I started going to the Jazz night in 1988, I think in the May of that year because Mrs. F. came with me on the first two but not thereafter and I went on my own shortly after we moved into our present house in July 1988. Tonight they called it a day and the last Jazz night was performed with just one of the original members in attendance. It just isn't viable for him to travel the distance and the audience is getting smaller as the older ones die off and failing health grabs them.
It's the end of that era and one that I've enjoyed very much but life goes on. The members of the band will go on and do other things and there's talk of some of them coming back next year anyway to do something similar. In the 24 years who could have predicted what would have happened and since then we've had children who have grown up and are at Uni and work. We've had 6 elections and I've changed from working in construction to IT. Lots of stuff has changed. I was in my early 30s and things were just about to take off :-)
Yes, it is the end of an era. The Piano player has cancer and his own battles to go and fight, of the initial members one has died and the others gone their own way, players have come and gone and once a month I've been able to go and see great musicianship at a cheap price, had some good beer and great company. Of the 5 regulars that used to go there are only the 2 of us remaining. Many of our number have come and gone. It's a bit like life really.
I'm in a reasonably good mood at the moment, I've pulled myself out of some of the rut I was in and tried to work on some of my problems. I hope that I can just work a little harder on keeping positive in these next few weeks.
Wednesday, December 05, 2012
Well that's a little better
They can't find anything wrong with mum so that's good - she thought she might have a lump in her breast but scans and checks all done and she is fine which is a weight of her mind and I guess mine - maybe that also added to my bad day yesterday. Today is getting better. I finished off the silicone in the bathroom and the pipes - a few hours and the ob was done and I've been putting it off for far too long!
I will tackle Christmas Cards and Newsletters tomorrow and get those out of the way and then move on to wrapping presents and slowly work my way back into being active and getting things done.
I've also had time to do some planning and think things through which is also useful as I need to work out what I'm thinking of doing. I've not heard back from the massive corporate as of yet - I will give them a day or so and then write once again and see if they've figured out that they have the wrong link on their email to me. It's hilarious if you think about it.
I'm certainly feeling a lot better this afternoon than I was yesterday - let's hope that it stays that way.
I will tackle Christmas Cards and Newsletters tomorrow and get those out of the way and then move on to wrapping presents and slowly work my way back into being active and getting things done.
I've also had time to do some planning and think things through which is also useful as I need to work out what I'm thinking of doing. I've not heard back from the massive corporate as of yet - I will give them a day or so and then write once again and see if they've figured out that they have the wrong link on their email to me. It's hilarious if you think about it.
I'm certainly feeling a lot better this afternoon than I was yesterday - let's hope that it stays that way.
Things aren't solved but it's better
Snow on the ground outside (would be worrying if inside I suppose) which wasn't expected last night in the weather forecast, and the start of a better day for me. I haven't been as bad as yesterday for a very long time indeed. I'm not brilliant today but yesterday was absolutely horrible. The trigger, if there was one, was getting that "test" email through from the potential future employer and then seeing that they hadn't got part of it right. Suddenly the ground opened up beneath me and I was in a horrible place.
The alarm bells going off should be asking why did that set me off. It's obvious in my mind that I'm going for a job that I shouldn't be and doing it for the wrong reasons. I'm trying to please other people and not myself and I'm also concerned that it's running away from the issues I'm trying to iron out. There's one other thing that may also be playing on my mind and that's my mother is in hospital today to have a check up on an unusual lump and I'm sure that that is also playing on my mind too. Having already lost my father to Cancer this year I'm not sure what I'd do if my mother was found to have cancer or something serious.
At least today I am a little more with it and feeling somewhat better than yesterday so one small reason to be thankful for a good nights sleep.
The alarm bells going off should be asking why did that set me off. It's obvious in my mind that I'm going for a job that I shouldn't be and doing it for the wrong reasons. I'm trying to please other people and not myself and I'm also concerned that it's running away from the issues I'm trying to iron out. There's one other thing that may also be playing on my mind and that's my mother is in hospital today to have a check up on an unusual lump and I'm sure that that is also playing on my mind too. Having already lost my father to Cancer this year I'm not sure what I'd do if my mother was found to have cancer or something serious.
At least today I am a little more with it and feeling somewhat better than yesterday so one small reason to be thankful for a good nights sleep.
Tuesday, December 04, 2012
An Unexpected Outing
I didn't go to the ex-works do - I knew that I'd be in the totally wrong frame of mind and I'm up for a fight with anyone who will give me one. I'm angry, upset, confused, tearful and generally in a very uncomfortable place right now. I'm completely unstable emotionally and my logic isn't working properly and my spider senses are ringing bells everywhere.
