Confidence

If you knew me when I was at work you'd know that I was fully self assured and self confident - top of my game I always felt and whilst I may have come across as arrogant the thing was that's the way my personality type (INTJ) naturally is.  That is when I was at work.  I'm a very different person and very rarely will I say the first word or start a conversation.  I might smile at people and acknowledge them but it isn't usual.  

I tend to rely on the other party to start things off.  Of course the proviso is "unless I know you" or I know someone you know then it is quite legitimate to go chat to someone as I did on Saturday night and I'm really quite pleased I did because enough people have told me that I'm pretty engaging sort of chap and I have a good listening skills as well these days - I no longer need to be the one doing the talking.  It worked great on Saturday night and I'm feeling good because one of the biggest worries was to make some friends locally and to build a new circle of friends.  So far that seems to be going quite well and I am feeling great because it isn't as difficult as I thought it was going to be and people are friendly and you only have to ask.

I was having a lovely but rather loud shouting chat with this young lady P on Saturday and hopefully I'm seeing her on Friday as well so that will be nice - perhaps we can have a chat at a slightly lower level even though it will be at another gig.  

But again, I'm getting out, building a new life, it's exciting and enjoyable.  Surely that's the thing - get out there and enjoy my life a bit more.

I'll Take That Any Day

I do find that a relaxing Sunday is a nice thing to do.  Today I couldn't get the lawn sorted or the debris cleaned away from the storms of 6 weeks ago.  The ground is still soggy and so it will just have to wait until things are better.

I've had a lazy old day today and getting myself ready for the onslaught this week - I must get on and do some serious work on the web site and also the price lists.  It is all in my head and now needs to be committed to paper so it can be developed.  

I sure hope that I can start to secure some work but really want the web site up and running as well.  I also have a final set of tweaks on the discount structure to put together.  In some ways I'm not too keen on discounting too much as I have a pretty keen price now but know I have to do something.  It's proving a little more difficult to work it out so it is consistent.

Anyway - a quiet day and one where I just relaxed and enjoyed myself.  I'm really looking forward to Friday night and going out and meeting P again and having a chat with her without - I hope - too much noise.  

Things Happen To Me

Friday night my mate calls and we go to Town - in this case Town is Sevenoaks - it's rather nice and we bump into an old friend of ours S.  She is a promoter of bands and works at the local theatre too.  It's interesting what happens now.  I asked her whether she knew if anything was going on in the village on Saturday night as I was at a loose end.  Indeed she does and whilst she ran me home - she lives around the corner from me - she suggests that she calls me and we go over and see one of her bands playing.

I was just getting ready when the doorbell went and off we went to the pub and her band were just setting up.  We were right at the front so my ears are buzzing somewhat this morning.  But blow me, I met this girl last week at the other gig and lo and behold, it turns out she is S's best friend!  Doh.  So we had an interesting evening chatting about this and that and we are meeting up this Friday for another gig.  It appears she likes live music too so let's see what happens.

It must be me, or the new me these days but life is really great and I am enjoying the whole thing and last night at this gig was no exception.  I had a lovely time with S & P and a few beers and a good laugh and a chat in between songs.

I like it here.  Things happen to me and it all happens for a reason.....

Seize The Day

Well that wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be.  It was rather Cathartic as it happens to go through and throw out my past....  Some ties in my collection are 25 years old and one is 30 years old.  It's time they went - they are unlikely to get worn again.  I've kept my formal ties and bits.  I have some more of my formal wear still at the old house which I need to go and get.  I have bow ties and the like there and my patent shoes.

So I've been utterly ruthless with things - I've thrown out my trousers, shirts, sweatshirts and tee shirts.  Anything that looked old, anything that hasn't been worn in 6 months isn't likely too so that was binned as well.

So here's the pile I chucked out - it's about a 2/3rds of my wardrobe I guess

My Clothes tidy is looking very tidy and also rather bare - enough clothes for 10 to 14 days at the most now where I could have lived for 6 weeks before I reckon.

The suitcases now on top of the wardrobe and all my formal wear to the right and my nice shirts to the left.  A box of odds and sods and that's it about done.

All bagged up ready to go to the local Clothes recycling bank.... 

Yes I do need to buy some clothes but do yo know what?  I don't need that many as I can wander around in jeans and tee shirts most of the time and I really need some nice casual clothes to go out with.  Hopefully my friend is going to take me out to do some shopping - she's got a good eye and so hopefully I can get myself a small wardrobe of new things.  I certainly realise that I don't need a lot.  All my old office stuff has all gone which was the bulk of it and I certainly won't be needing that again in a hurry.  

First Day Of Spring

So that's Spring Cleaning and for me, chucking out all my old clothes that I am never, realistically, going to wear.  I've been told by a friend to be ruthless.  I have a couple of suitcases full of clothes that I haven't used since I've been here.  I have lots of formal wear stuff that I am unlikely to use.  

There's a storage rail downstairs that I might be able to use to put my Evening Suits and the like and I've a chest of drawers available to me as well for some storage.  Interesting.  So let the games commence.  I will then probably just wander over to the clothes bank and drop these in - some may be useful to someone.  Any good stuff can go to the charity shop.  I have lots of work shirts and ties even that I am unlikely ever to need again.  They too can hit the rubbish.

It is going to be painful but it has to be done for a couple of reasons.  One is to reduce the clutter, two is to throw away the past. Three is to throw away stuff I just no longer wear or would want to wear and four is so that I can make room to buy some new clothes to mark my independence.  I've already bought some great shoes and jeans and later today my new casual shoes will arrive, I have new trainers too.  It's all coming together.

What next?

I  got my first clear nibbles of work today when I substituted for my friend at his Business Breakfast Meeting.  It's not bad a room of 40 and two good nibbles isn't bad - I tend to consider that 2% is a good return and this was more like 5%.  So far so good the arguments are compelling and I got my 60 seconds out in 55 seconds :-)

One is a box full of photographs that have been inherited.  Another was for some video tape transfers.  

