It was a bit cold

I don't think I want to trust the weather man again. Said that the cloud would burn off by 10 and it would be a good day so I turned up in a tee shirt and froze as I was on car park duty! After freezing away all morning - you've guessed it, when I got home the sun came out and it has been lovely this afternoon.

I've escaped upstairs as they are watching Borat and - I'm afraid it really isn't to my taste.

It quite took my mind of everything else today which is great and it is only now that I have even thought about things. Long may that continue to happen.

Are you really a fraud because you survived?

It is a strange thing. I spoke to someone else who mentioned that he felt that his cancer was fraud as he recovered and is healthy again. I think I felt a bit "strange" about it at first - having cancer - I mean you cannot take that sort of information in easily. The first reaction is normally two sided - one - a relief at least you know what it is or what you guessed it was, you knew you were pretty ill but hadn't grasped it all and of course then you get home and you go through the "I'm going to die" bit. Now frankly that isn't nice. A little later on you begin to get used to the fact that (in my case) you have a pretty good chance of surviving this.

When I speak to most people they say I have been through a hell of a lot and I suppose, looking back at some of the stuff I've written, I probably have but you don't really have a choice in this. well you do I suppose but I chose to have the treatments. So given that the treatment isn't comfortable or by any means over yet, people wonder why I think sometimes that I'm a bit of a fraud.

I think I guessed why that is today. It is because I survived it, because you expect to get cancer and die and in reality that isn't the case (I at least know that now). However, when you see people going through far worse, or getting a terminal prognosis you kind of feel guilty. Yet, knowing people who are getting the all clear and being discharged - I am so happy for them. It is all a bit strange but then that is the disease all over. The common misconception about cancer is that it kills you - if it doesn't you feel there is something wrong with you! How stupid is that :-)

I find the logic of some of the things I think utterly bizarre - cancer makes you far more inward looking and thinking perhaps I think too much and don't let things just happen to me.

So - enough of the deep and meaningful stuff for the moment - a bank holiday weekend beckons. Tomorrow I am off to help the annual Spring Fair - I do the Car Park duty which is OK.

Oh - That's Alright Then

That's good. The Doc called and whilst the readings are high, the trend is only recent and there is no trace of these problems in the past (apparently you can tell based over some months back!). Meaning that I need to go and see him in a month - yea - I bet I'll have to have another blood test :-( however. the kidney function hasn't changed and so I'm back on the Ace Inhibitors.

The concern is still there that there is some glucose intolerance but that is going down and so at least I can be observed. It is possible it is to do with the pulling and poking around at the Hospital and I've no doubt that is so.

I would imagine that my body wonders quite what the hell I've done to it as well, it has had a complete change in diet in the past month and a half - I imagine it is traumatised and shocked! Poor old thing...

It is all go today

This working for a living is a bit of a drag isn't it?

I suppose someone has to do it and it might as well be me!

Actually it is quietly quite exciting doing this sort of stuff again. Don't tell anyone that I like it though.....

A Sad to read note this morning

I follow a fellow sufferer's blog and was extremely sad to read this blog this morning (HERE)

Whilst I am sad about that news I am very thankful that I don't have that decision to make right now. This sort of decision puts everything else in perspective.

I must also get out of the habit of apologising for surviving.

Doc didn't get back to me

I was expecting a phone call to get my blood pressure pills renewed (or not) but nothing so far - I will have to ring tomorrow to see what has happened - I fully expect to get called in again and to have to work on something to do with high blood glucose levels!

Oh well, I'll see what tomorrow brings. Luckily I am working from home tomorrow so can go and get a prescription or go see the doc if needed.

I had a few calls about a contract starting in a week or two and I've sent off my CV for that. My next appointment with the Hospital has been confirmed for the 15th May in the late afternoon. Again, hopefully I will then know what is going to happen there too.

Work - a four letter word

It was OK this morning I suppose. It took a while to get together what I needed to do the job but there you go! I have all I need and am back at home working out how I am going to do it and in what order.

It is quite nice to be working again but what a horrible location to get to and from - I wouldn't want to do that every day.

Went Really Well

I did my talk this evening and it went down really well or appeared to. That was a relief as I had to change it a little and so it was the first time that I had delivered it, in its new format.

It appears to have done the trick as there was lots of interest and a commitment to become Patron of the Association from the Lodge which is great. A lot of people also want to become life members of Patrons themselves which again all adds to the efforts.