Out of the blue I got a text message. I'd had a bath and tried to chill down and then had tea. The text said a friend of mine was in town and would I like to meet for a beer. Well yes I would. I wasn't' right but let's meet anyway - I know I need to be out of the house. Another very good friend was there too and I was able to just bounce some nonsense off of him tonight and that's been very good. I'm in a bit of a mess here as I have a conundrum to solve. I go for this high pressure job and it pays great and it takes me back 15 years into my high flying consultancy days but, as my friend reminds me, those were the days that led to my downfall in the first place, the high flying days burning the candle at both ends and the stress and the pressure actually may have been part of the cause of my cancer.
That's actually in the back of my mind. Also in the back of my mind is that I get back to where I live, eat and breathe. Where I make a difference, where my career has meaning where I am valued and (let's face it) paid a decent wedge for what I know and what I can do for my customers. But can I hack that life any longer and am I just going to use it to get out of the house for prolonged periods of time and not be here and just live the life? There's the trap and there's the concern. I may not be wanting this for the right reasons and using it as a means to an end.
Life at the moment is one of walking on egg shells, balancing on quick sand and trying to balance so many things at once that there is every possibility they will all fall to the ground at the same time. All the balls cannot be kept in the air at once. I'm in need of a hiatus but it isn't happening now in the short term. It will have to happen soon though as I can't keep trying to balance all these permutations. Oh well - time to get to bed and try and get some sleep - that didn't work at all last night - let's hope the addition of a few pints of beer will allow me to sleep through tonight.
Out of the blue I got a text message. I'd had a bath and tried to chill down and then had tea. The text said a friend of mine was in town and would I like to meet for a beer. Well yes I would. I wasn't' right but let's meet anyway - I know I need to be out of the house. Another very good friend was there too and I was able to just bounce some nonsense off of him tonight and that's been very good. I'm in a bit of a mess here as I have a conundrum to solve. I go for this high pressure job and it pays great and it takes me back 15 years into my high flying consultancy days but, as my friend reminds me, those were the days that led to my downfall in the first place, the high flying days burning the candle at both ends and the stress and the pressure actually may have been part of the cause of my cancer.
That's actually in the back of my mind. Also in the back of my mind is that I get back to where I live, eat and breathe. Where I make a difference, where my career has meaning where I am valued and (let's face it) paid a decent wedge for what I know and what I can do for my customers. But can I hack that life any longer and am I just going to use it to get out of the house for prolonged periods of time and not be here and just live the life? There's the trap and there's the concern. I may not be wanting this for the right reasons and using it as a means to an end.
Life at the moment is one of walking on egg shells, balancing on quick sand and trying to balance so many things at once that there is every possibility they will all fall to the ground at the same time. All the balls cannot be kept in the air at once. I'm in need of a hiatus but it isn't happening now in the short term. It will have to happen soon though as I can't keep trying to balance all these permutations. Oh well - time to get to bed and try and get some sleep - that didn't work at all last night - let's hope the addition of a few pints of beer will allow me to sleep through tonight.
That's Interesting
I feel quite queasy and I've figured out that it is to do with an email that arrived this morning requesting I take a verbal and numerical reasoning test. Not that the tests worry me that much but progressing with the job application does. That may not make sense but my heart really isn't in it at all. The last thing I want to do is go back to Corporate life but then again the money is good as is the overall package. The real trouble being that it just diverts me away from sorting things out and allows me to duck a number of things.
I know that I should tackle all these problems but in tackling them I'm very concious of the fallout and wreckage I might leave (real or imagined). Success in getting the job may mean that it allows me to just go off and do my own thing anyway running away from any problems.
I'll see how I feel about this in a day or two, I have time to prepare and take the tests. Mind you I've already found that their email points to a web site address that doesn't exist and I've asked for clarification on that - it makes them look amateurs but there you go...
I know that I should tackle all these problems but in tackling them I'm very concious of the fallout and wreckage I might leave (real or imagined). Success in getting the job may mean that it allows me to just go off and do my own thing anyway running away from any problems.
I'll see how I feel about this in a day or two, I have time to prepare and take the tests. Mind you I've already found that their email points to a web site address that doesn't exist and I've asked for clarification on that - it makes them look amateurs but there you go...
Ex-Works Do tonight
I'm not up for that yet, I still don't feel I can keep a civil tongue in my head with some of them. I do find a few of my ex-colleagues have their heads shoved up their arse and I don't deal with their type very well at all. If you want a yes man who kowtow to the norm then you've got the wrong man for that.
In my present state of mind it isn't actually going to do me any good meeting some of these guys. They're not all like that just a handful of them and after all it's 14 years since I was there last and some still act as if they're your lord and master. In another frame of mind I might just be able to do it.
