Saturday has just been a case of grafting through all the rubbish on my desk and in my Office.
There really isn't an easy way around this I just have to keep at it until the pile of paper diminishes and more of my desktop comes into view.
Gradually the area around me is becoming clearer and I will at last be able to spread out a bit more - I was beginning to get very cramped for space.
I do need to stop now though as I have been sitting crooked and can feel my stomach muscles giving me some jip!
Easy to forget that I still need to take it easy.
Saturday, October 06, 2007
So the weekend
What to do? I should be relaxing but I have a batch of things that need doing and so I will sit in my office and get that sorted and hopefully clear this backlog of things I have been reluctant to tackle.
I say reluctant but actually, I just couldn't be arsed to do it. I reckoned that the best thing to do was to be able to concentrate on some of these things later as well as I wouldn't have given them my best attention.
So now - all those things are in front of me and now need to be done so I''m setting down to do them and clear them out of the way.
I've decided that I need to relinquish more of the things I do outside of home and work and I am going to be quite active in getting rid of some of the jobs I do and events I organise as frankly, they eat into my time too much. It is about time someone else did them and that I stepped aside - in some cases I have been sorting these things out for 20 years or more. Time for a change.
I say reluctant but actually, I just couldn't be arsed to do it. I reckoned that the best thing to do was to be able to concentrate on some of these things later as well as I wouldn't have given them my best attention.
So now - all those things are in front of me and now need to be done so I''m setting down to do them and clear them out of the way.
I've decided that I need to relinquish more of the things I do outside of home and work and I am going to be quite active in getting rid of some of the jobs I do and events I organise as frankly, they eat into my time too much. It is about time someone else did them and that I stepped aside - in some cases I have been sorting these things out for 20 years or more. Time for a change.
Friday, October 05, 2007
Facing up to your demons
I got to reflecting today about one of the strange things about these past experiences. That was actually going through with some of these procedures and facing them. You know you have to and so you do them but I never thought I'd be able to.
I'm thinking of the sheer fright and stress prior to these things. It has eased up a lot since hypnotherapy and since I came to terms with it. I was just remembering the utter horror of the X-Ray - some may think that strange but it wasn't so much the X-Ray and the stuff they pump into you it was the laxatives that cleaned you out prior to that - I don't think I have ever felt so miserable and I hadn't long been out of Hospital either so it was a double blow.
Could I do it now? Sure if I had to. I'd probably whinge a bit but I know what the Consultant would say and so I'd do it.
The whole area around what you have to do is the key. These things are done to save you and cure you so you go through them and yet you'd rather not. Before all of this I hated hospitals and operations (who actually likes them?) and now I am resigned to having to go in regularly and to suffer whatever it takes to make me well again. I never thought I'd say that either but that is true.
Finally I never thought I could lie down while someone shoved a catheter into me (no local anaesthetic) and instill BCG into me. However, I have done and will need to continue to do that for many years to come. It is all about what you get used to and knowing that this is saving your life.
That in itself is enough to make you do things that you never thought you could do, go through stuff that fills you with horror and to tolerate far more than you would normally. You know that if you don't it can actually mean your life. I think the stakes are high enough to make you understand why you soon come to terms with things.
I'm thinking of the sheer fright and stress prior to these things. It has eased up a lot since hypnotherapy and since I came to terms with it. I was just remembering the utter horror of the X-Ray - some may think that strange but it wasn't so much the X-Ray and the stuff they pump into you it was the laxatives that cleaned you out prior to that - I don't think I have ever felt so miserable and I hadn't long been out of Hospital either so it was a double blow.
Could I do it now? Sure if I had to. I'd probably whinge a bit but I know what the Consultant would say and so I'd do it.
The whole area around what you have to do is the key. These things are done to save you and cure you so you go through them and yet you'd rather not. Before all of this I hated hospitals and operations (who actually likes them?) and now I am resigned to having to go in regularly and to suffer whatever it takes to make me well again. I never thought I'd say that either but that is true.
Finally I never thought I could lie down while someone shoved a catheter into me (no local anaesthetic) and instill BCG into me. However, I have done and will need to continue to do that for many years to come. It is all about what you get used to and knowing that this is saving your life.
That in itself is enough to make you do things that you never thought you could do, go through stuff that fills you with horror and to tolerate far more than you would normally. You know that if you don't it can actually mean your life. I think the stakes are high enough to make you understand why you soon come to terms with things.
Thursday, October 04, 2007
I must stop and think
Before I get quite so stressed out that people are not meeting my standards and have my outlook on life.
I would repeat this a 1000 times but you know that I would cheat and just do a cut and paste!
I would repeat this a 1000 times but you know that I would cheat and just do a cut and paste!
