground - and he had to be helped up by mum.  It's not fair is it?  


Had a talk about Dementia today at our meeting very interesting stuff and interesting views on what the future holds.  Sometimes I wonder if it were better that the mind be turned off before having to contemplate your own mortality and your inevitable destiny.  I know that I had to do that early on but learnt quite soon that maybe, just maybe, I'd be able to survive given my age and whilst it was very serious, things could be done.  In my dad's case, there's not a lot more they can do and I still don't think he acknowledges that it might be useful to get some professionals involved so that they can prepare the way for him to come to terms with it.


As you know dear reader, I'm not that close to him to have the conversation myself, indeed I don't recall any conversation regarding feelings or emotions ever having entered out circle of interaction.  That may appear sad to you but that's the way it has always been and I know no different so in a way what's happening now could only happen this way.  I do talk to close friends far more about these things and to fellow sufferers perhaps even more so as it helps to explore some of the stuff that happens and to recount how we felt, how we reacted, how we get over things etc.

Day 4 of 6

Today, off to London again and another formal meal.  I've had a high protein breakfast and I'm contemplating going out in the rain to the station and up to London.  I've got almost an identical meal to last night except I've Smoked Salmon to Start but the main course and Cheese were choices from some time ago.


I don't aim to be there for too long before the meal itself and will come home straight afterwards.


At least I'm not out until Friday night thereafter!  What a week. 

Diet shot to pieces

Intentionally I realise that I cannot stick exactly to what I want to do as there is always some sort of compromise.  Today was one of them and I specifically worked on that basis.  I did have a high protein slow carb brunch but didn't eat until tonight and that at around 8:15 - the soup was lovely but must have contained some cream or milk and the roast beef was great as were the vegetables but a Yorkshire Pudding and Potatoes were there too and I had pre-ordered Cheese and Biscuits months ago.  


I have however stuck to red wine as my main drink throughout.  I will probably go for beer on Friday night and extend my cheat day through to Saturday.  In fact more like cheat week if I'm honest.  Next week I have two more events to go to but hopefully that is where it stops.

Exhausted

Was pretty exhausted this morning after getting in late and then just not feeling like I wanted to get up at all.  Finally pulled myself out of bed for Lunch (brunch) and had a high protein one but will wait until I eat again tonight at around 8 pm.


It was an interesting day yesterday and I was on my feet for quite a while.  The day went very well and I just gave up any idea of avoiding carbs although it was only very small and the sweet course was apple tart and I had that too.  Mind you having spent a lot on the dinner thought I'd better eat my due.  Was only drinking red wine but ended up catching the second to last train home that ran late and on a loop line through engineering works.  Got home about 1:30 in the morning but hey ho - it wasn't raining and we had a good evening with some Canadian ladies who were on holiday here.  What we forgot was that late license in London so it was around midnight we grabbed a taxi back to the station :-)


I was sat here a moment ago and took my Blood Pressure and was pleased to see that was low and I'm hoping that the odd of piste parts of my diet this week don't overly affect me too much.  The problem is that I have wall to wall meals from now until Saturday night and can only influence a few breakfasts myself - everything else is provided by someone else.  As long as I'm not stupid and go way off beam and make sure that things are done in moderation - I'm sure it will be OK although I may not lose any weight as such. 

I forgot to add

That is is also our Anniversary on Wednesday and I'm out.  I tend to have this problem every year as these meetings are all planned for the first week in May and sometimes it just falls like that.


At least I have bought a card which is already here!  


I've had to buy a new tie for tomorrow, my other one was captured as a trophy by some Scottish Masons during an "interesting" meeting some time ago.  As I'm "on parade" and working tomorrow I had better have one.  So another £15 spent.


