Watched the Programme

On Cancer and it wasn't too much to go on about. Much of what any cancer sufferer or cancer warrior/survivor may already knows was in there but there was a nice quote from a lady who was a Breast Cancer Survivor. That was that she didn't like people going on about how brave she was or how she must have suffered.

I think if you didn't have cancer it didn't do much for you other than reminding you of the basics. Eat properly, don't smoke, go to GP early if you have any symptoms.

On the lady who didn't like people saying she was brave etc. I kind of subscribe to that. You have cancer, you get treatment and you have to live with it. If you don't you could end up a lot worse so you just get on with your lot. There is nothing you can do about it and whilst it isn't particularly nice it's not as if you are brave as such.

The Easter Egg hunt went well again today and we had to hold it inside as it was inclement but everyone enjoyed themselves.

Good Friday

Was good actually. My friend and colleague came around and we thrashed out some business issues and plans we have been working on. We went out for a beer and lunch (Ham, Egg and Chips) which was great.

I have a load of things to finish off now as we are planning to get our business off the ground soon.

I am hoping that I can continue on feeling as well and as fit as I am even though I still get tired.

Last Day in the Office for a while

It's quite a nice feeling actually. A couple of days off work and perhaps an opportunity to catch up with some of my own work and meet some friends too plus the Easter Egg hunt on Saturday.

It was bitterly cold last year and we held the hunt inside. It should be warmer this weekend but there is a threat of rain. Let's hope that the sun shines and that the children have a great time as well as the old people who reside at the home where we organise the hunt.

I was really pleased to see that A is going to do the Race for Life for Cancer Research UK. I'm very proud of both A and L as they often go off and do things for charitable causes on their own initiative. L who is saving up to go on her World Challenge Expedition still found time to raise money for Comic Relief a few weeks back despite also needing to raise her own funds.

I was thinking this morning on the way into work of the time that A shot a series of photos for her college work on various designs for anti-smoking material to go on cigarette packets and there was a reference to her having chosen that because I was suffering from Cancer. I felt quite choked up when I read that as I realised that the family were going through the mill a bit.

Anyway, nice to see she is raising some money and probably having a good time doing so. Let's hope that all the effort does some good and that the money raised goes into more research that will help 2 out of very 3 of us.

Getting to be a habit

Missing days in my blog. Not deliberate really just the pressures of this week and not getting the time to sit down at home. Hence a blog from work.

As we run up to Easter, all sorts of things are happening in the madhouse that we call home. I am out everyday whereas Mrs. F. and the kids are off College and School for a two week break. A is getting ready to go camping as a precursor to going off to one of the music festivals later this year. Good for her - I never did get to go to one of the festivals. I hope the weather is good for her.

Busy at work in a way, there are lots of things going on which are good but there are lulls in between which are boring. I am proofreading this afternoon but my heart really isn't in it as I wrote the damn thing in the first place so I know it will be a difficult read to correct my own work. Most other things have been completed ready for the Easter break and we get a short day tomorrow which is always nice to have.

I'm quite pleased that we have booked the holiday in the Baltic. I am looking forward to getting a serious overdose of architecture and culture. I've always wanted to go to St. Petersburg and so that will be a highlight for me.

As for health - I seem to be OK. Dropped a few lbs in the past week but not really worked a good routine out for not eating too much at work yet. The exercise machine is looking dusty and I keep glancing at it knowing that I must get back to that. I have done my Blood Pressure for the past few mornings and evenings and I am back at acceptable levels - it may take a shedding of a stone or so and a bit more fitness to get back to some of the really good readings of last year.

Running up to Easter I managed, at least, to sort out cards and chocolates etc. It was a bit touch and go but that is done. I have the Easter Egg Hunt on Saturday which will keep me occupied then and hopefully I can have a few days not doing too much except my accounts which couldn't be completed last week.

Blood Pressure

Is much lower today than on Friday and Mrs. F. Almost had to have a row with the GP surgery to get my tablets. I'm happy to miss them and drop a not to the surgery asking for when they've stopped fannying around to perhaps sort out my prescription. As it seems to be the case everywhere these days no one talks to anyone anymore and there were about 3 different sets of instructions and it isn't worth arguing with these "types" as they don't actually have a pragmatic view on the world. If "Computer say no" then it is the right answer.

