The Rut You're In

Is the deepest one to get out of supposedly.  I kind of agree with this and I've had one hell of a 6 year ride so far and it's still not all coming together and it still doesn't mean anything to me.  

I wonder if in fact it ever will resolve itself and I will become content with my lot?  I think that is it in some way.  I'm not entirely comfortable with who I am now, what survival means, what life now looks like and what the future holds.  It all sounds "mid life crisis" and I'd suggest that there is some of that there too.  

I have so much less in common nowadays than I used to and many of the things that interest me just don't cut it with Mrs. F. at all.  I can understand that entirely.  My interests haven't actually changed that much if at all (I don't think) but the situation we are in now is different.  Going out, getting a house, building that one up, repairing, second hand stuff, living off the garden produce, struggling to make ends meet and all that was great stuff, common interest and as you get older, make more money and move things change.  Then there were children and 22 years almost 23 now of that was also about doing you best for them all the time.

In reality things weren't great 7 years ago but I was pretty much bringing home the bacon (as they say) but I was ill, no doubt about that using good old hindsight.  But I was working away from home if I could and spent a lot of time working and that meant long hours and whilst that was OK at that time it isn't going to work now.  Not that I mind working long hours and being out and about but actually it isn't answering the question and is just prolonging the problem.

So what's the answer?  I'm buggered if I know even after all this time.  I'm just wondering still what to do about it and what strategies I can employ to resolve it.  In other news I've not heard back from 3 opportunities now and of course that is annoying but not unexpected.  I am planning to set myself a deadline.  If I don't hear back in a week or so (time to be set) I will invoke plan B.  Plan B being to then have a serious discussion about what I can do on my own and I'm holding off on my original plans only because of these potentials that have come about. It is just one of those things I suppose.

Stress maybe?

Do you think that we are all victims of convention?  I mean do we pressurise and stress ourselves out because we should be performing to majority held belief systems about work, life and everything?  You should have a job, you should provide for the house, you should do this or that in one way or another and all the stereotypical stuff.  

I wonder if there is some pressure from this status quo view of life.  I am know this territory of looking for jobs, people not phoning you back, jobs that don't exist and so on and it is making the roller coaster run all day long.  I was flat this morning and then went for a short walk in the sun and I was up again, had my haircut and felt fine and then this afternoon the trap door opened and I'm just back to being flat and disillusioned.  Whatever this week brings it will I think allow me to draw some sort of line under proceedings.  Another potential opportunity has arisen which I should know about later in the week.  Of course that too could be like the others and cul de sac too.

November is a crazy month for me and I'm out a lot.  I've forced myself to go to these things to get out of the house - I need to do that as I can quickly become a recluse.  These won't do much for my job prospects (albeit I'll meet a lot of influential people).  But I just need to tune my head to a spot of delayed enjoyment and get my head in the right place.

If you find yourself struggling with loneliness, you're not alone. And yet you are alone. So very alone

This comes from a fun site Despair Inc. There are some funny one liners and quotes on there.

I often use humour to defuse my slips back into depression and this and a number of other sites have some great quotes on them :-)

Things often seem bad and yet they aren't of course.  Poking some fun at myself seems to help me to break out of the cycle so that's useful to know.  I'm very self effacing and so it doesn't hurt me to take the mickey out of myself and try to snap myself around.

Having said that - I'm beginning to look forward to going to Scotland later this month.  We (my friend C and I) did a comedy sketch last time I was there and they want us to reprise the role.  So to add more impact I've bought some props to liven the thing up.  Hopefully they will enjoy our impressions and comedy sketch.  As it was about Nelson being alive today a variety of props including an inflatable Parrot have been purchased - I know it's pirate stuff but hell anything will do to liven the act up.  I've also got a new act to add to it so hopefully we can do our new act and do Nelson as an encore.

I'm going to be really busy in the next month and that's encouraging although I will be flat out in terms of travelling and visiting Scotland will be after 2 days of other visits so I will absolutely wiped out by the time I get home.

Sun shining

Well it is Monday and the sun is shining and I'm slightly lifted this morning and feel a little better. I suppose if you are reading this and don't have, let's call it depressions shall we, the highs and lows of the condition.  I have no doubt that my dad dying has something to do with this as does post cancer issues and also this phase of losing the children, they are grown up and do their own things leaving Mrs. F. and I to try and rebuild 22 years of missing time.

