Early back

Yikes the freezing fog has moved in and the lads went home early so leaving me to finish up my beer and come home - I managed to tip about a quarter of my beer over myself though - DOH!  Sticky beermat syndrome and the glass tipped rather than slid towards me drenching my notepad on which I was writing at the time and then wetting my knees!  So finished my beer, wiped up the mess and got home before I froze.  It is horrible outside and I haven't seen weather like this since the early 1980s when I had a particularly horrible drive and my car just kept icing up in a sort of ice storm.

It looks positively yuk at the moment.  I had a funny set of meetings recently with people from the charity I used to work for.  They want me to come and talk to them tomorrow at their party or Friday at the staff party.  No one is letting on what for but they are interested that I am "between jobs" at the moment.  Shall I take the bait?  I don't know.  Maybe I should just turn up tomorrow anyway.

Piano solved and cards done

Phew I think - it looks as if the Piano can finally go to its new home next week.  What a nightmare it has been and I'm feeling a bit guilty as I haven't touched it for ages it has just been sat up against the wall.

So that is now coming to pass and the Christmas cards are posted to all around the world and here in the UK.  Good.

Now to get down to wrapping the presents which I feel I ought to do tomorrow.

I was interested to read that a number of cancer patients go onto anti depressant medication.  I was reading of one lady who took them because of the huge changes the hormone tablets that follow on from Chemo have made to her.  I can understand this and I wonder if that's what I should have.  As my dad used to say he used to pop his "happy tablets"  I suppose I ought not to be too surprised that I now appear to be having these "head issues" more than I ever have done before. 

I'm out with my school chums tonight and that will cheer me up no end - we have lots of fun and we are all very comfortable with each others company - only good friends can be (funny) cruel to each other I find.  It's OK to be quite nasty I've noticed :-)

Anyway - it will be nice to get out and see the lads and start to Christmas run in from tonight onwards.  

A Doh Moment

I don't believe it!  I managed to send all the family history researchers the wrong newsletter having to then resend the proper one - DOH!  

Also getting sweaty on getting the second piano out of the house before Christmas - if it don't go then I will have to get rid of it somehow as there is no way it can actually reside in the same room as 12 of us for Christmas lunch - absolutely no way I can see especially as I also have units and a Welsh Dresser in the same place!  I need to get onto the case tomorrow and chase it up as I'm getting awfully nervous about it still being there and wrecking Christmas! Mind you I suppose it wouldn't actually wreck it but you never know.

I hate chasing people up but it has been 8 months since it was agreed that they'd take the Piano and so I'm getting slightly twitchy.

A guy I used to work with at the Charity has been pretty obtuse with me a couple of times now and wants me to attend the Presidents drinks party on Wednesday or the office party on Friday.  I think I may need to try and get to the bottom of what they are trying to do here.  It all seems a bit strange to me :-)  Maybe they've a job for me - who knows?

I'm still waiting for the other lot to get back to me with some sort of resolution to the problems I've encountered with their initial selection process email that asks you to do something but in fact doesn't actually work!  Having had a series of exchanges I wonder whether this company (one of the biggest in the world) really knows what they are doing or whether all other candidates have just not read the preamble.  

Tomorrow night - out with my school chums - looking forward to it immensely.   

Nice Article

I read this and felt that it might be useful if you know someone who has Cancer and want to help them this may help you get started with the right words and phrases.

LINK "What to write to someone who has Cancer"

There are some very relevant tips in here especially in relating your writing to the relevant area of the patient's journey (diagnosis, treatment etc).

Well that was nice

If not a little nerve fraying.  Mrs. F and I were President and President's Lady at my Stewards' Lodge Christmas Lunch.  It was a nice affair and we had the Provincial Choir there who kept us entertained beautifully with Christmas Carols and got us leaping about to the 12 days of Christmas.

I only had to say a few words but I was a little nervous to make sure I got the right words in.  Mrs. F. received a lovely bouquet of flowers so she was happy :-)  All in all a lovely day and we now have a more formal dinner in May 2013 to attend.

I find myself in a reasonable frame of mind at the moment and yet there's something nagging away making me just a little cautious.  I'm waiting to hear back from the company who want me to undertake these tests after a silly set of crossed emails that frankly I'd be mortified if I had sent them from my account.  

Lifted my spirits

I had a great day out today with some friends and had 12 hours of laughs and some serious stuff too, there was a brass band playing carols and we all joined in and that made it very Christmassy - and we got home at a decent hour too - at least an hour before normal allowing me to write this blog and be sober to boot!  That's pretty good as I'm normally a few more beers to the wind than this.

I like the lift I've got from that and need to carry it on for tomorrow.  I had to laugh today because after having confirmation that I wasn't going nuts and that the firm who want me to do the tests actually did have their web link broken (has no one else noticed this or have they blindly gone and done the tests?) and confirmed it in writing I got a "reminder" that I should do the tests to which I have politely responded that they have already acknowledged that their links are broken etc etc and round the mill we go again!  I will have some interesting information to discuss should I get to interview time.

I'm still unsure what I want to do but let's see where this leads me.  It could be in totally the wrong direction but then again - serendipity has always played interesting tricks on my life.

Printer Woes

I have three printers (I would wouldn't I?).  Being in IT I have copier printer, A4 colour laser and an A3 Inkjet.  There are a couple of other printers in the house but the three I have a networked together and work rather nicely, that is until they run out of ink/toner etc.

Both the colour laser and the inkjet are now in very low mode and the laser has stopped working - just when I need it to print out some more newsletters to send out to family and friends.  I'll be doing some more cards and newsletters when the new ink arrives in a few days.

At least I'm part of the way to being organised.  I'm waiting to hear from my daughter who is due back shortly and will need picking up and turning around so to get to an appointment. I've not heard back from the people who want me to do the test yet so I feel an email to them explaining that they haven't responded to my earlier email and that time is now ticking down on their deadline might be in order.  You can't believe some people's urgency levels.

I'm feeling OK - not too bad but perhaps a little flatter than I normally am but nowhere near as bad as I felt a few days ago.

Depression - Should you "snap out of it"?

