The Trouble with being in touch with your emotional side is

That it becomes increasingly uncomfortable to sit through many programmes that show any sort of real life suffering. Tonight there was a programme about the work the Childrens' Hospice movement does and it concentrated on Helen and Douglas House. One of the related charities I work with is Lifelites and they provide the entertainment and computer equipment for these life limited children and their families throughout the childrens' hospice community.

So, I watched the programme and just got more and more uncomfortable and quite emotional about the plight of some of the guests and their families. Before I had cancer I would have turned over but tonight I stuck to it. I could have done with a few more handkerchiefs it was quite distressing and at the same time quite uplifting showing the comfort that such places provided in some terribly difficult circumstances.

What was nice to see was someone who survived a life threatening disease and she was just in her 30s and had a new lease of life and was coming to terms with being well again, not having to to go for treatment and not having her timetable set by doctors, hospitals and medication. She struggled to find meaning in it and it was good to see that the hospice rose to the challenge of helping her get a grasp on what it now meant to be healthy - or on the way back to health. Suddenly others expected her to be "just like them" straight away and perform at their level and get a job and settle down etc., etc. Totally unrealistic. I felt a lot of empathy with her as I am still coming to terms with it and what it means and wondering how to spend the gift of being free of cancer.

Here is a LINK to the web site about the programme - it is available for a few days on iPlayer.

I discussed this new "emotional me" with a good friend not so long ago and it appears to go with the territory of having cancer and a number of people I have spoken to have said they are far more "emotional" than they ever were before. I can't tell you quite why that would be apart from your whole body gets stirred around and goes out of balance and I understand that your hormones go all over the place as well so perhaps that. There is the empathy you have with people with terminal diseases and even more so when they are young. Some of these youngsters are very matter of fact. It is also a joy to see how well they are cared for and the support for everyone involved.

The strength it gives me is that I can "do my job" and raise awareness and funds for the Charity and play on other's emotions because you can hear in my voice the often difficult job we have to do in this respect. The trouble is there are so many tales of suffering that you could get flooded with it all too.

If there could be anything that has changed massively in me these past 33 months now, it is that I find anything like this programme seriously upsetting. tonight I made myself watch it and it did move me and somehow it adds a determination to change things in any small way that I am able. I may not make a difference to those children directly but through Lifelites my sporadic donations may help them enjoy having a bit of fun.

There's another thing, if you have children and they are healthy, this sort of tragedy for the parents and the child are just unthinkable. It should make you count your blessings, whatever denomination you are, and be glad that you do not need to call on their services.

Changing attitudes to Cancer

Newsnight next Monday 6th April will be reporting on "How Good is Your Cancer Care?" It will compare it with Europe. It will also look at the breakthroughs and also the attitudes towards Cancer. The programme starts at 22:30 BST.

The BBC web link is HERE

Typically I cannot see it on the night but I will use the catchup service iPlayer

I think that only sufferers and their families will have a different attitude to what the word cancer means to them. In most people I speak to they think that I have been through terrible suffering (maybe I have - I'm hardened to it). Additionally in the early stages most people thought I was dying and a lot thought I'd lose (what's left of) my hair.

The stereotypical response to cancer will no doubt be in evidence but I have a feeling that many more people will feel that the success of combating cancer is better. The fear is, of course, driven by high profile deaths from Cancer. Often these are described as "aggressive" - frankly all cancers are that.

Anyway, it will be interesting viewing and I'll be interested in what it has to say.

Working from Home

Is OK. I needed the extra few hours sleep as well as I was feeling tired again towards the end of each working day. The tinnitus is still with me although today it is very much in the background. The only thing I can liken it to is the constant noise you'd hear in an engine room or in a room full of electronics but at a higher pitch.

The mind is pretty good at dealing with it though and it just fades into the background. It is worse in the mid afternoon and the last few days have needed me to play music through my MP3 player to combat the noise and try and distract myself from it.

