Mmmm, this isn't so nice. It is quite uncomfortable going to the toilet at the moment (passing urine). I'm guessing that it is just the bruising coming out and the blood earlier on today probably didn't help matters much either.
I've tried to be a little less active and not to do stupid things like lift heavy weights and all that. Unfortunately, I forget occasionally.
I'm now realising that I am slightly anxious about tomorrows meeting with the GP as my BP is a little higher than I expected it to be. I can't imagine that we are talking massive changes straight away as the outcome of last week's procedure hasn't truly been explained in detail.
I think I will also be making the point about being a professional patient as well.
I need to get out there and recover my life - I've spent 9 months or more fighting and I think I deserve a few days off for good behaviour :-)
Monday, April 16, 2007
Little Stinger
I've spent the afternoon lying down in a darkened room and had a few hours snooze. Seems to have stopped the bleeding now. The trouble as you can imagine is that the bladder is a muscle and so it is possible that this was a scab coming off one of the biopsy points or where they hooked out the suspicious bit.
Anyway, I'm keeping an eye on things and making sure that I don't do anything stupid like lift anything heavy and other such pursuits. It really is so easily done.
Little Stinger? Yes, if you have blood in your urine it gives you just a little sting to let you know. Just like cystitis (if you have ever had that?). It is enough to make you take in a short little breath and sort of half double up but it isn't that bad.
I'm out tonight and then off to the Doctor in the morning - I'm going to find out about this blood pressure thing a bit more then. I've been checking my BP these past 4 days or so with my new machine and it appears to be reasonable levels to me. I suppose it will be whether or not to continue the beta blockers or not.
I've not touched my exercise bike for a week and a bit as I had injured my back and then had the hospital and as you can imagine, exercise may just start off the bleeding again. What I think would have been apparent if I had continued would have been more weight loss (I've only lost kilo) and I think I'd have also continued to improve my BP results too through more cardio exercise.
More on that after we meet tomorrow.
Anyway, I'm keeping an eye on things and making sure that I don't do anything stupid like lift anything heavy and other such pursuits. It really is so easily done.
Little Stinger? Yes, if you have blood in your urine it gives you just a little sting to let you know. Just like cystitis (if you have ever had that?). It is enough to make you take in a short little breath and sort of half double up but it isn't that bad.
I'm out tonight and then off to the Doctor in the morning - I'm going to find out about this blood pressure thing a bit more then. I've been checking my BP these past 4 days or so with my new machine and it appears to be reasonable levels to me. I suppose it will be whether or not to continue the beta blockers or not.
I've not touched my exercise bike for a week and a bit as I had injured my back and then had the hospital and as you can imagine, exercise may just start off the bleeding again. What I think would have been apparent if I had continued would have been more weight loss (I've only lost kilo) and I think I'd have also continued to improve my BP results too through more cardio exercise.
More on that after we meet tomorrow.
Retired Hurt
I had forgotten just how knackered this recuperation period makes you.
I can only see a whopping great bruise on my right hand (you have to believe it) and that oblong of missing hair on my leg which as the hair is growing back is itching like hell. And of course there is the rather delicate matter of the um well, delicate matter so to speak which is still a little sore to say the least. You don't see anything else that makes you stop and think. There are no scars, stitches, plaster casts, splints (although that would be interesting) and the like to remind you that you've just been sliced about a bit.
I hope that I haven't gone back to the GPs too early by having an appointment in the morning. But my beta blockers run out tomorrow and if I am to stand any chance in the next Olympics - I need to be taking those!
I am feeling quite light headed and a little weak this afternoon and so I will be packing away the office stuff and going and sitting in the front room. I've got some cerebral work to do and I'll do that and relax.
Let this be a lesson to you - or me more likely!
I can only see a whopping great bruise on my right hand (you have to believe it) and that oblong of missing hair on my leg which as the hair is growing back is itching like hell. And of course there is the rather delicate matter of the um well, delicate matter so to speak which is still a little sore to say the least. You don't see anything else that makes you stop and think. There are no scars, stitches, plaster casts, splints (although that would be interesting) and the like to remind you that you've just been sliced about a bit.