Let's see how that goes - I should have passed my business cards around for the room - next time I will do so.

As these things go it went as well as it could - I don't like these pre-scripted, regimented affairs - they work very well for the participants but in reality they don't float my boat at all - I tend to know most of what they "teach" each other.  Most of it is after all just common business sense.

I've twisted my back probably doing the scanning in cramped conditions!  I need to make sure that I properly swivel my chair not my body when I do this work.  It's been fun today after I got back, I had the car washed, did some shopping forgetting that we had some coming today by delivery van!  Doh!  I've ordered bulk meat supplies to arrive next week from the guy that does my Christmas meats.  Looking forward to that as there are some Wagyu and Ostrich along with the basics.

I need to get my backside into gear though tomorrow - I think I will slightly change my schedule and I'll go clean my room then do some Lodge work rather than the business.  I can then get rid of those chores and be clear to do the business stuff.  It's time to launch it and stop messing about.  I just need to make sure that the plans I've got are updated and I can then start to build some interest.

Cancer And It's Impact On My Life

I thought about this the other day and realised that I knew that if I survived that I'd end up here, where I am now.  By that I mean split up from my wife and looking at life a little differently.  

There was an article I think I put it up here in January about divorce and what lay beneath the problems and how this journalist suddenly realised that she was undermining her husband and it struck me that in many ways this happened with me.

Low key could best be described my Cancer diagnosis, operations and treatments.  Don't get me wrong my wife helped me through all of this and took me there and back and lived with my dark depression and my black sense of humour.  But it isn't her well not her of later years.  I was commenting with a friend of mine who felt that I was henpecked.  Far from the truth but I got more entrenched with each loss of my position in the house.

Things gradually migrated from me to her.  Mowing the lawn and just about every chore even my job of cooking Sunday Lunch gradually got taken away from me.  I just retreated into a silent world of computers and reading or listening to music.  As I grew further away so I gave up more and more until I finally came to the decision I needed to come to.  

Although I felt no one took Cancer seriously I was in for a surprise last year when everyone was upset as they thought it had come back.  I saw that it impacted on my children far more than anyone let on.  Maybe they feel I've just kicked them in teeth but for my own sanity leaving was probably the only real option.  I like the idea of getting myself back to the person I was before Cancer and to the fun loving, carefree person I was.  I like the fact that I'm building my business and I'm enjoying my freedom most of the time.  Thirty Two years is a long time to live with someone so the wrench is taking a bit of getting used to.   It's over 7 weeks now and I really am getting into the swing of it now.  

Tomorrow will be interesting as I will be "selling" the business at a Business Breakfast meeting and really I should be in bed by now.  I've actually been chatting online to a friend and I'm quite excited by the chat we've had.  She has just finished reading A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle that I lent her.  It is refreshing to hear her recent changes in life and attitude.  We often meet up four of us but that's not going to be possible now as she takes on a new career challenge.  Somehow I'm trying to put together a meeting that she can meet up with us again - difficult.

Life has taken on a new meaning to me but I'm still not out of the looking over my shoulder or wondering whether I should be doing this or that :-) It is strange not having Mrs. F. around but I'm getting used to it.... :-) As You Do....

A Different Sort Of Day

I got a bit of a shock as I found that my daughter A had been to Lisbon and whilst I knew that someone was going what I hadn't expected to hear was that Mrs. F. and A went.   Now I suppose that I shouldn't be surprised about that but it did give me a partial wobble for no especial reason.  In many ways I'm pleased as I know she met up with a friend a while ago and now she has gone for a long weekend to Lisbon - a place we had promised we would go to! 

I'm pleased for her and of course it does mean that perhaps she is coming to terms with things and at least getting out and about - perhaps it means that we can start having some serious conversations about the future now?  

It's been 7 weeks yesterday and I'm enjoying it still with the odd tinge of regret of course.  I find that just every now and then I think about my big house and home life but I just replay the reasons why I'm not there and I feel OK again.  I certainly haven't enjoyed some of the "old age" flashbacks or flash forwards I suppose and this is to do with my dad and his last days more than anything else.   There's a bit of me that is wondering where it's all headed - which is funny because half the fun is not knowing where it is headed :-)

I've been able to leave my old house and village and not miss them.  That's a strange thing I thought I'd be homesick but I'm not, I like it here.  I do have roots around here but would I be prepared to go out further or somewhere altogether different?  I'll have to wait and see.

I'm up at the crack of Sparrows tomorrow to attend a business meeting that starts at 6:30 !! Luckily I'm much nearer to the location than the last time I went in November.  I've actually done an Elevator Pitch for the meeting itself so it will be interesting to see how it goes down.  

Thats Better - More Concentration And Less Thinking

It's been a good day so far.  I've really cracked on with some work although I find I can't do three things at once :-) I need to concentrate on my business plans but I'm also doing some of the learning work too and actually the two aren't compatible at all :-)  So tomorrow I will have a paperwork day and today can be my practical day.

I learnt some interesting things about scanning today.  I could have spent almost $90 on a gadget for my scanner but paid only £8 for some magnets which, assembled properly actually do the same job :-) Yay!  The power of the Internet is generally someone has done it before and are willing to share how they did it with you.  

I have some very strange shaped negatives which are giving me some grief to scan but once again I'm sure the Internet will come to my aid :-)

I found myself looking at scans of my two girls and Mrs. F. and myself from years back and I had to fight back a few tears when I saw my eldest A in her Angel costume for the Nativity Play.  I DO miss the girls now and haven't seen them for a while although to be fair I have actually seen them but they haven't come here or met me yet.  They haven't seen the house either.  Oh well, I hope that they'll come around - it feels like they don't want to see me but that's me being paranoid I reckon.

I am feeling like I am almost there now and can launch pretty soon.  I have enough scans under my belt but not enough video conversions (using my computers) as of yet.  A few more weeks and I reckon I will be able to launch things properly.  Fingers crossed.