I'm waiting on the builders to show up and do their thing. They have to plaster the new ceilings and sort out the electrics tomorrow. Whilst I am a trained Electrician I am not allowed to touch it these days by Law. A clever move on behalf of the industry that has probably saved the hundreds of millions of people who died every year of electric shocks - not!

Hopefully all will be completed by the weekend and then, I have no doubt, it will dawn on Mrs. F. that redecoration is required. Life goes on!

OK quick blog in and out

So two days off the builders need to get sorted and luckily I am here tomorrow as they will be late. The G20 stuff in London seemed to hardly affect us but the trains in and out were rubbish today.

I am off out to a Jazz night and looking forward to that. I intend to get as much done as possible in the next few days to clear my backlog of things.

Tinnitus and Anniversary

I ended up getting the early train home from work - my ears were just screaming with this high pitched sound and I still have it now. It really is annoying and no matter what I do I just cannot get rid of it today. I tried the loud music blast but that didn't work.

It will be one year since I started at the charity and I am secured for at least 9 months and perhaps a year to carry on in my position. So much depends now on getting a proper clear in June or July and then we can discuss a permanent position.

The house is, as I suspected, in a bit of disarray but the work to the ceilings looks to be progressing well and a few more days should see it completed. It sure is strange looking up at the floor boards of the first floor from the Kitchen.

My next concern has got to be seeing the Doctor on Friday and getting my blood pressure done and then at some time sorting out a blood test. I really should get on and do that if I can but it is time and opportunity leading up to Easter everyone wants a piece of me. I will see if I can get away with the Blood Pressure only on Friday so I can get my tablets. If not then it will have to wait for a week or so to get time to do it. I'm feeling bloody minded at the moment about all these things as they never can give you a suitable appointment to allow you to sort things out in a morning or an afternoon and so if I have to work around them that is what I will tell them. I'm getting to the point of hardly even wanting to discuss the usefulness of trying to get everything sorted in one go. This time, if they can't sort it out, they can wait for me.

So what else? Aprils Fools day tomorrow - will be fun I have something planned to go company wide first thing. hopefully it should be fun.

Other than that, 1 year under my belt and it seems to be a successful and enjoyable time. I've had 2 operations and 9 treatments (I think) in that time and it does make a difference to me to be clear of having the treatment even though I'll have to get operated on in June or July. The people are nice but now the work is easily achievable and under control I find sometime I struggle to find enough to do in one day. As luck would have it there is a major initiative coming my way for the summer which I am just planning now.

It hardly seems a year that I have been there. A lot has gone on and a lot of things have changed and now, recently, for the better. A good attitude towards my future is helping a lot.

Should you go back

To doing the things you used to do or go and do something new and different? I'm enjoying doing different things these days and get enjoyment from things that perhaps may appear simple and not entertaining or perhaps stimulating. I like a challenge and whilst I don't regret having given up my University course, at the back of my mind is just the twinge of thinking to myself that I could have done so well in it, it really made me think and it really opened my eyes.

Going out and visiting other Lodges and doing presentation work for the charity are good and I enjoy standing up and hitting people with emotional stories and the way we look after the wreckage of young children's lives. I can engage with an audience and I have empathy with many of the cases and so it works really well. I get to meet interesting people but the downside is they fill me full of beer, wine and good food :-)

Things I used to do just don't seem to excite me anymore. Maybe they became superfluous when I got ill and I just looked at them as having little or no meaning. I'm actually sure that having interests does help but for some reason I have lost interest. It is just another of those strange things that seems to happen.

We are all going out this Saturday for a meal and I have no doubt we will enjoy ourselves because, frankly, I'm not going to die, I don't look haggard and sunken eyed like I did 2 years back, the drawn look to my face has gone and I'm just a happier and fun person to be around these days. I think that people intuitively know when you are ill and you put a brave face on things but cannot disguise the fact that you are ill. So they probably didn't enjoy themselves much being out with a Zombie?