Flocky and I met up and he castigated me for not calling on Tuesday when I was so low.  Interesting as the very last thing I wanted to do was to talk to anyone!  Flocky suggested he would be able to "snap me out of it" and that's interesting as he and I have both been to the depths of the Black Dog and so he knows a lot about this.  I feel somewhat naughty that I didn't call anyone and I've got lots of very nice and good friends who will gallop to the rescue - I just don't acknowledge how wonderful my friends are really - I don't deserve them do I? :-)

The bottom line is that you just turn into a self wallowing mass of introverted self serving goo and aren't really in any mood whatsoever to call anyone and let them in on the secret.  I wouldn't want to "phone a friend" if it meant emptying my guts out to them.  YES I know that is what friends are for but are they really?  I wouldn't want to burden my friends with it and yet I know that I've done that before for them.

Ho hum.  I was a lot better today, I thrive on the right sort of company and I have to say I'm really blessed with some lovely friends and many of them through Freemasonry.  The Masons have a number of particular rules that mean that you can call them and sort stuff out like I've just had.  They are like the Samaritans in many ways.  Whatever I said tonight was taken in and will not be repeated.  My friends suggested different courses of action but didn't dictate what to do they just listened and provided balanced feedback and a shoulder to cry on and someone to bounce ideas off, that's all there's no judgement calls or anything else what more could you ask?

We discussed Mrs. F's and My President's Christmas Lunch on Sunday and the running order and all that good stuff.  It's important that we have some idea of the structure even though the day may go slightly different to what we have planned :-)

I hope Mrs. F enjoys her day I really do.....

Printer Packed Up

Blast - I hope I don't need my laser tomorrow - I know I need my A3 to be ready for action for the table plan for Sunday.

I've done pretty well on card duty but ran out of newsletters which are slightly heavy on the blue (cyan) and so that has packed up - of course I did 60+ Carol song sheets for Sunday too so that depleted my supply.  Anyway, have ordered another but it could be a few days off - will just have to manage that's all.

A should be just about flying now off to Munich.  L has phoned me to say she is arriving tomorrow so I can do taxi service for her too.  

The very last present arrived today and so I'm now left to choose what ones are for Mrs. F's birthday and what for Christmas.   I know some of the answers but need a viewing to decide finally and then I can wrap those.  I have a lot more cards to write too but that should be OK as there is plenty of time for the UK ones.  

I had quite a few conversations today - I'm a lot better than I was Tuesday afternoon and evening and at least I have a partial understanding what it was (almost certainly my mum going to be checked out for cancer on Wednesday!) but that isn't everything that added together to make me feel that bad.  I know what I have to do and I'll sort things out.  Nice to know there are people who will listen and help out - I wasn't thinking like that at all when I was in the dark place on Tuesday.  

Up and About and almost enthusiastic

Almost :-)  Certainly I'm up and sat at my desk by 8 which is pretty good.  A is off to Germany a little later today to have a few days at the Munich Christmas Market.  I'm sure she will have a lovely time there.  It's nice to see her getting out and about now that her work has calmed down and her first contractual stint is over.  She had to work a number of months before getting holiday.  She has also booked to go to New York in the New Year, this time with her boyfriend (and not her crazy aunt) so she will be able to take in the museums and what she wants to do!  

I am out again tonight and I look forward to next week when I have a couple of days off.  It really is that crazy at this time of year.  The only night I wont be out is Friday night, Saturday and Sunday are full on long days.

The bathroom is now finished - apart from stuff that my brother-in-law can finalise for me.  Then it will be finally finalised!  As it is now it is more than adequate and the radiator gives plenty of heat to the room which is a little colder than it used to be through the floor tiles.

I should be on card writing duty today.  I shall get myself in the mood for that before taking A off to the station so she can travel to Heathrow and fly off to Munich.  I then have most of the day to sort these out.  I have decided to fill out a spreadsheet (I did it last year but lost my hard drive you may recall).  This time it will be backed up to my on-line storage system.

End of an Era

I started going to the Jazz night in 1988, I think in the May of that year because Mrs. F. came with me on the first two but not thereafter and I went on my own shortly after we moved into our present house in July 1988.  Tonight they called it a day and the last Jazz night was performed with just one of the original members in attendance.  It just isn't viable for him to travel the distance and the audience is getting smaller as the older ones die off and failing health grabs them.  

It's the end of that era and one that I've enjoyed very much but life goes on.  The members of the band will go on and do other things and there's talk of some of them coming back next year anyway to do something similar.  In the 24 years who could have predicted what would have happened and since then we've had children who have grown up and are at Uni and work.  We've had 6 elections and I've changed from working in construction to IT.  Lots of stuff has changed.  I was in my early 30s and things were just about to take off :-)

Yes, it is the end of an era.  The Piano player has cancer and his own battles to go and fight, of the initial members one has died and the others gone their own way, players have come and gone and once a month I've been able to go and see great musicianship at a cheap price, had some good beer and great company.  Of the 5 regulars that used to go there are only the 2 of us remaining.  Many of our number have come and gone.  It's a bit like life really.

I'm in a reasonably good mood at the moment, I've pulled myself out of some of the rut I was in and tried to work on some of my problems.  I hope that I can just work a little harder on keeping positive in these next few weeks.

Well that's a little better

They can't find anything wrong with mum so that's good - she thought she might have a lump in her breast but scans and checks all done and she is fine which is a weight of her mind and I guess mine - maybe that also added to my bad day yesterday.  Today is getting better.  I finished off the silicone in the bathroom and the pipes - a few hours and the ob was done and I've been putting it off for far too long! 

I will tackle Christmas Cards and Newsletters tomorrow and get those out of the way and then move on to wrapping presents and slowly work my way back into being active and getting things done.

I've also had time to do some planning and think things through which is also useful as I need to work out what I'm thinking of doing.  I've not heard back from the massive corporate as of yet - I will give them a day or so and then write once again and see if they've figured out that they have the wrong link on their email to me.  It's hilarious if you think about it.

I'm certainly feeling a lot better this afternoon than I was yesterday - let's hope that it stays that way.

Things aren't solved but it's better

Snow on the ground outside (would be worrying if inside I suppose) which wasn't expected last night in the weather forecast, and the start of a better day for me.  I haven't been as bad as yesterday for a very long time indeed.  I'm not brilliant today but yesterday was absolutely horrible.  The trigger, if there was one, was getting that "test" email through from the potential future employer and then seeing that they hadn't got part of it right.  Suddenly the ground opened up beneath me and I was in a horrible place.

The alarm bells going off should be asking why did that set me off.  It's obvious in my mind that I'm going for a job that I shouldn't be and doing it for the wrong reasons.  I'm trying to please other people and not myself and I'm also concerned that it's running away from the issues I'm trying to iron out.  There's one other thing that may also be playing on my mind and that's my mother is in hospital today to have a check up on an unusual lump and I'm sure that that is also playing on my mind too.  Having already lost my father to Cancer this year I'm not sure what I'd do if my mother was found to have cancer or something serious.

