Interesting Day Coming Up

It will be interesting to see what they make of my varied test results but today is going to be interesting as I'm catching up with an old work colleague. He has moved down to Rye which is a lovely village in East Sussex - I'd like to live there myself.  I have early memories of family holidays and outings - to nearby Camber Sands where we really did have SANDwiches for lunch :-)

We are expecting some sort of snow event tomorrow and we are getting warned that it will be like 2012 or some other disaster movie but - it's just snow!  A few flakes and the country comes to a standstill!

I am gradually getting my record, cassette and CD collection sorted out and catalogued - I was surprised at how much I actually have.  So far I have over 25,000 tracks on the server!  That was a surprise but, then again, being a DJ many years ago, I suppose I shouldn't be.

The sun is out today but it mush be -4 or -5 out there :-)  So a crisp walk off to lunch...

My general outlook is quite good at the moment and the diet appears to have taken a good inch of perhaps more off of my stomach already so encouraging signs there.

Test Results

Well it's official - I'm a bit on the thick side on one of the tests and a little better than thick on the other one.  Fair enough, let's see if it daunts them to speak to me.

Had a crazy day all around today - I am trying to get my music off of Vinyl, Tape and CD and onto my Server.  This is OK but it is taking a lot of time to do.  I've also now realised that I should be indexing the tracks a bit better and have a piece of software to do that - great - however when you consider that I have close to 26,000 tracks already electronically recorded it is taking me some time to index, re index, merge duplicates etc.

Diet is taking hole nicely now and I'm beginning to get myself into the flow of drinking plenty of water and of eating the same things over and over again - until Saturday that is when I can take a bit of a rest.  I'm out tomorrow to the local pub and so I need to make sure that I'll be on my Red Wine regime and also just have to be careful what I eat.

Feeling quite well and that may be because I've got some things sorted, the diet has started working and other factors.

Not too bad

I only managed about 2 thirds of the numeracy test before it timed out - shame really but the language these people use makes comprehension difficult.  I hate some of the old tosh they come out with but there you go.  It was interesting that I finished the verbal reasoning test in short order - 3 and a half minutes early - I could have gone back and flaffed around I suppose but was happy with most of my answers  - or as happy as I can be.  Mind you like all these things they'll get enough data from the bits I've done to take it to the next stage.

So let's now see if takes 3 months to get an interview....

Finally

We get around to doing these tests - what has it been?  It feels like three months to me - certainly since October I've been waiting on them - unbelievable really.  Anyway - I will make time this afternoon and go through the tests and see how I get on.

It's one of those things that I find surprisingly stressful as I don't tend to work like most people on these sorts of things - I can work quite fast and accurate but these tests, from what I see, aren't really aimed at Program Managers and Directors - they look more like Accountant style questions but hey ho, let's see what they actually appear like on the day.

Just need to get in the zone for them and get no interruptions and noise and as both girls are around and one of their boyfriends I need to make sure they keep out of sight.

Strange Behaviour

I guess I've grown up as an early adopter of technology and so email and spreadsheets and word-processing are familiar every day things I do so it always amuses me when I get emailed something (invoices in this case) and then get them posted to me as well.  I mean why would you do that?  They are so funny and so very quaint.

One of my old bosses printed out every email (or rather his Secretary did) and then he scrawled the responses and let his Secretary answer his emails.  Different - we weren't allowed to do that  but he was - used to make me laugh anyway.

So - what has today been like?  I still feel a little bit hungry which means I just need to adjust my diet to take on board some more food (yes some more).  You shouldn't get hungry at all but you shouldn't over eat either.  It was quite an interesting day today and I managed to do pretty well with the food I had available - tomorrow will be interesting and I'm looking forward to being creative with the same old ingredients.

Monday Diet Progresses

Still a slight headache which I think is normal for changing your diet and shifting the emphasis towards a slow carb regime.  So breakfast this morning was 3 boiled eggs, mushrooms  spinach and Adzuki beans.  Very nice apart from busting an egg over my hands... 

Funnily enough I'm feeling good and got on with a load of treasurer's work this morning counting the money and sorting out cheque in, payments out etc.  We have a dusting of snow this morning and are expecting a lot more later in the day and the week if the Met Office are to be believed - how these people can predict anything with any degree of accuracy amazes me - we were going to have a drought this time last year and it was almost the wettest year on record.  Let's hope our feeble transport system can also cope with the 3 or 4mm of Snow we have at the moment!

Finally got the link through to do my tests - will have a go at those tomorrow I think and see where we go from there.

Also - drinking loads of ice cold water - by product is many trips to the toilet but keeping the bladder irrigated is a good thing of course.

