That my daughter and her boyfriend showed up late tonight. I was getting worried as we have a severe weather warning and getting out of Festival Car Parks can be notoriously bad when it is just slightly wet. Clever girl, made a call early on in the evening seeing the weather was closing in to get away a little earlier than the finish and so they arrived looking for clean toilets and showers when they arrived - bless them.
I have not idea what my mother would have made of such things if I'd ever have gone. Working in London I just used to go to concerts straight from work so no problems there.
The lot of the parent!
Today has been a strange day as I've actually worked today - right through and now wished I'd taken a break but need to remind myself that I've three days coming up when I will have a break when I see my parents.
I kind of find it funny that I get the occasional snipe about not seeing them that often but in reality they moved away from here not vice versa and it is pretty difficult to get consensus to get the family up there. With Mrs. F working during term time it also means that she can only have school holidays off which severely limits us. I try and get there when I can and if my work takes me nearby. It hasn't recently of course but there you go.
I did loads to day and got my visa to visit the US sorted out. Not that I have any plans but the fee goes up in a few weeks time so I might as well apply now rather than cough up for the privilege when I do get to go. I'm hoping that in the next 2 years, if things do go well to finally get over to the States. I nearly got to Chicago three years ago - nearly. About the only place my old employers (who were US based) never sent me was the US. Fingers crossed that we get the business rolling along and we can get over and see some ex-colleagues.
Let's hope that our plans come to fruition and that we get the opportunity to do something with them. I was a bit depressed when I heard that for every 1000 ventures only 1 makes it to market. I'm sure that can't be right. Hopefully I'm not barking mad or have some sort of lunatic plan that will never make it especially as we have had it reviewed by some seriously powerful people both sides of the pond. Oh well - the journey is the thing and we are really picking up some momentum now.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
A bit better
I've lost the 2 pounds I've put on and I'm back to 16 stone (224 pounds) it looks less as the needle is just below but I can't claim that right now though.
It's nice to get back on track and as long as I lose a little each week I'll be happy. This week might be difficult as I'm off to my mum and dads. Mum's, of course, have an in built filter that makes their children look emaciated and they then need to fill you full of starch and other stuff to swell you out to make you look better :-)
I've just come off the phone to her and gone through dietary requirements including what I do and don't eat. It will be good to go and see them, I haven't seen them since Christmas and as a family it has been almost a year - it was October 2009. Time flies. I might even get to see my kid brother whilst I'm there who knows?
It's nice to get back on track and as long as I lose a little each week I'll be happy. This week might be difficult as I'm off to my mum and dads. Mum's, of course, have an in built filter that makes their children look emaciated and they then need to fill you full of starch and other stuff to swell you out to make you look better :-)
I've just come off the phone to her and gone through dietary requirements including what I do and don't eat. It will be good to go and see them, I haven't seen them since Christmas and as a family it has been almost a year - it was October 2009. Time flies. I might even get to see my kid brother whilst I'm there who knows?
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Ooerrr that wasn't expected
Damn it. Every now and again this happens, flashback, me all upset in Hospital, not recently, when I was a kid and woke to find my arm in a harness where lots of tubes were fed into it. It is one of 'those' horrible moments as I remember being terribly upset about it. As I've said before, many times, if I actually know that is likely to happen I can work through it. As it wasn't it spooked me especially in the drugs they used to use in those days.
It must have been brought about through the letter from the Hospital which arrived today. That was good but in its usual dour tones from the NHS, "The Biopsies were clear with no signs of Carcinoma in Situ or Malignancy" - it goes on to say that I've had the BCG Immunotherapy and BCG Maintenance and that now I would be observed at the Flexible Cystoscopy clinic which is a relief.
So, that's all OK then but that was a horrible flashback - these things are just randomly shoved into your conciousness by your brain (for what purpose I have no idea). Given the shift in my emotional equilibrium even knowing that it is in the past and can't hurt me, it just wrenches away and makes me feel sad.
There is probably something in here about not wanting to go back and that hopefully, this will be the last of it and I can move on. In a way I can but Bladder Cancer likes to come back and revisit even though an unwanted guest and it is the thought of having to go back through the last 4 years again that is perhaps nagging away in the back of my mind. I should try and move on, its the right thing to do but such is the nature of the beast that it resides in the back of your mind to remind you, when you least expect it, what fear is all about. For fear is also at the back of this, I suppose it is an everyday thing that you just fight and try and keep away.
It must have been brought about through the letter from the Hospital which arrived today. That was good but in its usual dour tones from the NHS, "The Biopsies were clear with no signs of Carcinoma in Situ or Malignancy" - it goes on to say that I've had the BCG Immunotherapy and BCG Maintenance and that now I would be observed at the Flexible Cystoscopy clinic which is a relief.
So, that's all OK then but that was a horrible flashback - these things are just randomly shoved into your conciousness by your brain (for what purpose I have no idea). Given the shift in my emotional equilibrium even knowing that it is in the past and can't hurt me, it just wrenches away and makes me feel sad.
There is probably something in here about not wanting to go back and that hopefully, this will be the last of it and I can move on. In a way I can but Bladder Cancer likes to come back and revisit even though an unwanted guest and it is the thought of having to go back through the last 4 years again that is perhaps nagging away in the back of my mind. I should try and move on, its the right thing to do but such is the nature of the beast that it resides in the back of your mind to remind you, when you least expect it, what fear is all about. For fear is also at the back of this, I suppose it is an everyday thing that you just fight and try and keep away.
Weekend of Work
Got a lot to do and I'm away for three days next week so I need to do some work here over the weekend.
As usual, I'm working like crazy but no one else back at the charity is as they have other work to do at the same time. I'm a bit lucky as I just get stuck in. Yesterday was close to a 16 hour day - and there was pretty good progress so that's OK. No phone calls and I could complete huge pieces of work.
I didn't even get to exercise yesterday as I just carried on through and judging by my last email at 1 in the morning - I ought to spend a little more time resting this weekend and keep work to a reasonable amount of time. Mind you exciting times and real progress on our new venture too so it is all happening.
As usual, I'm working like crazy but no one else back at the charity is as they have other work to do at the same time. I'm a bit lucky as I just get stuck in. Yesterday was close to a 16 hour day - and there was pretty good progress so that's OK. No phone calls and I could complete huge pieces of work.
I didn't even get to exercise yesterday as I just carried on through and judging by my last email at 1 in the morning - I ought to spend a little more time resting this weekend and keep work to a reasonable amount of time. Mind you exciting times and real progress on our new venture too so it is all happening.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Working from Home
Has advantages and disadvantages. It's nice to get up and have no travelling so saving myself a good 3 hours a day - 3 hours that I fill with work but also using 1 hour or so of that to do my exercises.
The problem of interruptions is partially but not completely solved and so in a way it isn't too bad but when I do get an interruption it tends to be a long one. I can play my music through speaker not through a head set and I once I get into the zone I can switch off external noise and just blitz my work.
Yesterday was a case in point - I stitched back my 125 page document, re did all the graphics for it, and did loads of work to get it back to where it was before the guy I am working for tore it apart. It took me most of the day to do that and in the interim I also managed to write a document for our potential designers to produce our logo etc and managed to edit and review another. By the time I had finished I had gone through 8 or 9 hours work steadily and it felt like it had been just a few hours at the most.
Yesterday L got her first year A level results - she wasn't happy with them although, with one exception, they weren't bad - she can stay on to complete them but it has made her re-think her strategy and where to go for University as there isn't much hope to get to some of her choices with these results. As you do, when you are 17, you party anyway and at close to 2 am they arrived home!!! We don't wait up but I didn't sleep properly until the door went. This morning A and her friends left at the crack of dawn to go to the V Festival she wasn't going originally but somehow got to go by some convoluted route! She goes to Reading next week. It's tough being a student.
So I'm a bit tired this morning and trying to get sorted out after late night and early morning not caused by me!
Off to my parents for a few days next week which will be nice - I haven't seen them for close to a year but they moved away a long way from here and it is a bit of a trek - I can get to Paris or Brussels quicker than getting to them!! It's not too bad getting near to them but the last part of he journey cross country takes ages. I'm looking forward to seeing them and we are taking the other car (which I don't drive) so that will be interesting for me having always driven there and back before.
The problem of interruptions is partially but not completely solved and so in a way it isn't too bad but when I do get an interruption it tends to be a long one. I can play my music through speaker not through a head set and I once I get into the zone I can switch off external noise and just blitz my work.
Yesterday was a case in point - I stitched back my 125 page document, re did all the graphics for it, and did loads of work to get it back to where it was before the guy I am working for tore it apart. It took me most of the day to do that and in the interim I also managed to write a document for our potential designers to produce our logo etc and managed to edit and review another. By the time I had finished I had gone through 8 or 9 hours work steadily and it felt like it had been just a few hours at the most.
Yesterday L got her first year A level results - she wasn't happy with them although, with one exception, they weren't bad - she can stay on to complete them but it has made her re-think her strategy and where to go for University as there isn't much hope to get to some of her choices with these results. As you do, when you are 17, you party anyway and at close to 2 am they arrived home!!! We don't wait up but I didn't sleep properly until the door went. This morning A and her friends left at the crack of dawn to go to the V Festival she wasn't going originally but somehow got to go by some convoluted route! She goes to Reading next week. It's tough being a student.
So I'm a bit tired this morning and trying to get sorted out after late night and early morning not caused by me!
Off to my parents for a few days next week which will be nice - I haven't seen them for close to a year but they moved away a long way from here and it is a bit of a trek - I can get to Paris or Brussels quicker than getting to them!! It's not too bad getting near to them but the last part of he journey cross country takes ages. I'm looking forward to seeing them and we are taking the other car (which I don't drive) so that will be interesting for me having always driven there and back before.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
London Calling
Ended up there today and had a good set of meetings, a nice lunch, raised our glasses to the new business and made my way home. For what was meant to be a cool day I ended up roasting nicely in the train on the way home as the sun was out and the sky was blue! Not sure how they got that wrong this time but there you go.
There's lots of construction work going on in town and the Shard is coming along nicely - I can see the number 37 peeping out from below the shuttering. The glass is coming up the building too. There is also stacks of work where they have pulled down the old London Bridge House and all around the Market area work is going on apace.
My business partner and I are both 4 year cancer survivors and so we were thinking that next July we ought to do something that celebrates in an unusual way our statistical survival for the 5 years :-) So we are putting on our thinking caps for that one.
Today we moved on another step after setting the company up and picking up the websites we set to work on our "elevator pitch" our 30 second and 2 minute drills and other key messages. We have such a difficult service to explain - it contains massive technology but not at the customer end, it all happens silently so it is difficult not to draw parallels or to describe. Anyway, we are on our way to doing that as we need to articulate our service and differentiate it. The fun of it all.
I find the whole thing really challenging - which is what I wanted. The work we are having to do to achieve funding is amazingly in-depth but consider the investor who needs to be certain we know what we are doing.
I've managed to still be sat at my desk at 1 in the morning and that is getting too regular. I need to set out working time and rest time as whilst it is all very exciting and full on - I can't do this work if I am not awake, alert and smart.
There's lots of construction work going on in town and the Shard is coming along nicely - I can see the number 37 peeping out from below the shuttering. The glass is coming up the building too. There is also stacks of work where they have pulled down the old London Bridge House and all around the Market area work is going on apace.
My business partner and I are both 4 year cancer survivors and so we were thinking that next July we ought to do something that celebrates in an unusual way our statistical survival for the 5 years :-) So we are putting on our thinking caps for that one.
Today we moved on another step after setting the company up and picking up the websites we set to work on our "elevator pitch" our 30 second and 2 minute drills and other key messages. We have such a difficult service to explain - it contains massive technology but not at the customer end, it all happens silently so it is difficult not to draw parallels or to describe. Anyway, we are on our way to doing that as we need to articulate our service and differentiate it. The fun of it all.
I find the whole thing really challenging - which is what I wanted. The work we are having to do to achieve funding is amazingly in-depth but consider the investor who needs to be certain we know what we are doing.
I've managed to still be sat at my desk at 1 in the morning and that is getting too regular. I need to set out working time and rest time as whilst it is all very exciting and full on - I can't do this work if I am not awake, alert and smart.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Rapid Progress
As I used to joke at work was running between meetings!
Today brilliant, we incorporated the company and we grabbed our domain names. I'll post it all up once there is something to see but today it all started to become real. The last 2 months has been really hard slog and finally we have a name, an investor and customer pitch, a new language, plans for the next 6 months and most importantly an identity, that's most important.
Today felt like we were finally tuning the corner or getting over the top of the hill. Of course there's lot more to do but three significant milestones have been met and we can move on a little freer than we have been.
I've blitzed the exercise today too and will go and wind down with a shower in a minute. My Blood pressure is getting back to closer to 120 over 80 now which is excellent too. A bit more hard work and a few more pounds weight loss and I hope to stabilise at that sort of level.
Today's been a real buzz and a rush all in one.
Today brilliant, we incorporated the company and we grabbed our domain names. I'll post it all up once there is something to see but today it all started to become real. The last 2 months has been really hard slog and finally we have a name, an investor and customer pitch, a new language, plans for the next 6 months and most importantly an identity, that's most important.
Today felt like we were finally tuning the corner or getting over the top of the hill. Of course there's lot more to do but three significant milestones have been met and we can move on a little freer than we have been.
I've blitzed the exercise today too and will go and wind down with a shower in a minute. My Blood pressure is getting back to closer to 120 over 80 now which is excellent too. A bit more hard work and a few more pounds weight loss and I hope to stabilise at that sort of level.
Today's been a real buzz and a rush all in one.
Monday, August 16, 2010
All here
A returned from Edinburgh dragging a photo enlarger, red light, photo chemicals and assorted dark room paraphernalia. Now she is only small and even with the assistance of her boyfriend you have to admire her tenacity bringing it all the way home by public transport. She has done well as on Freecycle (a way of offering unwanted goods for free) she found someone getting rid of a professional enlarger which Mrs. F. Picked up. The donor also gave her a professional SLR Camera as Mrs. F. was explaining she was a Photography University Student.
She now has two enlargers and somewhere in the house (or maybe my shed) we can set up a darkroom for her. I am most impressed though that she is getting things sorted herself and taking advantage of cheap alternatives to me having to fork out for all this kit. Amazingly, you can pick up a 35mm camera body at an absolute steal on eBay etc because no one uses them anymore. We have already picked up a number of compatible camera bodies that will allow her to try out all sorts of different set ups.
So now we are all back together again as a family it is most strange - the house is full and things are happening all over the place. I'll see how long I can last with that and the clutter and chaos that No.1 daughter brings with her. She's a bit of a whirlwind and leaves the house as if a small Tornado has whistled through the corridor!
I'm impressed with a new web site www.we7.com which is an internet juke box - amazing on demand songs and playlists etc. Very good.
