That was good

A nice meeting and very pleasant afternoon.  I must try and get my breathing right again in these small Lodge rooms - I tend to get quite panicky right at the start in these small rooms and I was "trapped" in a corner which really didn't help much but then I realised that the fans were turning, there was a breeze and I had plenty of room to move around.  It may seem strange to you that I get like this but it is very frightening and I nearly walked out before we started but did some rationalising and also I knew that the room was plenty big enough for us and that as long as there was air circulating I'd be OK.  Better than that, I'd been in here with far more people and survived.

I need to get a grip on this situation in the New Year as it is debilitating especially on trains and the like.  I have a feeling that it has got worse recently and I wonder whether I need to just get some correctional stuff done through my hypnotherapist.  It's in the mind of course and it relates back to childhood and also a number of times I've been on crowded trains and the like.  I'm OK in a plane as I have a seat, I have air blowing on me and the plane is only crowded when people get on or off of it.

This time next week we should be getting into the swing of it - some how gone midnight last time I was in Scotland and the snow started falling like mad - we got back to the Hotel and had a small white out - mind you it was 3 in the morning!

Pulling Through

I feel that I am pulling through this period of being really down in the dumps and I'm beginning to have more ups than downs although the downs are still there.  My dreams have been amazingly vivid in the past few months and some have been disturbing, others amusing and some downright weird.  

I woke this morning in a not terribly nice place, I once again thought of my dad and him being in that hospital but once I got up and moving then things changed a bit and I felt a lot better.  I need to get myself ready to go out and as I'll be doing the driving I will be on soft drinks for the day - not a problem as such as I imagine by this time next week (and I should be in the air by then) I will have had enough to drink for a month.  This week really kicks off and I think that I'll be so full on that I won't be thinking too much about anything other than getting packed and between destinations as needed.

The good thing is that I can see that I'm a little bit brighter than I have been for a while, I've worked through a number of issues and whilst there's plenty more to do, things look a little better than they have for a while.

Attitude Change

If you've read this blog for a while you are probably as aware as I am that my "mood" is a transient thing with a life of its own.  I surf the highs and lows of life sometimes many times a day and I can be up one day and down the next for no particular reason.

Today I caught myself, quite unexpectedly, thinking about my dad and I have great vision and I could see him in his bed and he got a twinge and it hurt and I remember asking him if he needed anything for it and he said it passed pretty quickly and I found myself quite upset by this.  I was upset because he was in pain and I recollect that it was his distress that hurt me more than anything.  I wonder if a lot of this up and down is to do with his death you know?  Apart from the day he died and comforting my mum a few times in the days afterwards I've not been too bad really.  I probably appreciate that we all die and all that stuff and for various reasons whilst these things are sad they are also part of the course of life (although that's a strange word to use I suppose).

I was probably more upset than anything about the helplessness of it all in the end.  The last few months were a slow and inevitable slipping away but not without the problems associated with him being bedridden and plenty of other stuff that goes along with that.  I probably saw that and remembered that my Granddad was in hospital for a very long time too and I really don't fancy that much.  I suppose if you have enough drugs and stuff that it may not matter to you the individual.  It plays heavily on your family though.  So this vision arrived and I felt very sad for him, as I feel for anyone in distressed circumstances and that was the trigger.  It wasn't that he died, it was that he may have been in pain or suffered.  

Talking to her doctor my mum had a chat about things and it appears that dad was extremely lucky that he had only minor pain and of course they do treat that seriously and effectively.

I imagine that Christmas won't be great for my mum and she is going to my brothers for Christmas this year - she will come to Christmas with me in 2013 and so that's good.  I wanted her to come this year to us to be away from the house but there you go.  I can imagine that it wont be a great time as dad liked Christmas and had lots of lights and decorations around the house.  It wont be the same and I don't suppose my mums and my birthdays will ever be the same as he died the day before my birthday and two days after my mums.  Bless him, I don't think he knew what the days or dates were as it would have distressed him to know it was mums birthday.