Not So Bad

I cracked on with the diet this morning and so far so good.  I feel a little hungry but then realised that the family meal had no carbs at all so probably where that was missing.

I just need to keep my discipline now and get this weight loss started - I did really well last time and I just need to continue without distraction and follow my plan.

Interestingly enough I've had a bit of a headache today - I don't normally get them - it can be part of the change in diet which is quite sudden.  

Oh well, let's see how we do.

Diet Starts in 5 minutes

Yes indeed I've been out all day on Saturday to two meetings and had two enormous meals and plenty to drink.  I'm definitely ready to start a weight loss programme now and get back to where I was around about April last year.  

Of course it is a matter of just setting out a new way of living and I need to get straight onto the diet in the morning and to make sure that I follow it strictly.  I suppose if it hadn't of been for breaking the habit in April. May and June/July of last year with Dad being ill and all I'd be at least 3 or 4 stone lighter than I am now.  I have a goal to be lighter but I haven't set an ideal weight - I think perhaps I need to think about that in the next week or two.

AT LAST I have the opportunity to complete the tests for the potential job interview.  Diplomatically I could call it a series of unfortunate incidents but really it is incompetence at its worst level.

It was nice to get a lift home in my friends Bentley Continental though :- )  What a lovely car!

Burn's Supper

Well it was very nice indeed and a nice price too considering we had plenty of whisky (malt whisky) to go with the meal of Cock-A-Leekie Soup, Haggis Neaps and Tatties and Plum Duff followed by Chesses and Biscuits.  They even included wine too.

Well - it was just one of those really enjoyable nights and the Lodge members went way knowing that they had put on a great show for us and we had all enjoyed ourselves.

Was nice that Flocky gave me a lift home too as we managed to have a bit of a chat.

Off to bed now and hope to get a good night's sleep - heard bad news today about Wilko Johnson diagnosed with Terminal Pancreatic Cancer.  He is an amazing guitarist and one of the first bands we followed when we were 15 or 16 years old at the local school.  The trouble with Pancreatic Cancer is that it really does have a very poor rate.

It was nice to see some very old friends tonight and we had some chats about "the old times".  It is such a shame that these guys don't get out and about anymore - I enjoyed their company and so it was a pleasure to meet them again tonight.  I suppose I ought to go to them if they can't come to me?

A Lot Better Today

How could it possibly be any worse?  I at least had something constructive to do and went to see a car for my cousin who lives some 200 miles away.  It was a nice trip out and an easily found place and nice little car too.

Back home and going to get ready to go out shortly.  I will probably take a relaxing walk down to the hall and there is a meeting and Burns Supper to be had which I will hopefully enjoy with some of my mates.

I need to motivate myself to get doing things and in some way next week will be good as I will be able to concentrate on getting back on my diet, getting fit and that should also improve my general well being - carrying all this excess weight isn't good for me either.  I'm going to go back to the Tim Ferriss 4 hour body diet which is a modified type of Atkins diet and I hope that it will be equally as good as last year when I did it up until the time of running up and down and seeing my dad.  I just fell out of the habit but this time I think I should be able to stick to it and I also have a strategy to stick to the diet whilst out and about.  It's all about sticking to the plan and last time I did it the pounds just dropped away like magic.  I suppose the only concern has to be if I do end up working in an office environment again quite how I'll work it but I'm sure there are ways around it.

The key thing is to make sure that I have goals to achieve and that I keep myself focussed on them.  

An All around Horrible Day

I have been in a horrible place all day - not I hasten to say the despair and Black Dog of previous years.  No, this is more concerning really it is something to do with what lies ahead and I was in mini panic attack mode on a couple of occasions over things that hadn't happened (and aren't likely to either).  I was able to work my way through things today and that got me through but did warn Mrs. F. of the terrible place I had been and the shortness of breath and suffocating feelings really weren't needed.

It's probably a good thing as a reminder why I'm going on a diet, beginning to sort out getting a job (or not) and all those good things.  I'm surprised that since I got cancer that I'm like this as I didn't expect to be having depression and similar episodes but in my own way I think this is all telling me that I need to stop the procrastination and sort things out one way or the other.  I need to have some uncomfortable conversations.  I've been trying like crazy to make changes but it hasn't really made much difference to me or those around me.  Perhaps it's best just to tackle the problems head on.  Much as I prefer this, most people don't and I realise that I'm clinical, direct and non emotional about things that probably need tact, diplomacy and and a certain amount of political dancing.  Trouble is, the message can be lost that way.  

