3rd December - Judgement Day in Utah

Well, despite all my own problems I am concentrating on Steve in Utah who goes to see his Doctor tomorrow - 3rd December 2009 for a Poke and Peek, Flexible Cystoscopy to see how things have progressed.

Despite his own positive attitude and regime to beat this - I bet he is feeling, as I always do, some trepidation about the outcome. Such is the nature of our particular disease that it works on a number of levels. Statistics state that it can come back but in general those statistics are based on much older respondents that Steve or myself. Cancer plays with your head and so you actually have your brain (which is meant to be on your side) running every scenario you can ever imagine and - as far as I can tell it never has chosen the actual outcome or even been that near.

I imagine that sleep isn't happening and despite well knowing that Steve has done everything possible to secure the correct outcome I bet there is a little niggle gnawing away somewhere.

Anyway, let's not dwell on those little demons and gremlins that our brains store up for us. Let's make a worldwide wish that his procedure brings the best Christmas present you can get - no more treatment and a BIG signpost that says Recovery Ahead, Take this Route....

Catching up with me

I was tired yet again today and almost fell asleep at my desk for the 2nd time in as many days. I'm sort of OK but I will get to bed early tonight and see if I can't defeat this.

Most of my work is done and today was a matter of getting my article out and other elements of tidying up desk and getting ready for next year's onslaught starting in January.

I have some days off to take which I must sort out, sort out my invoices and a few talks which I will be giving in a week and a bit's time.

The crazy thing is that I just have hardly anytime between now and Christmas to get sorted out I am out on a number of days. Crazy!

Much Better

Just click to make it larger - not that either of us needs to be much larger of course!!

There will be a better picture soon

This is Flocky and a Dived Ref in full flight as the Blues Brothers. It is amazing that people actually thought we rehearsed it but we just like the film so much that we kind of went with the music.

So enjoy Jake (Flocky Bicep) and Elwood (A Dived Ref)

Did we have a good time or what?

Recuperation

Was the goal for today. I needed to get up late (mission accomplished), relax (managed to do that too) and get to bed early (totally failed at that).

I had a really good night on Saturday I haven't done that for years.

Off to bed now and let's see how the week pans out. I need to do some sorting out this week for my diary for December as it looks pretty full already.

Thoughts for this week are for Steve in the US who will have his poke and peek on Thursday and so prayers, crossed fingers and all good karma to be focused over there for the 3rd December. If clear - no more BCG treatment. Also keep a thought out for my friend JM over here. I saw him Friday and he had some serious issues with the initial TURBT as they managed to get him bleeding and had to reenter and sort it out. The scan was inconclusive but no spreading to the Lymph nodes which is good. Wishing JM all the best as he has another scan and a poke and peek too soon.

Awesome Flocky - Just Awesome

A word that I use very infrequently.  Flocky Bicep and I turned up to our Lodge Ladies' Night normally attired and then changed into Jake and Elwood - the Blues Brothers.  Flocky got the hats and they were exactly what we needed.  

We came on and did a cameo set for about 3 or 4 minutes and then I did my Disk Jockey bit for about an hour.  It really took me back and despite all the effort that went in, it was still a real buzz finding tracks to get people dancing.  Now I can remember why I used to get such a kick out of it when I was younger.  In those days we were well practised in the art of getting everyone up dancing, changing tracks to suit moods etc.  This time it was difficult as I had a much wider audience.  I did cheat and put on an 80/90s record to get them dancing.  We did really well as I had recorded enough music to last 4 weeks and used just one hour of that - which is a shame as so much was geared to the people there.

I am going to sleep well tonight.  We finished at 1 am and it is 1.35 now - I did a long set and then loads of dancing in character so I should have no problem in falling asleep and I may not be too fast getting up in the morning.

I really did let my hair down tonight and got stuck in to try and ensure everyone had a good time.  I am absolutely whacked out as we did the routine at the start and  carried on dancing until we finished.  PHEW!!!

I have really enjoyed myself tonight and I'm really glad that we had a good number to enjoy the evening with us.   I am not sure if  Flocky and I will ever make it as entertainers but we did try our best!

An interesting day

Well the evening was as I was out with my Nephew and I really enjoy an evening listening to him and having a bit of a laugh about work and goodness knows what else.

Work was - well - boring but the drudge is almost over as the documents are so near complete that I can hear them saying "print me".

I must sort myself out and get away from work for a while before I scream and do something stupid! I am likely to do that and self-destruct if I have to take any more brain numbing, pedantic semantic, committee driven nonsense.

In fact if I work this properly I can complete most of my outstanding work by mid December. Then there are the rounds of parties to attend but I can probably do that this year. Lat year I was going into Hospital (or wasn't) whatever the case maybe. Then I ended up not getting back to work until February!!!!

I am still working away getting ready for my Gig on Saturday as DJ Dave dididando or whatever they are going to call me. It will be a BIG nostalgia trip but I now realise that I have produced at least 30 hours worth of tracks for a 1 1/2 hour slot!!! Doh.

I find that I am quite moved by listening to some tracks that I haven't heard for 25 or more years though. Some of the tunes brought memories flooding back to me of my young, care free days. Ahhhhhh. Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

Pitiful

It really is crazy and I finally got to sort out some odds and ends of work today that have been hanging about but even so the titivating about was just pitiful as the odd change here and there actually cause the rest of the story to read wrong and then you have to make more changes and before you know it you are back to the article and story you first had.

Luckily it is almost over and done with for this year bar the shouting - in 4 weeks time (yes just 4 weeks) it will be the last day at work although I might just take longer off again.

I am so tired too but I think it is boredom and utter frustration that are doing this - work is just a drudge at the moment and whilst I am sure it will get better in the New Year I'm still not certain that I can continue to numb my brain like this for long periods of time. It isn't built for it.

Nearly lost it again today

I've outgrown my job and to get my work back 4 or 5 times today with minor amendments on it was almost too much this morning. Why these people can't do what I've been doing for 20 years which is change the document themselves is beyond me. I think that our catch up interview is going to be interesting in a week or two.

I spent most of the day messing around on pedantic semantics and not getting on and doing my job. By the time the afternoon came I had accomplished the square root of sweet Fanny Adams! Then I just wanted to go home and go to sleep. I find it tedious and not a little demeaning that I am treated like some clerk and my patience is beginning to slip because no one seems to get it into their heads that drudgery and routine are not something I search out. It may be fine for my colleagues to turn up day after day and do the same thing in some mechanical no thought manner but in reality, doing that to me is like caging a wild beast in very small cage. I'm going to rip your arm off and eat it or beat you over the head with it or something silly because you are oppressing my natural tendency to be creative. Kill that off and there isn't any reason to hire me. If you want a clerk, hire a clerk. The trouble is I can hear myself saying this to the boss in a week or two as it IS what they need to do.

Other than that - this week looks to be as busy as you like. Plenty of things going on lots of meetings and parties to go to. I just hope that I survive in my job to the end of the week!

A weekend of preparing

For next weekend. I have a party next Friday and a Lodge meeting preceding that and then on Saturday we have a Ladies' Night for the Master of our lodge which is a themed 60s and 70s evening. I'm really pleased that Flocky has stepped up to the plate and organised an outfit for me so the two of us will be going as the Fabulous Blues Brothers - one of my favourite films and a tribute to the automotive industry in the US - We have a scrappage scheme for kick starting our motor industry. All the US needs to do is let the Blues Brothers loose for a week and everyone will need a new car!

As an Ex-DJ I have to do a set or two on the evening and the discos these days do not have Record Decks - oh no - they have CD decks - so I have been transferring vinyl to disk most of the weekend as well as being out yesterday to attend this Lodge meeting where my Friend initiated his son.

That was a very emotional and touching ceremony. I drove his son there and chauffeured them around arriving back about 2 am. They were laughing at me as I was drinking Tomato Juice and Worcester Sauce all night and - sure - I'd have liked to whack a couple of Vodkas in there but the main thing was that THEY had a good evening and I was able to provide transport for them to and from their door and they could just get on and enjoy themselves.

I was up at a half reasonable hour this morning but have been stuck on the deck and burning CDs all day which has been a bit tedious - nothing is ever as easy as you think it is going to be!

Having a day off

Appears to have helped my temperament but I also took time off so I could pursue my other business interest and that got cancelled on me so I wasn't best pleased that I had behaved myself the night before, gotten up and then found that the conference call had been cancelled.

Today should be interesting my friend's son is being initiated into his Father's Lodge and I have the privilege of going to collect his son in an hour or so and escorting him to the hall and I'll get to drive him and his dad back tonight. I will - for once - not have anything to drink and that will probably do me good anyway, I drank enough on Thursday to have used my whole month's units :-)

I'm looking forward to seeing him getting initiated he is allowed to join younger because his dad is a member - normally you have to be 21, he is 18 but has always wanted to become a member as most of the immediate family are members. I went out and chatted to him last week and he too is looking forward to today. There will be a lot of people there including the Provincial and Deputy Provincial Grand Masters and I'm sure a string of other dignitaries too. A memorable day for all I hope.

Venting my spleen

It was an interesting committee meeting - one in which I made my point quite firmly and perhaps a little too firmly but I reckon that the point is made and I now have the opportunity to go and work on it.

I hope that they appreciate it but I don't think too many actually understood the rationale behind revisiting the strategy of the area I am working on. Ho hum, maybe we can get there and I can get back to making a difference. If not - perhaps I'll not be there shortly....