I hope that I haven't gone back to the GPs too early by having an appointment in the morning. But my beta blockers run out tomorrow and if I am to stand any chance in the next Olympics - I need to be taking those!
I am feeling quite light headed and a little weak this afternoon and so I will be packing away the office stuff and going and sitting in the front room. I've got some cerebral work to do and I'll do that and relax.
Let this be a lesson to you - or me more likely!
Bugger - bleeding again
Serves me right for trying to run before I can walk again won't it? Just went to the loo and thought - Mmm that looks like blood and it was.
You get a little warning like this occasionally and it just says to you "SLOW DOWN DUMMY!"
So in that case I shall - slow down that is.
If you have this yourself - just remember that when they said rest up for a week or don't drive for a week - they probably meant it. Me? I've driven the car around yesterday (long distance) and today on two or three short runs. Now I am paying for it. Doh!
You get a little warning like this occasionally and it just says to you "SLOW DOWN DUMMY!"
So in that case I shall - slow down that is.
If you have this yourself - just remember that when they said rest up for a week or don't drive for a week - they probably meant it. Me? I've driven the car around yesterday (long distance) and today on two or three short runs. Now I am paying for it. Doh!
Previous post looked a bit worse than it was
I was trying, unsuccessfully to say that life goes on and that in the overall scheme of things its a small thing no matter how big it is to me.
Maybe it is only me then
That is elated about the current situation. It was as if everyone else was just floating around me this weekend. I felt that some people were really pleased (as was I) and yet nothing changed. It was as if it had never happened.
It only happened to me of course. Maybe it only ever mattered to me?
I asked my wife whether the children knew. She said - "yes they did". Nothing was said, nothing was different, nothing had changed. Just me - I changed this weekend, I moved on and I now realise that no one else will change with me as no one else has the disease, lives with it, fights it and moves on from it other than me.
It only happened to me of course. Maybe it only ever mattered to me?
I asked my wife whether the children knew. She said - "yes they did". Nothing was said, nothing was different, nothing had changed. Just me - I changed this weekend, I moved on and I now realise that no one else will change with me as no one else has the disease, lives with it, fights it and moves on from it other than me.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Cheshire Cat Job
I have been smiling like a Cheshire Cat for sure all day and it was a fantastic day - i had a great time - I'm never sure if everyone else does though. I managed to drive all the way there which was good and was able to do the raffle and to spend time sorting things out.
Home gone 6:30 so much longer day than we are used to. But again, I'm not sure if everyone else wanted to be home so late.
But do I care?
Home gone 6:30 so much longer day than we are used to. But again, I'm not sure if everyone else wanted to be home so late.
But do I care?
Lovely Day
I'm not greatly impressed that I'll have to be wearing a suit today though - it is really shorts and tee shirt weather. We are off for a meal in the heart of Kent today.
The roads are bound to be packed as people make their way out for the day. At least it will give the A/C some exercise.
The roads are bound to be packed as people make their way out for the day. At least it will give the A/C some exercise.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Sinking in
Slowly and surely I am beginning to take in the news and I'm still not sure. I actually feel quite drained this evening. I've spent a few hours just sitting outside in the garden in the dark and thinking things through and sitting quietly.
I finally came to the conclusion that I need to get on with some of the stuff I've been thinking about and some of the plans I've been cooking up whilst I have been undergoing treatment. I'm not certain that everything will come off though.
As I've been away from everyone, I've allowed myself a few tears tonight - not too many - just enough to relieve the system . Tomorrow I have to meet lots of people and I'm not absolutely sure how I am going to handle things. Some know others don't. It is all becoming more powerful emotionally than I thought it would and it is building slowly. I still don't see the leaping down the road Hollywood finale materialising but perhaps a quieter personal and private version -maybe?
Too much thinking going on for a Saturday night - obviously.