Well watch out everyone as I'm coming out to party on Saturday and it is A's 19th Birthday so time for a good celebration.

Builders tomorrow

Luckily I am out of the way tomorrow when they come and rip out the old ceiling and put in the new one. It has at least given us a chance to clear out the stuff we don't use and find some stuff that I lost.

I haven't really done any cooking for the last getting on for three years. I do the occasional but I haven't actually spent time making Pasta or cooking a nice meal for everyone. I feel that perhaps I can get back to doing that again. I used to enjoy it but a number of things I just didn't do as "I couldn't be bothered". I don't think it was being lazy exactly although it could be construed as that - I just didn't want to, it didn't interest me and I got little satisfaction from it.

A number of things I've noticed that I don't "enjoy" doing much these days:

Driving - even though I have a nice car to drive in
Cooking - I used to really enjoy that
DIY - no cannot even bring myself to do that
Going for a Walk - OK once I am pushed to do it and enjoy it then but not much in past few years
Going Out (Theatre, Meal etc) - Just couldn't be bothered

It's pretty much a list of most things you'd do :-) At least I am beginning to get back into these now. I'm going to blame being ill and I'm also conscious that I must have been ill for some time beforehand as a lot of things were no longer enjoyable before the symptoms showed up. It was if there was a general malaise - perhaps that was a warning sign?

Anyway, little by little enjoyment is creeping back onto the Agenda and as I get more strength back I intend to stop living like a Hermit and get on with life again.

Good feelings

I think that things must be gradually getting better and my outlook on life is better. Over the past few weeks I am noticing that I'm just happy to do things, enjoying my days out and enjoying meeting friends and celebrating. I'm enjoying work (not commuting).

A few things need to change including my weight and further adjustments and refinements in my diet and exercise regimes.

It is one of those crazy things that I am trying to get time off to go get these tests done and cannot find time to do them. They need them for my medicines and I need them to get my prescription. It is a funny old world but I will get it done this week. I cannot believe it has been a year since I last had it done. It is also a year since I started this job and a year since the Tribunal. A lot has happened in the lost year.

Looking forward to taking a rest

Not sure quite what I am going to do this week. I have 4 days holidays to take before Tuesday and its Sunday today. I think I might consider taking a couple of days off at the end of the week. I must be in tomorrow and sort out stuff for a number of people and then I can get on and sort out my own bits.

I have managed to get myself in advance on most things. The trouble this week is that Ii need to agree my new contract - yes I have been there a year now. I need to try and get days off sorted, I need to get to see the GP and get a right rollicking for being overweight. After that I need to go and get my blood taken so they can make sure they aren't killing me. On top of that, this place is going to look like a tip whilst they replace the ceilings and it is A's 19th Birthday this week. I can hardly believe that she is that old.

I'm really struggling to keep on top of all my paperwork here but today has been useful to get a great swathe of things done. I didn't get around to the accounts but they need my undivided attention and one day needs to be taken to make sure I get that right.

Up early

bit now it is 10:30 and no one else is up - the clocks went forward of course but the funny thing is that apart from me, and I have been up hours watching the Grand Prix, the place is in silence.

I'm back at my desk and wondering whether to creep downstairs and get a coffee or just stay here cracking on with all the paperwork I have to catch up on. I must actually do a number of these things today or I'll miss the deadlines for them. I have also just seen that I am meant to have the accounts finalised and audited by the 16th April. As someone once said - "You've got two hopes on that, No Hope and Bob Hope!"

I can blame my computer crash I reckon...

Enjoy Yourself

I certainly did that today. Not having to worry about a few glasses of wine I took the bus and train and was pleasantly surprised just how easy it all was and how the connections worked. It was a lovely meeting and great food. The Cheese board arrived and I said I really shouldn't but as the wife wasn't watching I'd have a little. No one else wanted any and so I ended up picking away at the cheese and with supreme strong will managed to stop short of clearing the board.