Not So Bad A Day

I cracked on with the little job I was doing which is now complete.  So far, so good.  It's  interesting as I priced the work up and it took just under a week in duration (not effort) and would have paid a fair rate too.  So I'm pleased about that.  I need to hone my skills but of course, that's what it is all about and tomorrow I can get tucked into some more hard graft and try and improve the throughput workload.  I still need to be able to quote for the work and win it of course.  

I'm going out on Thursday to represent the chap that has given me use of his postal address for my business.  I need to do some work for that as well.  However, I don't think that will be a problem either.  

I now need to see if I can get a good run at the documentation I need to produce.  It isn't easy doing the house and work at the same time.  Tomorrow I will give it a good go though and see if I can discipline myself to work right through rather than have so many interruptions.

Just Get On With It - It Seems Selfish Somehow

I've never thought myself selfish and I would always help others above myself and somehow I've got to start to look out for myself.  I had this problem early on when I had cancer.  I spent most of the time helping other people come to terms with my illness and never really looked inwards and towards my own well being and I recall this internal fight I had at the time.  Given where I am now and my situation I suppose I ought to realise that I can't make things better for other people.  I can help them understand it but I can't do anything about it.

I was pretty cut up on Friday about my friend - but I can't do anything.  I was pretty cut up about Mrs. F. but I can't do anything about it.  

Difficult as it is I need to look after No.1 and that's it for the moment.  I can't live anyone's life for them no matter how I feel for and about them.  

I am also having some pretty awful flashbacks at the moment and some flash forwards.  I know what this is - it's about the uncertainty of where I am at the moment, getting old, being on my own and it is also about where do I see myself in a few years.  

I've walked out on my wife and also on a number of friendships that sort of leave me regretting that they didn't blossom to where I dreamt they might.  My dreams lie in tatters but that's really not the point either, I realise that dreams and plans that I used to have (that felt real) aren't to be trusted they end up disappointing me and so this living in the present (which is not easy to do) continues to require hard work to stay on track and focussed.

Today I start to change that once again as I'm almost there in terms of business planning.  I need to concentrate a little more and get things finished I also need to stop this worrying about other people.  I cannot do anything about it.  I need to pull away and disengage myself from it too.  I'm doing all the driving and I think that realistically I need them to do any driving or any actions.  It isn't for me to do.

This is all about making the break and moving on.  It is pretty difficult not to hanker back to the easy life I had.  To yearn for the friendships I had and strive for things that cannot possibly happen no matter how unpalatable that feels to me now.  I need to move on and that's it.

Shout Out For Steve

For Steve K who has his Flexible Cystoscopy tomorrow 17th March.  So far this year everyone has had positive news and so now here's hoping that continues.  

Prayers, thoughts, crossed fingers all welcome.  

No Matter How Much It Hurts

I just can't get involved and help someone out who is very special to me.  Much as I can't go throw my arms around Mrs. F. and give her a comforting hug and I'd like to do that.  I still have fond memories of my marriage to her and growing up together.  I found that all the fun had gone out of the marriage and that somehow was one of the major reasons to go - I felt sad so much of the time and I wasn't the sad one the whole place was freezer like :-)  But I see her and I feel wretched that she is so sad and my natural reaction is to go put my arms around her but I can't.

Another very very good friend of mine is having some pretty awful problems and I can't do anything about it, nothing at all because it isn't appropriate.  I've been in a strange place these past couple of days as I finally, finally realise that I just cannot be part of my friend's life, well not unless something miraculous happens I suppose.  I can't hold on to that hope either it isn't in the present, it's in the past and that's the bottom line.  I just find it hard to "get it" because of the strange way my mind works.  So I've dropped a line out this morning and will now work on disengaging myself from the day-to-day and getting suckered in - wanting to be helpful but it isn't my place to do so no matter how friendly.

The thing is though what am I feeling? "Do you think that is air you are breathing now Neo?" I have no idea what is really going on - it's all in my imagination and all the scenarios playing around in my head because I still cannot get rid of the INTJ in my head.  It is just impossible not to play them out and theorise. But, the crazy thing is that I know this and I have this little head battle going on still - my logical head knows this is a lost cause and shouldn't be given thought space.  My heart head still has deep feelings and they need to go away, it's over and that's that.  My logical brain is saying move on, it's in the past, it was fantastic, it was beautiful, it was lovely but you can't go back there no matter how painful it was (and still is) you can't go and repair it or replay it.  It wasn't anyone's fault it was the just the way it was. 

Working Routine

It's difficult to remember that I am now running a business again as I am quite relaxed about how things are.  By that I mean that I find the worries I would have had are no longer there.  I know I have to work at this but it will come naturally and will grow - I can't expect it to be like my former business where I started with an amazing contract and didn't look back for about 8 years - until that is - I got ill. 

Now, it's a different thing as I practice to make sure I am going to provide a professional job for my customers.  I have a set of videos and cassettes I am doing for a friend and that seems to be going well so far.  The direct transfer is certainly working nicely which I am so pleased about.  The videos are of pretty good quality and I can see that this is an easier way to build the business in some ways as it is almost unattended (albeit I have to be there to start and stop the process).  

I can envisage just allowing this to grow organically and that's going to be fine by me.  I like the idea that my friend suggested last night to give it around 6 months to settle in and to then average out the income as it will be very up and down as I have to generate my own sales and do the work :-)

Anyway - I am looking forward to the challenge immensely and the work is quite rewarding in it's own way.  

Testing Testing Testing

And yet more testing and making sure I can get things right.  I am doing a series of VHS-C and 8mm Videos to DVD and also some Cassettes of voice overs this chap does.  It is quite interesting as I have done a fair amount of these before.  Doing so many at once I am bundling them together to allow me to work on them all together.

I'm really enjoying this now although there are the odd hiccups with the technology and the terminology to overcome.  Hopefully I'll be able to do that :-) It also gives me a good idea about my charge out rates which I have already started to amend a little.   