Me? I'd tell them to fornicate off as I can't abide jobsworths. Had one today who wont take my word for it and wants my bosses signature. Instead of my boss telling him what for he countersigned it. Me, in my organisational days, would have ripped the guy a new arse for that sort of behaviour. Unfortunately for this particular "jobs worth", he hasn't worked out what a truly awkward sod I can be yet. His day will come and he will rue the day he ever tried that stupid trick on as it will permanently backfire on him. Mind you, he is pretty strange...

So - back to my health. I'm OK, just realised though that I have booked up loads of things including my holiday and a staff paintballing day that may clash with a future operation. I think I will drop a line off to the Consultant to make sure they get me done in early June. At least that way everything is avoided.

I need to lose a shed load of weight and whilst I have started to lose it, as I can actually feel it going, I must concentrate on it. Today was a case in point. Soup, low bread and fillings and get taken out for a few beers and lunch unexpectedly. It just doesn't do and I really want to get back to a good weight prior to going into Hospital so I can be as fit as possible to endure that. I don't want a session like last time either, it left me really low so building up my strength and fitness will help.

Wot? No Sunday Blog

I must be losing it. Well actually we were recovering from our meal the night before with A and the family. Then it was early up for Malaysian GP, then it was the Touring Cars, GP2 Asia, Rally and SuperBikes and in between booking the holiday which was traumatic as after filling in shed loads of forms, got to the last page to find that they had trouble with their servers so booked this morning.

So we are off to the Baltic and the capitals of the area. I have always wanted to go to St. Petersburg as well as Stockholm, Helsinki and Copenhagen. The only one we miss is Oslo. Looking forward to that already.

Back at work today and see that the Cancer programme is getting more comments HERE. As well as HERE too.

Amazed at the views - or maybe shouldn't be as the BBC attracts its fair amount of loonies as does everywhere else I suppose. Interesting question but not really the best way of asking it. "You're reaction to the word Cancer?" Some kind of say death sentence straight off. I suppose that, apart from that stereotypical view, it is very much your own experience and that what come through, together with the Snake Oil salesmen too.

I will have to watch it on catch up TV or iPlayer later. Been a hell of a day at work, really slow and not really getting anywhere. Hope tomorrow will pick up again.

Measured BP this mornining and at a reasonable level although higher than where I want it to be.

Shock

Well it was to me - my blood pressure was through the roof and I can only put it down to my normal hate of the GP waiting room and them being 30 minutes late so I was beginning to seethe by then. Normally they are on time but yesterday - it wasn't great. My BP was way too high, it came down later but even so wasn't as I record it back here. What I do realise though is that I must sort out exercising and even though I have lost some weight now and altered my diet drastically, I do need to drop a lot of weight and quite quickly too.

Luckily we discussed blood tests and they were dismissed, I hate blood tests. The upshot is I have to go back again in a few weeks and take some of my won readings along. exercise and all that need to be sorted though as well.

On a happier note I went out last night to a Lodge meeting, ended up giving the response to the visitors toast (again) but I enjoy it and there was plenty to say and I can crack a few jokes and anecdotes with the rest of them..

Today we are builder free, we do however have dust you can write your name in just about everywhere in the house.

It looks as if a holiday may have been sorted out and we are considering a cruise. Now Mrs. F. wasn't greatly amused last time about the cruise around the Faroes, Iceland and Norway although I enjoyed it. We have both always wanted to visit St. Petersburg (Russia not the US version) and the other Baltic Capitals and it looks as if we have found a cruise that will do that which would be great. I priced up doing city breaks and it is cheaper to go on a cruise and get a day or two in each of these capitals.

Tonight we are off for a meal with the family to celebrate A's birthday. It should be nice as my Nephew is over from Luxembourg for the weekend and it will be great to catch up with him.

Maybe that's another view

Going on from the previous post and the emotional response to other people's sufferings perhaps signifies something else. I just wonder if there is more to all of this than is comfortable with most of us? By that I think that I'm not comfortable with the mortality I was presented with and that perhaps I didn't face up to it at the time and probably still haven't faced up to it now?

You get to look at death and you get visited by the little voices in the back of your head, the Black Dog comes and visits in your dreams and during your waking hours too. Black Dog? My friend's and my name for the horrible dreams and nightmares, the bad thoughts in your head, the madness and depression and negativity of living with cancer. The Black Dog comes and tears down your optimism and questions everything and is generally non constructive thoughts and dreams.