Surprisingly given this today has been a lot better.  I got my morning suit trousers I've been waiting for but they weren't exactly the ones I expected and Mrs. F. has done a brilliant job shortening the legs as they arrived not completed.  I didn't order them like that but hey ho - they fit a treat now and they need braces which also turned up today which is great as I need to wear them tomorrow.  I discovered that there had been some sort of leak (probably the torrential rain we had a few months ago) that had caused my wardrobe to get slightly damp which has ruined a couple of garments and consigned one of my suits to the cleaners to see if it can be saved as it has light mould on it.  What a nuisance it also got onto both of my guitar cases which are stored there but luckily not on to the guitars themselves.

Tomorrow I am picking up my friend early and we are heading off to a Lodge meeting.  He will be driving me next weekend and so I'm happy to do this.  It also means that I won't be drinking so that is also a good thing as they drink a lot at their meetings and often that means a thick head the next morning.  Not tomorrow though!

I'm in a good mood all around even though I got the wobble about my dad midday.  Other than that all is well - but give me time - that can and does quickly change!

So when you least expect it

Well - it took about 4 weeks to ask me a simple question and now we are off and running.   Apparently a series of Tests for Verbal reasoning and numeracy.  I wondered where HR added value to the employment process :-)  I mean how crazy is this - I've run multi million pound programmes for most of my life and they want to know if I can do basic English and Maths...

Oh well, let's see what these things are. The salary is what they really wanted to discuss with me and that appears to be fine as does all the package too.   So let's now see what the process is and how long it might take.

If nothing else it will give me the opportunity to check my interview skills.

Problem:  I sounded a little laissez faire this morning and that's not good.  Note to self, don't be too cocky - only I know that I can do this - they don't :-)  

London Buses

It;s been a strange day - I was late up last night and this morning as a consequence.  Friend G rang and had a job but typical I have a horrible diary for the rest of this year.  He had seen me bleating about a company not getting back to me.  Well they are one of the largest companies in the world and so that's fair enough I know how long these things can sometimes take.  However, I'd heard nothing from them and I was reckoning on doing my own thing.

Mrs. F. suggested we go and see the James Bond movie Skyfall which I've just come back from and very good it was too - most enjoyable.  It looks as if we might have found something that we both might do now (watch movies not become spies).  When I come out, I've got a phone call message to say that the said (extremely large global corporation) have rung and can I return the call.

That's the way of it isn't it, suddenly a number of things turn up when you least expect them!  The saying goes that you wait ages for a bus and then three turn up together - I just wonder whether I'll get the other two calls today or tomorrow :-)

Things start to get busy from tomorrow onwards I've loads of things that need to be done and little time to do them, I've got a number of visits to try and squeeze in and not a weekend free now until January.  

Pie in the Sky

I've been playing around with some models that would allow me to do some work in one area and supplement it in another way and generally "duck and dive" in the future.  This would allow me to keep options open and to do many things and to have avenues of "opportunity" and to allow some level of flexibility too.

The plan involves weaving 4 or 5 different things and building on each as and when appropriate.  For example, I imagine that there are certain times of year where Genealogy becomes of interest to people.  About this time of year as a gift of a researched family tree or perhaps a nice hand crafted family tree with neat calligraphy and gold leaf etc.  As a trained draughtsman that shouldn't be a problem to me.  The main thing is to be able to respond to waves of work and to also, more importantly, generate work throughout the year if possible.  

I've other side lines that I might pursue with other people I know and each isn't a full time thing more a burst of work every now and then and so I think I could weave a number of these together.  I'm now thinking closely about whether that would be successful or not.  It strikes me it could leave me jack of all trades and master of none.  So I am thinking seriously because I know what I am like and how I pick up on things and then drop them at the moment (I've not always been like that - but I have been in the past 4 or 5 years).

The issue is that you can put all your effort into one thing and I believe that one would need a lot to capture the available market - which isn't huge but it is significant.  The work would be akin to full time to build and maintain - however - if it does go wrong then there's nothing to fall back on.