The niggling little cough is still just about there and I'm feeling OK. I had another one of those strange things occur. I was sitting down and suddenly felt like I wanted to light up a cigar, after all this time and after all this damage - how strange.

A lie in

That was good - I managed to get a long lie in and found out afterwards that I didn't really need to get up as my conference call has been cancelled.

I am still surprised that I am in relatively good shape after the "normal" evenings out drinking with these guys.

At least a day at home for recovery. Off again tomorrow for an afternoon and evening out. I think I will have a day out with no drinking and see if I can manage that.

Well that was nice

Out with old friends and we ended up at a really nice gastropub place.

An out of the world Fruit De Mer to start with Old English Pork followed by a Spanish Cheese Board.

3 or was it 4 bottles of red wine and a good three or four beers before hand. Worryingly I got home in one piece stayed awake all of the way - I did cheat with Taxis to Charing Cross from Euston and to the end of my road. A couple of pints of water will, I am certain, stave off too much overnight dehydration but I am surprisingly sober.

I went out with these guys some time ago and I'm still getting flashbacks of that night now. It would be easier to list all the bars, clubs and restaurants we didn't go to in the Greater London area than list the ones we visited!!!

The three wise men out on an evening - as luck would have it - we have calmed down a lot and I actually got home this time. They are staying in an Hotel in London.... Good for them!

Niggling cough

Today the same dry niggling - not quite a real cough kept me annoyingly coughing throughout the day. I had a better day today and got plenty done but in fact I really still didn't enjoy it much. I have a new project to look at which is nice and some new challenges to look at. I'm still uncertain as to whether I really want to do them.

I have my meeting tomorrow and am out with some old friends in the evening although I hope not for too long as this cold feels as if it is about to break.

I managed to get a little revenge in tonight. My colleague packed paper and bits in a load of my files but I was in early enough to clear it all out and so not make a fuss. This was a while ago. Today she arrived in wearing a hat. I was able to put some paper clippings in that and I hope to find her pretty annoyed with me in the morning as she hadn't gone home when I did and would have an interesting moment when putting on the hat.

I am having Friday off, I need to catch up on a lot more work at home and I need to sort out records for a 60s and 70s disco that I am being DJ for in a few weeks time. Life is busy and work is the opposite. I just need to get through tomorrow's meeting with the Chairman and the rest of my Committee. I will see if I can steer them in to the committee I deserve. At the moment, sometimes it feel like a punishment from hell rather than anything else.

As I said to my colleague

I am getting pretty annoyed with the general level of my health these days - this year in particular has just been one niggle after another. I'm sure that some of it is actually a bit of protection for myself. If I get really annoyed at work then it is sometimes good that I am not there to "quit" or do some other self destructive series of actions. I can do that and have in my past. However, unless this is just figment of my imagination - I do appear to have had a series of odd things happen to me.

One thing after another though - can you believe I now have a sore throat and a dry cough - just an irritating cough every few minutes but that's enough.

I wonder if some of it is to do with work and my heart not really being in it at the moment. Today was just dire and I fell asleep at my PC again this afternoon. There is nothing really exciting happening and the Christmas Cards arrived today and no one quite realises it but apart from my committee meeting on Thursday my year's work is pretty much wrapped up.

The trouble is many think that I actually do other things in the organisation where, in fact, I just enable them for others. There just isn't any ownership and so it looks as if it is my doing.

Anyway, I'm certain that there is some truth in the fact that I really can't be bothered sometimes to drag my sorry arse all the way to London to sit and stare at a PC screen and help someone complete their Excel spreadsheet!

He has an "unusual" sense of humour

How I was described, rather nicely I thought. We were discussing my macabre, surreal and eccentric humour and how I can see funny things that many cannot.

Picture that we are in a club, near a railway and the front door is alarmed to make a two tone noise as people enter and leave through the security door. It is very quiet and not many people are in the room and the door alarm goes off, just the once.

"Wow" said I, "that was a really tiny train wasn't it?"

Now - if you can put yourself in the place of my audience of about 5 people. 3 got it immediately and burst into laughter, one joined a little later and one sat blank faced for about a minute and then got it. To even connect the railway behind the club and the alarm sound is a long leap and so for anyone to actually pick up on it was pretty good.

I have a lateral brain and it picks up connections and parallels in conversation and (thank goodness) is back to almost as sharp as it used to be. I love the spontaneity and sheer pythonesque qualities of my sense of humour. I also like the very dark stuff too - although it doesn't wash with my parents who never got the funny side of my Tee Shirt "I'm Not Dead Yet!" and still don't. Well if it was your child talking like that about their cancer what would you think?

My personality keeps me going. My whole family have the most in tune sense of humour you can imagine. A room full of us are about as controllable as a barrel load of monkeys. Each would feed off the other. My kid Brother and I can spark a series of conversations on the phone which comprise, humorous lines, mimicry of almost any dialect and language you want, old and new punchlines, completed by each other in real time and in stereo and still have some room to get in a few digs at each other. The verbal fireworks are great - it is who I am, it what people expect of me and I do try and deliver a "good performance" and be on my best form as it is one of the reasons I feel I should survive and be around a bit longer. A smile and bit of humour and some wit and repartie contribute to living - its what it is all about. All the time your are down and upset are wasted moments and if only everyone could be a little looser, a little less uptight the world would be a much nicer place.

I am determined to be good humoured no matter what and spread good feelings as life is too short and it ain't a rehearsal. Shame it takes quite such a threat to my life to make me see it though.

As exciting as it gets

Stuffed about 1,000 envelopes today. Had food, came home.

Nuff said!

Work tomorrow

Not looking forward to it really. I don't know why but I've a real downer on work and the last few days at home have meant I have been able to get a good run at some of my paperwork.

I think I might need to work out what is left to do this year and sort out if I can get the remainder of the work done and spend less time in the office. I tend to think I can.

My leg still hurts a bit I just hope tomorrow isn't too bad getting in to work.

Oh Hell

Heard tonight that someone I know reasonably well has Prostate Cancer - the worst scenario - 20+ Radios on their way for his lottery. For lottery it surely must be as there is little to be gained from radical work - these are the last throw of the dice. How terrible to have that in your sights.

At our meeting tonight my friend and I are pronounced as being clear, technically in remission and the to hear that our colleague was this bad was just so devastating. I bumped into someone unknown to me before tonight and he was telling me that his wife had just months to go before she dies from some other particularly nasty form of disease that will render her blind first and then death will follow quite soon. It makes me shudder writing it.

Despite all of that we had a good evening and met up with some people we haven't seen for ages.  Just a shame about the other news.

Not in work today either

I can't say that I feel any better today really.  I got dressed and can still feel this cut / abrassion against my trousers and I know that if I walk any distance I'll set it off again.  So I've stuck a load more cream on it and decided that discretion is the better part of valour.  I can do my work from here for a while.

I am getting fed up of this time off work but I know it is better to do this than to go in today and end up twice as bad ready for next week when I need to be in.

At  least the weekend awaits and I can get a few days R&R in before heading back to the office.

Battling with myself

I find that I'm constantly beating myself up and questioning things and I've done that most of my life. I am very critical of my own work and I expect others to be as good if not even better than me. I'm no perfectionist but I like a job done well and I like to work with professionals and people who inspire me. I like to learn new things and see how different approaches to a problem can help me solve that in a more elegant fashion.

I'm continuing working on this "other" project and it is really exciting but I'm getting impatient to get stuck in and really give it a go. It probably wont be until the end of Q1 next year but it will just be so interesting to work on and to produce something really interesting. The current job doesn't inspire anymore as it is dealing with the same old, same old and how anyone can have a job that never actually produces anything but just keeps the wheels turning is beyond me and YES - I know we have to have jobs and industries and people like that but I'm not one of them and I just don't get it :-)

All the time I beat myself up because I'm not delivering or I'm not achieving what I could do. I tell you that I am coming back on stream with avengence and getting back to my old self. I don't have the energy but I sure do have the brain power back which I can tell you I have really missed. I get the odd word wrong and it takes me a little while to remember things and names but in reality my mind is working at a speed and at a level of lateral and creativity that I am now much happier with. If you go back a year or so, you may recall that the treatment was making me forgetful and lethargic whereas now - I feel I am climbing back towards the levels I used to have. All I need is the energy and fitness to catch up with my brain and I can announce that I am back.

A little better today

Still feeling this nasty raw patch on my leg - it really hurt yesterday and I think I've got things under control so I can get into work tomorrow. What a nuisance - I have no idea how I did it.

I seem to have had so many ailments in the past 3 and a half years which have made up for my near 30 year clear run!! If anything comes along I appear to get it. Got the Dizzy spells, that awful cold and infections earlier this year, this problem with my leg and all sorts of stupid little niggles. I'm actually getting quite p1ssed off with being not 100%.

I shouldn't moan and I should be aware there are people far worse off that I am but even so, I just never seem to feel on top of my game, 100%, fit, healthy, the right weight and all that good stuff. It is frustrating not depressing.

I still wonder whether I ought to look to have a short rest period away from work just to sort myself out and get my head and body back into some sort of shape.

These two days have actually been quite good as I haven't been able to do much and so have sat down and actually got stuck into some of my outstanding paperwork.

