People!

Sometimes you could just turn into a Psychopath and take them out couldn't you? :-) Well, maybe that is a bit extreme! I like a conversation with one of my friends who tells me how "tough" I am - mentally and physically - in terms of the jobs I've done but also to "have sent cancer packing".

Well, I don't look at it like that because in reality I live with the fear of it coming back - every day I live with the slight hesitation when I urinate that there will be the tell-tale signs of it having returned and the longer between examinations all play on my mind. I bet any cancer survivor will tell you that and it's part of the territory I am certain.

People are cruel though I find. I was reminded of my experiences last week relating to a friend some of my experiences when delivering a high profile, high stress project when all those around me were doing (in my own company) was adding to the pressure and not actually pulling together as a team. The amazing thing was that I (and my team) was the only person actually delivering anything and the remaining team blamed me for causing the frictions - when in fact they were the ones all sitting around with their thumbs up their arses! As it happened, it didn't matter, the customer got what he wanted and was delighted so all the crap I took internally was for their own sport and entertainment.

I was having a moan about how people, who have no experience whatsoever in doing what I'm doing at the moment - building a business, producing investment documents etc are suddenly world renowned sodding experts. Someone asked me how many pages there are in the business plan so I told them - they sucked in a deep draught of air and said that's far too many. How on earth can anyone say that? DO they know what the business plan is, the number of product lines, the associated costs and so on? Of course they don't, have they ever done one themselves? No - I don't know many people that have (successfully) done so. In fact none of them run their own businesses or have investors in their businesses. They all happen to be experts - I suppose they've watched Dragon's Den and know exactly what it is all about. What I hate the most is the total disrespect that is paid by this sort of behaviour. I've been working full-time on this for 18 months and part-time for longer and so you'd have thought I might actually know what I'm talking about? Additionally I've been doing this unpaid, using my personal savings to fund it. And still they ask whether I've thought it through, whether I really think there is a market, whether I've written too many sheets of bloody paper - who are these people!

So, to then get a shitty shot across the bow from my Brother and Sister-in-law on Saturday made for some interesting conversation in the car on the way from my parents to Cambridge - only an hours journey. Mrs. F. and A are very good, they know that I get bent out of shape by these people and I don't hold back - telephone salesmen, door-to-door salesman - if they dare defy my no callers note and jobsworths all get very short thrift from me. I don't go round bad mouthing people or telling them that their ideas stink or that they've written too many pages or that it's very difficult if you haven't got an "elevator pitch" or any one of these things they've seen on TV or read in a book.

As you may have guessed by now this is a FLAME ON VENT ON LINE :-)

Of course - I won't go and dig out my brother as apparently I am meant to get on with him and be nice to him, his wife and his children who also annoy the hell out of me too so I feel it is a doomed to failure venture. Try as I might, I find that they just have a perverse view of the world and somehow, escaping to the country for that side of life (I'm guessing that's what they all moved there for and for the equity difference allowing them to live extremely well on the money they made on their house price differences) appears to have passed them by especially as travelling back to London to work must defeat the whole point of moving to the middle of nowhere? Maybe it is me then!

Yes - I find it all annoying as I've only recently convinced myself that I shouldn't be beating myself up for not being there. I can imagine that my brother is getting it in the ear from his other half "Well they aren't coming up and doing their share!" "We are always looking after your parents" "They hardly ever come up here and see us".

The trouble is I have the answers to all of this and I know that if I were to really stick it into them and tell them straight out what an upset that would be - these aren't people you can rationalise or apply logic to a well structured argument - that wouldn't be fair - they lack the intellect or the ability to understand it and detect my flat unemotional delivery as a threat or aloofness. History (and we have a bit of that) would tend to point to a total denial of the facts and as there is only one point of view (theirs) then you'll never win an argument, get a point across or make an alternative view be aired, explored and taken.

It just makes me angry that there is this nonsense going on in the background and it's all so unnecessary I find and isn't getting anyone anywhere but then I've never really got on with them and so I shouldn't be surprised I suppose.

Well - going around in circles now as it just makes me angry and if anything it has helped get over some of the guilt stuff now as I can see that whatever I do I'll be found wanting and I'm never going to be able to fulfil their expectations of me driving a couple of hundred miles a day to assist them. I thought it was quite amusing that when I offered help it was "no it's OK we are here and we will do it" to the complete opposite this time although that wasn't said in so many words.

Weekend mixed

I had a terrible back ache - probably reverting back to this old office chair (now changed) and a new working position. We had a very good journey up but it was cold and I managed to drive but certainly didn't feel great by the time we arrived at my parents via a number of stops so A could use her Large Format Camera (the sort you see with people under sheets focussing) it's a massive thing to lug around but she took that, her medium format and 35 mm and digital cameras, tripod and just about everything else - the photographs are however fantastic with this big camera - depth of field or some such I believe.

Arriving at my parents we found dad not feeling too well and staying in bed - he was obviously not happy about that but we made reassuring noises and spent a lot of time with mum interspersed with short 3 to 5 minutes with dad. My brother and sister in law turned up - they unfortunately aren't like me and are quite vocal and mouthy "what are you doing loafing in bed" and that sort of gobby shite that I find is meant to be comedic and uplifting but is trite and unhelpful (if you ask me). I do find the way they treat my parents a little - well - disrespectful and the word I am looking for is whining and patronising.

It didn't stop there - oh no - once more it was rubbed in that I hadn't been there during all this recent trauma. My poor brother (a misconstrued phrase if ever there was one - form the guy who took a pay drop the size of my entire year's salary two years ago!). He has to get up at 4 in the morning to go to work - well he does work 15 miles from me and moved all the way up there and works all the way down here - you'd have thought he could have got a local job really - not that he does 5 days there he only does 3. But no - then we hear how it is like clockwork, get up, do this, pick your mum up, drive her to the Hospital and all that old crud, no time when we get home, straight to bed then repeat it all - "just like Ground-hog Day" they said.

I'm a very patient sort of person and didn't even rise to it this time. Not with my mum in earshot or my dad for that matter. I did check back the usual - well it's a shame that in the past 5 years you never even thought of paying me a visit when I was ill, I used to come and visit them and often they'd just blank me and not meet me even though they knew I was staying at my parents.

It was a shame dad wasn't up to it on Saturday - he obviously wanted to be at least I told him that he looked a hell of a lot better than when I last saw him and he has put on some weight and although he was looking pale he does look and sound so much better.

Today I've heard that he is 100 times better and actually had a little walk in the garden which I hope has lifted his spirits a bit - he loves his garden.

We went on to stay at a very nice Hotel in Cambridge and go out with A & L and L's boyfriend - we took them for a curry and then left them for a "young person's night out" in Cambridge whilst we headed off to the Hotel via a pub and enjoyed a luxury 4 star Hotel break :-) The room was very nice and a little decadent for us :-) It was on special offer and we declined the breakfast but drove into Cambridge to have breakfast and lunch with the girls. My back started really giving me jip a little later so we came home a little earlier than planned - I think it was the cold more than anything else as it is quite good now!

Anyway, it was nice to go up and see the folks, see dad and also to see L - what a wonderful opportunity she has being a student in Cambridge - it is a lovely little city and lots going on. We went to some places she hadn't been to - a warning that she only has 3 years there and should immerse herself in the whole atmosphere - for me - that would really make it. That's me though! I am slightly disappointed in my brother and sister in law though and it was interesting that my mum made reference to expressing her annoyance of being "told what to do". I second that :-)

Weekend

Well off in a few hours to go and see my dad and my mum of course and see how things are. He is impatient and was having a mini moan earlier but as he was reminded it is only 2 weeks ago he had a massive operation and so he just needs to take it easy and recover as nature will allow him to.

It will be good to see him as the last time I saw him he was recovering from being ill in Hospital for about the 3rd or 4th time and that was only 3 or 4 weeks ago - it feels like an age to me.

Hope that all will be good for our visit - we wont stay long enough to tire him and we can get back down to see L later in the day.

And then it struck me

That watching my dad going through all these trials and tribulations of his own cancer battle is like looking in on myself and reliving my journey of 5 1/2 years ago and also living the bit where it may have gone all wrong for me. So in a way watching my dad going through his particular trauma and journey mirrors my own journey. It is the worst voyeurism possible.

Going up to see Dad

This weekend which we have managed to organise. L in Cambridge wanted us to come and see her and it is half way there so we decided that as she is busy Saturday we will go up to see dad, stopping so A can use her full format camera - the ones you see on old fashioned photographer pictures with the cloth over the back etc. We need to be in attendance with hi-vis jackets as she will be taking photos on the side of the road. Then we will see mum and dad for lunch and an hour or two - and leave when he gets tired or wants us gone.

We then head off to our Hotel in Cambridge - quite pleased with that - we got a late deal and have ended up in a 4 star hotel near the centre which is great. 20 minutes walk from L's halls so A can stay with her and Mrs. F. and I can stay in luxury :-) Hopefully we can have a nice meal out on Saturday night and then have some time in Cambridge which is a lovely City.

Work picked up a little but tonight as I have a few bits to sort out for tomorrow and then I go into London to see an old friend and see if I am going to set up another business with my friend to do some software development work. All good fun.

Happy Thanksgiving to all our American Cousins :-)

Some good and some bad information

From the BBC today about Cancer and survival rates.

Interesting increases in Bladder Cancer survival rates - however Pancreatic, which my father has, is going the wrong way altogether.