Today
I have sat at this damn set of computers all day now and I really should have been taking things easy!
Such is the buzz I have at the moment that I have totally forgotten that I shouldn't be working until next Tuesday at the earliest.
I am going to desert my post and go downstairs and put my feet up now like I should have done for most of the day.
No wonder people keep telling me to take it easy. the trouble is you don't realise you are over doing it until after you have over done it.
Such is the buzz I have at the moment that I have totally forgotten that I shouldn't be working until next Tuesday at the earliest.
I am going to desert my post and go downstairs and put my feet up now like I should have done for most of the day.
No wonder people keep telling me to take it easy. the trouble is you don't realise you are over doing it until after you have over done it.
The importance of being me
Yep strange title.
I am strangely compelled to write a note about how important it is to be yourself and to not be anything other than that.
It is easy to change and to put on an act or to become embittered or aloof about having cancer or anything life threatening. Because a lot of people don't understand doesn't make them stupid or somehow of inferior intellect. You mustn't treat them like that and you need to be patient and to explain it (no matter how many times you have to do that).
It is the most important thing to those of us who suffer from such things, it "rules" and "governs" our lives and we don't understand why no one else knows that - just look at my early blogs about why no one dares mention the "C" word.
I am hoping that through the last 15 months I really was myself and I didn't shun friends or take out any anger on them or be impatient or sarcastic.
Why? Well I'd have hated to have given anyone I know a hard time. I know I upset a few people but more from being frank and honest about what was going on but I don't think I got anything other than that.
It will be good to be able to go back to answering the question "How are you?" with an honest - I'm fine.
I am feeling so much better today. I may be battered and bruised and still have trouble bending down and getting around but I feel absolutely brilliant.
Roll on the 23rd October when I can draw a line under this lot, stop the Roller Coaster and get onto one of the less wild rides for the next stage.
I am strangely compelled to write a note about how important it is to be yourself and to not be anything other than that.
It is easy to change and to put on an act or to become embittered or aloof about having cancer or anything life threatening. Because a lot of people don't understand doesn't make them stupid or somehow of inferior intellect. You mustn't treat them like that and you need to be patient and to explain it (no matter how many times you have to do that).
It is the most important thing to those of us who suffer from such things, it "rules" and "governs" our lives and we don't understand why no one else knows that - just look at my early blogs about why no one dares mention the "C" word.
I am hoping that through the last 15 months I really was myself and I didn't shun friends or take out any anger on them or be impatient or sarcastic.
Why? Well I'd have hated to have given anyone I know a hard time. I know I upset a few people but more from being frank and honest about what was going on but I don't think I got anything other than that.
It will be good to be able to go back to answering the question "How are you?" with an honest - I'm fine.
I am feeling so much better today. I may be battered and bruised and still have trouble bending down and getting around but I feel absolutely brilliant.
Roll on the 23rd October when I can draw a line under this lot, stop the Roller Coaster and get onto one of the less wild rides for the next stage.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Recovery and the road to it
Well today was strange - I was sleeping in when I got a call from my Mum at the crack of Sparrows - "Have I woken you?" I lied and said I was awake already.
Thereafter getting up was somewhat amusing as I ached just about anywhere it is possible to ache. Having got up I sat down at the PCs and duly knocked out a few hours of e-mails and bits and then I had to sort out a PC problem for a friend. I felt that I should have a sit down which I did after lunch and then sat and watched some DVDs purchased for just this eventuality. Half way through Lawrence of Arabia, I had a call from my friend who sounded very upbeat - which pleased me as he sounded down in the dumps last week.
We chatted about lots of things and a lot about my recent operation and the hopeful results. We both have our problems with the Black Dog turning up every now and then but, as I reported last week, I am feeling very good about myself, my job, my condition and just about everything else at the moment. How long can that last?
Well to answer my own question, at least three weeks and I hope longer than that.
I am now really getting to grips with my job and things that I set in motion two or three months ago are coming to fruition. Some of the long term plans I made are also working out well.
I just hope that I am not like the Ensign you used to see on Star Trek - the one you hadn't seen before - sent on an away mission and stunned by aliens :-)
I am 95% certain that my consultant's words were meant to say - clear - let's go to the next stage. That will be something to hear. Not sure how I'll react to it though. Considering that the last lot was two small precancerous areas that were said to be suspicious and that this time the areas looked pink but are probably a reaction to the BCG are - I am sure - the right sort of words without being completely committal before the lab results.
This isn't the end of the road it just means there is a new fork in it and the way gets easier and a little more pleasant. Maintenance therapy is there to now "prevent" the cancer returning not to remove it. It may seem a strange slant on things but for the present, I don't have cancer. These results should re-enforce that prognosis. Maintenance would then kick in which will last many years but I'll be monitored and receive ongoing treatment which will eventually lead to being clear for a long enough period to know that it wont come back.