So, you look at death and don't want to go there. Invariably though, it isn't quite as bad as that and whilst you go through some pretty serious treatments and experiences, you aren't "near death", there are others worse off than you and poorly you may be, but nearing meeting your maker you are not.

I don't think you therefore actually come to prepare to meet your mortality because you don't need to at that time. If they had said "You are Terminal" then you would have to. That process of working through that particular challenge didn't happen, something similar did happen but it wasn't that. Hence now, when you see terminal illness and suffering the switch goes off in your brain and it becomes upsetting. Not because you know what it feels like, but because you think you know what it feels like. In fact the bit that is missing is that I never did sit down and face up to my mortality and what it meant. early on I got pretty upset about not being there when the girls got married, graduated or whatever - I felt sad for all the things I perhaps should have done, I really thought that I wouldn't last long but, the interesting thing is, once I rationalised things and got the first operation out of the way, my attitude was completely different. It is highly survivable, they can treat you with some pretty effective medicines and even if you need to have radical surgery done, you can live with it.

So my addition to the earlier blog is about having empathy with those who are terminal in as much as I may have started off down that path but never got far along it. I managed to turn back and go down a different path. Down the terminal path I have no idea how you feel about meeting your end, how your family and friends will react (which is a strange thing to think about really as they'll still be alive) and all the other thoughts that must rattle around your head at a time like that. When you meet someone who is terminal, and I have, you can empathise with them and be sorry to hear their news yet you will steer away from the major questions "How long?", "How do you feel about that?" as it is often in a social gathering that such conversations take place.

So, emotional reactions for a non emotional type? Empathy? Yes perhaps it is mainly that, I've been through some of the stuff you have been through and I know it hurts, debilitates, knocks you sideways, isn't understood and so on. Knowing that the person is having a seriously rough time, yes, I still consider myself to have gone through a rough old time and many have told me it is pretty shocking, I can feel their suffering but it is more than that. Comparing their problems with mine maybe that too plays a part but I think when it boils down to it, it goes back to something more fundamental than these points alone. I think it goes back to "It's all about me", I feel emotional because I don't normally feel emotional about myself. I've never really grieved for myself and my situation and these glimpses into other people's lives just reminds me how lucky I am to be where I am now. It triggers a response that I never really allowed myself except right at the beginning and that is to let it out and have a bloody good sob and feel, for once, sorry for myself!

I go back to the time I came back from the GP after he referred me to the specialist. Before I knew for certain it was cancer. I knew it what it was although I refused to believe it at that time and I locked myself into my office where I am now and went into meltdown. I don't think I cried after that even when I knew what it was and had the couple of days wait to go into Hospital. I was almost relieved to know what it was and that it could be tackled although we didn't know how bad it was going to be (staging) until afterwards.

I may have whinged and moaned about some of the tests and treatments but haven't cried since then about myself. I remember having tears of pain after one treatment but not anything on any real scale since.

I don't know. It could be any of those things and it could just be that my hormones are all over the place with the treatment.

There remains an even simpler answer; that I used to view everything as a cynic and turned over when bad or upsetting stuff was on. Now I face up to it.

There you are, an explanation but no nearer. Life's like that, it would be a boring place if we had all the answers I suppose.

The Trouble with being in touch with your emotional side is

That it becomes increasingly uncomfortable to sit through many programmes that show any sort of real life suffering. Tonight there was a programme about the work the Childrens' Hospice movement does and it concentrated on Helen and Douglas House. One of the related charities I work with is Lifelites and they provide the entertainment and computer equipment for these life limited children and their families throughout the childrens' hospice community.

So, I watched the programme and just got more and more uncomfortable and quite emotional about the plight of some of the guests and their families. Before I had cancer I would have turned over but tonight I stuck to it. I could have done with a few more handkerchiefs it was quite distressing and at the same time quite uplifting showing the comfort that such places provided in some terribly difficult circumstances.

What was nice to see was someone who survived a life threatening disease and she was just in her 30s and had a new lease of life and was coming to terms with being well again, not having to to go for treatment and not having her timetable set by doctors, hospitals and medication. She struggled to find meaning in it and it was good to see that the hospice rose to the challenge of helping her get a grasp on what it now meant to be healthy - or on the way back to health. Suddenly others expected her to be "just like them" straight away and perform at their level and get a job and settle down etc., etc. Totally unrealistic. I felt a lot of empathy with her as I am still coming to terms with it and what it means and wondering how to spend the gift of being free of cancer.

