Ooops - I need to get to see my dentist. I haven't been for ages and I've cracked a tooth and I know what that means so - best get an appointment for that.
Mixed reactions to the logos for the company - not unexpectedly really as there are so many to choose from and having an international audience throws a lot of spanners in the works as logos really are different to different cultures. Mrs. F. is taking them in for the Nursery School teachers to have a look at tomorrow. Both daughters chose similar logos but even they differed over their favourite. Luckily I have a foot in both camps as I like both of their favourites.
The web site design too got some admiring glances and we really are pleased with it so far.
I'm thrashing through the Business Plan and the Sales and Marketing Plan. I've had to switch away from MS Word as it keeps crashing (even though it assures me it isn't its fault and has repaired itself). I'm using Open Office which does what I want it to do and probably just as well if the truth be known. How anyone can put Office 2007 out in the wild and lose my ability to dictate to it I'll never know - apparently a 'feature' where do they get their ideas from - after having trianed my system to know my voice and to be happily dictating and then to upgrade so they can take that away??? Who thinks this stuff out - they walk amongst us and probably procreate too! Is there any chance for Planet Earth I ask myself?
I missed exercise tonight but for a nice reason. I have changed my Skype Handle to say "So you see, the best way to be happy, is to make the other person happy." — Dalai Lama
An old colleague and friend - we worked together 13 years ago on this huge Global Project that took me off around Europe for about 6 months or more, fired off a text and we exchanged pleasantries. He is a lovely guy, French Canadian and is now living in Paris (where he used to love) via Zurich. His boys are both 2 years older than my girls and have gone back to Montreal to University. He has the brain the size of a planet and was always very rude about my French :-) He said I spoke very slowly and deliberately and therefore sounded a "bit slow" by that I think he meant of low intelligence. It was very funny though when he realised that I understood French far more than I ever let on. Having both English and French as his language he absolutely adored Monty Python especially "Holy Grail" and it was funny to hear him mimic John Cleese "Your farther was an 'amster and your mother smelt of elderberries!" Brilliant such wonderful memories I learnt SO MUCH on that job, having to deal with people from all over the world. Happy days. Although they are much happier looking back.
The funniest thing was that they wanted a "Hard, tough, scarred Project Manager who knew his way around and would get things done!" Everyone wants one of those until you start ripping people new ar*eholes and then suddenly they don't like it. Mind you we got the job done, on time, on budget and the best specifications and designs they had ever seen, everyone learnt something good. Nearly everyone has gone on to bigger and better things too.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Exercise Nailed
Yes - finally I gave myself some time today to get back to the exercise regime and pounded out 5kM as an opener. I'm really struggling to keep my trousers on as well much to everyone's merriment I look like one of those kids with their underpants showing above their jeans belt.
Hopefully my new belt will arrive tomorrow as I broke my old one which I must have had for 20 years - good old trusty belt that was too!! There is a good 2" gap now around my trousers and jeans which is really encouraging me to greater exertion and a renewed vigour to get my weight right down.
We did have Sunflower Seeds in the larder (not pine nuts) along with Pumpkin seeds and now I've added mixed nuts, Brazils included which adds to my dried prunes, figs and apricots. For a treat I got some yoghurt covered raisins too - MMmmmm.
So things continue apace and the logos are in for the company and all is excitement as we work our way through them. There are insufficient hours in the day and I have lots of reading to do. I was completely daunted at one of the reports I need to work through as it is heaving it at over 125 pages. I've an electronic shelf full of these to get through all of which are market reports both of the UK, Europe, US and World markets. Additionally, all the Government papers and lobbying stuff about Digital Inclusion. It has to be done to back up the work we are doing.
I just need to find the 48 hour day that's all :-) I'm pretty good about things though, now I have my strength sort of back although nowhere near pre cancer days it has to be said, I am able to work quite hard at this but I do know my limitations and can tell when I've had enough and need to rest.
I'll be doing another hour and then calling it a day today as there are some things I need to clear up and as my PC was misbehaving I need to set some background tasks to work overnight whilst I am asleep.
Exercise still sucks but it least I am back on the case again. I just need to make sure that I get back into the habit!
Hopefully my new belt will arrive tomorrow as I broke my old one which I must have had for 20 years - good old trusty belt that was too!! There is a good 2" gap now around my trousers and jeans which is really encouraging me to greater exertion and a renewed vigour to get my weight right down.
We did have Sunflower Seeds in the larder (not pine nuts) along with Pumpkin seeds and now I've added mixed nuts, Brazils included which adds to my dried prunes, figs and apricots. For a treat I got some yoghurt covered raisins too - MMmmmm.
So things continue apace and the logos are in for the company and all is excitement as we work our way through them. There are insufficient hours in the day and I have lots of reading to do. I was completely daunted at one of the reports I need to work through as it is heaving it at over 125 pages. I've an electronic shelf full of these to get through all of which are market reports both of the UK, Europe, US and World markets. Additionally, all the Government papers and lobbying stuff about Digital Inclusion. It has to be done to back up the work we are doing.