I now have to go and do my part of the deal and get myself back into shape. I probably wont get started until next week when I am feeling a little less sore but I must get back to a proper regime of exercise, diet and life style to maintain a healthy body and to ensure that I get fit again ready for the next lot of BCG treatment which could start as early as November (about the same time as last year!).
Anyway - I am very upbeat and I must go and get some rest. I am prone to overdoing things when I should be recuperating.
Thereafter getting up was somewhat amusing as I ached just about anywhere it is possible to ache. Having got up I sat down at the PCs and duly knocked out a few hours of e-mails and bits and then I had to sort out a PC problem for a friend. I felt that I should have a sit down which I did after lunch and then sat and watched some DVDs purchased for just this eventuality. Half way through Lawrence of Arabia, I had a call from my friend who sounded very upbeat - which pleased me as he sounded down in the dumps last week.
We chatted about lots of things and a lot about my recent operation and the hopeful results. We both have our problems with the Black Dog turning up every now and then but, as I reported last week, I am feeling very good about myself, my job, my condition and just about everything else at the moment. How long can that last?
Well to answer my own question, at least three weeks and I hope longer than that.
I am now really getting to grips with my job and things that I set in motion two or three months ago are coming to fruition. Some of the long term plans I made are also working out well.
I just hope that I am not like the Ensign you used to see on Star Trek - the one you hadn't seen before - sent on an away mission and stunned by aliens :-)
I am 95% certain that my consultant's words were meant to say - clear - let's go to the next stage. That will be something to hear. Not sure how I'll react to it though. Considering that the last lot was two small precancerous areas that were said to be suspicious and that this time the areas looked pink but are probably a reaction to the BCG are - I am sure - the right sort of words without being completely committal before the lab results.
This isn't the end of the road it just means there is a new fork in it and the way gets easier and a little more pleasant. Maintenance therapy is there to now "prevent" the cancer returning not to remove it. It may seem a strange slant on things but for the present, I don't have cancer. These results should re-enforce that prognosis. Maintenance would then kick in which will last many years but I'll be monitored and receive ongoing treatment which will eventually lead to being clear for a long enough period to know that it wont come back.
I now have to go and do my part of the deal and get myself back into shape. I probably wont get started until next week when I am feeling a little less sore but I must get back to a proper regime of exercise, diet and life style to maintain a healthy body and to ensure that I get fit again ready for the next lot of BCG treatment which could start as early as November (about the same time as last year!).
Anyway - I am very upbeat and I must go and get some rest. I am prone to overdoing things when I should be recuperating.
So How Was It?
Bed shortage - nothing new there but eventually after 3 hours waiting I was taken straight to surgery. That was actually quite stressful as I hadn't been able to relax and do my breathing and repeat my hypnotheapy words to myself and get myself ready. So Blood Pressure was up, Pulse was racing and I did say why I thought that it was so. After a short while it all came back to on the high side of normal.
In the preparation room I was pleasantly surprised to be able to award 10 out of 10 to the Anaesthetist. we made a deal that I'd provide a juicy vein and that they would find a sharp cannula. They were very good - I don't have a larger bruise (unlike the rest of my body which feels like one big bruise). We also had an arrangement that for my Operation (yes they call it an Operation not a procedure) I'd be whisked off to Hawaii in less than 7 seconds.
I did feel very "heady" this time when I came to and I was back on the ward and felt quite well after that.
No blood (a few bits) when urinating was a marked improvement and I was disappointed that I had to stay overnight.
A three week wait now until the results are known. That is going to be difficult as I'd like to start shouting about it now but - if it isn't in writing then it isn't confirmed. Be good if it was though wouldn't it? Brilliant
In the preparation room I was pleasantly surprised to be able to award 10 out of 10 to the Anaesthetist. we made a deal that I'd provide a juicy vein and that they would find a sharp cannula. They were very good - I don't have a larger bruise (unlike the rest of my body which feels like one big bruise). We also had an arrangement that for my Operation (yes they call it an Operation not a procedure) I'd be whisked off to Hawaii in less than 7 seconds.
I did feel very "heady" this time when I came to and I was back on the ward and felt quite well after that.
No blood (a few bits) when urinating was a marked improvement and I was disappointed that I had to stay overnight.
A three week wait now until the results are known. That is going to be difficult as I'd like to start shouting about it now but - if it isn't in writing then it isn't confirmed. Be good if it was though wouldn't it? Brilliant
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
And so to bed - thanks Sam
Yes off to bed now.
