I have a conference call at 2 but have lunch with "her Indoors" set up. What do I do?
Of course - delay the conference call - how often am I 50 years old for goodness sake?
:-)
Also I am frightened that she will beat me up otherwise :-)
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
No different
I eventually fell asleep about 3 pm. I was listening to some music and felt myself drifting off. Up early and then a lovely call from family in New Zealand - what a lovely surprise.
I'm feeling very good this morning as I made one of my milestones that I set last year which was to see my 50th birthday and be well on the road to recovery. Given the fact that I didn't think I would early on is an even bigger bonus.
I'm feeling very good this morning as I made one of my milestones that I set last year which was to see my 50th birthday and be well on the road to recovery. Given the fact that I didn't think I would early on is an even bigger bonus.
Damn it Tuesday Night Again!
Wide awake
I should be sleeping and snoring away with the beers I drank! No - wide awake again
It must be the treatment
I should be sleeping and snoring away with the beers I drank! No - wide awake again
It must be the treatment
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
So Far So Good
10 minutes until I am 50 officially. I need to check the actual time of my birth! I don't want to be 50 until I really am. Not that there is anything wrong in that you understand.
I had better be up early so that I can open my cards and pressies I suppose. I will set my alarms to make sure I do.
How does it feel being 50? No different from being 49 except I know what is wrong with me and I am under the best medical supervision I could have hoped for. At age 49 I just knew I was very ill.
I had better be up early so that I can open my cards and pressies I suppose. I will set my alarms to make sure I do.
How does it feel being 50? No different from being 49 except I know what is wrong with me and I am under the best medical supervision I could have hoped for. At age 49 I just knew I was very ill.
Lad's Night Out
It is that time of month when my old school chums meet up - there are going to be a few more there tonight so the stories should be flowing along with copious quantities of beer.
Tomorrow I am also going to be out (I know on my birthday) which isn't great planning of course so we will have to do something later.
It is a hectic weekend as the Tour de France is in London and will come through the Kent countryside on Sunday so I fancy seeing that. It is Silverstone and the British GP as well - now I am torn between events. If it stops raining it is Wimbledon finals - oh for hot weather a glass of Pimms and watching the finals and having a barbecue. So as usual this week is a good one for sports but difficult to fit in a family celebration (my close family this is) unless we do something at the weekend as well as doing one of the three above.
Tomorrow I am also going to be out (I know on my birthday) which isn't great planning of course so we will have to do something later.
It is a hectic weekend as the Tour de France is in London and will come through the Kent countryside on Sunday so I fancy seeing that. It is Silverstone and the British GP as well - now I am torn between events. If it stops raining it is Wimbledon finals - oh for hot weather a glass of Pimms and watching the finals and having a barbecue. So as usual this week is a good one for sports but difficult to fit in a family celebration (my close family this is) unless we do something at the weekend as well as doing one of the three above.
Big differences between treatments
I had a look back at my notes for the first lot of treatments and it is interesting that the major differences are actually in what comes out of you?
Bit of a yucky subject - sorry about that.
On the first set of treatments there was a lot of debris, stuff that looked like miniature tripe and what I can only call white ooze. This time, very little white ooze (just treatment 2) and very little debris this time. It is occasional bits yet last time there were many.
I am hoping that this is because the areas to be worked on are very small this time. Last time, you may recollect, there were two areas - one which originally had the tumour there and one area which they scraped but, in addition, there was CIS (carcinoma in situ) which was also in there. There was a lot to tackle that time and this time not so much.
Bit of a yucky subject - sorry about that.
On the first set of treatments there was a lot of debris, stuff that looked like miniature tripe and what I can only call white ooze. This time, very little white ooze (just treatment 2) and very little debris this time. It is occasional bits yet last time there were many.
I am hoping that this is because the areas to be worked on are very small this time. Last time, you may recollect, there were two areas - one which originally had the tumour there and one area which they scraped but, in addition, there was CIS (carcinoma in situ) which was also in there. There was a lot to tackle that time and this time not so much.
No - a definite cumulative effect
That was interesting.
I was in and out in a few minutes which was good. Major difference was for the first time it did feel uncomfortable as it took a little longer to instill the mixture and there was a slight interruption. So I left with a stinging sensation. The good news was that I got through my turning earlier and so got to eat earlier and take my tablets. After saying I was going to stagger them I realised that I tend to be asleep at the time when I could have taken more so I decided to take all 4 tablets in one hit.