Dad's Home

Thanks goodness for that, they took out the drain and the staples and he is home - has had tea and I hope will be spending a relaxing time in bed without the noise and clatter of a Hospital ward. He appears to have had a triple bypass as well as having his gall bladder removed. It was a serious and yet palliative operation. Crickey - it was some operation if you think about it - I will try and find out more.

If he is up for us visiting we will try and get there at the weekend. Fingers crossed we can find a suitable Hotel....

Learning to relax

It has come as somewhat of a shock to my business partner and I that suddenly we aren't working flat out every hour to feed our project and that we've finished it, ticked all the boxes in the plan we set ourselves and now have to wait to get to meet people and that this happens at their speed not ours. By now I thought we would have a few meetings set up and be talking to people. Well we are talking to people of course but no meetings as we have decided to take a slightly different approach.

So it means relaxing, slowing right down, getting a bit of time to ourselves and chilling out. We are both suffering what is almost post traumatic stress syndrome the way we were last week and over the weekend. I want things to happen NOW :-) of course they wont happen now and are unlikely to either. It is frustration un-vented and so we talked about it this morning and decided that the best thing to do was pack all our work away, file the documents, throw out (shred) any odd papers and tidy up our offices - that way we will have put it away and will have clear decks to do something else whatever that may be.

Interestingly I noticed that I was really frustrated last week at the lack of progress and have had terrible night's sleep too but I can bring this down to other things too. For example, I now have more time to think about my dad's situation and to let other things in that I've held at arms length this year. I can only imagine that this will be a problem for a few more days as I come to terms with not working at my PC all day long - I should take the time off for myself I think.

Maybe home tomorrow

That will be nice although dad is a bit worried about getting in and out of bed and the pain - which is pretty bad from the sounds of it. Let's see what remedy they come up with tomorrow.

I had a lazy day watched a film or two and generally chilled out trying to get used to a bit of "me" time and to also deal with a little bit of the dreaded "D" at the moment. It's not full "Black Dog" stuff but just catches me unawares sometimes - I find myself having the most awful thoughts and hearing the stuff my dad has had done I am reminded of my own operations and treatments which were no walk in the park but it just reminded me of quite how much I hated my time in Hospital and the treatment that went along with my illness.

I am reminded too that I should be having a scope soon - I haven't received the letter yet but normally I get two weeks notice and it is due before Christmas - so I should hear soon.

Other than that I am concious of how withdrawn I've been of late and just hope that I can snap myself out of it pretty soon. I'll soon be moaning about how much work I've got on perhaps I ought to enjoy this short break a bit more.

Dealing with guilt etc

Was an interesting article HERE. This reminds me of some of the situation I feel I'm in and yet I've been reassured that I really shouldn't be thinking this way at all. In some ways dealing with your parents can be a difficult thing and whilst the article isn't exactly about what is going on it does touch on some of the strong feelings I have about not being there whilst my dad goes through this series of hospitalisations and takes the journey towards the end of his life. I'm nowhere near where they live but my brother is 5 minutes away. It's their choice all of them to live in the middle of nowhere and that's fine by me. I moan about it as we have to go and see them - they don't come and see us and so it's been a little one sided in the past 10 years or so since they moved away.

So guilt - interesting isn't it? I made do with a one or two phone calls a week - mainly to my mum and one or two visits a year to make sure that their grandchildren were available. In recent years it HAS been difficult - I think dad's had something happening to him for at least 18 months if not 2 years - if you look back at this blog you may see the disappointment I felt after having made the effort to go I found that I was almost blanked and barely spoken to at all - I'm certain that this was the disease already starting as he hasn't been like that in the last two visits since he has been ill.

The other thing is that it is very difficult to tell your parents what to do and there's the other thing that the relationships don'work very well under the stress and the obvious but not spoken elephant in the room - that is dad is going to die of this and it could be very sudden and quite soon - they said 6 months which is January or February of next year but they couldn't be sure. They aren't going to give him Radio or Chemo as he won't get any benefit and yet he has had a massive operation that hopefully has bought him some more time but more especially a greater quality of remaining life. Operating under this pressure and being this close is bound to grate and generate some mixed feelings. I'm sure that I'll be looked on as not doing my bit although quite what anyone could reasonably expect me to do is another thing. What if they were in a different country or half way around the world - it wouldn't be possible. As it is I can get to Paris or Brussels quicker than getting to my parents!

So I'm feeling a little less guilty at the moment - sure I'd "like" to be up there assisting but as my uncle reminded me I have other commitments here, a family and a business that's at a very delicate stage in its existence. There's never a right time and I just need to balance it out a bit - I suppose I'm always going to feel a bit guilty. I don't react as emotionally as my brother and I'm not there all the time like he is. That's the cards that are dealt, I didn't deal them and to paraphrase the Good Will Hunting bit "It isn't my fault"

So I'll leave you with this:

Strange Day

My dad continues to get better and may be allowed home early next week which I am sure will make him feel much, much better.

As for me my tooth episode continues albeit it is a lot better today after drugging myself up to the eyeballs. I realised today that I've got some leisure time coming and taking my foot off the gas work wise has exposed me to being able to think a bit more. I find myself very down at the moment - I've been like this for a while but getting tearful watching Les Miserables was a little bit odd I thought and I wonder whether that's letting stuff in at the moment that I managed to block out - Dad dying slowly of cancer - me surviving and not being able to do anything about - being helpless, being human, being angry and useless. Work has kept me busy for 18 months and today I found plenty of work stuff to do but it wasn't work it was me trying to keep occupied and then realising that it will be what it will be, it will take its time and cannot be rushed.

Its time I had some time to myself and did something for myself but I realise quite how raw I am at the moment - sure it must be my dad's situation that is making me feel like this (and my mum of course - she is also taking a battering during this time). Perhaps today I finally admitted to myself about what is coming and some of the brave face stoicism has worn away and at last I'm thinking about life without him. I do hope that all this effort in the hospital has bought him some time and that he'll be able to have some sort of comfortable time now.

As for me - I know these signs and I have friends who I can turn to if I need it, I also need to get to bed as it is 1 in the morning! Doh!

Ouch

Whatever I did to my tooth (the one I had root canal on a year ago) hurt like hell tonight, gave me a headache and numbed the side of my face. I think I must have bitten down on something hard that didn't give - OUCH!!!! So had some tablets and had a sleep for about an hour in my layback chair and I feel a bit better - just about to do a round of pills again to see if I can get sleep on that overnight.

My last post was pretty much where my head is at at the moment - not sure why that should be but perhaps as I've now gone from working flat out for 18 months to not doing anything but waiting for the phone to go, I've too much time on my hands to think.

Interestingly enough I have another business venture that a friend and I will start soon that I can get my teeth into during the intervening moments. That maybe will help me occupy my time. And time is getting short now as Dad will probably come out of Hospital next week and I'd like to go and see him and suddenly I find that my diary is booked on a number of key weekends leading up to Christmas - I will however sort something out on that as I'd like to get up there at least once if not twice to see him and my mum of course.

I find it quite difficult being miles away but perhaps I can get along to see them in the next few weeks and show my face. My brother and sister in law have had the burden of taking mum to and from the Hospital all the time (mum no longer drives) and also coping with my dad - who hasn't been the easiest of patients although he has, so my brother says, been extremely brave and stood up to this operation extremely well.

The cynic in me then says that no one ever saw me after my operations or treatments except Mrs. F. As you can tell I'm having a bit of a problem balancing this out and fight the guilt of not going up there with something else to control it. That probably isn't healthy but it's what I think sometimes. Of course the only person who expects me to go up to see my dad is me so all I'm doing is beating myself up over it and the problem is always going to be there so I just have to live with it.

Ho hum - the human brain - it can be a real bully sometimes and it's all fighting away inside there :-)

Guilt

It is amazing how you can beat yourself up for so many things:

• Being there too much
• Not being there often enough
• Overreacting
• Under-reacting

We all feel guilty - we all do but I don't actually feel robbed that my parents or my close family never came to see me when I was ill - I feel angry about it but actually having them fuss around me would not have been productive. I may have my "moments" with Mrs. F. but she's been a brick all the time I've been ill and I'd rather have her around than anyone fussing about around me. I'm like my dad so I guess he doesn't want it either.

I'm going to feel bad whatever happens - maybe I can be the bad boy and everyone can blame me and have a go at me when he dies? It is a terrible time at the moment, we aren't good at this dying malarkey at all us humans...

So what is happening?

I wish I knew - and I bet my brother and mum also wished they knew - 4 days since the operation and we don't know what they did to dad. Let's not blame the people but let's blame "the system" that allows that sort of lack of communication to exist. I'm surprised my brother has let it get that far really.

As for me - well I "used" my friends tonight to reassure me that I wasn't being too bad a son as not to be up there suffering the day to day travel, sit by bed, go home existence that my mum, brother and sister in law are doing. Sure I went up to see them and stayed in a Hotel for the privilege and hardly really saw anything of my dad if I'm honest about it (although being there was a good thing and yes I acknowledge that it was so). However at a cost having to stay in a Hotel and all that good stuff too. And again not that you'd begrudge that for your parents either despite your brother having a spare room of course :-)

I don't know I'm confused and somewhat annoyed by the whole thing. I'm not going to Scotland this year - much as I'd love to - much as I'm being asked to go. Shame but in my eyes, my dad will be out of Hospital by the end of the month and I'll try and get myself up there for him coming out and spend some time with him.

