What to do?

It is a bit strange that I am still no nearer to considering what to do in the future.  I have done some work for one guy and other people can now see the "value" in using me and I'm still not absolutely sure that this is what I actually want or need to do.  It's one of those things that concern me as I really want to get on and do something and yet I don't actually know what it is I want to do.


It doesn't help with instability in the family with my dad and also here at home.  One is serious and the other is trivial but needs sorting just the same.  In a way what ever will be will be with dad and I will have to deal with that as and when it happens.  There will be the inevitable Kubler Ross stuff to deal with and there will be the need for a period of normalising for my mother.  We plan to have her down here with us and I think it might be nice to take her away on a holiday or have some time away at some point so that she can just take a little time away from the house.  I doubt it will be easy to have an empty house and all that entails.  I'm sure that we (my brother and I) wont let that happen.


Then there is some normalising to be done here.  It's coming up to my 6th Anniversary - it will be here very soon indeed.  I actually had some signs about two weeks earlier so in reality the very first show was about now six years ago.  I find myself, rather happily in a much better place than I could have hoped for back then but, of course a lot has happened to me since that time.  Some of that good and some of it pretty bad.  I have "an attitude" today that I didn't have back then and I have a much greater understanding of my abilities but perhaps I have never gotten my head around the one thing that really took a pounding and that's my relationship with my friends, my colleagues and my family.  I consider myself pretty lucky to have my family around me - today was nice and quite rare to see the girls and Mrs. F. all together - even in the same room (iPads permitting)!


What I think though is that I've strained things and now is the time to review and heal that or perhaps find out what the conclusion of those strains may be.  Anyway, that is something that needs to happen as soon as it can.  I'm feeling that much better these days that I can perhaps break away from my protective shell a bit and go do some living.  I just hoped that it wasn't just me wanting to do that - I fear it may be only me that sees things that way.  I mentioned 5 years ago that I thought there would be collateral damage and I fear that there may well be.  Somehow I feel my future may be served in a completely different way - but what do I know :-)