At least today I am a little more with it and feeling somewhat better than yesterday so one small reason to be thankful for a good nights sleep.

An Unexpected Outing

I didn't go to the ex-works do - I knew that I'd be in the totally wrong frame of mind and I'm up for a fight with anyone who will give me one.  I'm angry, upset, confused, tearful and generally in a very uncomfortable place right now.   I'm completely unstable emotionally and my logic isn't working properly and my spider senses are ringing bells everywhere.  

Out of the blue I got a text message.  I'd had a bath and tried to chill down and then had tea.  The text said a friend of mine was in town and would I like to meet for a beer.  Well yes I would.  I wasn't' right but let's meet anyway - I know I need to be out of the house.  Another very good friend was there too and I was able to just bounce some nonsense off of him tonight and that's been very good.  I'm in a bit of a mess here as I have a conundrum to solve.  I go for this high pressure job and it pays great and it takes me back 15 years into my high flying consultancy days but, as my friend reminds me, those were the days that led to my downfall in the first place, the high flying days burning the candle at both ends and the stress and the pressure actually may have been part of the cause of my cancer.  

That's actually in the back of my mind.  Also in the back of my mind is that I get back to where I live, eat and breathe.  Where I make a difference, where my career has meaning where I am valued and (let's face it) paid a decent wedge for what I know and what I can do for my customers.  But can I hack that life any longer and am I just going to use it to get out of the house for prolonged periods of time and not be here and just live the life?  There's the trap and there's the concern.  I may not be wanting this for the right reasons and using it as a means to an end.

Life at the moment is one of walking on egg shells, balancing on quick sand and trying to balance so many things at once that there is every possibility they will all fall to the ground at the same time.  All the balls cannot be kept in the air at once.  I'm in need of a hiatus but it isn't happening now in the short term.  It will have to happen soon though as I can't keep trying to balance all these permutations.  Oh well - time to get to bed and try and get some sleep - that didn't work at all last night - let's hope the addition of a few pints of beer will allow me to sleep through tonight.

That's Interesting

I feel quite queasy and I've figured out that it is to do with an email that arrived this morning requesting I take a verbal and numerical reasoning test.  Not that the tests worry me that much but progressing with the job application does.  That may not make sense but my heart really isn't in it at all.  The last thing I want to do is go back to Corporate life but then again the money is good as is the overall package.  The real trouble being that it just diverts me away from sorting things out and allows me to duck a number of things.

I know that I should tackle all these problems but in tackling them I'm very concious of the fallout and wreckage I might leave (real or imagined).  Success in getting the job may mean that it allows me to just go off and do my own thing anyway running away from any problems.

I'll see how I feel about this in a day or two, I have time to prepare and take the tests.  Mind you I've already found that their email points to a web site address that doesn't exist and I've asked for clarification on that - it makes them look amateurs but there you go...

Ex-Works Do tonight

I'm not up for that yet, I still don't feel I can keep a civil tongue in my head with some of them.  I do find a few of my ex-colleagues have their heads shoved up their arse and I don't deal with their type very well at all.  If you want a yes man who kowtow to the norm then you've got the wrong man for that.

In my present state of mind it isn't actually going to do me any good meeting some of these guys.  They're not all like that just a handful of them and after all it's 14 years since I was there last and some still act as if they're your lord and master.  In another frame of mind I might just be able to do it.

Well the excitement is that at last there is some movement on the job hunt front as the email that asks me to do some on-line tests has arrived.  That should be a laugh as I inevitably score badly in these things because my mind works differently to most.  Oh well, nothing ventured, nothing gained I suppose.

I'm a little better than I was yesterday in overall demeanour but I still have a really heavy chest and a headache just painful enough to be there nagging away.  At least I have completed the Newsletters and can get on with writing the Christmas Cards and sending those.  I will do far more by email this year than post - the cost is prohibitive and Royal Mail thumped up their prices earlier in the year - probably in response to falling demand and the threat from email - you have to wonder where they get their thought leadership from...

BTW - when I say heavy chest what it means is that I am prone to be sighing a lot and it sort of feels as if my body is heavier than it really is.  Anyway, feeling blah at the moment and hopefully will snap out of it down the week.

Picked up a bit

Out tonight and the lads cheered me up a bit - must watch out though I was taking no prisoners with the sarcasm - I can be a little too sharp tongued sometimes.  

I do feel massively low though and I know what it is - I'm not telling you though but it's more about us than me let's say.

Suddenly it's three weeks to go to Christmas and I'm in a very strange place and need to snap out of that and get back on track.  Later today Flocky and I will sort out Mrs. F's and my Christmas Luncheon which is happening this Sunday.  I'm delighted that we will have close to 120 people attend the day.  That really is nice.  I could have done without the "assistance" of one of our friends who was telling us about this fab offer so we could get raffle prizes (which I've already got) and turned up today with a massive box of chocolates that she got in the sale that I had to offer to pay for.  With help like that - well it was a nice idea but we've already got the prizes so it's just more expense!

I'd better go to bed - have to be up in the morning so we can tackle the tricky bit of the seating plan and who sits next to whom... :-)

The Basement

Don't know what it is this morning but I'm back in the basement again and feeling pretty low.   Yesterday's meal was very nice but once again I really only got going after an hour or so.  

I can't quite work out why this should be but there you go, I'm just going to work my way through this and see if I can pull myself up.  

As it is December I think I will now concentrate on getting Christmas and the New Year out of the way and forget about the job (although no reasons not to stop planning).  I have plenty to do and if I get myself organised I can work my way through all of this.  

I can't really begin to explain what this is like other than a total weariness and a lack of enthusiasm to do anything.

December already

Strange feeling especially after having my second Christmas meal last night at a Lodge meeting I went to over in Surrey.  It was a lovely meeting and there were a number of Hungarian Masons there which was nice to see.  I ended up being asked to respond for the visitors, I tend to forget that those who have heard me speak are happy for me to get up and say a few words and compliment everyone which I managed to do admirably last night I'm pleased to say and even remembered my joke.... 

I used to keep a file of jokes - perhaps I ought to recommence that as I was worried whether I could magic a joke up.  I'm fine in casual situations as I can use what the group are saying to fire an idea.  Anyway that all went very well and I'm delighted that it did.  I have no idea though how these things go as I tend to concentrate on performance and not on reaction from the crowd but they said it was good so that's OK I suppose.