[Goodness - for the first time on the whole blog I've spelt "beginning" properly - I don't know what that means but it is a milestone of sorts]
I finally came to the conclusion that I need to get on with some of the stuff I've been thinking about and some of the plans I've been cooking up whilst I have been undergoing treatment. I'm not certain that everything will come off though.
As I've been away from everyone, I've allowed myself a few tears tonight - not too many - just enough to relieve the system . Tomorrow I have to meet lots of people and I'm not absolutely sure how I am going to handle things. Some know others don't. It is all becoming more powerful emotionally than I thought it would and it is building slowly. I still don't see the leaping down the road Hollywood finale materialising but perhaps a quieter personal and private version -maybe?
Too much thinking going on for a Saturday night - obviously.
[Goodness - for the first time on the whole blog I've spelt "beginning" properly - I don't know what that means but it is a milestone of sorts]
Absolutely Knackered
I decided that I should wash the car as we are going out tomorrow. I'm absolutely knackered and thought at one time I was going to need to sit down for a while.
Many who know me would not be surprised at this shirking of hard work :-) but really, - I can only guess that the anaesthetic is still working its way out of my body as I wouldn't normally be this tired after washing a car. I was thinking of perhaps getting back to my exercises again but I think I might wait a few days.
An appointment has been made with the GP to go and "negotiate" over my blood pressure on Tuesday. Perhaps I'll discuss the whole package with him then.
Many who know me would not be surprised at this shirking of hard work :-) but really, - I can only guess that the anaesthetic is still working its way out of my body as I wouldn't normally be this tired after washing a car. I was thinking of perhaps getting back to my exercises again but I think I might wait a few days.
An appointment has been made with the GP to go and "negotiate" over my blood pressure on Tuesday. Perhaps I'll discuss the whole package with him then.
The fear of becoming/being a professional patient
It sits in the back of my head that I'm concerned about being one of these "Professional Patients" - you know, the ones who have been there and done that got the Tee Shirt, DVD, Book (signed by the author) and can quote medical terminology, drug types, side effects, dosage levels and the latest research at you. They can then tell you in intimate detail the procedures, the cocks ups and the revisits that they have had.
I also don't want to end up down the GPs every few weeks getting checked out and pushed and poked and having "routine" blood tests and all that either. Having managed to avoid the inside of a GPs surgery for all but a very few times in 30 years I don't want to know what pattern the wallpaper is nor to be discussing with fellow patients when they will get around to fixing that piece of peeling paper in the corner.
Reading back on the blog last night (or early this morning) I was more and more concerned that I am spending time being a patient and concentrating on getting well, staying well and understanding it and managing it that life is very one sided. I expect that it probably has to be still for a short while. I've survived the past 9 months or so of this and now I've got to put this to one side and in a way park it and move on. If the dangers are receding then I can perhaps take a backwards step in these next few weeks and review this, park it perhaps, and then move on in a different direction.
A bit of a digression there but that's it really isn't it, time to move on and put this behind me, take a deep breath and move on.
I also don't want to end up down the GPs every few weeks getting checked out and pushed and poked and having "routine" blood tests and all that either. Having managed to avoid the inside of a GPs surgery for all but a very few times in 30 years I don't want to know what pattern the wallpaper is nor to be discussing with fellow patients when they will get around to fixing that piece of peeling paper in the corner.
Reading back on the blog last night (or early this morning) I was more and more concerned that I am spending time being a patient and concentrating on getting well, staying well and understanding it and managing it that life is very one sided. I expect that it probably has to be still for a short while. I've survived the past 9 months or so of this and now I've got to put this to one side and in a way park it and move on. If the dangers are receding then I can perhaps take a backwards step in these next few weeks and review this, park it perhaps, and then move on in a different direction.
A bit of a digression there but that's it really isn't it, time to move on and put this behind me, take a deep breath and move on.
Retrospective
Someone told me the other day that I had had a terrible time of it with horrible things happening to me. I suppose that is true. It is less than ten months since it all started. If you'd have told me a year ago I would have gone through this much I would have doubted your sanity.