At least I know what can and cannot be achieved with the kit I have now and after chatting to my Accountant on Friday I am ready to take on the world?  Well maybe this part of the country to start with :-)

The main thing is to get into some sort of routine again here.  Today has flown by and I've got lots of things done alas only the last two hours have been business based :-)  Oh well, I will have to try harder to get office hour discipline into my work.  I'm sure it will come especially when the orders start to arrive.

For now though practice makes perfect as they say and I am building up my library of documents and check lists and what works and what doesn't.  Life is beginning to get fun again. 

Beautiful Day - Blue Skies, Not A Cloud In Sight

There's a Blackbird out here singing his little heart out, the sun is blazing out of a blue sky and it is pleasantly warm AT LAST :-) 

What a nice day, I've opened the windows and let the air in and the house looks great in the sunshine.  It's Sunday and I am not doing any work at all today.  I am going down to the pub later to see the International Rugby match and grab a few beers at the same time.

I feel great today.  There was a Lodge meeting and we had the Provincial Grand Master attend (he's like the head of our order) and the meeting went brilliantly.  I am clear again which is, whether you admit it or not, a brilliant thing.  I think that no matter how positive you may be it is still a huge huge relief to get the all clear.  

Life is great at the moment and the business is the next thing to get going.  I spoke to the Accountant on Friday and I'm now in a good place to start trading.  I have a few more things to get straight - hopefully one video capture card and I can really get moving.

But today, it's about enjoying the weather and the Rugby and getting on with the locals again :-)  

ALL CLEAR ALL CLEAR

All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear. 

Well guess what my news is?  Can't well it is All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear!!! :-) 

Delighted but not leaping about with the news.  So pleased it WAS my consultant although she was handling different equipment (excuse the double entendre) - the cystoscope was on a camera and had a slight delay so she did apologise - we both noticed the difference :-) 

The Private Hospital sure does stuff differently including having some sort of cloth pants to put on - bizarre indeed.  Anyway was in and out in good time, easy to park and easy to get there and back again.  They did so much paperwork and we had wristbands and everything as if it was an operation - my Consultant was bemused by the process too :-) 

Anyway, I'm delighted that things are OK.  I'll live with the stinging and stuff and will go and lie down later today.  Maybe I'll just switch on the telly :-) 

The Night Before

Everything is in place, alarm call changed, comfy shoes sourced, I have my bag, my water is in the fridge, my tablets and stress balls are ready, the MP3 player is charged and loaded with music.  I need to choose a light tee shirt and hopefully I will be ready to go.  

A number or well wishers have wished me luck and all I need do now is turn up and I'm going to go early so that I can get there in plenty of time to park up and relax.  I can get myself in to the place about 15 minutes early to see where I have to go.  Lets hope it is a nice seamless process and as it is a small private hospital I hope that I'll be in parked, seen and out ASAP.

It's an easy enough thing to do - a urine sample, trousers and pants off and a gown placed either way around your body.  Keep your shoes and socks and tee shirt on.  On the table and the cystoscope takes a matter of minutes that's all.  

The worry is, as always, that they might find something in there but I just hope that it will be nothing at all as it has been for all this time now.  The last two of three have been false positives and I hope that my Consultant will be doing it as she is more experienced and also, to be honest, she really doesn't hurt me that much which I can't say that the last two Registrars did.

Of course, it will be what it will be.  I have been a little cranky this week - I found myself feeling claustrophobic for a short while last night and of all things in the shower this morning!  How strange but I know what this is and can do things about it and that to me is the key.  I know what this is and I can tackle it and stop it.

Heard from my mum that one of my girls had given her a call which is nice.  I don't want them to lose touch with their grandmother and vice versa.  So at least that is something.  I'm a bit worried that one of them hasn't really been in touch but let it settle down and let's see where it goes from there.

Problem Solved

It was driving me nuts as I knew my scanner was faster than it was being with me.  I found out why - a good night's sleep  was all that was needed and a fresh look at the problem.  A few experiments earlier today and voila - problem solved.  I had asked the scanner to do a little too much processing prior to displaying the results and this morning - I got back to the levels I was expecting and thank goodness for that - the business looked completely unviable using the previous settings :-) I could have been drawing my old age pension I reckon :-)

I am feeling sort of OK about tomorrow's poke and peek.  I find these things a little daunting of course, who wouldn't?  But it is at a Private Clinic so parking should be OK.  I'm going to leave early and just spend time in the car park - I have music and I can work with my Lenovo Yoga touchpad and listen to music as well.  This time tomorrow it will all be over for another x months - I have yet to see what schedule they've put me on.

I just hope that they are a little more gentle than last time as I was "pissing razor blades" for a good few hours.  I certainly hope it is my Consultant who will see me.  She is gentler than the last two who have done me.

I've also now got my new editing software for videos and Blu Ray - it looks pretty good so far.  I am hoping that I can realise the authoring of these DVDs with perhaps a little advert to commence and then a menu and that they will take less time to assemble and burn - it certainly looks like it so far.

Flashbacks

I get these every now and again.  This one was rather different as I was walking to the Post Office - an interesting walk involving crossing the rail tracks!  It was sunny, mildly warm and there was the faint smell of blossom in the air and it reminded me of my first house and how exciting it had been, that amazing feeling of the beginning of a new journey and a new adventure and being full of hope and looking forward to my life.  Of course this was with Mrs. F. at the time and I came across some photos of us in those early days.  How things changed and how sad I felt that we should have ended up like this.

I was sad because I can imagine how she feels but then again, I doubt she imagines how I feel.  I was happy enough today otherwise.  Of course apprehensive about Friday but that's only to be expected really.  I know that I feel well and that things appear to have been going well.