My 3 school chums all lost their fathers. One earlier this year, one 18 months ago and the other just when I was diagnosed 5 1/2 years ago so they have their own views. Spending time with your dad before he dies - well sure of course, will I regret not doing that? Should I spend much more time there now that he is dying than I have for the past 30+ years that I haven't lived there? You see - it's not been a bad relationship at all. He and I are always pleased to see each other but he is so similar to me in so many ways. We are pragmatic, self reliant people. His duty to me finished when I was a young guy but he helped me when I needed assistance when I was first starting out - decorating the house, tidying the garden and he was involved in all that but he was a great granddad to the children he did all the right things (whether he needed or wanted to or not). They think the world of him but like me, there is no ownership of my children and he doesn't own me or owe me anything and he doesn't expect me to owe him anything other than those things he deserves - respect being the main thing in my mind.

What I'm saying may be completely against many people's experience and belief but we have never been a "close" family - that's my particular relationship. I get on fine with my Mum - always have done and I get on fine with my dad but in a totally different way....... That is that - that's how it has always been - my dad has ruled his roost and the upshot of that is that I'm not close to him in the way that I imagine a lot of people would be. My friend would go to lunch with his dad every week and of course when his dad died suddenly (in my view the best way to go BTW) it was a terrible blow to him. I speak to my dad once a month maybe and see him twice a year if I'm lucky so the relationship is very different. I have no doubt that I will feel differently when this episode plays out and I have no doubt that it will strain family relationships because I'm not up there whilst my mum and my brother and sister in law cover off these extended periods in hospital for my dad but - just what DO they want from me? I tried to explain to my brother - who reminded me he took a pay cut bigger than my whole year's salary 2 years ago what it means for me to have 2 children at University and for 18 months for me not to be earning anything and then to have to stay in a Hotel whilst I'm up with the family.

I'm afraid that only I see the irony in it all. I find that I beat myself up for not being there for everyone (OK I call everyday and do all those good things). I argue with myself that I can't possibly move up there whilst all this is happening and that no one, not one of them, came to see me in 5 - yes FIVE - years I was ill. Not even once did they come down to see me. Now I'm only saying that because I don't think I'm being hard or "paying them back" - in fact I've been up there twice now and A has also been to see them - to me though it's just a matter of what CAN I do? What difference will I make? Along with many of these questions and actions - it just doesn't make sense for me to be there just sitting at the old man's bedside at this particular point - I didn't expect it of him or my mum or my brother - I certainly hope they don't expect it of me?

Anyway, my guilt is going around in circles and it probably will for the rest of my life. Whatever I do won;t be enough it will be too much or too little and that's the problem.

Blur of a weekend

Dad go through his operation and he was down a long time so it was quite some procedure. He's connected to lots of stuff and catheterised which I know all about - he's got back to planet earth after being drilled full of drugs for pain and goodness knows what else. He's hopefully going back into a ward (coming out of HDU - Intensive Care) later today.

It's been a emotional weekend. I find Remembrance Sunday very moving and a very sad and yet uplifting thing too. It's one of those times when you should reflect on the sacrifice that built this land (and many others).

I realise that I'm doing a fair amount of straight talking and must remember that it isn't to everyone's taste or their own way of dealing with things. So I perhaps need to tone down the way that I speak about my dad's illness mainly.

In all the excitement - I need to also be mindful of a major milestone in completing out project so far and being ready to go to investors. That will be an interesting journey. I ought to spend the short hiatus in proceedings and tidy the place up and sort myself out. It could be some time before we get some interest and some time before we will be in a position to move forward. However, we don't give ourselves much credit - certainly we deserve some. I find it most amusing that those who haven't actually taken a business to market can mysteriously come up with a load of old regurgitated stuff about what you should and shouldn't do or presuppose that I haven't done my homework or that I'm some sort of numpty that doesn't actually know how these things work. PRATTS the lot of them, I don't know one of them who has setup and successfully launched their own business. Everyone's a sodding expert aren't they? :-)

8 hours to go and

Dad goes down for his Operation. He is expected to be 1.5 to 2 hours dependent on what they find and realises that the next 4 days are going to be "not nice" but there you go - perhaps with this it will enable him to have sufficient quality of life for however long he will have. I guess once they open him up they will also be able to see how far things have spread and be able to update on that.

Mum and T are going in early to be with him as he goes down to Theatre - I know what that is like, I prefer to go on my own although the first time Mrs. F. was there for me as I was pretty much carved up by it all. They've given dad some sedatives so he is as calm as you can be given the circumstances.

Tomorrow is the 11th November and I'm guessing he will come out of surgery as we mark 2 minutes silence. Let's hope that things go well for him. It's been a complicated road so far and I do hope that they can give him or buy him that little extra time but more importantly to make him as well as he can be.

Quiet day

Wow - so this is what it is like to slow down. I populated the CRM (Customer Relationship Management) system with all the names and firms we are going to approach and added biographies and information about them into it. This took much of the day then at 7pm we had a team conference call :-) Having said that, the pressure was actually off a bit as we won't have the starting gun go off until Friday morning when we speak to one of our lawyers about strategy. Once that is over we can rock 'n' roll :-)

It has been nice to look back at what we have achieved though and to take a little breather and now get ready to move on. That's the real challenge, some may have thought the hard work has all been done - well it has in terms of research and planning. Executing those plans will be the really challenging bit.

In other news, the blog I've been keeping an eye on for years has gone a bit strange of late and now you can only go see what is happening by appointment which is a bit disappointing. Well, no problemo, I've just taken it off of my viewing list and off my favourites. I suppose I ought to consider how much I post to this blog as there isn't much to say between reviews and now I'm on a 6 monthly (due sometime in December) observations things have settled down a bit. I've to sort myself out in the next few weeks anyway into a new set of habits as I have now almost got over my back twinges and should get back to exercising again to lose some of the weight I've put on. It's been a real struggle to lose weight without exercising - I've lost a few pounds but without doing some exercise I doubt it will go on its own.

My Dad continues to do well in hospital - bored stupid of course as he is pretty well but they operate on Friday and let's hope they can sort this out for him. I'm hopeful that they can at least give him some quality time in the coming months although this operation is (or could be) quite a serious thing. If it works it means that he should be able to eat a bit better and also for the bile duct to be diverted so that he may be able to stay jaundice free. He's eating well enough and so there's some hope that he will hold on for a little longer. After Christmas would be better - I've had a number of December funerals in the past and it over shadows what amounts to the only real family time many of us get in these days.

Investor Ready Day

Didn't go off without a hitch. I feel quite low in fact as my business partner has been laid low with a rotten cold and we were due out to a concert to see a band called Blackfoot - a really good old Rock 'N' Roll band from Florida (I think) certainly the southern states of America. It was a sort of reward for the work we have put in during the past 18 months. He couldn't make it and so in a way it wasn't the end of term party we wanted. It was a good night but I couldn't enjoy it without him and it was hot, stuffy and crowded which didn't help me much I have to say so I let my friends go to the front whilst I hung back.

The band were very good and I enjoyed myself but it was tinged with a certain sadness really that we hadn't celebrated the end of this piece of work. Mind you, at 5 pm I found a problem with the document at the very last minute requiring me to make an 11th hour change. We made the change and everything is now done. we have finished our work. The amazing stats are:

The initial work comprised 909 days at a cost of £526,785 and the work my partner and I have done comprises 760 days at a cost of £470,046. That was a bit of a shock I have to say :-)

We are now at a new stage and looking for finance (at last). If we get that - the hard work will only just have begun!

Actually went out for a day

On Sunday - I actually went out for the day - it was a Christmas present for the guys from the girls in the "holiday gang" as we are collectively known. These are friends we got to know whilst the children were growing up and a nice bunch. We went to Chapel Down Winery and then for Sunday Lunch in the Peacock Inn near Cranbrook. A nice few pints added to the wine tasting meant a nice snooze at around tea time :-)

My Dad continues to be watched over in Hospital - didn't have the heart to tell them that an acquaintance of mine died on Saturday of Prostate Cancer that had gotten into his bones. He was talking to a friend of mine only a week or so ago that the radio therapy had failed and he was going into a Hospice. A sad state of affairs. My dad is beginning to get quite "would up" about the operation coming up this Friday (as is my brother who keeps posting moronic shit on Facebook to prove it). Different people deal with things differently - that's not to say that I'm not affected of course I am. However, my father is a very private man and posting stuff on Facebook (of all places) would be the last thing he would want and I at least try to respect his privacy and his wishes.

At the end of the day it isn't my wish for him to die but that's what is happening and it can only happen in the way it be and being a pratt in public isn't helping much. Posting it up on Facebook - you might as well have it splashed on a Red Top newspaper FFS. Of course, this blog is doing something similar perhaps :-) So I may be a little hypocritical there.

Milestone 1

That's the first management meeting out of the way. Next to go get some capital and that was fun trying to work out a strategy to do that! Things now start to get real and have a meaning.

Of course in the interim my dad ended up back in hospital yesterday and I also handed over to my successor in London Lunchtimers. So yesterday was full on and I didn't feel particularly great I was suffering with stomach pains - possibly a little stress but that would be unlike me - but you never know.

I still haven't gotten over how downright rude and disrespectful people are. What right people have to pre-judge what you are doing and tell you how to do it properly is beyond me. I'll happily accept constructive criticism but to lecture me on something I've been doing for some years and that I've worked on full time for 18 months is a bit rich as he neither saw the plans or listened long enough to entirely get it.

Suddenly everyone's a bloody expert and that's where I'm hoping we will find that there will be a difference. We are looking for people to work with us not to ball us out or give us grief - nothing is going to get done like that is it?