I did indeed sleep for a good 3 hours but some idiot kept ringing and not leaving a message - when I have found out who you are I will explain it to you!!
When I got up to have something to eat - it really kicked in and I ached around my middle and could feel fibrillations going on inside as well. Again these are uncomfortable bordering on painful By this time 4 hours had passed and the easiest thing to do was to take 4 more tablets.
Thankfully they kicked in quickly and I was able to lie down on the bed and the pain went away quickly. I can still feel it now - almost as if there had been some bruising. The usual bits of bladder and blood were there but on the whole much less than I have had. There can't be too much left to do now.
So - I think that this lot of treatments I am feeling a cumulative effect as Nos. 3,4 &5 have each been a little stronger. Nothing as yet has compared to treatment 2 in either sets of treatments - that must just be a huge reaction by your body.
Anyone going through these - stick with it - it isn't pleasant but it is targeted directly where the cancer was or is and acts directly on it. The shocks to your system are manageable, you just mustn't think that you can carry on as normal straight afterwards - the best thing is to lie down and take it easy, drink plenty of liquids and take things steady.
Another tip to stop you flushing the toilet immediately (before you have had chance to bleach for 15 minutes) is to tie a ribbon around the handle! It works for me - it is such a typical and habitual reaction so putting some reminder there is useful.
I was in and out in a few minutes which was good. Major difference was for the first time it did feel uncomfortable as it took a little longer to instill the mixture and there was a slight interruption. So I left with a stinging sensation. The good news was that I got through my turning earlier and so got to eat earlier and take my tablets. After saying I was going to stagger them I realised that I tend to be asleep at the time when I could have taken more so I decided to take all 4 tablets in one hit.
I did indeed sleep for a good 3 hours but some idiot kept ringing and not leaving a message - when I have found out who you are I will explain it to you!!
When I got up to have something to eat - it really kicked in and I ached around my middle and could feel fibrillations going on inside as well. Again these are uncomfortable bordering on painful By this time 4 hours had passed and the easiest thing to do was to take 4 more tablets.
Thankfully they kicked in quickly and I was able to lie down on the bed and the pain went away quickly. I can still feel it now - almost as if there had been some bruising. The usual bits of bladder and blood were there but on the whole much less than I have had. There can't be too much left to do now.
So - I think that this lot of treatments I am feeling a cumulative effect as Nos. 3,4 &5 have each been a little stronger. Nothing as yet has compared to treatment 2 in either sets of treatments - that must just be a huge reaction by your body.
Anyone going through these - stick with it - it isn't pleasant but it is targeted directly where the cancer was or is and acts directly on it. The shocks to your system are manageable, you just mustn't think that you can carry on as normal straight afterwards - the best thing is to lie down and take it easy, drink plenty of liquids and take things steady.
Another tip to stop you flushing the toilet immediately (before you have had chance to bleach for 15 minutes) is to tie a ribbon around the handle! It works for me - it is such a typical and habitual reaction so putting some reminder there is useful.
Monday, July 02, 2007
Here we go 5th treatment
I'm just off to prepare myself for No.5. FIngers crossed that it is better than No.4 or No.2!
1st Anniversary
Not anything that I think I ought to celebrate but at around about 6 p.m. today, one year ago, I arrive - after a long drive - at a Hotel in Yorkshire.
On going to the toilet - I was presented with the most obvious symptoms of Bladder Cancer you can imagine. Urinating blood. At that time, I thought it might have been a kidney infection. Towards the end of that week, I was pretty certain that it was far more serious.
I only realised yesterday what today signified! The next anniversaries are 7th July - Doctor tells me it is probably a tumour and refers me, 21st July the diagnosis. That will be a VERY interesting day as it falls on the day I will have my 50th Birthday party. I hadn't realised that when I booked it - it seems very appropriate that on the 21st last year I didn't think I would be here at all! But then I didn't know what I was dealing with then.
On going to the toilet - I was presented with the most obvious symptoms of Bladder Cancer you can imagine. Urinating blood. At that time, I thought it might have been a kidney infection. Towards the end of that week, I was pretty certain that it was far more serious.
I only realised yesterday what today signified! The next anniversaries are 7th July - Doctor tells me it is probably a tumour and refers me, 21st July the diagnosis. That will be a VERY interesting day as it falls on the day I will have my 50th Birthday party. I hadn't realised that when I booked it - it seems very appropriate that on the 21st last year I didn't think I would be here at all! But then I didn't know what I was dealing with then.
