Mmm Friday and Saturday

Friday was interesting I ended up bumping into an old friend and was horrified at how quickly he had slid into what I'd guess is early onset of dementia.  His memory is really bad mainly names of places and what he had done in hospital and all sorts of things like that.  It really is sad and I just hope that his daughters are doing something about it because it was quite worrying. He went off home and I was talking to some locals who were telling me all about it - I contacted my friend in the Lodge but there isn't much we can actually do to help really, it's just such a shame.

I ended up having a few drinks with the locals and my next door neighbour which meant I was completely tuckered out and so sleepy that I couldn't go out to the tribute evening that night that I'd invited people to go to!!!! Doh

Saturday went well and it was my first full meeting as Master of the Lodge, had many big wigs there too and it was just a great day out.  Very enjoyable.

Blat out for the count

Gosh, twice today (and yesterday) I've just fallen asleep at the drop of a hat and dozed away at my desk and in my chair.  It's been most strange and a sling back to the old days.  I think it has to be the medication and trying to get rid of this cold.

I could do without it as tomorrow I'm expecting a call and I'm out at a meeting and really don't want to sound like I've gargled with sand paper or be coughing but I certainly don't want to sound a bit sleepy and dopey either.  Mind you it is now gone 1 in the morning and I'm wide awake!  Doh.

I've had a better day today as I think that the possibility of working again - or perhaps the fact that I've got to open a dialogue with a potential employer - is just lifting my spirits as is getting over this cold.  

I should be at a big meeting in London tomorrow but that isn't going to happen unfortunately.  That's a shame but I want to be here for this local meet and to take this call.

I've done some digging around on building a back up system and that should come to fruition pretty soon, it is expensive but I think it will be a useful addition to the house so that none of us lose our data.  Of course I can't mitigate for flood or fire but there you go.  It is a quarter of the cost of going into the cloud (over a 5 year period) and so it makes economic sense to me.  The solution is also expensive because it is future proof and will allow me to expand as and when necessary.

Nearly there

This cold is almost gone but the headache and sore throat remain.  Had a long chat with my colleague about backing up my data at home and it looks as if my Network Storage might be the way to go, it isn't bullet proof but it will allow us to back up all the computers here.  It isn't going to be like a data centre reliability model but there's only so much one can do.  Saving to the cloud is actually ridiculously pricey - not sure why as storage is a cheap as chips.  Anyhow it worked out that it is cheaper for me to build my own than store offsite like that.

Am awaiting a call from HR department of a large corporate to see if they want to interview me. Will be interesting to see if they agree with the £s I've asked for in terms of salary.  If they are then it will be worth going for.  I still have my reservations but in a way I've set down the level at which I'm prepared to be bought.  I know that sounds mercenary but it is meant to.  I don't enjoy the lifestyle particularly but with the level of money I could bear it for enough time to increase my pension pot and put some of the money back into the household spent during my recent couple of years sojourn.

Making Some Sense of it All

That's next on my list of things to do.  Some time ago I wondered why I'd been spared and what I ought to do with this "borrowed" time and in some ways I've done something about it and made some changes and whilst I'm prone to over analysing everything I can tell you that there's something definitely wrong.  Now I'm not sure that it's like the something that was wrong before I went down with Bladder Cancer although at times it does feel like it.  I was prone to lethargy and just never felt like doing anything but forced myself to and actually got things to improve a bit up to the point of being diagnosed.  It was 8 years ago yesterday that I was with my parents and got the call that my mum's brother had died and that wasn't a great day having to break the news to my mum that her younger brother had died.  It was, though, about that time that I really started to notice that I wasn't up to my usual standard of mental and physical capacity but not enough to warrant going to the doctor etc.

It's similar to how I feel now but I don't feel quite the same and I'm sure it isn't ailing for something as I feel (despite my cold) very well indeed.  I am though bogged down with something and it's deep and it's important and just needs to be sorted out one way or the other.