Here is a LINK to the web site about the programme - it is available for a few days on iPlayer.

I discussed this new "emotional me" with a good friend not so long ago and it appears to go with the territory of having cancer and a number of people I have spoken to have said they are far more "emotional" than they ever were before. I can't tell you quite why that would be apart from your whole body gets stirred around and goes out of balance and I understand that your hormones go all over the place as well so perhaps that. There is the empathy you have with people with terminal diseases and even more so when they are young. Some of these youngsters are very matter of fact. It is also a joy to see how well they are cared for and the support for everyone involved.

The strength it gives me is that I can "do my job" and raise awareness and funds for the Charity and play on other's emotions because you can hear in my voice the often difficult job we have to do in this respect. The trouble is there are so many tales of suffering that you could get flooded with it all too.

If there could be anything that has changed massively in me these past 33 months now, it is that I find anything like this programme seriously upsetting. tonight I made myself watch it and it did move me and somehow it adds a determination to change things in any small way that I am able. I may not make a difference to those children directly but through Lifelites my sporadic donations may help them enjoy having a bit of fun.

There's another thing, if you have children and they are healthy, this sort of tragedy for the parents and the child are just unthinkable. It should make you count your blessings, whatever denomination you are, and be glad that you do not need to call on their services.

Changing attitudes to Cancer

Newsnight next Monday 6th April will be reporting on "How Good is Your Cancer Care?" It will compare it with Europe. It will also look at the breakthroughs and also the attitudes towards Cancer. The programme starts at 22:30 BST.

The BBC web link is HERE

Typically I cannot see it on the night but I will use the catchup service iPlayer

I think that only sufferers and their families will have a different attitude to what the word cancer means to them. In most people I speak to they think that I have been through terrible suffering (maybe I have - I'm hardened to it). Additionally in the early stages most people thought I was dying and a lot thought I'd lose (what's left of) my hair.

The stereotypical response to cancer will no doubt be in evidence but I have a feeling that many more people will feel that the success of combating cancer is better. The fear is, of course, driven by high profile deaths from Cancer. Often these are described as "aggressive" - frankly all cancers are that.

Anyway, it will be interesting viewing and I'll be interested in what it has to say.

Working from Home

Is OK. I needed the extra few hours sleep as well as I was feeling tired again towards the end of each working day. The tinnitus is still with me although today it is very much in the background. The only thing I can liken it to is the constant noise you'd hear in an engine room or in a room full of electronics but at a higher pitch.

The mind is pretty good at dealing with it though and it just fades into the background. It is worse in the mid afternoon and the last few days have needed me to play music through my MP3 player to combat the noise and try and distract myself from it.

I'm waiting on the builders to show up and do their thing. They have to plaster the new ceilings and sort out the electrics tomorrow. Whilst I am a trained Electrician I am not allowed to touch it these days by Law. A clever move on behalf of the industry that has probably saved the hundreds of millions of people who died every year of electric shocks - not!

Hopefully all will be completed by the weekend and then, I have no doubt, it will dawn on Mrs. F. that redecoration is required. Life goes on!

OK quick blog in and out

So two days off the builders need to get sorted and luckily I am here tomorrow as they will be late. The G20 stuff in London seemed to hardly affect us but the trains in and out were rubbish today.

I am off out to a Jazz night and looking forward to that. I intend to get as much done as possible in the next few days to clear my backlog of things.

Tinnitus and Anniversary

I ended up getting the early train home from work - my ears were just screaming with this high pitched sound and I still have it now. It really is annoying and no matter what I do I just cannot get rid of it today. I tried the loud music blast but that didn't work.

It will be one year since I started at the charity and I am secured for at least 9 months and perhaps a year to carry on in my position. So much depends now on getting a proper clear in June or July and then we can discuss a permanent position.

The house is, as I suspected, in a bit of disarray but the work to the ceilings looks to be progressing well and a few more days should see it completed. It sure is strange looking up at the floor boards of the first floor from the Kitchen.