I just need to find the 48 hour day that's all :-) I'm pretty good about things though, now I have my strength sort of back although nowhere near pre cancer days it has to be said, I am able to work quite hard at this but I do know my limitations and can tell when I've had enough and need to rest.
I'll be doing another hour and then calling it a day today as there are some things I need to clear up and as my PC was misbehaving I need to set some background tasks to work overnight whilst I am asleep.
Exercise still sucks but it least I am back on the case again. I just need to make sure that I get back into the habit!
Frustrating Technology Day
Again, I find that the technology just lets me down when I need it the most it is just a pain and I have been trying to do some research today and get to grips with the huge amount of data available. I need to convert this to read on my Kindle when that arrives and I have a PC Kindle reader so that I can get stuck into some of the technology reading I have to do. The converter seized up and needed a reboot but that took out the whole PC, then Firefox did something bizarre and I had to reboot once again. It is just such a nuisance that I can't just get on and get things done.
the stuff I am working on will actually cure that. Great excitement today as the first graphics have hit the email system - they all look great and our web site design looks pretty good too. Now to decide what we like and what we want to do. It's all great stuff and great fun. The journey is beginning to get really exciting now as we get identity and then we can really crack on with getting ourselves in front of people and releasing what we are about. All we need is a few £ Million, so if you have a bit of spare cash send it over :-) I've probably broken every rule in the book saying that so ignore it :-)
I'm having a bit more fun trying to get my 36 years experience into two sentences :-) A bit difficult I have to say - but it will happen, like so many things that we do, we just make it happen.
I'm wondering whether to have a 5 year survival party next year. Just go out and do something to record and celebrate the 5 year statistic. They measure this sort of thing when you look at survival rates so 5 years is a nice milestone to achieve and to celebrate.
the stuff I am working on will actually cure that. Great excitement today as the first graphics have hit the email system - they all look great and our web site design looks pretty good too. Now to decide what we like and what we want to do. It's all great stuff and great fun. The journey is beginning to get really exciting now as we get identity and then we can really crack on with getting ourselves in front of people and releasing what we are about. All we need is a few £ Million, so if you have a bit of spare cash send it over :-) I've probably broken every rule in the book saying that so ignore it :-)
I'm having a bit more fun trying to get my 36 years experience into two sentences :-) A bit difficult I have to say - but it will happen, like so many things that we do, we just make it happen.
I'm wondering whether to have a 5 year survival party next year. Just go out and do something to record and celebrate the 5 year statistic. They measure this sort of thing when you look at survival rates so 5 years is a nice milestone to achieve and to celebrate.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
I need to share this with you
Oh dear, I nearly wet myself laughing at this post from Steve in the US. Those of you who know me understand my sense of humour (humor) can be black, surreal and downright silly, well Steve's post managed to tickle the funny bone and had me laughing until I cried.
It might be a Cancer survivors thing, we are allowed to laugh amongst ourselves and you can join the club if you've had cancer because you know that your doing it for the right reasons. I saw someone try and do it who had no link whatsoever and frankly it fell flat and wasn't funny. I don't suppose their audience actually got it either - you have to "do it right". Anyway, Steve hit the nail on the head with this post and whilst it sounds strange that something as bizarre as having BCG shoved into your bladder may appear funny. To those of us that have had it done, you have to take every opportunity to "joke your way through".
Consider my episodes and a few of the one-liners that happened. I take a pair of stress balls into the room so that I can concentrate on squeezing the hell out of those and keeping my arms and body still whilst they stick a catheter into me. Of course, your exposed from the waist down to do this and "David, you may want to give your balls a squeeze now!" wasn't quite what I thought she meant :-) How we laughed, her longer than I as I had a catheter and treatment going on whilst trying not to laugh too much. I remember explaining to one of the Urology Nurses that I felt certain that she had probably seen and handled my "wedding equipment" more times than my wife - well I'd find that a funny thing to say!
However, as I said, you probably need to be in the situation to get the joke. I managed to wear my "I'm Not Dead Yet!" T-Shirt last week as I found it again after it had got its way to the far end of the wardrobe... Not everyone gets it of course.
It might be a Cancer survivors thing, we are allowed to laugh amongst ourselves and you can join the club if you've had cancer because you know that your doing it for the right reasons. I saw someone try and do it who had no link whatsoever and frankly it fell flat and wasn't funny. I don't suppose their audience actually got it either - you have to "do it right". Anyway, Steve hit the nail on the head with this post and whilst it sounds strange that something as bizarre as having BCG shoved into your bladder may appear funny. To those of us that have had it done, you have to take every opportunity to "joke your way through".
Consider my episodes and a few of the one-liners that happened. I take a pair of stress balls into the room so that I can concentrate on squeezing the hell out of those and keeping my arms and body still whilst they stick a catheter into me. Of course, your exposed from the waist down to do this and "David, you may want to give your balls a squeeze now!" wasn't quite what I thought she meant :-) How we laughed, her longer than I as I had a catheter and treatment going on whilst trying not to laugh too much. I remember explaining to one of the Urology Nurses that I felt certain that she had probably seen and handled my "wedding equipment" more times than my wife - well I'd find that a funny thing to say!
