Fate Versus Lifestyle Versus Did I Deserve it?

I wrote this earlier and didn't publish it but then thought that the blog really ought to pick up on my "mindset" no matter what state it is in/ I'm a bit strange anyway - you just have to look at my collection of off the wall French film noir to see that. I think obliquely and laterally and sometimes if you are not on "my wavelength" or on the particular lateral thread I am thinking of at the time I say or write something, you will not get it and wonder why I am not under a Care in the Community Order. Be that as it may - it is probably worth publishing the stuff below so you get to see how your brain can drift off and think of the most absurd things.



This has been rattling around my head this afternoon. The earlier post where 25% of people felt that it was fate. I tend to sit on the 'it was my lifestyle' side of the fence and whilst I was considering that two things sprung to mind:

1. This time last year I felt that the time had come to change my lifestyle. I had come to a point where I had thought that all the harm I must have done to my body ought to be stopped, reversed whilst there was still a chance and I did do something about it. However when I look back and think how many years I thrashed my body and all the hours I worked and the drinking and smoking etc then there was bound to be a reaction. I had decided that as I wasn't getting any younger I ought to cool it. I was obviously far too late to do that. However, I have had a massive change in lifestyle and I feel better for it - I've not gone Vegan but I am just eating sensibly, regularly, not fasting or feasting (something I used to do regularly - I could 'not eat' for days and not sleep either). It all catches up with you.
2. The other thing I thought about was the "Did I deserve it?" argument and that is a bit of a strange one. I go back to the early days of Aids and the sorts of things that people said then and wonder whether anyone "deserved it". I perhaps brought it on myself and that cannot be denied so I think the answer actually is yes, I did deserve it. I knew some years back what smoking could do and I should have given up. The argument on whether we do enough to discourage smoking, how we argue that you shouldn't smoke in adverts and tax and other things can go on for ever and are subject for another day I think. I do reckon that I knew enough about things, had sufficient advice and could have made an informed decision. What I am certain about though is that smoking is addictive beyond a doubt and it is not easy to give up and stay given up. Someone telling you that you have Cancer is a very compelling reason to stay stopped though. On a last thought on this for the time being. All of my parent's generation and their parents smoked and it was in all the films and on TV it just beggars belief how we are reaping the whirlwind of that now not just smokers but all the passive smokers and those who were abused because they lived in the homes of smokers.

This all goes darker and deeper and is a real guilt trip for ex-smokers. Having brought this on myself and up to a point accepting that I injured myself I now have to face up to the possibility of actually harming other people - that really really does hurt and causes many of the sleepless nights and so much of the guilt isn't that I have Cancer, it is that I may have given it to anyone else. I can live with the former - I'm not sure I could live with the other.

It also occurred to me that when I was a child that I lived in a smoker's house and all my relatives smoked and everyone on the trains and buses smoked and so was it me or was it them.

And so, on and on you could go about this if you wanted. All these things play around in your brain whether you want them to or not. Then you start to consider the various facts that many people who get Lung Cancer (for example) have never smoked in their lives and you can then really start to get your mind swimming.

This is one of those rambling, nonsensical posts that will no doubt hit this blog from time to time. It doesn't mean anything really. It highlights the guilt you have as a "Cancer victim" and the guilt you then feel to others as an ex-smoker. It then goes on to look at your own victimisation as a child and these things go round and around in your head for hours at a time. I doubt there is anyone who just looks at it as an isolated thing at all.

I'm going to stop here as no matter what I write, or what I believe, this particular subject will just go around in circles. I guess it will resolve itself and each of the worries will find an answer sooner or later. Perhaps some never get answered or get answered at the last minute - who knows.

Today has gone a bit faster

At least today is going faster than yesterday - not that I am wishing time away you understand. I suppose because I now have some chunks of work to get on with helps.

Still a couple of hours to go but I reckon they'll disappear pretty quickly now.

I also hate Parkinson's Law so perhaps that is another reason that I find myself bored sometimes. Parkinson's Law is where you fill the available time with the work you have available. I tend to do the work and complete it as soon as I can. It can lead to gaps in work but I can fill those gaps with planning for the next lot.

Education

Perhaps that would help - you despair when you read this sort of stuff though from today's BBC Health section CLICK HERE.

Apparently 25% of people think that Cancer is down to fate - Oh please.....

Exercise Equipment

I am waiting for my Exercise Equipment to come. I hope that it will ensure that I make it a discipline. Yesterday, I was full of good intentions about going out for a walk and never got around to it. At least I can have the walk come to me this way.

Most of the household are back at work or school today so it should be a bit easier than yesterday at work. I hope it also goes a bit faster.

