Dont worry - be happy

I find the massive moments of doubt the difficult things to deal with. I alluded to the almost daily worries and concerns that assail you after you have been diagnosed with an illness like cancer. Of course, we know that I've survived it. But the mind worries that if you've suffered one type of cancer then "perhaps" you are more susceptible to getting another and every ache and pain is worrying. My legs hurt - instant diagnosis - bone cancer! My mouth bled the other day - instant diagnosis - mouth cancer, I had a very slight cough - throat cancer. I think you can see what I'm driving at. Every little thing isn't little anymore its a big thing, it is worrying it is the first signs of cancer.

Paranoia you may think and yet it is generally the first thing that pops into your mind when you are not being upbeat. Being slightly down makes you like this. Being happy dissolves a lot of it away, not all but a lot.

Approaching Wednesday's operation I can see that I am getting a little quieter, a little more withdrawn and that I will be less than great company on Tuesday evening and Wednesday morning. I am looking at this quite positively as if this is clear then I will only need to have another 2 operations after this one and so can count them down.

Given that I thought I'd be having this sort of thing ongoing for many years I can approach it like this. I would be very upset to find that I had to keep on doing this for 20 or more years.

Finally on these points. The most difficult thing to get used to in all of this is that I'm not normally ill and rarely have days off sick. It comes as quite a blow to find out that your body isn't doing what it should do and that you can't run like you used to, lift weights or do the things your mind reckons you can. I'm no longer a "young" man physically - my mind disputes that of course. I find being ill, or having to be an ongoing patient very difficult, it isn't the sort of thing I want to make a habit of.

Working on my own stuff now

This weekend - a bank holiday one thank goodness means that I can concentrate on getting my own work done. I used to work the whole lot together but now, I need to give myself time in the evenings and weekends to complete it all.

Hopefully I can get it all done by Monday there is a fair amount to do and not much time to do it.

At least it will keep my mind off of having to go in on Wednesday for my Op. I'm lucky that they let me work from home on Tuesday so I don't have to go up to town then.

I'm feeling OK. I doubt I will be feeling quite as good as this next Saturday but there you go.

Hectic Life

We are coming to the end of a campaign and the money is being finalised, life is chaotic as everyone strives to complete their bit on time. Me? I'm the new boy and I have been picking up the actions that drop off the side. I'm really enjoying this job so much but there would have been no way I could have afforded to work in this area years ago.

Tomorrow we review the last month's work and I am sure that so far the quality and quantity is shining through. Someone said I had done a lot of work and I said that I wasn't getting paid to sit around chatting :-) That raised a few eyebrows when they said but you are the PR man!!

Well, in that case, maybe I am! We will see how tomorrow resolves itself. I am off out tonight and again tomorrow. The weekend is for me to catch up on all my work prior to going in to Hospital next week.

Someone thought I was going on holiday - I didn't have the heart to tell them what was really going on. Perhaps I will tell her quietly tomorrow...

Anyway, what can I say - I really do wish I had been doing this job a few years ago.

It was a strange old day today

I was doing lots of stuff and doing nothing if you know what I mean? I just did lots of small jobs which were 5 or 10 minutes things but I didn't stop all day.

I'm really pleased that members of the Council are happy with the work I am producing and so that is great. I hope that they will enjoy the results more than the initial plans! Then we can all be happy.

I have to get a load of information out of my head and into the Boss's brain by Friday so that I can get on with my Hospital stuff and leave them with plenty to think about.

I still feel quite tired and more surprisingly my legs ache a lot. I wonder if that is just that I am walking close to 3 miles a day and I'm just not used to it or that I tend to sit in one place a lot more where I didn't do too much of that here.

Soaked

Go on - how many times do you really examine the soles of your shoes? Every day, week, fortnight? Well I probably saw the soles of my shoes a week ago and today, as the heavens opened and my shoes filled with water I wondered, as I got to work as if walking in buckets of water, what was going on. The soles of both shoes had hairline cracks in them and like a sponge the water had just flooded my shoes.

Mmmmmmmmmm. Not happy about that at all. A new pair are needed ASAP.

Surprising Outcome

Wow - I lost the tribunal. That was a little unexpected really but says a lot for getting a good solicitor and spending that sort of money on the case.

I was a bit surprised at the result but, reading the judgement can see some (but not all) of the arguments. I'm surprised that anyone would "buy" testimony over documentation but there you go.

What this does do is release all of my intellectual property and releases ownership back to me. All of the work that I put in can therefore revert to me as there has been no reward for it and I can therefore do with my intellectual property what I like. Which, as it happens, given that I now work for a charity, means that I can donate it freely.

It is a strange decision even so, but, that is it. I was even more interested to note that the partners that I never introduced to these people and who are not recognised were all sent e-mails earlier. Such is the level of the people I had the misfortune of dealing with last year. They no longer have to worry about me, they do however have to worry about the writs coming their way from those who want their money back. I lost my time, these guys lost their time and their money. They have signed contracts - I hope that they will fare better than me.