Just listing the procedures is enough. The first signs and the weeks of terror at the abnormality and knowing "surely" that it was fatal! That truly awful local anaesthetic scope, the shock of the diagnosis even though I thought it was that all along, the operation and recovery period first time, weak as a kitten, still frightened, and then (Oh my God) that awful IVU X-Ray thingy when I truly wasn't ready for it. The next follow up operation and its unexpected outcome, recovering from that. The relief of the results but the subsequent realisation that whilst it looked better - things were more dangerous. The 6 weeks of Immunotherapy before Christmas. Getting better and fitter and getting ready for a New Year and then to be made redundant. The disappointment of the operation being set back and all the blood pressure problems and then the last operation. Putting it that way - how can I not say that I agree with them.
I ought to add here that on top of this you can add the stress, panic, strain, terror and pain. Then stretching your relationships with family and friends to breaking point, losing your get up and go (mine got up and went) and not really wanting to do anything or commit to anything either.
Let's add to that the problem of finding a new job that is going to be flexible enough to accommodate the next course of treatment. Let's face it, an interview now would mean that I may not really be able to put a full week in for 2 or more months.
I can add to this that there are other pressures that aren't immediately apparent. How about trying to plan a holiday - no one got a real holiday last year. The ability to commit to dates, other than weekends in case treatment clashes or overruns. Whether or not your insurance actually covers and whether the Consultant and GP will get the right forms back. I mean it has only been 6 months they have been trying to sort this out. Who knows whether the damn thing will ever pay out. If things had have been worse then you can imagine that the family wouldn't have got anything which sort of defeats the object of taking it out in the first place.
Loss of concentration, lack of any ability to plan, loss of enthusiasm for anything really, stuff screwing up your thoughts and a brain that just wont do what I tell it too (perhaps my brain has turned female??). Not getting much sleep and processing lots of options and what if scenarios - you know what if this happens, how will I do this, If I cant find a job how long can we last, will I be around for my Kids graduation / weddings and all that sort of guilt stuff. Oh yes and if only I hadn't have done so and so in 1970 something.
I am sure I could add to this list a couple more pages of negatives.
What about the positives?
Better life style than ever
Heightened sense of the ridiculous
The experience (I doubt I am a better person - just changed)
Major changes coming
Fitter
I can't think of many others at the moment. I am amazed at the recuperative powers of the human body. I saw people smashed up worse than I was and they recovered as did I. I really felt beaten up the first two times and either I'm getting used to it or resilient or I'm just plain too stupid to feel knocked out! I am amazed how you can deal with a situation in many different ways and the processes you have to go through to achieve your goals. The demons you have to slay for yourself and the way you do that. I'm more surprised that I have the ability to be patient with people who are utterly stupid or just plain bloody ignorant. Whilst I like to show a hostile and belligerent attitude - I do try and be measured even when people are being downright stupid.
Of course I'd never ever wanted to be in the position, but I am. What can I observe looking back? Not a lot, I did some important things to aid my recovery and stuck to them. I took it upon myself to find out all I could - disturbing as that was. I know what the options are and I have the ability to discuss those with my consultant and her team. I trust my team and I do everything that I can to support what they are doing. I may not like what is happening to me but I will not stand in their way, I may whinge about it but I do get on and have the treatment.
I took it on myself to change the way I lived so that it would support the work that was being done. Being fit enough to be treated and fit enough to recover are MY side of the deal.
Writing it down is beneficial for me and (I am told) for others. Sometimes I don't like reading things that I wrote but I will leave the comments there for people to see.
I am so glad I didn't get anything more serious, more invasive or more deadly.
I still haven't realised how close I came or still could come with this. A few layers of cells - that is all, a few layers of cells.
We won't do was it luck or something else tonight - or as it is in the early hours of the morning. I'm afraid that hasn't stopped happening. I have the worst sleep patterns these days.
