Coming to terms with the outcome

It hasn't happened yet of course. I'm hoping that things have gone well and that I'll be put on maintenance. Like last time, of course, there is the possibility that they will find something and operate straight away. I won't know until I come around on that one.

The very worst that can happen is things have got seriously worse and that they'll need to do some serious work on me. I would imagine they would have to tell me after they had done biopsies etc.

If the treatment hasn't worked but things haven't got seriously worse then they can do another set of instillations and potentially they can do another batch with some heavier chemical cocktails in them.

I realised only recently that I really hadn't come to terms with either the seriousness of my condition nor indeed quite what it was going to mean to me. I think that I deal with it in a way that it isn't that serious (to me), it is treatable and that it isn't going to get me. I'm not sure of my level of conviction when I say it though. I think I have more doubts now (some brought about by the delay) that I did 3 or 4 months ago. I've been told by a number of professionals that I have had some nasty stuff happen to me and it was no wonder I was stressed out. All in all I have realised - perhaps in the past three or four weeks - just how serious and how nasty bladder cancer is especially in its CIS form.

This new "calmness" has been a relief to me as I feel very much at ease with things and perhaps able to cope with the next steps in treatment. I'm so pleased with the hypnotherapy - I really am finding it difficult to think in any truly dark and negative ways, those thoughts are turned and held at bay.

But there are loose ends in all of this too. It isn't just the treatment, it is things like insurances, job, career, family, friendships. money, lifestyle, overall health and a combination of things that all add to the mix. It isn't just a yes or no after Wednesday as each element (and I'm sure there are more than the few above) are going to interact with the other to dictate the next route to follow.

I need to get away from the guilt of having the luxury to think like this - some folks never get the chance do they?

The work / life / balance thing has never been more apparent to me than at the moment. Clearly I've made some quite important changes to my diet, my lifestyle and my outlook. The next set of decisions - post Wednesday - will probably also change the way I live my life from that point onwards. To date I am holding back and I'm still being very cautious. I wonder if I will throw caution to the wind or take the brakes off a bit, whether I'll look to work back in the fast and furious world or take a back seat. I wonder too if I'll be looking long or short term on such things?

Someone said life begins at 40. I'm 50 later this year - perhaps life truly begins then for me?

Speculation is fine I suppose - I need to wait until Wednesday and then perhaps a few weeks later to really know.