If I were to tell you that some of my friends - whether by design or not - have contributed to my well being by relentlessly taking the piss out of me you may not believe it but actually, that's what happens a lot! By this I mean that I am very happy for people to take the rise (piss) out of me as long as we all laugh about it and it IS funny. It mustn't be nasty but it can be black humour and it can be quite withering.
We met up briefly on Tuesday as I came back from one of my meetings but tonight we met up at my local and there was a quiz on - which is always a ball of laughs. We are - as I describe my daughter - as sensible as a box of frogs!! We got some real belly laughs out of the audience by answering the questions wrongly. The best one "Who is buried under Kings Cross Station" - answer is Boadicea - we yelled out was "The Northern Line" which is the underground tube line.... Well it got a muted laugh.
Quiz nights are all about having a good laugh and enjoying the company of the people there. We did that - it took some pressure off me tonight as I've heard some more about my dad and it is "good" news in that - contrary to my belief they want him to come home - which is the best place in reality but I was never sure that they could - as Jean Luc Picard says "make it so". They can indeed provide the equipment and the personnel to do this. In many ways this is what we have been trying for months to find out. I think that dad would be "happy to die at home" and that mum would be "happy to nurse him" there too. Given the proper levels of support that may be a much better thing than him being in a home or a hospice.
I'm surprised that this is an option but I will be very happy if it does come about and that dad can be at home until "the end", it will be much better than where he is now - we all hate it, it is not where dad should be. It is becoming upsetting to me now. Dad looks like someone who lived through Belsen and you just know what the outcome is going to be. for the moment my own life is on hold as I come to terms with his situation and also my own. The issue being here that all my friends from school, who I was out with tonight, had their fathers die on them over the past 6 years. One was sudden, one was quick and one was expected and they are very good to me as they understand the problems I have (as a cancer survivor) to see my father going through the final stages in his life in front of my eyes. At one time I foresaw this happening to me. It is distressing and only in the last few days have I actually felt emotional about it.
Last night I read the Marie Curie Nurses web site and the end of life piece and although I know what is going to happen I did have a very solemn moment - reflecting on what it meant to us all. I see that the person dying in some ways fades away but it is the knowledge that I may not be there at the end that somehow nags at me. I may explain this later on - it is to do with the "abuse" my mother took at her mother's funeral and how my brother and I turned out to be a little bit like the Kray Twins that day and a bunch of remote family were given a stark choice. No one ever makes my mother cry with ugly words. Hell I could have broken bones that day and I'm the quiet one. However whenever I get near these people, even today, they get the hell out of my way :-) You can upset me but not my family - ever. Not sure I'm quite Joe Pesci in Goodfellas but you can imagine my brother and I in that situation. Funny I should think of that at this time!
I feel that I need to go up next week to spend some time with my mum. I feel a bit of a fraud as I never felt dad would be allowed home but if that's what is going to happen then I'm pleased. I'm happy that he may be allowed to spend his last days with my mum and in his own house. I was beginning to hate the way he was being de-humanised by "the system" where he was. I hope that he gets home and finds some peace there.
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