I can honestly say that I thoroughly enjoyed my day out. I had a little sleep (as you do) in my chair when I got home and am now off to bed as we lose an hour tonight of course and also that I want to be up early for the F1 as it looks to be really interesting in terms of who has the upper hand in the manufacturers and drivers championships. Time will tell, I hope they just get on with the racing and leave the politics back at home. Fans want races decided on the track not in a court of law.

I think I may have lost a bit of weight this week as my suit fitted better today than it did last Saturday - it isn't a lot but encouraging that despite the meal on Thursday evening I still appear to be getting the intake of food down and the type of food has changed as well.

I have ramped up my fruit intake and I just need to get back into the right sorts of habits.

I talked to a friend who had the same cold as I did and he has had to have an MRI scan for his tinnitus he suffered. That is a bit of a concern but he and I compared notes and it is almost identical to the problems I had.

I was also invited out to loads of meetings and so I need to spend the rest of tomorrow sorting out those invites and loading dates into the diary for next year. One of them is VERY special indeed as it is the 175th Anniversary of Grand Stewards Lodge which will be marvellous to attend. I am beginning to feel much better about myself and it is great to be getting out more and spending time at these meetings. It cheers me up no end.

The House is in a bit of uproar as the builders are coming to repair the ceiling upstairs where Mrs. F put her foot through it :-) and the Kitchen which I repaired when we first moved in (water damage) and has been temporary for 20 years now :-)

I am grateful to be out of the house whilst most of that happens!

I hadn't intended to fall asleep in the chair

But I was so tired from a full week's work that I grabbed some tea sat down to watch the cycling and promptly fell asleep and missed it all! F1 returns this weekend which pleases me. I am a bit of a petrol head and it will be interesting to see how all the new rules materialise this year.

Certainly practice looks interesting and the cars actually look to be capable of having a race not a procession this year.

I am out tomorrow to Gillingham in Kent and I will take public transport there and back. The nice thing about that is that I can have a few beers and some wine and the train and bus can bring me back home! It is actually marginally faster by public transport anyway.

I hope to get some time sorting out other things this weekend that I have missed. As usual tiredness is taking its toll. I am beginning to lose some weight and I intend to keep that happening this year and if I can lose a lot by the early summer. Crash dieting isn't good but a controlled slow loss and exercise seems to be doing the trick. The biggest problem still remains the number of meetings I am attending and the meals and booze that go with each.

I'm sure that I will be able to settle on a happy medium.

Of strange things

One of our suppliers let us down today - have been working like crazy to get the diary together and they have had months (almost 9 months) notice but their supplier ( a big company) screwed them and so our deadline is gone. We met ours, they met theirs the supplier screwed up. Our customer (yes we have them in charities) is furious and wants us to pull out all the stops but frankly if the world's top supplier says we aren't printing them until we are ready then not a lot is going to happen and I'm not spending more time on something that isn't achievable.

I went off this evening to the Bosses Lodge meeting. It was very nice and I got to do a lot of work even as a visitor. A good meal but silly journey home. Had the weepy, crying stupid girlie on the train who decided to light up a cigarette, which I'm guessing fell into whatever she was drinking o then it sounded like she was sick and then she started crying. I moved carriages but she decided to try and move herself but couldn't find the door button for a while. All the time I was dreading her getting near. Luckily the train made it into the station as she managed to work the door. The smell of cheap perfume, vomit and stale cigarettes really did nothing for her, her makeup had run and she could barely stand. Oh to be young again :-)

I'm still tired as you like. More so as I got woken a number of times and had just a few hours. I intend to try and get some more tonight.

I have run out of time to take holiday. I hope that I can negotiate that in the next week or so.

The end of March is rapidly approaching and I haven't done a load of things I should.. The weekend may be catch up time. At least F1 starts again and the clocks go forward losing us an hour!!!