At Home - on a Wednesday

Strange - it is early morning and not unlike last week, I am at home. This time it is more to do with managing to hurt the inside of my leg. I did this yesterday and I've scrapped the inside of one of my thighs and so it kept getting caught on the seam of my trousers and rubbing. It was pretty cold yesterday as well and by the time I got to work I was feeling a little sore. By the time I got home I needed to go and put some cream on it. This morning I thought all was well but find that it isn't really. It needs a bit of rest.

I can work from home - the office is aware - or will be wen they get in and I am set up to work from here.

Yesterday was again a boring day and I was falling asleep at my desk. I think I remember last year being this bad too. There is little real work to get your teeth into and what work there is appears to be bitty and mundane.

I hope that I will be OK to go out later today. I am due to a meeting this afternoon and just hope that my leg has calmed down a bit by then.

That was bound to happen

Absolute standstill this afternoon. The web site has been updated and is now in test and what's worse, the Christmas Card is now agreed and in production. All the mailings have been done and my time sheets and invoice are all up to date.

I'm sat here wondering quite what to get stuck into. Time is dragging and I am scratching around trying to sort out what 5 minute jobs there are.

The trouble is that there really isn't that much left to do until January! How worrying is that.

Not looking forward to the coming week

I need to be diplomatic and not actually tell everyone what I think this week :-)

The past few weeks have definitely seemed to be testing my patience and ability to continue to work on a load of mundane tasks.  It bores the hell out of me.

I'm obviously getting better.  I'm still tired but my mind appears to be back to its need to do something a little more creative than this job allows me to be.   I'm finding the hum drum day-to-day work is wearing a little thin.  It's nice to be the do-er and someone who provides all the support at the office but that is little comfort when it has taken 3 or more months to get to a final of our Christmas Card and it is still not finished and people STILL want to change it.

Remebrance Sunday

I always find the service moving but for the first time in years I was actually out and went down to Gillingham and back to get some of my Regalia to be invested as a Grand Officer next month.

They've made some massive improvements to the road and all the roadworks are now gone so I flew down there and back in about half the time I thought it would so I did get to see the end of the service.  It was interesting to see that I could get to the new International Rail Terminal in about 20 minutes.  It makes Paris and Brussels less than 3 hours away!

Today is a lazy day.  Watch TV, catch up on emails and generally chill out before the next crazy week at work.  I hope to be able to keep my calm this week - I find it quite testing at the moment but that could be that I realise that there isn't much of a job left.

Now that you come to mention it

I said I had found the early letters and here are a few of the actual words on the one after the first operation:

"His Bladder tumour was a G3P T1 so [sic] so with earlier invasion and I have explained this to him.  It was a moderate size so it does represent potential risk to him and I have explained that we will need to do  a further Cystoscopy and Biopsy to improve the staging. "

That was a long time ago though and it was interesting coming across the letter again.   It brought it back to me and that conversation with my Consultant when she explained the full gravity of this particular diagnosis.  

It is amazing how things have progressed from there.  The potential risk has diminished but the "potential" is always there.  It was explained that there is a significant chance of a recurrence but the longer you stay clear then the risk goes down.

It was quite good to see these and just remind myself of my good fortune.  

I didn't expect to get back that late

But I eventually caught the 23:15 train home! I went out with my Nephew who is back from Luxembourg for good and my work colleagues had also come over. I ended up going home a lot later than I thought I would.

The new car is here and looks very nice indeed. Everyone seems happy apart from my wallet which is creaking and groaning under the strain :-).

I pulled out some of my papers and found the original letter from the Hospital confirming my diagnosis. It made quite sombre reading. Especially the words "It is quite a significant threat to him."

Now the Vice Chairman

Of the London Lunchtimers.  www.lunchtimers.org 

But Flocky has just dropped me a line to say his dizzy spells have come back and I have to say - now that he mentions it - so I can feel every so slightly the same.  Mind you I had one of my sneezing fits tonight (runs in the family and we don't sneeze once - we sneeze with rhythm!).

I was explaining to someone today how important it was to have a mundane job and then why I hated it so much.  A strange twist in my outlook as I now feel so under utilised that I can take almost 4 days off this week and still have completed all I need to do!

Other than the risk of getting the dizzy spells back I do hope to get in to work tomorrow as I have an appointment I'd like to keep with our PR compatriots in the other charities.

Even Keeled

Or I appear to be now.  How strange that was.  I did a quick check on my Blood Pressure and I was normal but low for me 128 / 90.  I did go downstairs and take things easy - easy enough to fall asleep for an hour or so and I've gradually felt better.  Now I am about to go to bed and I can still notice that I have been a little off balance but nowhere near the feeling that I was about to pass out that I had earlier in the day.  That was most weird.

I missed going to my Lodge meeting tonight but if I'd have collapsed there it wouldn't have been much fun either.  

Tomorrow is a busy day again, I hope that I'll be able to last through as I have a conference call tomorrow to sort out some figures and a lunchtime appointment which I am looking forward to as I should be voted the Vice Chair of a dining club and that will give me something to do in the next few years!  If I do get voted on then this time next year I take the chair.

So off to bed and hopefully the wobbly balance stuff will be gone in the morning.  It is always a worry when you wander around as if drunk and yet have been nowhere near alcohol.

Good Old Flocky

Was on the phone to me to see how I was.  Strange thing this dizzy stuff, he had the same yesterday and so perhaps something going around.  It is the most strange feeling.

Mrs F. just told me that perhaps I need to slow down a bit and take things easy.  I can't think that I have been overdoing it but as she rightly reminded me I've been in my office for 12 hours yesterday and a good 8 already today.

I think I shall take my own advice then and go and sit downstairs and take it easy.  I was due out but have now cancelled that (although I've given myself a buffer of an hour on that decision).  I really wanted to go but sometimes I need someone to reflect back the advice I'd give to others which is go and sit quietly downstairs and take it easy for a short while then see how you feel.

Perhaps overdoing it is a bit too far but time to take it easy nonetheless.

What is this?

I feel most peculiar.  I've come over all dizzy and light headed.  Not quite feinting but nevertheless not good.

I'm going to sit outside for a while and get some fresh air and might have to go and lie down.  I don't need a cold or anything else right now - I have too much to do.

Nearly Cured - Prevention

As I walk around I see people putting their health at risk all the time and I feel sorry for them.  I see young people smoking and I wonder what health problems they are storing up for themselves in the future.  Some people who can hardly walk or waddle along as they are so overweight and you just know that Diabetes and heart problems are just waiting in the wings.

Steve in the US has written a number of extremely interesting blogs about lifestyle and the latest 2 here and here have really made me sit up and think.  

One of the major things I did was to cut down on sugar and I changed my lifestyle.  I was a bit binary at the begining causing myself all sorts of trouble.  I wanted things fixed in a few days and in reality changes take a little longer than a few days do do.  I also overdid most things.  SImple diet changes include increased fruit and vegetable intake and what I thought was a good idea to reduce my sugar intake, cut right back on salt and also cut back on processed items as much as possible.  

Invariably you cannot cut everything out but you can take many steps to do so.  As my Doctor told me "Don't live like a Hermit".   However the shock is around the changes I made in sugar as I moved away from sugar and in doing so cut down caffeine.  I used sweeteners to replace the sugar.  It appears that these may have adverse affects on my bladder.  Sugar, as you can see from Steve's research, and Cancers tend to go hand in hand.   So I am now looking at cutting these down too.  I am sure I cannot just give them up but I will phase them out.  It is going to make my occasional Espresso taste different but then maybe I'll allow myself the odd one every now and then.  

There are a number of things you can do to gradually change your lifestyle and reducing salt, sugar and saturated fats are some of them.  I can't be arsed to go to extremes on this though.   We all know that a balanced meal using fresh ingredients, plenty of fruit and vegetables and ensuring that your fibre intake is correct etc. all lead to better health and that together with moderate exercise also help.  Balance Diet - those two words say it all.  Don't live like a Hermit, don't become obsessed and faddy with food.  If you happen to be tempted by a huge Jam Doughnut today, grab some fruit later or tomorrow.  After all you can treat yourself once in a while can't you?

Good Grief

Charlie Brown! What a week it has been. the windows and doors were fixed today, the girls bought a new car and I don't suppose the spending will have stopped there. I've paid for A's Hasselblad Camera - although - to be fair she is paying me back. I've had to buy a new Laser Printer as it is cheaper than buying supplies for my old (15 months) one! What is the world coming to when I can buy a printer cheaper than the supplies that go in it and it is cheaper to throw away the old one than get the new stuff for it? What a crazy world we live in.

I'm at home again tomorrow and hope to get a bit more work done. I've been pretty busy setting up the new printer and looking after the window guy so managed only a little today. At least I wasn't at work where I threw a spanner in earlier as the Christmas Card supplier cannot print our specials and get them back to us until early December if I gave them the finalised card now. Interestingly enough, the committee are still messing about with it and so maybe they will sort them that out by the time I get back. Oh look pigs just flew by my window.

Oh well - off to bed - to see if another night's sleep will improve things!

It is actually hard to cope with being this tired

I'm bumping along the bottom of fitness at the moment and last night was a prime example of what my tiredness is like. I went to bed late around about midnight - I didn't need to be up until about 8 and so figured that this would work out fine for me.

I woke at least 3 times during the night feeling uncomfortable and made my way to the bathroom but I really felt sleepy, as if I could go to sleep on my feet each time.

I automatically wake at 5:18 every morning just before my alarm goes off, I knew I wasn't at work and so went back to sleep. My alarm went off at 7:45 and I did no more than turn that off and eventually dragged myself out of bed.