Anger Management

Well I had a disturbed night and luckily my business partner was all ears to me this morning whilst I F'd this and B'd that and let off steam about these people who haven't actually done much in their lives telling me how I should do this and that. FFS I've just dedicated 18 months of my life and my life savings to this venture do you think, do you really really think that I hadn't thought this through. These guys used to service my need for resources when I was running multi million global projects in Banks and they think that they know more than me??? This without ever seeing the idea, seeing the figures, the research and all the other stuff we've been through. If I'd been sat on my arse for 18 months doing nothing I could perhaps understand the attack I came under but these people (not just the guy last night) must think I'm some sort of thicko or I'm doing this an hour a night or something. What a bunch of utter low lifes up their own arse cocks they are :-)

That felt a lot better. :-)

I just find these people have no firm footing in the reality of the situation. If I was raising a couple of tens of thousands maybe but I'm raising (or want to) tens of millions. I know what I need the money for and how we will spend it and what value we will build with that money. These jerks think that somehow I've got to "sell it" and "Pitch" for it. With a 150 page business plan, 6 page summary and 12 slide overview - I'd have to ask whether or not any of them actually understood the complexity of the business or the reliance on multiple revenue and cost streams and variables that meant we spent months and months developing a multi dimensional model.

The sad part of all of this is that TV has dumbed down VC money (Dragon's Den) a more worthless waste of video tape I've yet to see. Anyone who's seen it is suddenly an expert, a sophisticated investor who knows that the idea needs to be expressed in terms a 3 year old understands in 20 seconds.

It drives me absolutely crackers and annoys the hell out of me. I am going to be so pleased to meet people who will "get" the business and who will understand the lengths we have gone to to get it right for the size of opportunity.

I'm not normally like this but I'd love to get this funding so that the least I could do is "give the finger" to anyone of the idiots who "advised" us what they think we should be doing!

My Past catches up with me

The last time I saw this guy I ended up calling Mrs. F. to come and get me from some far flung station - I couldn't get home (last train) had gone way past my stop, no taxis (or a long line of them) and I was utterly Distraught. The reason I was so upset? Well I'd had a few drinks but generally I can hold my drink. no it was this guy who've I've known for years and years told me that I was a bit of a failure and wasn't supporting my family and stuff to that end.

So did I smack him in the face or anything? No, I listened to and believed what he told me and just melted on the way home. Amazing what someone can say to you. When Mrs. F. picked me up I wasn't in good shape - I recollect it and I recollect that she was just massively annoyed with me. She completely exploded when I told her why I was the way I was and told me that she would be the judge of that and that basically the guy was talking bollocks...

So I met him tonight after 6 or maybe 7 years. He's a born again Christian and that was OK by me. He'd changed his ways. That too was OK by me. He then went on to completely slag my new business, my ideas and so on. I have to say, he isn't the first one who has listened to part of the story and made up some "idea" about what we are doing and then proceeded to tell me for many hours what I am doing wrong or to ask me questions that I barely am able to elucidate before giving me some other lump of advice.

I'm very pleased that I didn't rise too much to it - he should know me by now but then he has probably forgotten the early days of our friendship and the fact that even today - I'm still the customer.

Next Morning: Just to add to things - I actually think that it was not far from me being diagnosed actually when I came home all messed up - makes sense now when I look back at it. Cannot remember if it was before or after, however, I probably wasn't in good shape. People are just strange aren't they?

Done

Well the accounts are completed and we have had a real difficult time with the accounts but this friend of mine has been absolutely brilliant and sorted it out for me - it is amazing stuff and I was chatting away to my daughter L, the one at Cambridge who was home for the weekend when she started quoting accruals and stuff at me. Perhaps I should have asked her.

Dad is fine, now has his operation on the 11th November and let's hope it is successful to relieve his problems. I doubt he fancies having 2 weeks in hospital but there you go. I will see if I can get up to see him when he gets out or perhaps go and visit him.

I'm feeling good and up and down again - it's the final week of our project and it all culminates in a meeting on Thursday night to establish an end point and allow us to put a milestone in place for the 8th November - our investor ready day. Then we will see if our ideas have wings or not. There's a certain amount of trepidation about the amount of work we have done and its impact and whether anyone will invest in it or not. It is also a bust week with many meetings and chats happening too.

Bloody Accounts

I'm doing some accounts and the problem with them is that I took these over and the last lot were bad enough as I had to back track over a years worth of accounts with no real notes to see where money had arrived in from or indeed where some of it went. A kind friend and very good accountant was able to easily see where the problems were and we ended up with a set of accounts I could work away from. Needless to say, the way thinks work for me, that hasn't been plain sailing as we handed over after the first meeting so I have pristine books for most of the year but the earliest part of the year is a bit different and it is when everyone pays their subscriptions. Anyone who paid by cheque or online I can see, anyone who paid by cash isn't easy as there is just a lump sum paid in.

I feel that I may need to call on my friend one more time to see if we can settle it.

My daughter A popped in to see my folks yesterday she needed to complete a set of photographs she started taking some 6 years ago and whilst she was up there managed to grab some lunch with them - I imagine that was a nice interlude for Mum and Dad to see her - she is a lovely girl and I imagine that she would have cheered them up. My "hugs" cushions arrived too which is nice. I thought it would just remind them that we are a fair way away but think of them.

Back of my mind

I've been going through this song again and again. It is the most bizarre thing - I love the arpeggio way it is sung and it is so "un-Genesis" of all their work. It mesmerises me - here are the lyrics:

When you're asleep they may show you

Aerial views of the ground,

Freudian slumber empty of sound.

Over the rooftops and houses,

Lost as it tries to be seen,

Fields of incentive covered with green.

Mesmerised children are playing,

Meant to be seen but not heard,

"Stop me from dreaming!"

"Don't be absurd!"

"Well if we can help you we will,

You're looking tired and ill.

As I count backwards

Your eyes become heavier still.

Sleep, won't you allow yourself fall?

Nothing can hurt you at all.

With your consent

I can experiment further still."

Madrigal music is playing,

Voices can faintly be heard,

"Please leave this patient undisturbed."

Sentenced to drift far away now,

Nothing is quite what it seems,

Sometimes entangled in your own dreams.

"Well, if we can help you we will,

Soon as you're tired and ill.

With your consent

We can experiment further still.

Well, thanks to our kindness and skill

You'll have no trouble until

You catch your breath

And the nurse will present you the bill!"

Here is the live version ->>

A Bit Better

Dad is feeling a lot better a lot happier mum sound brighter and things are quiet and settled down for now - he has plenty of pills to keep him well enough to operate on and hopefully that will be pretty soon and will sort him out for a while, maybe enough to get past Christmas - let's hope so.

I'm feeling a wee bit better today than I was yesterday - I don't like being ill but I hate other people being ill - I feel bad for them :-)

My Nephew - bless him - is on his way over to buy me a beer which is just what I could do with tonight - get out of the house and have a few beers and a laugh.

I feel sad right now

I'm glad my dad is home, he told me a few jokes tonight - so that's good. Both he and mum can get some well needed sleep and hopefully build up his strength ready for his forthcoming operation. Somehow, tonight I just have a bit of a sinking feeling and I'm probably feeling sorry for him - operations aren't great, hospitals aren't either and he's had his fill of them and now the minor operation has turned to a major one - he'll be in for two weeks - that's the longest I've ever been in and that when I was a kid...

I try not to beat myself up all the time about this - I shouldn't I know I shouldn't and yet I regularly wonder to myself whether I'm doing the right thing. Of course, I can look back to 5 years of no one making the effort to come and see me at all - but two wrongs don't make a right. I've been up twice in the past 6 weeks and whether or not I go with Mrs. F & A when they go up there later this or next month remains to be seen. It isn't my fault (Good Will Hunting! :-) that they moved as did my brother, to a most inaccessible place and I'm guessing when they made that decision the consequences were weighed out by them. I had no part in the decision process and I've done my bit, gone up regularly even when I was ill to see them. Does it matter whether I'm there or not. My mum and I have had this conversation and it's all OK - but is it? I'm a stupid sod sometimes I really am not sure. Perhaps I'll just end up playing the power house and the voice of reason and sanity - now I'm rambling so I'll stop there.

It is funny, writing this I feel a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach - I can't do anything about it - I'm sure it will be a "welcome gesture" if I go up and see them but perhaps it is best to wait until he comes home from the operation rather than try and get to see them next week. Who am I kidding I have booked stuff up next week and the week after and the business hits a major target next week and on the 8th November this phase is officially finished. I can hope to get funding or go back and try and find myself a job after all of that!

Little gestures

I've sent off a couple of Hugs to my folks - these are pillows with arms on them you can wrap around yourself - if I can't be there then these will be a gesture. Also sent off my badge from when I was ill that my friend bought me it says "Be gentle with me I'm poorly" and is in the shape of a hot water bottle - hopefully that will arrive tomorrow.

Dad should be home this afternoon from the Hospital and may even have the date for his operation. It is going to be a bigger one than they said but it may just make things that more comfortable for him. Let's hope so, he really could do with a couple of months of "me" time without all this sickness going on as well. I've no idea what they will do to him but to be in for two weeks sounds a bit "heavy".

I've got to press on with my stuff I suppose. L is home from Cambridge this weekend - she always cheers me up :-) I've a week full of things next week to keep me occupied and then we are ready to rock n roll and get things moving at last - what a long journey that has been.

