Defence Mechanism

Perhaps all that anger, all the emotion and all of the other baggage I am carrying around is me being defensive?

Not sure being defensive against what? Being hurt? Getting involved, not getting involved wanting something different and not wanting to hear everyone's view? I really don't know.

Just another of the funny stages you go through when you come out the end of this sort of experience I suppose.

Off out in an hour or so to a meeting and I hope to have a good time with some friends.

Over Sensitive - Over Reactive

I have been pondering on this. I have become well, to put not too fine a point on it, a little bit sensitive and a little more emotional and a little quick of temper than I ever was before I was diagnosed.

I think I did the feeling sorry for myself bit some time ago and I don't think I had the anger bit - you know "why me". I knew "why me".

It is a disturbing effect as I am not usually afflicted with a sensitivity to criticism, nor do I usually get all choked up about things, or come close to tears or get as angry as quickly as I do these days.

It is a strange result of whatever is going on at the moment. More when I think of it.

Nice Spot of Lunch

very nice indeed. A huge Mixed Grill and as usual very good company. We managed to talk very little about our health which was also quite good.

So, what's new? Well we purged the devil on our "anger management" problems. Actually we are pretty good as we will phone each other up or fire off an e-mail and then get a call going to vent some of the anger. At least this way we can keep a check on it.

It is difficult to disguise it when talking to people these days. When you have to deal with a numpty or a bunch of numpties it can get quite frustrating. It is of course down to the "life's too short" or "stupid dumb ass question(s)" or just someone demonstrating general ignorance.

I had the "see it my way" conversation the other day from someone and the one thing I did try and get across was that it wasn't relevant what he felt about the business and why it fell apart as he didn't actually know or understand the details but more than that, the "advice" was made from a position of protecting his interests and not mine!

I suppose I ought to laugh about it but I do get fed up with all this "free advice" that is ill informed, inaccurate and biased towards their interests and yet wrapped up as if it is good for me.

But - having said all of that - things are calming down a bit and I am getting on with some planning although I would want to do a bit more if it wasn't for all the interuptions that are going on.

A better day all around

Whilst I was up late I did at least get a good run at putting together the researcher basics and have begun to outline a plan for moving this on.

I hope to have made a good stab at getting back to raising my profile with all the old genealogy groups I used to belong to. That has at least started to get my enthusiasm up for kicking off my research and in a couple of weeks I will be meeting some of the family at a Family History AGM which should once again boost my enthusiasm for getting things done.

I now need to see how difficult it is to access and use the indexes that I will need. It looks as if some of these web based businesses are a bit on the slow side - to say the least - I have outstanding queries with a number of them and so far no one has got back with answers to some simple queries. Perhaps this whole business needs a professional touch.

I am stopping now and going to bed so as not to keep seeing figures and names whirring around - lets hope I can get some sleep and actually get up tomorrow!!

A Recharging of the Batteries

I was up late again this morning but slept well. I don't like sleeping in but tend to have a non habitual sleep pattern this past couple of months. I do think that part of this was the business I was in and the effort I put into that. I worked long hours and disrupted my sleep and actually it made me miss a number of things that I wanted to do and I cancelled it for them.

The body must also be repairing itself as well and I think that the 18 months worth of operations and treatment have each taken away that stamina and physical ability I had.

I'm certainly taking things easy at the moment and not knowingly overdoing things. My Treatment starts again in a few weeks time and so I am not planning to do too much in the way of over working or over exertion.

This imbalance is exactly what a number of people have told me about. It isn't that you aren't well as such, it is that your whole body has had a shock and that it is trying to get back to some form of equilibrium. Various things in the body are "out of balance" and this includes hormones which are either too high or too low and competing with each other. I'll be speaking to my friend tomorrow and see if his CHEK meetings are making any difference to him. The hormone balances were all over the shop when he and I last spoke and the problems he was having are more acute than mine.