Had an interesting afternoon snoozing in front of the telly and watching - or rather not - some DVDs I wanted to get around to watching which I will have to watch as I dozed off during most of them. I've been taking some Nurofen and Paracetamol and some throat tablets.
They seem to have done quite a number on me and I ache just about everywhere. My legs really hurt - perhaps they were put in stirrups and my back, neck and arms hurt but they are nothing to what my lower abdomen is feeling. That does feel like they have stirred me around a lot.
However, given the suggested good news, I think I will take the pain as it looks like there may be some gain to be had here.
Ever hopeful I am off to bed and hope that I feel a lot better in the morning. These General Anaesthetics really do take it out on you as well and I am coughing too - which is normal. The trouble is coughing hurts my already sore throat and hurts my chest.
Good to be back home though.
Oh yes - and I won an album I have been after for ages on eBay - cool.
Had an interesting afternoon snoozing in front of the telly and watching - or rather not - some DVDs I wanted to get around to watching which I will have to watch as I dozed off during most of them. I've been taking some Nurofen and Paracetamol and some throat tablets.
They seem to have done quite a number on me and I ache just about everywhere. My legs really hurt - perhaps they were put in stirrups and my back, neck and arms hurt but they are nothing to what my lower abdomen is feeling. That does feel like they have stirred me around a lot.
However, given the suggested good news, I think I will take the pain as it looks like there may be some gain to be had here.
Ever hopeful I am off to bed and hope that I feel a lot better in the morning. These General Anaesthetics really do take it out on you as well and I am coughing too - which is normal. The trouble is coughing hurts my already sore throat and hurts my chest.
Good to be back home though.
Oh yes - and I won an album I have been after for ages on eBay - cool.
Back Home
Shaken and Stirred.
Will post more later as I NEED sleep. All appears to have gone very well. They could see noting in there except for a pink patch or if you listen to the registrar some red spots! I'll take the Pink Patch from the Consultant at the moment.
They think that it is reaction to the BCG not anything else.
I'll know in three weeks time.
On that rather splendid news - I shall take my leave of you and totter back downstairs for a coffee and a snooze in my chair.
Will post more later as I NEED sleep. All appears to have gone very well. They could see noting in there except for a pink patch or if you listen to the registrar some red spots! I'll take the Pink Patch from the Consultant at the moment.
They think that it is reaction to the BCG not anything else.
I'll know in three weeks time.
On that rather splendid news - I shall take my leave of you and totter back downstairs for a coffee and a snooze in my chair.
Monday, October 01, 2007
2 hours to go
And the countdown is well and truly on. I had a good night's sleep and got up at 6 for a light breakfast and a coffee. I packed down two large glasses of water and I am allowed to drink (although I will only sip) water up until the time I go in.
I'm surprised that I am quite as calm about this as I am. Sure, there is a little apprehension, I don't know anyone who actually enjoys the experience after all.
I managed to sleep after breakfast - had the strangest dream about the cruise we had been on (or part of it). I've woken, had a shower and I'm about to upload some MP3s to my player to take in with me. Going through my head is the Antony & the Johnsons track that was playing just before the first operation - not the brightest of tracks but one that is now connected to the whole experience.
So 15 months (well it will be tomorrow) since discovering this I'll be having my 4th General Anaesthetic and 3rd set of biopsies. So far (touches wood) each has shown an improvement in fortune and so I am quietly confident that this will continue that trend and things will get better.
I am also convinced that this will be a change in emphasis this time and that I can get back to running my life and not having it run for me. Sure there will be deadlines and milestones for this as treatments and peek & Poke sessions will be needed and followed.
I am going to get this over and done with now and I feel better than I did last week going for pre-assessment. The back of my wrist is beginning to twinge a bit as I know the Cannula is going in there but other than that and I can feel some anxiety, I'm OK - I know the drill now, I know how it works, what is expected of me and what will happen (so there is no need to worry about what they are going to do). I know to ask for my water when I wake and to take it easy so as not to pass out like the first time :-)
Curiously I can feel the slight churn in my stomach but that will pass and now it is 1 1/2 hours before I go in.
Fingers crossed that they find nothing this time. If that is so, then we can crack open the "Internet champagne" - if not - it may take some getting used to, but I'll have to re-plan accordingly.
I'm surprised that I am quite as calm about this as I am. Sure, there is a little apprehension, I don't know anyone who actually enjoys the experience after all.
I managed to sleep after breakfast - had the strangest dream about the cruise we had been on (or part of it). I've woken, had a shower and I'm about to upload some MP3s to my player to take in with me. Going through my head is the Antony & the Johnsons track that was playing just before the first operation - not the brightest of tracks but one that is now connected to the whole experience.