Just listing the procedures is enough. The first signs and the weeks of terror at the abnormality and knowing "surely" that it was fatal! That truly awful local anaesthetic scope, the shock of the diagnosis even though I thought it was that all along, the operation and recovery period first time, weak as a kitten, still frightened, and then (Oh my God) that awful IVU X-Ray thingy when I truly wasn't ready for it. The next follow up operation and its unexpected outcome, recovering from that. The relief of the results but the subsequent realisation that whilst it looked better - things were more dangerous. The 6 weeks of Immunotherapy before Christmas. Getting better and fitter and getting ready for a New Year and then to be made redundant. The disappointment of the operation being set back and all the blood pressure problems and then the last operation. Putting it that way - how can I not say that I agree with them.
I ought to add here that on top of this you can add the stress, panic, strain, terror and pain. Then stretching your relationships with family and friends to breaking point, losing your get up and go (mine got up and went) and not really wanting to do anything or commit to anything either.
Let's add to that the problem of finding a new job that is going to be flexible enough to accommodate the next course of treatment. Let's face it, an interview now would mean that I may not really be able to put a full week in for 2 or more months.
I can add to this that there are other pressures that aren't immediately apparent. How about trying to plan a holiday - no one got a real holiday last year. The ability to commit to dates, other than weekends in case treatment clashes or overruns. Whether or not your insurance actually covers and whether the Consultant and GP will get the right forms back. I mean it has only been 6 months they have been trying to sort this out. Who knows whether the damn thing will ever pay out. If things had have been worse then you can imagine that the family wouldn't have got anything which sort of defeats the object of taking it out in the first place.
Loss of concentration, lack of any ability to plan, loss of enthusiasm for anything really, stuff screwing up your thoughts and a brain that just wont do what I tell it too (perhaps my brain has turned female??). Not getting much sleep and processing lots of options and what if scenarios - you know what if this happens, how will I do this, If I cant find a job how long can we last, will I be around for my Kids graduation / weddings and all that sort of guilt stuff. Oh yes and if only I hadn't have done so and so in 1970 something.
I am sure I could add to this list a couple more pages of negatives.
What about the positives?
Better life style than ever
Heightened sense of the ridiculous
The experience (I doubt I am a better person - just changed)
Major changes coming
Fitter
I can't think of many others at the moment. I am amazed at the recuperative powers of the human body. I saw people smashed up worse than I was and they recovered as did I. I really felt beaten up the first two times and either I'm getting used to it or resilient or I'm just plain too stupid to feel knocked out! I am amazed how you can deal with a situation in many different ways and the processes you have to go through to achieve your goals. The demons you have to slay for yourself and the way you do that. I'm more surprised that I have the ability to be patient with people who are utterly stupid or just plain bloody ignorant. Whilst I like to show a hostile and belligerent attitude - I do try and be measured even when people are being downright stupid.
Of course I'd never ever wanted to be in the position, but I am. What can I observe looking back? Not a lot, I did some important things to aid my recovery and stuck to them. I took it upon myself to find out all I could - disturbing as that was. I know what the options are and I have the ability to discuss those with my consultant and her team. I trust my team and I do everything that I can to support what they are doing. I may not like what is happening to me but I will not stand in their way, I may whinge about it but I do get on and have the treatment.
I took it on myself to change the way I lived so that it would support the work that was being done. Being fit enough to be treated and fit enough to recover are MY side of the deal.
Writing it down is beneficial for me and (I am told) for others. Sometimes I don't like reading things that I wrote but I will leave the comments there for people to see.
I am so glad I didn't get anything more serious, more invasive or more deadly.
I still haven't realised how close I came or still could come with this. A few layers of cells - that is all, a few layers of cells.
We won't do was it luck or something else tonight - or as it is in the early hours of the morning. I'm afraid that hasn't stopped happening. I have the worst sleep patterns these days.
Friday, April 13, 2007
A very strange old day
It has been a strange day and I'm going to retire hurt in a moment :-)
So many people are happy for me and I'm sort of quietly happy for myself and my family. We are the only people not shouting about it. Strange isn't it. Almost a surreal experience - I wonder when it can have even been so arse about face?