I find myself in a good frame of mind but I find that I miss my friend H very much - we are in touch but haven't met for 8 months or more now and she means so much to me.  Maybe we will get a chance later this year?  I'd like to hope so.  No - it's not what you think :-)

The business is keeping me busy but I find, like most things these days, there's always something that doesn't quite work - my software needs upgrading as the stuff I have doesn't quite do what I want it to.  No problems just means I need to do some more practice that's all.

Doing the work and running the business is going to be interesting I think.  I haven't tried (yet) but will do, running concurrence tests for video and scanning and perhaps editing and burning all at the same time to see how it goes.

Things are a little frustrating as the software never is intuitive - either that or I'm thick :-)  It's a matter of trial and error and documenting the best way to do things.  It will all come out in the wash as they say.  Speaking of which I did my ironing today and I'm getting quite domesticated.  

Ramping Up Ready For Friday

I bought my Ibuprofen and Paracetamol today along with some bottled water and have got my stress balls out ready, charged up my MP3 player and got my bag ready.  I always did like to get things sorted early.  I'm not as cranky as I thought might be but I definitely feel a little apprehensive and yet in many ways I am confident that I shouldn't have a recurrence.  I just hope they don't thump into my bladder wall again and make it look like a false positive that would be annoying. 

I've done my washing and shopping today and we've got rid of loads and loads of cardboard and rubbish.  I'm just waiting now for Flocky to give me the go ahead to put my stuff in the Attic and I can almost be clear at last.

I've been doing some more experiments today setting up Camcorder to DVD burner and to PC and changing aspect ratios and burning discs.  It's all part of a learning curve.  I wish that I had documented this a few years back when I did it last time.

A BBC Report on Bladder Cancer

It is often the case that I talk to people about bladder cancer and they are unaware of it and don't realise that, in men, it is the 4th most prevalent cancer overall it is 7th in men and women.   
The article "Why is no one talking about bladder cancer?" starts to address this.  What is surprising is that survival rates aren't going the way of other cancers.  It is very treatable with the right surgery and drugs.  It shouldn't be a mystery but it still is.

Scanning FInally Gets Underway

It's fun to start to learn how to scan in a variety of items including photos, negatives and slides.  It sure takes time to get into the groove but then I've only been doing it this afternoon.  Finally my office is becoming a production centre.  There's just too little space compared to my old home office.  Mind you, this will do I just have to be very clean and very tidy that's all.

It is strange how Friday is looming large in my mind but I shouldn't be worried as I have no symptoms or at least I don't think I do.  Let's hope that it will all be clear once again and that I can get on with my life and have that behind me.  It's no use worrying but the flashbacks aren't great at all.  I don't know how you ever stop those.

I do like being in the present most of the time - I can see that it is a bit difficult to always be there as it would be good not to worry about things.  I am not worried at the moment about anything other than changing my lifestyle a little bit more and losing some of the weight I gained over Christmas.  I am losing it but I just need to make sure that I don't have too much beer.  I seem to have been out drinking for weeks although it probably isn't.  

Anyway - let's see how I get on on Friday and take it from there.

Sugar - Once Again

HERE  is an article in the Daily Mail - not my favourite newspaper but nevertheless this is worth reading.  The subtitle is "For four decades we've been led to believe that fat is the ultimate food enemy, but we've been fed a lie: the real danger is sweet, addictive – and found in almost everything we eat"

It is one of the biggest things I could ever recommend.  Stay away from the stuff it's pretty nasty as are most of the Carbs we shove into our bodies.  

Here are the key opening sentences:

"So what do you know about eating and getting fat? If you’re the average British person then it’s probably something along these lines: eating too much fat will make me obese, clog up my arteries and lead to a heart attack, so I should follow a low-fat diet and eat lots of fruit and vegetables.

Wrong. While you were busy fretting over your saturated fats and dietary cholesterols, there was a far more potent food nasty lurking in your kitchen: sugar. The amount of sugar we eat is now being blamed not just for the obesity epidemic but for heart disease, type 2 diabetes and soaring cancer rates. It’s not just the excess calories we’re consuming; the problem lies in the way we metabolise sugar.

‘We have been sold an absolute lie about food and health,’ says Zoë Harcombe, nutritionist and author of The Obesity Epidemic. ‘It has been put about since the 1970s that fat was the bad guy, yet the only fats we know to be harmful are trans fats, and these are almost exclusively man-made. If the fat occurs naturally then it’s fine – no exceptions. Sugar, on the other hand, when added to food, is almost uniformly bad.’"

Flashbacks

Not an unusual thing to happen given how nasty it all was.  I tend to do very well these days and don't worry about living after cancer as much as I used to.  Events, like this check up bring it all back in little flashbacks, they are like mini panic attacks and I was in the shower and suddenly I was back after my first operation lying in a bed all connected up with tubes and bits.  It sure makes me shudder.

I do hope that they find nothing once again and it just allows me to move on and move further.  The longer you have no recurrences.  Of course the last couple of these I've had, I've ended up going in for an operation and both times they've found nothing.  That's probably also why I'm feeling a bit wobbly about it.

Cystoscopy 7th March

Well the letter was posted a good few days ago but only arrived yesterday at the old house and Mrs. F. quickly called me over to come and get the letter - it is at a clinic I've not been to before and off site in a Private Hospital so hopefully I can get parked up and get the procedure done.  It looks to be my consultant who is doing it so I'm hopeful that all will be OK.

Of course I'm all kranky at the moment as it does that to me.  I know it will be OK and I just need to work on getting up early enough to get over to this place.  I'd rather be there too early as it is an 08:30 appointment so it's half way over to Croydon during the rush hour - Perfect :-) (sarc).

So anyway I don't have long to ponder it and I need to remind myself to get myself together for it.  Seeing a friend of mine last night who had his esophagus removed reminded me of how ill I had been and in so many ways, it is probably only now that I truly start to realise the horror of it all because at the time whilst it frightens you the enormity isn't always entirely obvious.

My keyboard arrived and mouse and the software is loaded and I am ready to go.  I need to do some more tidying up though before then.  Wish me luck, I can hardly believe the amount of stuff I have to do.