Mrs. F. is off tomorrow and who knows we might do something together, perhaps go to see Skyfall?  Hopefully I will get sufficient time to discuss some of these things with her.  One of the schemes requires a little investment - which isn't a problem but given the investment in the past 2 almost 3 years, it may be stretching things a bit far if I don't get agreement.

Not much Bladder Cancer in the blog

The title and the blog are diverging and it there's isn't much in here other than the wreckage that the cancer left in its wake :-)  By that I mean the changes physically and more importantly mentally.  Dealing with the ongoing head issues is proving the biggest deal now where physically coping with the treatment and recovery were the pressing worries earlier on.

I've been considering the practicalities of turning a hobby into a job and by that I mean my genealogy stuff.  I've been doing that for 35 or more years and have written articles about that and undertaken a lot of in depth research.  If it were possible to monetise that in some way then that would be nice.  I've pulled together quite a bit of data on that and then I considered that there are other areas that might also contribute and so I'm thinking through the possibility of combining a number of these together - do many things so that I'm not reliant on the outcome of one and have other things to do during lean times.  It is a way forward and gets over some of the indecision I've been having about committing to one thing.  The idea being that I could build a series of businesses and as long as I'm disciplined enough to work on one when the other is quiet and so on, it could be a potential way out.  Additionally there is a voluntary position going in the local Museum which may help promote my work and I can also get some casual paid work locally although I've not gone into that in any great depth at the moment as I now need to go and work on these ideas and see if they really hold water and make sense.

I can't tell at this moment, the ideas are arriving far too quickly.

I'm wondering whether this blog may soon have run its course in the interim as there are just 2 times a year when something actually happens to me at the moment and they are my check ups?

Committee Meeting

Don't you love it when someone arrives late and makes you go back over all the stuff you've been talking about for 45 minutes.  Anyway, the meeting is over and there's some progress so its not all bad.  My Nephew will join our Lodge next year, all being equal.  That will be nice and will follow "family tradition" kind of :-) as his Granddad, my Father in Law, and his my father in laws father in law was in the Lodge.  Let's hope he enjoys his time.

We are going through some growing pains as younger members have more demanding jobs these days and tend to drop by the wayside as they have families and through their work commitments.  Now I could bleat and say that I always managed it even through my hectic travelling and working away years.  However, I have to accept that these days things are different and no doubt our 290 + year organisation will adapt as required to meet these challenges.  We just needed to make certain that we don't take our own eye off the ball.  Lodges are living things and need new blood regularly and that's the problem where the younger guys peel off to do their own thing and it still leaves us old stalwarts to run the place.  What happens then is that people consider that we are hanging on in our jobs and not moving out of the way.  Oh well, let's hope it doesn't come to that.

I managed to make a bit more progress myself this afternoon with possible ways forward should nothing come of these ghost jobs I've heard nothing about so far.  I can see an interesting path forward which might just about do the business and keep me in beer and food. I need now to work on that as rather than relying on a single stream of income I am looking at perhaps doing a number of small jobs all on a flexible basis.  It may just work.

Gradual Improvement

Today feels a bit better but I have to be cautiously optimistic in these things.  I'm reasonably happy this morning but could do better :-)  Life doesn't seem quite so bad at the moment and so that's a good start and there aren't many things to gripe about other than something I ordered hasn't turned up - I've kicked off a progress email and so hopefully that will sort things out.  If I haven't heard by tomorrow then I'll just go into cancel mode and get it elsewhere.  It's a good thing that I ordered way in advance of requirement.

I continue to formulate and pull together ideas for my potential future venture.  If I hear nothing from things that are out there at the moment I may just burn my bridges and draw a line under my last 20 years in the IT industry (oh yes and the charity) and move on to something new.  Getting stuck into something will I am sure give me the focus I need to sort out some of the other things in my life.  I'm looking at a number of things I could do and how these could all fit around each other.  Not easy as I'd like all of them to be flexible and move around to suit.  Well, that's the plan anyway.

At least it is a better day than I have had for quite a while and for that I'm grateful.