Tomorrow I'm off on an errand which will be a good distraction to check out a car for my cousin and later in the day I am off to a Burns Supper which will also be nice.  Hopefully I'll be in a better frame of mind at the end of it.

Nasty Start

I feel absolutely horrible this morning.  Just dreadful, I've gone from being really positive this week to suddenly having a mini panic attack in the bedroom and needing to get up and moving.  I had sudden forward flashes of not wanting to attend a couple of meetings due this Saturday to just wanting to be out of the house and breathing properly.

I'm calmed down now - it didn't take long to reason with myself but I'm really emotional and upset now although I feel in control.  I'm guessing I've kicked out an adrenalin surge in a fight or flight sort of way and that's coursing around my body with no where to go.

In many ways the diet can't start soon enough for me - I'm starting this Sunday and neither can the benefits that will bring with a healthier lifestyle, less weight, some exercise and I hope some sort of distancing myself away from these claustrophobia attacks.  These little panic attacks are quite disturbing even though I know them to be based on nothing and have no grounding in fact, they are just something my sub concious is torturing me with.

The Thick Plottens

For such is the strange world that is employment.  Someone wants me to work for them, their HR department are spending an age getting me sorted out for a basic test that is a bit of a laugh as if I didn't have these basic skills (this is normally for graduates) I'd never have the CV and experience I do. I've left them to go internal warfare whilst they sort this out amongst themselves.

I find it amusing that even some of the best names in the industry are as bad as each other.  Corporates are just awful sometimes internally.  I've hated this sort of stuff all my life but hey, they might just give me a job and I might just enjoy it and who knows, it might sort my sorry arse out and stop me floundering around.

I' just wish they'd hurry up and sort themselves out so I can take the damn exams and then get on with the interviews.  

Facing Your Demons

I still think about my cancer every day and it's not what you might think - it's not a self pity thing or anything like that.  It's more how lucky I am and also most of the time it is something reminding me about it but I don't look back to the really bad times or at least not a lot.  Occasionally I get a reminder of those times and whilst I've considered how other people reacted I've never really explored it.

If I can make an observation about people in general (so it is a generalisation).  I find that they tend to assume a lot and don't understand why you aren't grieving (in the case of my dad), in some sort of ecstasy for beating my cancer nor can they understand why my hair didn't drop out with the treatment - so many things are stereotyped and expected and if you "act" outside of the norm they don't get it.  I'm sure that some want you to perhaps deliver some sort of uplifting message for the assembled to take away about how you beat the Big C.  

Today I read a blog from someone who is coming to terms with their imminent demise and how they are combating the pain and how the family members are now beginning to come apart at the seams.  You can't be a hard bastard all the time and despite what you may think, many people have a stake in you, your health and well-being.  I can see his problem and he's talking about funeral details, number of cars, music and all that.  In a way I'd have liked my dad to have left a few notes for guidance but there you go.  I've written some notes myself which are sufficiently woolly so as to allow those left behind to do what they'd like - it's not as if I'm going to be bothered.

I've blanked a lot of the nasty stuff away and hidden it somewhere stored away and try not to remember the operations nor the BCG treatments.  They are the things that saved my life of course and so you can't dismiss them as such but the truth is that they weren't pleasant and added to the stress of the diagnosis they are some of the low points.  I can't say that I was in much pain - some but not a huge amount although the treatments, as I've often said, aren't for sissies.   It also depended on how your body reacted on a particular day as to how you'd feel.  

When I get these flashbacks (for that is how they appear) they are very disturbing indeed.  I don't know if they are exaggerated or whether they are realistic?  I don't recollect if I was just manning up for the treatments and operations or whether they were that nasty and I blocked it out.   What I do know is that they often catch me unaware as did that blog this morning.  Just reading the issue he was having to deal with and suddenly it all came back to me like a wave.  It was quite upsetting and made me feel really sad and a little ill at the same time.  

Funny Thing

Ended up having a beer and chatting and the lads told me about a chap I sort of know and they were discussing his cancer and operation and how he now has to have enzyme tablets etc.  Then they suddenly recollected that I had been ill and the dynamics changed and it was a strange thing to hear how many see Cancer as a death sentence.  It is 50/50 I believe with this other chap but he's had radical surgery and ongoing treatment and only time will tell with that but of course I was the living proof that you can survive it.

Of course I still think that it's coming back to get me at any time :-)  Such is the impression it can make on you.

Voldemort

Interesting that people wouldn't say his name in the Harry Potter books/films.  It's similar in the Cancer world or is that the "C" world.  No one likes to use the word at all and I suppose we can all understand that - it has bad memories for very many people and we all know someone who has had it or died from it and so it strikes fear into people.