All Quiet At The Moment

I doubt that it will be for very long though.  I haven't got my mouse and keyboard yet and so cannot get cracking on with the setup of the key components of the business.  Never mind I am not climbing the walls and neither am I at all upset about it for what purpose would that have.

I quite like the new me.  I don't get all stressed and beat myself up over things that are trivial.  So if this stuff doesn't turn up I stick in a complaint and I get in my car, drive up the road and go and get a mouse and keyboard - it's no big deal.  It's nothing to get all upset about at all.

The house is looking cluttered and tomorrow I will set to and clear away all the cardboard and also bits and start to do some serious culling of stuff that I just don't use and that I am unlikely to use.  That should give me the impetus to tackle throwing out clothes and other things as well.

For now I'm working on the website and the content, graphics and some of the basic forms that make up the site.  I've partly done the work so it is topping and tailing it which is needed.

It's very strange to not be worried about things.  I've got to remember to keep myself in check with things like spending and the like as I have limited funds but other than that I now realise that things aren't going to matter with a day here or there and that there are plenty of things to be getting on with.  

So it's a bit quiet at the moment and I expect that it will all start to come together as of this time next week.  

Sorting Stuff Out

It is against our nature to throw things away but I'm certainly going to be doing that shortly.  I have lots of clothes that I don't wear.  Coffee machines that are past their sell by date and stuff that I am unlikely to ever use again.  I have hundreds of DVD and CD software titles and I don't use them and I am unlikely to either.  It looks great a collection of software titles but they are out of date and you can get most things these days on the Internet.  It hardly seems worth keeping them really.  

My old Microsoft Developer kits are likewise only of use to me as they were licensed to me.  I doubt that it is worth me giving them to anyone as the licenses aren't valid.  I just have to destroy them.  It's getting a grip and realising that they are worthless now and have served their purpose.  They are no use, you will not use them again and even if you did need them (which is highly unlikely) you can probably download something more up to date from the web.

It's getting into that mindset that I have to achieve.  I hate to see some of the stuff go but go it has to. I need the room and it is taking up valuable space.

Four weeks and all is well

I find that I'm a very happy chappy at the moment.  I've been really quite bright with just a few small dips into my past.  I soon rectify the way I think about the past because I realise that it IS the right thing that I am doing.  It is difficult for Mrs. F.  but I haven't gone out of my way to contact her really and I feel bad about that but what are you supposed to do at a time like this?  I'd like to call and make sure she is OK but that's mixed messages.

So with that proviso I am pretty much as happy as I've been in a long time.  I love the house, the area and the people.  There's not much not to like about it apart from the sheer amount of money I've got through this past month, I never thought I'd go through that much so fast but of course there are loads of things I don't have and had to buy and the office equipment is pretty expensive too but now I've got it, things should start to look up and tomorrow I should have the last bits of the puzzle and be able to set up my two major scanners.

Then I'm ready to go and I was pleased that a friend of mine has let me use his address to receive post and act as a trading address.  That's great from my point of view and I help him out by going to his business breakfast club so that's the "pay".  

I'm hoping that within the week I will be able to get everything together for the business and start doing some small work to get my hand in.

Is it really 4 weeks?

It feels longer somehow but it is strange to remember that we moved in with a few possessions and now we can hardly move for boxes and detritus :-)  I will be culling some of my stuff - my beloved coffee machine for one.  It is great but really I can't keep it as I only use it occasionally these days and for filter coffee I have cafetieres coming out of my ears.  I have a Tassimo machine which doesn't need the high levels of maintenance that my old machine does.  

I've lots of boxes of things like software that in reality I don't actually need in my office.  I look back and I've used them what?  Twice in the last year if that!  Stuff has to go or be stored away.  I think that it is pretty much a case of being ruthless with things.  DId I ever use those bits I kept from the installation of the first kitchen that I held on to "just in case"?  No of course I didn't and there are so many things like that.  My clothes are also a case in point they too have a life of storage and not usage.  I think I could wear shirts and trousers for at least 2 months looking at what I have.  I don't need that many shirts and trousers.  Other stuff is way past its sell by date.  

Today was slightly disappointing in as much as I got my new PC which is massive and great and wonderful but there was no keyboard and mouse so I have no idea if it works or not.  I'll have to wait for them to arrive and then try it out.  What a nuisance but these days I'm not upset or annoyed or throwing my toys out of the pram or anything like that.  It just isn't necessary these days.  

Flocky finally completed on his house today and for him it was a strange and poignant day and I'm not surprised it surely must be when you finally walk away from your house and your past life.  It is a shock to the system and suddenly all the things you've planned have arrived and you aren't sure about it.  It's what you want but today it is real.

It made me think about when I returned to the house on Saturday.  I don't miss it at all, it's one of the good things about being an INTJ really.  There's a switch that says "OK, that's over let's get on with things as they are now".  My "new" life is just beginning - hell it's only a few weeks old but I am happy, confident and content.  Sure things aren't happening quite like I wanted but there's a piece of me that says - if things slip a day or two it isn't the end of the world, it's just they way it is.  I would be a nervous wreck in the old days and be upset and angry and aggressive.  Now?  I just let it happen it isn't any use getting angry or upset with things.  I can't do anything about it other than wait for when it arrives - like my bed - it arrived three days later than I thought it was going to but it makes sleeping in it all the better :-) It's a real treat, it is lovely and comfortable and warm.  It is what I wanted (almost I really fancied the designer bed but it was impractical) :-)

Soon, in a few days I will have everything I believe I need to start my business properly and get it working.  I need to do some practice and make sure I know my trade and my business.  Then I will launch it and hopefully start making some money - I need to repay my investments.  Again though, I am not worried about this.  I believe I have enough streetwise moves to make this business viable.  I have been planning and thinking about it for some years.  Now is the time to nail the opportunity.