So 15 months (well it will be tomorrow) since discovering this I'll be having my 4th General Anaesthetic and 3rd set of biopsies. So far (touches wood) each has shown an improvement in fortune and so I am quietly confident that this will continue that trend and things will get better.
I am also convinced that this will be a change in emphasis this time and that I can get back to running my life and not having it run for me. Sure there will be deadlines and milestones for this as treatments and peek & Poke sessions will be needed and followed.
I am going to get this over and done with now and I feel better than I did last week going for pre-assessment. The back of my wrist is beginning to twinge a bit as I know the Cannula is going in there but other than that and I can feel some anxiety, I'm OK - I know the drill now, I know how it works, what is expected of me and what will happen (so there is no need to worry about what they are going to do). I know to ask for my water when I wake and to take it easy so as not to pass out like the first time :-)
Curiously I can feel the slight churn in my stomach but that will pass and now it is 1 1/2 hours before I go in.
Fingers crossed that they find nothing this time. If that is so, then we can crack open the "Internet champagne" - if not - it may take some getting used to, but I'll have to re-plan accordingly.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
The art of distraction
Going away for the weekend was useful and has distracted me from going in tomorrow. I plan to try and be as busy as I can be tomorrow morning before going in. I'm getting better at actually going in these days and I hope that I'll sleep tonight - never did before. I hope to do something constructive rather than playing endless games of Tetris or solitaire whilst waiting.
No doubt I'll be my quiet self tomorrow avoiding any eye contact and plugged in to my MP3 player.
I had a good weekend albeit the M25 was up to its tricks which delayed getting to the Hotel until late.
The one thing that strikes me is how tired I was when I got back, further proof of the general lack of stamina I have been complaining about.
No doubt I'll be my quiet self tomorrow avoiding any eye contact and plugged in to my MP3 player.
I had a good weekend albeit the M25 was up to its tricks which delayed getting to the Hotel until late.
The one thing that strikes me is how tired I was when I got back, further proof of the general lack of stamina I have been complaining about.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Getting ready
To go away for the weekend with a few buddies. We did this a couple of years ago and had an interesting few evenings at a well known seaside resort. Of course, we are getting a little old to go charging around and clubbing.
However, it will be very therapeutic for me as I am with a very old friend and we will get some quality time together and chat about lots of things I'm sure.
Anyway, as usual for the UK will have to pack for sun or tropical storms so I'll be taking a rather large suitcase covering either eventuality
However, it will be very therapeutic for me as I am with a very old friend and we will get some quality time together and chat about lots of things I'm sure.
Anyway, as usual for the UK will have to pack for sun or tropical storms so I'll be taking a rather large suitcase covering either eventuality
Thursday, September 27, 2007
The Art of Catching Lobsters
If you ever get the chance to watch this film - do so. http://www.cornwallfilm.com/Article80.htm - it premiered this evening and I was gripped as soon as I started watching it. the "emotional baggage" that goes with cancer isn't all about yourself. The people around you, friends and family and more so your partner and your children go through a life changing event themselves.
You know that they are going through it but you can only watch and if you are rubbish at saying things (like I am) you don't let on you just beat yourself up that you - through your thoughtless actions of getting cancer - have upset everyone nearest and dearest to you. This IS what it feels like and you get a guilt complex about that too. Such is the grip of a nasty disease that not only are you fighting to get well you are also fighting the fact that you are making other people's lives a misery. That is how you feel - I don't think that is the reality.
I so have to choke back the tears when I see my daughter's first photography project around cancer and smoking - set in grainy black and white and half - way through the words "My Dad has Cancer" - there - I'm having trouble writing it.
The film deals with the affect a stroke followed by cancer has on the family and the aftermath of the terminal nature of the disease. It is heart wrenching stuff and, as you would expect, evokes the sort of response these films normally do until you realise that it was the wife who made this film and bares her soul for us to see the pain and solitude of the situation. Time heals all someone said. I just enjoyed the honesty of the film and as you can imagine I was hit many times over with the fears that we all with cancer feel in our hearts and minds. See it if you can.
Now - where's the Kleenex?
You know that they are going through it but you can only watch and if you are rubbish at saying things (like I am) you don't let on you just beat yourself up that you - through your thoughtless actions of getting cancer - have upset everyone nearest and dearest to you. This IS what it feels like and you get a guilt complex about that too. Such is the grip of a nasty disease that not only are you fighting to get well you are also fighting the fact that you are making other people's lives a misery. That is how you feel - I don't think that is the reality.
I so have to choke back the tears when I see my daughter's first photography project around cancer and smoking - set in grainy black and white and half - way through the words "My Dad has Cancer" - there - I'm having trouble writing it.
