Next Monday - 2nd July

Good grief - it will be 6 years on Monday since I first saw the presentation of my symptoms - pretty gross stuff called, gross hematuria, It wasn't good :-(  In fact it completely freaks you out if you can imagine peeing what looks like Claret...  Nope not a good day.  However, next Monday, 6 years on is a good day for A as she starts work at the National Gallery in London.  That should make that particular anniversary a more pleasant memory.


What a roller coaster of a ride this has been though.  Mind you, looking at my dad at the moment and thinking of what I had, I am pretty glad that I had something treatable and that I was able to fend it off (this time).  Things aren't great at the moment and I suppose it is only a matter of time before dad succumbs.  He has started to sleep for very long periods and is beginning to lose interest in food too.  Perhaps now is the time to be strong, I feel bad that I can't be there a bit more often but it just isn't possible.  Poor mum she has been constant at his bedside for 6 weeks now and it must be taking its toll.  She sounded very upset last night, especially as the homes thing isn't coming together and neither is dad cooperating.  He is a little angry and frustrated and I'm thinking that he hasn't "come to terms" with himself or his beliefs etc.


I find myself more emotionally fragile now than for some time because I'm not sure that I would be able to do that myself and I can only imagine the stuff that goes through your mind at this late period in your life.  He doesn't appear to be in any pain - which is good but I imagine that unless he makes a late rally, he is just going to slip away from us.  I dislike the idea of keeping him alive artificially but that isn't my call either.  I don't know if my mum was using that to warn him (my Granddad was fed with a tube for the remaining year or so of his life) that if he didn't eat or drink they would be forced to do this?  Hard times, I suppose I hadn't thought of end of life being quite so cruel but on reflection I suppose it has to take a while to shut down and the body is an amazing survival machine.  


It is my mum's birthday on Sunday, I can't imagine it being a great one.  My birthday a few days later, not sure I'll be celebrating it with gusto this year though.