SO 4 weeks today since we moved, hardly believable really.  Later we will be going up to London to meet a friend who owns a pub.  He has a free evening of Oysters and I believe it is either Gin or Vodka - I will find out tomorrow.  We can see how our local station and the fast trains to London work out for us too.  Looking forward to it - that's the thing these days.  I used to dread leaving the house and now I still have a little fear but I am looking forward to going to this pub and enjoying an evening out with some good friends.  Flocky and our mate MB will be there.  Oysters!  Love them.. :-)   

Back To A Real Bed

It was great to sleep in a large bed again.  The put you up is great and is ideal for a night or two but the new bed is great and the mattress also seems to be excellent.  Having taken the sensible option and gone for the storage bed I can see there is plenty of space to put things and so I need to arrange a time to go and sort out my clothes.  I'm putting it off a bit because I know that I really need to throw a lot of my clothes out as I never wear them.  I've my clothes from when I was slimmer than I am now and those can be stored easily enough but there are some things that, frankly, I'm never going to wear again so they can go to the clothes bank which is where I am going in a short while.  I need to get some shopping and I also need to get some fuel for the car too.

I quite enjoy going shopping but put it off this past week but that too is OK as I used up every last bit of food I bought :-) I don't buy a lot but it is enough to live on and I don't tend to have very much other than protein and vegetables and fat in the form of cheese, butter and cream.  I've actually noticed that I've lost quite a few pounds since 2 weeks ago as I couldn't fit into a shirt then that easily did up.  I just now need to keep that momentum up but I'm now not going for the drastic measures I did this time last year.  If there's a pint of beer on offer, as there was yesterday then I'll have it but otherwise I'll be drinking soda water which is actually quite nice.

On my own last night and today - not to worry I will go shopping and I have some washing on the go and I will probably take myself off for a walk and stumble into one or two of the pubs in the village as I did last week.  If it stops raining I might wear my new shoes which are absolute rascals.  They are brown brogue boots!  They look great with my cream trousers or a pair of jeans...  All part of my new image of myself.

Nice to get out

We were out in Surrey last night at a meeting and then this morning to out own Lodge meeting.  The sun shone, the birds sang and the meeting was great and I finished my last speech in the Lodge (as far as I know that is) and will retire to the bench. 

So I was driving so no no drinking and I had to pop back to the house.  I saw Mrs. F. and we exchanged pleasantries - there was some correspondence for me and I picked up the slides, videos and photos so that I can start to practice those next week.  I am feeling quite keen on launching in the next month as I feel that is a realistic target.  Certainly people I spoke to today were quite keen to get involved in it.

Getting back to Mrs. F. I did offer not to go when she was there but she felt it was going to be OK she did look red eyed and I felt very sad myself, still do I actually feel quite upset and knew I would.  My sympathetic and charitable side wanted so much to give her a hug but that sends out all the wrong signals.  

I feel quite encouraged that people are so supportive of me and many came up and commiserated  with me and so many wondered if it was beyond repair.  I wonder whether it would ever have been repairable?  I don't know - I really don't know. I felt that sympathetic I almost considered it.   

Of course - I'm my usual bright and cheerful self which probably didn't help the situation much either.

I guess time will resolve this and I can throw myself into work and see how it goes from there.

Business Cards Arrived and TV Installed

It all takes time doesn't it?  It's taken a long time to get here and that's almost to the point of being able to practice and slowly launch the business.  It's taking a little time but I haven't been here 4 weeks yet and so by that anniversary (next Tuesday) I should have the PC which is arriving on Monday and the final odds and sods to have enough together to run my first jobs.  These will be on my mum's photos to start with followed by hundreds of my own negatives, slides and videos.  I have already realised that I need to document my processes and run quality checks as I made a few errors in the VHS to DVD transfers today.  I have to say that the CD and DVD printer is looking great - I like it and have already sorted out the design for that.

My business cards are great - I love them and have 500 to be getting on with.  They have the Black background on one side and my contact details on the other - the black really makes the logo leap off the card.  

Hopefully on Monday I can get the PC installed and set up (it will take a long time it always does).  The main thing is that it doesn't concern me like it used to.  In the old days I'd be upset about it and annoyed and now I know that it will happen in its own good time.  That's the way of it.

I am out later today to a meeting and have to go past the house on the way home so I will pop in and See Mrs. F. for a short time.  I haven't seen her since I moved here.  I have mixed feelings about that.  I need to pick up my letters and then also pick up my photos, negatives, videos and other bits so I can start to practice my craft on my own stuff prior to unleashing myself on an unsuspecting public.

Still reeling from the amount of money I've just spent on equipment but it is needed and if I'm going to run a business then I am going to need to do it.  Again, I felt some slight twangs about doing it but when I think about it I know that I need to have made this spend.  There are some more things that I'd like but I can't see myself getting these until I need them and they should be available and they aren't anywhere near the cost of the stuff I've got so far.

Just the PC to go

It's a bit frustrating but I'll have to wait until the PC arrives which will probably me Monday now.  That's no problems at all really.  I have the scanners and printers all in now but need to wait until the big PC is here to connect them up although I could set up the small printer as it is a network one I suppose.

It's an interesting thing that now I have all the equipment here the room looks crowded but it's workable.  I'll have to just be very clean and tidy to operate within the confines of the office.  These days with electronic gadgets it should be pretty easy to get to almost paperless I would have hoped.  

I've done my ironing for today and that's all sorted out.  I'm awaiting the connection kit for my bed which I hope will come in the next few days.  I need to then work out where to put all the heavy duty boxes for my computers, scanners and monitors!  They take up lots of space on their own.  Once the bed is in it has storage underneath it so I should be able to make the best of that and make some more room - at the moment I've got one room full of bits of bed and an office where I've made room by putting stuff outside which needs to come back in again.  It will get done but I need to get the PC in first and then I can work out how things will fit around the remainder of the space. 