Maybe I'll try and get up to see my folks later in November after he has had his operation and is back home. Now to build him up and hope that he keeps well enough to have the operation.

I feel quite bad tonight

Finally I begin to feel bad about things - I can hear it in my mums voice as it she contemplates the inevitable and my brother as he just sounds exhausted and tired. I've not had to live the day to day and it does affect me not being there, of course it does, it's inevitable that it would. Timing is pants too as I'm right on the cusp of getting things with the business sorted. We are on the last lap the home run and on the 8th November we will be "Investor Ready".

It's an interesting time as we will also be having a meeting next week with the whole team - which is a first I have to say.... Everyone in one room together for the first time in ages. It should be a good day as we will have completed the plans and everything. For my business partner and I it will be the culmination of quite a journey and we are celebrating by going off to a rock concert on the 8th :-) We need that.

I need that - I need to raise my game here. I will probably be OK in the morning but for now I just feel for my dad - all the crap he is going through and of course my mum and brother (and his family) who are dealing with it day to day. I don't think it was wrong to suggest that it would be nice for him to go to sleep after a nice day and then not to wake up - it may be better for him as it is just one thing after another at the moment. It will hurt like hell of course for us but you know you never want your loved ones to suffer and this, although he isn't in pain, is very painful. It's painful for me to hear about let alone for those who are there.

Back tomorrow

He's going through it my dad. Out again tomorrow and home this time they are sending him home with the tablets they should have sent him home with last time!! Come on guys wake up! It was just crazy that they didn't so he ended up back after 6 days. Now he will have his operation either Friday week or Saturday fortnight. The crazy thing is that they've left it too long to do minor surgery and now have to perform something far worse which means two weeks in hospital. That's serious stuff and just so annoying.

At least they managed to get the drippy nurse out of the way and get someone with a bit of gumption to sort out some useful information for mum today so she can feed dad properly and try and stop any more loss of weight as dad is now 3 stone lighter.

My brother sounds drained with the strain of it all - he doesn't do this stuff well and probably hasn't had to handle it quite at this level of intensity.

I actually feel very heavy about it tonight - first time since I heard he was ill that it's weighed this heavily on me. Not a lot I can do - of course I'm about to beat myself up about not being up there but once again what can I do?

Poor old chap

Dad's back in Hospital - came over all weak again this morning landed on the floor and couldn't get up so they got him to Hospital fast once again - this is the third or fourth time now for him and hopefully the hospital will get the message (as this is happening every week or so now) to operate and free things up. It's blindingly obvious that if he gets the operation he wont need to be in hospital - but they seem to be quite happy for this to keep going on which takes up a bed and rather than getting an operation over and done with to clear it up are fire fighting the situation.

At least they got him into hospital at the first sign not waiting for more than 24 hours to "see how it goes" There seems to be no pragmatism going on here - everyone moans about no beds and yet they are happy that dad will keep coming in for 5 or 6 day stretches and yet for one 5 day stretch they could get him off home and he wouldn't be back until things get much much worse.

I'll no doubt hear what is going on in the morning. Poor old fella - he's hardly been ill all his life - he sure is making up for it now.

Well that's the weekend gone

Dad is OK and managed to get a bath with the use of his new bath lift. He's keeping as well as can be expected and my conversation with mum wasn't a great one today. She was telling me how things were going to be in 6 months time. I have to say that it is with a heavy heart that I listened to that because she really didn't seem to want to be doing much and was talking about disconnecting the internet and stuff like that which means withdrawal not moving on. I suppose that's only to be expected but in a way I'd have thought she would want to have some time for herself and some "me" time.

They've always done things together and been together. Apart from dad working abroad and recently when he's been in hospital they've really been inseparable. I live a very different life to that and so does the whole of my household so I probably don't get it. Me, I'd be looking to slowly get back on my feet but also to taste what freedom could mean and to do something locally and get involved in something. Oh well - that time will come and I hope to convince her not to cut herself off from life and become all insular and inward looking.

On Saturday we were treated to a great talk by Captain Eric Moody about his brush with a Volcano whilst flying his 747. The ash was so bad that all 4 engines stopped at 37,000 feet and he glided down attempting to restart the engines. When he finally arrived they found that their cockpit windows were sand (or rather ash) blasted. Some information here he was a mesmerising speaker and it was as if you were up there with him. We overran the meeting by 30 minutes but time just flew by. So that was good.

Today I've wrestled with the Treasurer's figures but at least I know now that we are there or thereabouts and I just need to figure out why there are a couple of holes in the accounts and I should be there.

I feel I'm Always Whinging

And yet - today's whinge is just as crazy as normal - you can't make this stuff up! So my kid brother and I agree a few days ago that as I can get a wheelchair on loan that I should pursue that avenue of research. So I find out that I can have one - I've even seen it and Mrs. F. diverted over last night to pick it up. It's as he suggested to me, lightweight, comfortable, folds up and goes in the car. So I've ticked all the boxes, told him I am arranging to get it, that it wont cost anything and that I or one of the family will get it back to the house in the next 2 weeks!

Simple right? WRONG! So Mrs. F. gets it last night, I drop the boy an email which he responds by asking whether it is self propelled and will fit in a car. Where upon I respond by saying no I didn't listen to what you wanted - You didn't ask for self propelled you asked for light and goes in a car. of course it goes in a car how did you think we got it home, towed it with a pick up!!! He's a bloody amoeba sometimes - stupid sod!

So he then tells me that he's already got one and thanks anyway but can we take it back! What?

Please tell me it isn't me? I mean didn't I have the conversation, tell him I had it and was going to get it and take it up there hundreds of miles away, at my own expense etc! Anyway so that is what pissed me off today. I've now rearranged for the chair to go back - been made to look some kind of fool - yet again. I've a good mind to keep the chair and use it to put my brother in after I meet him next and explain my level of pissed offness with him :-)

As an alternative I'm thinking of getting an Alien Anal Probe and impaling him on it. What a JERK!

Urgh

"Do I not need that" as Gordon Taylor was heard to utter one day. It's been a horrid day really - I just didn't achieve much and that gets me annoyed that I've wasted some time. As it goes, I've done some work but not nearly enough. Soon I'm going to be twiddling my thumbs a bit as we await responses (or not) from investors. It is the final little bits and pieces of the documents that need that last polish, that last t crossed i dotted and so on.

We got to borrow a wheelchair from the local Masonic centre here which I can give to my brother to hold on to whilst dad isn't well and that will help if they need to transport him anywhere and he can't walk far. As it is at the moment he's pretty mobile and he's in good spirits and eating etc but he is sleeping a lot now during the day. Let's hope that he will be well enough to have this operation and keep well for a bit longer.

As for me - I'm a little worn down at the moment just wanting to get things to happen but I can't buck the process and we have to follow what we set out to do. I just could do with this next phase being over - it's the unknown again and that is unsettling.

The Good Samaritan

Well kind of - I had to go and help a friend out tonight and:

1. I'd quite forgotten what a terrible driver he is - he does frighten me when I'm in the car
2. I haven't done electrical work for many years - I used to be an electrician

So we get to his house and he doesn't have any sort of spare lights or flex and things so I had to do some improvising. I eventually found out that the decorators had put back the light fittings and it looks as if they've lost a neutral somewhere in the process which I couldn't find as I no longer have any meters to check out my findings - shame as he will have to call in an electrician to sort it out - at least we know what it is and hopefully they can find it - I only had a screw driver that told me if things were live or not and had to rig up a test lamp - which was when I realised what had happened.

A day of hard work tomorrow to sort out the business plan and to steady ourselves - we are both feeling "unloved" by the wider team. they all have jobs, are away on holiday or generally cannot sit down with us in the next few days to sort this lot out. It means, as I've already guessed - we will be on our own with this - we haven't had the support up until now and we shouldn't expect it in the near future until we get the investment. When we are talking money I'm sure that we will have more friends then but be just as or more isolated. It's the road we have to travel so might as well get used to it now :-)

Different People - Different Ways

Facebook has a way of making people use it seriously and by that I mean gushing out some inner moment of their soul or making some cringe worthy statement. I suppose you could say that about this blog as it is "out there" in the ether/internet. Mind you I certainly don't have this visible to everyone I know and I doubt it is seen my millions of people if at all.

So why publish stuff about my dad on Facebook FFS! It isn't as if it is worth saying its a load of tripe and sentimental bollocks generally and whilst I know my brother is a bit of a sentimental twat at times - this just re-enforces my view. It really is cringe making rubbish of the worst kind of sickly sweet sentimentality. If he feels like this he perhaps ought to go and tell dad - who would probably thwack him around the head and tell him to get a grip. I can't even re-print it as I want to vomit when I read it.

So that's my rant over - I at least managed to put up my own status near his which said "Get a sodding grip" which he may recognise for what it was meant to be :-)

Well

He is home and resting and on the list to get the operation done he should be high up the list as they say it is Head, Heart and Cancer in that order who get preference.

Me? I'm not beating myself up too much at the moment. Dad's home, all sounds settled again the business plan is almost complete, the list of investors is almost finished too and we've arrived at that point where we can send it out and see if anyone is interested.

In addition, some accounts that I've been struggling to sort out have been sorted out for me which is fantastic as they were in such a muddle that my head wouldn't work on how to sort them out - this friend who is an accountant and used to such things has applied his knowledge and experience and overnight done what it took 2 years for my predecessor not to do! This means we could get all the accounts sorted in days not months now. Pleased with that I have to say.