My business partner is over in the morning and having rescued the dining room from becoming a photo shop, we will make big progress tomorrow as we go for the registration of our company and all the other stuff that will go with that. It will all become real soon, it is all a bit like the phoney war but I can see it taking on its own life once we give birth the the company tomorrow.
She now has two enlargers and somewhere in the house (or maybe my shed) we can set up a darkroom for her. I am most impressed though that she is getting things sorted herself and taking advantage of cheap alternatives to me having to fork out for all this kit. Amazingly, you can pick up a 35mm camera body at an absolute steal on eBay etc because no one uses them anymore. We have already picked up a number of compatible camera bodies that will allow her to try out all sorts of different set ups.
So now we are all back together again as a family it is most strange - the house is full and things are happening all over the place. I'll see how long I can last with that and the clutter and chaos that No.1 daughter brings with her. She's a bit of a whirlwind and leaves the house as if a small Tornado has whistled through the corridor!
I'm impressed with a new web site www.we7.com which is an internet juke box - amazing on demand songs and playlists etc. Very good.
My business partner is over in the morning and having rescued the dining room from becoming a photo shop, we will make big progress tomorrow as we go for the registration of our company and all the other stuff that will go with that. It will all become real soon, it is all a bit like the phoney war but I can see it taking on its own life once we give birth the the company tomorrow.
Exercise
What a pointless thing exercise can be. Stepping, running half cycling on my cross trainer for 30 minutes.
I know it does me good, I can feel it and results are good. It just seems most bizarre doing 30 minutes and going nowhere. Interestingly I am now back to where I was about 5 weeks ago - getting nearer to elusive 8kM in 30 minutes mark (about 5 miles). Today I did 7.8kM and I feel that in a few weeks I will have enough stamina restored to try and go for that.
I have changed my MP3 to give some more pop and rock type tunes so that I can run to the beat which helps maintain cadence.
This week I hope to get back to the straight and narrow a bit and eat bit more sensibly than the last two weeks. Here's hoping that is the case.
I know it does me good, I can feel it and results are good. It just seems most bizarre doing 30 minutes and going nowhere. Interestingly I am now back to where I was about 5 weeks ago - getting nearer to elusive 8kM in 30 minutes mark (about 5 miles). Today I did 7.8kM and I feel that in a few weeks I will have enough stamina restored to try and go for that.
I have changed my MP3 to give some more pop and rock type tunes so that I can run to the beat which helps maintain cadence.
This week I hope to get back to the straight and narrow a bit and eat bit more sensibly than the last two weeks. Here's hoping that is the case.
The trouble with doing a late night
Is getting going in the morning. It IS Monday so there is that added complication and I have now gotten up to some sort of speed with my work. The added complication is that I will have to work on this and on my consultant commitments for the charity at the same time. That will be fun :-0
The nice thing is that we have started to emerge from the really heavy bogging down work needed to start a business and get into some sort of momentum. I did loads of work at the weekend which has moved things on nicely. We have a company name and are checking out domain names and finally I've managed to get some real progress into breaking down the business in to some sensible departments to take it forward. There is just so much to do. For such a simple concept, the complexity of the back office is incredible. SO big is it you have to apply 'Elephant eating' techniques to it - How do you eat an Elephant? In lots of small bits.
Actually the fun is the journey in this - we are pushing the limits of our experience and knowledge and seeing how far we can take this. At the moment it is just hard graft but once we get up to speed with this it will accelerate and it will be a nothing ventured nothing gained sort of effort. The journey is far more important than the outcome at the moment although I feel that the outcome is now becoming important because we can see real substance in what we are doing.
It drew some amazed looks when I explained that I was setting this business up at the party yesterday. Not many people can just quit their jobs and go out on a limb like this. As my business partner and I are both cancer survivors I think we just have a different view on it. What's the worst thing that could happen? I'd need to find myself a paying job in the New Year if this doesn't come off. If it does come off then I'll have a paid job!
L is asking for a lift to her friend's house. Dad's Taxi service is needed. It will be nice to get the Jag out for a run :-)
The nice thing is that we have started to emerge from the really heavy bogging down work needed to start a business and get into some sort of momentum. I did loads of work at the weekend which has moved things on nicely. We have a company name and are checking out domain names and finally I've managed to get some real progress into breaking down the business in to some sensible departments to take it forward. There is just so much to do. For such a simple concept, the complexity of the back office is incredible. SO big is it you have to apply 'Elephant eating' techniques to it - How do you eat an Elephant? In lots of small bits.
Actually the fun is the journey in this - we are pushing the limits of our experience and knowledge and seeing how far we can take this. At the moment it is just hard graft but once we get up to speed with this it will accelerate and it will be a nothing ventured nothing gained sort of effort. The journey is far more important than the outcome at the moment although I feel that the outcome is now becoming important because we can see real substance in what we are doing.
It drew some amazed looks when I explained that I was setting this business up at the party yesterday. Not many people can just quit their jobs and go out on a limb like this. As my business partner and I are both cancer survivors I think we just have a different view on it. What's the worst thing that could happen? I'd need to find myself a paying job in the New Year if this doesn't come off. If it does come off then I'll have a paid job!
L is asking for a lift to her friend's house. Dad's Taxi service is needed. It will be nice to get the Jag out for a run :-)
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Early Night - Obviously Past Middle Age
I HATE it when we go to my friends for a party and at just gone 9 everyone wants to go home. Then Mrs. F. wants to go home. So at 9:30 we have to get going and so home before 10 and I'm wondering why and perhaps how it has come to this. I mean - we never used to start a party until 9 and so to come home before we used to start.
So I'm sat here n front of my TV and Mrs. F. has hit the sack. It is just gone 10 and so I've put on one of my FAV films - "Pulp Fiction" - there's something disturbingly interesting about Quentin Tarantino's films. I enjoy his cinematography and his dialogue. Samuel Jackson's character just cracks me up every time I see it.
So - me? I could carry on all night. What a great time my mate GP and I had when we were kids. When I moved here from London 43 or more years ago he was my very first friend and we have been friends ever since. When I first went to school he was the first person I ever met and his Dad died of cancer just as I was diagnosed. A deep thing.
His children, whom I've known all their lives were there tonight, they are just lovely people and it was great to see them but a shame my girls weren't there to meet them.
Having had a great evening I was a little annoyed that it all had to end at 9. I could have gone on for hours. I was also surprised that so many people commented on how I didn't sit down - I just don't these days. It was also quite amusing that I was going for seconds of salad stuff. Someone, I have no idea who it was was amused as I arrived at the table and said, "There's something I would never have heard myself say 10 years ago - Mmmm, more salad - lovely!"
Mind you it was nice - Rocket and Parmesan, home-made coleslaw, baby tomatoes and so on. Of the Barbecue I did do some road kill (as you do!).
So - as usual - I want to live and go for the moment. Everyone else? They just want to go home early.
Oh well. Beer and Tarantino - excellent - one of my favourites :-)
So I'm sat here n front of my TV and Mrs. F. has hit the sack. It is just gone 10 and so I've put on one of my FAV films - "Pulp Fiction" - there's something disturbingly interesting about Quentin Tarantino's films. I enjoy his cinematography and his dialogue. Samuel Jackson's character just cracks me up every time I see it.
So - me? I could carry on all night. What a great time my mate GP and I had when we were kids. When I moved here from London 43 or more years ago he was my very first friend and we have been friends ever since. When I first went to school he was the first person I ever met and his Dad died of cancer just as I was diagnosed. A deep thing.
His children, whom I've known all their lives were there tonight, they are just lovely people and it was great to see them but a shame my girls weren't there to meet them.
Having had a great evening I was a little annoyed that it all had to end at 9. I could have gone on for hours. I was also surprised that so many people commented on how I didn't sit down - I just don't these days. It was also quite amusing that I was going for seconds of salad stuff. Someone, I have no idea who it was was amused as I arrived at the table and said, "There's something I would never have heard myself say 10 years ago - Mmmm, more salad - lovely!"
Mind you it was nice - Rocket and Parmesan, home-made coleslaw, baby tomatoes and so on. Of the Barbecue I did do some road kill (as you do!).
So - as usual - I want to live and go for the moment. Everyone else? They just want to go home early.
Oh well. Beer and Tarantino - excellent - one of my favourites :-)
A Little Disappointing
I put on 2 pounds this week so am 226 Pounds or 16 stone 2 Lbs. Not surprising as I have been out three times this week and I'm sure the Curry on Thursday - as I went for the full mixed grill didn't help. However, I'm not too downhearted about it, I have a birthday barbecue to go to later and after that I hope next week I can get back to some serious training and back to normality with the diet. I've just reminded myself that I was at work in London on Monday as well at which there was a very tasty buffet. So for four days this week I have had bread in some form or other and I very rarely have any at all.
My diet is really just keeping away from bread entirely. I have pasta or potato to input carbs which you must have. I tend to eat a lot of fish - sardine, pilchard, crab sticks (which are fish in reality) and tuna and mackerel. Lots of salad and fruit, nuts, dried fruits, pro-biotic yoghurt and plenty of soups. I eat cottage cheese a lot and I use pickles just to spice up what can be quite bland tasting items. Other than that, I have the occasional dressed crab, piece of ham or corned beef with a salad and I have a roast dinner on Sunday. The other ingredient? Don't snack, if you need to, eat fruit or vegetables. Don't eat past 7 pm. That isn't easy either so again, I'd probably drink tomato juice or have some fruit and break my own rule. It is pretty difficult not to do this but works I think.
I managed to squeeze a 30 minute session out of the exercise regime on Friday but missed yesterday out - I lost all track of time. This week should be good - I think there are few distractions and I hope that I can get back on track with the diet, the exercise and with lowering my weight and blood pressure. Work is really picking up pace and I've also got some work from my consultancy to do as well.
My diet is really just keeping away from bread entirely. I have pasta or potato to input carbs which you must have. I tend to eat a lot of fish - sardine, pilchard, crab sticks (which are fish in reality) and tuna and mackerel. Lots of salad and fruit, nuts, dried fruits, pro-biotic yoghurt and plenty of soups. I eat cottage cheese a lot and I use pickles just to spice up what can be quite bland tasting items. Other than that, I have the occasional dressed crab, piece of ham or corned beef with a salad and I have a roast dinner on Sunday. The other ingredient? Don't snack, if you need to, eat fruit or vegetables. Don't eat past 7 pm. That isn't easy either so again, I'd probably drink tomato juice or have some fruit and break my own rule. It is pretty difficult not to do this but works I think.
I managed to squeeze a 30 minute session out of the exercise regime on Friday but missed yesterday out - I lost all track of time. This week should be good - I think there are few distractions and I hope that I can get back on track with the diet, the exercise and with lowering my weight and blood pressure. Work is really picking up pace and I've also got some work from my consultancy to do as well.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Worked out OK - kind of
I got away to the Jazz and that was nice - I met some people I haven't seen for a while. A friend was serving behind the bar. Mrs. F. Called and came along too (that's highly unusual). There was a terrific band and he Clarinettist was brilliant. Why then, when it was a premium event, do people have to talk through the music and even through the man introducing the songs. It's just bad manners. These weren't my age either, these were my parent's ages. I suppose they just come out for the social with some "background music". Nevertheless - it's another one of those things that never fails to wind me up. At least they weren't singing loud and out of tune like a concert I went to a few years ago. Unfortunately it is also a very strong trait inherent in an INTJ who need the certainty of stable environments and personal space together with courtesy and manners.
However, people were up and dancing and enjoying the show which went on until 11:30. So when we got back to still find 20 or so fancy dressed heroes and villains in the house I expected that I'd be a little bit annoyed but all I did was start tidying up and turning on some lights (that sorts them out). By the time I'd got to cleaning the garden and picking up the plastic cups and discarded tins and bottles!!! Many had gone. So by 1 am I was hitting my bed. It's amazing what kids these days drink at parties. We don't provide any alcohol if they want any they bring their own. Vodka, Scotch, Alco-pops, Some sort of strong cider and wine. We used to have light beers and cider but spirits were almost unheard of - the sheer cost involved were nightmarish.
Anyway - apart from the floors (wooden thank goodness) looking like swimming pools where people came in and out from the garden I suppose it wasn't too bad.
However, people were up and dancing and enjoying the show which went on until 11:30. So when we got back to still find 20 or so fancy dressed heroes and villains in the house I expected that I'd be a little bit annoyed but all I did was start tidying up and turning on some lights (that sorts them out). By the time I'd got to cleaning the garden and picking up the plastic cups and discarded tins and bottles!!! Many had gone. So by 1 am I was hitting my bed. It's amazing what kids these days drink at parties. We don't provide any alcohol if they want any they bring their own. Vodka, Scotch, Alco-pops, Some sort of strong cider and wine. We used to have light beers and cider but spirits were almost unheard of - the sheer cost involved were nightmarish.
Anyway - apart from the floors (wooden thank goodness) looking like swimming pools where people came in and out from the garden I suppose it wasn't too bad.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Compromise best of both worlds!
Tents and Gazebos are up and the rooms are cleared - so that means in and out all night. I feel like going up to the Jazz evening at the Sports Club or at least going to the Pub.....
Mrs. F. Suggested we should have gone out for dinner tonight. Nothing stopping that until she realises she will probably want to "police" whatever is going on.
I have to admit to not enjoying such things. Out of my control and I'm a control freak, I can't "manage" the situation or stage it the way I want. Best I disappear off out and a night of Jazz will be OK I reckon. I haven't been on a Friday for years and years. Should be fun and I can get back as they turn out of the house which will also be good for me.
Mrs. F. Suggested we should have gone out for dinner tonight. Nothing stopping that until she realises she will probably want to "police" whatever is going on.
I have to admit to not enjoying such things. Out of my control and I'm a control freak, I can't "manage" the situation or stage it the way I want. Best I disappear off out and a night of Jazz will be OK I reckon. I haven't been on a Friday for years and years. Should be fun and I can get back as they turn out of the house which will also be good for me.
Damn weather
Means that L's birthday party is now to be held inside. Thunder storms on the way and heavy rain and rather than have them traipse in from the garden and make the house sodden they can stay inside and get sodden :-)
I hate these sorts of parties - I'm 6 foot and all the kids are taller than me - I was in Hospital this time last year so it didn't matter but the year before two of her "friends" nearly got the benefit of my wrath. They certainly weren't impressed with the verbal abuse I gave them and that shut everyone else up. I will be issuing a stern warning that if anyone really wants to give me any back chat or be "smart" with me, they will have to deal with the same acid mouthed response I'd give to anyone who was abusing my hospitality.