The film deals with the affect a stroke followed by cancer has on the family and the aftermath of the terminal nature of the disease. It is heart wrenching stuff and, as you would expect, evokes the sort of response these films normally do until you realise that it was the wife who made this film and bares her soul for us to see the pain and solitude of the situation. Time heals all someone said. I just enjoyed the honesty of the film and as you can imagine I was hit many times over with the fears that we all with cancer feel in our hearts and minds. See it if you can.
Now - where's the Kleenex?
Sense of Humour needed
It is difficult to make a blog "sound" the way you meant it to. For example the last one was some of my sense of humour which is oblique to say the least.
:-) You can prefix or suffix stuff with a smiley I suppose :-) either that or I need to word things a little more carefully and not as they spill out of my head and onto the blog.
Anyone who knows me can understand that some of the stuff I can come out with can take a while for everyone to get and so please do read this blog with the realisation that not all of it is serious. In fact, the best thing you can have when you have any sort of ailment is to combat it with humour if you can.
:-) You can prefix or suffix stuff with a smiley I suppose :-) either that or I need to word things a little more carefully and not as they spill out of my head and onto the blog.
Anyone who knows me can understand that some of the stuff I can come out with can take a while for everyone to get and so please do read this blog with the realisation that not all of it is serious. In fact, the best thing you can have when you have any sort of ailment is to combat it with humour if you can.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Wow - Magic Day
Fantastic - massive progress in where I am heading and a big leap forward in my attitude. I am so confident and so assured and I feel really good about myself.
I'm flying at the moment and I'm in demand. I'm useful and I'm helping people and I am doing all the things that I am really good at.
Tonight - work wise - I am on top of the world.
And yet. Deep inside myself, there is that nagging feeling that there is still more collateral damage to come.
I am a Myers Briggs INTJ personality. That is very rare - perhaps 1 in 100 at best. We tend to be visionaries and what worries me is I can see two outcomes. They are binary outcomes. Armageddon or I turn out to be Bill Gate's benefactor!!! Oh go on - I'm allowed to dream.
I'm flying at the moment and I'm in demand. I'm useful and I'm helping people and I am doing all the things that I am really good at.
Tonight - work wise - I am on top of the world.
And yet. Deep inside myself, there is that nagging feeling that there is still more collateral damage to come.
I am a Myers Briggs INTJ personality. That is very rare - perhaps 1 in 100 at best. We tend to be visionaries and what worries me is I can see two outcomes. They are binary outcomes. Armageddon or I turn out to be Bill Gate's benefactor!!! Oh go on - I'm allowed to dream.
The New Me
Well it isn't really the new me at all of course. It is the more positive me. A more aggressive outlook and a more focused use of my effort and attentions.
I am determined to claw my way back to being me and trying not to concern myself too much about the past and concentrate on the future whatever that may hold.
I've made a conscious decision to really tackle my weight and exercise regime in such a way that I can mix work and exercise and not have one cancel the other out. I am also determined to get fit and to re-commence my eating regime. For all sorts of reasons and rightly or wrongly I haven't really done anything in a routine since the BCG treatments. First it was the party then the holiday and then full on with the job and other things and all else went by the wayside.
It is easy to get out of a routine. It is far more difficult to get into one. To do the things you are comfortable with is a human trait. It is doing things because they are outside of that zone which will be setting me my challenges - John F Kennedy's We Choose to Go to the Moon speech pops into my head to do things because they are hard, because they are a challenge and because they push the boundaries. Without setting goals and then achieving them are key elements in the fight back to normality and stopping the roller coaster.
My mate K was there tonight and I have to thank him again as it was his idea that I start this blog. It is everything and more I wanted it to be and it allows me to get stuff off my chest, tell people that it is normal to have whatever is happening to you in your cancer journey and it allows me to look back and realise just how far I have come in 11 months since the blog started and 15 months since I was diagnosed.
So I've had a good day and good evening and I hope that I can just build on that over the next few weeks. I'm used to being the manager and getting my own way and having everything just so - because it isn't has thrown me quite a bit - to get back to "old" (although I don't want old for the sake of it) ways is important as it is my baseline.
I am determined to claw my way back to being me and trying not to concern myself too much about the past and concentrate on the future whatever that may hold.
I've made a conscious decision to really tackle my weight and exercise regime in such a way that I can mix work and exercise and not have one cancel the other out. I am also determined to get fit and to re-commence my eating regime. For all sorts of reasons and rightly or wrongly I haven't really done anything in a routine since the BCG treatments. First it was the party then the holiday and then full on with the job and other things and all else went by the wayside.