By leaving work an hour early

I actually get home in really good time. By now my train would have only just pulled into the station and I'd be walking for 10 to 25 minutes and not be home for another 30 minutes. So it looks as if this could be a plan if I can swing it. Damn I was tired though and as the boss was trapped in a meeting and has all my documents with him to comment on I decided I might as well go home than sit there twiddling my thumbs.

I'll have a full on day tomorrow followed by an evening out with half the chaps in the office at their Lodge meeting. All good fun.

As for tiredness and fatigue it just goes with the territory - it is one of those things that I imagine you eventually get over or come to exist with.

I caught my ear

With my nail yesterday and cut it quite badly and the damn thing is driving me nuts - I managed to knock the scab off and start it bleeding again this evening. I feel like a bit of a wreck as my arms and shoulder ache and my ear is still screeching. I could do with some sleep and will take myself off after completing this late night blog. I tend to sit down and spend ages not doing anything and then suddenly realise it is late.

Had a bit of a shock with the ear bleeding though as I was sat on the toilet and used some tissue paper to staunch the flow of blood and dropped that down the pan. When I got up I could see blood in the toilet and I very nearly shocked myself stupid until I realised what it must have been. Since then I have been taking particular notice of when I go to the toilet in case there IS blood there. SHUDDER!!! Nothing on this earth can ever prepare you for how gross that actually is - almost unreal experience and not one I recommend to anyone...

Half way through the week tomorrow. I must plan out my contract and other stuff tomorrow and all my commitments. I could do with time off really but that isn't going to happen this week.

The New Desk

Is a it more challenging than the old one as one of my colleagues is even more "off the wall" than I am.  A nice guy and all but with a most bizarre sense of humour which takes some getting used to.  I know I can make huge lateral leaps in the way my mind works but this guy leaps whole universes :-)

Work is OK, a bit grinding at the moment as I am pushing through things that need to get done and get sorted.  Interestingly enough, when we get past the next 6 weeks or so it all goes quiet for a while.  There is just so much work going on at the moment that it makes your head spin.

Somehow I need to get time off to get my Blood Pressure taken and have a blood test so I can get my next lot of tablets - will be funny if they refuse to give them to me I suppose as the results can only go downhill if I don't have them.  

Can't say I really fancy another blood test but I suppose I should be used to the bloody things by now.  

I am thinking about taking some time off and quite what I want to do for some holiday.  L is away for a month and A goes away at about the same time.  That could give me 4 weeks Holiday but Mrs F cannot get off work early.  She isn't amused with the idea of me jetting off somewhere and then she has to find where I went and catch up with me.  The fun bit - I don't tell her where in the world I'm going to go.

I have a lot of ideas about what I want to do but getting around to any of them is another thing.  I suppose there will be a need to plan it around any operation that I need and remembering the mess they left me in the last time, I suppose I ought to be considering seeing if I come out of it OK before booking.

The Sauna Train

It is that time of year - no matter if you take a light or a warm jacket it will always be either too hot or too cold and you have the wrong jacket. The trains are competing with each other to create the perfect sauna and tonight's train has to be the hottest I have ever sat on. I opened the windows and had my jacket off, sleeves rolled up and it was still unbearable. How on earth people sat there with their coats on I have no idea.


I still have tinnitus which is very off putting as the high pitched screaming was giving me some trouble today at a meeting. Fitness - average, attitude - not bad - work is good, feeling - well a little sick if the truth be known, I had a nice enough meal this evening and went for a beer after our Lodge of Instruction and I feel a little queasy - I even left some of my beer which is unusual to say the least. Not sure if the beer was the reason or the catalyst.

So sat here feeling a little less than my normal humorous and upbeat self, trying not to cough or hiccup in case I actually am sick - it is close :-(

So, fighting back the feeling that I may be having a conversation with the porcelain voice pipe or indeed subjecting myself to a technicolour yawn, I shall continue on here for a while.