A Better Day

All around it has been a much better day today although I'm still not buzzing and hyperactive.  That will take some time I feel, unless I win the lottery on Tuesday night of course!

I keep looking back to the bit of advice that states you can't make all the changes you want (or need) in one go, you have to work them as you can and gradually.  There is no big bang and everything realigns itself to the way you want it to be.

Out tonight so getting ready for that, computer and cash bag needed as Treasurer for the Lodge.  It is normally a poorly attended meeting as it the one after the main Lodge meeting on Saturday added to that we have our annual committee meeting tomorrow and it could be a very quiet evening indeed.

Monday starts OK

The vacuum cleaner engineer arrived and undertook some major work replacing the motor and then some other components.  I purchased a new filter and so the total came to less than £10 for what looks and works like a new machine.  Thanks goodness for its 5 year guarantee. 

A chat with my business partner today also cheered me up a bit but of course he and I both suffer from people not getting back to us.  I am due 3 phone calls and he is due 2 and we've heard absolutely nothing.  Typical and the issue is that these calls actually influence what actions you are going to take next.

I'm in a reasonable sense of humour today certainly not as bad as I have been for a while but then I've done a number of chores and the vacuum cleaner is fixed, the Christmas food is now ordered and confirmed so we will at least be able to eat Christmas Day :-)

I am beginning to bring together my plans for a business way forward but not personal moving on at the moment - it's too difficult to think about and perhaps another week or two will bring the thoughts together.

Bad night better day

Have to say that I was pretty low last night when I got home, I really hate the silent treatment, apparently it was late and I'd have got a taxi back as it is no big deal.  Oh well.  Today was a little bit better but still it wasn't the greatest of days as the vacuum cleaner decided it wasn't going to work, some stuff on the Internet that I needed to do wouldn't work either and so I need to stay in for the engineer tomorrow and retry the order tomorrow too.

I spent some time planning and decided that I ought to at least look over my old notes and start to review the possibilities of working from home on a number of small projects that I have been considering.  Nothing major but some ideas that would keep the wolf from the door perhaps.

First though I need to make certain that things get sorted tomorrow and then move a small step at a time forward.  The day got better which was great but I must avoid these triggers that drop me into being down and depressed.  The trouble is, it isn't anything major it can be something very trivial and that catches me off guard and suddenly I'm really down and of course I can equally be up in no time too.

Nice Day

Shame I had to come home really.  Sounds bad?  Well that's how I feel at the moment.  I enjoyed some really good company and a lot of people seem to enjoy my company which is great.  Shame it had to end and that I'm now home and suddenly it's like a crushing weight.

Perhaps I should have stayed out and got a taxi back.  I think that next time I will do this.

Lodge later today

I have something to focus on to this afternoon.  It was a pretty appalling evening and L went back to Uni and A was late back from London and I may as well have not been there.

Oh well a meeting later this afternoon will cheer me up and I've got all my preparation done for that.  As Treasurer I have to collect and disburse the money so it can be quite entertaining for a while hoping I get enough money in to be able to pay out later :-)

I managed to do the bulk of my Christmas shopping online yesterday and now I just need to keep an eye open for the impulse purchases I normally make leading up to the day.

What an awful night

I'm absolutely knackered - I've hardly slept at all and my mind hasn't particularly been working on too much or been overactive.  I suppose if anything may have caused it, it was the realisation that not a lot is going to happen on the job front so I need to now revert to plan B perhaps in a few weeks time when I get back from Scotland.  That's if I get there with the flight now having changed twice!  

I think that week will be a bit of an interesting one for me as I'll be centre of attention for some of it and that will be nice.  I'll have some time to unwind a bit too.  It will be near enough Christmas to allow me to set a series of targets leading up to that and then go for it in 2013.  Of course not everything may be sorted out by then so there is that to consider as well.

Anyway, I'm up and about this morning, sorting out the back ups and sorting out my head too :-)

Missed a Birthday

26th October 2006 - first entry in this blog. 

Happy sixth birthday!  A lot has happened in 6 years.... :-)

Once again yuk!

