I think too much, always have and it disturbs my sleep plus I'm not getting to sleep and then I'm finding it difficult to rouse myself in the morning. Why? Well it's dad really as more so now it is how he is that is making me lose a bit of sleep. It's the reality of what's about to happen of course but it is also the indignity of it. He doesn't like it being incontinent - he hasn't somehow lost his mind or his self esteem etc. The disease and it's symptoms has robbed him of that and somehow it doesn't seem fair to me that, at the end of your life, you have to suffer these indignities but obviously that's what happens and I hadn't paid much attention to it. Most people I know just died and I wasn't involved or they died very quickly.
So there you go, I am probably over reflecting on this and just adjusting my own expectations a bit now based on this. It's not difficult to see why the whole thing is distressing, you see your loved ones melt away before you. Dad is so thin now especially his arms and legs and a bit gaunt around his face. I'm guessing that the tumour is the only thing making his body look "normal". He's stuck in bed, hardly able to move and it is cruel and I find that distressing and worrying as I know what that would do to me. The whole process isn't what I thought it would be, I was hoping for a dignified and peaceful end to his life.
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