I'm glad that I will be at home today and tomorrow so that I can catch up and this is after just one day at work! It almost beggars belief that I can feel so lethargic.

The problem is this isn't feeling tired like you can for a day or two, this just goes on and on and on. Sure there are good and bad days associated with it and I'm not getting any worse thank goodness hence my comment bumping along the bottom. The answer has to be to get even more exercise and to work on my diet further. Both aren't easy considering that I leave the house at just gone 6 in the morning and get back around about 6:30 and so my time is severely limited.

I ought to face up to the facts that I ought to be doing something at work (despite the fact that I walk a fair distance each day to and from the stations at either end). However, to get a routine would be difficult to achieve such is my crazy schedule of meetings etc. Additionally it just isn't something I particularly "get". Going to a Gym and then coming back to work or even going before or after work.

I realise that the solution is in my control and so I need to work out what to do.

It is November

And the Christmas adverts are in full flow. Not that these are the first - oh no - we have been bombarded throughout October. Worse than that I saw my first one in July - YES - July.

Every day is Christmas for me of course.

At least we didn't get any Halloween visits this year and the fireworks ave been kept to a minimum for the past few days by the rain.

So - what else can I blog about apart from just being generally a bit offish at the moment. Work isn't great and I just don't seem to feel motivated but that is just one of those things. I know work is going to be frustrating and annoy the hell out of me tomorrow and so a few days off work will sort it out no doubt.

Here I go again

I haven't worked for an organisation for longer than 18 months for - O - I suppose 35 years. I may have worked for the same company for longer but I've always worked on different customer's sites and for the duration of a project.

It is 20 months since I started at the Charity and I'm getting to that point in my job that it really is beginning to get - well - boring. The people are great but the work is now routine and mundane. The big project is delivered and I'm now struggling with "committee authoring". This fannying around and arguing semantics is wearing extremely thin at the moment. I have decided to take a few days off and to space out my working and that will perhaps help with the anger management bit.

Certainly this week I need to just pull away from the office a little bit as I'm certainly not enjoying things there at present.

That was nice

A day out with the in-laws and the family. Up to Covent Garden - within sight of my office and then on to see Sleeping Beauty which was nice enough. Ballet is OK but they do overdo the pas de deux bit in the last act - we managed to get back in time to get A off to work on time despite one of the trains being cancelled.

Covent Garden is always lively enough at the weekend and it was a bit of a shame to have to dash back.

A nice Saturday for a change.

Another Day Off of Work

I woke as normal at 5:20 but I'd had a bit of a disturbed night. The problem is one of sustained energy and I've been out and about two or three times this week. When I woke up I just felt tired out and wanted to go back to sleep. A good 4 hours later I was fine.

It at least gave me a rest and time to do some work at home including some of my other business work.

I really could do with a number of days off work to try and catch up with other things that are backing up. I think that I will try and sort out some time off next week and once again find that I have so many things on that my work and social life are somewhat at conflict with one another.

In other news - a new car is on the cards as Mrs F and A have test driven a car that they like and no one can find anything wrong with the other car and no one has confidence in it anymore.

We are off tomorrow to see Sleeping Beauty at the Opera House Covent Garden so looking forward to that although it is right next door to my office so a bit of deja vu there then!

Mr Angry and my Anger Management Course

I cannot believe how angry I am these past few days. I finally want to BURST and give people a piece of my mind. It seems so absurd that such trivial things become major issues and listening to the bleating going on just makes me want to go sort things out for them.

Of course I am too polite (most of the time) to do that but every now and then someone catches the "benefit" of my acid tongue.

I really wanted to go and slap someone around today who patently had no idea what they were on about and wittered away and really needed divine intervention by way of a lightning bolt or a large stick of dynamite shoved up their backside to try and reverse the flow!

I was confiding to a friend tonight that I really needed to decide what I wanted to do as I could so easily walk away from my job tomorrow to stop me physically biffing someone for being a prize arsehole or, a jobsworth! People really can irritate the hell out of me sometimes.

Tuesday

Was a very busy day and I was out at lunch and later on in the evening out with the old school chums - hence no posting.

I was tired as anything today and work was OK I suppose. Tomorrow is a crazy day as all sorts of things happen in London and I am off to a meeting for an artistic company to look at what they might be able to do image wise for us and then on to a meeting of my other business concern. My mate is off to Dubai for a month and so it is the last chance I get to see him before he goes.

It is all rushing about - and it doesn't stop as next week looks to be filling up too.

Health wise - I'm OK - I met lots of people yesterday who are happy about my situation which is good. I just hope that it continues.

Been A Long Day - Happy Birthday Blog

Yes it has been a long day for me and it is the Blog's 3rd Birthday today so well done blog! We are out of the terrible twos now and past the turbulent threes and into our fourth year.

I went out today around 2 pm and have just got back. We went over to Essex for a lodge meeting and had a great time - most enjoyable. It is one of the great joys of vi sting that you can just sit back and enjoy yourself. I met some lovely people and had a great evening.

We got back here in time to have a last beer at my local.

Tomorrow - I'm off again for a lunchtime event and then out in the evening with my mates from school! I will be completely wiped out by tomorrow evening and it doesn't stop there either - more later on this week too.

Conflicting Advice

Well A is back and that was an expensive lesson to learn all around. The car is now dumped on the drive and is looking sorry for itself. Hopefully we can get it fixed quickly and get it back on the road.

Depends on who you listen to on what the trouble is and how difficult/easy it is to fix it.

Did we take out tow cover on the car?

No of course not. A is now stuck on the hard shoulder of the M25 and will probably need towing home. Apparently the garage couldn't work out that the flickering battery light was a failing alternator - no shit Sherlock!

So we have to wait now to see what the action is going to be. Probably a hefty bill for the tow and the repair bill. Great.

At least we had the breakdown cover I suppose. Mind you I'm still less than happy about making a journey of that length in a car that wasn't fit to do it. I'm sure that they knew I would have questioned the decision given those facts.

Oh well - let's hope everyone learnt a lesson this weekend.

It may not be apparent

But one of the huge things that happens to you is that your self esteem and your confidence take a terrible knock when you get Cancer. It takes lots of conscious effort to do things you used to do before and take as granted. Not so much everyday things but for me, if you look back, getting onto a train, working a 9 to 5, going to a concert and other things brought on panic attacks and an attack of the jitters.

You can't always build yourself up and you can't as easily switch on the charm. Being and playing the part of host (like yesterday) takes a massive amount out of me these days both physically and emotionally. Sure I'll recover but the build up to such things and the events themselves tend to be little ordeals in their own right.

So if you wonder why I have huge mood swings in my writing it is most probably that I'm in preparation mode for something when I could be low or after an event when I could be high. What you don't need when you are low and forcing yourself onwards is yet another piece of news or event to make you feel worse than you already are - such as the last few day's posts. There were a series of events last week that did little to improve my overall outlook.

Anyway, that is behind me but remember that you aren't always delivered the real me in any of this stuff, sometimes it is clearly linked to how I feel and my level of self esteem and confidence at the time. That can change quite quickly.

And so ends

One of the busiest days of the year made no easier by worrying about my daughter and getting a shocking onset of the glums. I was with a friend this afternoon who is dying and is under care of the local Hospice. He lives life for every day, to the full and just gets on with it. he isn't going to die this side of Christmas and maybe not even next year but if he got a nasty cold or Flu or some infection that could well see him off. Now that's the sort of thing that happily isn't my situation but I think it is fair to say that he and I fully understand that attitude and most people who haven't had a critical illness can only imagine.

I have a pessimistic view and I reckon that something will get me sooner or later. I've had a guy I know die this week, I've talked to this chap today and sometimes I am just a bit down. Today though, I was really doing well, I had my table in stitches and we had a good laugh and I hope that everyone enjoyed themselves. Flocky and I worked really hard to make sure everything worked well and it did!

I'm probably feeling more up than down at the moment but it is just one of those things. Just because everyone is out to get me doesn't mean I'm Paranoid - or does it?

Finally

Nailed some shut eye about 2:30 after hearing that all was OK and that the car was fixed and back on the road.

Up now, showered and soon be ready to go off to my meeting. There are only three of these a year but they are a lot of hard work. I thought that I wouldn't be doing this one this time but ended up staying on another year. Perhaps I will get away next time.

Living on my own

In a house full of people. It's a bit like that episode of Star Trek where half the crew were in a time shift and no one could see them but they were actually there.

It is getting a bit like that here. No one tells me what is going on, somehow I have to use my psychic senses. Things just happen and I'm told afterwards if at all. People just wander off and don't say goodbye, goodnight or sod all. I can be waiting up for one of the girls to come home and be told didn't I say they were staying over at .... perm any one from 50 names. I suppose I just had to guess that A was driving to Wales this weekend.

We don't even sit in the same room anymore which can be a bit bizarre, the magic room syndrome and either I'm going crazy or that is just the way it is these days. I can sit in one room all night and not see another soul and yet they can be heard moving in and out of the kitchen and up and down the stairs. I can enter a room and someone will leave. Sometimes I enter rooms and the TV is playing to itself like the Marie Celeste of houses.

I've actually got to the point where I'm sort of past caring about it. I haven't quite played their game back on them yet like just disappearing off and then telling them later but perhaps that may be a future ploy.