Home later today

As it is Tuesday already. Dad gets home for a while and will have the operation to relieve his bile duct and duodenum and hopefully that will free things up for a while and stop these infections and give him some quality of life. It will certainly assist in giving him a bit longer.

Me - well I'm beating myself up and then doing my Mr. Logic stuff you know - what's the point of going up to see my folks to be a taxi service or to sit in another room whilst he is asleep and just get in the way. sure I can do the support stuff but but do they really want that? I doubt it.

I'll probably continue to beat myself up regularly for a while.

In business terms someone observed that I was bouncing off the walls tonight - well the main reason for that is that the business plan is almost complete now. It just needs final tweaks and by the end of the week - my 18 months journey and that of my partner will be over - we will have investigated our business, done all our research, documented it all, reviewed competitors, built financial models and written our business plan - all we need to do is send it out and get the money :-) It is a cause for celebration and for us to take a well earned short breather. We will find out soon enough if we are barking mad or not! :-)

Progress continues

My brother keeps making sickly stupid comments on facebook which annoy the hell out of me but being as he is a little sensitive (although a big bloke you don't want to cross!) I find it unnecessary to public put this saccharin crap out but perhaps that's his way of coping. He won't hear of comments about dad dying or what will happen and somehow he's not taking on board what is coming down the track at us. I suppose that is his way of coping with it all.

I'm beating myself up about not being there even though I shouldn't and I'm not sure if I'm going to decide to go up again in the short term. To me, it doesn't make a lot of sense as I can't do anything and whilst I can physically be there - that in itself doesn't make it right either. The other thing is that in all honesty, I only ever used to see my folks once or twice a year anyway so I've been up there twice in two months which is like a whole year's worth of visiting already and I've certainly stayed more days than I normally would do as well :-)

Now that sounds just horrible doesn't it but it is so, I probably used to see my folks once every 2 months when they lived down this way especially when the children were young. But for ten years or more they've moved away to the country and it's been best endeavours - more so now as we are all busy people and don't have that much time to spare or to arrange for hotels and all the paraphernalia needed. I somehow wonder whether I sound like a cold hearted bastard when I say that and yet - I don't have that sort of close relationship with my folks that other people have. Me dad is very much like me in that respect and I talk to them twice a week and we are all very pleasant to each other but they've never been involved in my life, my family or anything to do with what I have done and I've been independent for many years so it comes as a surprise that the "done thing" is to go up to my parents a lot as I can't change things and can offer very little assistance - I can never be there at the right time to assist if he has to go into hospital - how would that work? I'd need to be a mind reader. Then there's the "I don't want to be a Vulture" either side of me. I'm sure that everyone's happy that I call and take an interest and offer but do they really want me there all the time or popping in and out? Let alone the cost associated with me going up there and staying at a Hotel. It just isn't practical and whilst I may beat myself up about it I have to be practical here - I have to try and get my business off the ground - that will give me a living and it very much looks as if by the time we get finance I will have self financed for 18 months. I need to get that reversed as soon as. I can't do that if I'm not around here. I can't keep splashing out on hotels and petrol if I'm only going to be sat around watching my dad sleep for that's roughly what it was.

It sounds like I'm some tough old nut who doesn't care - far from it - whilst I may have complained that no one ever came and saw me when I was ill I would have been a bit put out if they kept tipping up and hung around for a few days each time. By all means - turn up at significant moments but at the same time - realise that there needs to be a balance and for me the balance will have to be worked out on my terms.

Better

He's better - made the oncologists appointment which was good as the chap told him straight what his options were. This has now, today, made for a bit more sombre and reflective mood even still dad is still on a different planet every now and then he does now "get it" by which I mean he has realised that time is limited and if he is to escape the cycle of home and hospital every few days he must make a decision on having some surgery. It may just sort things out long enough for him to get some reasonable quality of life in his remaining time.

Mum and I had the "death" conversation today - my brother is a bit too squeamish and he's a bit more "sensitive" about it all than I am. I'm not saying I find it easy I just find it practical - it's what happens and there isn't much we can do about it either really - it will come to us all. So we've spoken about it and also in a way that dad was so poorly that at one stage if he hadn't woken it would have been acceptable. No one likes to see a loved one suffer but to see someone who has never really had any ill health suddenly struck down and to see the quizzical almost bemused look interspersed with fear and worry is not a good thing to observe.

Let's hope that he decides to take one of the remaining options - the Whipple is far too much of an operation - even though he may be fit enough - at 81 it really shouldn't have been tabled. If he takes one of the others he will be out of it for 3 or 4 days but hopefully it will give him a long period away from the hospital and a better quality of life in the time he has left with us.

As for me - well I'm doing the "guilt trip" every day and my brother is taking most of the strain of it all. I've argued with myself long and hard about this and I'm not getting any grief from mum or my brother at the moment - they know the score and so do I. If I was there I'd do my bit but they moved away from me and not vice versa so practically it's impossible for me to do much based this far away - spending time up there is expensive as I stay in Hotels and if there are all 4 of us - it racks up a shocking amount very quickly... Doesn't stop me thinking about it though even though I've been assured that I'm not expected to do all of this stuff.

The other question on my mind is how many times will I see my dad before he dies? It's a morbid question isn't it? I don't think it will be many if at all really. As sods law would have it I'm just entering the culmination of 18 months work (4 years if I really count back to the first time this was introduced). I've got meetings now that decide my future and that of my family and also my colleagues so timing is pretty rubbish at the moment too. Oh well - these things happen.

Not going to be a comfortable 24 hours

We don't know what's wrong with dad but he's hallucinating again and that's not good - he thinks I am there sitting next to him. He's very weak indeed and hasn't got out of surgical assessment despite being in there for 6 hours so far!!! Let's hope they see him soon and he gets into a ward and looked after overnight. He doesn't know where he is or who all these people are - I feel so bad for him and I hope he is out of it and not feeling scared etc.

It's terribly upsetting for my mum and my brother and sister in law who are actually with him. I have only seen a little bit of this of course and that was bad enough. Mum should have rung my brother 24 hours earlier but didn't want to put him out. Strewth I'd have come up if she'd have called me...

Oh well - I can't do anything - I have a meeting here tomorrow and I need to be up and ready for that. I hope that they sort him out and get him fixed up and comfortable though. These lapses and days when he doesn't know where he is are very worrying indeed - more for the impact they make on my brother and my mum as they have to deal with it.

Poor old Fella

Oh dear, dad's being taken into hospital once again poor chap - he just hasn't been well at all and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. He's really going through the mill isn't he? He wasn't right yesterday and thank goodness, mum saw the signs again and has decided to get him into hospital early this time.

I'm guessing they are going to have to make a decision now to do something but he is terribly weal but and I'm guessing that these episodes are caused by the tumour and swelling up inside - he just needs to get things sorted out and I know he won't have the major surgery but perhaps they can "do their best" on the minor invasive to see if they can rectify this problem and give him an opportunity to get some sort of respite.

I feel so sorry for him, he's hardly recovered from the last lot and he's back in again. It just isn't fair but I suppose it goes with the territory. He looks so frail and poorly it's such a shame.

Dad not good again

He's not in Hospital but his legs gave way underneath him and his limbs aren't working. His legs and arms are all weak he says and so mum's keeping an eye on him at the moment to make sure it isn't a recurrence of the infection - he doesn't need that.

Other than that he progress well I suppose - certainly better than a week ago but with this little problem it's not good news. Finally he has given in about the car and so that is one thing I suppose. I hope that this was done with good grace but I think even he must now acknowledge that in his present state he can't drive a car.

It's very sad to see him like he is now - I'm coming to terms with it I suppose now but it's hard work and I can only imagine that it is going to get worse from here on in. All plans are on hold and I'm being super cautious about what I'm going to be doing between now and Christmas as I'm pretty certain that I'll need to go up and see him again pretty soon. It looks as if A and Mrs. F. may be up there this weekend so it will be good if they can pop in to see him.

I liked this

"Picasso had affairs with most of his models. Although some tried to resist his charms, they found themselves strangely drawn."

I love stuff like this - it really is a great play on words.

Had a meeting tonight and enjoyed myself - had a guest of mine along who has turned out to be a good friend - we have very similar backgrounds and he's got a great sense of humour too. The one thing that I liked about tonight was the ability to just get a load off my chest without it going any further - friends listen to the sort of problems I'm having and just absorbing them and making them go away for me - that's nice and it helps a lot. I can have a good old whine about my dysfunctional family and come away with a problem shared is a problem halved sort of evening.

Mrs. F. Picked me up from the centre and one of my friends went and tried to wind her up with some funnies about me staying for one more drink - I think he may have been surprised by her resilience :-)

Here endeth the first lesson

It was nice to speak to some friends today and get a load of last week off of my chest. It's good that they know me and were able to just help me get rid of some of the annoyance of the week and hopefully to give me a bit of support that I did the right thing last week. I feel I should be up there a bit more often but I was like a spare part at a wedding really and I spent a lot of time just sitting in the Conservatory or hovering outside to get cool as my parent's house was like a boiler room :-)

At least I'm back home and on the case and can catch up on work.

I've not spoken to my parents today - I've suggested I go back to my Wednesday and Sunday calls (normal) and see how we get on from there.

On a more happy note

We are off soon to my father-in-law's 90th and my nephews 30th birthday party. It will be nice to get away for a short while from the impact of my father's illness. It has quite stirred up dark memories and bad feelings and stuff that I'd buried into the recesses of my mind.