Add to that, I don't quite know what I want to do next in terms of making a buck and you have a pot full of uncertainty that occasionally gets stirred with a blender or just a wooden spoon.  Everything is mixed up and depending on how you view all the facts, facets and data can influence the way you think about them  They are all interdependent but if you consider one as more important than another your solution is skewed.  That's why it isn't like business.  There you'd be dealing in logical 1s and 0s and uncertainty isn't a big element because there is usually some driving force not several.

Looking for a holistic answer is of course the ideal, something that satisfies every eventuality and even Einstein wouldn't be able to craft an equation for this as there remains uncertainties like emotional responses and the history of the relationship and many other things like that.  Dealing with uncertainty is one thing and in business it is pretty much accepted and people like me come in and sort that out for companies :-)  Of course the thing here is that having to deal with it in terms of your personal life is a lot different to a multi million $/£ corporation.  There's stuff in the mix here that is difficult to analyse or apportion the correct weighting to to make some objective decisions and what it may come down to is "how you feel".  That for me is the danger as if I'm not thinking straight (which I'm not I think) then how can you make decisions on gut feel when that may be telling you all the wrong things?   Over analysing this maybe but if I'm to make a big decision, do I let serendipity take over or do I base it on some solid foundations?  

Knowing what is going on is important but of course tackling it is difficult.  I can't even begin to tell you how low I get when I'm low and what I feel like and how completely lethargic and tired I am when I'm down.  Last night I was pretty flat.  Today I'm not bad middle of the range I'd guess.  This isn't the Dark Dog of 5 years ago which was more about death and mortality and the terrible stuff that was done to make me well.  That again sounds strange but what I meant by that is that you are diagnosed and the shock of that is massive, then very quickly operated on and the impact is major (on me) and I wasn't allowed to drive for a month and just had to sit still. Not long afterwards I had another operation of equal magnitude and then had treatment with BCG which was, shall we say, not for sissies, it was heavy and in all that time I was holding down a job or trying to.  Black Dog was a mocking, nightmare inducing thing and what I have now is nowhere near that sort of thing - thank goodness.

So whilst the sun is shining and things are relatively OK I'm still nowhere nearer sorting this out. My heart is telling me things to do and yet I'm not absolutely convinced that they are right although my "spider sense" and "gut feelings" do normally prove to be correct I just don't trust myself fully to make the right decision, for the right reason.  

The Ups and Downs of Life

Did I say that my neighbour had died?  Her husband died as I was diagnosed with Bladder Cancer and we didn't really say much to her about my recent diagnosis, she found out later on.  We've known her all the time we have lived here and it was actually quite sudden although she was getting a little worse and had visits by the local nurse.  It must have been a few weeks back when the emergency vehicles were outside.  She was a lovely lady and had a wonderful garden.  I was talking to her son-in-law only a few weeks back and whilst we were keeping our eyes open for her, there wasn't any talk of major illness.  Such a shame, a lovely lady.

Her funeral is this Thursday and I can't go I am in London.

Today was a bit flat, I suppose yesterday was a bit of a high but even so I felt quite bad and what with the clocks going back and the dark evenings it really does add to my oscillating in and out of good humour.

It's particularly bad at the moment though and I think it is because I still don't explain fully what is going on.  Sure Mrs. F. is sympathetic but actually there isn't a great deal she can do about it.  I'm just working on what I want to do still.  I met someone on Saturday who may also have a lead for me, working in deepest darkest Kent but that's OK it is better than plodding in to London day to day.

I just hope that I can snap myself out of this pretty soon as I want to move on and I know I'm not doing so. 

Mmm Friday and Saturday

Friday was interesting I ended up bumping into an old friend and was horrified at how quickly he had slid into what I'd guess is early onset of dementia.  His memory is really bad mainly names of places and what he had done in hospital and all sorts of things like that.  It really is sad and I just hope that his daughters are doing something about it because it was quite worrying. He went off home and I was talking to some locals who were telling me all about it - I contacted my friend in the Lodge but there isn't much we can actually do to help really, it's just such a shame.

I ended up having a few drinks with the locals and my next door neighbour which meant I was completely tuckered out and so sleepy that I couldn't go out to the tribute evening that night that I'd invited people to go to!!!! Doh

Saturday went well and it was my first full meeting as Master of the Lodge, had many big wigs there too and it was just a great day out.  Very enjoyable.