So many people are happy for me and I'm sort of quietly happy for myself and my family. We are the only people not shouting about it. Strange isn't it. Almost a surreal experience - I wonder when it can have even been so arse about face?
Why am I not celebrating
I just spoke to my friend who is cancer free and therefore cured. Same with him, no reaction apart from thank goodness, that's good, nice, great etc.
We were working out whether that is because it isn't a binary thing. It doesn't just happen. That the stress and trauma of the past which is all bottled up and generally hidden is suddenly released and that is suppressing your elation.
Perhaps because you are geared up to hear the absolute worst case scenario and then get almost the opposite news - it is just so hard to take it in. Who knows - the shrinks would have a field day and I'm sure I could find my Kubler Ross area - if so then I am probably "testing" at the moment.
It is weird as I am gradually and quite cautiously letting people know and yet although I am happier today than I was yesterday I'm not ecstatic nor am I anywhere like where I thought I'd be.
Have I become over cautious, more pessimistic or perhaps something else has changed in me. I mean after this news I'm meant to pack it all in, buy a yacht and sail around the world or something like that and I don't feel like that either. I suppose we will have to see how it pans out over time. Sorry not to be leaping up and down and whooping and yelling. :-)
We were working out whether that is because it isn't a binary thing. It doesn't just happen. That the stress and trauma of the past which is all bottled up and generally hidden is suddenly released and that is suppressing your elation.
Perhaps because you are geared up to hear the absolute worst case scenario and then get almost the opposite news - it is just so hard to take it in. Who knows - the shrinks would have a field day and I'm sure I could find my Kubler Ross area - if so then I am probably "testing" at the moment.
It is weird as I am gradually and quite cautiously letting people know and yet although I am happier today than I was yesterday I'm not ecstatic nor am I anywhere like where I thought I'd be.
Have I become over cautious, more pessimistic or perhaps something else has changed in me. I mean after this news I'm meant to pack it all in, buy a yacht and sail around the world or something like that and I don't feel like that either. I suppose we will have to see how it pans out over time. Sorry not to be leaping up and down and whooping and yelling. :-)
My New Toy has arrived
A proper blood pressure monitor with an arm cuff and averaging on it etc. First readings are good and show that my little wrist monitor wasn't as bad as we first thought.
I've now started a chart and will do morning and night as I need to go and see the GP next week for the next steps in getting this sorted. I've a feeling that Tuesday will be a fun day.
I've now started a chart and will do morning and night as I need to go and see the GP next week for the next steps in getting this sorted. I've a feeling that Tuesday will be a fun day.
Gradually it sinks in
A flurry of phone calls this morning and a very sleepless night. Slowly I am beginning to "get it" - It's not seeing the light at the end of a tunnel I decided. It's changing motorways but not knowing how long you are on this one for as I still don't have a clue where I'm going, my maps aren't drawn yet and my GPS only tells me when I'm almost at the junction what to do next :-)
Note to self - stop talking in metaphors or similes as these are like signposts clouding your blogs?
Note to self - stop talking in metaphors or similes as these are like signposts clouding your blogs?
Glossary / Vocabulary
I don't mean to stuff in buzz words but of course it happens from time to time and reviewing some of my posts there are a few words that need definition
THIS LINK takes you to a list of acronyms used.
Why is Abbreviation such a long word?
THIS LINK takes you to a list of acronyms used.
Why is Abbreviation such a long word?
It still isn't registering
Come on brain - I sometimes have the brain speed of Homer Simpson. I've just written off to lots of people I know to tell them the news and I am not upbeat about it at all. It is all matter of fact and I'm not leaping around punching the air or any of the other things that I thought I might do.
I've probably spent so much time downplaying my chances so as not to be disappointed that the shock of getting a good end of term report has quite shocked me. No straight "A"s but with a bit more effort on both parts that is achievable.
Perhaps I have now glimpsed the beginning of the end or the light at the end of the tunnel. I've only seen this last 9 months as the worst period of my life and hadn't expected to start to come out of the other side quite so soon or quite so fast. I've hoped and I suppose I've taken some serious knocks along the way - the second operation and losing my job were two further kicks in the teeth I could have done without. But hey, this is good news and yet others are more pleased than I am about it.