The crazy thing is that if I knew exactly what it was I could do something about it :-)  I felt like writing a blog titled "The Meaning of Life" but that's not exactly it either.  It's more about the ending of my previous age and the commencement of another.  The changes that have to come about to enter this new age of late adulthood or early old age or something like that.  I have no clear vision of what I want to do, what matters (if anything actually does anymore) and how to go about it.  There's a definite want/need to draw a line under the past and to fix eyes on the horizon to go forward.  

Cold - Worst Over?

It certainly seems so and I've had two impromptu naps today which seem to have helped but have left me full of energy at midnight.  My sore throat is subsiding and sneezing and coughing no longer hurt that much so perhaps I will be OK for Saturday when I need to be on good form.

I've been working on how to achieve decent backups for my data this afternoon and started counting the cost of cloud storage and it's a bit more than I was expecting, so much so that it would be easier for me to build myself a RAID system here than to let it out to the cloud.  Of course there is the problem if there was a fire I suppose but let's hope that cloud costs come down sufficiently in the future to compete.  I can build a decent 6TB system which is plenty for the household and allow backups for all the computers and iPads and stuff that are here.  Of course, the main things are photos and music files which need backing up.

Hurrah!

Great news - my back up drive had only fried it's electronics and not the hard disk and so I have a new box with the drive in it and thank goodness - it is looking fine for the moment.  I need to now get some backup stuff in place and I'm pricing cloud versus having a NAS RAID array at home.  That may be expensive now but will prove to be less over the long run I believe.

At least my music is back and I can listen to it - I missed that.

A Cold

Welcome to autumn and winter, feeling pretty stuffed up and not happy at all with getting a cold and it just adds to my less than positive outlook on things at the moment.  It will get better, I know that and I'll be back to my happy self.

I was really pleased to hear that my Mum had gone out on her own yesterday, gone to town and back on the bus and had got out of the house and started to reclaim some independence.  She's going to try and do this every week which is great.  She needs to apply for her senior citizen's travel card and that will mean she can get reduced cost transport.  I'm very pleased about this as she feels better not relying on my brother and sister-in-law and she can go and do her own thing.

Mrs. F. is being super nice to me at the moment but that's because at last she understands what or why perhaps I'm like I am at present.  Mind you I'm beginning to feel better and starting to get myself motivated again.  It's been quite a dip this time but I feel that I'm turning the corner a bit and I just need to work on the positives again.

Full on cold

Sneezing and sore throat, blocked nose etc.  Been having another series of amazing dreams though over the past few weeks, amazing stuff, quite where it comes from I have no idea but the waking one this morning was incredibly detailed with a game show with archaeologists being awarded points and making amazing discoveries in amazing colour and detail.

I took my sick 1TB external drive down to the shop to see if they could sort it out.  We need to read it the last rites and pray for it to deliver up its data.  Shame.  I then had the local electricity people turn up who wanted to lop down a bit of my tree at the back of the garden - which was good as I was planning on doing some of that in a few months time when all the leaves are off.

Another misty day, a mizzly day apparently, depressing and damp but I had a better day today.  The company came back to me to say they were interested in my CV.  I appeared to have the skills they were looking for but they couldn't put me in at a Director level it would have to be a senior level under that.  Well that's OK by me as I'm not certain that I even need to go to that level.  I have though put in a very high starting bid for salary etc.  For no other reason than to actually get me to go back and do what I used to do, I ought to get properly rewarded for it.  From what I've discussed it should be about the right figure for them to be interested and for me to be happy with my lot.

I'm now just having some meds prior to taking my weary a**e off to bed as I'm very tired and could do with sleeping this cold off.   I have quite a few things still on my list to do but I feel that tomorrow I may finally get around to sorting some of them out.

Blast - is that a cold?

Why oh why do people who have colds go on public transport or attend meetings.  I had a hunch on Saturday that the guy next to me was sniffing his way through and I've just started sneezing and have a bit of a stinging feeling at the back of my nose and my throat  is beginning to feel sore.  Just what I don't need right now.

Had a good evening, Flocky Bicep drove us to Essex for a meeting, I had to get to him and so got a bus out into the countryside.  It was quite nice as the driver actually dropped me at the door of the pub I needed to wait at.  How very civilised and how very much different to any London buses.