However, as I said, you probably need to be in the situation to get the joke. I managed to wear my "I'm Not Dead Yet!" T-Shirt last week as I found it again after it had got its way to the far end of the wardrobe... Not everyone gets it of course.
That's two weeks (or is it three)
Without exercise and I need to do something about that now. I've done nothing but work and so I've kept weight down through burning off through my own single mindedness here at the PC.
I need to do something about that - I've not put on any weight but neither have I lost any either. I want to lose some more and I'm only going to do that by burning off the excess. I still run my diet pretty much as it has been going and fruit, low fat foods and lots of fish etc are my main diet along with soup and no bread. Maintaining the weight is OK but I need to push to get back on track.
I'm the same weight as I was last week and for the past 3 weeks 223 Lbs.
I need to do something about that - I've not put on any weight but neither have I lost any either. I want to lose some more and I'm only going to do that by burning off the excess. I still run my diet pretty much as it has been going and fruit, low fat foods and lots of fish etc are my main diet along with soup and no bread. Maintaining the weight is OK but I need to push to get back on track.
I'm the same weight as I was last week and for the past 3 weeks 223 Lbs.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Saturday - Work Day
I know - I said I wouldn't but we needed to do some tidying up, needed to knock out some eBay stuff, tidy my room, try and sort out if anyone wants this stuff on Freecycle and do some Lodge Treasurer's business too.
The day has shot by and now I'm getting my Kindle in a couple of weeks I have started to arrange my eBooks into some sort of order. I know where everything is but I've never catalogued them so I've been trying to do that and watching my PC crash with alarming regularity today. The worst day's work I ever did was upgrading to Office 2007 - it just seems to be unstable all the time and do what it wants not what I ask. I ran some diagnostics and repairs late this afternoon so fingers crossed it will be OK.
My business partner has just sent over the rushes for our new web site - they are great. Really impressed with his work - as always - he has a very good grasp of technology and can really bring things together. It was really exciting seeing it for the first time.
I need to do some resting tomorrow. It is MotoGP in Spain so that will give me a reason to sit on my backside after lunch and spend an hour or two just relaxing. Let's hope there isn't a repeat of the fatality of 2 weeks ago to one of the young riders.
The day has shot by and now I'm getting my Kindle in a couple of weeks I have started to arrange my eBooks into some sort of order. I know where everything is but I've never catalogued them so I've been trying to do that and watching my PC crash with alarming regularity today. The worst day's work I ever did was upgrading to Office 2007 - it just seems to be unstable all the time and do what it wants not what I ask. I ran some diagnostics and repairs late this afternoon so fingers crossed it will be OK.
My business partner has just sent over the rushes for our new web site - they are great. Really impressed with his work - as always - he has a very good grasp of technology and can really bring things together. It was really exciting seeing it for the first time.
I need to do some resting tomorrow. It is MotoGP in Spain so that will give me a reason to sit on my backside after lunch and spend an hour or two just relaxing. Let's hope there isn't a repeat of the fatality of 2 weeks ago to one of the young riders.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Cracking Day
What a good day I've just had - the trouble is I can hardly stop working. I tried but the TV programmes are pants tonight. Maybe I should go and grab a DVD and watch that? That might do it and stop me working at this sort of speed...
Yes - I've completed the major document and I've got quite a bit done today so ought to go and relax a bit.
Yes - I've completed the major document and I've got quite a bit done today so ought to go and relax a bit.
More Nuts
Brazil nuts that is?
Another report linking selenium to positive benefits for Bladder Cancer Sufferers HERE. I already have Brazil nuts whenever I can - not sure if I have any Sunflower seeds here - plenty of Pumpkin seeds and pine nuts but will need to see what else I have around the house.
Another report linking selenium to positive benefits for Bladder Cancer Sufferers HERE. I already have Brazil nuts whenever I can - not sure if I have any Sunflower seeds here - plenty of Pumpkin seeds and pine nuts but will need to see what else I have around the house.
New Day - Optimistic Cheerful Start
Good morning - feeling really chipper this morning, really upbeat and thoroughly enthusiastic and go ahead. Can only put that down to a number of milestones. I finished off a major piece of work last night and issued it to the committee, the wiki is completed and looking great and in just 6 months things have really come together. I know I was glum after they'd pulled my original document to pieces and lost all the formatting but now it looks great (even if I say so myself). There is something really satisfying about a job well done and I'm really pleased with it. It probably doesn't mean anything to anyone outside of Freemasonry but it is to do with raising money for the charities and is a manual about how to plan and execute a Festival.