That said I don't have a problem with people enjoying themselves just those who can't hold their drink but more especially can't keep food on their plate. Accidents happen - 90% of people are caused by accidents! However, if you drop food or spill drink then clear it up don't tread it in and then pretend it's funny. You certainly ain't going to like it when I throw a wet tea-towel or cloth at your head and make you do it no matter how bloody big you are. So they will be warned that it is MY house, they are guests in my house and they will treat me with respect of they will be thrown out. These are kids but that's no excuse. A's friends were never like that its just this mindless minority and their selfish behaviour.
Well that's that off my chest. Damn weather - I'd have been able to isolate the little apprentice human beings out there if it wasn't for that!
Flame off. You must think I am some sort of spoil sport but it annoys me that I should clear up after these people and be treated like an alien when asking them to clear up the mess they made.
I hate these sorts of parties - I'm 6 foot and all the kids are taller than me - I was in Hospital this time last year so it didn't matter but the year before two of her "friends" nearly got the benefit of my wrath. They certainly weren't impressed with the verbal abuse I gave them and that shut everyone else up. I will be issuing a stern warning that if anyone really wants to give me any back chat or be "smart" with me, they will have to deal with the same acid mouthed response I'd give to anyone who was abusing my hospitality.
That said I don't have a problem with people enjoying themselves just those who can't hold their drink but more especially can't keep food on their plate. Accidents happen - 90% of people are caused by accidents! However, if you drop food or spill drink then clear it up don't tread it in and then pretend it's funny. You certainly ain't going to like it when I throw a wet tea-towel or cloth at your head and make you do it no matter how bloody big you are. So they will be warned that it is MY house, they are guests in my house and they will treat me with respect of they will be thrown out. These are kids but that's no excuse. A's friends were never like that its just this mindless minority and their selfish behaviour.
Well that's that off my chest. Damn weather - I'd have been able to isolate the little apprentice human beings out there if it wasn't for that!
Flame off. You must think I am some sort of spoil sport but it annoys me that I should clear up after these people and be treated like an alien when asking them to clear up the mess they made.
Bang and the diet's gone!
I was working pretty hard today and time flew by. L arrived late from Scotland so I had to do some driving chores to get her here, changed and back up to London for Billy Elliott. The man who was scheduled to pick up stuff from me didn't appear.
Mrs. F. got in and hadn't eaten anything, I was about to exercise having been delayed for an hour in case matey boy turned up. However - such was Mrs. F's hunger we repaired to our local Curry House and had a very nice meal. I managed to wash mine down with 2 pints of lager.
Hence - diet has broken down a bit today. L's birthday today - blimey 17 years ago - hardly seems possible but there you go, possible it was.
PC has been giving me grief all day hence it is 1 in the morning and I'm still doing stuff to try and get it to work properly. I recollect that Microsoft sent updates along earlier that I put on. Can you guess what has happened to my PC? Bound to be - they always manage to screw up something or other.
Mrs. F. got in and hadn't eaten anything, I was about to exercise having been delayed for an hour in case matey boy turned up. However - such was Mrs. F's hunger we repaired to our local Curry House and had a very nice meal. I managed to wash mine down with 2 pints of lager.
Hence - diet has broken down a bit today. L's birthday today - blimey 17 years ago - hardly seems possible but there you go, possible it was.
PC has been giving me grief all day hence it is 1 in the morning and I'm still doing stuff to try and get it to work properly. I recollect that Microsoft sent updates along earlier that I put on. Can you guess what has happened to my PC? Bound to be - they always manage to screw up something or other.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
More things to concentrate the mind
I've a little bit of a sweet tooth but have been really cutting back these past 2 months but I still use sweeteners in my coffee (not Aspartame - Saccharin based). However, the more I read about this the more uncomfortable I felt about using those too.
Today in Steve K's excellent blog is some more news about Sugars, Nectars, Honey and Fructose that really made me sit up and take notice. It appears that the sort of things that you take for granted when you are healthy really need to be further reviewed when you are under threat. Bladder Cancer just hangs over you like the Sword of Damocles as it can return out of the blue and that of course can pretty well mess up your day I can tell you :-)
So to find that potentially natural sugars will do what I knew some refined sugar does and what allegedly Aspartame does is pretty worrying.
I think I need to consider what to do about this for the future as part of my healthy eating regime. I managed to give up salt in about 6 weeks after the initial shock to my body. I now hardly touch it and can tell if something has been cooked in or seasoned with salt. Now that my Blood Pressure is reasonably under control I'm not so worried about having a little salt but just choose not to. Perhaps I will review what sugars I'm ingesting and see whether I can cut back or remove them. The trouble is so much is in prepared foods etc.
Today in Steve K's excellent blog is some more news about Sugars, Nectars, Honey and Fructose that really made me sit up and take notice. It appears that the sort of things that you take for granted when you are healthy really need to be further reviewed when you are under threat. Bladder Cancer just hangs over you like the Sword of Damocles as it can return out of the blue and that of course can pretty well mess up your day I can tell you :-)
So to find that potentially natural sugars will do what I knew some refined sugar does and what allegedly Aspartame does is pretty worrying.
I think I need to consider what to do about this for the future as part of my healthy eating regime. I managed to give up salt in about 6 weeks after the initial shock to my body. I now hardly touch it and can tell if something has been cooked in or seasoned with salt. Now that my Blood Pressure is reasonably under control I'm not so worried about having a little salt but just choose not to. Perhaps I will review what sugars I'm ingesting and see whether I can cut back or remove them. The trouble is so much is in prepared foods etc.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Exercise continues
Another 5kM in 20 minutes - it felt a little easier today - and a little shorter - I hope to gradually get better at the 20 minute and then get back to 30 again which I feel is the optimum.
Had a good day today - business partner around and positive moves forward again which is good. I just need to knuckle down now and get on with the in depth planning work - easier said than done - lots of silly distractions which I hope will go away in the next few days.
Had a good day today - business partner around and positive moves forward again which is good. I just need to knuckle down now and get on with the in depth planning work - easier said than done - lots of silly distractions which I hope will go away in the next few days.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Exercise the gradual return
I've got back onto the cross trainer and this time did my three peaks routine but only for 20 minutes not my normal 30. I did well though covering 5 kM in 20 minutes including 3 pretty stiff simulated climbs is fine.
I can feel how weak my middle is now - it never ceases to amaze me quite how they must pull you about in Hospital to leave you feeling like this.
I'm sweating up nicely which means I did actually do some work and I've even given my weights a few minutes too (I know I said I wouldn't but I have gone easy).
It is a shame that Steve K in the US has had to call off our weight loss competition but Steve has stayed about the same whilst I have to admit I'm dropping weight quite readily. I'm guessing that I'm just getting back to the weight I was prior to living it up too much last year on the Cruise and just over eating.
Just on diet - I am still keeping away from bread entirely and have one large meal a week on Sunday - some sort of roast meat and potatoes etc. During the week I eat crisp breads and rice cakes with a variety of fish or curd/cottage cheese a little low fat hard cheese. I have soup quite a bit and salads. I also have the odd jacket potato with Tuna or Baked Beans and tonight I will have some pasta with seafood of some sort in it, probably crayfish tails and squid. I have some dried fruit and nuts every day now, apricots, prunes, figs, Brazil, hazel. almond and walnuts. A daily pro-biotic yoghurt and that's about it really. I'm really good with portions of food too these days and hardly ever over eat.
I can feel how weak my middle is now - it never ceases to amaze me quite how they must pull you about in Hospital to leave you feeling like this.
I'm sweating up nicely which means I did actually do some work and I've even given my weights a few minutes too (I know I said I wouldn't but I have gone easy).
It is a shame that Steve K in the US has had to call off our weight loss competition but Steve has stayed about the same whilst I have to admit I'm dropping weight quite readily. I'm guessing that I'm just getting back to the weight I was prior to living it up too much last year on the Cruise and just over eating.
Just on diet - I am still keeping away from bread entirely and have one large meal a week on Sunday - some sort of roast meat and potatoes etc. During the week I eat crisp breads and rice cakes with a variety of fish or curd/cottage cheese a little low fat hard cheese. I have soup quite a bit and salads. I also have the odd jacket potato with Tuna or Baked Beans and tonight I will have some pasta with seafood of some sort in it, probably crayfish tails and squid. I have some dried fruit and nuts every day now, apricots, prunes, figs, Brazil, hazel. almond and walnuts. A daily pro-biotic yoghurt and that's about it really. I'm really good with portions of food too these days and hardly ever over eat.
The way it works out
Finally no children around until Thursday late afternoon and where is Mrs. F?? Working - she signed up for that a month or so ago (normally she has summer off as a nursery school teacher) and so I'm Macaulay Culkin, Home Alone.
Not that I mind that but it would have been nice to have spent some time sans kids. They look to be enjoying themselves at Edinburgh Fringe Festival.
At least I can get on with work I suppose and can listen to whatever music I like - hey - it isn't so bad after all :-)
Not that I mind that but it would have been nice to have spent some time sans kids. They look to be enjoying themselves at Edinburgh Fringe Festival.
At least I can get on with work I suppose and can listen to whatever music I like - hey - it isn't so bad after all :-)
Monday, August 09, 2010
No Kids
hardly kids. L has arrived in Edinburgh and her sister has sent photos of them feeding her in case we were worried!
I'm getting ready to blitz my work for the next 4 days now today is out of the way. I might try and get back to exercise tomorrow if I can but maybe take it even easier than the last time. I'll give my weights a miss for sure.
I'm getting ready to blitz my work for the next 4 days now today is out of the way. I might try and get back to exercise tomorrow if I can but maybe take it even easier than the last time. I'll give my weights a miss for sure.
After Work Drinks?
Nope - got jilted. No one remembered to let me know that they couldn't make it. At least I left work early and got home in reasonable time too so nothing too bad came of it.
Next trip up there is next Month but picked up a fair bit of work to do in the meantime which will help fund what I am doing on my own stuff.
It was strange going back up to London and seeing the same old faces on the train and on the walk to the station.
Next trip up there is next Month but picked up a fair bit of work to do in the meantime which will help fund what I am doing on my own stuff.
It was strange going back up to London and seeing the same old faces on the train and on the walk to the station.
Troubled Night's Sleep
Not sure why that was - I was awake every 30 minutes or so, strange half dreams, bizarre things going on in my head. I'm at the office now - got the early train and needed to run off some documents so thought "why not?"
I'll test the lie of the land for slowly exiting from here too as it appears my replacement has picked up the gauntlet and run with it and the boss appears impressed too which is great. It is always nice to have chosen the right replacement, one who should be better and can build on my early work.
I said 2 and a bit years ago that I really wanted to make a difference. I think I can say that I did. I can see the work I am doing now fading down as the guy who owns it wants to be in the limelight and he can't do that if my finger prints are all over it can he? :-)
I am hopeful that I may get some sort of Trustee arrangement with the Charity in future years as I'd be able to deliver something extra that way.
It will be a long day today - pouring over a major framework document that I initially spent a long time editing only for the owner to destroy and chop into bits. Once he and his team have finished today, no doubt, I will be asked to stitch it back together, put back all the indexing and all the cross referencing, colour code and interlink the headers and put back all the fancy stuff they originally wanted and wondered why it had disappeared when he chopped the document to pieces! It's a funny old world sometimes.
My body appears to be functioning normally this morning - thank goodness. I still take a bit of a deep breath and hold it when I go to the toilet just in case though :-) Nothing quite like bits dropping out of your body to keep your attention.
Free sandwiches at lunchtime and drinks with my work mates tonight. Let's hope the meeting isn't boring.
I'll test the lie of the land for slowly exiting from here too as it appears my replacement has picked up the gauntlet and run with it and the boss appears impressed too which is great. It is always nice to have chosen the right replacement, one who should be better and can build on my early work.
I said 2 and a bit years ago that I really wanted to make a difference. I think I can say that I did. I can see the work I am doing now fading down as the guy who owns it wants to be in the limelight and he can't do that if my finger prints are all over it can he? :-)
I am hopeful that I may get some sort of Trustee arrangement with the Charity in future years as I'd be able to deliver something extra that way.
It will be a long day today - pouring over a major framework document that I initially spent a long time editing only for the owner to destroy and chop into bits. Once he and his team have finished today, no doubt, I will be asked to stitch it back together, put back all the indexing and all the cross referencing, colour code and interlink the headers and put back all the fancy stuff they originally wanted and wondered why it had disappeared when he chopped the document to pieces! It's a funny old world sometimes.
My body appears to be functioning normally this morning - thank goodness. I still take a bit of a deep breath and hold it when I go to the toilet just in case though :-) Nothing quite like bits dropping out of your body to keep your attention.
Free sandwiches at lunchtime and drinks with my work mates tonight. Let's hope the meeting isn't boring.
Sunday, August 08, 2010
Rather unfortunately it appears
That I've still a little more debris to remove from my system some 3 weeks and 2 days after my operation! I could hardly believe it as two smallish clots made their way out. Luckily it was just before I was about to do some exercise so I killed that idea off for the present. I think I will miss out tomorrow - I'm pretty much enforced to anyway as I have to go into London. I will start again on Tuesday and monitor the situation.
It is a fine balance but I want to get back to some regular exercise to complement all the other stuff I am doing.
I'm in the office tomorrow - must be the first time for a month I guess which will be nice. They are providing the food so that will be good too. I'm off in the evening for a few after work drinks with my colleagues which again I look forward to.
Weight - How do I call it this time?
I shall have to say no loss but the little red needle is below the 16 stone mark but not down by a whole pound. So I think that I should call it that it stays the same....
224 Pounds.
Getting back to exercise will I hope start to improve things a little. Not sure the celebration poached eggs, mushrooms and bacon will have improved things this morning but I'm allowed a little off piste eating every now and then, I'm not a Hermit after all!
224 Pounds.
Getting back to exercise will I hope start to improve things a little. Not sure the celebration poached eggs, mushrooms and bacon will have improved things this morning but I'm allowed a little off piste eating every now and then, I'm not a Hermit after all!
Saturday, August 07, 2010
Exercise
Well that went a little better than expected.
I dialled in level 3 (the starting level for many of the exercise routines) but didn't choose a programme to run. I then put in 5 km (about 3 miles) and 30 minutes. I can normally do between 6 and 7.4 km in 30 minutes. I was surprised to finish 5 km in 20 minutes considering I haven't been on the machine in 3 weeks!
My blood pressure reading is a tiny but higher than I was expecting but give the exercise a few more days and I'm sure it will dip down once again.
I feel reasonable after this so that's OK. I'll slowly lift the bar over the next few days to get back to my 30 minutes and three peaks exercise.
I dialled in level 3 (the starting level for many of the exercise routines) but didn't choose a programme to run. I then put in 5 km (about 3 miles) and 30 minutes. I can normally do between 6 and 7.4 km in 30 minutes. I was surprised to finish 5 km in 20 minutes considering I haven't been on the machine in 3 weeks!