Reflecting on that anxiety

I suppose that so much of the anxiety about going to this pre-assessment is about what they "might" find wrong with you. I know that it is good to know what you've got or you perhaps shouldn't think abut things that way and yet, cancer gives you a niggle ALL the time.

You see everything is cancer. I made my mouth bleed the other day and that was cancer. Had a nose bleed, a stomach upset, you name it, the mind says its come to get you another way.

I don't think there is any logic at all in those arguments but then again, logic and rationalisation go out of the window with something like this.

The nurse said, as we joked about my heightened anxiety, that one of her patients has been coming in for scrapes for 24 years and he still gets stressed out. Now I read that differently. I don't want to keep having to come back for 24 years. It's been 2 years this July. I may get out of this in 3 or 4 years (well that is my hope). I don't want to add 20 more years on top of that. I don't get ill, I'm not poorly, I am generally a well person and to be ill is very unusual. I would find it very difficult to be a habitual patient.

I think though that I may be stuck with the worry that everything was a sign of impending doom afterwards. Having had the shock of being mortal - everyting becomes a worry.

I should think how lucky I am that I work in a place that shows me real life on a daily basis. I think that leveller is going to be a good thing for me. Working for a charity that relieves poverty and distress does mean that no matter how bad you think things are for you, for other people it can be a whole lot worse.

Again, I marvel at my inability to realise how seriously ill I really was, someone did take me to one side and tell me all about my attitude and how it was paying dividends being so positive. I don't feel that at all. But maybe I have built up my own shields and defence mechanisms so well that I project a confident, it will be alright attitude and yet (dear reader) we know that is not the case all the time.

this Hospital stuff really focuses the mind. :-)

Unusual

My Systolic reading is high on my BP and yet the lower Diastolic reading is more or less normal. I'm not sure what that means they were always worried about the lower one being over 90 and last year it was way over that.

So it isn't that bad but of course, the damn thing is falling away now. I think that I will wait for a short while after the Operation and then do some more regular checking. I am quite good about salt levels etc. Having said that, I had a meal out on Saturday that had definitely been cooked using salt and so perhaps that might be contributory - who am I kidding :-)

Anyway, at least it isn't as bad as I feared it would be yesterday and I can go and have the operation.

OK- Acceptable

Well, that was sort of OK. I cannot help but get wound up over these things and yet there isn't a lot to them. My blood pressure was fashionably high but nowhere near my own readings. The walk up to the hospital was slow and deliberate and I was seen earlier than I should have been. They managed to find blood in my arm - despite the fact that many people may think I don't have any!

Had the MRSA tests this time and all the usual bits to make sure you can survive the surgery. I calmed down a bit but my ECG showed a high pulse rate - which is not unusual for me, I had to have beta blockers this time last year! So they were a little worried about that but I got it back under control a little later once they were no longer prodding and poking me about.

I almost got to the point of not remembering how many times I had been in when I was running through it all today with the Doctor - it is always a bit worrying when you have to tell them what you had done? As I was pleased with myself for managing to be reasonably under control I did succumb to a bag of Wine Gums on the way home - naughty but nice!!

So, just a week and a few days to go and I'll be back - not under the knife - but under the tube I suppose! I will be taking myself in this time. I have done it enough times to eel confident that I can manage that and that I will be able to turn myself off long enough to go through it. more as we get nearer no doubt. For now, back home and so can get back to work.

Not long now

I'll be heading off to the Hospital. I suppose I ought to be happy that it is just a short distance away really. It has been "lucky" that we don't have to trek miles and that I can quite happily walk there and back when I need to.

mind you I wouldn't like to walk following one of my BCG treatments! I walk like John Wayne afterwards.

I'm resigned to the fact that my BP might be off the scale today as it was yesterday when I took my readings. I can't do a lot about it so might as well just see what happens.

Tomorrow and the assessment

I'm not sure if I'll get through the assessment given that I just re-took my BP readings and they are really high. They shouldn't be, I'm on medication to keep the figures down so I was a bit surprised by the results. The thing I must remember is not to turn up all flustered tomorrow. I will take a slow walk there rather than do a route march.

I'll see what readings they get tomorrow I suppose - I'm normally on the high side but will need to work out whether to go and see my Doctor if this stays the way it is.

Great Evening Out

The band were great. They were preceded by a young bunch of guys called The Fore - they were really interesting and played all their own songs. I was impressed with them. Not quite my scene but I can see that they'd go far if they get seen by the right people.

G2 were fantastic, I had heard good things about them but they surpassed expectations and were as I remember the original band - although these guys weren't as loud nor were they filling a stadium :-)


All in all I had a great day out and thoroughly enjoyed myself. C came and picked me up as it was a bit out in the wilds. Mind you I can hardly believe the pub there who didn't get on extra staff. They were quoting a 2 hour wait for food!!! Ridiculous, they must have lost a fortune.