Blat out for the count

Gosh, twice today (and yesterday) I've just fallen asleep at the drop of a hat and dozed away at my desk and in my chair.  It's been most strange and a sling back to the old days.  I think it has to be the medication and trying to get rid of this cold.

I could do without it as tomorrow I'm expecting a call and I'm out at a meeting and really don't want to sound like I've gargled with sand paper or be coughing but I certainly don't want to sound a bit sleepy and dopey either.  Mind you it is now gone 1 in the morning and I'm wide awake!  Doh.

I've had a better day today as I think that the possibility of working again - or perhaps the fact that I've got to open a dialogue with a potential employer - is just lifting my spirits as is getting over this cold.  

I should be at a big meeting in London tomorrow but that isn't going to happen unfortunately.  That's a shame but I want to be here for this local meet and to take this call.

I've done some digging around on building a back up system and that should come to fruition pretty soon, it is expensive but I think it will be a useful addition to the house so that none of us lose our data.  Of course I can't mitigate for flood or fire but there you go.  It is a quarter of the cost of going into the cloud (over a 5 year period) and so it makes economic sense to me.  The solution is also expensive because it is future proof and will allow me to expand as and when necessary.

Nearly there

This cold is almost gone but the headache and sore throat remain.  Had a long chat with my colleague about backing up my data at home and it looks as if my Network Storage might be the way to go, it isn't bullet proof but it will allow us to back up all the computers here.  It isn't going to be like a data centre reliability model but there's only so much one can do.  Saving to the cloud is actually ridiculously pricey - not sure why as storage is a cheap as chips.  Anyhow it worked out that it is cheaper for me to build my own than store offsite like that.

Am awaiting a call from HR department of a large corporate to see if they want to interview me. Will be interesting to see if they agree with the £s I've asked for in terms of salary.  If they are then it will be worth going for.  I still have my reservations but in a way I've set down the level at which I'm prepared to be bought.  I know that sounds mercenary but it is meant to.  I don't enjoy the lifestyle particularly but with the level of money I could bear it for enough time to increase my pension pot and put some of the money back into the household spent during my recent couple of years sojourn.

Making Some Sense of it All

That's next on my list of things to do.  Some time ago I wondered why I'd been spared and what I ought to do with this "borrowed" time and in some ways I've done something about it and made some changes and whilst I'm prone to over analysing everything I can tell you that there's something definitely wrong.  Now I'm not sure that it's like the something that was wrong before I went down with Bladder Cancer although at times it does feel like it.  I was prone to lethargy and just never felt like doing anything but forced myself to and actually got things to improve a bit up to the point of being diagnosed.  It was 8 years ago yesterday that I was with my parents and got the call that my mum's brother had died and that wasn't a great day having to break the news to my mum that her younger brother had died.  It was, though, about that time that I really started to notice that I wasn't up to my usual standard of mental and physical capacity but not enough to warrant going to the doctor etc.

It's similar to how I feel now but I don't feel quite the same and I'm sure it isn't ailing for something as I feel (despite my cold) very well indeed.  I am though bogged down with something and it's deep and it's important and just needs to be sorted out one way or the other.

The crazy thing is that if I knew exactly what it was I could do something about it :-)  I felt like writing a blog titled "The Meaning of Life" but that's not exactly it either.  It's more about the ending of my previous age and the commencement of another.  The changes that have to come about to enter this new age of late adulthood or early old age or something like that.  I have no clear vision of what I want to do, what matters (if anything actually does anymore) and how to go about it.  There's a definite want/need to draw a line under the past and to fix eyes on the horizon to go forward.  

Cold - Worst Over?

It certainly seems so and I've had two impromptu naps today which seem to have helped but have left me full of energy at midnight.  My sore throat is subsiding and sneezing and coughing no longer hurt that much so perhaps I will be OK for Saturday when I need to be on good form.

I've been working on how to achieve decent backups for my data this afternoon and started counting the cost of cloud storage and it's a bit more than I was expecting, so much so that it would be easier for me to build myself a RAID system here than to let it out to the cloud.  Of course there is the problem if there was a fire I suppose but let's hope that cloud costs come down sufficiently in the future to compete.  I can build a decent 6TB system which is plenty for the household and allow backups for all the computers and iPads and stuff that are here.  Of course, the main things are photos and music files which need backing up.

Hurrah!

