4 Hours

Had a light breakfast of poached eggs on toast washed down with my last coffee for a while.  Now on water and plugged into my MP3 player and playing solitaire on my PC which I'll do until everyone gets up when I will pack my holdall and get my paperwork together for later.   Once that is done I'll come back and sit here playing games and listening to music until it is time to go.

my mum said she'd call this morning - not sure why - I only spoke to her yesterday.

I'm quite OK in myself at the moment - pretty neutral - a little apprehensive but then it doesn't make much sense to worry as what will be will be (thanks Doris).   Things have moved on as I was pretty much terrified and traumatised the first time I went in.  I'd had 3 weeks of bleeding and was still reeling from the diagnosis and trying to work out what it all meant.

Now - well it is routine in a way.  I know what to expect, although they still have their own ways of p1ssing me off and annoying me the routine of getting there, into operating gown and so on is much as it has been and of course I've even had one cancelled on me too.

As Scar Wars VIII approaches I think that I am as prepared as I'll ever be.  I'm quietly confident about the results but not overly so.  I'm no longer going in expecting the worst, I'm hoping for good news but if it isn't well that will again be as it is going to be.

I'm also reflecting a lot on my life to date and considering the changes in fortune and also - strangely - why I do not appear to settle down in a job any more.  I suppose I wouldn't have the unique experience that I do if I had been in one or two jobs my whole life.  At the charity I've done what I always do which is pick up a change project and build a solid foundation for the next person to build on.  They can have the 9 to 5 job and the  day-to-day running and administration.

I find myself back where I was sometime ago (over 30 years in fact) of hating commuting, sitting on the same seat of the same train every day seeing the same people, doing everything in a routine way.   The routine of work is also something that is difficult to cope with the amount of time it takes to get things done is criminal but that is just the way it is.  Things don't move fast unless they have to.

Oh well - back to solitaire, music and water.