The new business has started to become even more of a reality with its logo and artwork, web site, business letterhead, business cards etc getting nearer to being finished. We only await out "copy" of our 30 and 60 second drill, 2 minute picth and conversation piece to complete the picture (we are unable to currently describe what we do in simple layman's terms due to its complexity)
The sun is shining, the sky is blue, it's Friday, I'm healthy, I haven't put on any weight this week, in fact it looks like I may have lost a little bit and everything is well with the world.
In the US, Steve, who has been clear now for 27 months will commence his set of three BCG treatments for maintenance today. Steve makes me smile too, always has done, with the great super hero title of BioHazard Man :-). I'm sure we all wish him well and for there to be as little side effects as possible.
Yes - things look and feel good. I hope that I keep this happy for as long as possible!
The new business has started to become even more of a reality with its logo and artwork, web site, business letterhead, business cards etc getting nearer to being finished. We only await out "copy" of our 30 and 60 second drill, 2 minute picth and conversation piece to complete the picture (we are unable to currently describe what we do in simple layman's terms due to its complexity)
The sun is shining, the sky is blue, it's Friday, I'm healthy, I haven't put on any weight this week, in fact it looks like I may have lost a little bit and everything is well with the world.
In the US, Steve, who has been clear now for 27 months will commence his set of three BCG treatments for maintenance today. Steve makes me smile too, always has done, with the great super hero title of BioHazard Man :-). I'm sure we all wish him well and for there to be as little side effects as possible.
Yes - things look and feel good. I hope that I keep this happy for as long as possible!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
A Reminder to 4 years ago
Today we got our graphic designer in to start our branding exercise. We did a bit of reminiscing as I haven't seen him since just before I went in to have my operation - I kind of knew what it was. He was interested to see how I had got on because and I quote:-
"you were sh*****g yourself last time I saw you. You were in a right old mess!"
Well on reflection he wasn't wrong - I knew I was pretty ill and it was 2 days before my flexible cystoscopy which actually diagnosed it and in less than a week I had the operation. I've corresponded with him since but it was only today that we met up again.
I'm looking forward to working with him as he is really creative and I hope that his work gets us moving forward as a business - we need to start to get some traction and this is the first real step.
"you were sh*****g yourself last time I saw you. You were in a right old mess!"
Well on reflection he wasn't wrong - I knew I was pretty ill and it was 2 days before my flexible cystoscopy which actually diagnosed it and in less than a week I had the operation. I've corresponded with him since but it was only today that we met up again.
I'm looking forward to working with him as he is really creative and I hope that his work gets us moving forward as a business - we need to start to get some traction and this is the first real step.
Didn't go
Well I didn't go and have mixed feelings but I am certain that it is the right decision not to for my own well being rather than anything else.
Met a nice chap last night who seems interested in joining Freemasonry and so had a long chat about it and it was nice to hear someone who finds modern life throws up challenges and was looking for something different which we certainly are. Left him to go take on board all we said about it and see how he feels later - no pressure on him - he can think it through with all the facts.
He was harking on about how petty people can be. A bit like I wonder how or why anyone would want to find my insignificant little blog and then post a spam message on the comment field knowing full well that I would probably kill it off. I'm amazed that people actually spend their time on forums trolling and baiting people and if I'm not mistaken, I'd consider that there is some sort of industrial espionage going on on some of these public discussion sites. I'm looking into an Amazon discussion board having just ordered a Kindle ereader. The discussions are generally quite readable and interesting and then every now and again you can see something that is blatantly wrong. I thought one about some person buying one and losing their eyesight was so bizarre and stupid that everyone would realise it was a troll baiting the group. It was obvious to me that it was someone paid by or employed by a competitor firing off bile in order to rubbish the product. Rather than everyone ignoring it or reporting it they gave it credence by answering it.
So what is my point I hear you ask? Well if these people are acting alone what on earth can their sad little lives be like? If they are getting paid for it, it is a sad indictment on society that anyone should be employing shoddy dirty tricks like this.
I went in to one of my old email accounts yesterday as I hadn't received any emails for some time. A "new improved spam system" meant that many of my emails were locked into the close to 3,600 emails I found in there!! It would have been nice of them to tell me...
Rant over for this morning.
Met a nice chap last night who seems interested in joining Freemasonry and so had a long chat about it and it was nice to hear someone who finds modern life throws up challenges and was looking for something different which we certainly are. Left him to go take on board all we said about it and see how he feels later - no pressure on him - he can think it through with all the facts.
He was harking on about how petty people can be. A bit like I wonder how or why anyone would want to find my insignificant little blog and then post a spam message on the comment field knowing full well that I would probably kill it off. I'm amazed that people actually spend their time on forums trolling and baiting people and if I'm not mistaken, I'd consider that there is some sort of industrial espionage going on on some of these public discussion sites. I'm looking into an Amazon discussion board having just ordered a Kindle ereader. The discussions are generally quite readable and interesting and then every now and again you can see something that is blatantly wrong. I thought one about some person buying one and losing their eyesight was so bizarre and stupid that everyone would realise it was a troll baiting the group. It was obvious to me that it was someone paid by or employed by a competitor firing off bile in order to rubbish the product. Rather than everyone ignoring it or reporting it they gave it credence by answering it.