My blood pressure reading is a tiny but higher than I was expecting but give the exercise a few more days and I'm sure it will dip down once again.
I feel reasonable after this so that's OK. I'll slowly lift the bar over the next few days to get back to my 30 minutes and three peaks exercise.
A clearing out of my clutter
I had no idea that I had accumulated so much clutter. We have a thing called Freecycle (it runs locally on Yahoo Groups) and it allows you to dispose (free of charge) of stuff you no longer want but that may be useful to other people. So I have hundreds of CDs and DVDs of software that I no longer need or want and the associated magazine that can go to a new home. Also some records that were lying around and some other bits of software that I've no more use for.
My shelves in my office look pretty bare now but that's OK - all it was doing was gathering dust.
Interestingly A got an old Kitchen Chair from Freecycle that she is painting up as a summer project. She is still up in Edinburgh at the moment attending the Fringe and L is going up at her sister's expense on Monday and returning Thursday as part of her birthday present. She is 17 on Friday!!! Unbelievable - she will start driving lessons soon and I'm just amazed how quick time has gone by.
I'm still feeling great - really upbeat - really happy - really light and bouncy. I know that I probably haven't beaten Bladder Cancer yet but what I do know is that I'm making every effort to stay clear. I feel the need to get back on to my exercise regime this afternoon as I haven't had any bits drop out of my body since Wednesday so I should be all right to get slowly back - not go mad at it just slowly return to peak.
Losing a stone has made a big difference and I intend to keep on losing weight until it gets back to normal levels and my blood pressure and everything else settles to where it should be.
My shelves in my office look pretty bare now but that's OK - all it was doing was gathering dust.
Interestingly A got an old Kitchen Chair from Freecycle that she is painting up as a summer project. She is still up in Edinburgh at the moment attending the Fringe and L is going up at her sister's expense on Monday and returning Thursday as part of her birthday present. She is 17 on Friday!!! Unbelievable - she will start driving lessons soon and I'm just amazed how quick time has gone by.
I'm still feeling great - really upbeat - really happy - really light and bouncy. I know that I probably haven't beaten Bladder Cancer yet but what I do know is that I'm making every effort to stay clear. I feel the need to get back on to my exercise regime this afternoon as I haven't had any bits drop out of my body since Wednesday so I should be all right to get slowly back - not go mad at it just slowly return to peak.
Losing a stone has made a big difference and I intend to keep on losing weight until it gets back to normal levels and my blood pressure and everything else settles to where it should be.
Early morning or late evening
for me - I've just got back from our Curry night - 17 of us out for a few beers and then at a Curry house for a really good evening meal.
Camaraderie is probably a good view of what it was all about and one guy is staying locally in a hotel having travelled about 80 miles to be with us. We are are ranged in age from 30 to 85 and so a good mix and not a bunch of trouble makers - so Flocky Bicep (who is often seen contributing to this blog or being the recipient of my scorn) was the guy that organised it and it is just a great fun evening. We had a good laugh in the pub, great food and fun at the restaurant and we left feeling we had a good evening and both the pub and restaurant profited too :-)
At the moment life is good, my life is in "re-build" mode and perhaps I can re-build my life with my family and with my friends because now - I am normal again. I'm no longer someone different with cancer, being treated, suffering from and different to them. I'm back where I was 4 years ago and I'm socially acceptable again. It sounds harsh but it is reality and I don't bear any malice in that statement - it is the way it is - I'm sure it would be if it was someone else. My friend KL was saying that his wife is now 10 years clear of Breast Cancer and ready to be signed off. In my world she was clear 12 months after we knew she had it following her treatment. I have altered my view since then but if I wasn't a (I wanted to use victim which is the wrong word) co-sufferer I would have a totally different view.
Camaraderie is probably a good view of what it was all about and one guy is staying locally in a hotel having travelled about 80 miles to be with us. We are are ranged in age from 30 to 85 and so a good mix and not a bunch of trouble makers - so Flocky Bicep (who is often seen contributing to this blog or being the recipient of my scorn) was the guy that organised it and it is just a great fun evening. We had a good laugh in the pub, great food and fun at the restaurant and we left feeling we had a good evening and both the pub and restaurant profited too :-)
At the moment life is good, my life is in "re-build" mode and perhaps I can re-build my life with my family and with my friends because now - I am normal again. I'm no longer someone different with cancer, being treated, suffering from and different to them. I'm back where I was 4 years ago and I'm socially acceptable again. It sounds harsh but it is reality and I don't bear any malice in that statement - it is the way it is - I'm sure it would be if it was someone else. My friend KL was saying that his wife is now 10 years clear of Breast Cancer and ready to be signed off. In my world she was clear 12 months after we knew she had it following her treatment. I have altered my view since then but if I wasn't a (I wanted to use victim which is the wrong word) co-sufferer I would have a totally different view.
Friday, August 06, 2010
BCAN Awareness Day
Big shame there is nothing like this in the UK yet. However, kudos to these guys in the US raising awareness etc. I support them with the Orange Wristbands - I must get some more soon I'm running out after distributing them amongst friends.
Bob Schieffer on Bladder Cancer
This is perhaps one for the US audience who will know this gentleman. The graphics are excellent.
Bang and my brain explodes
What a good week it has been. Not only has Tuesday and the good news lifted a weight of my back (whether I knew it was there or not), it has also been a good week for releasing creativity especially after yesterday's meeting when suddenly it all started to fall into place about how we could run this business successfully - then the scary bit kicks in about how many £Ms of finance we need to see this through.
Suddenly it isn't just about the doing and the technology and the business setting up. It is also about raising the capital and making sure that it is available and drawn down at the right times and used properly. Suddenly all of that clicked into place too. It's stuff you know about deep down inside but you need the reality of a serious business conversation to flip the adrenaline switch....
Exciting times as suddenly the most difficult part of the business starts to come together. For 3 years we have struggled to express what we are doing in a simple and straightforward manner. The reasons are that we are solving not one but several issues all at once and describing that in simple language is too difficult. If we reflect what it may look like we start to draw comparisions which is unhelpful.
So after many hard weeks and many iterations we are boiling things down to a point where we can actually call it something other than its working title. I'm firing away on corporate planning, financial forecasts and all that good stuff. I just need to get into it and cut loose. There are too many distractions at the moment. The incentive is that this is our own money we are burning and we wont have customers for quite a long time so the longer we spend on it the more it costs us. Also part of the rush is the reality that we have no income to speak of and need the investment to come in in around 6 months.
How on earth I get all this stuff out of my head and onto paper I don't know - I just cannot type fast enough....
It is fab to get my life back again and have something really exciting, complex and challenging to do.
Suddenly it isn't just about the doing and the technology and the business setting up. It is also about raising the capital and making sure that it is available and drawn down at the right times and used properly. Suddenly all of that clicked into place too. It's stuff you know about deep down inside but you need the reality of a serious business conversation to flip the adrenaline switch....
Exciting times as suddenly the most difficult part of the business starts to come together. For 3 years we have struggled to express what we are doing in a simple and straightforward manner. The reasons are that we are solving not one but several issues all at once and describing that in simple language is too difficult. If we reflect what it may look like we start to draw comparisions which is unhelpful.
So after many hard weeks and many iterations we are boiling things down to a point where we can actually call it something other than its working title. I'm firing away on corporate planning, financial forecasts and all that good stuff. I just need to get into it and cut loose. There are too many distractions at the moment. The incentive is that this is our own money we are burning and we wont have customers for quite a long time so the longer we spend on it the more it costs us. Also part of the rush is the reality that we have no income to speak of and need the investment to come in in around 6 months.
How on earth I get all this stuff out of my head and onto paper I don't know - I just cannot type fast enough....
It is fab to get my life back again and have something really exciting, complex and challenging to do.
Thursday, August 05, 2010
Something to make your head buzz
Phew - meeting went well - fantastic buzz afterwards as my head went off in to full explode mode. The more we get into the depths of our business the greater the challenge. I thought that our scale and ambition has always been set high and today we started to realise just how high. What came across and perhaps surprised us is the availability of finance options.
I don't appear to have any more bit dropping out of my body today. I think if nothing has happened by Sunday I will get back into light training on my cross trainer. It will three weeks tomorrow and I should be somewhere near the zone.
I certainly don't want to lost the habit or lose the benefits that it appears to have brought so far.
It's a curry night tomorrow which with 17 of us going along should be a great evening.
I don't appear to have any more bit dropping out of my body today. I think if nothing has happened by Sunday I will get back into light training on my cross trainer. It will three weeks tomorrow and I should be somewhere near the zone.
I certainly don't want to lost the habit or lose the benefits that it appears to have brought so far.
It's a curry night tomorrow which with 17 of us going along should be a great evening.
Blog before Breakfast
Then off to London to meet the new potential financial guy. Jazz was good except when I went to the toilet and passed another huge scab. Obviously not ready to get back onto the exercise bike today. I managed to get soaked as a rogue shower emptied its contents on me. Even with a huge golfing umbrella I was soaked up beyond my knees and my shoes were just about to give up when I got into the hall.
It looks a great day - it will be interesting to see quite what it brings :-)
It looks a great day - it will be interesting to see quite what it brings :-)
Wednesday, August 04, 2010
Jazz
I cannot fault going out the the Jazz evening as I really enjoy a bit of live music a a few pints of Old Speckled Hen to wash it all down with.
I need to wind down a bit as today was full on with the new business and tomorrow we actually get to start meeting and greeting people and perhaps welcome another member to our team.
Today it dawned on us just how big our task actually is and in many respects how far we had already come along the way. It is pretty impressive to see the quantity and the quality of the work done so far.
I need to wind down a bit as today was full on with the new business and tomorrow we actually get to start meeting and greeting people and perhaps welcome another member to our team.
Today it dawned on us just how big our task actually is and in many respects how far we had already come along the way. It is pretty impressive to see the quantity and the quality of the work done so far.
Get off Monkey
What a huge difference I notice in myself today - the Monkey on my Shoulder's gone and I feel light (the weight has gone) I feel bright and cheerful and ecstatic and all because I don't have to have an operation in 6 months.
That and to again have found no cancer inside of me too. If I could exhale for a minute or longer I would do PPPPPPPPppppppphhhhhhhhheeeeeewwwwww :-)
I can't tell you how huge a difference it has made to me - I'm somehow really upbeat, optimistic and cheerful all at the same time. My business partner is here today and I'm looking forward to getting stuck in to an uninterrupted 6 months of work. Tomorrow we go and meet the guy who is - potentially - going to be our Financial man. Tonight I'm off for a nigh at the Trad Jazz evening.
That and to again have found no cancer inside of me too. If I could exhale for a minute or longer I would do PPPPPPPPppppppphhhhhhhhheeeeeewwwwww :-)
I can't tell you how huge a difference it has made to me - I'm somehow really upbeat, optimistic and cheerful all at the same time. My business partner is here today and I'm looking forward to getting stuck in to an uninterrupted 6 months of work. Tomorrow we go and meet the guy who is - potentially - going to be our Financial man. Tonight I'm off for a nigh at the Trad Jazz evening.
Tuesday, August 03, 2010
The guy that encouraged me to write this blog
Was the chap I met tonight whose dad died last night. They had just moved back in to the village here and just a few weeks later it was all over and his dad died. The new next door neighbours came over to complain that the lights were left on last night.
"That would be on account of the nurse coming over due to "a serious and sudden deterioration of his condition" my friend suggested. Well - "my wife found it hard to sleep and I hope it doesn't happen again?" "I doubt it" my friend said "he died 10 minutes ago, you should get some sleep tonight!"
He and I like my "I'm Not Dead Yet" Tee-Shirt I wear occasionally. Everyone - listen to me - stop being such annal retentive dick-heads and "GET A LIFE"
How dare they come over and complain that a light was left on when at that actual time a human life was going out??? Sometimes, when I see the world's sufferings and man's inhumanity to man graphically displayed on the news and then you get some self centred NMBY (Not In My Back Yard) on - don't you just want to go and drill them? I know I do - but then I'm getting old and far more right wing than I ever was.
I had a little cuddle with my mate as he arrived at the pub. We don't do that sort of thing normally, we are British and that's not the way we greet each other - you should shake hands and all that but my friend just lost his Dad and after all, an arm round your shoulder says a thousand words because - not only don't we like touching each other, we are also very bad at saying the right thing either!!! It's tough being British as our stiff upper lips get in the way of our feelings and we aren't very good at expressing ourselves. I don't think I've ever given him a "cuddle" but I just felt it was necessary and saved me the embarrassment of having to express my sentiments at his father's demise.
I have to say though that KP - he knows who he is - is massively responsible for this blog and so I do hope that he reads it and realises the major part he has played in getting this diatribe out into to the wide world and the benefit for me - if for no one else?
Respect KP - you've played such a major part in my recovery - I just can't express how important it has been to have this outlet available and your support during that time.
"That would be on account of the nurse coming over due to "a serious and sudden deterioration of his condition" my friend suggested. Well - "my wife found it hard to sleep and I hope it doesn't happen again?" "I doubt it" my friend said "he died 10 minutes ago, you should get some sleep tonight!"
He and I like my "I'm Not Dead Yet" Tee-Shirt I wear occasionally. Everyone - listen to me - stop being such annal retentive dick-heads and "GET A LIFE"
How dare they come over and complain that a light was left on when at that actual time a human life was going out??? Sometimes, when I see the world's sufferings and man's inhumanity to man graphically displayed on the news and then you get some self centred NMBY (Not In My Back Yard) on - don't you just want to go and drill them? I know I do - but then I'm getting old and far more right wing than I ever was.
I had a little cuddle with my mate as he arrived at the pub. We don't do that sort of thing normally, we are British and that's not the way we greet each other - you should shake hands and all that but my friend just lost his Dad and after all, an arm round your shoulder says a thousand words because - not only don't we like touching each other, we are also very bad at saying the right thing either!!! It's tough being British as our stiff upper lips get in the way of our feelings and we aren't very good at expressing ourselves. I don't think I've ever given him a "cuddle" but I just felt it was necessary and saved me the embarrassment of having to express my sentiments at his father's demise.
I have to say though that KP - he knows who he is - is massively responsible for this blog and so I do hope that he reads it and realises the major part he has played in getting this diatribe out into to the wide world and the benefit for me - if for no one else?
Respect KP - you've played such a major part in my recovery - I just can't express how important it has been to have this outlet available and your support during that time.
Oh Happy Day!!!
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
OK - I waited 30 minutes to see the Consultant (Doctor), Jo, my Urology Nurse, picked me up from reception and we walked through. "Have you got your stress balls?" she asked. "I hope I don't need them!" I said as we walked into the office. It was smiles all round and my consultant, obvioulsy not in on the joke looked at me. I explained that I was surprised Jo "recognised me with my clothes on" and that when I have the BCG treatment, I carry in a pair or Stress balls. Having sorted that out - we exchanged pleasantries (as you do) and she just said that the results were clear.