Yes once again I feel like cr@p again.  Almost tearful tonight but that was probably because I was just a little annoyed with things (software wanting to reboot my PC when it was backing up and just doing it).  I kind of knew it was going to be difficult again tonight as L was coming home, A was going to be late and Mrs. F. kept losing various things around the house, mobile phone, keys, pens, receipts and then proceeded to clatter around just as I was listening to about episode 6 of 8 where the plot line was being explained.  A bit of catch up TV will be needed so I can at least understand what went on at the end.

There's the realisation that none of the three job prospects have gotten back to me and in some ways I'm relieved and in others disappointed but that's where I am with it and so I need to push on past that now and decide what to do next.

I'm having great difficulty expressing exactly what is wrong and what I need to happen and like many of these decisions I feel that I don't want to make them or say anything that would lead to a major falling out or lead to something worse and yet somehow I fear that is what might happen.  

Tomorrow I will see what I can do to move myself on a bit because now I can set a date in the calendar that will mean I have to make a decision and I will have to move things on as I cannot continue to procrastinate for much longer.

My backup system is in and despite other conflicting software trying to sabotage my initial back ups it appears to work just fine.  The only problem I foresee is that it is a little bit noisy sat as it is on top of my sub woofer by the TV and so I may have to work out someway of damping the sound of the fan.  Other than that it does seem to do the job very nicely indeed.   

Backup System Installed

Despite the doom and gloom mongers in the internet reviewing world, my Drobo-FS arrived this morning and within 5 minutes it was up and running.  Even a dolt like me can make it work and so I guess these reviewers must of had bad luck, were working for the opposition or were really thick. Mind you mine must have been delivered by an ex-SAS man as I didn't hear the doorbell and there was a card stuck through the door - I hate those but luckily it was left with my next door neighbour...

So now I have all the PCs backing up to the new RAID system and I am moving all my other date there too so that I will now have 3 or 4 instances of all data and some key files are double backed into the cloud too so that I can access those anywhere. With 2 x 3TB drives in play to start with I hope that I will have solved the loss of data issues at last.

I had a good afternoon and evening yesterday and it was great to see one of my friends who became the Master of his London Livery Company.  My goodness he has the most packed schedule this coming year.  It is the Lord Mayor's Show on Saturday and he will be there and has already had a series of functions to attend to.  What a wonderful thing that must be.  It is fascinating seeing the Livery Companies and their role in London (City) life.

The meeting was tinged with a little sadness too as we said goodbye to a very popular member who died in September.  I bumped into his son a few weeks ago and passed the time remembering the dads.  I like that my school friends and I who meet every month have a little toast to the dads when we meet, all 4 of us no longer have our dads with us.

I'm calling my mum everyday still but perhaps I will slowly get that to 2 or 3 times a week.  She is getting out and about a fair bit now and has applied for her bus pass which will be great as it will give her some mobility and freedom to go into town.

This morning has been a bit of a mixed bag.  Once the kit arrived I was happy enough but before that I was a bit flat again.  I'd had another series of quite vivid dreams and strangely enough the ones I remembered were exhausting mentally with so much going on and with surprisingly complex plots and sub plots.  I wish I could record them, some would make excellent books :-)  This one made some sense and then lost itself in some amazingly complex relationships.  I felt quite worn out when I finally snapped out of the dream.  

I have to say though I was quite bad for a short while and very depressed and then quite quickly I was past all of that and back on with the day.  Strange stuff indeed.  

I'm getting used to this bumping along the bottom and to the strange thoughts that pervade my waking day sometimes.  The dream had once more involved cancer and death and today I was drawn back into thinking that my demeanour might be something more.  That's how strange things are, I recollect my dad saying he hadn't been right for some time but couldn't put his finger on it and in a way that's how I am at the moment.  I haven't been right for some time but I'm pretty certain that it is all "in your head" not in my body.  At least I'm not getting any worse and I'm not in the really dark places when I do get depressed.  It's manageable shall we say.  