So what is my point I hear you ask? Well if these people are acting alone what on earth can their sad little lives be like? If they are getting paid for it, it is a sad indictment on society that anyone should be employing shoddy dirty tricks like this.
I went in to one of my old email accounts yesterday as I hadn't received any emails for some time. A "new improved spam system" meant that many of my emails were locked into the close to 3,600 emails I found in there!! It would have been nice of them to tell me...
Rant over for this morning.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Turning to whether to attend the funeral or not
Tomorrow - well in a way that has all been taken away as our graphics man is turning up tomorrow to do our logos etc. I was talking to a friend of mine today who Flocky Bicep and I bumped into outside Costa Coffee. I was saying how I really don't like attending funerals and I'm not sure that I'm properly equipped. Indeed I heard another of our members died last night at his computer of all things. The medics say he passed away peacefully just sat at his desk.
Both of these guys were quite old (late 80s and 90s) so it is to be expected, they weren't tragic deaths, sad but not due to something other than old age and nature.
However, I think there is always a reminder to me of what I stared at 4 years and 2 months ago. I don't think it is a "fear" of death as such but the fact that you stared into the jaws and pulled back out. It just gets me inward looking and why go there if you don't have to? Both guys will have a god send off - so many people will be there and not having me there won't matter a jot.
Anyway - I didn't even enjoy writing that. I can't easily explain it but I just feel it in the pit of stomach and I'd just be pants at trying to keep it all together - I'd probably be grieving for myself psychologically!
I sound all screwed up and yet I don't think I actually am....
Both of these guys were quite old (late 80s and 90s) so it is to be expected, they weren't tragic deaths, sad but not due to something other than old age and nature.
However, I think there is always a reminder to me of what I stared at 4 years and 2 months ago. I don't think it is a "fear" of death as such but the fact that you stared into the jaws and pulled back out. It just gets me inward looking and why go there if you don't have to? Both guys will have a god send off - so many people will be there and not having me there won't matter a jot.
Anyway - I didn't even enjoy writing that. I can't easily explain it but I just feel it in the pit of stomach and I'd just be pants at trying to keep it all together - I'd probably be grieving for myself psychologically!
I sound all screwed up and yet I don't think I actually am....
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Determined, Angry, Driven
I am really in the driving seat this week. I found the jerk I met last week gave me the necessary energy and strength to kick some butt this week and I made huge progress in some key business areas.
I wish I could bottle all this energy and store it - somehow it drives me on and on and makes me work late and won't let me stop even though I'm tired. I just have lots of drive but I am acutely aware that I have little long term stamina to keep this level of effort up for more than a few weeks!
I need to be very careful about the effort I'm expending. It is all well and good putting this in but I must be aware that I'm not yet fully fit to endure it. I need to work out a reality check point to make sure that I don't overdo it as I am doing right now at close to midnight having been up since 7:30 and working since 8!!!!
Note to self: You know you are doing it - stop when your body tells you to and not when your brain thinks it should. You KNOW it makes sense :-)
I wish I could bottle all this energy and store it - somehow it drives me on and on and makes me work late and won't let me stop even though I'm tired. I just have lots of drive but I am acutely aware that I have little long term stamina to keep this level of effort up for more than a few weeks!
I need to be very careful about the effort I'm expending. It is all well and good putting this in but I must be aware that I'm not yet fully fit to endure it. I need to work out a reality check point to make sure that I don't overdo it as I am doing right now at close to midnight having been up since 7:30 and working since 8!!!!
Note to self: You know you are doing it - stop when your body tells you to and not when your brain thinks it should. You KNOW it makes sense :-)
Monday, September 13, 2010
A Difficult Decision
A friend died last week and the funeral is this Thursday. I knew him well enough to enjoy his company and I hope he enjoyed mine. We laughed and swapped stories and he was the most interesting of men. He had been treated by the same consultant as me - as I said last week he made me laugh calling her the "Willy Doctor".
I was corresponding with a friend of mine today and suddenly I found myself backing away from wanting to go to the funeral. I've been to a number but only one or two since I've been ill. One was dreadful, my friend's young still born son - I can't even tell you how messed up I felt about that especially as his other kids were around the grave etc. I can only though say that I've found myself backing out of this as I'm not certain that I can actually last the course. A lot of people will be there, he was a very popular figure and I'm sure the place will be rammed full of people. I'm not sure I'd actually be good in a crowded place either come to think of it.
I've been having some terrible dreams both waking and sleeping ones and bad thoughts again these past few weeks. Had some horrible ones about things happening to my kids too. Probably just the normal sorts of things but I've been really funny about things and whilst I can only guess this is the old post traumatic cancer fatigue stuff clicking in again, it does come in waves like this, something sets you off. Your subconscious is a powerful thing and you programme it at your peril.
I can't imagine that going on Thursday will do me any good whatsoever and I suppose in the overall scheme of things it shouldn't but I feel bad not going but know I'd regret going there the way I am.