I listed all my office purchases and no wonder I was wincing at the money depletion - I've spent close to £1,000 more than I had originally intended but the main thing is that without that sort of spend I couldn't hope to operate a professional business in an efficient manner.

Put The Kibosh On That Then

Damn it my bed has some of the bolts missing - what a bummer.  Have had to write to them to get me some more bolts and nuts down here.  Trouble was I had to strip and move my put you up and so had stripped the bed and pillows and moved everything around the room and you guessed it I've had to move it all back again.  Then had to remake the bed etc and then move all the stuff around the room so I can get in and out again!  

On the upside all sorts of stuff is happening tomorrow - most of my scanners are arriving alongside my monitors but alas not my main scanner nor the PC to drive them.  Hopefully the PC will be here early next week and the remainder of the equipment is due this week.  Lord alone knows how it is all going to fit in my office - I think I know.  I will have to do some serious thinking about how I can achieve it.

I've ordered my business cards (which don't have an address on them) and I need to set up my email accounts.  I also need to sort out my trading address.  It's all good fun.

That's the thing, having fun and enjoying it.  I'm trying to keep it all light even the disappointment of the bed didn't make me angry - it's just one of those things - that's all.  It will happen in its own good time. 

Watching My Savings ....

Oh dear, well I've almost finally spent up just a bit more to go now and the business can get going.  I've spent so much money in the past week that I've depleted my savings to a ridiculous amount.  I can hardly believe it but I knew I'd be spending this money sooner or later so it was in the plan but it is still breath taking when you see your savings halve in a week :-)  Having said that - it isn't really true as I have other money to inject into my day to day account... :-)

So I now have a massively powerful PC on it's way with 16GB RAM and 2TB hard drive.  Add o that two huge 27" monitors, An A3 flatbed scanner and printer combo, a photo scanner that does 50 photos a minute, another scanner that does the slides and negatives and another printer that also scans but prints DVDs,  Blu Rays and CDs and the VHS to DVD system is here already :-)  The VOIP phone system is in and working with its non geographic code number (so I can move anywhere and not worry about taking a local code or having to change phones).  Software has arrived and transfer kits, cleaning equipment, there are magnifiers and all sorts of items for cleaning and keeping clean negatives, slides etc.

My mattress arrived last night by the looks of it and they left it by the side of the house but with no note so that I could bring it in.  It rained overnight and when I took out the bins it was there!!!  You'd have thought they would have at least left a note...  I think it is OK as it is vacuum packed and has double bagging.  

Flocky will help me erect the bed later on when he gets back from work. He is now in the final throes of moving in and so we have a room full of boxes and stuff to go straight up to the attic.  We are getting there gradually.  

Now The Hard Work Begins

Well I say hard work but in reality I've done a lot of the thinking and just need to work out somehow what I am finally going to do.  By that I mean I have lots of options and thoughts about how the business should be set up and constructed.  I'd like to be able to make decisions on things like pricing and sales discounts etc.  I want to make sure that I set realistic selling prices that are attractive and that make good commercial sense for the customers and for me.  

There are wording of web sites and brochures and how to structure the pricing matrix and so on.  Then there is the email to set up and so on.  It's all coming together and bit by bit, I am going to get there.  Somethings need to be in place before others and so I'm working on putting telephones, web hosting and email into place as soon as possible.  Equipment needs to be here for me to practice on and to check that my pricing is accurate as most of this is based on competitor pricing and not on a lot else.

Then there's the sales and marketing to be done too.  So much to do and it all really gets started this week.

Large Glowing Orb In The Sky...

After a long time where the rain has pounded us and flooded great swathes of the country we had a sunny day with blue skies and I determined to take myself out as I know I'm going to be in most of this week awaiting orders to be delivered.

It was lovely, really pleasant I have to say and the pictures feature below.  I really like it around here, the people are nice and the whole place appeals to me.  It feels "right".  My mum, bless her, sent me a moving in present, which I will use for my bed and sheets and stuff.  I kind of liked the way she said that she was so glad that I was so positive and forward looking.  I think perhaps there isn't any other way to be really.  I manage quite well on my own although I do like company.  Today I was mainly on my own and spent some time walking the local area, across the railway tracks and over to the shops then via Otford Palace and to the village itself and had a few drinks.  Came back here and fell asleep :-)  I may actually take myself off early tonight as I have been going to bed late and getting up early all week.  

My office is slightly cluttered and I still need to do some organising to make all the new equipment fit.

It is a combination of having so much stuff but no shelf space available.  I will make sure that I organise it properly in the future.  I haven't sorted out a routine yet of course until the equipment arrives and I can then give it my full attention.

At least today I was able to buy some stamps and some envelopes so I'm partially able to do any admin that can't be done online now.

 This is Otford Palace

 The View back towards the shops

 A Closer View of Otford Palace

 One of the old houses on the green overlooking the Duck Pond

 Lovely house on the green overlooking the Duck Pond

 Saint Bartholomew's Church

 The Woodman in the background and a Georgian Style house to the Right

 The view towards the Crown overlooking the Duck Pond Rounadabout

 And a slightly different view

 Inside the Crown PH  with the Old Fireplace

  The Duck Pond from the Pharmacy on the Roundabout 

My reward for enjoying my walk..... 

Saturday Night In

I think that was good to have an evening in on my own.  I watched the film Avatar - it's quite good on my PC surround sound.  Had a glass or two of red wine - also quite nice.  Breaking in my new walking trainer shoe things and thinking about work.

I think if it is nice tomorrow I ought to go for a walk around the place and see what's around the local area.  There wont be any deliveries to cope with so perhaps a walk to the local shops and I can wander over to the village as well and grab a beer or something and then wander back here.  Hopefully the weather is meant to be much nicer tomorrow.

Could do with getting out of the place I have to be around to have deliveries next week.  The week after too as I have some of the more expensive equipment arriving and I need to be in for that. So I could be "trapped" in the house for a while.  Flocky has to move quite a bit more in next week as well so it's all go.