"Great" I said. Then the even better news - "we can now go to a check by flexible cystoscopy"
I have to tell you that this is such good news for me, 4 years, 9 operations and an explanation that the reason they had gone for lots more biopsies, especially around the neck of the bladder (where the original tumour was close to) was to allow them to be able to take this decision.
Relief? You're not kidding. I am so pleased that I'm smiling writing this yet I have a tiny tear of emotion in my eyes too. I was hoping so much to move on and this really has let me do that. I can't even begin to tell you what a relief it is. I had a small whinge about the treatment I had received and also asked for the fainting fit to be stuck on the notes so that people knew not to back pressure my bladder next time (if there is one). I'd certainly say something but thought the notes should too!
As I say that, I find that one of my friends from school I am meeting tonight (we meet every month) just dropped me a note with 2 messages. His brother - who I haven't seen for 35 years will be coming over tonight but that their father died last night, of cancer. The other friend who will be there is the one whose dad died just as I was diagnosed causing all sorts of anguish I can tell you. The one who cannot make it tonight, his father-in-law - who I knew quite well died of Bladder Cancer just last year after many years fighting it. I intend that we will celebrate life and to help the cause Ii have already had three pints of Spitfire on my way home. Mrs. F. and L accompanied me at the pub to celebrate :-)
What a strange and fateful day for me. I like the fact that we will celebrate my friend's dad's life - I have no doubt that is what he would want us to do. I only met him a few times but he was a lovely man.
I am so pleased with the outcome - it was the best news I could have had especially after all that trauma of the past few weeks.
OK - I waited 30 minutes to see the Consultant (Doctor), Jo, my Urology Nurse, picked me up from reception and we walked through. "Have you got your stress balls?" she asked. "I hope I don't need them!" I said as we walked into the office. It was smiles all round and my consultant, obvioulsy not in on the joke looked at me. I explained that I was surprised Jo "recognised me with my clothes on" and that when I have the BCG treatment, I carry in a pair or Stress balls. Having sorted that out - we exchanged pleasantries (as you do) and she just said that the results were clear.
"Great" I said. Then the even better news - "we can now go to a check by flexible cystoscopy"
I have to tell you that this is such good news for me, 4 years, 9 operations and an explanation that the reason they had gone for lots more biopsies, especially around the neck of the bladder (where the original tumour was close to) was to allow them to be able to take this decision.
Relief? You're not kidding. I am so pleased that I'm smiling writing this yet I have a tiny tear of emotion in my eyes too. I was hoping so much to move on and this really has let me do that. I can't even begin to tell you what a relief it is. I had a small whinge about the treatment I had received and also asked for the fainting fit to be stuck on the notes so that people knew not to back pressure my bladder next time (if there is one). I'd certainly say something but thought the notes should too!
As I say that, I find that one of my friends from school I am meeting tonight (we meet every month) just dropped me a note with 2 messages. His brother - who I haven't seen for 35 years will be coming over tonight but that their father died last night, of cancer. The other friend who will be there is the one whose dad died just as I was diagnosed causing all sorts of anguish I can tell you. The one who cannot make it tonight, his father-in-law - who I knew quite well died of Bladder Cancer just last year after many years fighting it. I intend that we will celebrate life and to help the cause Ii have already had three pints of Spitfire on my way home. Mrs. F. and L accompanied me at the pub to celebrate :-)
What a strange and fateful day for me. I like the fact that we will celebrate my friend's dad's life - I have no doubt that is what he would want us to do. I only met him a few times but he was a lovely man.
I am so pleased with the outcome - it was the best news I could have had especially after all that trauma of the past few weeks.
Monday, August 02, 2010
WAMU: The Diane Rehm Show Podcast : NPR Podcasts
WAMU: The Diane Rehm Show Podcast : NPR Podcasts
Also HERE
2nd August 2010 - Bladder Cancer. This is a podcast and is about an hour long. It is very interesting stuff and highlights one of the key things about bladder cancer - that is the sheer cost of treatment and its recurrence rates. Some very interesting points here for the US audience and here in Europe too.
I have been trying to explain how different bladder cancer is to people for a long time, about the long term follow up work and the high levels of recurrence but with the frequency of follow up and the slow growing nature - they are able to give us BC survivors a good prognosis. There are still further treatments and things they can do in the future should I get another recurrence. More treatment, surgery and even more radical things can be done to prolong my life.
It was also interesting to hear that as this is the 5th most prevalent cancer in the US and the 4th here in the UK how little attention or funding it gets. Is this because it is a "below the belt" cancer?? Given how much it costs the NHS here in the UK (paid for by our national insurance scheme) and individual's insurance in the US you would have thought there were some long term financial gains to be made by advancing the research into Bladder Cancer.
One of the panellists has been checked for 30 years (she is only 50) and it could be much much longer of course. Imagine if you will what sort of costs that is for a theatre, all the laundry, personnel, doctor, heating, lighting etc and all the drugs and stuff - then multiply that by 30 and you can see quite how expensive it is.
Interesting stuff I think you'll find.
Also HERE
2nd August 2010 - Bladder Cancer. This is a podcast and is about an hour long. It is very interesting stuff and highlights one of the key things about bladder cancer - that is the sheer cost of treatment and its recurrence rates. Some very interesting points here for the US audience and here in Europe too.
I have been trying to explain how different bladder cancer is to people for a long time, about the long term follow up work and the high levels of recurrence but with the frequency of follow up and the slow growing nature - they are able to give us BC survivors a good prognosis. There are still further treatments and things they can do in the future should I get another recurrence. More treatment, surgery and even more radical things can be done to prolong my life.
It was also interesting to hear that as this is the 5th most prevalent cancer in the US and the 4th here in the UK how little attention or funding it gets. Is this because it is a "below the belt" cancer?? Given how much it costs the NHS here in the UK (paid for by our national insurance scheme) and individual's insurance in the US you would have thought there were some long term financial gains to be made by advancing the research into Bladder Cancer.
One of the panellists has been checked for 30 years (she is only 50) and it could be much much longer of course. Imagine if you will what sort of costs that is for a theatre, all the laundry, personnel, doctor, heating, lighting etc and all the drugs and stuff - then multiply that by 30 and you can see quite how expensive it is.
Interesting stuff I think you'll find.
Verdict Day approaches
I'll have a walk to the nearer Hospital tomorrow - at least it has an open out patients area not like the other place which triggers my claustrophobia off nicely as it is hot and over crowded and pokey.
Let's hope for some good news this time and that the lab reports follow the visual one and there is nothing there. It really needs to be given the experience I had this time. I nearly got back onto the exercise machine today but decided to wait until tomorrow and get the SP from the consultant and then I can make up my mind what to do next.
I'm quite pleased with myself as I made my first batch of Cottage (or Curd) Cheese last night and had some for lunch today. It is pretty good and quite different to the pots of stuff you get at the supermarket. It is much finer grained and a little drier (maybe I overdid the draining). You get a fair amount out of a few pints of milk and you get sour milk / butter milk so Mrs. F. made blueberry muffins with that too.
I am toying with the idea of following Steve K's inclusion of the Budwig Protocol in my diet and so will source some Flaxseed Oil (or Linseed as we call it over here) and some Flax Seeds themselves to add to the Cottage Cheese and try out the mixture. If you follow the link above you will see Steve's take on it and I feel I ought to give this a try to add in to my diet. I've been pretty good about what I eat but once again, this week finds me out three times - tomorrow with my school chums, Wednesday at the Trad Jazz night and Friday Flocky Bicep has organised a Curry Club - there should be about 15 to 17 of us out for the night. Each requires me to drink beer (of course) and Friday to have a Curry. However I do tend to go for fish or vegetarian these days so hopefully that will stop me piling on the pounds.
Exercise - I must get back to it and so far it has been two days since the last appearance of scabs and bits falling out of me. I am guessing that I could easily do light exercise without turning on the resistance magnets just to give myself a light jog rather than a workout. As for the weights - perhaps early next week.
I'm trying to get some sleep but for some reason my mind is skipping ahead to tomorrow - even though there is nothing I can actually do about the outcome!
Let's hope for some good news this time and that the lab reports follow the visual one and there is nothing there. It really needs to be given the experience I had this time. I nearly got back onto the exercise machine today but decided to wait until tomorrow and get the SP from the consultant and then I can make up my mind what to do next.
I'm quite pleased with myself as I made my first batch of Cottage (or Curd) Cheese last night and had some for lunch today. It is pretty good and quite different to the pots of stuff you get at the supermarket. It is much finer grained and a little drier (maybe I overdid the draining). You get a fair amount out of a few pints of milk and you get sour milk / butter milk so Mrs. F. made blueberry muffins with that too.
I am toying with the idea of following Steve K's inclusion of the Budwig Protocol in my diet and so will source some Flaxseed Oil (or Linseed as we call it over here) and some Flax Seeds themselves to add to the Cottage Cheese and try out the mixture. If you follow the link above you will see Steve's take on it and I feel I ought to give this a try to add in to my diet. I've been pretty good about what I eat but once again, this week finds me out three times - tomorrow with my school chums, Wednesday at the Trad Jazz night and Friday Flocky Bicep has organised a Curry Club - there should be about 15 to 17 of us out for the night. Each requires me to drink beer (of course) and Friday to have a Curry. However I do tend to go for fish or vegetarian these days so hopefully that will stop me piling on the pounds.
Exercise - I must get back to it and so far it has been two days since the last appearance of scabs and bits falling out of me. I am guessing that I could easily do light exercise without turning on the resistance magnets just to give myself a light jog rather than a workout. As for the weights - perhaps early next week.
I'm trying to get some sleep but for some reason my mind is skipping ahead to tomorrow - even though there is nothing I can actually do about the outcome!
A Grand Place
It most certainly is a Grand Place. I don't remember it being as crowded as this but then I wasn't always there during the tourist season as most of Europe closes down around about now and everyone goes on holiday.
It was a good break and perhaps the only one I'll get away with this year whilst I am working on getting some funding for our new venture. That is proving hard work at the moment as we grind through the tedious stuff of naming the project (we already have a working name). We need to choose something appropriate and that sticks in the mind. It may well be changed later but we need to rally around a flag and start talking a common language. There will be more later but what we are doing is radically different but we are reluctant to use existing language to express what sets it apart as it associates it with existing technologies. We are nearing the holy grail of having new language and new definitions, a sales drill and other things. We are also close to getting the team built now as we have found our "missing link". I'm pretty good at financial stuff and have produced all the finances to date but really needed as specialist. It looks as if we have found that person which is great.
I am feeling a lot better today and I'm getting back to work albeit a bit slowly as I need to catch up on the work my colleague has done whilst I have been off work. Tomorrow I find out what the results of the biopsies are and where my future lies. I was impressed today as I needed a belt to stop my jeans falling down!! I seem to have shrunk around the waist and chest all of a sudden even though I've only lost a few pounds this week. Strange :-)
It was a good break and perhaps the only one I'll get away with this year whilst I am working on getting some funding for our new venture. That is proving hard work at the moment as we grind through the tedious stuff of naming the project (we already have a working name). We need to choose something appropriate and that sticks in the mind. It may well be changed later but we need to rally around a flag and start talking a common language. There will be more later but what we are doing is radically different but we are reluctant to use existing language to express what sets it apart as it associates it with existing technologies. We are nearing the holy grail of having new language and new definitions, a sales drill and other things. We are also close to getting the team built now as we have found our "missing link". I'm pretty good at financial stuff and have produced all the finances to date but really needed as specialist. It looks as if we have found that person which is great.
I am feeling a lot better today and I'm getting back to work albeit a bit slowly as I need to catch up on the work my colleague has done whilst I have been off work. Tomorrow I find out what the results of the biopsies are and where my future lies. I was impressed today as I needed a belt to stop my jeans falling down!! I seem to have shrunk around the waist and chest all of a sudden even though I've only lost a few pounds this week. Strange :-)
Sunday, August 01, 2010
Denial?
Not a river in Egypt - a thought going through my head.
It could even be not taking it seriously or taking it too lightly. It just appears to me that so many people talk to me and it's the way that they look at you and the tone of their voices that trigger this reflection on whether or not I understand the gravity of the situation that I am in. Sounds funny? Well to me it does as I don't look at it that way.
I think that there is some measure of truth about being in denial or not taking it seriously as I am certain that it doesn't actually accomplish anything for me to be thinking like that so it is a bit of kid-ology attached to it. I think that bladder cancer is also "a little different" to other cancers in as much as it is very treatable in the way that I've had it. In other words, whilst it is nasty and we all know it is a killer, in bladder cancer terms, caught early, non-invasive and low/medium grade as mine was - is controllable. After they've gotten rid of the offending tumour, treated the bladder with BCG, they keep their eye on you at a minimum yearly.
Bladder Cancer is slow growing and so they can quickly whip any new tumours out or identify any areas of concern. That's happened to me already with a minute recurrence but this time all looks clear. The downside is that I'll be being checked regularly for the rest of my life by the looks of it and possibly that will be yearly (I don't know what the future is on that) I assume. It may be different with advances in treatment over what's left of my life.
Because I am comfortable (might be the wrong word) that they can catch any recurrence in a timely manner and that they should get this before it has an opportunity to harm me, then I feel a certain level of confidence about the disease I've had and feel I should convey that by being positive and optimistic to people I meet. I guess we are all, deep down, frightened of Cancer and perhaps that is what people don't quite get when they meet me. I have a pretty healthy respect for it but I also think that you must also communicate the good stuff too. I survived, modern medicine boosted my immune system to fight the cancer and these days you are more likely to survive. All of these things are worth communicating and I like to consider that I am being a mini ambassador for the disease and for the advances in treatment that mean I survived.
I don't think I'm in denial and I'd like to consider that I know pretty much what has happened to me, why it happened and what I can do to improve my survival chances. All these things are actually good news and deserve to be communicated. I imagine that generally things are negative and such things as hair loss and the loss of loved ones to Cancer sets people's behaviour so that they see my attitude as unusual and the opposite of what they expected.
Denial? Maybe but only for self protection - I never ever want to go look down the abyss again and I surely don't want my old friend the Black Dog to come visit again.
It could even be not taking it seriously or taking it too lightly. It just appears to me that so many people talk to me and it's the way that they look at you and the tone of their voices that trigger this reflection on whether or not I understand the gravity of the situation that I am in. Sounds funny? Well to me it does as I don't look at it that way.
I think that there is some measure of truth about being in denial or not taking it seriously as I am certain that it doesn't actually accomplish anything for me to be thinking like that so it is a bit of kid-ology attached to it. I think that bladder cancer is also "a little different" to other cancers in as much as it is very treatable in the way that I've had it. In other words, whilst it is nasty and we all know it is a killer, in bladder cancer terms, caught early, non-invasive and low/medium grade as mine was - is controllable. After they've gotten rid of the offending tumour, treated the bladder with BCG, they keep their eye on you at a minimum yearly.