Great news - my back up drive had only fried it's electronics and not the hard disk and so I have a new box with the drive in it and thank goodness - it is looking fine for the moment.  I need to now get some backup stuff in place and I'm pricing cloud versus having a NAS RAID array at home.  That may be expensive now but will prove to be less over the long run I believe.

At least my music is back and I can listen to it - I missed that.

A Cold

Welcome to autumn and winter, feeling pretty stuffed up and not happy at all with getting a cold and it just adds to my less than positive outlook on things at the moment.  It will get better, I know that and I'll be back to my happy self.

I was really pleased to hear that my Mum had gone out on her own yesterday, gone to town and back on the bus and had got out of the house and started to reclaim some independence.  She's going to try and do this every week which is great.  She needs to apply for her senior citizen's travel card and that will mean she can get reduced cost transport.  I'm very pleased about this as she feels better not relying on my brother and sister-in-law and she can go and do her own thing.

Mrs. F. is being super nice to me at the moment but that's because at last she understands what or why perhaps I'm like I am at present.  Mind you I'm beginning to feel better and starting to get myself motivated again.  It's been quite a dip this time but I feel that I'm turning the corner a bit and I just need to work on the positives again.

Full on cold

Sneezing and sore throat, blocked nose etc.  Been having another series of amazing dreams though over the past few weeks, amazing stuff, quite where it comes from I have no idea but the waking one this morning was incredibly detailed with a game show with archaeologists being awarded points and making amazing discoveries in amazing colour and detail.

I took my sick 1TB external drive down to the shop to see if they could sort it out.  We need to read it the last rites and pray for it to deliver up its data.  Shame.  I then had the local electricity people turn up who wanted to lop down a bit of my tree at the back of the garden - which was good as I was planning on doing some of that in a few months time when all the leaves are off.

Another misty day, a mizzly day apparently, depressing and damp but I had a better day today.  The company came back to me to say they were interested in my CV.  I appeared to have the skills they were looking for but they couldn't put me in at a Director level it would have to be a senior level under that.  Well that's OK by me as I'm not certain that I even need to go to that level.  I have though put in a very high starting bid for salary etc.  For no other reason than to actually get me to go back and do what I used to do, I ought to get properly rewarded for it.  From what I've discussed it should be about the right figure for them to be interested and for me to be happy with my lot.

I'm now just having some meds prior to taking my weary a**e off to bed as I'm very tired and could do with sleeping this cold off.   I have quite a few things still on my list to do but I feel that tomorrow I may finally get around to sorting some of them out.

Blast - is that a cold?

Why oh why do people who have colds go on public transport or attend meetings.  I had a hunch on Saturday that the guy next to me was sniffing his way through and I've just started sneezing and have a bit of a stinging feeling at the back of my nose and my throat  is beginning to feel sore.  Just what I don't need right now.

Had a good evening, Flocky Bicep drove us to Essex for a meeting, I had to get to him and so got a bus out into the countryside.  It was quite nice as the driver actually dropped me at the door of the pub I needed to wait at.  How very civilised and how very much different to any London buses.

We had a very nice meeting and it was great to see so many old friends too.  Being in Essex they produced a bowl of Leigh-on-Sea Cockles with vinegar and pepper - what a treat and the guy next to me didn't dine so we shared out his :-)

It was a good distraction today and broke my train of thought and has perhaps given me just enough time to just reflect a bit and restart things in the morning.  Off to bed and I just hope this isn't the start of a cold I really don't need that.

Complicated

If I thought it was ever going to be easy I was kidding myself.  Whilst I'm feeling lighter in my outlook despite the drizzle, mist and generally oppressive autumnal weather, I still have a number of things to resolve and some of them are just a matter of facing up to the fact they will never happen and ruling them out.  Other things need a bit more time to bed in.  Mrs. F. is quite happy that I set up my alternative business but I'm not yet convinced that I want to do that especially as I'm not sure it will make money for us.  It may well do but I haven't sat down and done the detailed planning.  Doing that will probably assist but I would probably need to convince myself that is worth spending some months on doing.  In reality it should have been ready for launch now ready for Christmas (I can officially use that word as there have been adverts out all this month already!).  

I am certain that it would be about this time of year that the business would kick off and of course people would want stuff provided using that as a deadline - it could be tricky.. :-)  Anyway, whilst I'm warming to the idea, I still need to convince myself that it isn't a pipe dream.  It only answers part of the problem though and I'd be still searching for answers on other stuff too.