The Job
I find it disturbing and amusing (in a way). For 34 years (or thereabouts) I have been in jobs that were interesting, quite technical in nature and that somehow fitted my character. I say that to try and explain some of the strange things that have happened since I took on this new job. You see I like to think that I had a fair amount of respect for being a good Engineer etc.
The business is an Internet based business and is relatively simple in concept and leaves you with a "Why has no one ever thought of this before?" view. Because it is simple and that it could actually make a big impact and therefore big money, it gets looked at with a lot of scepticism. Again, I have no problem in that either. In fact, I have no problems at all in it (the idea) being taken away and decomposed and re-built and to check all the assumptions and to test all the figures. Again that is fine. What I do find remarkable is that people read the first few sentences of the explanation and immediately dismiss it. Up to a point that too is fine but to dismiss me in the same breath - and some people have known me for years is a bit strange. I mean it isn't snake oil (you may remember that I have no time for those sorts of people), it isn't as if they cannot have the discussion/argument. It is treating me as if I have somehow gone over to the dark side or perhaps have turned in to a lunatic that at the moment makes me a little angry. That and being totally dismissive of something that they haven't read, haven't thought through or haven't researched.
I'm still keeping an open mind on this and if it goes, it goes and if it doesn't - it would have been well worth the time to at least try it.
Of course this is all out of character for me - I run programs and projects, I am risk averse and I don't go into things without checking it out or making sure it can actually fly.
So what has changed there then? Well, it is slightly riskier than some (but not all) things I have done in the past, I have checked it out, it appears to be built on solid foundations and - I actually haven't changed that much - this has a very good chance because it is well thought through, simple, realistic and is built in a risk mitigated way. That is exactly how I have always set up my projects, that is why I find so many people's lack of faith or even time to talk to me properly annoying.
I said before that if I didn't give this a go I would regret it. If it doesn't come off, it would have been a huge learning experience. If it comes off, and it looks likely to, then it will be interesting to see the reactions to it and to me.
Contrary to popular belief I have not become unhinged or "lost it" - I just have a different outlook on life :-)
Whinge over!
The business is an Internet based business and is relatively simple in concept and leaves you with a "Why has no one ever thought of this before?" view. Because it is simple and that it could actually make a big impact and therefore big money, it gets looked at with a lot of scepticism. Again, I have no problem in that either. In fact, I have no problems at all in it (the idea) being taken away and decomposed and re-built and to check all the assumptions and to test all the figures. Again that is fine. What I do find remarkable is that people read the first few sentences of the explanation and immediately dismiss it. Up to a point that too is fine but to dismiss me in the same breath - and some people have known me for years is a bit strange. I mean it isn't snake oil (you may remember that I have no time for those sorts of people), it isn't as if they cannot have the discussion/argument. It is treating me as if I have somehow gone over to the dark side or perhaps have turned in to a lunatic that at the moment makes me a little angry. That and being totally dismissive of something that they haven't read, haven't thought through or haven't researched.
I'm still keeping an open mind on this and if it goes, it goes and if it doesn't - it would have been well worth the time to at least try it.
Of course this is all out of character for me - I run programs and projects, I am risk averse and I don't go into things without checking it out or making sure it can actually fly.
So what has changed there then? Well, it is slightly riskier than some (but not all) things I have done in the past, I have checked it out, it appears to be built on solid foundations and - I actually haven't changed that much - this has a very good chance because it is well thought through, simple, realistic and is built in a risk mitigated way. That is exactly how I have always set up my projects, that is why I find so many people's lack of faith or even time to talk to me properly annoying.
I said before that if I didn't give this a go I would regret it. If it doesn't come off, it would have been a huge learning experience. If it comes off, and it looks likely to, then it will be interesting to see the reactions to it and to me.
Contrary to popular belief I have not become unhinged or "lost it" - I just have a different outlook on life :-)
Whinge over!
Treatment No.5
Unlike Channel No.5!
I'm changing the music on my MP3 player this morning - there is only so many times you can listen to what is on there and I haven't changed it since the last operation so that is one job to do. I have a list of things to do to keep me busy this morning most aren't work related at all - I had totally forgotten about them and so I need to do those urgently now.
Monday morning's aren't good at the best of times but I try and makes sure I am busy as possible to take my mind off everything else that is going on.