Good old Flocky Bicep picked me up and dropped me off which was also a bonus.

Later this morning we are off for lunch with the "Holiday Gang" - 3 couples, our children all grew up together.  We meet every Christmas Eve and the day after Boxing Day (our turn this year).  Gosh, we've known each other 22 years!  We arranged a number of holidays that were just great fun - we get on quite well together which is surprising considering how different we all are.  But it is nice to meet up, we don't so often these days - perhaps 4 or 5 times a year and 2 or 3 times at Christmas.

And it's December and one more delivery will complete my gift shopping.  I now need to get into wrapping, writing and cleaning mode.  I will start tomorrow doing that as I have a stack of things to finish off in quite a short space of time.

Thoughts of Dad

Funny that an evening interrupted by the odd thoughts and reminiscences - that's not at all a bad thing I reflect.

Mrs. F. said she was going out and so I reminded her that so was I - which came as a shock to both of us as neither knew the other was going out...... 

We are both out tomorrow meeting with some friends and that will be fun (I hope).

Better Day

It seemed to be a better day today and I'm a bit more positive and feeling a little bit better about things.  That was until I wrote, or rather started to, the family newsletter for insertion with the Christmas Cards.  I got to the bit about my dad and had to stop and just take 5 minutes to stop feeling bad about those last few days of his life.  I'll not forget what day it was and in many ways I knew when I left him the week before that it probably was the last time I'd see him, alive that is. Mind you I decided not to see him when I eventually got up there, in many ways I wanted to remember him in another way.  

I've almost finished the newsletter now and I guess these thoughts come and slap you around the face when you least expect them to.  It's getting towards Christmas - a time he loved - and he wont be there.  I'm going up in a few weeks for a couple of days - such is my diary that I'm blocked out a lot in the next few weeks and don't actually have a weekend free.  I've been out for most of the last two weeks as well which gives an indication of my diary.

Better Day

Ah, well the sun is out, it's mighty cold though and the frost hasn't gone yet except where the sun has dissolved it :-)

I'm still waiting for Christmas to arrive (my two outstanding parcels) but having missed my meeting this morning waiting in for them, L has now called and wants a lift from the station - which is fine but what if I miss my delivery?  I won't be happy about that at all.  

I've a better feeling about things at the moment and I put that down to the weather and to beginning to see various avenues open to me.  I am trying to put together a number of possibilities that will allow me to work on a number of projects at once.  The ideas just need to crystallise in my head a bit more before I test them out.  I'm hoping to pull together a way of commencing short and long term projects together which would balance income and allow me to work on the long term stuff ready for that to take over in due course.

Walk Forwards, Don't Look Back...

Not sure if that is right or not?  It's a thing I have difficultly doing anyway but there's a good point here about you can learn from what's happened but you mustn't dwell on things that perhaps you regret.  These things have happened and they are in the past and as much as you may regret decisions or outcomes, you cannot do anything now to change them.  You can of course learn and move on.

Behind lies a path that's trodden and is now history, it contains many good and some not so good times but it's the past.  They say your past can catch up to you and it felt a bit like that last night.  I felt myself staring at one of the young ladies (but I probably wasn't) as she looked so familiar to someone I knew 35 or more years ago.  It was a bit of a shock actually now I've had a chance to think about it.

Anyway, looking forward is the next thing and who can say what will happen and how things will pan out.  I feel that I'd like to have a different type of life to what I have now.  I want to spend free time doing pleasurable things and not having the one eyed god playing in the corner of the room.  Then again, I'd enjoy that but would other people - is that their vision and what they want out of life?  I fancy a place of fine wine, good sounds, nice food. good friends etc.  That just doesn't happen - getting in from work all stressed out and the last thing you want to do is to chill out (that's not me talking).

The way forward isn't fully clear to me but there's some key components that I'd like to see and these include spending time actually enjoying the time off work and when we are in the same house.  I've barely seen Mrs. F. for well over a week now and I admit it being a partial plan of mine to instil into both of us what it will be like for me to no longer be around once again like I used to be 10 years and more ago when I worked away and whilst that was happening, fed the family pretty well too.  No it's more for me to evaluate what being alone might be like and also for Mrs. F. to be reminded of the past and what it used to be like before I became ill.

I'm not advocating playing away from home but I am saying that absence is helping me think things through.  It's a bit annoying that I have to be at home tomorrow now as I really wanted to go to the History Society meeting in the Village. - I might sleep on that or hope that delivery arrives in the morning and I can get to go.

I'm now away from formulating strategies and into testing my hypothesis to see if it will fit.  

Shake Down

This morning I've chased up my last two presents - one is a replacement and one is outstanding.  That will then be all my presents sorted out.  I can now get on with the Newsletters and the Christmas Cards and just getting ready.

Another job came through today but this is the same ones who had the job in Wimbledon and never ever got back to me about it and do I've consigned it to the delete bin.  

I'm busy transferring tracks from cassettes (remember them?) to MP3.  This is quite easy using Audacity and just uploading them to my backup server thingy.  I have no idea if these are actually worth anything to anyone, I have hundreds of them lying around but not for much longer as I want rid of them.  I have a load of vinyl which also needs to be sorted out and recorded before getting rid of them too.  Some of them have a value and so I might try and sell them on.  Certainly some of the early Promos I have may be valuable to the right buyer.

I had a good night last night and I'm out again tonight, it's keeping me distracted I suppose.  I continue working on some ideas for the New Year and I hope that I'll have something finalised in the next few weeks or at least a way forward.  As I suggested before it requires things to be stable at this end to get on and do these things and it requires me to get my head into the right frame of mind too.

Music

Is my one fall-back and today I just hit the button and this came on:

"Fix You"

When you try your best, but you don't succeed

When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone, but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below

When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know

Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face

When you lose something you cannot replace

Tears stream down your face

And I...

Tears stream down your face

I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

Tears stream down your face

And I...

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Now Coldplay are a band that you either like or not (Marmite) but I quite like them as a stadium band but this is one of my favourite songs.  It was one of the songs I listened to as I went for my operation - the first one - the one that saved my life.  Today it is as powerful as it was then, generally it grabs me and stirs me up and makes me cry but somehow in an uplifting way.  Strange that it should play tonight of all nights.  

Then this came on:

                                                                     "The Scientist"

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start.

