Rationalise this

I do a lot of that. I'm beginning to wind down for my holiday already - I'm looking forward to it, I definitely need it and it is this - not being busy to distract myself - that I imagine is going to give me more time to think, to be glad I'm here, to be as fit as I am and so on.

I'm sure there is some fancy psychological terminology for it. No doubt someone would be able to stick me on the Kubler Ross chart somewhere :-)

It feels like the end of a battle or a war and after all that has gone on, all the things you did with all the noise and in the heat of the battle now past. All that is left is the quiet of the field and then you see all of those who didn't make it. Miraculously you stand there, hardly scarred whilst many of those who went in with you are lying on the ground around your feet.

The benefit of time to let you think about it isn't always a good thing to have. However, mind and body quickly forget the experience and you do heal and you do get on with it.

And that, dear reader, is enough of that for today!

Wiped out

Oh dear. With Lynne dying and so quickly, my Friend's tragedy and also some other friends also passing away - July has just been just awful.

I sat down tonight and watched The Green Mile, I've never seen it all the way through before and it is a bit like the Shawshank Redemption, from absolutely nowhere at all I felt ever so sad, really tearful and quite upset.

Now as most people will tell you, that isn't really me at all, I'm not particularly your blubby type nor do I get easily phased. I can't tell you what it was tonight but there you go. In pieces towards the latter part of the film.

I'm OK now but I was somewhat taken aback by my uncharacteristic emotional crumbling act.

Just another step

I suppose it is just another step - finally Lynne has finished this journey. Lynne's blog was one of those that I read regularly and it seems sad to realise that in a few more weeks that there won't be too much added content. It would be good though if these blogs are allowed to stay and be tapped into in the future.

Here is the announcement.

Thinking of squeamish

My youngest has just got contact lenses. She looks very different with those on but - urgghhh, putting them in and taking them out I am afraid really gives me the willies. Shudder!!

No, you can stick a catheter where the sun doesn't shine but don't ask me to do anything with eyes.

Not going through the routine

It is quite strange not doing something when you have been doing it habitually for six weeks. So I didn't have to stop drinking and eat early, nor have I had to go and shower midday and get changed into "appropriate" clothes, prepare my bed and the bathroom and get my appointments card and stress balls together.

My wife has made good use of today by going up to London with the eldest to see some art and photographic exhibitions.

I am feeling like I am missing something which of course are the routines. I have to say I am not missing the other things one has to do though.

Compressing my week

This week is a little chaotic. I knew it would be and I moved a lot of stuff into this week so that I could pressure myself into getting some work done that actually does need to be done.

Sounds strange to stress up my week? Not really - I don't normally need to do that but recently I find I cannot get the enthusiasm up for mundane tasks anymore (not surprising) and so bunching them all up together and putting a deadline on them should (well this is the plan) mean that I can get a good run and some momentum up to complete all the things on my list.

Mundane things like some outstanding meeting minutes, tidying up some paperwork, filing some old reports, doing my expenses and that sort of thing!

All this stuff is really broing but has to be done.

Did nothing at all

I feel quite tired by the end of the week - of course I had forgotten what sort of week I had - it seemed to go on so long and be a week of bad news.

So today I just let the TV wash over me and didn't do much at all.

It will all start again tomorrow and I expect there to be a certain amount of brown stuff hitting fans as well - at least I can keep my head down for a few days and then have some celebrations and go on holiday.

Getting going is proving difficult today

I just can't get the motivation to either sit here at the PC and get my outstanding stuff done or to go through the two mounds of paperwork on my drawing board and desk. I know I must get on and get them done by next week.

I really just can't be bothered today. I have also found another complete waste of time - a bit of a laugh also - www.facebook.com - it is great fun but whether or not you actually get any work done is another story.

No Title

I couldn't think of one

Lynne's Blog says it all HERE.

It seems to be nothing but bad news these past few weeks.

Lynne's Blog

Is entering a new phase and her blog has taken on an almost spiritual aura.

I am beginning to find it quite difficult to read as Lynne has been keeping her blog going and was one of my earliest correspondents urging me on. The latest blog is HERE.

Whilst there is a sadness here there are also some calming inspirational moments and some fun in there as well. I almost feel I know Lynne through her writing and it hurts me to read this too often, I find it compelling and disturbing at the same time.

Across the world everyone is feeling different things and going through different trauma but not everyone takes the time to set their experiences down and especially not at this time of Lynne's life. I feel like a moth that keeps flying towards the flame.

Forgot

Party tonight - that should be fun as a precursor to ours next week.

Suddenly things have got urgent with just a week to go. All the organising is done now to put the plans into execution.

It is also a wake up call as I have so many things that I must do - tomorrow is organising day.

Reassurance and recognition

I met someone that I hadn't met since - September last year. The reactions and their body language said it all. How well I looked, you've lost weight, you're more upbeat, happier, forward looking and forward planning etc.

You don't tend to see changes happening when you see someone a lot, they look the same to you or you look the same to them. If you haven't seen anyone for close to 9 months then you see quite a change. It was interesting to even hear myself talking about things I was planning 5 years down the line, what I was going to do, how that was going to pan out, my short term and long term objectives and my still hesitancy to say that I am cancer free - I still think I have BC! I just can't come to terms with the fact that I don't at the moment. Perhaps, I am preparing in case it comes back and (unfortunately) that is what it does - I was warned about that.

Anyway, feeling quite uplifted by the comments and let's face it, I needed some sort of lift after yesterday.

Having a bit of delayed shock and sadness

I'm a bit of a "cold fish" not my ideal description of myself (someone else's) but it will do. Strangely for me then, I'm feeling really quite upset now after this morning. I think I was brassing it out a bit this morning but coming back and seeing my daughter and talking with her has sort of triggered me off now.