Well the excitement is that at last there is some movement on the job hunt front as the email that asks me to do some on-line tests has arrived. That should be a laugh as I inevitably score badly in these things because my mind works differently to most. Oh well, nothing ventured, nothing gained I suppose.
I'm a little better than I was yesterday in overall demeanour but I still have a really heavy chest and a headache just painful enough to be there nagging away. At least I have completed the Newsletters and can get on with writing the Christmas Cards and sending those. I will do far more by email this year than post - the cost is prohibitive and Royal Mail thumped up their prices earlier in the year - probably in response to falling demand and the threat from email - you have to wonder where they get their thought leadership from...
BTW - when I say heavy chest what it means is that I am prone to be sighing a lot and it sort of feels as if my body is heavier than it really is. Anyway, feeling blah at the moment and hopefully will snap out of it down the week.
In my present state of mind it isn't actually going to do me any good meeting some of these guys. They're not all like that just a handful of them and after all it's 14 years since I was there last and some still act as if they're your lord and master. In another frame of mind I might just be able to do it.
Well the excitement is that at last there is some movement on the job hunt front as the email that asks me to do some on-line tests has arrived. That should be a laugh as I inevitably score badly in these things because my mind works differently to most. Oh well, nothing ventured, nothing gained I suppose.
I'm a little better than I was yesterday in overall demeanour but I still have a really heavy chest and a headache just painful enough to be there nagging away. At least I have completed the Newsletters and can get on with writing the Christmas Cards and sending those. I will do far more by email this year than post - the cost is prohibitive and Royal Mail thumped up their prices earlier in the year - probably in response to falling demand and the threat from email - you have to wonder where they get their thought leadership from...
BTW - when I say heavy chest what it means is that I am prone to be sighing a lot and it sort of feels as if my body is heavier than it really is. Anyway, feeling blah at the moment and hopefully will snap out of it down the week.
Picked up a bit
Out tonight and the lads cheered me up a bit - must watch out though I was taking no prisoners with the sarcasm - I can be a little too sharp tongued sometimes.
I do feel massively low though and I know what it is - I'm not telling you though but it's more about us than me let's say.
Suddenly it's three weeks to go to Christmas and I'm in a very strange place and need to snap out of that and get back on track. Later today Flocky and I will sort out Mrs. F's and my Christmas Luncheon which is happening this Sunday. I'm delighted that we will have close to 120 people attend the day. That really is nice. I could have done without the "assistance" of one of our friends who was telling us about this fab offer so we could get raffle prizes (which I've already got) and turned up today with a massive box of chocolates that she got in the sale that I had to offer to pay for. With help like that - well it was a nice idea but we've already got the prizes so it's just more expense!
I'd better go to bed - have to be up in the morning so we can tackle the tricky bit of the seating plan and who sits next to whom... :-)
I do feel massively low though and I know what it is - I'm not telling you though but it's more about us than me let's say.
Suddenly it's three weeks to go to Christmas and I'm in a very strange place and need to snap out of that and get back on track. Later today Flocky and I will sort out Mrs. F's and my Christmas Luncheon which is happening this Sunday. I'm delighted that we will have close to 120 people attend the day. That really is nice. I could have done without the "assistance" of one of our friends who was telling us about this fab offer so we could get raffle prizes (which I've already got) and turned up today with a massive box of chocolates that she got in the sale that I had to offer to pay for. With help like that - well it was a nice idea but we've already got the prizes so it's just more expense!
I'd better go to bed - have to be up in the morning so we can tackle the tricky bit of the seating plan and who sits next to whom... :-)
Monday, December 03, 2012
The Basement
Don't know what it is this morning but I'm back in the basement again and feeling pretty low. Yesterday's meal was very nice but once again I really only got going after an hour or so.
I can't quite work out why this should be but there you go, I'm just going to work my way through this and see if I can pull myself up.
As it is December I think I will now concentrate on getting Christmas and the New Year out of the way and forget about the job (although no reasons not to stop planning). I have plenty to do and if I get myself organised I can work my way through all of this.
I can't really begin to explain what this is like other than a total weariness and a lack of enthusiasm to do anything.
I can't quite work out why this should be but there you go, I'm just going to work my way through this and see if I can pull myself up.
As it is December I think I will now concentrate on getting Christmas and the New Year out of the way and forget about the job (although no reasons not to stop planning). I have plenty to do and if I get myself organised I can work my way through all of this.
I can't really begin to explain what this is like other than a total weariness and a lack of enthusiasm to do anything.
Sunday, December 02, 2012
December already
Strange feeling especially after having my second Christmas meal last night at a Lodge meeting I went to over in Surrey. It was a lovely meeting and there were a number of Hungarian Masons there which was nice to see. I ended up being asked to respond for the visitors, I tend to forget that those who have heard me speak are happy for me to get up and say a few words and compliment everyone which I managed to do admirably last night I'm pleased to say and even remembered my joke....