Actually I've never liked graveyards - ask my mum! Ever since her father's grave stone fell on her leg :-) No really it did!! Also when I was a young Chorister - I had just sung Faure's Requiem Mass with the Choir at Rye Church (someone called it a Cathedral but I doubt it was) - at the interval there was the most enormous thunderstorm and just outside the vestry door in the lightining and thunder was an old flat gravestone with bubbles coming up from it where a puddle had formed over the top. Spooky :-) :-)
I really can't attribute either to my not liking funerals - I mean who likes them? But more so now I tend to get quite overcome with it all and the things is that in the last 4 years or so, death actually does have a different connotation for me than it did before. I'm not saying I stared it in the face but I think I gave it some serious contemplation and was pretty much respectful of the fact that it may be one of my options. I think I talked about walking along a path with many signposts and seeing which one to take. Realising that perhaps it didn't matter which one you took as they may all lead to one destination (which of course is the inevitable journey's end). But then there were other paths and at that time, really early on, I had no idea which one and its branches I'd be travelling along. It's a bit like a giant game of snakes and ladders but sometimes you can make your own luck or get to choose the numbers on the dice to miss the snakes, but not always.
Anyway - that's enough rambling on. I don't think I will go even though a bit of me says I should. If I don't feel up to it mentally what am I trying to prove? I might try and get a moment to myself and perhaps walk up to the local church and have a bit of quiet time and see if that will work it out for me.
I was corresponding with a friend of mine today and suddenly I found myself backing away from wanting to go to the funeral. I've been to a number but only one or two since I've been ill. One was dreadful, my friend's young still born son - I can't even tell you how messed up I felt about that especially as his other kids were around the grave etc. I can only though say that I've found myself backing out of this as I'm not certain that I can actually last the course. A lot of people will be there, he was a very popular figure and I'm sure the place will be rammed full of people. I'm not sure I'd actually be good in a crowded place either come to think of it.
I've been having some terrible dreams both waking and sleeping ones and bad thoughts again these past few weeks. Had some horrible ones about things happening to my kids too. Probably just the normal sorts of things but I've been really funny about things and whilst I can only guess this is the old post traumatic cancer fatigue stuff clicking in again, it does come in waves like this, something sets you off. Your subconscious is a powerful thing and you programme it at your peril.
I can't imagine that going on Thursday will do me any good whatsoever and I suppose in the overall scheme of things it shouldn't but I feel bad not going but know I'd regret going there the way I am.
Actually I've never liked graveyards - ask my mum! Ever since her father's grave stone fell on her leg :-) No really it did!! Also when I was a young Chorister - I had just sung Faure's Requiem Mass with the Choir at Rye Church (someone called it a Cathedral but I doubt it was) - at the interval there was the most enormous thunderstorm and just outside the vestry door in the lightining and thunder was an old flat gravestone with bubbles coming up from it where a puddle had formed over the top. Spooky :-) :-)
I really can't attribute either to my not liking funerals - I mean who likes them? But more so now I tend to get quite overcome with it all and the things is that in the last 4 years or so, death actually does have a different connotation for me than it did before. I'm not saying I stared it in the face but I think I gave it some serious contemplation and was pretty much respectful of the fact that it may be one of my options. I think I talked about walking along a path with many signposts and seeing which one to take. Realising that perhaps it didn't matter which one you took as they may all lead to one destination (which of course is the inevitable journey's end). But then there were other paths and at that time, really early on, I had no idea which one and its branches I'd be travelling along. It's a bit like a giant game of snakes and ladders but sometimes you can make your own luck or get to choose the numbers on the dice to miss the snakes, but not always.
Anyway - that's enough rambling on. I don't think I will go even though a bit of me says I should. If I don't feel up to it mentally what am I trying to prove? I might try and get a moment to myself and perhaps walk up to the local church and have a bit of quiet time and see if that will work it out for me.
System Crashes
What the hell is wrong with software today - three crashes this morning and all whilst I was doing important work too. Word even managed to save my file with nothing in it at all..... What a pants piece of software that is.
I have made a concious effort to get a run at the work I have been drafting for weeks in mindmaps and scraps of paper only to have half a morning's work wiped out through some software glitch. It really is annoying as I now have to do that all over again and I was in a great flow, now I'm just angry and frustrated - not the way I want to be when trying to do some serious business documents.
It feels like a conspiracy because both PCs are playing at it today.
I've been Giving some thought to the post I made about how you feel about coming through the dark periods and things continually getting better but with an ever present threat (Clear and Imminent Danger) of a recurrence of your Cancer. There's a completely new level of stress that exists that I'm aware of and I've never really said much about it. This Cancer is different because whilst you may not have it, you are still constantly observed because it can come back. That to me really is the crux of this. Every time you go see your Specialist there is the very real chance that they'll tell you your Cancer is back. Whilst that diminishes (The Law of Diminishing Returns maybe) it is still there every time you go and see them.