Is it the Longest Day?

Phew,

how long has today been - it feels like I have been sat here for days not hours. It is always the same on your first day back at work but this is ridiculous, its as if time has been somehow slowed down on purpose.

There is still another 45 minutes to go too. Blow this working for a living lark!

Loads more junk and reminders

Well the office is beginning to look a bit neater. I really didn't do a lot after the operations and so things got left in piles and, with the best will in the world, I really didn't feel up to anything like filing, throwing out and reading loads of stuff.

I'm surprised how much stuff there is accumulated on my desk and on tables and shelves. The recycling man is likely to get a hernia lifting all of this.

I keep finding the odd Hospital letter but at least I can get all that lot filed in a single place now too.

Having a Clear Up

A bit spooky - I just found last year's diary - the marker is still in the first week of July - after that there is not an entry at all - before that most days are completed with appointments etc!

I wonder what else I'll find in my piles of unfiled stuff?

Back to Work

It was hard work getting the head off the pillow this morning. The alarms went off on time and in sequence but the mind and the body didn't want to get out of their warm resting place.

Finally pulled myself around and walked the few yards into my office. A conference call in a few minutes should start the system back to normal and get things rolling.

I can't say that I am filled with my usual enthusiasm for the job at the moment. A few problems and some excitement will soon blow away the cobwebs.

Anti Climax

It always is after Christmas and you see in the New Year. What do you do New Year's Day - the same as you probably did last year or a few days ago, potter around the house, wash the car, clean up a room... Things go on just the same, perhaps I was expecting a huge adventure? Better not hold my breath then :-)

Goodbye 2006

2006 - Am I glad to see the end of you!

What a year, what a ride - no more of the same for 2007 please.

2007 will have to be better - I haven't thought of any New Year's Resolutions excepting the getting fit, eating better and looking after myself a bit more than I perhaps have in the past.

Happy New Year to you all!

Late Again

A sort of pattern emerging although tonight I was coughing and have just gone and sorted out that age old remedy some hot honey, lemon and a shot of brandy to see if I can stop this incessant tickle in my throat.

Whilst seeing if that is working and in an effort not to wake up the remainder of the house I have got myself into my office for a short while.

New Year's Eve - 2007 is going to be a very different year. last year things were going in a totally different direction on many fronts. This year I am going to be considering all sorts of options and making decisions on those - gone will be the snap decisions of years before, lots of planning will be needed to make sure that I work around the Hospital dates and treatments but that I can still keep as normal a life as possible. I don't think the last point will be achievable but I'll give it a go anyway.

Only time will tell if everything I have will still exist in the coming months. I foresee somethings not surviving the changes that have happened or are happening. I'm not going to predict whether it will be work, social, family or other at the moment but I just have this feeling that I'm not only going to have Bladder Cancer on my CV of traumatic life incidents by the same time next year - something else will be added to the list.

It sounds pessimistic, I suppose it probably is, but perhaps inevitable as well. In the back of my mind is the very real possibility of telling someone that "life is too short" and walking away from something - could be work (I've done that before) it could be something I'm involved in socially, it could be something worse - I'll get to that when I get there.

Honey, Lemon and Brandy are sort of clearing the throat and almost finished so I'll finish for now. I suppose I had better work on some New Year's Resolutions!

It was a long night

I think I finally fell asleep at about 3. Damn brain will go and do this occasionally and go off down some long and complicated set of "What if" scenarios. There is no easy way to stop it doing this. Nothing get sorted out of course as all of these scenarios can only be played out if certain conditions are met and then certain other conditions are met. It is no use second guessing what may happen as it hasn't happened - just try and tell your brain that when you've got Cancer or anything else though!

Living and Survival

I have read a number of accounts of people with various Cancers and the words surviving and living are used with different emphasis throughout.

Surviving in my view is staring death in the face and not dying. However some people survive a number of years. I tend to think of myself as living with the condition and hoping for remission or cure or whatever. I wouldn't consider that survival, I'd call that living.

It really is far too late on a Friday night to even be thinking like this but this is the sort of time when the brain gets active and you know you are in for a long sleepless night!

Failing to meet my expectations

Not me - this is other people. You come out of treatment changed and you expect a lot more of people, you've changed, why haven't they? You set high expectations, perhaps too high and the trouble is they will always fail to meet your ideals.

I can't tell you why I expect more from those around me but I do. I expect people to understand the problems I have been through, the pain, the trauma and to treat me differently. I'm guessing that this is where the problem lies. I've spent ages dumbing down and making light of what I have, now I am expecting most people to realise that actually it was serious and I'm not getting the balance right at all. I always say I'm fine, I'm OK and I am now, I wasn't earlier on - only now do I realise just how much I've been through these past 5 months - the mind must just blank it out.