I'm just sitting back and doing the "people watching" bit and wondering what the hell has happened here? It is like a train wreck happening around me all in slow motion and I'm wandering through it and all chaos just washes over me. I cannot imagine that I've changed so markedly that no one needs to talk to me or consult me but perhaps I'm completely non approachable now and perhaps there is something downright scary about me. Whatever it is that is going on here feels pretty strange and it seems to be the way that everyone reacts. I wonder if it is like that film The Sixth Sense and I'm really a ghost and no one knows I'm here and I died sometime ago? Maybe I died in July 2006?

By the way - I am writing this sober and without the aid of mind bending drugs in case you were wondering :-)

I'm just moving around in a different place to all these people that are my family - how strange is that?

I can't get away this side of Christmas myself unfortunately - I have something on each week to screw me up. I felt I needed to get a break to sort myself out a bit. I've decided not to try and walk through any walls or doors just in case my assertion is wrong!

Now to hang around and see what the hell is happening to my daughter stuck awaiting the breakdown man.

That is the end of a night's sleep then

Big girl A is stuck at a service station somewhere along the M4 - can't get the car started and needs to call the breakdown people. Pretty lucky then that breakdown cover was taken out just a few days ago? That's what I thought too......

That is either amazing foresight or - oh I see - so a warning light has been flashing and no one has done anything about it - you've sent my daughter off in a car that now is stuck in the middle of nowhere just gone midnight and you'd like me not to worry (now that you have woken me up) and come back to bed as I've got a heavy day tomorrow.

Perhaps you note the sarcasm in my voice? I get pretty p1ssed off that somehow everyone is sorry about it now and I have a daughter in the middle of nowhere crying her eyes out. I bet it turns out to be my fault somewhere along the line! Guaranteed that one is.

She isn't answering her phone - maybe she is talking to the breakdown people. But what were they thinking about why not run the car into service and get it checked out for goodness sake, how difficult can that be? They knew she had a few hundred miles to do this weekend - although this is the first I've found out that she was going away for the weekend - that also tends to happen a lot. Maybe I don't listen to anyone?

I suppose I had better get ready to drive down there if things don't go right. Bloody typical - they'd have known that I wouldn't have let her go in a dodgy car if I had known about it and fixing it isn't a problem - hell its not as if we can't afford to service a car.

So I have had my rant and that is probably my sleep gone for the next several hours so I might as well have stayed up until 4 am anyway.

What have I missed

The preparation work is done. I've completed all the paperwork fro tomorrow and I can hardly believe it. Normally I am struggling on until 3 or 4 in the morning. I suppose I've had a whole day off to do it and also I have a new assistant in young Flocky who has taken miles of the pressure off me this time.

It will be interesting to see quite how it goes tomorrow. Numbers are OK but slightly down on normal perhaps because it is half term.

Anyway, we will see I am looking forward to an interesting day and having a couple of beers and a glass or two of wine as a reward!

It's been 4 years

One of the very worst things I had to do. Had A & L with me with my parents in a Flower Nursery place and got a mobile call from my cousin. My Uncle had just died - my Mum's younger Brother. I had to tell my Mum what had happened. I'd taken the kids up to see their grandparents and this happened. They were great really and they did what they were told and let me get on with things and make sure that all was as well as it could be.

It was also useful for my mum to be "doing something" and so we struggled on that day and I remember coming back a week later and going to the funeral. I did one of the poems and as tough as I like to think I am I had to fight to control it. The place was packed and being at the front I hadn't seen everyone come in and so it was a shock to turn around and suddenly see so many people mostly standing.

My uncle was a really nice guy and it still seems a shock that he is no longer with us, he was quite young when he went and I remember the vicar saying that it was probably better to have this quick death and remember him as he was all happy and laughing than for him to have endured a long illness or to have spent a long time slipping away. I can see that. I can see that we will remember him like he was in his prime. Strange way of looking at it. It is funnily quite comforting to me now to think of it like that.

4 years ago. It was only a short time later that all my troubles started of course.

Oh well, life goes on - there but for the grace of God go I....

Doh! Missed it again

One of the things I have always wanted to do is to go to an American Football Game. I missed it last year (or was it the year before) when it was on over here. This year we have the Patriots Vs the Buccaneers (Tampa) at Wembley on Sunday. When did that happen? Oh well, at least we will get some TV and Internet coverage I suppose but I've seen nothing about this until today.

What a nuisance.

I suppose I had better get back to the grind ready for tomorrow. It was nice to get a few beers with Flocky at lunch time and a Ploughman's lunch (I imagine the Ploughman wasn't too happy about that though). Interesting talk about how the mind continues to beat me up even though I'm pulling clear of the disease.

Another day off tomorrow

I need it as I have to get ready for the Lodge meeting on Saturday and I also need a break. I'm not really enjoying work at the moment, just a blip I am certain but there is little to do at the moment and it is all slightly anticlimactic after the forum.

I forget that "people" don't move at the same speed I do....

I must remember to update my diary as I have a crazy few weeks coming up and already my time for the next 6 to 8 weeks appears almost to have evaporated.

Gotta Laugh

My Uncle sent me some funnies, this one sort of hit the mark - but I do have a dark sense of humour

Q. What is a terminal illness?

A. When you are sick at the airport.

This can go with "I'm Not Dead Yet" Tee Shirt :-)

Feeling a little bit down

As you do whenever you say goodbye to a cancer warrior you know. He told me some time ago that he had esophagus cancer and was doing well but unfortunately the surgery and treatment didn't work and so it has been a long battle and finally he died on Tuesday night. He was just 72, younger than my dad by a long way and it somehow doesn't seem fair but then life isn't exactly fair.

I'm feeling a bit down about it because I knew him and because on occasions like this you tend to think about your own mortality. He was diagnosed sometime after me and he was really confident about things too. It kind of gets to you more and you get the twinge of survivor syndrome and to be honest with you you say to yourself "thank God it wasn't me" and those sort of things and it seems pretty selfish really but that is the way it is.

I enjoyed my day off work though and spent some of the time in very good company and we had a few beers and a spot of lunch which was also most welcome. Tomorrow I really don't fancy going in to work but perhaps I will take Friday off and get myself ready for my big Lodge meeting on Saturday.

The Blog is three years old on Monday and I will be off out so may not even get to post on its Anniversary. What I am amazed about is how I've actually managed to continue doing the things that I have when sometimes all I have wanted to do was to lock myself in a room and feel sorry for myself. I'm glad I have kept active but as I keep banging on, I do find I get very tired quickly.

Injustice

That was what I was furious about on Monday. I just re-read my post - I was pretty angry writing that but I can see why. All the injustices in this world and all the hurt caused through selfish behaviour - will we get to account for it at the end of our lives? Will there be a Judgement Day where we will have to account for our conduct during our time on earth?

I can't say that I've been a perfect specimen of the species but I have always tried to be honest and true to my beliefs. I wonder what these annoying, cheating, thieving, lying toerags will have to say for themselves, perhaps they will continue to deny that they had ever done anything wrong.

BTW - I'm not that good - I doubt that Mother Teresa will have to move off the bench for someone like me :-)

A Day Off Tomorrow

I have a good few days leave to be taken before the end of the year. I have decided tomorrow is as good a day as any to take off and frankly, I need the rest. I managed to once again fall asleep for a couple of hours tonight at home. It is hard work being tired :-)

Work is beginning to get irritating and so many things these days appear to me to be bland and irrelevant. I find most things these days just trivial and inconsequential and if there is a positive side to having had cancer it is that most other things that may have been "important" really aren't when you boil them down. I tolerate most people, I get on with them and yet I'd really love to ask them why on earth they are miserable and sad and whinging when there is a lot to be thankful for just being alive.

It seems to me that you should enjoy the experience and the sensations and yet so many people don't. There was an interesting programme on TV tonight http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/8314093.stm all about what makes me, 'me'? There were a few bits that threw me but it was an interesting look into consciousness and I wondered whether having had a critical illness that you become more reflective and more aware and indeed more questioning about yourself, your faith and your confidence and a host of other such things.

I suppose that I might be a bit different to a lot of people anyway in that I do a lot of reflecting and thinking and I don't just get on with things or let things happen. I wonder if I have become a "better person" if there can be such a thing? I feel that I probably have and that maybe only those near enough to me will have seen the change. I know Mrs. F. thinks I've changed. I can't say that it has done me many favours though in some areas and some relationships have fallen apart and some have blossomed and my temperament is so much better. I probably get angry these days but mainly with fools and people who should know better, jobsworths especially hack me off but overall, I am a gentler and more sympathetic person I like to think.

And as Samuel Pepys would say - and so to bed. Tomorrow I hope to catch up on some more paperwork and see if I can get some of this desk tidied up.

One of "those" Days

A letter from a dying friend's wife was disturbing in its open and honest acknowledgement of the fact of the matter situation. Another friend facing the decision of what to do with the rest of his life now his past may finally be able to be put behind him. Another seeing his child about to take up the challenge that my youngest has just completed. Another with Bladder Cancer finding out what the future holds.

Another Monday and people's lives everywhere playing out in the way that they do. Where I work in a charity I am always amazed at how those who have money ask to be assisted and those who don't and could do with our help are too proud to ask. Funny old world and a disturbing fact of life. Those who know how to play the system can get an awful lot out of it. Those who desperately need assistance cannot get to it through denial in some cases and inability to articulate their need.