My next concern has got to be seeing the Doctor on Friday and getting my blood pressure done and then at some time sorting out a blood test. I really should get on and do that if I can but it is time and opportunity leading up to Easter everyone wants a piece of me. I will see if I can get away with the Blood Pressure only on Friday so I can get my tablets. If not then it will have to wait for a week or so to get time to do it. I'm feeling bloody minded at the moment about all these things as they never can give you a suitable appointment to allow you to sort things out in a morning or an afternoon and so if I have to work around them that is what I will tell them. I'm getting to the point of hardly even wanting to discuss the usefulness of trying to get everything sorted in one go. This time, if they can't sort it out, they can wait for me.

So what else? Aprils Fools day tomorrow - will be fun I have something planned to go company wide first thing. hopefully it should be fun.

Other than that, 1 year under my belt and it seems to be a successful and enjoyable time. I've had 2 operations and 9 treatments (I think) in that time and it does make a difference to me to be clear of having the treatment even though I'll have to get operated on in June or July. The people are nice but now the work is easily achievable and under control I find sometime I struggle to find enough to do in one day. As luck would have it there is a major initiative coming my way for the summer which I am just planning now.

It hardly seems a year that I have been there. A lot has gone on and a lot of things have changed and now, recently, for the better. A good attitude towards my future is helping a lot.

Should you go back

To doing the things you used to do or go and do something new and different? I'm enjoying doing different things these days and get enjoyment from things that perhaps may appear simple and not entertaining or perhaps stimulating. I like a challenge and whilst I don't regret having given up my University course, at the back of my mind is just the twinge of thinking to myself that I could have done so well in it, it really made me think and it really opened my eyes.

Going out and visiting other Lodges and doing presentation work for the charity are good and I enjoy standing up and hitting people with emotional stories and the way we look after the wreckage of young children's lives. I can engage with an audience and I have empathy with many of the cases and so it works really well. I get to meet interesting people but the downside is they fill me full of beer, wine and good food :-)

Things I used to do just don't seem to excite me anymore. Maybe they became superfluous when I got ill and I just looked at them as having little or no meaning. I'm actually sure that having interests does help but for some reason I have lost interest. It is just another of those strange things that seems to happen.

We are all going out this Saturday for a meal and I have no doubt we will enjoy ourselves because, frankly, I'm not going to die, I don't look haggard and sunken eyed like I did 2 years back, the drawn look to my face has gone and I'm just a happier and fun person to be around these days. I think that people intuitively know when you are ill and you put a brave face on things but cannot disguise the fact that you are ill. So they probably didn't enjoy themselves much being out with a Zombie?

Well watch out everyone as I'm coming out to party on Saturday and it is A's 19th Birthday so time for a good celebration.

Builders tomorrow

Luckily I am out of the way tomorrow when they come and rip out the old ceiling and put in the new one. It has at least given us a chance to clear out the stuff we don't use and find some stuff that I lost.

I haven't really done any cooking for the last getting on for three years. I do the occasional but I haven't actually spent time making Pasta or cooking a nice meal for everyone. I feel that perhaps I can get back to doing that again. I used to enjoy it but a number of things I just didn't do as "I couldn't be bothered". I don't think it was being lazy exactly although it could be construed as that - I just didn't want to, it didn't interest me and I got little satisfaction from it.

A number of things I've noticed that I don't "enjoy" doing much these days:

Driving - even though I have a nice car to drive in
Cooking - I used to really enjoy that
DIY - no cannot even bring myself to do that
Going for a Walk - OK once I am pushed to do it and enjoy it then but not much in past few years
Going Out (Theatre, Meal etc) - Just couldn't be bothered

It's pretty much a list of most things you'd do :-) At least I am beginning to get back into these now. I'm going to blame being ill and I'm also conscious that I must have been ill for some time beforehand as a lot of things were no longer enjoyable before the symptoms showed up. It was if there was a general malaise - perhaps that was a warning sign?

Anyway, little by little enjoyment is creeping back onto the Agenda and as I get more strength back I intend to stop living like a Hermit and get on with life again.

Good feelings

I think that things must be gradually getting better and my outlook on life is better. Over the past few weeks I am noticing that I'm just happy to do things, enjoying my days out and enjoying meeting friends and celebrating. I'm enjoying work (not commuting).

A few things need to change including my weight and further adjustments and refinements in my diet and exercise regimes.

It is one of those crazy things that I am trying to get time off to go get these tests done and cannot find time to do them. They need them for my medicines and I need them to get my prescription. It is a funny old world but I will get it done this week. I cannot believe it has been a year since I last had it done. It is also a year since I started this job and a year since the Tribunal. A lot has happened in the lost year.