It was a long day yesterday

I am as tired as you like today and I've got to go out again tonight and give a talk about the work I do at the Old Folk's home. Tomorrow I am actually going to be doing some work - I know it is hard to believe isn't it :-)

Might be a day or perhaps two days work. Not sure if the GP will want to see me on Friday to screw up my second paid day though - I'll find out on his return tomorrow.

Why not leave it until the last minute?

Oh - you did. Stuff that should have been done a few weeks ago has only just arrived with me and it needs to be done? That's right - Now.

What do these people think like? Now it is with me they think that it is off their hands and they can of course blame me for it being late.

One day I think I will actually let them down and then lets see what happens.

Selfish Git

I am a selfish git. I am sorry that this is all about ME. I cannot see anything past me, my family and me.

It isn't meant to be shocking I think it is just the truth that, all of a sudden, you cannot care for anyone else any more. You are for you and yours and that is the lot.

I give all the time, I give to anyone without any thought to race, colour or creed - it was how I was brought up and it is what I believe in.

Now though - I look on some people as bloody spongers - I don't tell them that but I watched a few "performances" today and I don't believe half of it. I'm turning into the sort of person my parents warned me about!

I Don't know!

Interesting comment received earlier. I'm in that mid point, that indecisive bit of wherever I am. I feel like Alice - literally not metaphorically - I don't actually know whether to laugh, cry, dissolve, scream or just go and be ME - quiet guy in the corner?

They don't want to see me for another 2 weeks. That screw my plans. Everything now goes back another two weeks.

Point One - They aren't screaming to see me now! Good news - low risk

Point Two - I have to wait two weeks before being told that I need to go onto maintenance which I know (I Think) already.

I'm feeling tearful about that - only that it sets everything back another two weks, I should have really known last week or this week. Now everything is delayed by two weeks and it isn't my fault.

A good day with one exception

I have had a great day. I've met new people and I've carried the heaviest sword you can ever believe!

However - what is annoying to me tonight is about my Cab journey from the station. I asked him to pull over and he swerved the cab all over the place throwing me out of my seat. I wouldn't mind but all he had to do was to stop the cab slowly like all the other cab drivers normally do. No swerves, up the curb, off the curb and back again just as I was taking my seat belt off! BASTARD! Not funny. He and I will meet again one day and the fun will be on my boot.

What an absolute idiot. "Are you alright?" he asked. "Sure - I didn't expect you to drive up the curb and stop quite like that!" - No answer. £5.40 Guv. Great here is £5.50 keep the change!

I wish these arseholes would work out their problems on themselves not on their passengers - we pay their wages after all.

New Day - New Way of Viewing Things

Yes, a new day and one I am out to thoroughly enjoy. The weather is brilliant not a cloud in the sky and I'll be heading off to London in about half an hour to rehearse and then meet some friends for lunch.

Everything happens from 3 pm this afternoon - then we have a few beers followed by a meal and wind our way home.

At least that will take my mind off of things for a while.

Mr. Angry

Yep - Mr. Angry got out and threw his toys out of the pram today - in a nice sort of way. I'm just getting frustrated that I can't get this lot behind me and move on. The trouble still is that I'm not in charge or control and so every time I think I can move forward someone comes along with their size 9s on and kicks me back down again.

I'm not giving up but it is just so annoying and frustrating trying to get out of the place I am in now. It is taking ages to get to somewhere that can be described as even ground so that I can stop, take a breather and then reassess and move on.

Tomorrow is going to be my day and lets see if they can sod that up for me - I wouldn't put it past them to try.

Today I have mostly been

P1ssed off with being ill.

I know I'm lucky to have got this far in my life (almost 50 - not yet) with only minor stuff but it makes you think.

I mean, I have now been to the GPs surgery more times in the last 9 months than the whole of the previous 20 years put together! I know the place as if it were my front room and I don't want to see it every week - thank you.

I can't complain, I don't have a cancer that (now) is going to take me out before my time. I know it means I've got to be seen x times a year for (possibly) the rest of my life.

I don't want you to be sorry for me or to pour sympathy on me, that isn't what this blog or this particular post are about either.

It's just that a year ago - I was Joe Average, no problems, hadn't seen the GP in years, happily going about my day to day life, no strain on the public purse or the NHS or anything else and suddenly, I can't get well, I can't get a job, every time I get tested something else happens. I'm unemployed and who would employ someone who for the next few months cannot guarantee a solid five days work a week anyway.

It will soon be two years since I last had a holiday - you know a real one - relaxing for a couple of weeks in the sun. I have GOT to put that right as well - will the Physicians and experts leave me alone long enough to do that. Why do they call it practice?