Bladder Cancer is slow growing and so they can quickly whip any new tumours out or identify any areas of concern. That's happened to me already with a minute recurrence but this time all looks clear. The downside is that I'll be being checked regularly for the rest of my life by the looks of it and possibly that will be yearly (I don't know what the future is on that) I assume. It may be different with advances in treatment over what's left of my life.
Because I am comfortable (might be the wrong word) that they can catch any recurrence in a timely manner and that they should get this before it has an opportunity to harm me, then I feel a certain level of confidence about the disease I've had and feel I should convey that by being positive and optimistic to people I meet. I guess we are all, deep down, frightened of Cancer and perhaps that is what people don't quite get when they meet me. I have a pretty healthy respect for it but I also think that you must also communicate the good stuff too. I survived, modern medicine boosted my immune system to fight the cancer and these days you are more likely to survive. All of these things are worth communicating and I like to consider that I am being a mini ambassador for the disease and for the advances in treatment that mean I survived.
I don't think I'm in denial and I'd like to consider that I know pretty much what has happened to me, why it happened and what I can do to improve my survival chances. All these things are actually good news and deserve to be communicated. I imagine that generally things are negative and such things as hair loss and the loss of loved ones to Cancer sets people's behaviour so that they see my attitude as unusual and the opposite of what they expected.
Denial? Maybe but only for self protection - I never ever want to go look down the abyss again and I surely don't want my old friend the Black Dog to come visit again.
Weight this week - a pleasant and unexpected surprise
224 Pounds or 16 stone. Good grief - I thought I would have put on a lot although I have eaten sensibly and done plenty of walking. That's about 1 stone since I've started my "health kick". Still more to go and it is a good feeling to start noticing my clothes being loose on me.
Perhaps I should complain to the Belgian Beer Companies that their beer isn't full of enough carbohydrates :-)
Talking of Belgian beer - I did enjoy a few (as you do) and still like Duvel (Devil) as it is quite strong but not like the Trappist beers. There are some bars in Brussels that sell around 200 beers and there is a different glass (shape, logo etc) for every beer. One of the more amazing ones is Kwak which comes in a wooden handled mini "yard of ale" type glass. I recommend a visit to Belgium just for the beer alone.
As for my ongoing recovery - overnight I've been visiting the toilet every hour or so - which is to be expected as I have been drinking a lot to ease the pains I was getting. This morning, after several more bits have fallen out or been passed out I am a lot better and peeing is less painful. I'm still quite tender around my bladder / stomach area but that is only to be expected I guess. I'm going to take it easy again today - plenty more water to drink and hopefully I'll be fit enough to return to exercising later this week.
Perhaps I should complain to the Belgian Beer Companies that their beer isn't full of enough carbohydrates :-)
Talking of Belgian beer - I did enjoy a few (as you do) and still like Duvel (Devil) as it is quite strong but not like the Trappist beers. There are some bars in Brussels that sell around 200 beers and there is a different glass (shape, logo etc) for every beer. One of the more amazing ones is Kwak which comes in a wooden handled mini "yard of ale" type glass. I recommend a visit to Belgium just for the beer alone.
As for my ongoing recovery - overnight I've been visiting the toilet every hour or so - which is to be expected as I have been drinking a lot to ease the pains I was getting. This morning, after several more bits have fallen out or been passed out I am a lot better and peeing is less painful. I'm still quite tender around my bladder / stomach area but that is only to be expected I guess. I'm going to take it easy again today - plenty more water to drink and hopefully I'll be fit enough to return to exercising later this week.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
And some more
Yep - the yuk bit has just gotten under way - it happens every time but at the moment - I can now see why I'm as badly beaten up the large scabs/clots dropping out of me are anything to go by.
It is amazing that this much drops out of you - who would have thought your bladder was that big in the first place?
I've only to now wait until Tuesday to find out what the results are and what they are planning to do with me next! Gee - I hope that it has been worth all this messing around and that they don't want to do this all over again in 3 months. I guess I could live with a 6 month Cystoscope but I ought not to second guess their verdict.
It is amazing that this much drops out of you - who would have thought your bladder was that big in the first place?
I've only to now wait until Tuesday to find out what the results are and what they are planning to do with me next! Gee - I hope that it has been worth all this messing around and that they don't want to do this all over again in 3 months. I guess I could live with a 6 month Cystoscope but I ought not to second guess their verdict.
That could be why
I just went to the toilet and a huge scab/clot was passed and I'm just wondering whether this is part of what I was told would be "a little more painful than usual" as my consultant warned me?
Certainly it appears to be larger than usual and I'm glad that I am taking my own advice and taking it easy today. I imagine there'll be a bit more of this to contend with over the next day or so and that should be it. It is, after all, 2 weeks since the Operation.
Certainly it appears to be larger than usual and I'm glad that I am taking my own advice and taking it easy today. I imagine there'll be a bit more of this to contend with over the next day or so and that should be it. It is, after all, 2 weeks since the Operation.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Tourists
Are funny aren't they? Waiting for the train (or even at an airport) why does everyone queue up when the train or plane isn't even called yet but an official walks towards the doors?
Me? I travelled for a living at one time and so am used to hanging around waiting and knowing a few golden rules about such things. You have a seat number for a reason and if you aren't there, they'll soon call for you. And why queue to get onto a train that still has 30 minutes before departure?
So it was amusing that the lady who stepped up to examine the door suddenly found about 400 people queued up behind her. We let the queue go down for 10 minutes and ambled to the train and got on our seats without hassle. They don't knowingly leave anyone behind...
I suppose it must be me but it is so simple to travel hassle free and well planned. I must say, I find A is great at planning and knowing where she is - probably because she is quite a traveller herself. She is back off to Edinburgh on Monday for a couple of weeks. For her sister's birthday she has given her a return ticket to Edinburgh and some tickets for the Comedy Festival - which I am sure she will love. She will be travelling on her own and I'm sure that she will be fine if she observed A's map reading and organising abilities.
I'm feeling a little better at the moment but urinating is a bit painful. It is strange, it is more of an ache than a stabbing pain. It is similar to many of the early issues you get after a rigid cystoscopy without the violent stinging that sometimes accompanies that. I just need to make sure there is no retention. So far there hasn't been any but I need to be aware that it can happen.
Me? I travelled for a living at one time and so am used to hanging around waiting and knowing a few golden rules about such things. You have a seat number for a reason and if you aren't there, they'll soon call for you. And why queue to get onto a train that still has 30 minutes before departure?
So it was amusing that the lady who stepped up to examine the door suddenly found about 400 people queued up behind her. We let the queue go down for 10 minutes and ambled to the train and got on our seats without hassle. They don't knowingly leave anyone behind...
I suppose it must be me but it is so simple to travel hassle free and well planned. I must say, I find A is great at planning and knowing where she is - probably because she is quite a traveller herself. She is back off to Edinburgh on Monday for a couple of weeks. For her sister's birthday she has given her a return ticket to Edinburgh and some tickets for the Comedy Festival - which I am sure she will love. She will be travelling on her own and I'm sure that she will be fine if she observed A's map reading and organising abilities.
I'm feeling a little better at the moment but urinating is a bit painful. It is strange, it is more of an ache than a stabbing pain. It is similar to many of the early issues you get after a rigid cystoscopy without the violent stinging that sometimes accompanies that. I just need to make sure there is no retention. So far there hasn't been any but I need to be aware that it can happen.
I'm no Jean Claude Van Damm
Obviously! The first day in Brussels and I was keen to show the family around. The wonders of high speed train travel - especially as we had to wait years to get the high speed line itself built. We left at 5 in the morning and by 09:30 CET (08:30 BST) we were arriving in Brussels. A brisk walk to the Hotel and depositing our luggage I took the family on a guided tour of Brussels. Not bad as I hadn't been there for 12 years.
We walked for miles and miles doubling across the capital and seeing all the major sites before arriving back at the Hotel to check in and then we went and did a large circuit around the canal area. By the time we got back we must have covered 6 to 8 miles I reckon.
Out in the evening for a meal and then it began to dawn on me that I wasn't quite my usual self and I could feel that I'd pulled myself about a bit. I think I've just managed to pull around my bladder / groin area and urinating was becoming a bit difficult - and a tiny bit painful. The next day we went to Heysel and the Atomium in the morning - that was all by Metro so not too much walking involved and then we stopped off at Louise for some brief shopping and then got back to the Hotel. As it was mid afternoon - I volunteered to stay propped at the bar whilst Mrs. F. A&L went out chocolate shopping, visited the Cathedral which we had only spent a brief time at before and had a wander around.
The next day we went to Ghent which I had last been to 18 years ago. I had to admit - I barely recognised any of it apart from the centre. It was very quiet when I was there last and they have had a huge building project since - I didn't recognise the 2.5kM walk into town and we had a canal tour and pottered around in some pretty impressive churches they have there. We had the most wonderful lunch and by then I was beginning to get a bit tired again so we headed off and got a tram back to the station and headed back into Brussels. I still managed to slightly overdo it but I suppose you do a bit. I feel a lot better than I really am.
The train home was fantastic and we were home in a little under 2 hours from Brussels which is great if you think about it - I guess we were travelling for 3 hours in total from the Hotel. The tickets are valid for travel anywhere in Belgium so we reckon we could be in most of the good places in 4 hours! Incredible.
So at the moment I am sitting down, taking it easy and wondering when I can get back to some level of exercise that doesn't damage me. Tuesday is results day and with any luck I might get a 6 month reprieve from the Cystoscope machine :-)
We walked for miles and miles doubling across the capital and seeing all the major sites before arriving back at the Hotel to check in and then we went and did a large circuit around the canal area. By the time we got back we must have covered 6 to 8 miles I reckon.
Out in the evening for a meal and then it began to dawn on me that I wasn't quite my usual self and I could feel that I'd pulled myself about a bit. I think I've just managed to pull around my bladder / groin area and urinating was becoming a bit difficult - and a tiny bit painful. The next day we went to Heysel and the Atomium in the morning - that was all by Metro so not too much walking involved and then we stopped off at Louise for some brief shopping and then got back to the Hotel. As it was mid afternoon - I volunteered to stay propped at the bar whilst Mrs. F. A&L went out chocolate shopping, visited the Cathedral which we had only spent a brief time at before and had a wander around.
The next day we went to Ghent which I had last been to 18 years ago. I had to admit - I barely recognised any of it apart from the centre. It was very quiet when I was there last and they have had a huge building project since - I didn't recognise the 2.5kM walk into town and we had a canal tour and pottered around in some pretty impressive churches they have there. We had the most wonderful lunch and by then I was beginning to get a bit tired again so we headed off and got a tram back to the station and headed back into Brussels. I still managed to slightly overdo it but I suppose you do a bit. I feel a lot better than I really am.
The train home was fantastic and we were home in a little under 2 hours from Brussels which is great if you think about it - I guess we were travelling for 3 hours in total from the Hotel. The tickets are valid for travel anywhere in Belgium so we reckon we could be in most of the good places in 4 hours! Incredible.
So at the moment I am sitting down, taking it easy and wondering when I can get back to some level of exercise that doesn't damage me. Tuesday is results day and with any luck I might get a 6 month reprieve from the Cystoscope machine :-)
Monday, July 26, 2010
Ran out of words
On that last blog. The flash backs were pretty painful and I'm pretty amazed I'm still here after all of that.
At the time, you really haven't had time to research properly and to sift out all the dross and nonsense and snake oil from the facts. We didn't know how bad things were at the time but they got me into Hospital in record time. As I recall I was diagnosed on the 21st (Friday) and was having the operation around 3 pm on the 25th (Tuesday). It was really hot, I remember that. I remember being absolutely terrified of what they would find in the results. Things were OK later when they let me know that they had got the tumours out etc. My journey had begun. It is a long way on since then - a return to health in many ways after a seriously low point in those early months and now I'm very much under observation and control but there has been a huge piece of the old me ripped out and lost. To balance that there is a slightly better me in certain areas and a slightly more cut throat renegade me as well.
I can't say that I am happy with those changes - they've made me a different person and not being in the greatest of health I've come to realise that I'll never be the full on person I once was. Not a bad thing either - I probably worked myself into ill heath if the truth be known and burning the candle at both ends may be exciting and rewarding but to affect my health like this was not what I had gotten in mind. Better to find out 4 years ago than later I reckon.
Brussels tomorrow - I am really looking forward to that - although it looks as if the weather has turned so no al fresco eating which would be a shame. Fingers crossed it doesn't rain too bad.
At the time, you really haven't had time to research properly and to sift out all the dross and nonsense and snake oil from the facts. We didn't know how bad things were at the time but they got me into Hospital in record time. As I recall I was diagnosed on the 21st (Friday) and was having the operation around 3 pm on the 25th (Tuesday). It was really hot, I remember that. I remember being absolutely terrified of what they would find in the results. Things were OK later when they let me know that they had got the tumours out etc. My journey had begun. It is a long way on since then - a return to health in many ways after a seriously low point in those early months and now I'm very much under observation and control but there has been a huge piece of the old me ripped out and lost. To balance that there is a slightly better me in certain areas and a slightly more cut throat renegade me as well.
I can't say that I am happy with those changes - they've made me a different person and not being in the greatest of health I've come to realise that I'll never be the full on person I once was. Not a bad thing either - I probably worked myself into ill heath if the truth be known and burning the candle at both ends may be exciting and rewarding but to affect my health like this was not what I had gotten in mind. Better to find out 4 years ago than later I reckon.
Brussels tomorrow - I am really looking forward to that - although it looks as if the weather has turned so no al fresco eating which would be a shame. Fingers crossed it doesn't rain too bad.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
4 years ago
It was this very day 4 years ago that they chopped out the tumour(s) and I started recording what things were like. First in emails and later on in this blog. A lot has happened and I'm pretty sure that it has been a healing process.
Weight
Not unexpectedly I've gone back a pound so I'm now 226 pounds. I'm still pretty tender and took a look at the exercise cross trainer and decided against it. I will have plenty of chance to exercise in Brussels - the only real way to see that wonderful city is by foot. Every turn leaves you with just another glance of this enigmatic city and you can't see that from the metro - although the tram is a bit of a gas.
I'm not too concerned with a small weight gain - in the old days it could have been worse as I hardly ever graze and snack - apart from on fruit or vegetables these days.
I still have a long way to go in the weight loss project. Considering I was at least another stone (14Lbs) lighter 4 years ago and possibly last year I was a lot nearer that mark - I still have a long way to go.
I'm not too concerned with a small weight gain - in the old days it could have been worse as I hardly ever graze and snack - apart from on fruit or vegetables these days.