I get asked "how is you little problem?" which isn't quite the sort of thing you'd ask a gentleman now is it? :-)  "Are you alright now after your experience?" but no one mentions Cancer directly.  

So that's just one of those observations that is ongoing as I remember early on finding that no one really wanted to say the word - I wonder if they didn't want to upset me?  Perhaps. 

And once again the link doesn't work

It drives you mad doesn't it but I guessed that the link to the test wouldn't work as it has been over 10 days and it just had to be.  So I swatted up this morning and was ready to take the test and it didn't let me.  Oh well - perhaps another day when they issue the next link.

At least I have some idea what will be in front of me.  These tests are actually quite difficult to do with distractions and so I need to lock myself in and concentrate on them as there are a number of areas you can easily trip up on.

Feeling OK still which is good, my spirits are up and once I get myself motivated I can really get moving along - the maths tests are fine but I take a while to get cracking at those.  I think I need to get myself some squared paper for that but verbal reasoning I seemed to do OK in although the way the questions are constructed isn't the way I talk or think but there you go, a means to an end.

I will proceed with this application and see where it leads me.  I don't have high expectations for it as I had already dismissed it last year.  I also turned down another opportunity today but I really didn't fancy a 60 mile trek around the M25 (each way) each day and also knowing that the money would be half of that with this present job.

If I get this job so be it but I'm thinking that it may not happen and so I can fall back on plan B.  The former makes things easier in some ways and puts me on a footing to control my destiny a bit.  The trouble is, I'm not certain that I really, deep in my heart, want to go back to doing what I used to.  I may have been "born for the role" but it doesn't mean that it will be the right thing to do.  It may be the right thing for the wrong reason for example.  Oh well let's see how it pans out.

The Gap Between

It struck me tonight that there is quite a gap between what I want or like to do and what actually happens.  For example, I really fancy going out a couple of nights a week to have a meal or go to some live music or just for a beer and I'm the only person in the house that does nights during the working week.  Most are in their PJs at 9:00 and off to bed not much later.  Me - I can do 11 or later most nights always been able to and can just about do that still.  Used to do it after 10 or 11 hour days too.  No need to look at why my lifestyle may have contributed to early onset of cancer I suppose.

However, here I am looking at the extra time I've been given and thinking I ought to do something with it and yet it's just me that wants to or has the inclination.  I don't abuse this and in fact more often than not I stay in even though it gets like a ghost town shortly after 9 at night.  I like the fact that I'm told how tiring this all is for them when I regularly used to be up at 4:30 and home at 11 or later day after day :-) 

I think this will make for an interesting conversation for us to have.  It occurs to me that this is also one of those incompatibles that needs to be dealt with.

I'm feeling a lot better in myself at the moment and hope that continues a little longer than usual and I can stay up for a while.

Starting the process

It's amazing that some 2 or 3 months ago someone asked me if I was looking for a job and we started this process off.  Now, finally, I get the link to read what they want me to do after it taking an absolute age.  So now I've read it I can perhaps go for these tests tomorrow as they are only 20 minutes each and I might just run a few exercises first.  That is if the link is still working.

It's taken about 6 weeks to get the link sorted so I kind of wonder what value HR bring to the party - from what I've seen - they delay things so long that half the candidates probably don't want to continue the process but there you go.

Anyway, let's see what happens.

2013 - Let's See What You Bring

Don't feel too bad this morning and we didn't overdo the drinks last night as Mrs. F. had to run A to Heathrow so she can go to New York for a holiday.   The 2nd time she has been to NY and this time she is with her boyfriend rather than her aunt who previously held her up from doing what she really wanted to do.  She's there for 10 days I think and so she will be able to fit in a lot more than she previously did.

I'm tackling my diary at the moment and then I'm going to work out what I want to do in the next few days.  I have a number of important things to sort out not least of which is to get some accounts into regular order.  It is a nuisance that we haven't been given a decent set of model accounts to use and so I have had to build up my own set and use those.   I need to adjust them now to make them more user friendly - they work for me but are hideously complicated where I'm sure a few tweaks could make them easy to use.

I've this set of mini exams to take which I might tackle tomorrow and I have to work on clearing the decks to start my diet etc.  That's all very well but the food that we have left over from Christmas and the New Year will need to be frozen or eaten first.

The sun is shining at last and things always look pretty good when it does.  Having had rain for what feels like 11 of the last 12 months it really is a nice start to the year.  Resolutions for this year are few really - I need to sort myself out and try and work out what the hell I want to do with myself and perhaps who I want to do that with.

All the best for 2013 - Happy New Year!