I'm also a little concerned that the Statin tablets I am taking are also slowing me down a bit as well. I can't imagine the other stuff I take - ace inhibitor and aspirin - are doing this.

I have said that the "D" word doesn't get a look in but really there is an element of that creeping in as well. Some of the symptoms are those associated with depression and I'm aware of them. I'm a pretty positive person normally but the past 2 years have felt like I am trying to wade through treacle. I'm not getting anywhere and I'm not getting anywhere fast either :-)

Mid Life crisis? You bet. Decisions I make today or in the next few weeks/months are those that I hope will allow me to move on over the next 10 to 15 years and allow me to do what I want to do and yet at the same time support my family as well. For many years I have held down jobs that weren't that great but paid the bills and he last few were exciting but both came to sticky ends. I want whatever I do from now on to be exciting and challenging, flexible and interesting and pay the bills. The trouble is, can it be done?

A Long Day

It was indeed a long day I was up at 5 and picked up my friend and two colleagues and we drove down to Margate for the installation of a new Provincial Grand Master. It was a very well attended affair and I was stand in Provincial Standard Bearer which is a great honour. I was chuffed to bits to get that job.

We had a nice lunch and I dropped everyone off and got home around 4 pm. It was good but a long day.

I got changed, sat down in my chair and promptly had a couple of hours sleep.

An enjoyable albeit a long day. Glad I went really.

Well

That was a good evening. No one called me a head case for wanting to go out and do my "research thing". In fact all I got was supportive nods and agreements on the basics that I thing are the building blocks of my business.

All a bit worrying - no criticism - no - "you don't want to do that - it's too risky". How strange.

I was expecting a hefty amount of "get real!" "It hasn't a chance!" and so on and yet, looking at this, it looks as if I may be alright.
I have booked a meeting with my very good friend who had his cancer at the same time I had mine. We will meet up on Friday and compare notes. I regard his judgement above many others as he and I went through similar (but not the same) experiences at the same time. His recovery is far more complex than mine though.

We really understand each other and the "feelings" you get being diagnosed, operated on, treated and recovering from this. So, if anyone is going to put a stick in my spokes - it will be him.

We have many a phone call on the utter anger we feel. Far more than any emotion, is this pent up anger with people, politics, management gurus, life coaches etc. I really cannot explain why my normal toleration of these people has gone away. I used to be able to handle them in a professional way and yet now - I just want to smack them in the mouth!

We both need Anger Management lessons and fast. Hopefully we will work this out on Friday.

I am looking forward to that.


Now - I really should be getting to bed as I need to be up in 5 hours and get ready to take a bunch of guys down to Margate for a rather interesting meeting. Au revoir..

Lad's Night Out!

That is what I need - and I am out tonight for a good few beers and to catch up on the latest gossip. Had another call about the nonsense going on with the last bunch of idiots. Some sort of take-over being planned - which makes for an interesting new slant on things.

Off for the day tomorrow which should be good but out at the crack of sparrows to get down to Margate for a meeting.

Looking forward to a good few beers tonight though and some male adult company!

Celebrate and Enjoy

Do you know what struck me this morning? It was this simple fact - that the day I got the all clear those SOBs ate into my celebrations. Then I remember one of them referring to some sort of conversation with me he had on the day.

They robbed me. I am now firmly of the opinion that. If you had been given the all clear from Cancer what would you have done? I had an afternoon and evening drinking with my mates and then went straight to work and worked the weekends, evenings and everything up until the end of November when, frankly it all went pear shaped. So what is missing? Some sort of acknowledgement and event to really celebrate the all clear that's what is missing.

I haven't had closure on that bit of the journey. I haven't had the time to work out what that actually means in terms of living and health. I haven't really been able draw the line under it at all.

Which has to lead me onto the stuff that doesn't happen when you get the all clear. You actually aren't back to normal or indeed likely to be for a long time. After a cold you feel rough for a few days and then you are pretty much back to normal. Well I'm nowhere near normal and no matter what I do I am constantly reminded that physically and more so mentally, I am nothing like I used to be and I'm not sure I'll ever actually get back to normal - whatever normal may be?