I still have a long way to go in the weight loss project. Considering I was at least another stone (14Lbs) lighter 4 years ago and possibly last year I was a lot nearer that mark - I still have a long way to go.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
A Year
Since we were on our Cruise - a year!!! It doesn't seem possible that at this time last year we were in St. Petersburg.
I am looking forward to being in Brussels later this week as a tourist this time though. Even though I spent weekends there, I was still with colleagues some of that time and it isn't the same. It will be good not to have to rush to see everything and who knows I may actually get to the Atomium this time having only ever driven past it before.
I am looking forward to being in Brussels later this week as a tourist this time though. Even though I spent weekends there, I was still with colleagues some of that time and it isn't the same. It will be good not to have to rush to see everything and who knows I may actually get to the Atomium this time having only ever driven past it before.
Stop Draining MY Energy
The one thing that you really notice about surviving cancer is the lack of energy it leaves you with. I suppose Stamina is the missing bit. I can attest to this as I can suddenly just lose my energy very quickly these days and can just feel myself switch down and slow up. This is par for the course and exercise and eating properly begin to recharge your batteries.
What the title is about is this - people can rob you of your energy and it is like someone just turns you to drain. Where before I could listen to people's troubles and woes - now - I find it just drains me and I can't do more than a short time now as I just wilt and can hardly manage more than a few tens of minutes.
At some point in time maybe your energy levels returns after cancer but I haven't seen it, in fact it just seems to get worse. I think I might just tell these people to leave me alone as talking to them (no listening to them) just drains the energy out of me.
What the title is about is this - people can rob you of your energy and it is like someone just turns you to drain. Where before I could listen to people's troubles and woes - now - I find it just drains me and I can't do more than a short time now as I just wilt and can hardly manage more than a few tens of minutes.
At some point in time maybe your energy levels returns after cancer but I haven't seen it, in fact it just seems to get worse. I think I might just tell these people to leave me alone as talking to them (no listening to them) just drains the energy out of me.
Friday, July 23, 2010
I Glance at my watch
Exactly 7 days ago at this very time I was waiting to go into the Operating Theatre and everything was OK with the world. I would have gone home on the Saturday morning or perhaps the same day.
After Flocky turned up this morning I have to say I am feeling a lot better than I have done this past week and I hope that I can quickly recover my brain power which still feels affected by the Anaesthetic.
I did however have a "moment" thinking about my situation and invariably, the one thing that balances all of this is that, I'd rather be alive and have gone through all of that nonsense last week than the alterantive. I'm a lucky guy - I'm alive 4 years after being diagnosed with cancer. I'm still here and I still have my bladder etc. I can only speculate that the mauling I got this time was for a specific reason and my Consultant decided, on the spot (we hadn't discussed this before the Operation), to go for a full set of biopsies for some reason.
Knowing that invariably I am going to have some more of these operations does give me some concern but I am planning on discussing this fully and quite frankly and explaining my concern that the explanation of the procedure and the documentation they give you is nothing like what actually happens to you and that I am quite prepeared to have gone through all that nonsense if I knew it was coming. If I knew that I'd end up like that with extra tests and the other stuff - nasty though they may be - I could prepare for them and cope with them.
After Flocky turned up this morning I have to say I am feeling a lot better than I have done this past week and I hope that I can quickly recover my brain power which still feels affected by the Anaesthetic.
I did however have a "moment" thinking about my situation and invariably, the one thing that balances all of this is that, I'd rather be alive and have gone through all of that nonsense last week than the alterantive. I'm a lucky guy - I'm alive 4 years after being diagnosed with cancer. I'm still here and I still have my bladder etc. I can only speculate that the mauling I got this time was for a specific reason and my Consultant decided, on the spot (we hadn't discussed this before the Operation), to go for a full set of biopsies for some reason.
Knowing that invariably I am going to have some more of these operations does give me some concern but I am planning on discussing this fully and quite frankly and explaining my concern that the explanation of the procedure and the documentation they give you is nothing like what actually happens to you and that I am quite prepeared to have gone through all that nonsense if I knew it was coming. If I knew that I'd end up like that with extra tests and the other stuff - nasty though they may be - I could prepare for them and cope with them.
Best Medicine
I feel SO much better this morning. Amazing what a couple of beers and a nice Curry with good company can do. It was ever so reasonable too as they have a special banquet offer. Very nice food it was too.
Flocky Bicep is on his way this morning to buy me a coffee which will be good.
What is still a bit of a worry is the side effects of the General Anaesthetic this time - I am still having memory problems and cannot find the right words to complete my sentences. It is OK writing like this as I can take my time but the lads were laughing as I would be half way through explaining something and then lose a word - they were probably laughing at my getting angry with myself.
Flocky Bicep is on his way this morning to buy me a coffee which will be good.
What is still a bit of a worry is the side effects of the General Anaesthetic this time - I am still having memory problems and cannot find the right words to complete my sentences. It is OK writing like this as I can take my time but the lads were laughing as I would be half way through explaining something and then lose a word - they were probably laughing at my getting angry with myself.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Looking forward to
A pint and a curry tonight. It will be good to get out of the house and meet up with a few friends. I am looking forward to getting a bit of work in tomorrow and going away for a few days next week.
Thursday
And I am still sore - my middle, and bladder area are decidedly weak and twinge giving and it still stings a little to pee. My hand is bruised as are my legs just below the calf muscles and I'm still a little "slow" in conversation - I just cannot choose the right word in a flowing conversation which amuses others but frustrates me :-)
Another quiet day today - a little walk around the block again and I am out with a few friends tonight for a curry. I'm getting driven there and back which is a godsend - I could have got there and back by bus easily enough though - I would normally walk it but it feels out of range.
This is definitely the worst I have felt after an operation for biopsies. It isn't as bad as Scar Wars I and II but it isn't far short of them either. They did predicate a need to be inactive for some weeks due to the serious nature of the TURBT work they did. Here though, there was plenty of evidence of lots of activity. The debris and blood have stopped some days ago and now it is a matter of about another week before the scabs come off and I can feel confident of doing some serious exercise once again. Sitting around doesn't really help me feel any better but anything too energetic can set you off bleeding again so it is a balance.
Another quiet day today - a little walk around the block again and I am out with a few friends tonight for a curry. I'm getting driven there and back which is a godsend - I could have got there and back by bus easily enough though - I would normally walk it but it feels out of range.
This is definitely the worst I have felt after an operation for biopsies. It isn't as bad as Scar Wars I and II but it isn't far short of them either. They did predicate a need to be inactive for some weeks due to the serious nature of the TURBT work they did. Here though, there was plenty of evidence of lots of activity. The debris and blood have stopped some days ago and now it is a matter of about another week before the scabs come off and I can feel confident of doing some serious exercise once again. Sitting around doesn't really help me feel any better but anything too energetic can set you off bleeding again so it is a balance.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
4 years to the day
That I was diagnosed with Bladder Cancer. I remember that day. Gee the after sting of the flexible cystoscope and the matter of fact way my consultant told me I have cancer stick with me long after the event.
Appointment Through
Already - that is pretty fast - 3rd August I get to hear what the results are and what the next steps might be.
It occurs to me that this sudden need to take lots of biopsies in lots of places including the neck of the bladder (slightly below where the tumours were) might be some precursor to something. Otherwise - why do it? No good second guessing but I sure hope there was some sort of point in going through all of that nonsense last weekend.
I'm looking forward to a few days off with the family and to practice my French again. Belgian beer is pretty good too and their seafood (Moules et Frites or Fruites de Mer) well - what can I say - I'm really looking forward to that.
It occurs to me that this sudden need to take lots of biopsies in lots of places including the neck of the bladder (slightly below where the tumours were) might be some precursor to something. Otherwise - why do it? No good second guessing but I sure hope there was some sort of point in going through all of that nonsense last weekend.
I'm looking forward to a few days off with the family and to practice my French again. Belgian beer is pretty good too and their seafood (Moules et Frites or Fruites de Mer) well - what can I say - I'm really looking forward to that.
The dreams are back
Last night was like being stuck in a cinema such were the nature of the dreams I had. Amazing train sequence and one set in a warehouse and school (I know they don't make sense) but these were just amazingly clear with relatively crisp narrative and even a moral story in one of them.
Each was a waking event dream which pre-empted a visit to pass urine - all that liquid I've been drinking to irrigate my bladder has to go somewhere of course. I've missed these dreams for a while, perhaps all those films yesterday and the train could be to do with the Eurostar to Brussels - who knows?
It is another hot day today. I ought to take some fleeting steps out into the real world. Maybe I will wander around the village and see how I get on. As long as I take it easy it should be OK.
Each was a waking event dream which pre-empted a visit to pass urine - all that liquid I've been drinking to irrigate my bladder has to go somewhere of course. I've missed these dreams for a while, perhaps all those films yesterday and the train could be to do with the Eurostar to Brussels - who knows?
It is another hot day today. I ought to take some fleeting steps out into the real world. Maybe I will wander around the village and see how I get on. As long as I take it easy it should be OK.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
A lazy day
I've only done a little today and watched a few films - some of the Tour de France and written Scar Wars IX. I've also managed to book a short holiday with the whole family. Finally - and I mean that finally - after weeks maybe months the girls have managed to find a slot so we can all go away. Of course there were many caveats and ifs and buts so eventually after judging these on merit we booked a short break to Brussels. I haven't been there for about 12 years when I worked with Pfizer. Before that I did work there with AT&T and Banque Paribas and it is one of the nicest cities in Europe in terms of getting around and the multitude of things to do.
I doubt the night clubs I used to visit are still there or some of the restaurants but it will be nice to go back there and see how it has changed but I am looking forward to it. We are lucky in that there is a new International Station just 10 or so miles from us and so we can drive there, park up and catch a train to Paris or Brussels or loads of other places.
So perhaps our last holiday together. A has bought L a ticket to Edinburgh and the Festival so they'll both be out and about, plus other Festivals and trips they will not miss out by any means. L has her Provisional Driving License which is pretty amazing. The first time I went to Brussels on business she wasn't even born!
I doubt the night clubs I used to visit are still there or some of the restaurants but it will be nice to go back there and see how it has changed but I am looking forward to it. We are lucky in that there is a new International Station just 10 or so miles from us and so we can drive there, park up and catch a train to Paris or Brussels or loads of other places.
So perhaps our last holiday together. A has bought L a ticket to Edinburgh and the Festival so they'll both be out and about, plus other Festivals and trips they will not miss out by any means. L has her Provisional Driving License which is pretty amazing. The first time I went to Brussels on business she wasn't even born!
Scar War IX - A Nick in the Neck
Scar Wars IX
A nick in the neck
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away
Our hero Dave Sky-nando once again tackles Darth Urologist and her henchmen (and henchwomen)
An attack on Bl’dar with Cystoscope and Cauteriser once again threatens our hero’s sense of humour and builds further character. The battle may have been lost but is the war entering its final stages and will the evil empire be defeated? Read on…..
A nick in the neck
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away
Our hero Dave Sky-nando once again tackles Darth Urologist and her henchmen (and henchwomen)
An attack on Bl’dar with Cystoscope and Cauteriser once again threatens our hero’s sense of humour and builds further character. The battle may have been lost but is the war entering its final stages and will the evil empire be defeated? Read on…..
Things had started so well. Exercise, low blood pressure, packed and ready to go, a slow walk and get to the Hospital just after the time required meant no waiting around and straight into operating gown and curtained off area. Plugged into my MP3 player I was off and in to the zone I use to protect myself from the Evil Force of Darth Urologist. I saw the Deep Sleeper Anaesthetist and the Registrar before seeing my Consultant and chatting through the “just having a peek and a few biopsies” stuff we normally do, what to expect and as I’m an old hand at this we agreed that I knew what was going to happen and all that stuff.
I signed the consent form (I must remember to take my glasses next time) and all was fine with the world. At 1:30 the man came to collect me, I jumped on the trolley – we checked my name and birthday, he said “You’ve done this before” and he wheeled me off to the Prep room – for the first time it was the nearest Operating Theatre not the far one but they did say as it was Friday there wasn’t much on.
Prep was easy – my heart rate was high – it always is and my Blood Pressure was high but not as much as some of my previous visits and the cannula was in by 1:40 but there was no Consultant and so we waited. The Registrar said he was going to have to wait as my Consultant “Knew my bladder and what it looked like”. My Consultant arrived 30 minutes later and I was relieved to see she was all OK and that I was ready to get this sorted. I wasn’t too worried – I knew things would take their time I knew this as I had programmed myself to let them do this in their own good time and not mine. I was still pretty early into Theatre and I was in front of everyone else in the room so all appeared fine. The Anaesthetist got me to hold the Oxygen Mask on my face and blow me that’s the last thing I remember until finding myself in recovery.
I came to not knowing where I was or what had been going on. After a few seconds I clicked in where I was, where I was in the recovery room and then when I looked up to my horror I was wired up to two huge wash out bags alongside my plasma bag. I was breathing Oxygen but asked whether I was cathetered if so why? I had to wait for my Consultant to turn up and explain it to me. I wasn’t happy but then shoved up to the eyeballs with General Anaesthetic and other drugs – I doubt I was in any position to rationalise what was going on. No, I had two possible permutations. I was connected to all this gear like I was when I had my initial TURBT and my Re-TURBT (Scar Wars I & I). That could only mean one of two things – a major recurrence and therefore lots of cutting and debris to get rid of or a perforated bladder which is a risk albeit a low risk. I was hoping for the latter of course but knowing there had been a recurrence 3 months ago I feared the very worst.
My consultant came out and saw me visibly upset and explained that after she had started the procedure she had decided to take a lot more biopsies and to take some around the neck of the bladder. By doing that she would have caused trauma to that area and there was a possibility that it would restrict the flow of urine and be painful and she had therefore put in a catheter and wash through. She had also taken some samples from where she did the work last time. I forgot to ask the question but she may have said all was OK but I missed that. I was transferred to ward 8 (another first) and was hooked up to the oxygen and offered some water. I know what to do and so started drinking for England but I have to say I have never been this thirsty either, my throat was incredibly dry.
I managed to see my Consultant and ask the right question. It was amusing as she at first thought I’d forgotten what she told me in recovery. No I hadn’t I just hadn’t asked whether it was clear. The answer was pretty good I guess “whilst there were some pink areas, they appear to be from the past operation biopsies.” She went on ”The bladder looks clear and I would be surprised if the Lab reports come back with anything different.” It was then that she dropped the bombshell that I would be in until Sunday. Such were the nature of the cuts inside my bladder apparently that it meant it would have to be.
I found that they seem to allow mobile phones in the ward these days and so when Mrs. F. arrived she found my bag for me and I was able to text out to the world that I wasn’t going to be home Friday night or even Saturday but that it should be Sunday.