It is easy to get out of a routine. It is far more difficult to get into one. To do the things you are comfortable with is a human trait. It is doing things because they are outside of that zone which will be setting me my challenges - John F Kennedy's We Choose to Go to the Moon speech pops into my head to do things because they are hard, because they are a challenge and because they push the boundaries. Without setting goals and then achieving them are key elements in the fight back to normality and stopping the roller coaster.
My mate K was there tonight and I have to thank him again as it was his idea that I start this blog. It is everything and more I wanted it to be and it allows me to get stuff off my chest, tell people that it is normal to have whatever is happening to you in your cancer journey and it allows me to look back and realise just how far I have come in 11 months since the blog started and 15 months since I was diagnosed.
So I've had a good day and good evening and I hope that I can just build on that over the next few weeks. I'm used to being the manager and getting my own way and having everything just so - because it isn't has thrown me quite a bit - to get back to "old" (although I don't want old for the sake of it) ways is important as it is my baseline.
Out With the Lads
Went rather well - a bit of a bizarre evening as the sat nav took me to Rochester High Street and Not Chatham High Street. Eventually got where we needed to go and went to the pub and found our mate from Canada already there.
"What beer have you got?" "Sorry we haven't got ANY beer!" "Umm OK what about Guinness then?" - I think they squeezed one out. They had no Cider and some of the lagers were off and the lights in the toilet didn't work. However, that broke the ice and there was plenty of banter going on which was fun. One of the lads had a Video that was 27 years old!! It was made at our old school and is a very early black and white video recording. It is - well - rubbish but has some priceless moments in it, especially a thunder flash that exploded taking the camera off its tripod, deafening the cast, breaking two lamps and two windows in the process. How no lasting damage was done to people we do not know to this day. So the pub sat aghast whilst the lads reminisced about the play, the video, the damage and so on. The guy from Canada and I looked on blankly as we were not in it and were sitting open mouthed at the production quality. We are deciding whether to put it on You tube - it could be the only negatively rated video I feel.
We had a great time and were almost in tears reminiscing. Some hadn't seen each other for 35 years and so it was amazing how we all jelled back together, laughed like drains about the school days and forgot our standard stories or exaggerated them or both!
What a great evening and I thoroughly enjoyed myself - I didn't drink as I gave a lift to one of the guys and it was just a good crack with a nice curry and all for £20 a piece beer and food - not bad.
"What beer have you got?" "Sorry we haven't got ANY beer!" "Umm OK what about Guinness then?" - I think they squeezed one out. They had no Cider and some of the lagers were off and the lights in the toilet didn't work. However, that broke the ice and there was plenty of banter going on which was fun. One of the lads had a Video that was 27 years old!! It was made at our old school and is a very early black and white video recording. It is - well - rubbish but has some priceless moments in it, especially a thunder flash that exploded taking the camera off its tripod, deafening the cast, breaking two lamps and two windows in the process. How no lasting damage was done to people we do not know to this day. So the pub sat aghast whilst the lads reminisced about the play, the video, the damage and so on. The guy from Canada and I looked on blankly as we were not in it and were sitting open mouthed at the production quality. We are deciding whether to put it on You tube - it could be the only negatively rated video I feel.
We had a great time and were almost in tears reminiscing. Some hadn't seen each other for 35 years and so it was amazing how we all jelled back together, laughed like drains about the school days and forgot our standard stories or exaggerated them or both!
What a great evening and I thoroughly enjoyed myself - I didn't drink as I gave a lift to one of the guys and it was just a good crack with a nice curry and all for £20 a piece beer and food - not bad.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
YOU have control
That is what they say to pilots taking over the controls (especially learners).
The previous blog touched on something that I really hadn't considered recently but did early on. That is that you have no real control over what is happening to you after you are diagnosed. You have Yes/No choices (there aren't many maybes that I was aware of).
So consider that ride - I called it the Roller Coaster that you couldn't get off. As a cancer patient - you are in the hands of a series of people - you have no control over them saving you, your ongoing treatment as, unless you happen to be an Oncologist or Urologist, what would you know about it? The only things you can do are PMA (positive mental attitude), do what you are told and take your medicine and treatment. You can do other things as well, within your power to do, life style changes in diet and exercise and so on, you can get other bits fixed (heart in my case) and so on but these are minor things when compared with everything else.
Now, it has dawned on me that my life was entirely in the hands of other people and that is a bit scary. I had no choice but to do what they said, I took a kick in with losing my job and had the anxious wait for insurances and the like to be reviewed.
All these things are not the way you live day to day - I suppose we all know that we really aren't (if the truth be known) entirely in charge of our own lives but we like to think that we are free and can make our own choice and are in control of our lives.