So I need to do a bit of celebrating and enjoying the fact that despite everything and no matter what I am actually free of cancer and for that I should be rejoicing and enjoying the fact that I can go and celebrate it.

Now to smash the gloomy little cloud that hovers over my head most of the time and try and move on. Yea right :-) Easier said than done - believe me.

For the best

Two people have said that to me today after I told them my work (or no work) story and how I am most probably out of work and starting afresh. I'm definitely coming to terms with this now. I know a friend of mine who is still involved is still keen for me to continue but he isn't going to pay my wages or cover the debts the company have racked up with me nor, I doubt, get an apology for the libel or allow me the satisfaction of watching them negotiate a million other hoops I'd want these jerks to slither through before I'd go back.

For the best is how I think that I would best describe the feeling - more so in a few weeks time when some more of the issues have been ironed out.

The issue still is that I cannot seem to break out of this entirely and let one thing go and the other commence. One is going to be a long protracted illness and eventual death or perhaps hanging around grasping on to lie. The other is trying to be born whilst all this nonsense and non productive introspection is going on.

I have a couple of days and evenings out over the rest of the week and so can enjoy some light relief - at the expense of former "employers" and some much needed recharging of batteries, cheering up of humour and some fresh ideas to be getting on with.

Things that now make me sad

All the time recently.

I was talking to my friend and we both have this now. it can be at any time and it is a bit like the Black Dog except not as dark and crushingly depressive as that.

Before Cancer and all the treatments and all of that, we were both quite mentally tough, were OK with things like Bambi's mother getting it or some sort of sad event, death, dying, people being hurt and so on. Bambi would probably wipe me out if I saw it now.

Well now, I get choked up when anything sad is on, even if I know it is drama or fiction - even a cartoon can do it. Things that I can't do these days - I realised that last year I made excuses, at the last minute, not to go to a number of funerals. I find anything that relates to someone hurting someone else or being cruel to people (except in certain film genres) really upsets me - things that reflect reality are powerful and yet, sad moments in films aren't violent moments or battle scenes or stuff like that that is fantasy adventure but it is more to do with saying goodbye or knowing that they aren't going to see each other again or some tragedy.

I find scenes where people are saying goodbye for the last time, scenes where some-one's loved one is taken away or is dying or has died and that sort of thing really make me have to get up and go out of the room. I can rattle on about lots of things historically and yet the only scene in Private Ryan that does me is when Ryan asks whether he earned being saved - had he been a good man? That's me - out of the room. What else? Not sure but I really can switch from being fine and upbeat to being almost weepy and I can't predict when it will hit or what will bring it on either. It can be almost anything that does it.

We kicked around the idea that it may be part of the Kubler Ross cycle - like losing a limb and grieving for it, or perhaps that we hadn't had the opportunity to let it all out. Perhaps there is something else going on subconsciously?

It is quite unusual for me to be emotional at all given that I don't have the personality type for it. I am known to be a bit of an ice man and yet when I do get going - you don't want to get on my bad side - I'm not violent - my weapons are words, logic and a hefty whack of sarcasm.

So - why all emotional? It is so unlike me to be like this so perhaps I am grieving for something I lost in the past few years? Maybe my past is dead? Maybe the ongoing uncertainty (BC can come back of course)? Maybe the realisation that I am mortal? Perhaps I now appreciate things that I never did before? Perhaps life is sacred now? My pain threshold is up, maybe my emotional threshold has gone down to compensate? Perhaps I am recognising something of myself in these scenes and I am actually feeling sorry for myself? It could be the current situation and being fed up of being no further on? Perhaps I think too much? That sounds more like me! :-)

Talking of thinking, I've only started to realise recently quite what I have been through and it may be that I am reacting to that. It isn't for sissies as I was once told - and I'd agree with that. You do need to get on with your life and you deal with what you have and what you are going through in the best way you can. No one tells you how to deal with it. Perhaps it is relief or realisation or some other delayed shock? Whatever it is, it isn't worrying me although I have had to leave the room a few times when everyone was there.