We had a very nice meeting and it was great to see so many old friends too.  Being in Essex they produced a bowl of Leigh-on-Sea Cockles with vinegar and pepper - what a treat and the guy next to me didn't dine so we shared out his :-)

It was a good distraction today and broke my train of thought and has perhaps given me just enough time to just reflect a bit and restart things in the morning.  Off to bed and I just hope this isn't the start of a cold I really don't need that.

Complicated

If I thought it was ever going to be easy I was kidding myself.  Whilst I'm feeling lighter in my outlook despite the drizzle, mist and generally oppressive autumnal weather, I still have a number of things to resolve and some of them are just a matter of facing up to the fact they will never happen and ruling them out.  Other things need a bit more time to bed in.  Mrs. F. is quite happy that I set up my alternative business but I'm not yet convinced that I want to do that especially as I'm not sure it will make money for us.  It may well do but I haven't sat down and done the detailed planning.  Doing that will probably assist but I would probably need to convince myself that is worth spending some months on doing.  In reality it should have been ready for launch now ready for Christmas (I can officially use that word as there have been adverts out all this month already!).  

I am certain that it would be about this time of year that the business would kick off and of course people would want stuff provided using that as a deadline - it could be tricky.. :-)  Anyway, whilst I'm warming to the idea, I still need to convince myself that it isn't a pipe dream.  It only answers part of the problem though and I'd be still searching for answers on other stuff too.

I know that I need to step back from all the current chaos and take stock.  That's perhaps what I can do in the next week or two.  Hope is fading for these potential gigs I may have had and perhaps that will allow me to direct my attention to the rest of the things vying for my attention.

It's a bit like living in a vortex at the moment, I know I can tackle it all but I just need to step outside and set some targets for the important and urgent stuff and leave some of the detritus behind for now.

Sunday Night

It is going to be a long week I have surmised.  Mrs. F. is off to work as is A tomorrow and then L and her boyfriend head back up to Cambridge tomorrow.  I'll be off on Monday to Essex for a meeting and then not much else until Saturday when I have my first full meeting as Master of my Lodge.  I'm looking forward to that and hope that I can get it right and that the meeting will go ahead smoothly.

It is funny that since I've broached the issue about what to do next with Mrs. F. I've suddenly realised quite how much of a can of worms I've kicked over.  Not for her but for me :-)  It's a strange thing that I hadn't realised how much of my decision making actually hangs on what is right for everyone and not just for me.  It has overloaded my mind a bit and so that's what I now need to resolve.  It's becoming a very difficult time to work out what to do next mainly because I'm not absolutely certain what to do next.  By that I mean that there are now more options available than there were last week and I just need to work my way through them - it's added a lot to the mix but I suppose that's not a bad thing.

Then again maybe not

I ended up sitting downstairs until 3:30 as I was a bit annoyed after having been out for a meal we returned having discussed some things but then we hit a rocky bit and I just needed to be left alone to think.

Today's been a bad one and not helped by a friend who contacted me and has had some pretty awful times, now on various charitable schemes and also having been very down and close to suicide.  I'm far from that and wouldn't contemplate anything like that because surely things can't be that bad that you need to do that.  I would suggest it is a pretty selfish thing to do especially if you have family.  

So today has been a misty, raining, autumnal typical English heading towards winter day.  It's damp and solemn and drippy and misty. It's downright depressing and so my mood matches it.

And yet I have moments where I feel quite normal and upbeat.  

It sounds bad doesn't it?  I'm not in a really bad place though so don't worry about that, I'm just now working through the stuff I need to to work out what I need to do next.  

Afternoon

Was spent sorting out Christmas stuff which made for some time for Mrs. F. and myself to be together.  No one around so we fancy a meal and will either head off up to the Indian for a curry or possibly head to the pub for a bite to eat and a few beers.  Not sure which at the moment but small steps - good stuff.

Nice Meeting

A breakfast meeting with a cooked English Breakfast (a Full one - no idea why they say full English).  It was very nice indeed and a nice way to start the day.   We then had a pleasant enough meeting and a I was home before lunch which was very good indeed.

