Not a nice place to be

Inside my head at the moment.  Feel a little bit down and a little bit indecisive, not quite myself at all.  It feels as if dad's situation has caught up with me, the realisation that a little later today we will prepare to shut down the business or take steps to close down the effort and so there's a number of things that need to be done.  I suppose it has an "end of life" feel to it so inevitably there'll be some sort of grieving going on and there's a lot to do.  Write to all the interested parties (the relatives), some sort of event (the funeral), some grieving first followed by some sort of celebration and then reflection.  Given the current situation with my dad, the parallels are marked.


Of course it isn't exactly the same but it has been my life for 2 years and so it is hard to let it go.  But let it go I have to as there is no way you can continue if the money isn't there and as we have found, if the ability to think "outside of the box" isn't there.  It is astounding to me that the vast majority of people I've met don't think differently and can't see that innovation is about mixing stuff up and shaking industries up.  It is a terrible shame but that's where we are and that's what we've found.  Even the people empowered to find a solution haven't even wanted to hear what we propose to solve the problem they've been tasked with solving.  But then like many of the Government set-up organisations they are probably not meant to find a solution to the problem but just to show that the Government are dealing with it which is a different thing altogether.


The next few weeks will be hectic as we agreed to shut things down quite fast.  This allows us to declare a clean break and to move on ourselves, taking as long as we each need to make up our minds about what to do next.  For me it isn't a case of jumping into anything too fast, I need some time to think it through and to make a decision.  For some reason there's a lot of dark and heavy thoughts coming in around my decision and I'll no doubt write those down as I go through that process.  These range from selling up and shipping out somewhere miles away through to going back into the rat race I was in before and all the associated things that may happen in between.  It's not going to be easy but then I'd be fooling myself if I thought it would be.


Like so many of these things, I can see where the problem is, I know it is temporary and I just need to work my way around to it.


On the up side, whilst my weight loss has slowed a fair bit, I am feeling a lot better my Blood Pressure is really good, perhaps as good as at the peak of my exercising activities about a year ago.  I intend to look at some exercises this week that will help me to lose a bit more and maybe they will help me.  I also need to work on ways of being more active during the day to also assist this.