I used to keep a file of jokes - perhaps I ought to recommence that as I was worried whether I could magic a joke up. I'm fine in casual situations as I can use what the group are saying to fire an idea. Anyway that all went very well and I'm delighted that it did. I have no idea though how these things go as I tend to concentrate on performance and not on reaction from the crowd but they said it was good so that's OK I suppose.
Good old Flocky Bicep picked me up and dropped me off which was also a bonus.
Later this morning we are off for lunch with the "Holiday Gang" - 3 couples, our children all grew up together. We meet every Christmas Eve and the day after Boxing Day (our turn this year). Gosh, we've known each other 22 years! We arranged a number of holidays that were just great fun - we get on quite well together which is surprising considering how different we all are. But it is nice to meet up, we don't so often these days - perhaps 4 or 5 times a year and 2 or 3 times at Christmas.
And it's December and one more delivery will complete my gift shopping. I now need to get into wrapping, writing and cleaning mode. I will start tomorrow doing that as I have a stack of things to finish off in quite a short space of time.
I used to keep a file of jokes - perhaps I ought to recommence that as I was worried whether I could magic a joke up. I'm fine in casual situations as I can use what the group are saying to fire an idea. Anyway that all went very well and I'm delighted that it did. I have no idea though how these things go as I tend to concentrate on performance and not on reaction from the crowd but they said it was good so that's OK I suppose.
Good old Flocky Bicep picked me up and dropped me off which was also a bonus.
Later this morning we are off for lunch with the "Holiday Gang" - 3 couples, our children all grew up together. We meet every Christmas Eve and the day after Boxing Day (our turn this year). Gosh, we've known each other 22 years! We arranged a number of holidays that were just great fun - we get on quite well together which is surprising considering how different we all are. But it is nice to meet up, we don't so often these days - perhaps 4 or 5 times a year and 2 or 3 times at Christmas.
And it's December and one more delivery will complete my gift shopping. I now need to get into wrapping, writing and cleaning mode. I will start tomorrow doing that as I have a stack of things to finish off in quite a short space of time.
Saturday, December 01, 2012
Thoughts of Dad
Funny that an evening interrupted by the odd thoughts and reminiscences - that's not at all a bad thing I reflect.
Mrs. F. said she was going out and so I reminded her that so was I - which came as a shock to both of us as neither knew the other was going out......
We are both out tomorrow meeting with some friends and that will be fun (I hope).
Mrs. F. said she was going out and so I reminded her that so was I - which came as a shock to both of us as neither knew the other was going out......
We are both out tomorrow meeting with some friends and that will be fun (I hope).
Friday, November 30, 2012
Better Day
It seemed to be a better day today and I'm a bit more positive and feeling a little bit better about things. That was until I wrote, or rather started to, the family newsletter for insertion with the Christmas Cards. I got to the bit about my dad and had to stop and just take 5 minutes to stop feeling bad about those last few days of his life. I'll not forget what day it was and in many ways I knew when I left him the week before that it probably was the last time I'd see him, alive that is. Mind you I decided not to see him when I eventually got up there, in many ways I wanted to remember him in another way.
I've almost finished the newsletter now and I guess these thoughts come and slap you around the face when you least expect them to. It's getting towards Christmas - a time he loved - and he wont be there. I'm going up in a few weeks for a couple of days - such is my diary that I'm blocked out a lot in the next few weeks and don't actually have a weekend free. I've been out for most of the last two weeks as well which gives an indication of my diary.
I've almost finished the newsletter now and I guess these thoughts come and slap you around the face when you least expect them to. It's getting towards Christmas - a time he loved - and he wont be there. I'm going up in a few weeks for a couple of days - such is my diary that I'm blocked out a lot in the next few weeks and don't actually have a weekend free. I've been out for most of the last two weeks as well which gives an indication of my diary.
Better Day
Ah, well the sun is out, it's mighty cold though and the frost hasn't gone yet except where the sun has dissolved it :-)
I'm still waiting for Christmas to arrive (my two outstanding parcels) but having missed my meeting this morning waiting in for them, L has now called and wants a lift from the station - which is fine but what if I miss my delivery? I won't be happy about that at all.
I've a better feeling about things at the moment and I put that down to the weather and to beginning to see various avenues open to me. I am trying to put together a number of possibilities that will allow me to work on a number of projects at once. The ideas just need to crystallise in my head a bit more before I test them out. I'm hoping to pull together a way of commencing short and long term projects together which would balance income and allow me to work on the long term stuff ready for that to take over in due course.
I'm still waiting for Christmas to arrive (my two outstanding parcels) but having missed my meeting this morning waiting in for them, L has now called and wants a lift from the station - which is fine but what if I miss my delivery? I won't be happy about that at all.