It was an interesting chat this evening that a friend pointed out there was a local job, paying as much as I get now, looking after a school's PC infrastructure and getting to work 42 weeks a year. He said hands off as he was having first shot at it - but even so - it did sound interesting. the trouble with any of the jobs is that you'd be expected to work specific hours and I haven't done that until recently since 1991 or before really. Since then I have been able to do pretty much what I wanted as long as - and here is the rub - the work got done, on time and on budget, the customer was happy and we made a profit. Simple really, keep all the balls up in the air and the reward was very much all about time - having the time to go and do what you wanted, when you wanted, as long as you played fair.

So many people don't get it even today. Most offices lie empty more than they are occupied. If you work 40 hours a week, it leaves the offices unoccupied for 16 hours a day Monday to Friday and 48 Hours at the weekend! One day people will get their heads around the problem but still in this day and age, for more than 2/3rds of the time, no one actually works in the offices that are kept heated or conditioned.

I have absolutely no idea what that has to do with bladder cancer and so forgive me for rambling on once again.

The "celebrity" or person of notoriety I mentioned in my blog earlier has died and there is a lot of "press" being made about it. I doubt that anyone outside of the UK has ever heard of her and yet some are playing it up like Diana died again. This lady was no Saint and craved publicity and lived in its glare. Being a person of notoriety doesn't make you anymore than what you were. They say she has increased awareness of Cervical Cancer and young women are coming forward to get screened. That is a good legacy but building up for beatification maybe a bit premature dear members of the press!!

By all means build on the good stuff but remember that reality stars are - well - reality stars.

It's Sunday

And the in-laws are coming for lunch - first I have heard about it! Not that I have any trouble with my in laws they are fine. Obviously I have some sort of communication problem and there's me in a job all about communication too.

I often wonder if it is me but then realise that it isn't! Things just happen here and will continue to do so I suppose. I don't thrive on serendipity, surprise and unplanned events. At least though I'll get a few beers down the neck and some wine with the meal! There needs to be a flip side.

Feeling good about myself and getting a daily boost in confidence and self esteem. Still need to work out how to lose this weight. I couldn't believe I got back last night after a three course meal and got an attack of the munchies and had a cheese sandwich at about 11! OOOopppss. Now that is guaranteed to stick pounds on me. Mind you, now that it is getting warmer I should start to eat less. I can drop a few stone over the Summer. I feel rabbit food (sorry salad) taking over my life again! If I start digging holes in the earth I've had too much.

Sussex

Horsham to be exact. What a lovely little town it is and very old and quaint in the centre. I arrived early as did a friend of mine so we set off on foot to explore. we must have looked a bit strange in the sunshine, dressed like Undertakers in our Morning Suits! We stopped off and had a beer in the centre - a nice pub and if we had stayed a little longer they had some sausages in french bread they were passing out at the bar. The Rugby was in full tilt on the TV and it was just a lovely day.

We then went to the meeting and had a great time. they do things very differently in Sussex and it was just so pleasant to sit down and enjoy the afternoon and the meal in the evening. i had to sing for my supper a bit though as I did the response to the visitor's toast but that was fine and enjoyable as it had been a good meeting and so it actually sounded like I had enjoyed it.

It would have been nice to be there without the car and to have spent a little time seeing the sites and spending some time in the local pubs. I am quite pleased with that and I was home before 10:15 so pretty good timing too.

The house is in darkeness and all quiet so I'd better not disturb anyone.

Quiet as a House

L has gone off for three days to train for her Argentina expedition. I am off out this afternoon and wont get back until this evening. Not sure if A is even in the house. Lovely sunny day and We ware all moving around each other and not saying a lot! Mrs. F. is doing something somewhere in the house, I am at this computer once again.

It is amazing how reliant we are on it these days. I am off to Sussex and so I am checking a satellite photo of the place and seeing where I can park, working out the time it will take me and checking out a joke or two as I have to reply to the Toast to the visitors this evening.