I have made a concious effort to get a run at the work I have been drafting for weeks in mindmaps and scraps of paper only to have half a morning's work wiped out through some software glitch. It really is annoying as I now have to do that all over again and I was in a great flow, now I'm just angry and frustrated - not the way I want to be when trying to do some serious business documents.
It feels like a conspiracy because both PCs are playing at it today.
I've been Giving some thought to the post I made about how you feel about coming through the dark periods and things continually getting better but with an ever present threat (Clear and Imminent Danger) of a recurrence of your Cancer. There's a completely new level of stress that exists that I'm aware of and I've never really said much about it. This Cancer is different because whilst you may not have it, you are still constantly observed because it can come back. That to me really is the crux of this. Every time you go see your Specialist there is the very real chance that they'll tell you your Cancer is back. Whilst that diminishes (The Law of Diminishing Returns maybe) it is still there every time you go and see them.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Static Weight
For the third week in a row I am static on the weight loss although I reckon that I should be a couple of pounds lighter as my trousers are noticeably slipping off me these days.
223 Pounds but that is after breakfast as I forgot to go and weigh myself before which I normally do. So perhaps a little less. This week I noticed how much I lost as on Friday I went out and could actually comfortably fit inside my waistcoat - which I haven't been able to wear for well over a year and my trousers of my morning suit were loose too. My jacket could actually be done up as well.
I was most impressed with that! Winning a huge tin of chocolates in the raffle has inserted temptation into the household but I know they will be eaten by the chocolate fairy when I'm not looking so I will get away with just one or two before the tin is empty. I realise that for 2 weeks I haven't actually exercised and I need to get back into the habit again. That's pretty important as I must break the cycle of working into the early hours of the morning. It is a reaction to knowing I have to start really pulling all my research together and getting stuff documented and 3 months in - now is the time to get things really motoring.
However, I need to balance that with exercise and although I am still feeling good and eating well, I need to tackle getting another stone off my weight and sitting on my backside isn't going to do that!
223 Pounds but that is after breakfast as I forgot to go and weigh myself before which I normally do. So perhaps a little less. This week I noticed how much I lost as on Friday I went out and could actually comfortably fit inside my waistcoat - which I haven't been able to wear for well over a year and my trousers of my morning suit were loose too. My jacket could actually be done up as well.
I was most impressed with that! Winning a huge tin of chocolates in the raffle has inserted temptation into the household but I know they will be eaten by the chocolate fairy when I'm not looking so I will get away with just one or two before the tin is empty. I realise that for 2 weeks I haven't actually exercised and I need to get back into the habit again. That's pretty important as I must break the cycle of working into the early hours of the morning. It is a reaction to knowing I have to start really pulling all my research together and getting stuff documented and 3 months in - now is the time to get things really motoring.
However, I need to balance that with exercise and although I am still feeling good and eating well, I need to tackle getting another stone off my weight and sitting on my backside isn't going to do that!
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Messing with your brain
I'm struck with the fact that I'm in a good position at the moment and probably wont need to be examined until December or January. I'm also feeling a lot better about myself especially because I have finished having to have operations that knock me about and also that affect my mobility.
I do however get some horrid thoughts occasionally and not all my dreams are nice. The worst stuff is actually not to do directly with me as such. I think I have pretty much resigned myself to whatever cards I am going to be dealt with now. I am wary that I am clear at the moment but that there is a distinct possibility that my cancer will recur. No it isn't that and it isn't the fact that it may be more severe as there is also a way out of that. I do worry if it does recur that I will have to have more operations and more treatments and these are challenging things without doubt.
I tend to be more concerned about or dream or think about how other people think about me and the way I am. For example some people don't "get it" that I am funding myself to try and get this venture off of the ground. They probably see a massive risk and yet I don't see that. I see that it is doing something that needs to be done, a journey that needs to be taken and a challenge that needs to be set and tested. If it goes wrong and doesn't work then I will have at least given it a go and will have some regret if it doesn't work but it wont be the end of the world as we know it.
In working for the charity for the last 2 and a bit years, I've satisfied some part of me that needed to give something back. I have no idea if it runs as deep as being thankful for being alive or it was a survival mechanism realising that I wasn't fit enough to return to the high octane life I led before cancer.
I also get some very dark and nasty stuff going on in my brain about how things will turn out. I see some disintegration of my current way of life. In a way, there's a willingness to perhaps chuck it all in and go live somewhere with a simple life, doing simple everyday things and just enjoying life. The trouble is that perhaps only I would be the person wanting to do that. Ambition is still there and the want to do things but there is also a nagging to drop everything I'm involved in and just go on and enjoy my life, in my way and satisfy myself. I doubt that would happen though but never say never.
I do however get some horrid thoughts occasionally and not all my dreams are nice. The worst stuff is actually not to do directly with me as such. I think I have pretty much resigned myself to whatever cards I am going to be dealt with now. I am wary that I am clear at the moment but that there is a distinct possibility that my cancer will recur. No it isn't that and it isn't the fact that it may be more severe as there is also a way out of that. I do worry if it does recur that I will have to have more operations and more treatments and these are challenging things without doubt.