Well - I haven't been for 15 months now and I think that I'm just beginning to realise that. It is time for me to take charge now. I cannot second guess the outcome of next week's tests but if it is good then life takes a new path. If bad it takes another path but whatever it does, I am aware of what I need to do, I am educated about my condition. I know what effects it has on me physically and what I need to do now is to step up to the plate (as our cousins say).
Step up to what? Well - how about leaving behind the baggage of cancer and making another path for myself? How about stop thinking too hard about it and getting on with it. Stop worrying about what a decision may lead to and go and find out? Lots of things like that perhaps - get control back over my life and live with the knowledge that I have survived a very serious illness and I may never (or I might) fully recover from that. So it isn't that bad. I still have all my limbs, I still feel good, I have my brains (some would argue that), my wit, my eyesight and so on so really there are a lot of people far worse off than me and it doesn't stop them doing things.
I'm not sure how I am going to be "this" positive about this all the time, I feel that I have to break this "victim/survivors syndrome" and get on with life. All the time I stay introverted is time missed from what is left of time here.
The previous blog touched on something that I really hadn't considered recently but did early on. That is that you have no real control over what is happening to you after you are diagnosed. You have Yes/No choices (there aren't many maybes that I was aware of).
So consider that ride - I called it the Roller Coaster that you couldn't get off. As a cancer patient - you are in the hands of a series of people - you have no control over them saving you, your ongoing treatment as, unless you happen to be an Oncologist or Urologist, what would you know about it? The only things you can do are PMA (positive mental attitude), do what you are told and take your medicine and treatment. You can do other things as well, within your power to do, life style changes in diet and exercise and so on, you can get other bits fixed (heart in my case) and so on but these are minor things when compared with everything else.
Now, it has dawned on me that my life was entirely in the hands of other people and that is a bit scary. I had no choice but to do what they said, I took a kick in with losing my job and had the anxious wait for insurances and the like to be reviewed.
All these things are not the way you live day to day - I suppose we all know that we really aren't (if the truth be known) entirely in charge of our own lives but we like to think that we are free and can make our own choice and are in control of our lives.
Well - I haven't been for 15 months now and I think that I'm just beginning to realise that. It is time for me to take charge now. I cannot second guess the outcome of next week's tests but if it is good then life takes a new path. If bad it takes another path but whatever it does, I am aware of what I need to do, I am educated about my condition. I know what effects it has on me physically and what I need to do now is to step up to the plate (as our cousins say).
Step up to what? Well - how about leaving behind the baggage of cancer and making another path for myself? How about stop thinking too hard about it and getting on with it. Stop worrying about what a decision may lead to and go and find out? Lots of things like that perhaps - get control back over my life and live with the knowledge that I have survived a very serious illness and I may never (or I might) fully recover from that. So it isn't that bad. I still have all my limbs, I still feel good, I have my brains (some would argue that), my wit, my eyesight and so on so really there are a lot of people far worse off than me and it doesn't stop them doing things.
I'm not sure how I am going to be "this" positive about this all the time, I feel that I have to break this "victim/survivors syndrome" and get on with life. All the time I stay introverted is time missed from what is left of time here.
Grinding away
Today is one of those days were I am getting stuff done but it is a progression of small mainly boring things that need doing. Each on their own is hardly worth the effort but taken together they will get rid of this pile of junk around my desk and a backlog of things that - unlike me - I have just left on one side of the desk.
I will have to get into serious time management mode once I get out of Hospital next week. There is a part in that which no one likes particularly and that is to throw stuff out that isn't important. I used to be good at that and for some reason, recently, I am putting stuff into piles to "look at later". That pile is driving me nuts and when I look at it now - I could have binned most of it.
The worry is that these things just get left and build up and really I could be so much more efficient, like I used to be. My friend also has the same problem with getting things done - perhaps it was the weeks off work or perhaps something else, certainly the body goes out of equilibrium and perhaps that may account for it.
I need to get some control back again. Up until the illness I was in control and then I got on the Roller Coaster. It probably isn't going slow enough to jump off yet but perhaps I can start to exert some control over this whole thing - perhaps that is it?
I will have to get into serious time management mode once I get out of Hospital next week. There is a part in that which no one likes particularly and that is to throw stuff out that isn't important. I used to be good at that and for some reason, recently, I am putting stuff into piles to "look at later". That pile is driving me nuts and when I look at it now - I could have binned most of it.
The worry is that these things just get left and build up and really I could be so much more efficient, like I used to be. My friend also has the same problem with getting things done - perhaps it was the weeks off work or perhaps something else, certainly the body goes out of equilibrium and perhaps that may account for it.
I need to get some control back again. Up until the illness I was in control and then I got on the Roller Coaster. It probably isn't going slow enough to jump off yet but perhaps I can start to exert some control over this whole thing - perhaps that is it?
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