A Few Beers

Last night were just what was needed to cheer me up. We also had some seafood which was great - nothing quite like Cockles, Mussels and Prawns to go with your beer.

I really needed that and it was good to get so much off of my chest about the job and the hassle.

So good did I feel that I wrote my resignation and posted it off about half an hour ago.

I can't say that I feel immediately better now that I have done it because I know that there are some people who have to stay behind and take all the flak that is coming down the track at them.

I will probably feel good about it tomorrow.

And it continues

This is unusual to feel quite so rough on the Thursday following the treatment. This isn't the typical side effects though. This is fatigue caused through a completely disturbed sleep pattern, ache around my stomach area and still the need to be quite near to the facilities.

If any of the main side effects persist then other action needs to be taken like get back into hospital. These are just aches and pains.

No Wonder Some People

Give up on their treatment. I can still feel this one. Cumulative effect is spot on. Did this ever give me something to moan about. I was really slow getting out of bed this morning and feel really knocked about. I like saying like getting hit by a truck but it is as if you get knocked over and you feel bruised and battered.

Thank goodness that I don't have to go back until late January 2008. At least I get Christmas off. Who would have thought that you would have a bigger set of side effects when you didn't have cancer than when you did.

I'm still not complaining - if it keeps me healthy I can cope with the occasional whack from a truck.

That wasn't so good

Blimey - that was a bad one. I was OK until about 7 last evening and then it was like having a 2nd treatment all over again. I was dashing to the toilet a lot and had all sorts of wreckage dropping out of me :-( I managed to get to sleep again about 10 which was good.

I woke at 3 am and found that I couldn't sleep, I managed to hang around for a short while but kept having to get up and go to the toilet and then decided that the best thing was to go downstairs. I had an early breakfast - about 5 am and some more tablets and have sat in my armchair all day until now. Thanks goodness for Paracetamol and Ibuprofen!

At least that is the last one this year. It really has left me very sore around the stomach. I hope to get a good night's sleep and to be a lot brighter tomorrow.

Last one this year

Just going to get myself fed and watered and then start the preparation. Thank goodness it is the last treatment of 2007. I remember having the six treatments and then thinking after three - only another three to go. At least this way, the whole deal is done in 14 days - well 15 if we include recovery tomorrow.

Work proves to be challenging at the moment. The boss seems to think that digging into the minutiae will save him from the big problems coming down the way.

Oh well - perhaps I just walk away from this if it isn't fixed by Friday. Seems hardly worth the effort really and the guy is not worth trying to help.

Well here I am

2 in the morning and wide awake wondering quite what on earth my mind can really be doing at this early (or late) hour. Of course it is work again. My mind is going like crazy on this business trouble we are having. Not the trouble - if it all comes to nothing - so be it. It is more that if it comes about that we get things going again it will be a manic 3 or 4 months.

My mind is going through all the plans and operational stuff a business needs to have in place. Something that I wish the previous people had put their minds to!

One of those days

I managed to trudge through getting my expense up to date. That took all afternoon! It is amazing how much it all came to. Tomorrow I intend to try and clear my desk a little more. Here's hoping.

Does it really matter - revisited

You know, somethings really do matter to me - more now than before I got cancer and people and their trust and their respect matter to me. I hold ideals and morals about how I deal with most people (until the point at where I have tried my best).

I'd like to really go out of my way and teach someone a salutary life message - but it will hurt so many other people around that one individual. Bit of a dilemma - bring down the house of cards myself or let it fall. Try and help or walk away?

It matters to me that one person may be able to wreck so many lives and yet not be reviewing their own actions and the damage they cause along the way Stop that person doing damage and those around take the fall too.

Life really isn't fair - we just try and be as fair as we can I suppose. If he makes me feel this bad
then perhaps I need to walk away. I didn't cause the problem, maybe I shouldn't be the one to prolong it either.

Does it really matter

And is it important and do I care?

You get to reevaluate things and you get a new attitude - I don't know if it is insight so much as just having a reference point that is now a lot different to other people's. For example, does it really matter about some trivial problem - or to get worked up about it or to need all the stress and hassle when, there are worse things in life?

I now have - perhaps - too much of that attitude - if all else fails I can walk away and get on with the life I have left. Problems are not problems - what is the worst that could happen?

Don't get me wrong I still get involved in all of this stuff on a day to day basis but I have the backup of being able to say "enough is enough" I can walk away and it won't hurt me or the family. That is a real luxury to have. I still like the idea of having a powerful job and making a difference but if I had to give that up, then perhaps I would now. Life isn't a rehearsal.

Yes I did remove a few day's worth of blog entries

Apologies - I was venting some frustration about the people I am working with and realised that it was inappropriate to question their sanity in quite the way I did.