About this time it starts to get to the point where I lose my sense of humour. When the nurse took my blood pressure which was low for me and average for everyone else, they left my table, with water jug and glass and things on it pushed away from the bed out of reach. WHY do that – surely you must realise with all the stuff strapped to me I can barely move???? Numbnuts! I eventually see a nurse and ask whether it would be possible to assist me. They do but no apology! Attention to detail people – attention to detail – how hard can it be to work out that I can’t move? Damn, I was going to be in until Sunday and the girls and Mrs. F were doing the Race for Life run in London so how was I going to get home etc…
That night I managed to fire off some SMS messages from my phone and I settled down to some mince and mashed potato which was about all that was available. There isn’t a lot to be said for Hospital food at the best of times. The people were nice but I just seemed to feel that they weren’t paying close attention. As we shall see it comes down to you looking out for yourself.
I was particularly not looking forward to a night inside and with lights out at about 09:30 I started to listen to my MP3 player but gave up. I also hate being in Hospital as I am prone to snore if I sleep on my back and I don’t like disturbing other people. As luck would have it, I know how to sort this out by wedging myself over on my side. Easier said than done with a catheter and more piping than BP used to cap an Oil Well!! Luckily, as the nurse came down to check my urine bag he decided that the wash through bags were no longer needed and they were removed and a bung shoved into the Catheter and so I was able to turn in bed and in fact become free enough to move around. Carrying my bag I was able to have a wash and brush my teeth but how sore I was already was apparent and of course, you cannot freely move with a tube shoved up your penis and into you bladder (no DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME).
The night passed quite well – I was able to hook myself over to the left and hang with an arm on the rail and propped with a pillow so followed a night of fits and starts as the poor two chaps opposite me (Kidney Removed man and Appendix Man) had various treatments done, Morphine shots and all sorts. I was awake early and at 5:30 they came around and start the ongoing process of Blood Pressure and Temperature taking, giving out pills etc. The long Saturday had started. I got up, sat on a chair and plugged in my MP3 player and waited for breakfast at 8.
What happened next sort of started the whole thing off for me as one of the Doctors turned up to take my blood. “You must be joking I said.” “No, we need to check your white cell count”. “I’ve been in 9 times and this is the first time you have ever taken blood from me here.” I was obviously pretty put out and made it known that I was pretty pissed off. Its not as if I’m a real Jedi and needed my Midichlorians sorted out for pity sake. I find the whole thing tiresome and in normal circumstances it would not have been necessary as I wouldn’t even be there. Again, one of my problems is that it isn’t in the plan I had for how it should all go. I kind of said something along those lines that if they hadn’t carved me up so bad none of this would be necessary. Those who know me may suddenly realise that this is me at my worst – I don’t do all this fluffing about stuff and if I’m in that sort of mood you get both barrels.
As is usual, just as Breakfast starts so my Consultant shows up! Luckily she tells me to continue eating whilst she sees Kidney Removed Man and another chap out of sight of me who has some sort of blockage. Then my Consultant looks at my urine bag and says “That’s looking nice and clear”. “You really want to go home don’t you?” I guess the Doctor who was with her had explained quite how bad my reaction had already been to them wanting a blood test and she knows me and my ways “I’d like to I half pleaded.” “Well we can take the Catheter out now and see how it goes but if there is any restriction we would have to reinsert the Catheter.” Now I know what you are thinking, you’d have taken the chance but my eyes are watering just writing this and so I thought for about 2 milliseconds and replied that “I wasn’t brave enough to consider having a reinsertion (having only had treatment ones before) and that an extra day would be fine given the ‘risk’”. Also it made sense that like normal, it would be out at 5:30 the next morning and I’d be home by lunchtime. There was the little matter of an anti-biotic injection if a catheter is in for more than overnight but that was a small matter and once that was done it was just a matter of banging out 3 good samples of urine in jugs before they let you go.
Saturday was the most boring day ever – it was hot and airless and I managed to drink my way through too many jugs of water apparently. The TV requires paying for and at the cost they wanted I could have bought the TV. On and on the day went, visiting came and went and meals appeared and were eaten. A bag of sweets kept me sane and finally at about 8 pm my MP3 player decided enough was enough and stopped working. Luckily I have a back up MP3 player and spare batteries so I switched over and used that one.
Night again proved awful as it was hot and sticky. Somehow, around 2 in the morning I must have managed to go over onto my back – easy enough done with a catheter hanging out of you – it hurts like hell if you pull, push or rest on it. I was awoken by a nurse saying that I was snoring – apart from frightening the daylights out of me she asked the dumbest question of all time. Are you ready for this? She asked “Do you snore this loudly at home?” My answer? “I don’t know, I’m always asleep when I’m snoring!”
With that out of the way I managed to get sorted and spent what was left of the night in a fitful sleep making sure to lie on my side. Kidney Removed Man and Appendix Man managed to get on and off to sleep with some heavy doses of pain killers.
5:30 came and they did the usual vital measurements – again – low for me. However no catheter removal. Was it on the list? Yes it was but no one was acting on it until my Consultant came along. The Doctor came along again with her blood stuff but not for me – she probably saw the scowl I had on my face by then. Everyone else got tested though – maybe this was a new thing?
At this point in time I was a bit concerned as breakfast arrived and my Consultant hadn’t shown up. They weren’t going to remove the catheter without her and so at 9:30 I was relieved to hear her say that it all looks good that can be removed and you can go home. I remind you that this was 09:30 Sunday morning. At this point in time, I fully expected that by 10 things would start moving. I spoke to the nurse who knew nothing about it but had to find the nurse who was walking around with my Consultant. Then at 10:30 there was a break through – they agreed that my catheter can come out but they needed to make up some anti-biotic – I looked strangely at the nurse – “make it up” – “We haven’t got any it will take half an hour”. Now I looked surprised as you’d have thought that they’d have anti-biotic on a surgical ward. An hour later 11:30 or thereabouts she tells me she has got the anti biotic and turns up with a saline bag that has had the anti-biotic stuck in it. Now I often wondered why they kept cannulas stuck in your hand if they didn’t use them? She sets it up and then says – in a sort of absent minded way I forgot I need a urine sample from your catheter. OK so she does that and here’s where the trouble started I reckon. She didn’t get a clean go at it and charged the syringe number of times which really hurt my bladder and started it bleeding as the resultant blood in the syringe showed. Then she said that my cannula was gummed up and she need to clear it. So she disconnected the saline drip and shot this large syringe of cold fluid into my cannula - it felt cold and sort of made its way up my arm.
OK so I’m sitting there really pissed off now this slow drip is going to take ages, she’s hurt my bladder and I can see blood and bits coursing down the pipe to the urine bag and then I feel it. I start to feel a little nauseous and a little hot, then my breathing started to quicken and my ear drums started throbbing. Oh no, I realised exactly what was happening. My chest started to heave and I managed to get my MP3 player off and push the nurse emergency call button. I grabbed the arms of the chair and braced myself – the next thing I knew was I was coming around and mumbling and my legs and arms were thrashing about everywhere. The nurses looked pretty scared – I spoke to one of them and said I’d fainted (obviously) and they laid me on the bed, got me completely flat and this must have been around 11:45 as lunch arrived as I was lying down.
I explained that I was almost certain it was the flush of the cannula or the back pressure on my bladder. I explained that this was exactly what happened to me the first time I came in (Scar Wars I) when they tried to correct a blockage in my catheter and with a similar outcome.
You would have thought that someone would have come around to see me after 15 minutes or so wouldn’t you? No it was 30 minutes or more later that they came around and saw me – I then asked permission if I could get up and have my lunch as it was getting cold. “but its salad said the nurse” “I know” I said. So I managed to eat my lunch and then lay back until gone 1 pm when the drip finally finished. The Doctor wanted to keep me in and in no uncertain terms I explained to my nurse why she wasn’t going to keep me in and exactly why. This seemed to work and finally at 1:30 the catheter came out. Could I have the cannula out? No apparently not. I went for a shower and then of course had to do the obligatory 3 pees in a jug. I managed those at 2:10, 2:30 & 2:55 at 3:15 they finally came and ultrasound scanned me and I was free to go at 3:20 at 3:30 I arrived home.
Nine times in the past four years I’ve had operations, seven of them have been rigid cystoscopies and like travelling in parallel universes there is not one that has been the same as another – not one! What is that all about? Somehow I would have thought that there would be some sort of commonality as suggested in all the literature you ever get from the Hospital before you go in – but as in the Corporate World that’s just the advert – the real thing is often a lot different to how you expected it to be. Let that be a lesson to us all.
Swelling
Yes - marked swelling where my bladder is - and sore too. Not pleasant but bearable and I have to temper everything with the knowledge that if I had the offer of those three days versus a clean bill of health then I would have taken that so I can only be grateful that it is my health and not them having found a cancerous growth or some other thing to worry about.
As always - I need to work out some way of not losing my equilibrium when it doesn't go the way I thought it should go. I had even planned for the unexpected and the possibility that there may be another tumour - oh well - I think that I need to try once again to work on a way of letting these things happen without me getting myself all in a twist.
The trouble is being a control freak doesn't help. Being out of control doesn't do a dyed in the wool Programme Manager any good whatsoever.
As always - I need to work out some way of not losing my equilibrium when it doesn't go the way I thought it should go. I had even planned for the unexpected and the possibility that there may be another tumour - oh well - I think that I need to try once again to work on a way of letting these things happen without me getting myself all in a twist.
The trouble is being a control freak doesn't help. Being out of control doesn't do a dyed in the wool Programme Manager any good whatsoever.
Weight
Well I weigh this morning - before breakfast and after perhaps draining myself with the three or four trips to the bathroom last night - an amazing 16 Stone and 1 lb. That's 225 pounds.
I ate very little in Hospital and in fact even yesterday I only really had soup and fruit with Spaghetti Bolognese last night. The portions I eat are much smaller I notice and I no longer snack - well that's not true - I snack on fruit and celery sticks if at all.
Crickey - 225 is pretty good - my waist isn't good at the moment as I'm sure it is swollen from the beating it has just taken under the cystoscope and cauteriser thing.
I doubt I can keep this sort of loss up although I'm still 14 pounds or so heavier than I was 4 years ago so it must be possible and I'm still 2" around my waist and 1" around my neck larger than this time last year - none of my shirts bought for the cruise fit me at the moment so I'm probably getting back towards where I should be. When I was a young guy I was just 11 1/2 Stone but amazingly fit and that was when I was working on site and leaping around scaffolding and doing all that manual labour an electrician does. I've filled out a bit since then :-) obviously :-)
Good thing I wasn't in Hospital longer or I'd be my target weight in no time!!
I ate very little in Hospital and in fact even yesterday I only really had soup and fruit with Spaghetti Bolognese last night. The portions I eat are much smaller I notice and I no longer snack - well that's not true - I snack on fruit and celery sticks if at all.
Crickey - 225 is pretty good - my waist isn't good at the moment as I'm sure it is swollen from the beating it has just taken under the cystoscope and cauteriser thing.
I doubt I can keep this sort of loss up although I'm still 14 pounds or so heavier than I was 4 years ago so it must be possible and I'm still 2" around my waist and 1" around my neck larger than this time last year - none of my shirts bought for the cruise fit me at the moment so I'm probably getting back towards where I should be. When I was a young guy I was just 11 1/2 Stone but amazingly fit and that was when I was working on site and leaping around scaffolding and doing all that manual labour an electrician does. I've filled out a bit since then :-) obviously :-)
Good thing I wasn't in Hospital longer or I'd be my target weight in no time!!
Up Early
Surprised me but I am up at just gone 5 this morning. No idea why although I did go to bed early yesterday and Hospital means you are normally lights out around 9:30 or so. I feel quite well and generally my skin is now returned to warm from clammy.
I'm probably as beaten up as I was the very first time I went in and had the TURBT. I'm not as weak and in generally as bad a way as I was then but I was also dealing with the diagnosis and in some respects the shock of it all. I also firmly believe I had been ill for some time and that finding out it was cancer can going through such a traumatic experience over what seemed like an age (but was less than 4 weeks total) was a major event.
Talking of major events, Mrs. F, A & L took part in Race For Life on Sunday - they went to the big one at Hyde Park in London meaning that I had to have alternative means of transport home on Sunday. I probably don't want to think too deeply about why they and all their friends do it but they had a lovely time all dressed in pink and I've yet to see their photos. I'm sort of humbled that they'd take part.
Today is another rest day for me. I intend to take it relatively easy and maybe work up some ideas for Scar Wars IX. I can still feel stinging in my urine which means there is blood present although I can't see it at the moment. I must weigh myself and publish that for Steve too.
I'm probably as beaten up as I was the very first time I went in and had the TURBT. I'm not as weak and in generally as bad a way as I was then but I was also dealing with the diagnosis and in some respects the shock of it all. I also firmly believe I had been ill for some time and that finding out it was cancer can going through such a traumatic experience over what seemed like an age (but was less than 4 weeks total) was a major event.
Talking of major events, Mrs. F, A & L took part in Race For Life on Sunday - they went to the big one at Hyde Park in London meaning that I had to have alternative means of transport home on Sunday. I probably don't want to think too deeply about why they and all their friends do it but they had a lovely time all dressed in pink and I've yet to see their photos. I'm sort of humbled that they'd take part.
Today is another rest day for me. I intend to take it relatively easy and maybe work up some ideas for Scar Wars IX. I can still feel stinging in my urine which means there is blood present although I can't see it at the moment. I must weigh myself and publish that for Steve too.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Yuk, yuk and double yuk
She wasn't kidding when she told me that there'd be a lot of debris and blood as she had taken loads of samples. Today was gross out day and detritus was a constant stream in my many, many trips to the toilet. I'm an old hand at this - you drink constantly up to 5 pints of water a day - I reckon I've done more than that to get a 15 to 20 minute frequency going. The more you pee the quicker you get the healing process going and the less painful it gets.
Pain was the least of my worries the gross out bit never fails to make you cringe. Lots of large bits were falling out but have now stopped.
I'm feeling a little better yet still slightly angry at the 3 day sojourn rather than the in and out.
Off to bed now and feeling quite good after a shower and a shave. Tomorrow I hope to spend a little more time up and about - I lazed around and watched DVDs, Avatar, Kill Bill Vol 1, Catch me if you can and Papillon - all of which were good value I felt. The last one was a bit like the Hospital - especially the food :-)
Pain was the least of my worries the gross out bit never fails to make you cringe. Lots of large bits were falling out but have now stopped.
I'm feeling a little better yet still slightly angry at the 3 day sojourn rather than the in and out.
Off to bed now and feeling quite good after a shower and a shave. Tomorrow I hope to spend a little more time up and about - I lazed around and watched DVDs, Avatar, Kill Bill Vol 1, Catch me if you can and Papillon - all of which were good value I felt. The last one was a bit like the Hospital - especially the food :-)
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