I find great empathy with people suffering and I can barely watch certain programmes like that on TV, I have to turn over or turn off. Perhaps it is that - God knows I've wanted to sit down in a corner a cry and let it all out - maybe I ought to - in a controlled way of course :-) I still feel pain in my hand where the cannula normally gets put and in my lower abdomen where I imagine the muscles still aren't back to where they should be. I know that in a few weeks I am back on the BCG Treatments too. I'm also acutely aware that I'm actually doing alright and other people are in a far worse of state than I am and yet, it is all about you at the end of the day.

I tell this blog more than I tell some of the people I know. I've seen the pain in their eyes or in their voices when on the phone listening to what I have done to me and even now a lot of that is for me to know about. No one else was with me when all the stuff happened (apart from the professionals of course).

I'm not sad now- I'm OK but being quite reflective about things. I realised that when I read certain blogs too I get sad. Not my blogs, other sufferers and those who didn't make it. It can be no coincidence that it is also coinciding with some major crossroads in my life and some major choices for the road ahead. There are a head full of emotions, facts and figures, rights and wrongs and past and futures to be filtered, reviewed, filed, dealt with and for a plan to come out for how to move forward again. It is perhaps that too which is making me review all these things and get rid of them, move the emotional roadblocks out of the way and to get on with life.

Blimey - that was a long blog to say that I felt sad sometimes! :-)

University

Oh I'd love to go to University. I got a letter asking f I'd want to do some more studies with the Open University. I did a course a few years ago and had a great time. It was a correspondence course though. however, it was to Post Graduate level and I got great marks in it. The worst thing was doing a 3 1/2 hour exam and feeling as if my hand had dropped off as it was a written test and who uses pens these days?? :-)

Anyway, it would be interesting and I am going to have a look and see if they have any courses for History or Researcher or something along those lines. That would be useful for me to be learning something as well as changing jobs! I see there is also a course in Family History Research which may be just what I need.

We were never really told that we could have gone to University after leaving school and so I missed out - perhaps now I can get back in there and in the words of Darth Vader "Fulfill my destiny"?

Disappointing

People are disappointing. Not all of them mind you but some people are very narrow minded and very selfish I find.

So Flame ON - it isn't necessarily about BC but it may just get this out of my system :-)

I hadn't considered for one minute that the reason most of the people I was dealing with were being so utterly illogical and weren't facing up to the truth and were (and still are) totally oblivious to the legal repercussions and why their communications to me were ferocious and personal attacks on my character until it struck me today what it actually was.

This business should have unleashed a service that would make millions and that very quickly. I'd always treated it as a high risk although had I known that the back office was missing I'd have walked away earlier.

So my point? These people are only focused on the money. They are blind and oblivious to the obstacles in their way. they can't see those. It will never happen for them because they cannot see further than being mega rich and yet, to actually achieve that, they need to forget that and work on the foundations first. In fact they need to do some work and planning as well but they have been corrupted by their greed.

What is disappointing is that they are blindingly charging into oblivion and for some, legal minefields and certain criminal and corporate proceeding and rather than taking a realism tablet and waking up to it, they are giving me a hard time for bringing it to their attention in the first place. Where they had people(including myself) sympathetic to their cause, they have so royally upset them in just a few weeks that even the hardest of them has walked away. The trouble with that is that they all want their investments back now and these guys are liked cornered wounded animals. They haven't got the money the owe and can see only one way out which is to fight and in fact it will be their downfall.

It is their inability to see past the money that makes me annoyed that and their ignorance of the law and the way that they will trample over anyone to get to their goal without realising that it will eventually be the undoing of them. I told them this in October/November, I read them their fortune and what would happen if they continued to pursue this course of action. They continued, it is falling down like a pack of cards and it is my fault! Yea right!