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Don't speak as loud as my heart
And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start

Ooooohhhhhhh [x4]

Exactly.  Blue eyes haunt me...

Something Different

Went  out tonight with some friends - 3 guys and 3 gals.  It was a really good night and a little bizarre too.  We started at my local and had a good few beers and then had a nice Curry and just enjoyed each others company.

I have to say that I'm really taken with one of the gals as she reminds me so much of a girl I knew way, way, way back in my youth.  She has the looks and the most amazing eyes and it was really nice to see her - I hadn't expected her to turn up at all.  It was just a nice evening out and my local Indian restaurant did us very well even to the point where I asked for a spare glass for my friend and they were very pleased to give that to me gratis.

They are nice guys at the restaurant but it is obvious that they use it as a training ground for the young waiters who must progress on to bigger and greater things.

So, here I am, I have no idea what to make of the evening other than it was very enjoyable.  Yikes, this girl/lady has the most hypnotic blue eyes, great sense of humour and turned up when I wasn't expecting it.  I have absolutely no idea what it all means anyway as I'm so screwed up at the moment and I don't get any signals whatsoever.....

Damn wouldn't it be good if for once it was all obvious to me what to do?  

My Mum woke me up this morning

Which is pretty impressive as she lives a good 120+ miles away :-)  Actually she called me just gone 10 and I was fast asleep :-)  I must have dozed back to sleep and I'm not surprised as I was tired yesterday and from the exertions of the past week.

I'm wrestling with a balance problem - not in my body but in what I do next.  It was nice to have a chat with this chap yesterday about his company woes and in some ways I'd enjoy being back in that sort of situation again although he needed to kick some arse frankly and lay the law down - I'd have enjoyed doing this sort of thing...

No what has been bugging me is that I reckon I have some plans that I would like to do to raise some funds and keep the metaphorical Wolf from the door.  They rely heavily on being in this house or having full support from everyone.  These aren't direct employment opportunities nor will they raise cash from day one - perhaps day 90 or 120 but certainly not straight away.  They involve remodelling my office and taking up space in either the garage or shed both of which are storing large amounts of stuff that isn't being used.  However, if we were to move elsewhere that may not be possible.

Once again, I am reminded that I need to sort both things out not just one for each is reliant on the other to some extent.  

It's all in your mind

"Mr. Tweedy, all in your mind!"  - good old Chicken Run - a harmless piece of entertainment if ever there was.

I've been troubled by many thoughts in these past few years, it's getting worse and and whilst I have a potential resolution to these I am actually uncertain if it will actually resolve things.  I'm being obtuse on purpose at the moment as I'm exploring scenarios and thinking things through very thoroughly, such is my way.  I'm normally like this but then normally it is to do with business and not personal life.

As I write, Bridge over Troubled Water has just come on - poignant indeed.  Most, if not all of the problems I have are almost without exception my problems.  The reason I say that is that it was my illness that led me to make some fundamental changes and those changes place me at the centre of that change, no one else has been asked to change and neither do I want my illness to change them.

That was difficult to write and it still isn't clear is it?  Let's try again.  The person most affected by Bladder Cancer was me.  Whatever the outcome, life would continue in a normal and predictable way because there was nothing that the remainder of the family could possibly do to affect the outcome even if they had changed their lifestyles it wouldn't have made a jot of difference to my fortune in surviving.  If we assume that everyone was travelling along in the same general direction at the time of diagnosis, things were going well enough and life functioned much as it had done for many years.  Post diagnosis, it is as if I am a totally different person, I still have my absurd sense of humour and if anything I am a much lighter touch person, far more tolerant than I was and generally a much nicer all around human being.  But that isn't the actual point still.  I am changed in terms of outlook and attitude and now more than ever struggling to work out what I am going to do next.  As such, I look to have diverted off the general direction everyone else was travelling in.  I'm off some side road (perhaps a cul de sac) trying to get my new Sat Nav to work properly.  I have a vision of how things could be in the future and the frightening thing is that I doubt anyone will understand or appreciate what I want or why I should want it. Why the hell should they, it isn't about them it is about me and the last thing I want is to impose my new sets of values, principles and ideas on them.

I'm full of great ideas and things that I could do but I do not see these being huge money spinners nor do I see them being much more than some sort of fantasy at the moment.  I hated going up to London (and back) the other day it was uncomfortable to say the least.  My claustrophobia is taking more effort to control and I am I'm not getting things done despite having time to do things - I spend time at the moment researching various ideas and trying to see if they are feasible or just pipe dreams.

In essence though I'd like to work for myself and in two or three areas that look as if they could complement each other but I'd need to make sure that the conditions will be available for them.  I can only see them being successful if I have the full cooperation of the family and I currently doubt that I do have that.  So it's a bit of a double edged sword in the fact that I probably can't do what I want to do without cooperation which I currently may not have.  Urggghhh, it's just so difficult to get some sort of plan together, it's probably more complicated than the biggest projects I've ever handled :-) The Risk profile is horrendous too.  

Thinking - I do too much of it

Interesting conversation - yes not quite what I thought it might be so silly old me thinking too much as usual.  Had a nice chat with business colleague of a friend and helped (I think) get their thinking straight.  They can come back and chat some more, where upon my business partner was around and we went out for a late coffee after the call I had.

Funny as we were driving back, a head hunter called him so I left the car and him too it at my house - hopefully it will be a good job opportunity for him, after all, he deserves something good to happen to him.

I've been a bit of a grumpy today, not happy with something or other, not happy with Mrs. F and I backed out of a couple of one-liners I was about to deliver as they weren't appropriate nor were they "big or clever" :-)  If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all I suppose.

Had some of my deliveries turn up today but unfortunately so badly packed that one of the chocolate items was smashed to pieces.  It was a particularly badly packed parcel I'd say.    The customer service experience isn't great and I think it would help these guys immensely if they saw the Amazon model which I've never had a problem with.  

Mrs. F is out for a short while which gives me a nice quiet time to calm down prior to her return although in reality going out for a couple of coffees and a chat have done.

Frosty Morning

Indoors that is :-) It hasn't been a great morning here but Mrs. F. has now shot off to do shopping and see her mum and stuff so that's OK.  I am sat here at the PC wondering whether I should follow my star sign this morning (I have a desktop thing that has a daily Horoscope on it - what possessed me to look at it today I don't know).

"Relationships can be a source of pain now, yet opening your heart in the presence of potential hurt could earn the rewards of intimacy. This is not an easy process, for your tendency is to protect your sensitive feelings from being wounded. Showing your vulnerability to someone you love is the first step on the journey to healing today."