Life is bloody unfair sometimes and it can make you quite angry. I''m really annoyed that one of my colleagues has an angry letter from someone that is bang out of order. It is rude, callously composed, personal and untrue. What can we do about it? Not a lot - the author believes he has a case to go to law and that will be fun indeed. They wont let me go around with a small baseball bat and explain the facts of life to him. He actually stole money from us and when we found out and stopped it, is making my people's lives intolerable through his dishonesty.

Selfishness like that makes my blood boil and no matter what problems he may have - and I think you can probably guess what they are - you don't need to bite the hand that fed you when in fact you are clearly in the wrong and got caught out. I thought it even more amusing that the guy played the Big C card. Well let me come and talk to you about the Big C matey and let's compare notes about it - I'm sure you can tell me why it makes it alright when you have the Big C to go around slagging everyone off and making fraudulent claims! So, when I calm down :-) it might be worth saying that no one took my offer up for me to go and see him or to even chat to him. A shame in my view I really want to face out one of these cowardly ignorant people and just give them a complete broadside. it will do no good as they are generally so ignorant it takes them a couple of years afterwards for them to realise that you've insulted them.

To add to my bad day my Chairman has also managed to p*ss me right off with some transactional analysis nonsense he wants to play through my committee. I'm not having any of it.

So finally I boil down to the worry and that is I am getting too like my old self. I've been here over 18 months now and I'm getting back to my cut loose ways that I used to have in my old job. I really don't do fools, jobsworths and the like and I am surrounded with incompetents, amoeba and other soap dodging, Politically Correct liberal wet good for nothings that in a short period of time I will explode and explain just what a waste of O2 these people are and how Darwin missed out a whole sub species that will never evolve but will continue to maintain their leech like qualities forever.

Other than that - it hasn't been such a bad day.

I Keep Banging on about being tired

But it is a complete constant and rules my day-to-day life. Yesterday I slept in a bit and in the afternoon came downstairs and sat down and promptly fell asleep for a further 2 hours! Last week was quite full on for me. I was mentally and physically spent by Friday. I can lay some of this at getting old but even so I'm only 52 for goodness sake. It has to be the after effects of the treatments I've had for cancer and the work my body has had to do with repairing itself.

I am however now beginning to enjoy being cancer free and enjoying the feeling of a healthy - yet tired - body.

I am hoping to get some time off work soon and need to check how many days I have. A holiday would be nice if I can squeeze one in.

Zombie Day

I was definitely Mr. Zombie today - I was asleep on the train there then cleaned up the room and everything else at work and sorted out loads of things. By the late afternoon I was really struggling to keep awake. The train journey home went in a flash as I was asleep for most of it and then I got home, had a bit of tea and when everyone went out must have had 2 hours sleep in my chair. I'm off to bed in a minute to get a good sleep.

I have done so much work this week - I am looking forward now to a reasonably quiet time so that I can recover.

Wipe Out

Oh my - what a day - absolutely knackered and just settled in gone midnight after 2 days of intensive work. I don't mind the work it's the re-work I hate. I got to my second meeting as it was wrapping up but in enough time to square away some of the "head 'em off at the pass" questions.

I am absolutely shattered and need to get to bed and then go to work somewhat dressed down to go and clean the place up! It appears to have all gone down well. Let's hope so.

Like a hole in the head

I needed today's news like a hole in the head. I kind of knew it was coming but my friend dropped me a line and asked whether I could book a room and as it happens I managed to do it but today was the second busiest day of the year for me and tomorrow - when the meeting is needed is going to be hellish.

Now - everyone knew that it wasn't a good day, that I couldn't make the meeting without a LOT of difficulty but they went a head anyway and they realised that as I was running this huge event that none of the usual rooms would be available - as I am using 4 rooms for the event.

Given that they've had 6 (yes six) weeks to organise this it doesn't bode well for this team binding together to get things done on time which is what the meeting is about really. I hope I get there in a half decent frame of mind!

Whew - what a day - setting up the conference and syndicate rooms the food, the exhibition areas and my "bosses" changing the slides at the last minute after I've printed out the handouts and after the delegates have gotten their packs.

So - tomorrow - the big day - I've got the best punchlines but I haven't got the key note speech this year :-( just some statistics and figures which I hope will be just what is needed. Other than that my job is to "drive" the IT all day long.

Luxuriate in my wording

My Consultant has a duty to write to my GP (General Practitioner - my local Doctor).

Nice words:

"I saw Mr. Ferdinando in the clinic today. I am happy to say his recent bladder biopsies showed no evidence of malignancy or carcinoma in situ. He remains well and had no problems post operatively. We will continue to monitor his bladder and I will arrange to see him in six months for a general anaesthetic cystoscopy and biopsy with urine cytology beforehand. Yours sincerely etc"

I am reminded of the words in the film Blazing Saddles where Taggart says to Hedley Lamarr after a particularly interesting soliloquy where he said "My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives." Taggart then says "God darnit, Mr. Lamarr, you use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore. "

I have no idea why that drifted into my mind at all but there you go randomness is as randomness does.

You did what? You used your own initiative!!!

What do people think about when they disobey perfectly good instructions and go off and do something completely different to what you asked them to do?

I was asked to make a reporting framework so that everyone reported the same and I could do some analysis. In fact most of the people who asked me were those sending data in. I spent a long time doing that, designing the input forms, preparing the presentation slides and ensuring that there was a level playing field for all. Not only did these guys get the stuff in late they completely changed the way the figures are reported and totally screwed the data set!

Thanks guys - no - don't worry it only means hours more work for me to put it right - no go on - sit on your arses whilst I do it for you.

I'm less than amused with just a few days left to go and all the other spanners thrown in the works, the last minute minor changes that will mean there is bound to be a cock up on Thursday. 11 months I've been working on this and three days before the day they want to change their bloody minds! It surely can't be me can it?

Rant over!

Tired, Tired, Tired, ZZZzzzzzzzzzzz

Today, despite having plenty of sleep the previous two nights I was completely and utterly out of it again this afternoon. I just dozed off in my chair. i knew it was coming - I felt really tired and whack I was out for quite a time.

It is probably the biggest single difference I can say that I have physically wrong with me (YES - I know my head is pretty damned screwed up). :-)

Whilst I am out of condition I feel I can now spend some time getting myself back to a level of fitness and weight that I am comfortable with. I just need to work out some sort of schedule in a life that isn't particularly good at fitting around a schedule. I could do with a few months free of working up in town and just concentrating on perhaps training every day and making sure I get out and about in the fresh air rather than on over heated trains and in airless offices.

I'm not particularly upset about the tiredness but I do notice it as it invades so much of my time and now - when I should be in bed I'm here wide awake which messes up my sleep patterns and throws the rest of the week out.

Luckily this week sees an end to the full on effort I've been involved with and takes me into a slowing down period towards Christmas. i have a lot of holiday available which I ought to take so I did a schedule today to find that I haven't actually got one week that doesn't have me doing something in it.

As for my mental state - I'm sort of neutral at the moment. I haven't had a disturbed night of strange dreams and what ifs for a little while and whilst I'm still not certain what I want to be doing with myself for the future, some of the immediacy of the want to decide has gone away and I'm content for the moment. I'm sure that will change as I have a meeting later this week on my other business venture which may dictate the way the future will pan out.

Nice - Pleased about that

I got a really nice and unexpected letter this morning - I've been made a Grand Officer in one of the Orders I am in which put a smile on my face this morning. I hadn't expected that at all.

I've spent a lot of the day sorting out my stuff and have only just realised that on Tuesday I need to have my accounts ready and they are just lying here in bits at the moment - oops. Tomorrow will have to do for them.

It is the beginning of a very busy week for me and I'm hoping to get through this and just relax a bit afterwards. There is a pretty heavy Lodge meeting coming up in a few weeks time that I need to keep an eye on but other than that I should be able to start to settle down as the rush will be over until the New Year. As someone reminded me yesterday - it is only 11 weeks to Christmas. I couldn't even begin to tell you where this year has gone!

Poor Brain and other Dilemmas

I was fine at work today but a tiny bit slow first thing after consuming far too much red Wine the night before.

Work was OK and I got on and was happy to get the day out of the way.

I got home to find an email from someone I know and who is also one of our volunteers at the charity. He has been operated on for Bladder Cancer and had a pretty hard time of it. I've offered whatever help I can give to him as I think he could do with a bit of support and seeing a survivor. he knows me although we are good acquaintances not friends. He says he will soon go on Chemo so I'll check that out and see.

On my brain - well it can't have escaped your notice that I'm pretty much unsettled at the moment. I have a potential opportunity coming up that should excite and motivate me but will mean leaving or altering my current job. I'm so under utilised in the job that I am in that it wouldn't be a problem to move on or to perhaps split my time accordingly.

I can't quite get to the bottom of exactly what it is that is troubling me, it is the whole thing not a single area to put your finger on. I'm not depressed and neither do I feel the need for seeing a shrink either as it isn't (or I think it isn't) the sort of thing that warrants that. It is some massive jigsaw puzzle of cause and effect scenarios to work through each action having some other knock on effect on some other part of the problem. The solutions vary from the simple to the hideously complicated, the plans from the weird to the just plain off the wall, the various scenarios for what I could be doing with the "opportunity" I have and the experiences I have been thorough play around in my head all the time.

I really don't know what I want and to rely on serendipity isn't my style it needs to be planned and considered and tested and then executed.