I've a better feeling about things at the moment and I put that down to the weather and to beginning to see various avenues open to me. I am trying to put together a number of possibilities that will allow me to work on a number of projects at once. The ideas just need to crystallise in my head a bit more before I test them out. I'm hoping to pull together a way of commencing short and long term projects together which would balance income and allow me to work on the long term stuff ready for that to take over in due course.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Walk Forwards, Don't Look Back...
Not sure if that is right or not? It's a thing I have difficultly doing anyway but there's a good point here about you can learn from what's happened but you mustn't dwell on things that perhaps you regret. These things have happened and they are in the past and as much as you may regret decisions or outcomes, you cannot do anything now to change them. You can of course learn and move on.
Behind lies a path that's trodden and is now history, it contains many good and some not so good times but it's the past. They say your past can catch up to you and it felt a bit like that last night. I felt myself staring at one of the young ladies (but I probably wasn't) as she looked so familiar to someone I knew 35 or more years ago. It was a bit of a shock actually now I've had a chance to think about it.
Anyway, looking forward is the next thing and who can say what will happen and how things will pan out. I feel that I'd like to have a different type of life to what I have now. I want to spend free time doing pleasurable things and not having the one eyed god playing in the corner of the room. Then again, I'd enjoy that but would other people - is that their vision and what they want out of life? I fancy a place of fine wine, good sounds, nice food. good friends etc. That just doesn't happen - getting in from work all stressed out and the last thing you want to do is to chill out (that's not me talking).
The way forward isn't fully clear to me but there's some key components that I'd like to see and these include spending time actually enjoying the time off work and when we are in the same house. I've barely seen Mrs. F. for well over a week now and I admit it being a partial plan of mine to instil into both of us what it will be like for me to no longer be around once again like I used to be 10 years and more ago when I worked away and whilst that was happening, fed the family pretty well too. No it's more for me to evaluate what being alone might be like and also for Mrs. F. to be reminded of the past and what it used to be like before I became ill.
I'm not advocating playing away from home but I am saying that absence is helping me think things through. It's a bit annoying that I have to be at home tomorrow now as I really wanted to go to the History Society meeting in the Village. - I might sleep on that or hope that delivery arrives in the morning and I can get to go.
I'm now away from formulating strategies and into testing my hypothesis to see if it will fit.
Behind lies a path that's trodden and is now history, it contains many good and some not so good times but it's the past. They say your past can catch up to you and it felt a bit like that last night. I felt myself staring at one of the young ladies (but I probably wasn't) as she looked so familiar to someone I knew 35 or more years ago. It was a bit of a shock actually now I've had a chance to think about it.
Anyway, looking forward is the next thing and who can say what will happen and how things will pan out. I feel that I'd like to have a different type of life to what I have now. I want to spend free time doing pleasurable things and not having the one eyed god playing in the corner of the room. Then again, I'd enjoy that but would other people - is that their vision and what they want out of life? I fancy a place of fine wine, good sounds, nice food. good friends etc. That just doesn't happen - getting in from work all stressed out and the last thing you want to do is to chill out (that's not me talking).
The way forward isn't fully clear to me but there's some key components that I'd like to see and these include spending time actually enjoying the time off work and when we are in the same house. I've barely seen Mrs. F. for well over a week now and I admit it being a partial plan of mine to instil into both of us what it will be like for me to no longer be around once again like I used to be 10 years and more ago when I worked away and whilst that was happening, fed the family pretty well too. No it's more for me to evaluate what being alone might be like and also for Mrs. F. to be reminded of the past and what it used to be like before I became ill.
I'm not advocating playing away from home but I am saying that absence is helping me think things through. It's a bit annoying that I have to be at home tomorrow now as I really wanted to go to the History Society meeting in the Village. - I might sleep on that or hope that delivery arrives in the morning and I can get to go.
I'm now away from formulating strategies and into testing my hypothesis to see if it will fit.
Shake Down
This morning I've chased up my last two presents - one is a replacement and one is outstanding. That will then be all my presents sorted out. I can now get on with the Newsletters and the Christmas Cards and just getting ready.
Another job came through today but this is the same ones who had the job in Wimbledon and never ever got back to me about it and do I've consigned it to the delete bin.
I'm busy transferring tracks from cassettes (remember them?) to MP3. This is quite easy using Audacity and just uploading them to my backup server thingy. I have no idea if these are actually worth anything to anyone, I have hundreds of them lying around but not for much longer as I want rid of them. I have a load of vinyl which also needs to be sorted out and recorded before getting rid of them too. Some of them have a value and so I might try and sell them on. Certainly some of the early Promos I have may be valuable to the right buyer.