How bizarre is that? :-)

Anyway, I've been doing a bit more work on reviewing my options and I suppose that I ought to have some of those chats I said I ought to have.  Of course, it is typical, I got a call last night from someone who has some potential work for me.  Idiot me I didn't turn it down but said I'd have a chat today with them.  Where's all that assertive stuff I used to be made of gone?  Down the toilet with my confidence and everything else I reckon :-)

Out and About with Flocky

It was nice to get some time with Flocky.  He's a good chap and a good listener and a good confident too.  I certainly needed some vent for my frustration at ending up on the Thursday night soaked through!  But it's happened before - I've ended up having to work out a way to get home because no one will come out for me - but then that's par for the course, I'm sure if it was them and I did that I wouldn't hear the last of it.

Then there's a little fact that is also interesting and that's that until last night I hadn't actually spoken to Mrs. F since Tuesday - well not to have a conversation that is.   What contact has been made has been by Text.  There's nothing particularly wrong in this, it is usual.  However, not sure that everyone else finds it usual.

So there we have it - I've had a good weekend - not sure I'd want to do anything quite as crazy as flying there again but you never know.  It was good fun.  Flocky didn't come to Scotland but maybe next year - it is good fun....

Recovery Mode

There is something rather special about being driven home in one of these beasts.  The miles just flash by and the ride is smooth and effortless and you hear hardly any noise.  The temptation to floor it would be too much for me :-)  I'd lose my licence in about 25 miles! :-)

It was the culmination of quite a weekend.  On Thursday I had been in London and got soaked on the way home and by the time that no one had wanted to pick me up and I'd got home, I needed to dry out my suit, jacket, shoes and overcoat.  As luck would have it, my Regalia, in a case remained dry but my umbrella was wet and wind damaged :-(  It took quite a while to dry things out and as luck would have it, by 2 am or thereabouts I was able to assemble things together so that in the morning I could do final packing and not have a damp bag.

Flocky picked me up on Friday morning and we (well he) drove to Southampton.  We were able to book into our Hotel early but we hadn't counted on no lift and so we were confronted with 3 flights of stairs and a long walk to our rooms.  This would come back to haunt us.  We went to TGIF for lunch which was very nice indeed, although I'm no great lover of chain outlets it was OK.  We then headed back, got showered and changed for the meeting at the nearby Novotel.  When we got there we found out that there were some double bookings and we had to get to the 5th floor to change.  I managed the first lift up but elected to walk down and walk up and down again as I really didn't like the idea of getting 6 or 7 of us in a lift at a time and there were well over 200 brethren there.  We then took our cases to our Hotel (next door) and had to go up and down 3 flights of steps!  At this point I realised how unfit I was :-)

We had a nice meal and I was fortunate to sit next to an old friend of mine who was my Committee Chair when I was at the Charity, he had just had a Scan as he has Prostate Cancer and they need to make a decision on what to do about that.  So we chatted about that and many other things too.  He was good company and he held a high office in the Province but as Flocky said he really was a nice chap and very good company indeed.  
On Saturday Flocky took me to Southampton Airport - a mere 4 miles from our Hotel but that took us close to 20 minutes because of the Traffic Lights!  It was a nice little airport and I spent time in the Coffee Lounge watching the planes taking off and landing.  I was meant to be in a Flybe  Embraer E-195 aircraft but over a period of weeks my flight had been put back almost 2 hours and I actually flew on a Bombardier Dash 8 Q400, which was a bit disappointing but there you go we made Glasgow in great time - 1 hour and 15 minutes I think.  I had to admit to not feeling particularly good on the flight or a couple of times during the day suffering with what felt like Angina!

I was met at the airport by one of the Scots Lodge members and driven the 30 or so minutes to Strathaven Hotel where I met my colleagues in good time for a double Glenmorangie to be thrust in to my hands and the day to really begin.

In Southampton and the South of England it had been raining constantly but it was quite pleasant in Scotland however that changed overnight and we managed to get particularly wet getting home at 3 in the morning!!  YES, 3 in the morning.  We had a lovely meeting and meal followed by a Harmony (a sort of self put on show - the Bag Pipes (3 master of Pipes) were just amazing - I will see if I can get some photos on here.  My friend and I did our two sketches - one in the main hall and the Nelson sketch in the pub afterwards!  The first was funny but the second (whether through drink or otherwise) brought the house down - the props just added to the fun.

All too soon, the evening was beginning to get quite boisterous and around 2:30 we decided to get back to the Hotel.  After we said our goodbyes we headed up the hill (more like a mountain).  Once again, I was out of breath but my colleague, who has Asthma and other chest complaints was suffering in the cold and the dampness as it was chucking it down with rain and it could only have been a handful of degrees.  We got back about 3 or just past but by the time I was ready to hit the sack it was 3:20 - I didn't need any bedtime story I can tell you - I was out like a light.  This year we had breakfast at Gentlemen's hours and around 9:00 we were having a Scottish breakfast and we got on the road about 10:30 or 10:40 - the journey home was only eventful when we got near Northampton where a small flood had topped the road - the car in front hit it and swerved on the edge of loss of control, a Jaguar like mine, thank goodness for 3 tons of car and all wheel drive as we certainly had some aquaplaning but the car just ploughed on nicely in control.  

I unfortunately heard the result of the World Championship in Formula 1 but not the circumstances of that win and I got home just in time to see the rerun of the Brazilian Grand Prix and it was an absolute classic which but as I knew the outcome of the overall thing I had some of the excitement (and it was exciting as he may have lost the thing on lap one - it was very lucky he didn't) mitigated by that.

I've now got some decisions to make about myself and where to go next.  I think the weekend gave me some time to think things through but in reality, what I would really like is to get my head into gear quickly and actually knuckle down and start to sort things out systematically - that's the plan - whether or not it happens is another thing altogether. :-)

What a weekend

I'll do so more later in the week but suffice it to say it was a good few days but I am very tired as I only got a little sleep between Thursday and today (Sunday).  It was good to have a long chat and time with Flocky Bicep as that helped me to crystallise some of my recent thoughts.  A crazy night out in Scotland was just what the doctor ordered and it was, indeed a fantastic meeting, meal and harmony afterwards.  Suffice it to say I got to bed around 3:20 am but actually hadn't been feeling too well for most of Saturday - not sure if it was nerves or food that made me not feel great but it did mean I didn't drink a lot and so that helped me a lot.