It was nice too that Mrs. F. had done some work in the new bathroom and so has now headed off to the tip to throw away our old rubbish and dead tiles and stuff.  When she gets back we are going to work on doing something together - not sure what that will be but let's give it a go and see where we end up.  We can just work on something and see where it takes us.  At least we are talking which is a huge step up from last week.  Not that anything was bad just not right.

I am hoping that we might get to start working out the rest of our lives or begin to find some common ground and some heads of agreement.

Purpose

So once you've worked your way up the greasy pole, provided shelter and food for your family and are in a position to pretty well do what you want.  What do you actually do?

Sure I'd like more money and all that but what if that isn't important anymore?  What if I just want a quiet life and to no longer have to work every hour sent and travel for miles and miles?  What if I reverse work and home so that home is more important?  What then?

I questioned why I was spared some years ago.  Was there some "greater purpose"?  Whilst I did a long stint at the Charity I still wasn't absolutely sure.  I made a difference to many people and that's good but it is soon forgotten - like they have forgotten who did some of the original thought leadership.  People are surprised that I may have had any involvement because those who remain  will naturally take the kudos, I'm no longer there, out of sight out of mind.

I enjoy working in some ways but I get right into it, I was never a 9 to 5, it isn't in my nature to be a worker bee / drone.  If I went back into work I reckon I'd be stuck into it and have no home life (again) and all I'd be doing is bringing in the bucks for my retirement and perhaps to have a new car and some other frivolous stuff that will look good but ultimately do the same job as the stuff I' have now.

Had a long chat this morning about things with my business partner and we are struggling with this sense of purpose, a need for a holistic solution and a better work life balance into the future.   

Conundrums

Conundrums indeed, it's the problems that need working through.  I've said it before on here and it goes something along these lines:

Many things have changed since Bladder Cancer.  Life means something entirely different.  Work means something entirely different.  I don't want to live like I lived before.  I don't enjoy doing what I used to do and go out of my way to avoid some things altogether.  All the stuff that went on before is now almost null and void for no other reason than it no longer exists or holds its interest.  Only I have changed and I don't expect everyone else to do so just because of me.

I was explaining that the things that really brought us together no longer exists.  That would be building our house, saving and getting the stuff of life, cars, furniture and all that good stuff.  We built a home then we had kids and then found out that all those things we did no longer exists other than in a set of then and now photographs.  You can't live in the past - it's a shame but it can't happen - many people are trying to go back to the days of their youth and it's not a good look people! :-)  Having witnessed the 60 years olds with long grey hair tied in a pony tail reliving their acid days at some tribute band gig is not where I want to be and not what I want to do.  It captures nothing and takes you nowhere further on.

I don't think I particularly need to do anything way off base either, I just want to enjoy what's left of the rest of my life.  I'd like a house by the coast or in the country, a local ambiance and village feel to the place, the opportunity to know people and to do something to make ends meet but just to make ends meet.  The trouble is that this idealised lifestyle may exists but comes at a price and that's giving up what we have here.  I may be prepared to do that but would others?  How idyllic is it in reality and so on.  On the other hand, I'm quite happy to go and revisit my old life but I think that, if I do, it will be on my terms and that won't be acceptable and I'd want to live near where I work not have to commute which I really cannot stand either.

I may want all of these things but, it is what I want and not what suits everyone else.  That's the thing that needs sorting out.  If it doesn't work for two or more it may not work at all.  That's the worry and perhaps why it has taken so long to get to this point.  But here we are, at long last, able to at least face up to it even if we don't enjoy what we are seeing.

Different

I suppose that's good, things are different all of a sudden but it's strange not having the normal "day-to-day" atmosphere happening.  Of course, it's just a day in but perhaps it's the start of a new dialogue.  Let's see what happens and how things progress.

Off out later to a meeting in Gillingham and so a small trip out is in order via bus and train - it's a reasonably long journey, I used to do it regularly years ago.  Hope that they don't go on for too long as it usually means I'm getting back way gone midnight.

Funeral tomorrow of one of our members, a nice guy, not too sure whether to go as the place will be mobbed out and I really don't like crowded rooms at the best of times.