At least work will keep me busy this coming week as we struggle to finish off the business plan and make some sense of it all. It looks great but needs a bit of polish and some fine words at the beginning to make it impact and enthuse the reader. We should heed Steve Job's words - our business intends to shoot holes in everything that you ever thought about the computer industry and disrupt 20 years of a lack of innovation or thought in the products being delivered.

Let's hope that it all goes to plan :-) I also hope that I get an uplifted afternoon - I certainly could do with a lift after the 4 days I've had.

Dealing with it all

It's pretty tough isn't it? I mean my dad has hardly been ill in his life and so all of this is just terrible for him as he never gets ill and when he gets something like a cold he shakes it off and he's back at things pretty quickly.

He can't understand why he can't do that now, why everything is so hard, why he has no energy, how come he's lost 2 1/2 stone in 3 months, how he can't eat as much as he used to, why he can't do things around the house and garden and so on. The car is driving everyone crazy - he hasn't got to that acceptance about not being able to drive it again - it has only been off the drive twice in 6 months. He isn't fit to drive, he doesn't have the strength nor does he have the wit to drive and frankly I'm not sure that the drugs he is on either are going to help him. I've suggested that he prove himself able to drive by walking to the shops and back. I doubt he could get to and from the drive and back at the moment - it frustrates him to walk from one end of the house to the other - I can see it and he isn't stable. He however doesn't see this, he just sees my brother, sister in law and mum telling him he can't drive. They have to reason with him and that's the problem - they are all happy to give advice and tell him what to do and treat him like some naughty kid and yet he hasn't lost his marbles and he isn't stupid either.

The trouble is that no one is thinking things through. I'm "Mr. Calm" and perhaps a bit too much of the ice man if I'm honest but I like to think that if I learnt nothing else being ill with bladder cancer, I'd know what it was like to have it and how best to deal with it. I certainly found being lectured at was not what I wanted to hear. I needed facts, figures, options, cause and effect, actions and outcomes etc. I was able to come to my decisions based on these, through my own reason and logic. In that way I decided that I wanted to live, to go ahead with treatment, to make a decision should things have gone badly about what treatment to have next, to decide which of those treatments would give me the best outcome and so on. Having someone tell me what I could and couldn't do would have been untenable to me.

So I managed to explain this to mum and brother and to also ask them to stop putting the pressure on - my brother especially who considers anything to be some sort of selfish act? Plonker! I mean if dad doesn't want major invasive surgery as it won't give him a good return on investment (you recuperate for 3 months if you are young) and dad may have 6 months to live I mean it's plain logic to me. Not to my brother who feels that he should go through all of this stuff (well he doesn't now as I've laid some heavy facts at his door to think about). I've also told him that I believe that HE is the one being selfish as it isn't his life to make decisions on and he is being emotional and irrational and not thinking things through.

He's bought guilt presents - a clarinet, harmonica and guitar for him - I mean what on earth is he going to do with those when he's got 6 months left to live and hardly enough breath to breathe properly? What were you thinking? The reason behind the clarinet and harmonica are that when we were children my father sold his to pay the bills and we both remember this. However, it's all a bit late now for that sort of gesture. Suddenly when I got there - everyone's buying birthday presents. We haven't done birthday presents for 10 if not 15 years as we only do Christmas. That necessitated me having to dash out and get a bottle of scotch for him - I hadn't planned anything. What were they thinking? Everyone seems to be going out of their way to say "HEY, you're dying!!"

I'm a cynic I know I am but I do find the way people deal with cancer is bizarre and this general ignorance about it is regrettable but you can understand why especially when you never hear of anyone passing away easily do you? They are always fighting or combating or battling cancer. They die after a short or long battle with cancer, bravely fought etc. You don't get a sword and shield or meet cancer on the battle field at all. It screws up your body and it grows inside you and takes over and weakens you and that is it. I can imagine that everyone is very upset - or course they are - but why should they suddenly change their relationship to you or treat you any different. I was probably more wary of my dad being tired out by me being there and told him to tell me to leave him be if it all got too much. We have pleasant conversations and we discuss lots of things - we are very similar in opinion, politics and shared a business relationship for many years but we don't talk regularly, we laugh and joke and we have fun but at the moment, dad's brain is lively enough but he can't play word cut and thrust for long and he can't do much for long. He isn't stupid though and that was what I tried to get over to everyone when I was there. Don't treat him like a kid even though he is acting a bit strange occasionally try and keep your voice normal and explain stuff in easy to digest facts.

So there you go - I'm pretty glad that I don't have to be up with my family for too long at a time. I feel that they all need to get a grip and to wake up and stop being patronising. Having said that to them, I hope they listen and I hope that they start to show a bit of respect to my dad, if nothing else he deserves to have that and he deserves to be listened to and he deserves to be given the facts and the arguments needed to back up an assertion like not driving the car. He can't see it because they've told him. No one has asked him, no one has reasoned with him. I know he can be as stubborn as hell (I have no idea where I get it from!!!) but start to do some reasoned logical argument and it will be indisputable - he'll have to come to the same opinion and if he starts getting illogical in his argument then it's blindingly obvious that there's something wrong and he may then start to see it.

Oh well - I'm hoping that they take my advice and just tone it all back and realise that he is just tired and weak not mentally retarded :-)

I'm very glad to be home

And have my close family here for the weekend - the girls get on great together and so we do have fun and enjoy each others company. I'm being allowed to let off steam and have some child like fun and be a crazy dad for the day so that's cool :-)

I'm glad I went to see my mum and dad and show some support and I spoke to my mum long and hard on Friday to make sure that she knows I can be there - she realises the distance and the cost but I think it is true that she also realises that practically it isn't possible to get there and back in a day so I have to plan things.

I feel pretty helpless to do much more than do what I'm doing - it's upsetting but I've got to get real here - I can't help much other than provide the balanced views I'm doing and a little insight into the overreactions of my brother and sister in law and my mum. All trying their best to help but disturbingly not allowing my dad to consider his options and decide what he wants and what he considers best for himself.

Back Home

A bit of a hold up on the way back but back home and thankfully able to divert myself this weekend with a party for my father in law and nephew - 90 and 30 respectively. That should be nice.

I've come bearing gifts - well - lots of farm produce for us and I need to take in all the things that have happened this past 4 days. I find it disturbing that my mother and brother are treating my dad like some sort of naughty kid (even though he was like that when the fever was rampant). However, I may have got it through to them that they need to be reactive to his needs not proactive - in other words the last thing a dying man needs to be reminded of is that fact. If you think an electric bed is a good idea then have that idea ready for when he finds it difficult to get in and out of the bed he is in now. Don't get him it, make him change into it for all it does is remind him that he is ill. If you'd have done it to me I would, like him, be bloody furious.

People do things in "good faith" and yet they don't think of how the person who is ill and facing death is actually going to feel when they act out of the kindness of their hearts and kick him in the teeth at the same time. You can overdo the love and support and I hope that, if I've done nothing else, that I've stopped them trying to over protect and try and wrap him in cotton wool, he has pancreatic cancer - he isn't going light in the brain!!

My Week

Was it a good thing to come up here? I think perhaps it was right to do that and in a way I would have kicked myself if I hadn't. I found it amusing for one of my friends to say that I had "now done my bit" which I found amusing and disturbing at the same time. What he meant was that I could perhaps stop kicking myself for not being there for dad whilst he also knew that no one had come down and seen me :-) But at the same time it belittles the act too.

I would have felt bad if something had happened this week and I hadn't made the effort. In a way I feel I should be here more but it really isn't practical. We would all like to "be there" and yet in reality that isn't possible is it? Ideally I'd like to be here for my mum and dad for as long as it takes - it isn't going to happen.

I feel my mum's pain and my dad's confusion and upset and the wider family - especially his two brothers, one older and one younger. I feel somehow that I need to do more but you know what, I also have my own things to do as well. The trouble is that my mother and brother (and sister-in-law) too are treating dad like a kid - I've "had words" about that and suggested that they treat him like the head of the family he is and give him a bit of respect. He doesn't need to be told what to do - he needs to come to these decisions in his own time and when he needs to. He doesn't need an invalid bed now - he may do later, leave the suggestion that we will do what is necessary to deal with his condition and respect his wishes. Everyone wants to advise and push him and yet he needs to make some decisions in a logical fact based way. I know he shouldn't drive the car and so does he but he needs to arrive at that decision based on facts about his reactions, his body movement and his strength - he knows he can't walk down the garden let alone drive a car but he doesn't need to be told.

So - I've done my bit and I know I've got to come up here again and perhaps only a few times more. I've no idea whether I'll be here at the end - that's not my choice, that's the predicament I am in because it wasn't me that moved up to this area of England. It's desolate farming country a million miles from the sort of countryside I live in. There are some amazing houses here but they are rotting away and yet it must have been some place given the scale of the buildings I saw on my walk today - including a house that has to be 17th century that is just what I have always dreamed of owning - a place probably older with turrets that appears to have grown organically and has bags of character. The trouble is - what on earth would you do up here but be a farmer? There really isn't much else I can see to do.

So I've got mixed feelings - it could be the last time I come here I suppose. However, I hope not but I don't think I could hack the day I had Tuesday - my poor old mum and brother had a terrible week with dad. Every now and then dad goes off somewhere in his mind and drifts off and back again but normally he is tired and I'm concious that perhaps I can only just be there and around for them - maybe that's all that is needed - just to be present.