Then to get driven home in a 6 Litre, W12 Bentley Continental from Scotland was just sublime, the engine note is absolutely amazing and produces a smile a mail wide every time the pedal is pressed.  

I am now just sorting myself out and will probably sleep for hours tomorrow :-)  More later.

Thinking of Building an Ark

It sort of follows that the US gets some sort of storm or hurricane and a few weeks later we get some sort of "weather event".  Well yesterday was like Armageddon, the heavens opened and the skies darkened and rather than walk I had to get public transport to the event.

Today, we were told that it would be a lovely sunny day and that overnight - like 2 or 3 am it would get wet and windy.  WRONG.  We had been in London, actually al fresco although it was a bit blowy earlier on but around about 9:30 all hell broke loose and the wind was driving the rain sideways so we headed to the train station and there were (unusually) lots of people around.  All the trains were delayed due to inclement weather, signal problems and on my line a broken down train.  

I need to pack the stuff I was wearing tonight ready so I can go away tomorrow - I have it all laid out drying as I'm soaked to the skin and once again the call home where three drivers and two cars on the drive went unheeded and I ended up getting a thorough soaking whilst waiting in the bus shelter and between the bus stop and home my trousers are soaked through and my umbrella is suffering from being blown inside out.  Call me a cynical bastard but you'd have thought one of them would have answered my request for a lift.  One of them actually rang me as I was on route to London asking for a lift from the station when it was dry and sunny.

Hopefully I'm not getting paranoid about this but this isn't the first time that I've ended up soaked to the skin because no one would come out.  It wasn't even that late 10:30 but there you go.  Luckily I'm away for a few days and sod them all.  At least I will be enjoying myself for the next few days and very much like this evening have a good old time to take my mind off things.

50 minutes to go

Then off to London for a Lodge meeting getting back quite late I believe then up early tomorrow with Flocky Bicep travelling to Southampton to get there for a long lunch followed by getting ready for another Lodge meeting, a few post meeting beers and then to bed up early to go to Southampton Airport in the morning and catch my flight to Glasgow to be picked up, run over to the Hotel and then off to - you guessed it another Lodge meeting followed by a meal and a Harmony where sketches, music and poems are performed and bagpipes and all sorts of things go on.  Back late - like 2 or 3 am and then being driven home to arrive home late on Sunday!  What a way to go on! :-)

I will be totally shattered come Sunday.

As I suspected

Mrs. F. was on early shift this morning so I glimpsed her leaving.  Realistically I'm now not going to see her until Sunday evening!  Oh well, it just gives me a starting situation to work from.

Communication is a key thing and the trouble is that I am (despite what you may think) quite introverted in many ways and I'm not surprisingly extremely good at soaking up all the annoyances and frustrations and can do that for years.  You don't ever want to see what I am like when I get angry or annoyed :-)

It looks like I've got a hell of a lot of work to do when I get back from Scotland but then again I knew that.  Much of the indecision and also the time taken to think this through is that it is actually quite serious.  Whilst I can't change my life in one big step and one all encompassing move, change my life is what I want but at what cost?  If I were to just please myself then everyone gets "hurt" apart from me as I get my own way -- or do I?  If I compromise, as I have done for a number of years, will I ever be happy with my lot?  In many ways I want to keep some of this life with me but maybe, just maybe that wont happen.

I don't know the answer (or maybe I intuitively do and that's why I don't want to act).  Part of me feels I should untangle the situation I'm in now and some of me yearns for a break and a clean start and yet there are so many permutations and it's just a difficult question to answer.  I don't suppose that there is an malice in the way Mrs. F. acts as she isn't like that but perhaps through getting ill I now find I need some different sort of support.  I don't know!

I'm now out and about from later today and will be heading to different places and travelling around.  The girls will be arriving back tonight and so I might bump into one or other of them, we will see but I will be back late and then off and away in the morning to Southampton, then Saturday Glasgow and then home late on Sunday.  After this - I need to work on getting things completed for Christmas.  Newsletters, Cards, presents etc all need sorting out!  At least I will have few distractions even though I am out every weekend between now and mid January!

What a Day

Our weather forecasters (who also assure me that Global Warming is real) suggested that we would be clear of rain by lunchtime and that it would be a lovely day from mid afternoon onwards.  At around 2 pm I found myself turning on the lights as it looked like an Apocalypse was about to unload itself on us.  

I was due out and was going to walk the 2 or 3 miles or whatever it is to a meeting but ended up hanging about and then grabbing public transport.

To make matters worse after the meeting Mrs. F. kindly came and got me but it was obviously begrudgingly.  I could have got a Taxi or someone could have run me home but as it was I spent a while in the car going home trying to make conversation against the "great wall of silence".  The unfortunate thing is (I realise) that I won't be seeing Mrs. F. until late Sunday night at the earliest as I'm away now until then.  I feel bloody minded enough just to let that happen and see what the effect is.  I have a meeting that means I wont be home until midnight at the earliest tomorrow and then on Friday I'm away early in the morning and I won't be home until Sunday.

I'm neutral, almost blasé about this because - it isn't me that's dealing out the grief, far from it.  I just find that any grief fired in my direction only gets my back up further and I reciprocate in kind and add interest.  OK maybe I shouldn't do that but that's the way I'm built, that's the way I protect myself and that's just tough.

In a way, I don't care at the moment as I am out to please myself (I know that's selfish but perhaps, just maybe, I've earned that right by now).  Whatever it is, the parting has been one of no words or anything else and that's sad, I did try but that's not important I guess.  

In recent months I have been really trying to communicate and get back to some semblance of "normality" and yet despite those efforts it isn't to be.  I have a mission to sort this out when I get back from Scotland once and for all because it makes for troubled times and it ties me to an impossible plot and theme one that I cannot hope to achieve.  

Messed up again

Strange old morning - I've done a bit of work on the bathroom and just faffed about, I've printed off the scripts for the weekend jaunt to Scotland and packed the props and suddenly I feel like I've dropped off a cliff and just feel awful for no apparent reason at all.

It is a pretty strange feeling I have to say but there you go, it comes and goes like this a lot these days.  I feel a little sick in the pit of my stomach a little tight across the chest and have a dry throat and it's all in my mind it is just so debilitating - I have absolutely no interest in doing anything even though I have things to do.  This will pass a little later on I'm certain.  I was doing quite well up to now.   