Had some interesting conversation today about "the future" and what I want to do going forward.  It is interesting that people are still full of advice but a bit short on delivering the goods and that will be interesting when I meet them next week.  We will have a long and interesting discussion and maybe, just maybe I'll start to get some clarity on what I want to do.  It always seems to me that lots of people have good advice and ideas but I will be interested to see if I can do the Jerry Maguire - "Show me the money!" :-)  


I am beginning to form some key thoughts now around what I need to do in terms or what the outcomes probably need to be but there are some key questions which need answering and they aren't straight forward.  By that I mean that there may be some tough questions and there may be some divergence of ideologies :-)  The Bladder Cancer did some major shifting in my outlook and the last 6 years have all brought ideas and concepts, theories and practice, experimentation and results together to produce a different me.  I like that the lack of interest in what we are doing isn't a disappointment that requires a lot of mourning or navel gazing - the work we did, the attitude we have - the pragmatic approach means that it is what it is and it couldn't turn out much different given the time, circumstances and place (I sound a bit like Morpheus from the Matrix writing that!).  Damn I wish I'd taken the Blue Pill now!  :-)


But really what it comes down to is that I now have "an attitude" that reflects what I've learnt and what I've experienced, what I've read and how I've reacted to the disease.  My head is saying two things to me and the battle is between lifestyle and going back to how I was pre cancer - maybe a few years before then when I was at the peak of my powers and top of my game.  I'm probably strong enough physically and mentally to go back to that high powered, rather well paid but very demanding life.  Yet the other side of me is rebelling against it all, lifestyle, life, learning, low stress, doing what I want to do and enjoying that are the counterpoint.  Life just got interesting in another way and suddenly I have a relatively clean sheet of paper to work out what I want to do.


Or do I?


Lifestyle may actually mean giving up everything that went before and changing how things are and how they will be.  It may mean changing location and family and friends too will be impacted to greater and lesser extents.  Should you just go and do it for yourself and sod the consequences?  Many people do.  Do you stretch and strain friendships or do you rely on the strength of them to support the change.


It is going to be an interesting journey whatever happens.

A Week Full on

Often the beginning of May starts with a Bank Holiday (which we get next week).   So this week instead of 4 straight days of Masonic things going on I have 5.  That's right every day this week something is going on.  I'm out Monday night, all day Tuesday including evening, Wednesday afternoon and evening, all day Thursday and evening Friday too! 


Amazing!  But there you go - Mrs. F. is OK with that apparently!  We are also out Saturday night so I fully expect the diet to take a few wobbles along the way but I'm able to dance around the food stuff and can ask for more vegetables etc and refuse potatoes and so on.   I'm guessing there will be a few forbidden foods that may get past my guard but as long as I don't go mad I should be OK and it is difficult as there are 4 meals that are out of my control as to what is available.


Have to say that I'm pretty impressed with the diet so far.  Clothes wrap around me now and it is amusing to put on a shirt and have enough spare material to wrap over by a good 3 or 4 inches.  I'm quite pleased with the result and seeing the weight gone it encourages further participation in the diet and as Mrs. F. comments it is also cheap to feed me too.  We cook up the legumes and freeze sufficient for a day allowing me to pull a bag out a day and use them.  At 90p a bag we can get a full 7 days supply out of each which is pretty good economically if you think about it?  Eggs, Chicken and Spinach and Salad are also pretty inexpensive too so it all seems to work quite well on many fronts, economically, well-being and also health wise too.  My BP readings are nice and low and generally within the limits I set.  It would be nice to get them a few points lower but with more weight loss and a little more exercise, that should happen.  


So let's hope that I can keep with the programme and stick as near as possible this week to the diet - I know that will be difficult but I really don't want to end up back where I started which will be all the encouragement I need.

Yuk - Day After Cheat Day

Bad back yet again - what's wrong with me?  If it continues I may need to go and get this checked out - it is crazy the amount of back aches I get especially where they are really low down on my spine.  Let's hope it isn't anything serious.  Mind you the are increasing in frequency and this morning it was a real struggle getting up - in fact I just went back to sleep and tried got up late.


Then there was the next problem - by the time I'd gotten out of bed and had my morning medicine it was around 11a.m. and whilst I'm meant to eat within an hour of getting up it was a close run thing.  I just about managed some brunch around 11:45 and some cold water but it was all I could muster to actually eat it.  Sounds strange but I have so much and cheat day does tend to mean gorging out on all sorts of things you normally wouldn't have, even wanting to face food the next morning is difficult.


I just didn't feel hungry at all and I really had to force myself to eat.  This evening wasn't so bad but by then I was ready for a meal.  I'm still impressed at the weight loss so far and this week will be a tester and I know that I'm not going to dodge all the bullets coming my way - I will just have to take the best route through that I can.