I am having (as you may notice) one of the "Bad Days" you are bound to get. Suddenly you really just say oh hell, I really don't want to be ill, this has gone on far too long and I am SO fed up!

Of course, the logic says - hey - you are going to be downgraded, it isn't anywhere near life threatening anymore, it isn't something nasty or terminal. So you have a blood pressure issue, thousands of people never know and die early or suffer a stroke. Hey, you are pre-diabetic - it doesn't mean anything more than a big warning signal so stop your whinging and get on with it :-) Some people with diabetes never get to know until it is too late, you can do those changes you need to do, they can keep their eye on you and you won't get the side effects of that.

THERE - That told me :-)

You see there are two sides (possibly more) to this. Today is a black day, I really thought I had "done enough" to get myself into the good books and yet obviously not.

then my brain says "Can you really wash away the sins & excesses of your youth with 6 weeks exercise and good living?" Well PUNK, do you feel lucky? :-)

Can you atone for 25 years burning both ends of the candle?

Anyway, I'm sort of beginning to rationalise this out now but I have felt pretty annoyed with "things" in general this afternoon. It is so much more about keeping your head on an even keel really. As I have probably already said somewhere, I just got fed up with being ill today. It was interesting as I was told that, you look fitter than you have for years (which is true), I've lost weight, my face looks thinner, my neck too and of course my waist also tells the tale.

This post is a warts and all one. You probably cannot understand how I'd feel wretched with the good news about the cancer and yet, the whole package, no job, blood pressure, pre-diabetic, cancer, treatment, trying to secure work that will allow you to have this sort of time off, not providing for your family, insurance still not paying out after 7 months etc - you can perhaps see that any one of these can disturb the equilibrium of the day.

Again, I'm OK - I don't need anyone sympathising with me or anything like that. This is the way it is.

Blood Results

Sh1t. Doesn't look good still. Will have to see what the Doc says later in the week, it is outside of the usual levels for blood glucose tolerance. The limit for my tablets (Creatine) is reached so I guess they will keep on feeding me those.

I'm a bit disappointed with the results - they are nowhere near as bad as before but it looks like something will have to be done I suppose. I hope it isn't all the fruit I've been eating - that will be a turn up for the books.

Well at least I am not as devastated by the news this time. I shall have to call them later in the week to see what they want me to do.

Did I say I was taking charge this week - think again.

Bye Bye Laptop

Oh well that is the end of it. Bye Bye Laptop, happy days banging on the keys in darkened hotel rooms trying to complete impossible targets and PowerPoint presentations, trying to get wireless connectivity and failing as no one had really subscribed to it.

I'm quite sad now that it is all over but then again, I have a lot to go for if I think about it and perhaps it is for the best to move on and forget about it.

Turns the page - tomorrow is another day - sigh!

Time Gentlemen Please

In a few moments that will be the last piece of my past employment severed. I'll meet up with my old colleague and he will pick up my Laptop, bag and all the accessories.

And that will be it. If ever I was destined to be in a particular job - it was that one, I'd got years of experience and have been a fan of the software for years. I knew the people, I knew what customers would be looking for and I knew what I could do to make the difference.

As they say, it is no use crying over spilt milk but I really hadn't thought of anywhere else I'd rather have been. Perhaps there will be something coming along there but I cannot hang on for it in reality. I reckon that they will have to move fast or I will go and sort out something else to do.

Tomorrow - Big Day for me

Last September I had the huge disappointment of having to go into Hospital and being unable to carry out my duties as a Sword Bearer. Strange eh?

Well, I was made an Active Officer of my Masonic Province last year and I carry the Sword ahead of the Provincial Grand Master on special occasions. Last September was to be my first one and the operation coincided. Tomorrow is the Provincial Grand Lodge meeting at Freemasons Hall in Great Queen Street London and I will be leading the PGM into the huge Grand Temple carrying the sword. It will be a culmination of 24 years of Masonry. You only get to do an active office like this for one year and tomorrow is a big day. Having happened to have carried this particular sword once before it is really heavy and so I'm glad that I have been "working out" these past three months or so! There are normally a thousand or more people there.

So - a big deal for me and one I am really proud about. There have been, in our Lodge three Sword Bearers as far as I know in 73 years so not a bad record. Now I just hope that I don't trip up or anything like that.

Unfortunately you don't get to carry the sword around outside. It would be fun carrying it around London? I could be doing my Highlander impersonations "There can be only one Highlander!" and you wouldn't have any problems at all getting a seat on the Underground on the way home!

I also have to wear a tail coat which is good fun. I will not be wearing that up on the train though either.