No news is good news

I guess that is the case especially when I had my scans etc.  Of course when you want to hear something or get a phone call (a watched phone never rings) nothing seems to happen.  So it's been weeks now since the opportunity at Wimbledon and absolutely nothing has happened.  Then there's the big job up in London and yes, you've guessed it, not a squeak either.  I think there was one other but I'm quite good at just dropping stuff out of my head if I think it doesn't have legs.

This does nothing to add to my current low feelings (shall we call them).  It isn't a surprise in reality that you don't get responses these days, there are too many applicants for the posts available and people no longer follow the social norms or writing to you etc.  I've had people ask me for a job and I've always had the decency to get back to them as normally I can't employ anyone due to the nature of my business but at least I have read their CV and can make suggestions on where they can look or what they might want to do to their CV to improve it etc.  It is after all common courtesy and decency to do so, I treat people how I would like to be treated generally although as you probably know if you are about to try and sell me something I don't want, have phoned me and are wasting my time or are some other waste of Oxygen, you will be told in a more colourful way what I think of you :-)

So back to not hearing anything.  It will be what it will be, I know that.  I find it somewhat amusing that like many of these things I still, after all these years, get excited by the prospect of possibly getting a gig and then finding out that there isn't even a follow up at all :-)  It shouldn't affect me anymore, I've been there, got the Tee Shirt, the DVD, Blue Ray, book and everything!  However it has to affect you because it re enforces the conclusions I've already arrived at and that is that I probably would only be doing those jobs for the wrong reasons.  The money mainly followed by the status of the jobs too (they build you up as you call the shots and run the projects etc).  Yet as I saw last week, I hate the commute now and whilst I find people fascinating, I certainly found the commute to be stressful and full of unhealthy and unfriendly people.  There's nothing remotely civilised about being transported to and from work in cattle trucks and perhaps I just need now to nail that into my decision making process.  I do sometimes look at the salaries and the conditions and expect one to offset the other but I am erring more towards living than having all the trappings.

The more I don't hear back, the more I'm leaning towards doing my own thing.  The trouble with that is that it is a home based business and I think that has some dangers considering I've been working at home for a number of years now.

Nice Walk

I'm lucky as I live very close to the countryside and the sun was shining nicely and we, Mrs. F., A and I went for a long walk through the woods checking for damage to the Ash trees from this new horrible disease that may wipe them out.  We certainly had a nice walk and then came through the football field through the oldest part of the village and to the local pub where we had a drink and some food.  So that was nice.

I was OK with that and enjoyed the walk and the fresh air but you know what?  I still have no idea on what I want to do.  I couldn't tell you other than the extremes of my thinking.  The extremes are indeed extreme, this involves me taking off and leaving everything behind and just going somewhere and living a simple existence, reading, writing and perhaps doing some sort of research work, painting and sketching, being some sort of artisan, sculpture or something constructive.  Don't ask me why that would be, I have no idea but that's what is screaming out from me at the moment.  I want to live in a small cottage and be involved in a local community and make a small difference but more than anything else I want to be away from this life I live now. 

So that's the extreme of my thinking but it is strangely a place in my dreams and my imagination that I'm comfortable with.  I fancy this being in the countryside or by the sea and I envisage that I would have some sort of comfy room surrounded by my books and there would be a desk and roaring fire.  Happy enough with my own company most of the time, there would be a local country pub and happy locals to spend the odd social evening with.

It appears to me that this is some sort of message and reaction to current situation, perhaps fight or flee reaction.  I note that there is no room for anyone else in these visions and plans at all.  It is all about me running away and rebuilding some sort of idyllic life for myself and just spend the time really enjoying what I like.  I find myself trying to work during the day at the moment and maybe I should be spending some more time out and about, perhaps reading or learning to play the piano better than I can now and all the other things I ought to be doing.

I have Lodge meetings later (today now) and that will take away some time for thinking and considering what to do for today.  From next week onwards, crazy November takes over as I have meetings almost one after the other for 2 weeks.  I just hope I can keep track of it all.