One for Flocky

Mrs. F. & A went out earlier and I was left deciding what to do for the remainder of the day when Chris and Flocky called and suggested a beer at my local after they'd finished playing Golf.  As it is cheat day and BEER is ALLOWED :-) I jumped at the chance and had a great late lunchtime beer with the boys.  Was listening to this when I got home and thought - you know Flocky might like this? :-)

Nice guys - I really enjoyed getting out of the house saved me having to sit through DVDs all afternoon!

Decadence

Being totally decadent today :-)  Have had a proper slow carb breakfast and some ice cold water.  But now - coffee, with sweetener and milk plus a bag of Liquorice Allsorts!  That's for starters as Mrs. F. has gone to the Supermarket I have requested a doughnut (donut) and I'll be having some other forbidden foods today.  Not as many as last week but enough to shake down my system and make it wonder what on earth is going on.


Mrs. F. & A are out to a camp thing this afternoon - given the rain we've had I imagine it will be a mud bath for them.  I, on the other hand, will be happily indoors and will indulge in food madness for the rest of the day.


Next week is hectic - out every day next week and so I just need to be careful and maintain as far as possible my diet.  

Below 16

Stone that is - at last back into the right side of 16 stone, 15 stone 12 which is pretty much as it was a week ago but it has been this all week or thereabouts and so that is good.  It could be a less but the main thing is that in the 8 weeks or so since I seriously started to do take things seriously (after my previous blood pressure readings) I've lost around 2 stone which for me is pretty good.


I now need to bring some exercising disciplines back into the mix, I'm not doing any planned just when I remember or have time.  


I'm looking forward to cheat day tomorrow especially as I had a glut of chicken (not my favourite food) to consume - I finished that off last night and so can get onto something more interesting today.


All in all I'm actually feeling well overall.  Have twisted my back once again but that seems to be OK now.  That's twisting around repairing this computer and working on the other one at the same time (when will I ever learn?).


My business partner turned up yesterday and we had a chat about where we are and what comes next - it surprises me how calm and calculated we both are about it.  After all it is 2 years of our working lives that we've "given to the cause".  We still have a few cards to play out and perhaps something will happen from there but we are inclined to consider that wont happen.  


At the moment though I'm pleased that I'm still losing weight and feeling good.  I hope that I can lose a fair bit more and get down to a reasonable weight and then sustain it.  That will be the defining point, I reckon if you just continue the rules outlined you should be able to continue to lose weight to the point where it becomes routine and weight balances out.  I'm not there yet by any means - let's hope that I can be somewhere near there by the middle of the summer.  If I could lose another 2 or 3 stone I'd be impressed but think that anywhere near 14 stone would be good for me.

Tale of the monitor

Regular readers will know that I suffer acutely from "White Coat Syndrome" which sticks my blood pressure up a lot.  Today felt no different and I could feel my pulse racing but today I did a few things differently.  I had no coffee at all even when my business partner arrived unexpectedly and we went to Costa for a drink I had water.  The first blood pressure test was high but not overly so around 140 over 95 but the next two at 125 over 90 and 124 over 90 were by my standards remarkable.   I'm normally good for a lot higher than that.


We did chat a fair bit before doing the readings and I did my deep breathing exercise which also worked quite well as I could feel my pulse coming back into range.  Earlier in the day I checked my readings and got some as low as 107 over 80 which is excellent.  


The diet and losing 2 stone must have helped and the benefits are clear to see.  I didn't remember to have my Flax Seed and Flax Oil and Cottage Cheese earlier which annoyed me as that also helps I find.  Anyway, the good news is that I feel very well on this diet and whilst I occasionally get pangs of hunger I know that it is because I'm not eating quite enough at meal times.  I still only have three meals a day and the recommendation is four.  I shall try and work out how I can possibly do that.


Apparently my blood tests aren't due until June so a bit of a reprieve there then.  Whether or not I'll be able to string them out back to December will have to wait and see.

Here we are again

Back on the good old Sony PC.  It wasn't quite as painful as I was expecting - I suppose the good thing about having an image back up is that quite a bit of the work was already done and apart from having to update various software packages - it has taken just the morning to get me up and working to this level where I can actually write a blog, send emails, browse the internet etc.

The Synchronisation software immediately recognised the computer and that stuff was missing and is synchronising as I write - brilliant!

The blogger back up software needed reinstalling but the blogs were all backed into the cloud too.

I need to re do the gmail back up next - that should be fun :-)  It is nice to have the computer back and functioning though!  Phew.