Another Victim

Ex work colleague, a few years older than me, told he has aggressive form of Cancer, dead in 6 weeks.  Shame.

If you've had Cancer and you are a survivor it brings back some strange feelings and a queasy uneasiness as you recollect your own memories of the diagnosis and the prognosis.  I don't think I actually asked whether I would die because it wasn't explained to me as terminal, it was aggressive however and it was close to being out of control, a few layers of cells and we all know how small they are!

I try not to make too much of it but in reality it IS a big thing and it altered everything.  Years back I suggested collateral damage and there's every possibility that is coming to be now although I don't know what that means, it does concern me.  Of course, what will be will be and whatever may happen couldn't be anywhere near as bad as getting Cancer, I don't think much else comes near at all.  

Needed to be said

Well things needed to be said because I kept coming back to the same old road block in my thinking.  I played a scenario where I would live as long as my dad giving me 27 more years on this planet.  I then played the 10 more years until I can "officially" retire, that gave me perhaps 17 years then I worked out that as I'd already had cancer once that I might well be more susceptible to more (I have no evidence whatsoever to support this).

What I kept coming back to was that many of the things in my bucket list were things that only I really would enjoy doing.  I then started making a list of things that Mrs. F. and I enjoy doing together which never got past 2 things!  Many of the things that kept us together in the past, buying and renovating our two houses, the massive garden and all the fruit, doing our own wine and jams etc growing our own veg were all part of how we grew up together, then there were the children and everything has gone into their health and wellbeing and now that they are substantially off our hands (not entirely) there's nothing much left to do and please I don't need a list of suggestions at the moment - only we actually know what would work.

It actually feels like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and probably off of Mrs. F's too as she is as aware of this as I am and so it just now needs to be worked through.  Unfortunately she isn't a pragmatist or an optimist when it comes to these things.  She can't see that she could easily give up the rubbish job she is in now and we could go and do something far more fulfilling but that's a discussion to come.

Today I'm going to sort out a huge crop of apples that are lying around in the kitchen and a little later will meet up with Flocky Bicep for a few post work beers and a chat.  I do feel quite bad that I've upset Mrs. F. but I also it should at last get stuff out of my head, off of my mindmaps and out for discussion.  If we don't talk it through then there's no chance of resolving things.

Anyway, at least we've kicked off the dialogue and we will see where it goes.  Whilst I don't feel good about that, it needs to happen and containing it like I have for these past years wasn't a good ploy but perhaps I just wasn't ready to do anything about it.  Who knows, cowardice on my side or perhaps, more like me, keeping testing and checking to make sure that it wasn't "in my head" before coming clean.

I Feel Horrible

God I feel bad, I hate upsetting Mrs. F. she is a diamond lass and does everything for her children and more.  That's both the good and the bad as I've largely been ignored for the "children years".  Not that I minded that, it was my job to hoover up the big bucks and provide the house, funds for the school, trips, dancing etc., whatever was needed and whilst I was away grafting my arse off, the mortgage got paid, the bills were covered and everything worked fine.

In fact all was well until a year or two before I got ill when suddenly I wasn't quite "me" any more and in fact I was ailing.  Since then I've struggled mentally and physically - and as regular readers know - I've gone through the mill every which way possible.  That's my outcome from cancer, not everyones of course.  I'm changed and I'm no longer who I was and my value system has changed possibly diametrically so if I really level with myself, I'm no longer the person she knew and the change is marked.

But I feel really bad to bring this all to a head now.  In reality I feel that I must have definitely left the signal on the browser consciously so Mrs. F. could find it.  It had to be done, it needs to be said and glory knows we haven't spoken to each other properly in years.  She works her butt off and is always tired, can't spend time to talk to me, is in some sort of mood and so on.  The kids always come before me (and I don't begrudge that) but that's just where it is.

Anyway - I feel really bad because I've upset her tonight and she is taking it really badly.  All I want to do is discuss it but I'm a professional consultant type with all the questions and all the answers.  I need to tread on eggshells when we do talk.  I feel like a sh1t but I know I have to do this :-(