I had a good night last night and I'm out again tonight, it's keeping me distracted I suppose. I continue working on some ideas for the New Year and I hope that I'll have something finalised in the next few weeks or at least a way forward. As I suggested before it requires things to be stable at this end to get on and do these things and it requires me to get my head into the right frame of mind too.
Another job came through today but this is the same ones who had the job in Wimbledon and never ever got back to me about it and do I've consigned it to the delete bin.
I'm busy transferring tracks from cassettes (remember them?) to MP3. This is quite easy using Audacity and just uploading them to my backup server thingy. I have no idea if these are actually worth anything to anyone, I have hundreds of them lying around but not for much longer as I want rid of them. I have a load of vinyl which also needs to be sorted out and recorded before getting rid of them too. Some of them have a value and so I might try and sell them on. Certainly some of the early Promos I have may be valuable to the right buyer.
I had a good night last night and I'm out again tonight, it's keeping me distracted I suppose. I continue working on some ideas for the New Year and I hope that I'll have something finalised in the next few weeks or at least a way forward. As I suggested before it requires things to be stable at this end to get on and do these things and it requires me to get my head into the right frame of mind too.
Music
Is my one fall-back and today I just hit the button and this came on:
"Fix You"
When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Now Coldplay are a band that you either like or not (Marmite) but I quite like them as a stadium band but this is one of my favourite songs. It was one of the songs I listened to as I went for my operation - the first one - the one that saved my life. Today it is as powerful as it was then, generally it grabs me and stirs me up and makes me cry but somehow in an uplifting way. Strange that it should play tonight of all nights.
Then this came on:
"The Scientist"
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a science apart
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start.
I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Don't speak as loud as my heart
And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start
Ooooohhhhhhh [x4]
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a science apart
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start.
I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Don't speak as loud as my heart
And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start
Ooooohhhhhhh [x4]
Exactly. Blue eyes haunt me...
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Something Different
Went out tonight with some friends - 3 guys and 3 gals. It was a really good night and a little bizarre too. We started at my local and had a good few beers and then had a nice Curry and just enjoyed each others company.
I have to say that I'm really taken with one of the gals as she reminds me so much of a girl I knew way, way, way back in my youth. She has the looks and the most amazing eyes and it was really nice to see her - I hadn't expected her to turn up at all. It was just a nice evening out and my local Indian restaurant did us very well even to the point where I asked for a spare glass for my friend and they were very pleased to give that to me gratis.
They are nice guys at the restaurant but it is obvious that they use it as a training ground for the young waiters who must progress on to bigger and greater things.
So, here I am, I have no idea what to make of the evening other than it was very enjoyable. Yikes, this girl/lady has the most hypnotic blue eyes, great sense of humour and turned up when I wasn't expecting it. I have absolutely no idea what it all means anyway as I'm so screwed up at the moment and I don't get any signals whatsoever.....
Damn wouldn't it be good if for once it was all obvious to me what to do?
I have to say that I'm really taken with one of the gals as she reminds me so much of a girl I knew way, way, way back in my youth. She has the looks and the most amazing eyes and it was really nice to see her - I hadn't expected her to turn up at all. It was just a nice evening out and my local Indian restaurant did us very well even to the point where I asked for a spare glass for my friend and they were very pleased to give that to me gratis.
They are nice guys at the restaurant but it is obvious that they use it as a training ground for the young waiters who must progress on to bigger and greater things.
So, here I am, I have no idea what to make of the evening other than it was very enjoyable. Yikes, this girl/lady has the most hypnotic blue eyes, great sense of humour and turned up when I wasn't expecting it. I have absolutely no idea what it all means anyway as I'm so screwed up at the moment and I don't get any signals whatsoever.....
Damn wouldn't it be good if for once it was all obvious to me what to do?
My Mum woke me up this morning
Which is pretty impressive as she lives a good 120+ miles away :-) Actually she called me just gone 10 and I was fast asleep :-) I must have dozed back to sleep and I'm not surprised as I was tired yesterday and from the exertions of the past week.
I'm wrestling with a balance problem - not in my body but in what I do next. It was nice to have a chat with this chap yesterday about his company woes and in some ways I'd enjoy being back in that sort of situation again although he needed to kick some arse frankly and lay the law down - I'd have enjoyed doing this sort of thing...
No what has been bugging me is that I reckon I have some plans that I would like to do to raise some funds and keep the metaphorical Wolf from the door. They rely heavily on being in this house or having full support from everyone. These aren't direct employment opportunities nor will they raise cash from day one - perhaps day 90 or 120 but certainly not straight away. They involve remodelling my office and taking up space in either the garage or shed both of which are storing large amounts of stuff that isn't being used. However, if we were to move elsewhere that may not be possible.
Once again, I am reminded that I need to sort both things out not just one for each is reliant on the other to some extent.