I am having a problem with the fact that they robbed me of 7 months of my time/effort as the one thing I do know about is time and how precious that commodity actually is. Whilst I don't like to wish ill on people, it would be good if they were banged up for fraud as that way they would have their time taken off of them and be in a position to reflect at last on what they have done. Frankly they should rot in a damp jail somewhere for 5 or 10 years for fraud except they still don't see that or get it.

Yes, I am very disappointed with these people. For robbing me of 7 months time and then making me out to be the criminal. For taking other people's money and not delivering on their promises. For managing themselves into a corner and then blaming everyone else but themselves for their failures. For not being people with souls, backbone, moral fibre and for being liars and taking things by deceptive and fraudulent means. It may not get me my money back but this little blast made me a feel a lot better :-)

Flame OFF

An amusing addition to this is that I was discussing a point of Law referring to a contract when one of the Directors gave the diametrically opposite meaning of the Law I was talking about. Ignorance is no defence in the eyes of the Law, these guys should defend themselves. It won't stop them going down but it will give the Court and the Judicial system plenty to laugh about.

Just to prove me wrong

Went to bed last night and slept for 11 hours! We had been out at some friends and we just had a good time and there wasn't anything going on about old jobs or anything else, we had a good meal and a good laugh afterwards which is always the best medicine :-)

So it can be done.

Mid Life Crisis

I reckon it has got to be a combination of the mid life crisis - the relief of getting past having cancer and the loss of 7 months work (my time) last year that is giving me these sleepless nights. This isn't laying awake worrying about anything. This is laying awake replaying past things, formulating plans and my mind going off on "what if" scenario plans. This is major activity and it isn't switching itself off like it used to. My brain does this all day long at the moment.

I cannot easily stop this processing of data though as it is pretty important if I am going to make a dash for the hills and get out of my past life and into my new one. I need to make sure I am making the right decisions. I mean after all, do I burn my bridges and just go off and do this (highly unlike me to do that)? Do I gradually change into this new role? Do I "big bang" this and emerge as if from a chrysalis Monday morning a new me?

It feels to me as if it is a mid life crisis fueled and brought on by the bladder cancer and the realisation that I am mortal. It is just such a big departure from my everyday cautious self - or is it? Let's face it all I am doing at the moment is typical due diligence and risk analysis - what I haven't brought to the surface or perhaps this is in the back of my mind is the risk and consequence of failure?

I think I think too much. Such is the curse of an INTJ!

Week one

Out of the way, some research started and some ideas are coming together now. I have an inkling of how I can bring this together and some ideas of costs to set up and prices to charge and how that could be achieved.

I'm just going to do some research on my own tree to see how difficult it can be to do the detective work for others. I am making it difficult to find the data by using wider searches and trying alternative spellings (something all too common in this business).

I'm hoping for a bit more inspiration over the next few days and to give myself an opportunity to work out a plan to get the idea to market. It is a little more complex than I first thought mainly due to the way that the web site will need to be structured and the high level of automation I will need to ensure it runs when I am not in the office. This will mean some time to specify what I need and a while to develop the site an the merchant account and shopping basket for it. It is good stuff - I just need to immerse myself in it a bit further so that it gets exciting. I'm not at excited yet - I am at skeptical still.

The morning blues

It is the 4th January 2008 and already I'm getting tested. A nice job came in the e-mail this morning. It would pay the bills, be easy enough to do and be a way of recouping losses on the previous venture but my heart just isn't in it. I really am quite anti getting back involved with anything to do with IT, project management or anything like it. I get tired of telling people what is wrong (what I am paid to do) only for them to yell at me and say I'm wrong and then their whole organisation comes crashing down like a pack of cards and somehow it is my fault.

You may detect a slight flash of anger in that last sentence :-) It does make my blood boil how many times this has happened and how often the problems are identified and various strategies are produced to manage around or past the problem and n one listens or does anything. When the worst happens no one can quite believe it and they all look like creatures emerging from the dark blinking in the sunlight.

