Direction and Confidence

If you know me you'll know that I'm a pretty confident sort of person normally and I'm known to be  self-assured and know where I'm going and what I want to achieve and where I want to get to.  Well that is until about May of this year and in the 2 or 3 months I've been working out what to do with myself I'm not getting any closer to the reality.

Of course, dad dying was a big impact on my time and my thoughts and perhaps more so now as I reflect on that and also knowing that my dad was a healthy guy and I'm 6 years out on Cancer.  Stuff that happened around that time doesn't cut the mustard and going back to see my old company was like going back to an old favourite seaside town and finding it a big disappointment as it just never is like you remember and dream it was.   It was the time and the moment and you can't recapture that.  I look back to the exciting years building a business in London around the time when the communication and computerisation was really taking off and realise that it was a moment in time, exciting, crazy and in all probability was what resulted in my diagnosis.

I'm working my way through a business idea and doing some research into it.  I was about to do this before I went to the Charity 4 years ago but decided that I needed that particular bolt hole at that time.

For me, having cancer has completely thrown everything up in the air and made me question all sorts of things, it has messed (nearly used an Anglo Saxon word there) with my head in many ways.  I find myself actually wanting to just chuck it all in and go somewhere - I've no idea what to do or where to go, it's just a random feeling.  Some days I belong and others I don't, some days I'm up and some days I'm down, no rhyme nor reason for that either.  Some days I'm fed up with things and the next day I'm fine with them.

There was a certain direction I was following before I got cancer.  I had a reasonably successful business and had finally settled down into the "dream job" - something I had needed and where I could make a huge difference.   Bang - gone.  

Since then I've been in and out of jobs and schemes and businesses and the crazy thing is that I'm still no nearer answering the question now than I was then - what the hell am I going to do with myself?  

I'm not convinced that this research is going to lead me anywhere either at the moment as I can't find the market trends and can't see through all the noise that's out there.  If I get it right then it is a way to go but will I be happy?  Will the life that transpires make me any happier?

I can't seem to work out what I want to do, what direction to go in and that's all to do with different drivers.  By that I mean it isn't money and it isn't what I have now necessarily.  It isn't even to do with the industries I used to work in it;s all to do with health, happiness and enjoyment and whilst I'm not saying I don't have those, I don't appear to have any sort of balance with any of them.

It was all very different 7 years ago :-)