I'm wrestling with a balance problem - not in my body but in what I do next. It was nice to have a chat with this chap yesterday about his company woes and in some ways I'd enjoy being back in that sort of situation again although he needed to kick some arse frankly and lay the law down - I'd have enjoyed doing this sort of thing...
No what has been bugging me is that I reckon I have some plans that I would like to do to raise some funds and keep the metaphorical Wolf from the door. They rely heavily on being in this house or having full support from everyone. These aren't direct employment opportunities nor will they raise cash from day one - perhaps day 90 or 120 but certainly not straight away. They involve remodelling my office and taking up space in either the garage or shed both of which are storing large amounts of stuff that isn't being used. However, if we were to move elsewhere that may not be possible.
Once again, I am reminded that I need to sort both things out not just one for each is reliant on the other to some extent.
It's all in your mind
"Mr. Tweedy, all in your mind!" - good old Chicken Run - a harmless piece of entertainment if ever there was.
I've been troubled by many thoughts in these past few years, it's getting worse and and whilst I have a potential resolution to these I am actually uncertain if it will actually resolve things. I'm being obtuse on purpose at the moment as I'm exploring scenarios and thinking things through very thoroughly, such is my way. I'm normally like this but then normally it is to do with business and not personal life.
As I write, Bridge over Troubled Water has just come on - poignant indeed. Most, if not all of the problems I have are almost without exception my problems. The reason I say that is that it was my illness that led me to make some fundamental changes and those changes place me at the centre of that change, no one else has been asked to change and neither do I want my illness to change them.
That was difficult to write and it still isn't clear is it? Let's try again. The person most affected by Bladder Cancer was me. Whatever the outcome, life would continue in a normal and predictable way because there was nothing that the remainder of the family could possibly do to affect the outcome even if they had changed their lifestyles it wouldn't have made a jot of difference to my fortune in surviving. If we assume that everyone was travelling along in the same general direction at the time of diagnosis, things were going well enough and life functioned much as it had done for many years. Post diagnosis, it is as if I am a totally different person, I still have my absurd sense of humour and if anything I am a much lighter touch person, far more tolerant than I was and generally a much nicer all around human being. But that isn't the actual point still. I am changed in terms of outlook and attitude and now more than ever struggling to work out what I am going to do next. As such, I look to have diverted off the general direction everyone else was travelling in. I'm off some side road (perhaps a cul de sac) trying to get my new Sat Nav to work properly. I have a vision of how things could be in the future and the frightening thing is that I doubt anyone will understand or appreciate what I want or why I should want it. Why the hell should they, it isn't about them it is about me and the last thing I want is to impose my new sets of values, principles and ideas on them.
I'm full of great ideas and things that I could do but I do not see these being huge money spinners nor do I see them being much more than some sort of fantasy at the moment. I hated going up to London (and back) the other day it was uncomfortable to say the least. My claustrophobia is taking more effort to control and I am I'm not getting things done despite having time to do things - I spend time at the moment researching various ideas and trying to see if they are feasible or just pipe dreams.
In essence though I'd like to work for myself and in two or three areas that look as if they could complement each other but I'd need to make sure that the conditions will be available for them. I can only see them being successful if I have the full cooperation of the family and I currently doubt that I do have that. So it's a bit of a double edged sword in the fact that I probably can't do what I want to do without cooperation which I currently may not have. Urggghhh, it's just so difficult to get some sort of plan together, it's probably more complicated than the biggest projects I've ever handled :-) The Risk profile is horrendous too.
I've been troubled by many thoughts in these past few years, it's getting worse and and whilst I have a potential resolution to these I am actually uncertain if it will actually resolve things. I'm being obtuse on purpose at the moment as I'm exploring scenarios and thinking things through very thoroughly, such is my way. I'm normally like this but then normally it is to do with business and not personal life.
As I write, Bridge over Troubled Water has just come on - poignant indeed. Most, if not all of the problems I have are almost without exception my problems. The reason I say that is that it was my illness that led me to make some fundamental changes and those changes place me at the centre of that change, no one else has been asked to change and neither do I want my illness to change them.
That was difficult to write and it still isn't clear is it? Let's try again. The person most affected by Bladder Cancer was me. Whatever the outcome, life would continue in a normal and predictable way because there was nothing that the remainder of the family could possibly do to affect the outcome even if they had changed their lifestyles it wouldn't have made a jot of difference to my fortune in surviving. If we assume that everyone was travelling along in the same general direction at the time of diagnosis, things were going well enough and life functioned much as it had done for many years. Post diagnosis, it is as if I am a totally different person, I still have my absurd sense of humour and if anything I am a much lighter touch person, far more tolerant than I was and generally a much nicer all around human being. But that isn't the actual point still. I am changed in terms of outlook and attitude and now more than ever struggling to work out what I am going to do next. As such, I look to have diverted off the general direction everyone else was travelling in. I'm off some side road (perhaps a cul de sac) trying to get my new Sat Nav to work properly. I have a vision of how things could be in the future and the frightening thing is that I doubt anyone will understand or appreciate what I want or why I should want it. Why the hell should they, it isn't about them it is about me and the last thing I want is to impose my new sets of values, principles and ideas on them.