I tend to be more concerned about or dream or think about how other people think about me and the way I am. For example some people don't "get it" that I am funding myself to try and get this venture off of the ground. They probably see a massive risk and yet I don't see that. I see that it is doing something that needs to be done, a journey that needs to be taken and a challenge that needs to be set and tested. If it goes wrong and doesn't work then I will have at least given it a go and will have some regret if it doesn't work but it wont be the end of the world as we know it.
In working for the charity for the last 2 and a bit years, I've satisfied some part of me that needed to give something back. I have no idea if it runs as deep as being thankful for being alive or it was a survival mechanism realising that I wasn't fit enough to return to the high octane life I led before cancer.
I also get some very dark and nasty stuff going on in my brain about how things will turn out. I see some disintegration of my current way of life. In a way, there's a willingness to perhaps chuck it all in and go live somewhere with a simple life, doing simple everyday things and just enjoying life. The trouble is that perhaps only I would be the person wanting to do that. Ambition is still there and the want to do things but there is also a nagging to drop everything I'm involved in and just go on and enjoy my life, in my way and satisfy myself. I doubt that would happen though but never say never.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Off out for the afternoon and evening
It is the first meeting of the season for me and I am off with Flocky Bicep to Surrey where we are guests of one of the Lodges there. I'm no longer an official guest but got an invite "for old times sake" which is nice. I am looking forward to it as there is a re-enactment of a 1795 ceremony and I haven't seen one of those in years.
On a down note, an old friend died on Tuesday night and we just heard today. He was in his 90s and I've known him for about 25 years. He was the one who coined the phrase about my Consultant (whom he was also variously under treatment for various things) as the "Willy Doctor". He was a gentle man a real one, the type you don't meet very often. He was active right up until last year. I am quite proud being appointed as his successor as Chaplain of two of the Lodges he was Chaplain for after he became ill. It is a sad day for everyone who knew him. He had a long and fulfilling life and I'm lucky to have known him.
I have no doubt that his funeral next week will be over subscribed.
Did I get to bed early last night? No of course not there was bound to be something that kept me up!! When will I ever learn. At least tonight I should be able to get home and just go to bed... That's the plan.
On a down note, an old friend died on Tuesday night and we just heard today. He was in his 90s and I've known him for about 25 years. He was the one who coined the phrase about my Consultant (whom he was also variously under treatment for various things) as the "Willy Doctor". He was a gentle man a real one, the type you don't meet very often. He was active right up until last year. I am quite proud being appointed as his successor as Chaplain of two of the Lodges he was Chaplain for after he became ill. It is a sad day for everyone who knew him. He had a long and fulfilling life and I'm lucky to have known him.
I have no doubt that his funeral next week will be over subscribed.
Did I get to bed early last night? No of course not there was bound to be something that kept me up!! When will I ever learn. At least tonight I should be able to get home and just go to bed... That's the plan.
Thursday, September 09, 2010
Great News from Across the Pond
Indeed great news as Steve K has had a further clear following a flexible scope and now has a further 3 BCG Immunotherapy sessions to come starting next week on a weekly basis.
The anxiety you go through just before these regular check ups is difficult to describe. The last thing you want to hear is you've had a recurrence - even a little one like mine! So it continues to be good news and I'm delighted for him as possibly only a fellow sufferer can be. you wouldn't wish it onto anyone else.
I have decided that I WILL GO TO BED EARLY tonight. I need to stop my brain spinning with all this business stuff somehow.
The anxiety you go through just before these regular check ups is difficult to describe. The last thing you want to hear is you've had a recurrence - even a little one like mine! So it continues to be good news and I'm delighted for him as possibly only a fellow sufferer can be. you wouldn't wish it onto anyone else.
I have decided that I WILL GO TO BED EARLY tonight. I need to stop my brain spinning with all this business stuff somehow.
Must stop doing the night shift
I ended up getting to bed at 1:45 in the morning such was the need to get on and do more research on what this guy had said to me yesterday. As it was I think we realised that this guy was one of those "corporate" types who had a lot of senior level experience and who used an almost intimidatory manner to talk down to people.
He will not feature in our team as their is no "I" in team etc. Certainly both of us coming from Cororate backgrounds (which he knew) didn't take to him at all.
Anyway, it made me do some reality checks which is no bad thing I suppose.
I'm off out tomorrow to my first Masonic meeting of the new season. It should be nice I hope to get out and about and not to be doing anything this year! well apart from being the Treasurer that is.
He will not feature in our team as their is no "I" in team etc. Certainly both of us coming from Cororate backgrounds (which he knew) didn't take to him at all.
Anyway, it made me do some reality checks which is no bad thing I suppose.
I'm off out tomorrow to my first Masonic meeting of the new season. It should be nice I hope to get out and about and not to be doing anything this year! well apart from being the Treasurer that is.
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