Oh hell what do I know :-) Mind you sat in the bar tonight and there was a conversation going on following a wake for this chaps mother who had just died of Pancreatic Cancer and they mentioned Steve Jobs and Patrick Swazy and of course that just re-enforced what will come in the near future. I don't see dad living beyond Christmas unless he has a very strong will and starts to take on some sort of diet and treatment that may help - I find it unlikely that it will happen I think the decision to die has been made.

I should have been at the Guildhall this evening and I've only just thought about that. It would have been a wonderful event but I'd rather be here - it's dad's birthday tomorrow and so that is important I think. Oh well - I'll be home tomorrow night and I think I will be quite morose and quite upset when I get back there - it's been a strain and it's been emotional :-) I hate what cancer has done to my dad and the frail man who stood there today and at one time he was almost child like and you never want to see your dad in anything other than how you remember him.

More later when I get past the upset. However, I'm not as cut up as I could have been I think.

Ooooeeeerr

I got my tyre fixed this morning and got to my parents a little later - dad was in bed and it was nice to see him a little better and the bruises receding. I then went to the shops for them and dropped of the notes to the doctor, picked up some scotch for dad's birthday and posted some letters and had a nice breezy walk.

I left earlier today as dad got quite tired - it just floods over him and that's just the way things are. It's so frustrating for him and so I got out when he started to get tired just before his tea. My mum wants to feed me but its too early for me.

I have a list of things to get tomorrow from the farm shop as it is so cheap around here. I should be able to do some pickled onions over the weekend with a bit of luck.

I'm sure I'm going to be really cut up when I get home tomorrow - I've had to be massively diplomatic so far. Tomorrow my brother and his brood will be there, dad will have his last birthday with us and I'm sure that the moment will not be lost on anyone in the room. He laughed with me today and gave me my inheritance - a bag of sweets :-) bless him.

Of course Steve Jobs dying today also hit home especially as he had the same cancer! Oh well tomorrow is another day.

Progress

Well Dad's home, I brought him home with mum and my brother late on Tuesday afternoon. He was being a "bit of a handful" and not taking things seriously, he was told not to drive but the doctor and the nurse weren't really that good at delivering this message but frankly, I cannot see him ever getting behind the wheel and I think today that he knows that.

It's difficult to understand that this little step is just one of the things you have to give up as you head towards your destiny. It is one reminder that you are losing your independence and that's why he wants to hold on to it. Of course, he isn't thinking clearly on this and there are lots of other problems like this. The interesting thing is that everyone is dealing with this differently and Dad doesn't do "being ill" so was surprised to see me yesterday and also that I was here for the rest of the week. In a way - I had to come up and he could have been in Hospital all week but I'm here and was able to fix some stuff in the house and also baby sit dad whilst mum did some chores too. It was nice to wander out into the Conservatory and let them both have a sleep and catch up. Things were a lot less frantic and a lot better today.

Dad looks so much better after just one evening of real sleep. Hopefully he can build on this and just have a stable time from now on.

Now the bad stuff - well he does look much thinner than when I last saw him and he is much much weaker. I can see the fear and also confusion in his eyes, I know him of course and I've never known him be scared before.

I'm glad I came.

That's fixed then

I'm off to see my folks tomorrow at the crack of Sparrows. At least I can take over from my brother and sister-in-law and do some supporting chores if nothing else it will give me an opportunity to see dad and mum and try and assist.

I've got my Hotel sorted out - well my brother may need his spare room :-) yea right! I have to laugh about it - he even recommended various other hotels I might like to check out :-) At least I can get away at a reasonable time and spend some time in a Hotel Bar having a cool beer and thinking stuff out. I've got my friend bringing me some literature tonight. He works for the Samaritans and it will be worth leaving the leaflets to hand in case they need them - sometimes it isn't easy to speak to family and these guys provide a vital service to just allow you to chat and talk and get it off your chest. They are well trained and know how to get you to talk about yourself and your feelings etc. A lot of people think it is only about suicides which of course they do deal with but also dealing with other difficult situations too.

The Mirror on what might have been

It sounds strange but I looked at my dad a few weeks ago and I saw myself. I saw what might have happened to me had they caught my cancer a little later than they did. It brings back much of the trouble of that time to me and in many ways I dread going up there this week. I think everyone is putting a brave face on at the moment but deep down inside I'm certain that they fear what will come next.

Me? I'm reminded of all the stuff I go through and how fortunate I am to still be here. I'm not saying it hurts any more than it does to the rest of the family but it certainly hits home a lot more to me. The spread of the cancer and the speed at which dad has changed in a very short space of time is frightening and this latest period in hospital may herald a pattern (I hope not) for the future.

I'll go up in the morning to see him and see what I can do this week. It's going to be a hard old week but I should go. I may have been disturbed by the fact that no one came and saw me in all the years I was ill but it doesn't mean that I have to behave like that.

Spurred into action

I spoke to my brother and I think I ought to go up this week if only to share the load and take mum to and from the Hospital and sort that out. It sounds dire trying to find a parking place and all that! Typical hospital - pretty new one too and not enough places to park - who designs these things FFS!

Dad's a bit better, has been able to get up and wander around himself and has started to get around without the aid of a walking frame so a good sign there.

It always surprises me that I have to stay in a hotel when I'm up there considering my brother has a spare room but they may give you an inkling of why things aren't exactly great between us. Anyway, I'd rather pay to do that I think :-)

It's all a bit difficult in terms of work etc but they have wifi and I have a PC and a phone so that can work :-) I hope to get away pretty early so as to get to my mums in time for breakfast and so I can do whatever is needed. Additionally I'll be there for my dad's birthday which will also be good (and bad) all at the same time. I have no doubt that the Elephant will be in the room at that time.

It's Late and yes I'm still up

Pondering the words I heard my mum say tonight and how sad dad was that he wasn't fit enough to come home. He knows that it will be hard work for mum and I can see that he's beginning to start to think things through in a pragmatic way. A few weeks ago he wouldn't have seen that he was soldiering on as if nothing had happened.

I caught a moment in mums voice and it's kept me up to gone 1 so far and I think it may be time to go up again and see him. This is the bizarre thing, it's only 14 days since I last saw him and so much has happened and changed. That's what is alarming about this, it is as if someone has flipped a switch and dad's gone from one state to another and transformed. It reduces us to helpless and weak individuals and that's not how he was - ever. I find myself listening to various pieces of smooth classical music and working out what I can do this week and how long I can go up for.

I'll take a view on it tomorrow but I think the hidden message is that dad may be thinking he isn't coming home. Whilst he is up to his usual laughs and jokes he actually doesn't have the energy to get up and down and move around fully unaided. That's got to be hard for him to bear and perhaps I ought to get up to see him as soon as I can - I don't want him to interpret that as some sort of last gesture either. It's hard to know what to do and of course the business is at a critical state but then again I'm sure that me thinking about this rather than taking action will materially affect it anyway.

It's better but it's worse

Dad's improved in terms of his attention and his mind and he is very very slowly getting some strength back but not enough to get him home yet I fear. He is very weak and needs assistance getting around. He can get about on his walking frame but it is a slow process and so he knows, and told my brother, that he felt he would not be coming home too soon.

I'm in two minds now what to do about this and whether I go up this week. It may be the case that I take a view tomorrow and Monday and make a decision and just go. I can ring around and get a Hotel easily enough, I have their addresses and details all written out now.

I fear going as I fear it may mean that if I'm there he may read it all wrongly. Perhaps not, I probably don't want to see what has happened to my dad. Let's face it, I only saw him 13 days ago and he was fine - a little thin but otherwise fine. That's what is overtaking me, how quick this all is and how fast everything is moving.

Talking to my mum tonight it was pretty obvious that there is an acceptance that things aren't quite what they should be and dad's blood pressure is going up and down all over the place. Until they stabilise him, he isn't going anywhere.

What to do?

Tearing Down My Defences

Whilst dad is having his own problems and living out the final chapter of his life I wonder whether I'm recoiling from the very real feelings that go back to my time with the early stages of the disease and the things I lived out in my waking and sleeping dreams and the visits of the Black Dog and the barriers and walls I've built up around myself to protect me from it.

I'm certain that I've built a legend and a narrative about me illness that is for me and for me alone but it helps to deal with it personally and when interacting with others. There's a tale, a weaving of truth and fantasy, of anecdotes and experiences that I hold onto as "My Story". It's part of who I am, it helps me deal with what happened to me, it allows me to explain what happened in my language and to suit me. Some of it may be blown up or down to suit the story telling but it is a shell that wrappers me and keeps me from harm. What I see and hear in my father's situation is all of the things I dreamt would happen to me (that didn't thankfully) but other things remind me of the loneliness and the doubt, the fear and the worry, the pain and the anger, the Black Dog and the Little Voice, the shame and the worry.

I see myself dying with him and I don't like it at all it really pulls and I see myself holding back and trying not to get too involved emotionally as it will tear me apart. I'll need to be at my best in the event to deal with the relatives - mum already can't deal with them and my brother is a lot closer to my parents than I am and so I will need to hold it together for him too. He's actually stepped up to the plate magnificently these past few weeks - it hasn't been that long but it feels like it. I may have reservations about other members of his family but he's done well and I have no doubt he'll feel particularly wiped out when the inevitable happens.

Me - I'm afraid that bits of my defence are falling apart now and that I'm questioning things - I don't tend to do things on an emotion I tend to do things logically - one one hand I want to go up and see them but on the other - what purpose does that serve? I'd rather wait until I get called up or when there is time at home. By the end of the weekend I think I might be able to forge a strategy about what to do for the best.