I know that I need to step back from all the current chaos and take stock.  That's perhaps what I can do in the next week or two.  Hope is fading for these potential gigs I may have had and perhaps that will allow me to direct my attention to the rest of the things vying for my attention.

It's a bit like living in a vortex at the moment, I know I can tackle it all but I just need to step outside and set some targets for the important and urgent stuff and leave some of the detritus behind for now.

Sunday Night

It is going to be a long week I have surmised.  Mrs. F. is off to work as is A tomorrow and then L and her boyfriend head back up to Cambridge tomorrow.  I'll be off on Monday to Essex for a meeting and then not much else until Saturday when I have my first full meeting as Master of my Lodge.  I'm looking forward to that and hope that I can get it right and that the meeting will go ahead smoothly.

It is funny that since I've broached the issue about what to do next with Mrs. F. I've suddenly realised quite how much of a can of worms I've kicked over.  Not for her but for me :-)  It's a strange thing that I hadn't realised how much of my decision making actually hangs on what is right for everyone and not just for me.  It has overloaded my mind a bit and so that's what I now need to resolve.  It's becoming a very difficult time to work out what to do next mainly because I'm not absolutely certain what to do next.  By that I mean that there are now more options available than there were last week and I just need to work my way through them - it's added a lot to the mix but I suppose that's not a bad thing.

Then again maybe not

I ended up sitting downstairs until 3:30 as I was a bit annoyed after having been out for a meal we returned having discussed some things but then we hit a rocky bit and I just needed to be left alone to think.

Today's been a bad one and not helped by a friend who contacted me and has had some pretty awful times, now on various charitable schemes and also having been very down and close to suicide.  I'm far from that and wouldn't contemplate anything like that because surely things can't be that bad that you need to do that.  I would suggest it is a pretty selfish thing to do especially if you have family.  

So today has been a misty, raining, autumnal typical English heading towards winter day.  It's damp and solemn and drippy and misty. It's downright depressing and so my mood matches it.

And yet I have moments where I feel quite normal and upbeat.  

It sounds bad doesn't it?  I'm not in a really bad place though so don't worry about that, I'm just now working through the stuff I need to to work out what I need to do next.  

Afternoon

Was spent sorting out Christmas stuff which made for some time for Mrs. F. and myself to be together.  No one around so we fancy a meal and will either head off up to the Indian for a curry or possibly head to the pub for a bite to eat and a few beers.  Not sure which at the moment but small steps - good stuff.

Nice Meeting

A breakfast meeting with a cooked English Breakfast (a Full one - no idea why they say full English).  It was very nice indeed and a nice way to start the day.   We then had a pleasant enough meeting and a I was home before lunch which was very good indeed.

It was nice too that Mrs. F. had done some work in the new bathroom and so has now headed off to the tip to throw away our old rubbish and dead tiles and stuff.  When she gets back we are going to work on doing something together - not sure what that will be but let's give it a go and see where we end up.  We can just work on something and see where it takes us.  At least we are talking which is a huge step up from last week.  Not that anything was bad just not right.

I am hoping that we might get to start working out the rest of our lives or begin to find some common ground and some heads of agreement.

Purpose

So once you've worked your way up the greasy pole, provided shelter and food for your family and are in a position to pretty well do what you want.  What do you actually do?

Sure I'd like more money and all that but what if that isn't important anymore?  What if I just want a quiet life and to no longer have to work every hour sent and travel for miles and miles?  What if I reverse work and home so that home is more important?  What then?

I questioned why I was spared some years ago.  Was there some "greater purpose"?  Whilst I did a long stint at the Charity I still wasn't absolutely sure.  I made a difference to many people and that's good but it is soon forgotten - like they have forgotten who did some of the original thought leadership.  People are surprised that I may have had any involvement because those who remain  will naturally take the kudos, I'm no longer there, out of sight out of mind.

I enjoy working in some ways but I get right into it, I was never a 9 to 5, it isn't in my nature to be a worker bee / drone.  If I went back into work I reckon I'd be stuck into it and have no home life (again) and all I'd be doing is bringing in the bucks for my retirement and perhaps to have a new car and some other frivolous stuff that will look good but ultimately do the same job as the stuff I' have now.

Had a long chat this morning about things with my business partner and we are struggling with this sense of purpose, a need for a holistic solution and a better work life balance into the future.