It is damn strange me wanting to be free of this and working towards getting well again and then when I get some encouragement I blink hard and find it difficult to believe.
I sound ungrateful but I'm not. I'm certain that these are the tricks an illness like this plays on you. You just don't trust things and you need double assurances. Perhaps grasping for straws too early and being let down means you are just that much more cautious. I'm cautiously optimistic and yet, if all is clear there is light at the end of the tunnel - it is long term and we are probably talking about 10 years of treatments (maintenance) and flexible cystoscopy examinations before getting an all clear and, nasty little thing that BC is, it can come back and you start all over again.
There is no pleasing some people - I think I just turned into "Some People" :-)
I've probably spent so much time downplaying my chances so as not to be disappointed that the shock of getting a good end of term report has quite shocked me. No straight "A"s but with a bit more effort on both parts that is achievable.
Perhaps I have now glimpsed the beginning of the end or the light at the end of the tunnel. I've only seen this last 9 months as the worst period of my life and hadn't expected to start to come out of the other side quite so soon or quite so fast. I've hoped and I suppose I've taken some serious knocks along the way - the second operation and losing my job were two further kicks in the teeth I could have done without. But hey, this is good news and yet others are more pleased than I am about it.
It is damn strange me wanting to be free of this and working towards getting well again and then when I get some encouragement I blink hard and find it difficult to believe.
I sound ungrateful but I'm not. I'm certain that these are the tricks an illness like this plays on you. You just don't trust things and you need double assurances. Perhaps grasping for straws too early and being let down means you are just that much more cautious. I'm cautiously optimistic and yet, if all is clear there is light at the end of the tunnel - it is long term and we are probably talking about 10 years of treatments (maintenance) and flexible cystoscopy examinations before getting an all clear and, nasty little thing that BC is, it can come back and you start all over again.
There is no pleasing some people - I think I just turned into "Some People" :-)
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Dare I believe the news?
I still can't believe that things may now be OK. I'm still stunned and I can't believe that I heard it properly. I'm hedging my bets and waiting until I hear from my Specialist in a few weeks time, with the evidence with the staging and with the next steps.
I really still don't know whether to scream it out loud or just sit back and wait. I can feel the stupid grin beginning to crack across my face already.
I really still don't know whether to scream it out loud or just sit back and wait. I can feel the stupid grin beginning to crack across my face already.
The Yukky Bits
Well there had to be some blood and gore I suppose. Fortunately the bleeding (in urine) only lasted overnight and so that was a relief. I think it was a few days last time and about a week the first time and then I managed to do myself a mischief later. It is always disturbing especially as there are bits in it but, at least this time I knew that it would be so. It doesn't make it any easier because it is such an unnatural experience.
I'm still taking it easy. I caught myself running up the stairs earlier and I really shouldn't do that. It goes back to the "how do you feel" and also that you can't see or feel any surgery (no scars or stitches) you have had so it lulls you into a false sense of security. For the next 5 days or so, everyone else knows best and I SHOULD listen to them. I really do feel fine now apart from the aches and pains around my middle and certain other somewhat swollen areas shall we say :-)
Anyway - yukky bits are over for the moment. It looks as if I have the next round of yukky bits to come if and when they prescribe the next course of BCG which (very much looks like) has worked on the initial areas.
I'm still taking it easy. I caught myself running up the stairs earlier and I really shouldn't do that. It goes back to the "how do you feel" and also that you can't see or feel any surgery (no scars or stitches) you have had so it lulls you into a false sense of security. For the next 5 days or so, everyone else knows best and I SHOULD listen to them. I really do feel fine now apart from the aches and pains around my middle and certain other somewhat swollen areas shall we say :-)
Anyway - yukky bits are over for the moment. It looks as if I have the next round of yukky bits to come if and when they prescribe the next course of BCG which (very much looks like) has worked on the initial areas.
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