Oh boy - one of those days

That has just ended at 23:25! Oh boy am I ever kanckered but I was very pleased to talk to someone and get some of my troubles off my chest. A good friend tipped up and we ended up drinking a few bottles of red at the local wine bar and finished off with a curry and another bottle of red. I actually believe I drank more as tonight it was my turn to have the magic auto refilling wine glass?

What a difference a day makes

24 little hours - NO - SOMEBODY STOP ME! This isn't Karaoke for goodness sake :-)

You may perceive that I feel 100% better than I was yesterday and almost my old strange peculiar self! Yowsa.

I had a good evening but my friend is looking very old now and perhaps rather than him giving me a lift home I should be giving him a lift there and back! He is 80 after all!

I'm beginning to formulate a plan to take myself forward from here and I reckon the thing that holds me back all the time is I test in my own mind about the impact my actions will have on others around me. Every time I per-mutate the odds and the different ways things could pan out if I made this or that decision. I'm not quite as worried about what people think about me as I used to be but I temper all decisions with that very criteria and acid test.

You see - going through my mind is to take myself off (on my own) for a week or two and "test" myself. Do I really want to walk away from here and go off and do something radical? Do I want to try and reengage with my family and friends. Am I living the life I really want to? Did I choose a life that I now regret and just want to change? And so on and so on go the questions bouncing about in my head. It is a constant assailing of my senses and there are no right or wrong answers nor logic to the way that the questions materialise and affect the way my next pattern of thoughts and plans are formulated.

It seems that I am just open to all ideas and all avenues of thought and action at the moment. I think I need to explore them all the sane and the insane, the logical and illogical, the bright and the dim, the planned and the unplanned serendipitous.

I am toying with the idea of taking myself off for a week or two - I have no idea where - to go and find myself. I'm a "late 50s" child so don't have the "benefit" of any drugs or alcohol background to play on my mind. I do have a brain that is constantly giving me grief about survival, normality and the nagging question of "Just what do you want to do with your life?" thrashing away in my mind many times a day.

Given that so much is going on in my head all the time, I find it very difficult to imagine that any deliberations are going to want me to settle back down to the Status Quo prior to Bladder Cancer.

I always thought I knew the answer and yet I find that it is still too difficult to look at straight in the eyes and to do what is right for everyone. To do what is right for me and me alone seems to be self centred and selfish to say the least and yet, by doing the ting that appears to be the most selfish and hurtful may it in the long run be the right thing to do? the short term hurt can be worked through. To continue the way I am going cannot be good for those around me in general or myself in particular.

I fear the collateral damage that bladder Cancer has dealt out so far and will (more so I have no doubt) into the future. It may be an inevitability of how my past was built that will be the undoing of the past but it may lead to a new future. I dread the collateral to other people and not to myself.

Cancer ripped up my rule book and threw away the index. All that I built and saved for was torn apart in short order. Things - material things - aren't so important really, if the house had burnt to the ground but everyone had escaped then that would have been a result. Life - not things - is important. I get that, I want to live a different life (or I dream I do). I don't live a different life because domestics haven't changed as I have changed, they have been constant (and may have needed to be so to continue "normal" house whilst I was ill). Now the house is the same as it was before BC and to me, nothing has changed but I most certainly have.

It is all a big heap of dung at the moment and whilst I'm enjoying life, am back to my old happy go lucky self and all that good stuff, I feel incomplete, a huge piece is missing and the next part of the journey is to discover (or rediscover) what the spark was or is, will be or what I want it to be. The brain nags me that I haven't gotten away with this, that it is going to come back and "get me" and that I had better live this next 10 or 15 years that I may have to the full. Only those that want to come along will come along. I know that many will not want to. That is my dilemma.

Off to my Jazz Night

Mind you it is tipping it down with rain and so for the first time in a very long time, I am getting a lift there - Once before - last month in fact - I got the bus as it was throwing it down then as well.

I hope to get a few beers down my neck and enjoy some trad Jazz prior to returning to the mad house at work tomorrow.

The alarm

Sounded at 5:20 as usual but there was no way I was going to make it and so I went back to sleep until just gone 9 and mercifully awoke to find a big improvement in the state of my cold. I've still got it but it is a lot less heavy than yesterday and all the symptoms are less.

Luckily I can work from home and I have plenty to get on with. My sense of humour might need a day to be repaired though. It does get me quite angry when no one actually makes a decision and sticks to it. Not my style. Sure, find something that doesn't work and change your mind but as usual, we spent hours in pedantic semantics and ended up with exactly the same message but worded in a different way.

It is my Dad's birthday today - I need to give him a call. It is also Jazz night and I'm looking forward to going to that and having a few beers and some good honest entertainment from talented musicians.

Tomorrow, as they say, is another day. All hell breaks loose this next week as we run up to one of our major events of the year that somehow, I have ended up arranging and organising. It isn't my job to do it but somehow I have inherited it. I've been trying to get the guy who owns it to actually own it. He doesn't and I'm worried he will seriously affect his job by not doing it and me doing it for him but I can't get him to see it by being subtle. He has even told me that I'm best suited to the Job (which IS true) but you can delegate the tasks but not the responsibility. Bless the lot of them, there aren't too many "managers" in the place and so maybe they don't know what I'm on about.

Well - I suppose I ought to go and do some work.

The Girls at work

Gave me a right ear 'ole bashing this morning when I appeared at work bunged up with a croaky voice and sneezing and coughing. I managed to get through the meeting but it wasn't a pleasant day as I was sweating and trembling and trying to work my way through it. I left about an hour early and ended up sleeping for three hours or so when I got home. I'm wide awake now of course but still coughing and so I think I will work from home tomorrow.

The train journey was a laugh this morning as all the lights went out and stayed out so we couldn't read our newspapers - a very strange experience.

I've definitely gone over and beyond the call of duty today though and I hope that they appreciate it. Mind you I couldn't believe the committee changing everything with just a week to go. Unfortunately I wasn't at my normal temperate and joyful self on a couple of occasions and told them so. The trouble with a committee of more than one is that they wish to discuss it. The Roman conquest did not have meetings and networking events they killed anyone who disagreed with them. I cannot imagine that being quite that radical will work with my people though!

Working out

What IS important is fun. SO what areas can you look at?

Your faith
Your family
Your lifestyle
Your ambitions
Your friends
Your location
Your social life
Your hobbies and pastimes
Your real needs
Your dreams
Your desires
Your attitude
Your risk profile

Just a few of the things that are churning around in my head. It is interesting to jot these down and think to yourself how important things are to you now and before and how they will be in the future.

Silly things like I used to like cooking but I barely do that now
I can draw and paint I don't do that now
I can play piano, guitar and trumpet and have those here - I don't play them now
I like music but I on;y have that on in my MP3 Player going to and from work and at the Hospital
I used to like family History and I hardly do any of that now
I read books but nowhere near as prolifically as I used to

It worries me that these are just a few things that I realised that since BC I no longer actually do. My piano, guitar and trumpet all gather dust and I'm just no longer interested in things that used to be my hobbies. Worse than that, it isn't important to me anymore even though I strongly believe I should go back to doing them. My photography is restricted to holidays only now as is my video camera. I no longer enjoy driving although I do have a nice car to drive around in.

This is why I am searching out what has changed and trying to understand why I no longer do these things. Nothing really replaces these but I don't seem to have much time to myself. perhaps a bit of Parkinson's Law creeping in and me filling the available time.

I was considering what I might like for Christmas (Well A has asked me for a list as she needs to save up - she is a planner like me) and I could hardly think of anything I actually want. material things now don't mean that much. It seems strange to me at the moment to go out and see something that I actually want to buy and own.

I used to love cooking and these days I just don't enjoy doing it or just don't do it.

My faith took a severe pounding as I don't get the "Why?" bit at the moment nor do I understand how it can be a test either as some say. Maybe that answer will materialise during my deliberations on what it means to survive. Who knows?

It sounds all doom and gloom but I'm not like that at all. Somewhere there is a nagging in my head that is looking for reasons and for piecing together all that I've learnt this past 3 years. You know that everything has changed but outside of my reality, perhaps it hasn't changed at all? My family hasn't seen any changes or have they had to make too many. No one has said that "you don't cook anymore" or anything like that - I doubt it was really noticed by them.

It is the other dimension to Cancer and the way it messes with your head. You want to go and tell people you are special and share your insight but only a few people are genuinely interested. You want to change the world but you don't know where to start. You'd like to escape and run away but you are frightened that you'll lose your friends and your family and die a lonely man.

I've been trying to figure a lot of this out for a long time and I'm gradually getting to the point where parts of the jigsaw are coming together. All the pieces are sorted out but I don't have the picture on the box to help me put it all together.

I hope that I do work it out soon as the list of tings I used to like doing but do no more is growing and it isn't being replaced by anything.

Fighting a cold

I'm just hanging around waiting to get my last Lemsip of the day to see if I can knock the backside out of this cold overnight. It is really annoying that I've got it right now. The next few weeks are pretty hectic and I also want to try and work out some time to myself as I think I have a few weeks vacation/holiday time available to me to be used before Christmas.

I'm wondering whether I take myself off somewhere for a while and just work on what I want to do and where I go from here. No one seems to have the same time off, A has different term times to L and Mrs. F. which also clash with things I am doing so perhaps I will see if I can go somewhere and chill out for a while.

I need to sort out my diary to do that of course because I have loads of meetings and things already penciled in.