However - as you can gather it is 1 in the morning and I have had very little sleep this week - you can imagine that I am not impressed that their actions are causing me to lose sleep.

Other than that - I am still a little bit stingy still after this week's treatment. Only one more to go this year! This time last year of course I was having my first lot of BCG treatment and was in a lot worse state than I am in now. I look back on the year and consider myself to be very lucky indeed.

Not a good night's sleep

Caused by concerns over the business and also the treatment. I tend to be very warm on the Wednesday following treatment and feel as if I have been hit in the Stomach or just below. Whilst I am glad that I didn't have the typical week 2 effects - I do think that this one is a little worse than normal. However, better to be whinging because I don't have cancer than whinging because I do (I think that made sense).

Anyway back to work!

Difficult not doing anything

I found today quite difficult - not doing anything - I tried not to answer the phone either.

The trouble I now have is that I actually don't feel up to tomorrow's round of problems. The business stuff really is a mess and I can jump in and sort it out or perhaps - what I ought to do - is to leave them to it.

I think I may just give them another few weeks and if they come to their senses then I can sort things out for them - if not, perhaps I need to let them taste the foul medicine.

Life is too short to work with people who aren't taking your advice and digging themselves a large hole. I don't like seeing people fail but perhaps that is what is needed?

Perhaps I should take time now to make all those lifestyle changes I promised myself?

Not the worst by any means

That Catheter hurt this time which induced a stinging and a sharp pain every now and again meaning that you wince, double up and have quite a sharp intake of breath. Perhaps the Nurse, on her own, was rushing about? It meant I looked a little comic walking out of the Hospital and was pretty much unable to do anything except lie down yesterday.

The side effects were moderately bad this time, not the worst I have had on a second one as before - thank goodness - but significant enough to make me feel very tender around the middle this morning and I am still getting the pain described above to remind me as well.

I followed the usual routine and so Ibuprofen and Paracetamol have done their jobs. I have left the phones on answerphone and intend to take things very easy today. I overdid it last week and so this week I intend (as far as it is possible for me) to do nothing for the rest of the day.

Rituals

Have had the Shower. Laid out the pills by the side of my bed. MP3 player there as is my notebook to make sure that I capture what happened to me at each treatment and in case anyone need to know for emergencies.

This treatment can result in some very serious side effects and it is worth keeping a note. I don't publish that set of notes in here as it is boring and a little gory and detailed. You know, how big and the composition of the bits falling out of me :-( Yuk!

I am just waiting a few minutes before setting up the old towels, bleach tablets and bottles, disposable gloves and detergent wipes in the bathroom. I have an old towel under me in bed but I haven't needed that since the first lot of treatment - then it was needed because of how much work the BCG was doing.

Morning flown by

Which is great and why oh why do people insist on calling me as I am trying to get my last food and drink down my neck prior to having to have no fluids for 2 hours? I don't like to be rude but I did have to hurry them along a bit.

So this is the one that in the past sort out the men from the boys eh? I'll probably end up being a Mouse on this one :-) as someone once said it isn't for sissies!

I was about to go on about it but, it hasn't happened yet so perhaps it is best to just see what happens. I hope the catheter goes in better than it did last week though :-(

Oh well, just 1 1/2 hours to go - time to go and get all of my stuff ready.

One for the mathematicians

After tomorrow's treatment can I actually be half way through?

With a course of 3 treatments I doubt I can say that I am half way through if I have had two but it is halfway in time of course. It was funny that someone said that it was halfway and in fact it is 2/3rds of the way!

I am getting ready for it to be bad - like both previous times I think the body over reacts to this one. The first one it probably gets quite a surprise and this time it is ready to fight it off.

Let's see what tomorrow brings.

Saturday

I didn't want to be working but find myself doing so again. Why do people use their own initiative and then find that their initiative is wrong.

Dumb!

As for me - feeling OK - Getting ready for Monday andtreatment No.2. And if you know anything about my previious treatments - this is the real shaker of a treatment - I reckon the body just goes into meltdown on this one :-) MMmmm Looking forward to that as a Turkey looks forward to Christmas

Cramp

Middle of the night - blimey it was a bad one and I could hardly move I was then awake for three or more hours as my brain went back to the earlier meeting.

I think that these Statins can give you cramps - I don't want another like that - it still hurts.

Still have the job

Not a surprise really. It was emotionally charged - but at least common sense erupted in the end!

I shudder to think what they will come up with next.

Today should mark a turning point

Finally we get a room full of investors together and I can address some of the problems that they face.

It seems crazy to me that we are going into a meeting where two sides know what they want to get out of the meeting and yet one party is going to be very disappointed, perhaps upset about it all.

Me? I will either have a job by the end of the day or I wont. If I don't have a job then I doubt that there will be too much to worry about as it isn't the end of the world. It would be disappointing but not the end of the world.