Looking forward to taking a rest

Not sure quite what I am going to do this week. I have 4 days holidays to take before Tuesday and its Sunday today. I think I might consider taking a couple of days off at the end of the week. I must be in tomorrow and sort out stuff for a number of people and then I can get on and sort out my own bits.

I have managed to get myself in advance on most things. The trouble this week is that Ii need to agree my new contract - yes I have been there a year now. I need to try and get days off sorted, I need to get to see the GP and get a right rollicking for being overweight. After that I need to go and get my blood taken so they can make sure they aren't killing me. On top of that, this place is going to look like a tip whilst they replace the ceilings and it is A's 19th Birthday this week. I can hardly believe that she is that old.

I'm really struggling to keep on top of all my paperwork here but today has been useful to get a great swathe of things done. I didn't get around to the accounts but they need my undivided attention and one day needs to be taken to make sure I get that right.

Up early

bit now it is 10:30 and no one else is up - the clocks went forward of course but the funny thing is that apart from me, and I have been up hours watching the Grand Prix, the place is in silence.

I'm back at my desk and wondering whether to creep downstairs and get a coffee or just stay here cracking on with all the paperwork I have to catch up on. I must actually do a number of these things today or I'll miss the deadlines for them. I have also just seen that I am meant to have the accounts finalised and audited by the 16th April. As someone once said - "You've got two hopes on that, No Hope and Bob Hope!"

I can blame my computer crash I reckon...

Enjoy Yourself

I certainly did that today. Not having to worry about a few glasses of wine I took the bus and train and was pleasantly surprised just how easy it all was and how the connections worked. It was a lovely meeting and great food. The Cheese board arrived and I said I really shouldn't but as the wife wasn't watching I'd have a little. No one else wanted any and so I ended up picking away at the cheese and with supreme strong will managed to stop short of clearing the board.

I can honestly say that I thoroughly enjoyed my day out. I had a little sleep (as you do) in my chair when I got home and am now off to bed as we lose an hour tonight of course and also that I want to be up early for the F1 as it looks to be really interesting in terms of who has the upper hand in the manufacturers and drivers championships. Time will tell, I hope they just get on with the racing and leave the politics back at home. Fans want races decided on the track not in a court of law.

I think I may have lost a bit of weight this week as my suit fitted better today than it did last Saturday - it isn't a lot but encouraging that despite the meal on Thursday evening I still appear to be getting the intake of food down and the type of food has changed as well.

I have ramped up my fruit intake and I just need to get back into the right sorts of habits.

I talked to a friend who had the same cold as I did and he has had to have an MRI scan for his tinnitus he suffered. That is a bit of a concern but he and I compared notes and it is almost identical to the problems I had.

I was also invited out to loads of meetings and so I need to spend the rest of tomorrow sorting out those invites and loading dates into the diary for next year. One of them is VERY special indeed as it is the 175th Anniversary of Grand Stewards Lodge which will be marvellous to attend. I am beginning to feel much better about myself and it is great to be getting out more and spending time at these meetings. It cheers me up no end.

The House is in a bit of uproar as the builders are coming to repair the ceiling upstairs where Mrs. F put her foot through it :-) and the Kitchen which I repaired when we first moved in (water damage) and has been temporary for 20 years now :-)

I am grateful to be out of the house whilst most of that happens!

I hadn't intended to fall asleep in the chair

But I was so tired from a full week's work that I grabbed some tea sat down to watch the cycling and promptly fell asleep and missed it all! F1 returns this weekend which pleases me. I am a bit of a petrol head and it will be interesting to see how all the new rules materialise this year.

Certainly practice looks interesting and the cars actually look to be capable of having a race not a procession this year.

I am out tomorrow to Gillingham in Kent and I will take public transport there and back. The nice thing about that is that I can have a few beers and some wine and the train and bus can bring me back home! It is actually marginally faster by public transport anyway.

I hope to get some time sorting out other things this weekend that I have missed. As usual tiredness is taking its toll. I am beginning to lose some weight and I intend to keep that happening this year and if I can lose a lot by the early summer. Crash dieting isn't good but a controlled slow loss and exercise seems to be doing the trick. The biggest problem still remains the number of meetings I am attending and the meals and booze that go with each.

I'm sure that I will be able to settle on a happy medium.