I hope to get back to work tomorrow if I can get rid of this cough and sneezing cold.

Reflecting on being clear again

Each time I get a clear it means that I am:

• Less likely to get a recurrence
• More likely to continue to be clear
• Moving further away from the horrible stuff that happened to me
• Gradually getting my strength back and repairing my body
• Able to plan a bit further in to the future
• Less plagued by dark thoughts and self doubt
• Building some optimism for the future

I'm still getting to grips with:

• Being quite fragile when it comes to emotional stuff on films and TV
• Getting or feeling angry at people who are self centred and selfish
• What on earth I want to do with what bit of my life remains both professionally and personally
• How I feel about myself

It was interesting to see "how I feel about myself" being on the list because I recognise that I don't feel particularly good about myself at the moment - it is one of those things that you deal with a lot with staff and you need to be sure that they feel good about themselves but also that they feel good about their colleagues or you can get problems.

My low self esteem is really about not having worked in a "real" job for the past two and a half years. I've been 18 months in this job and was messing around for about a year with the lame brained one. It just doesn't feel that I have done much whilst I have been ill and not really been anything other than looking after my own sorry arse. The family are provided for which is a blessing, at least I got that right and had insurance in place for a living death.

I'm just not terribly satisfied with my current life, my current job and many other aspects of my life. I think that it is all part of a major reevaluation you go through when you have a chronic illness. Some probably come to terms with it really quickly or pragmatically argue that it is just something to deal with, get over it and move on. In my mind it is far from that. What sticks in my mind are the regrets and the decisions I took when I was younger that "may" have contributed to where I am now. Like working quite so hard, smoking all those years ago and that sort of stuff. I used to work really hard and drive myself to do a great job. Did it actually achieve anything? Am I reaping the excesses of my youth?

It is a strange dilemma. Someone hands your life back to you after you had been threatened with the alternatives. You get it back, not in quite the same shape your remember it and suddenly you have to decide whether to keep on with the same old same old which you were leading up until the time of diagnosis or go and do something different.

The older you get the more ties hold you in one place. Friends, clubs and organisations, work children, school, their friends and so on all tie you down. I'd be tempted to move further out into the country or to the coast or abroad but that probably isn't going to happen. There is an underlying need to make the most of this "opportunity" but as already discussed on this blog site, there is the fact that the only person likely to feel that way is me, no one else lived through this and what it did to me. Their experiences are likely to be very different and apart from some changes that they have noticed (I'm much more laid back than I used to be) they probably wont understand the desire to make some sort of change. I just wish I knew quite what that change actually was or is!

Stupid Cold

What a nuisance - I've got a streaming cold, a real classic, nose running, sore throat, headache, watering eyes, sneezes that knock your block off and coughs that rattle your ribs.

Bugger it, I really didn't need this and I'm off work - well no one would thank me for catching this. I am trying to do some work at my desk but with little effect really.

I am drugging myself up as I have a meeting I should be in tomorrow. The trouble is, if I am anything like this I will just have to miss it as I don't want to stick them in a meeting room with me coughing and sneezing all over them.

So it has sort of put the kibosh on doing anything for a day or so as I do feel pretty rough at the moment.

Great a cold

Here it comes sneezing and coughing, sore throat and nose. Bloody ill people why can't they keep their colds to themselves :-)

That's the trouble going into hospital - it's full of sick people. If they put ordinary fit people in there it would be better.

I really could do without this right now though. I've got to make a decision whether I go to work tomorrow if I'm like this as I'll give it to everyone else and wont be popular at all.

Bloody typical, I'm not amused - as you can tell.

A new day has dawned

The early up for the Japanese Grand Prix meant a 5:45 start but it was an interesting race but I have to say I wasn't feeling great and Mrs F. and I both have that stinging at the back of the nose and throat that preempts a cold. We think perhaps sitting around in a Hospital waiting room for close to an hour didn't particularly help. So I'll keep an eye on it as it hasn't gotten any worse this morning so far.

I am still pretty neutral over yesterday's result which surprises me still, I thought maybe I'd lighten up overnight or realise how good it is or something like that but - obviously not :-)

I've all day to get myself excited I suppose! Actually I have a load of things to do like stuffing envelopes and sticking stamps on - whoopee! At least I wont have to do it for too long as good old (some say) Flocky Bicep will be take over from me this time next year and have a go at this - it will be a reward for some of his more risque comments :-)

So back to how do I feel and what do I want to do? I really just don't know - I'm just not reacting to it at all neither positive nor negative and somehow that in itself is OK and yet I am surprised by how calm I am. Oh well, I have all day to think about it.

Officially - I'm a Low Reactor

There was no huge smile, no whooping, no celebrations of any kind today. It may sound strange if you haven't had Cancer to think that you would react in a low key way to what is, after all, pretty good news.

Clear of Cancer. I remember the first time I heard that being very emotional and quite shaky but that was tempered with the need for BCG follow up and maintenance.

In a way if I'd heard the word Remission or something similar then that may have caused a bit more of a celebration. To have to go through an operation once again next year is a bit of a blow but I'd rather do that and be sure than to have the half chance that something worse may have happened.

But don't get me wrong about what a major step this is, it is just that I'm not having a party to celebrate or any such thing. The threat of BC coming back is still very real and so a muted response is called for at the moment.

I was interested to hear from my friend last night though that he thought that this year I have started to look well, the strain is off of my face and the colour has returned. Many people have said I looked drawn and some said I look positively ill and grey when I got this and the few months afterwards.

I thought it was a surprising reaction of mine today I was all ready to party and do some deep thinking after this particular result. I think today I am feeling relief and maybe tomorrow I will be feeling a little more upbeat about things.

All Clear

Well it wasn't quite how I dreamt it but it was all clear nonetheless. It was strange because Mrs. F. Wanted to come along for the walk and normally I go on my own. It was suitably blowy and autumnal and there was a 45 minute wait to be seen as my Consultant had been double booked and was apologetic about that.

So all was clear and she remarked that it had been for some time. She wanted a 6 month appointment and toyed with the idea of a 6 month flexi or perhaps even a year but she felt that we should do 6 months, have full biopsies her "Gold Standard" and so a further rigid cystoscopy. They aren't fun but if that is what it has to be, that is what it has to be. Fed up with these? Sure but then it goes with the territory so I have to accept it.

We walked home and I had one beer as Mrs F was with me! I feel tired at the moment, I'm sure I have been in a high state of anxious anticipation and am falling asleep here typing this. I think I will wander downstairs and fall asleep there :-)

Let he who is without cast the first stone etc

It must be me or the new me but why is every one these days straight in with both feet? I just read a post on a web forum (a Masonic one) where an innocuous post about a subject many would find interesting was tirade on by some self styled "politically correct cybersleuth". Frankly the guy should get back to the bathroom and work on his wrist technique!

You can't say anything without some smart arse coming up with some old twaddle about you shouldn't say this or do that. Heaven alone knows what makes these misinformed, misguided half wits mine, or anyone else, judges.

If I learnt just one thing in the recent past it was that life's short enough as it is without all this holier than thou cyber bullying. What I do enjoy is facing these do gooders down face-to-face as they wear a very thin veneer of respectability and are generally extremely sad and worthless people. I suppose somewhere there is a place that they fit into society but I find it extremely difficult to know exactly where that is. Even slime is life.

What brought that about? Just the constant attitude that anything exists to be pulled down and humiliated - it is a pretty sad fact of life that TV promulgates this behaviour and that people who should know better decide to copy it and think it is right.

Well I won the loudest shirt contest

It was Jeans for Genes day today at work, pay a couple of pounds to dress down. It was a bit of a shock to most - I have a hawaiian shirt that can actually melt your eyes so fierce are the bright blues, oranges and yellows. It beggars belief and there were double takes a plenty. I bet with my colleague that I would have the loudest shirt and he turned up in a normal Tee shirt!

Anyway, it was so bad that I daren't take my jacket off on the train in either direction :-)

The fun of it all. Anyway, charity benefited even if my colleagues eyes didn't.

I'm feeling quite good especially as my mate NC is coming over to pick me up and we are going to have a beer and a curry tonight. That's rather unexpected but nonetheless welcome. So I am looking forward to going out in the near future and tomorrow, of course, going to see my specialist to see what the outcome of the last lot of biopsies were. Fingers crossed!

I hope to be imbibing of a few more beers on the way home if the news is good.

Mellow

What a great afternoon and evening I have just had. Lots of people think Freemasons are nasty people and have some sort of weird thing going on. Well tonight I sat next to my host, a few people I have met before and some new people and one of them was a reasonably high up guy in the overall scheme of things but actually I didn't know that straight away at all. The Master was one of my Charity Trustees and he was not only a very nice man but also a very interesting raconteur too.

The common denominator is that we are all similar people - not clones or identical fits - but we all have common moral beliefs and so it is ever so easy even for someone as introverted as I am - to get on and chat to someone as you can talk about anything and nothing and the "rules" and the "borders" of what we can and cannot discuss are part of the understanding we have. That is what is great. Later on I found out that this guy is really high up in the F1 community and he knows a lot of the top people and it was great to ask questions and hear about how F1 started and some of the people this guy knew.

I feel really charged and revitalised now because my friend invited me and because we had such a gas. It was a little cramped at the festive Board (banquet) but there were good reasons (post strike) and so everyone mucked in and got on with it. In fact it just made the evening go with a real swing.