That hit the nail on the head

The Kindle is rather good - I have it set to deliver some newspapers and one of the joys of a Sunday used to be getting a couple of Sunday Papers and then spending the rest of the week reading them. Having them delivered electronically is a bit bizarre I know but there was an article in the Observer HERE that caught my eye. Bill Oddie, who may not be known outside of the UK was a mainstay of my younger life when he starred in the Goodies a quite surreal (at times) and often slapstick weekly series that has (sadly) never been repeated - these guys were pretty much superstars in their day. They all went on to other things and are still writing and in radio shows etc. Bill Oddie became a TV naturalist and whilst things like Springwatch and Autumnwatch may have their place in light entertainment - I actually wasn't convinced that Oddie and his co-presenter actually got on well together especially as if you doubled Kate's brain cell count it would have made 10. Bill disappeared a while ago suffering from Depression.

What on earth has this got to do with me and this blog you may rightly ask??

Well it was because this leapt off the page at me "It would be silly to pretend my mind is at rest. Last year was the worst of my life. It destroyed my confidence and identity."

That really stuck with me. I was talking to my Mum earlier today and saying that for the first time in years I actually feel really well, I'm getting things back into some sort of order, I'm getting myself fixed up and doing all those things that for 4 years (at least) I haven't done. Things just got put on hold, stuff I should have done hasn't been. When I look back and beyond the 4 years (you may recall that in hindsight I felt I had been ailing for a while before) I see that I just switched down all activities other than what was immediately important. A bit like the words with the dentist earlier in the week - it hasn't been on my list of things to get done until now. Suddenly life is more back on track and this week has been full on and productive and, dare I say it, optimistic.

A new optimism and a new outlook and I am absolutely certain that whilst I always portrayed things in a positive light, was able to see the funny side and be quite brutally honest (most of the time) that in reality, I was far more depressed and certainly, like Bill Oddie, had lost my identity and a fair amount of my confidence too. I know these are different illnesses but this is why that leapt of the page at me. Denial (not a river in Egypt btw) is perhaps too much of a word for it but certainly how about deflection and illusion maybe?

What I realised as I read this was that it suddenly answered some of those questions and here I am being so much more upbeat than I have been for ages. Actually tackling things that I left 4 years ago - head on - like these accounts Ii haven't completed (and it is only a few hours job). The will wasn't there, the belief wasn't there and neither was the energy or the confidence to tackle them. Along with many other things I'd rather not do something than do it. I'd rather talk about doing it but then not do it. My University thing was part of that - I needed it to prove I could do it and it was easier to not complete it (even given how ill I was) than to try and catch up. Now I could have knuckled down and have done that - then - I didn't have the drive, certainly not the energy and, as strange a sit may seem, my brain would not have coped with it. Now I feel I can work with all my brain, most of the physical energy I have and things like concentration and stamina are really good. I don't have the tired spells any more and feel what I guess is about 80% fit but certainly much much much better than I have for 6 or 7 years I think.

I feel for Bill Oddie and the results of his illness just resounded with the sort of stuff that now I look back at, realise I have been through.

I'm actually pleased, in an strange way, that I have been through these things, these "tests" if you will, that I've had a bit of a stare at the dark side and that I've had to work my way out of the abyss that was requesting the pleasure of my company. Why? I think that the experience and the lessons I've learnt can only help to serve me (and others perhaps) better for the future. Age and experience - that's what I've got now and if I can call on the experiences properly it can only make me stronger.

That's enough for a Sunday - back to the papers - or the eReader should I say.