4 days

It has been 4 days since I last posted a blog. I have to say that I have been out most evenings and then collapsed into bed early every day this week.

I suppose that it is because I have been working flat out to get the projects I am working on complete for Monday. I won't e there on Monday and so I wanted to make sure that all was OK.

Anyway, I certainly hit the wall this week. I am very tired and feel quite drained physically although not mentally. On Monday I have my assessment. I just checked my Blood Pressure which didn't make good reading - hopefully that is just a today thing - they wont touch me if it is this high on Monday. It is a bit peculiar as I was expecting a lot lower reading. I shall try tomorrow. I'm off out in a minute to go to a concert with some buddies. It is a band called G2 who are a Genesis tribute band. They are meant to be excellent. Let's hope so.

Not long to go now

I am back for assessment next Monday and then the Operation the week after that. I can't say that I am quite as worried about this one as I was the last time. Can it be getting routine? Perhaps. I suppose I am busy at work which is good and so my mind isn't dwelling on that at the moment.

I need to stay positive that if this one is clear, I have two more to go and if they are clear then we can breathe a sigh of relief and go for a re-build and re-evaluation.

I am really enjoying my job and found out something quite interesting today. You can do almost anything without worrying about treading on any-one's toes. I asked three people for help today and they just showed me where to get the data and weren't worried about it at all. Amazing.

Anyway, I am getting on fine and burning through the work - I expect there to be some interesting meetings after I have issued all my findings. There are some real easy fixes and simple things we can do to get moving.

I haven't felt this good since

I don't know when. I mean really upbeat and quite well. I am not 100% still physically but generally my demeanour is so much better and I am feeling really quite good about life, the universe and all that.

Sad news tonight. A friend may not make it this week. He had a stroke about 3 weeks back and it isn't looking good at all. I need to drop a note to his son. It seems to have been a couple of months worth of this sort of news.

I was at a meeting tonight where we read the minutes from a year ago. I was advising them of my latest treatment and another friend, you may recall, was just going through therapy for Lung Cancer which then looked good - of course, not long after we got the bad news on that one.

I have to balance my thoughts and my expectations on that. I am still alive and that is what counts. I try and be selfish but never succeed but perhaps I ought to allow myself the luxury of being a survivor.

Sunday

A hair cut and then down to catching up with some more work I am behind on. It is a bit of a nightmare as I need to get a lot done and have taken my eye off the ball. I need to get some printing sorted out and a load of forms etc.

I should have done these a few weeks ago but starting the job and the Tribunal sort of pushed all this lot to one side. Plus not being around for last weekend much didn't help.

I'd better get on.

Brain Meltdown

Today - I have read about 120 pages of documentation, speed read 5 books and started putting together the plan for communications for when the boss gets back. I am absolutely spent. I have just been sitting in the library and here reading my way through and the poor old brain is in meltdown at the moment.

Anyway, that is no bad thing and at least I am getting up to speed with a bit more on marketing and PR. I understand the basics and have done a fair amount in that area but wanted to make sure that I had considered all the angles prior to publishing my ideas.

I managed to complete a regulatory project this week as well and so I am very satisfied with the week's work.

I feel very well and I am glad that I didn't go up to town today as it meant I could spend a lot of time just reading and not being in an office getting disturbed.

The weekend is catch up time as I have to get a load of personal and Masonic stuff sorted out.

Confirmation

That is good - confirmed appointments at the Hospital so at least I can get that sorted out. I can plan what I am doing now and get myself planned out and set up for it.

Another good day today and quite a lot more achieved. Research tomorrow is the name of the game. I've done a lot of sales type activities in my time but not a great deals of customer retention work which I need to swot up on tomorrow.

Right, I ought to go and get changed as I am due out in about an hour.

Catching up on my workload

It is amazing how quickly I have gotten behind on my internal workload. I will need to sort that out this weekend.

I actually have a part day tomorrow and plan to do some research on Friday meaning I won't be in the office so that will be good.

Today I sat in on one of the decision making committees which was very interesting. I am working on some interesting policy stuff too and thoroughly enjoying it still.

I'm a bit concerned that I haven't heard back from the Hospital to confirm my appointment and assessment. That is only a few weeks away! I have dropped them a note and hope that I get something back soon.

I'd like to thank

The criminal mastermind who drove into my car today. Luckily no one was hurt but a car being pursued by the police glanced off the side of our car at speed. I wasn't in it C was driving and I was on my way home from work. Well, at least no one was hurt.

Work was good again today - I nearly worked way past the end of the day! Luckily someone packed up across the way and I looked at my watch I was well away on this job I am doing

Still enjoying that and really getting to grips with it all now. I may even get to remember some more names soon.