No one ever said it was a fair world, it can be horribly cruel though. Cracking a few heads and making people realise this is an uphill battle, it doesn't matter until it touches you. The constant is you know the guy you are going to talk tomorrow is a "Dick" and will remain so and you know that some idiot is going to cut you up on the motorway doing 80 who hasn't thought through the consequence of their actions. These are all the people who should be introduced to tragedy but we all know they wont change you can't easily adjust people's attitudes and behaviour like that. It would be good if you could though!

There is quite a bit of anger about my feelings though, things like injustice and human rights and doing the right thing and yet these people, who have had enough problems to go through in the past, get this to contend with. Surely they have been tested enough and neither deserved or warranted such a cruel twist of fate. I could go on but I've rambled enough about fairness.

One too many

As my friend said to me - "If I ever have to go to another one, it will be two too many".

I cannot even begin to tell you how sad it was today. The drizzle persisted at the grave side and I don't think I have ever felt such sadness as I did for my friends. Life can be downright cruel. One baby dead the other in high dependency. Every time you look at the survivor, what would go through your mind, every sports day, every prize giving. It sends a shudder down my spine just contemplating it.

I'm glad I made the journey and provided what meagre support I could - didn't say much - what can you say? Just a terribly sad day.

I am not looking forward to tomorrow

I've never been to a child's funeral before let alone a baby's one. It is just so tragic and these things happen even in this day and age and advanced procedures and medicines.

The trouble is, with all these things, you feel so utterly helpless. There really isn't a thing you can do to help. I was thinking about that with what I went through and the reactions I got. I met a firend - haven't seen her for 15 months or more I guess - so she had no idea that I had had cancer and why should she, I didn't tell everyone. She was sorry and what for? I'm sorry but I decided to use my body like a refuse cart for years and I can feel sorry for being a bit of an arse but why should someone who has no control over things be sorry? So it is a bit like that tomorrow, what am I going to say and how am I going to react? Don't know, I'll have to see how I do and report back.

And my Doctor

Who I like to pieces is unable to be funded for more than a day a week at the Surgery. He is the best communicator and most amiable GP I have ever met. I don't know - we should be encouraging people like him not messing them about.

Why can't we do the right things right anymore in this country? The wishy washy politically correct liberals ought to be lined up and kicked in the genitals. In fact I reckon I could impress them with my catheter insertion technique. In all the confusion I can't remember if I used five or six catheters. Well do you feel lucky punk? :-)

What is it about July

I heard another person I know died on Saturday. Three funerals this week, there were three or four last week, now one next week. Perhaps it is my age and I've reached that age where people that I know are getting towards the end of the journey?

I also notice on a number of membership lists that I am now in the top third on the list.

I suppose the next steps is to complain that the Doctors and Policemen are looking younger and I can be welcomed to old age! :-)

Tuesday Night Again

Very little sleep and the previous post too - my brain is in a whir on a Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. I hope that goes away now I've completed the treatments.

A tiny bit of overreaction on re-reading the post below perhaps but we will see. I'll keep an eye out for this. Perhaps I need that holiday after all?

A Mixed Evening

I ended up going out and enjoying the evening but not enjoying some of the observations about me.

I've changed - there is no doubt about that. However, what I took away tonight was that my "clarity of vision" is perhaps not in every-one's comfort zone and not what everyone wants to hear. Not to every one's taste perhaps.

OOops.

I do tend to forget that I speak a language that I didn't even a year ago. Still English but a more direct version! Even at this time a year ago I only thought I might have cancer - I was still hoping it was a Kidney infection but deep down inside I knew what it really was. So - back to this language thing. I couldn't have coped with someone like me back then telling me about ramming things up my nether regions and all that blood and gore - I'd have had to excuse myself and leave the conversation as I'd have felt quite ill. I'd probably never have told people - to their face - how it was - how I felt - what I REALLY felt or whether I agreed with them or not. I was in those days a diplomat. I found out tonight that I probably don't do any of the "people friendly" or "politically correct" stuff anymore.

To some extent, there is a freedom piece in me that says - why bottle it up anymore, why be the "nice guy" when I have a new angle on things? Not that I am right, just that things to me look so different now that it doesn't matter? That, perhaps, is an over simplification of the thing I am trying to say. Which is (and I may change this subsequently):

• That I am not entirely comfortable with the person I am at the moment. I am more brash, self assured and in your face than I ever have been. I'm pretty good at reading how things are and knowing how to tackle these but, it appears, that I now freely let people have the benefit of my insight.
• That like it or not, there have been some major changes in the last 12 months that I don't see
• I'm probably not the nicest person to be around anymore as I do things that please me not anyone else
• Worse still that I probably don't give a sh1t about whether or not it matters (although I'm not sure I am that bad or that selfish).

I hate this sort of soul searching stuff. I know I'm a bit more outgoing, a bit more brash and a bit more likely to take a risk than I was before but I hadn't thought I had changed that much? Well obviously I have if I managed to p1ss my mate off tonight then maybe I have.

As much as I like to think that I've "learnt a thing or two" I'm actually quite injured to find that I might be upsetting people along the way. I do find myself stopping at the "shock" stuff these days. I honestly don't think it is that bad - I had a rough time of it yesterday but, it isn't that bad compared to what other people have to suffer.

I probably need to go and think all this through as it would disturb me if I was really like that.

Getting better

As the day wears on but I've also gone and had some more pain killers at lunchtime and that appears to have done it I feel a lot better now although still beaten up a bit.

I'm really quite pleased that this is the last one of the 6. I can see how some people would want to give up if it does this to you on a regular basis.