Fear Itself

It was Franklin D. Roosevelt who coined that phrase:

During his inauguration on March 4, 1933, occurred in the middle of a bank panic, hence the backdrop for his famous words: "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."

It is a most bizarre thing that we just beat ourselves up and invent the fear and live up to it.  Too many times I've been in that situation and my mind has got the better of me.  Sure, some of the things that have happened to me aren't nice and the weren't pleasant but fear made them worse.  Once I was "used to them" I could live with them and waiting and other indignities are now part of every visit but it doesn't bother me so much because that is the system.

I realise that my father's death did affect me in many subtle ways.  Strange things happen these days that really create a wobble in my day to day equilibrium.  

Fear is a massive factor in Cancer - I mean things like will it recur, will it be treatable, will you die and so on.  It IS frightening and it's only when people remember and tell you what I was like say 5 years ago that I realise how ill I actually was and how near I was to having a far worse time.

Setting out a vision for the future

It is always a good chat with my business partner.  Both of us had cancer at the same time and surgery overlapped by a day or two.  Mine wasn't radical surgery - his was and so we both began to spend time chatting comparing notes and it's been cathartic because we were both going through similar symptoms and reactions and so we've helped each other along the way.  He is about 6 or 7 years my junior and this is an interesting age gap - he hasn't hit 50 yet and so we have different outlooks on where to go from here.  I've said before that I really want to just take things easy, make a living but on my terms as I've had so much time for myself and my needs and wants to have that taken away is one of the areas that I can see would affect my decisions.

Currently I am waiting to hear back from one job.  It's a pretty interesting job but would mean me becoming an employee again and I just don't know that I really, deep down inside, want that.  However I need to be a realist and to set out something for sticking some money into the bank account and allowing us to eat and pay the bills.  I'm a bit of a closet artisan really - I'd love to make money by making things, pottery, paintings, photographs, crafts and so on.  Of course I very much doubt that you'd actually pay the bills doing this for a living and you'd need a series of small enterprises to keep you going.  A chap in the village paints and sells prints of the originals but he also does commissions and he runs the weekly Jazz club too.  I think he just about keeps body and soul together doing that, you see his paintings all around the local area in pubs and clubs and exhibitions.  I'd certainly like to do something like that but of course you need to find you niche and then go for it.  

I think that the genealogy business will have three peak times per year, Christmas, Father's and Mother's Day.  I can see some times when it will be quiet and then I'll need to substitute doing something else in its place and I could set up a couple of small businesses aimed at the clubs and social market.  It would be something along the line of targeted marketing and selling on personalised items that they can use for fund-raising etc.  I know there is a market or an appetite for these sorts of things as many people ask me whether I can source things like pens and personal pepper pots etc.  It might be another line to pursue especially as I have friends who are engravers and another who runs a personalisation business.

I will work on this from next week when I get back from Scotland.

Neck is a bit better

I've been using the heat bag (wheat bag) a couple of times and it seems to have worked and whilst I can still feel the strain it is a lot better.  My business partner came over today and I finally took him on the circular walk from my house.   It is slightly modified and I changed part of the route to go past the Firs and a Fallen Oak tree all whitened in the sun which I have a painting of in my front room.

It is about an hour long and we ended up at the local pub for a few beers and a sandwich - all very nice - it is what I like about living here.  I was particularly interested to listen to his experiences (similar to mine) about the current job market - it really isn't where we want to be - the Corporate jobs are just dire and in no way would use our skills and experience - perhaps we are looking in the wrong places.  The trouble is that to align with start ups is also a difficult task because of the circle of advisers that appear to mentor these people - more like the money people spreadsheet managing them.

I have made a decision that this weekend is my drop-dead date for the majority of outstanding jobs I've not heard from - if I haven't heard, then they don't exist.  I have one opportunity that I am waiting to hear from and it's only been a few days since I heard from them.  If that goes flat or cold then I think I need to spend a day or two with Mrs. F. and set out a vision of the future and see where we get to with that.  

What on Earth have I done to my neck

I woke about 5 am and felt my neck cricked and cold :-(  It's been sore all day long - what a nightmare.  Had heat pack treatment and walking around the house in a scarf to keep it warm!

Have done almost all my shopping for Christmas on-line this afternoon - a few more things to get for Mrs. F. but maybe I can have a look at the Airport as I'll have a bit of time to kill whilst I am there as my flight has been rescheduled to be an hour and a half later.

I need to get packed and sorted out for this week - I have things to do on every day and the challenge is to make sure I have got everything sorted as I have three meetings one after the other so no time to get that wrong. 

That was good

A nice meeting and very pleasant afternoon.  I must try and get my breathing right again in these small Lodge rooms - I tend to get quite panicky right at the start in these small rooms and I was "trapped" in a corner which really didn't help much but then I realised that the fans were turning, there was a breeze and I had plenty of room to move around.  It may seem strange to you that I get like this but it is very frightening and I nearly walked out before we started but did some rationalising and also I knew that the room was plenty big enough for us and that as long as there was air circulating I'd be OK.  Better than that, I'd been in here with far more people and survived.

I need to get a grip on this situation in the New Year as it is debilitating especially on trains and the like.  I have a feeling that it has got worse recently and I wonder whether I need to just get some correctional stuff done through my hypnotherapist.  It's in the mind of course and it relates back to childhood and also a number of times I've been on crowded trains and the like.  I'm OK in a plane as I have a seat, I have air blowing on me and the plane is only crowded when people get on or off of it.

This time next week we should be getting into the swing of it - some how gone midnight last time I was in Scotland and the snow started falling like mad - we got back to the Hotel and had a small white out - mind you it was 3 in the morning!

Pulling Through

I feel that I am pulling through this period of being really down in the dumps and I'm beginning to have more ups than downs although the downs are still there.  My dreams have been amazingly vivid in the past few months and some have been disturbing, others amusing and some downright weird.  

I woke this morning in a not terribly nice place, I once again thought of my dad and him being in that hospital but once I got up and moving then things changed a bit and I felt a lot better.  I need to get myself ready to go out and as I'll be doing the driving I will be on soft drinks for the day - not a problem as such as I imagine by this time next week (and I should be in the air by then) I will have had enough to drink for a month.  This week really kicks off and I think that I'll be so full on that I won't be thinking too much about anything other than getting packed and between destinations as needed.

The good thing is that I can see that I'm a little bit brighter than I have been for a while, I've worked through a number of issues and whilst there's plenty more to do, things look a little better than they have for a while.