I'm changing the music on my MP3 player this morning - there is only so many times you can listen to what is on there and I haven't changed it since the last operation so that is one job to do. I have a list of things to do to keep me busy this morning most aren't work related at all - I had totally forgotten about them and so I need to do those urgently now.
Monday morning's aren't good at the best of times but I try and makes sure I am busy as possible to take my mind off everything else that is going on.
Starting to look forward to the end of treatment now
It will be 5 out of 6 later and I have to tell you that it is quite a relief. I will see tomorrow if the cumulative side effects story is beginning to hold water. I think that perhaps it is the case that your body builds up a certain reaction to the treatment and that is - after all - exactly what it should do.
Last week the reactions were a little stronger although nothing as bad as week 2 again. I am preparing myself for this one as I would all the others but I might just change the way I take the tablets so that I have two every two hours this time from the start - that should help if I take 2 paracetamols, then 2 hours later 2 ibuprofen and so on alternatively. That may make a difference - it is worth a go to see if it will stop the stinging if nothing else. At least it is normally all finished by midnight and I can sleep most of it off.
Anyway that will be 5 of 6 and the end is in sight. We then have the three months wait to see what this lot of treatment has done. It goes without saying that we all hope that the next operation proves to be clear. That means maintenance and maintenance means no more operations but local procedures - not nice but then again - not quite the same as the alternatives of course.
More tomorrow no doubt!
Last week the reactions were a little stronger although nothing as bad as week 2 again. I am preparing myself for this one as I would all the others but I might just change the way I take the tablets so that I have two every two hours this time from the start - that should help if I take 2 paracetamols, then 2 hours later 2 ibuprofen and so on alternatively. That may make a difference - it is worth a go to see if it will stop the stinging if nothing else. At least it is normally all finished by midnight and I can sleep most of it off.
Anyway that will be 5 of 6 and the end is in sight. We then have the three months wait to see what this lot of treatment has done. It goes without saying that we all hope that the next operation proves to be clear. That means maintenance and maintenance means no more operations but local procedures - not nice but then again - not quite the same as the alternatives of course.
More tomorrow no doubt!
Saturday, June 30, 2007
We had a good day out
It was a nice day and a superb meal. Parents and Kid brother and family were all here - it was nice to see them all and to enjoy catching up with all the news. We went up to a country pub and the food and beer were good. Took the posh car but everyone said I drove too fast - well why have a car that can go fast and all that if you don't use it? seems strange to me.
I hope everyone went away happier that they had seen me and found that it was true - I do look a lot better, I am certainly a lot thinner and a lot fitter than the last time they saw me.
despite what I said about not doing too well down the week - I suppose whilst I am fitter - I may not have the stamina I used to have. I need to work on that I suppose. I'm am absolutely certain that I really don't know how much this has taken out of me.
On a note of interest - the UK goes Smoke free in about 40 minutes. Being an ex-smoker - I don't mind people smoking and, whilst every time I see someone smoking it worries me they may get what I had or worse, you can't tell anyone - I doubt I would have listened. I now don't want to be a non smoking bore either. However, what will be good is to come home after a beer and not have my clothes stink of smoke. I was amazed today that one person smoked in the pub and I caught a whiff of it in the restaurant (which was non smoking) it quite turned me - I suppose because I wasn't expecting it.
It will be interesting to see how the ban goes.
I hope everyone went away happier that they had seen me and found that it was true - I do look a lot better, I am certainly a lot thinner and a lot fitter than the last time they saw me.
despite what I said about not doing too well down the week - I suppose whilst I am fitter - I may not have the stamina I used to have. I need to work on that I suppose. I'm am absolutely certain that I really don't know how much this has taken out of me.
On a note of interest - the UK goes Smoke free in about 40 minutes. Being an ex-smoker - I don't mind people smoking and, whilst every time I see someone smoking it worries me they may get what I had or worse, you can't tell anyone - I doubt I would have listened. I now don't want to be a non smoking bore either. However, what will be good is to come home after a beer and not have my clothes stink of smoke. I was amazed today that one person smoked in the pub and I caught a whiff of it in the restaurant (which was non smoking) it quite turned me - I suppose because I wasn't expecting it.
It will be interesting to see how the ban goes.
And so where was I Thursday Night?
At a pub on Cockspur Street and earlier half way between Haymarket and Cockspur Street.
MMmm. You never know do you?
A good night's sleep has made a difference.
MMmm. You never know do you?
A good night's sleep has made a difference.
