New Day New Attitude

I'm analysing this on the blog to see if I can rationalise it.

I keep wondering what just happened to me?  I surprise myself sometimes by being so positive when I thought I'd probably be quite down and not so able to cope with a recurrence.   The reality is that I'm not in the slightest bit upset about it - perhaps I'm in some sort of denial (no that's not a river in Egypt!).  

Could that be it?  All bravado and a show of courage, the last act of defiance?  No I don't think it is that entirely either.  I suggested to a friend of mine that I must have gone through the outcomes in my mind before hand and worked out what it would mean.  I hadn't expected a tiny tumour at all - if anything it was going to be one of three outcomes:

1. Clear - we move to the next level of flexible cystoscopies
2. Presence of Cancer in many places - We go for BCG a complete round - 18 with 3 rigid Cystoscopies
3. There are tumours in here  - that are cut out (A TURBT) I wake up wired up and we go the round again or have the next conversation about losing the bladder.

Well it is a bit between 1 & 2 which is the strange thing.  Let's say 99% cancer free and one rogue tumour that we don't know the grade of.  That's still 99% of the bladder that is fine in my view of the world.

So perhaps that is it.  I suppose the only down side is that I will be in and out of Hospital a lot more and be back on these 6 monthly full procedures so I'd just better get used to it.