I'm full of great ideas and things that I could do but I do not see these being huge money spinners nor do I see them being much more than some sort of fantasy at the moment. I hated going up to London (and back) the other day it was uncomfortable to say the least. My claustrophobia is taking more effort to control and I am I'm not getting things done despite having time to do things - I spend time at the moment researching various ideas and trying to see if they are feasible or just pipe dreams.
In essence though I'd like to work for myself and in two or three areas that look as if they could complement each other but I'd need to make sure that the conditions will be available for them. I can only see them being successful if I have the full cooperation of the family and I currently doubt that I do have that. So it's a bit of a double edged sword in the fact that I probably can't do what I want to do without cooperation which I currently may not have. Urggghhh, it's just so difficult to get some sort of plan together, it's probably more complicated than the biggest projects I've ever handled :-) The Risk profile is horrendous too.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Thinking - I do too much of it
Interesting conversation - yes not quite what I thought it might be so silly old me thinking too much as usual. Had a nice chat with business colleague of a friend and helped (I think) get their thinking straight. They can come back and chat some more, where upon my business partner was around and we went out for a late coffee after the call I had.
Funny as we were driving back, a head hunter called him so I left the car and him too it at my house - hopefully it will be a good job opportunity for him, after all, he deserves something good to happen to him.
I've been a bit of a grumpy today, not happy with something or other, not happy with Mrs. F and I backed out of a couple of one-liners I was about to deliver as they weren't appropriate nor were they "big or clever" :-) If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all I suppose.
Had some of my deliveries turn up today but unfortunately so badly packed that one of the chocolate items was smashed to pieces. It was a particularly badly packed parcel I'd say. The customer service experience isn't great and I think it would help these guys immensely if they saw the Amazon model which I've never had a problem with.
Mrs. F is out for a short while which gives me a nice quiet time to calm down prior to her return although in reality going out for a couple of coffees and a chat have done.
Funny as we were driving back, a head hunter called him so I left the car and him too it at my house - hopefully it will be a good job opportunity for him, after all, he deserves something good to happen to him.
I've been a bit of a grumpy today, not happy with something or other, not happy with Mrs. F and I backed out of a couple of one-liners I was about to deliver as they weren't appropriate nor were they "big or clever" :-) If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all I suppose.
Had some of my deliveries turn up today but unfortunately so badly packed that one of the chocolate items was smashed to pieces. It was a particularly badly packed parcel I'd say. The customer service experience isn't great and I think it would help these guys immensely if they saw the Amazon model which I've never had a problem with.
Mrs. F is out for a short while which gives me a nice quiet time to calm down prior to her return although in reality going out for a couple of coffees and a chat have done.
Frosty Morning
Indoors that is :-) It hasn't been a great morning here but Mrs. F. has now shot off to do shopping and see her mum and stuff so that's OK. I am sat here at the PC wondering whether I should follow my star sign this morning (I have a desktop thing that has a daily Horoscope on it - what possessed me to look at it today I don't know).
"Relationships can be a source of pain now, yet opening your heart in the presence of potential hurt could earn the rewards of intimacy. This is not an easy process, for your tendency is to protect your sensitive feelings from being wounded. Showing your vulnerability to someone you love is the first step on the journey to healing today."
How bizarre is that? :-)
Anyway, I've been doing a bit more work on reviewing my options and I suppose that I ought to have some of those chats I said I ought to have. Of course, it is typical, I got a call last night from someone who has some potential work for me. Idiot me I didn't turn it down but said I'd have a chat today with them. Where's all that assertive stuff I used to be made of gone? Down the toilet with my confidence and everything else I reckon :-)
"Relationships can be a source of pain now, yet opening your heart in the presence of potential hurt could earn the rewards of intimacy. This is not an easy process, for your tendency is to protect your sensitive feelings from being wounded. Showing your vulnerability to someone you love is the first step on the journey to healing today."
How bizarre is that? :-)
Anyway, I've been doing a bit more work on reviewing my options and I suppose that I ought to have some of those chats I said I ought to have. Of course, it is typical, I got a call last night from someone who has some potential work for me. Idiot me I didn't turn it down but said I'd have a chat today with them. Where's all that assertive stuff I used to be made of gone? Down the toilet with my confidence and everything else I reckon :-)
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