Friday, June 29, 2007
And so to bed
I am absolutely knackered. I still have to remember that I am still not as fit or as young as I used to be and yesterday was a long hard day in more ways than one.
Folks coming tomorrow so need to be awake and with it
Folks coming tomorrow so need to be awake and with it
Not Poisoning Me
Phoned the doc - blood tests are OK - they are not poisoning me - keep taking the tablets.
Actually I have not heard back on whether to start taking Aspirin? I shall have to ask the question when I go and get my repeat prescriptions sorted out..
All good fun. I'm not happy about the fact that I have to take pills for the rest of my life but, apparently these are bringing my blood pressure down and reducing my cholesterol (which wasn't bad anyway) and a number of other things - so it is good for me.
Actually I have not heard back on whether to start taking Aspirin? I shall have to ask the question when I go and get my repeat prescriptions sorted out..
All good fun. I'm not happy about the fact that I have to take pills for the rest of my life but, apparently these are bringing my blood pressure down and reducing my cholesterol (which wasn't bad anyway) and a number of other things - so it is good for me.
Oh boy
Am I ever tired this morning :-) It was one hell of a long day and quite a long night too.
I'm a little bit slow this morning!
Surprise surprise
I'm a little bit slow this morning!
Surprise surprise
Absolutely
Wiped out.
Oh my goodness - what a day.
Phew- 01:10 in the morning - just got in.
I should have no problems sleeping tonight!
Oh my goodness - what a day.
Phew- 01:10 in the morning - just got in.
I should have no problems sleeping tonight!
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Off to London
I haven't been up to London on business for absolutely ages. Well - apart from going up to get this job that is.
So I have two appointments today. I am quite looking forward to this.
So I have two appointments today. I am quite looking forward to this.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
You think of some strange things
Last night - again a Tuesday night - hardly any sleep again - it must be the reaction to the treatment. Wide awake but thinking and working out in my head whether I owe an apology to my family for putting the through all the problems of last year?
I was sort of running through in my head making some sort of speech - like at an awards ceremony - thanking them for being there for me, putting up with me and feeling very emotional about it.
And it plays a bit on your mind. I remember being very frail last July / August and people mentioned (now mind you) that I looked drawn and despite my attitude that I was a bit down. So you then think, to yourself, blimey, what damage did I inflict on those around me? We are all happy now but I was in no fit state to do much.
There is an opposing view that they wanted to see you better that it brings out people's compassion but it must also be a worry to them as well (you never want to think that you'd give someone stress - I wouldn't but I bet I did). Yeeks.
So really some things to ponder over - I'm of course grateful for everything that has been done and there I am as well wondering if I have inflicted some sort of pain on them. And then you can counter argue did I deserve to get ill, was it my fault? Then we can really go and stretch our minds on that one. I think that may be worthy of some thought and another blog altogether. Did I deserve to get cancer? I'll give it some thought.
For the moment though - did I inflict pain on those around me or was that just an outcome? Wow - what a terrible thought. I'd never do it willingly or out of malice.
No I need to go away and think about it some more. Cancer works on all those levels. It doesnt just affect you, it affects your family, your friends and that is why it is such a feared disease. Whether you want to or not, every body gets to be ill with you.
I was sort of running through in my head making some sort of speech - like at an awards ceremony - thanking them for being there for me, putting up with me and feeling very emotional about it.
And it plays a bit on your mind. I remember being very frail last July / August and people mentioned (now mind you) that I looked drawn and despite my attitude that I was a bit down. So you then think, to yourself, blimey, what damage did I inflict on those around me? We are all happy now but I was in no fit state to do much.
There is an opposing view that they wanted to see you better that it brings out people's compassion but it must also be a worry to them as well (you never want to think that you'd give someone stress - I wouldn't but I bet I did). Yeeks.
So really some things to ponder over - I'm of course grateful for everything that has been done and there I am as well wondering if I have inflicted some sort of pain on them. And then you can counter argue did I deserve to get ill, was it my fault? Then we can really go and stretch our minds on that one. I think that may be worthy of some thought and another blog altogether. Did I deserve to get cancer? I'll give it some thought.
For the moment though - did I inflict pain on those around me or was that just an outcome? Wow - what a terrible thought. I'd never do it willingly or out of malice.
No I need to go away and think about it some more. Cancer works on all those levels. It doesnt just affect you, it affects your family, your friends and that is why it is such a feared disease. Whether you want to or not, every body gets to be ill with you.
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