So, better off out of it but it makes me feel almost empty to be leaving that all behind. I know I should do it for my health and for my sanity but turning your back on something you've done for most of your life is actually a lot more difficult than you'd think. Anyway, having said that there is an empty feeling there is also a growing idea for the new business which will keep me focused and hopefully get me over this uncomfortable period I am going through now. I imagine it is like getting a divorce or losing a loved one as it feels to be a great part of your life being removed.

Well I've gone and done it

Prompted by an earlier comment I thought why not? So I have put my name forward for consideration for this gig in Chicago in August. I have already written most of the paper and would have to add about another 40 minutes to make it a 1 hour talk.

It should be interesting to see if they fancy me delivering this piece as I'm not a recognised academic. However, I have been published using the same material on three separate occasions so who knows? I now need to wait and see what happens. Final places are awarded in March. Wish me luck.

Bigger decision than I thought it would be

It is quite a taxing problem to deal with. You can kick around all the pros and cons of running a totally new business and to make something that I am a "good amateur" at into a profession. My business training alone will allow me to control all of the day to day things that need to be done.

Surprisingly for what appears a simple business they are a bit daunting as the plans need to include for a level of web based automation as I wont be sitting at the phones or at my PC 24 x 7. This then leads onto the real difference between being an amateur and a professional and having put the time in to make a business that actually works and that isn't a hobby bringing in the odd bit of beer money.



It is taking the first step that is the difficult bit. I remember setting up my own business 10 years ago and having to do exactly that, take that first step into the unknown. Once I had done that, it wasn't so bad and I adapted quickly and the business went along nicely. this time, I'm that much older, in an industry that is potentially one of 80% amateurs and 20% who know what they are about. The first step is the one.



Then there is all the re-branding to be done - I would imagine that it would be quite a conversation piece and that word of mouth and networking will be useful but when was the last time that finding a researcher came up in conversation? It is more than that though - it is like moving away and leaving all your friends behind. Going to a far away land and leaving all the comforts behind, breaking routines, getting outside of your comfort zone and - more than likely - breaking all of those habits I've built up over the past 10 or 20 years.

That is where the battle is taking place at the moment - not that I can't do the job, not that the technical challenges cannot be met - as I know they can but it is the actual getting up and doing it that is hard. The biggest rut you have to get out of is the rut you are in. The most uncomfortable thing about this is that it is the unknown that holds part of me back and yet the other half of me is screaming "do it!" The rational and the emotional are having a good old fight at the moment. Breaking the bonds I can feel them tearing away one by one as I slowly pull myself out of the baggage of 30 years of supervising other people :-)

I'm sure it will all work out OK in the end. I just hate the procrastination bit I have to go through (the curse of the Project Manager's mindset) as I weigh the options the risks, work out contingencies and all that good stuff. Unfortunately that is me and how I am. It would be good once in a while just to go off and do something on a whim though :-) It would terrify me but a lot of people run their whole lives like that! Wow - exciting...

Enough thoughts for this afternoon - I am getting on with some much needed admin and cleaning up my office.

To be or not to be

And all that malarkey.

I've been invited to submit a paper for inclusion in a convention in Chicago in August this year. I'd love to do it. I need now to convince the wife and children that they would far rather go to Chicago than to New Zealand where I was originally planning to go. Of course - everyone also has an idea where "they" want to go as well - one is possibly heading for University and the other is probably old enough to go with her friends on a holiday with them.

Decisions, decisions. If I go to Chicago I can present some of the research I have been doing for a number of years and perhaps kick start my new career. That would probably mean that I'd be hanging around at a convention for a week whilst the other 3 might be bored out of their minds. Oh well - I have about 2 weeks to make my submission - wish me well as I am not sure who will win this round of "negotiations" . From a totally selfish point of view I really do fancy doing it this time - I was invited a few years ago but really could not afford it and I hadn't prepared my papers either. Since then I have been published a few times so perhaps that would sway the organisers.