The real issue is that I am finding it hard to realise that actually I am the only person who has changed and all those around me are the same as before - why should they have changed, there was nothing life changing in their lives. For me, things will never be the same again and so outlook, expectations and time all matter differently to me than to anyone who knew me before. I have a view that I might not be here too long and so you (or I) ought to do something now rather than put it off. I want to fit in more and yet no one else does. I can imagine this is going to lead to some interesting situations as things progress as typically I wouldn't kick up a stink about this and I haven't so far but sooner or later I'm bound to pose the question.

I notice that I really do give stick to suppliers and others when I'm dealing with them on the phone or in correspondence so I imagine it may be only a short time before everyone else gets the "benefit of my thinking".

Tiredness

It can only be that since Christmas Eve we have not stopped having people here, going out and so on. Additionally I have been exercising for about an hour each time which I have not been used to for 5 months or so.

It was Christmas Day that marked the 5th month Anniversary of the first operation. It doesn't seem that short a period at all - I suppose because so much has happened. I've enjoyed Christmas this year more because I didn't think I'd be here.

Today I've just got some odd paperwork to do, the family are out at the sales and I've had a good sleep. I feel a bit tired but not fatigued. I'll see how today pans out.

That Strange Feeling

I reckon that it is one of those things you get that plays on your mind.

"If I get to survive the first one maybe there is another one lined up to get me" coupled with that is "If he wants me that bad...."
"Something else is wrong with me"
"I wonder if it is coming back again"

I can't say that it is worrying me a lot it is just one of those nagging little things at the back of your mind and one of the things you have to deal with.

The slightest twinge or ache gets you worried about what it could be. Having been relatively healthy for 30 years I've gone from being someone who rarely worried about my health to a border line hypercondriac (well not quite) but I'm aware of my body and how I feel all the time.

I don't get it so much now but earlier on in the very early days before the operation and before I knew better the little voices would be there with stuff like "You won't be there for your children when they need you", "You'll predecease your parents" and that sort of stuff. It goes with the territory and its part of the disease. You just have to learn to put the thoughts as far away as possible as that isn't the present situation - nor is it likely to be. The Brain though is a complicated thing and it can be a nuisance having a questioning mind.

Again very tired today

Well Yesterday actually. Absolutely knackered and I slept for 10 hours. I wonder if I am ailing for something? Hope not I could do without anything else going wrong in 2006 and for a good start to 2007. I have a horrible feeling that there is something else wrong with me - perhaps just being a bit pessimistic there but whilst I still feel well something is nagging at the back of my mind about this tiredness.

Ten Hours

Sleep that is - slept like a log only just got up but feel better for it. Off out in a few minutes - at least I don't have to do anything myself today apart from drive there.

Almost overdone it

Phew - what is it? 1:10 in the morning and we have just cleared away from the party. We kicked it off with a walk yesterday afternoon lasting an hour and just went on from there with lots of food, booze and party games! I have to say though I really am knackered. Wife told me to go to bed ages ago but it isn't fair but now I have helped tidy up, I am really feeling it. She is tidying up downstairs, just the last few bits. Out again tomorrow and I hope that as a guest all I need to do is eat, drink and be my amusing self! Any more work than that and I'll be out of it! At least I'll get Friday off.

I caught a little bit of TV magic today - "Goodbye Mr. Tom" I think it was. Blow me if I wasn't almost reduced to tears by the last 30 minutes of it. I can honestly say that I don't get moved by stories like this normally, no matter how well acted but it just hit a chord today I think.

Off to bed now - should sleep like the proverbial log!

They took a lot more out of me than I thought

I have started to notice that my level of physical fitness is nowhere near what it was before the operations and treatment, I was breathing hard walking up the hill home last night. I feel really well and so it is a bit of a surprise that I am weaker than I feel or not as fit as my brain keeps telling me I am. Going for a walk is not a problem and I have enjoyed that recently but I am thinking about how I now go on to increase my level of fitness as it is obvious that there is a wide gap between what I think I can do and what I can actually achieve.

I did take things very easy after both operations and I have also been extremely careful not to do anything to screw up the treatment etc., that tends to mean being quite sedentary and you certainly don't want to do too much after a TURBT as you can set yourself bleeding again. That leads to sitting or lying down for long periods of time and not burning off the food which, if I think about it, probably grew in quantity although I have not been eating fattening things.

Diet alone isn't going to do this I need to start working on my fitness levels too.