No it can't be

Yes it is it is 1:25 in the morning and I can't work out why that should be? Then I realised I was watching a channel that was +1 on TV meaning that I started it an hour later. Oh nuts...

Oh well, that will be why my feet are cold then. Tomorrow (well later today) I need to get ready for Scotland on Friday morning. I am still sat here at my computer thrashing away. Had a good day today and the web site is agreed and ready to roll out. That will be by the end of the week.

Suddenly lots of the business and the plans are coming together in my head and I really could have done with just spending the weekend writing them up. However, Scotland beckons and we are due lots of snow just for the hell of it so instead of going up in my friends rather swish Mercedes Grand Tourer we are going to go up in the Jeep instead. Not sure what that will be like but we shall see no doubt....

London - Hate It

It has lost much of its appeal for me these days although Covent Garden looked fantastic, they have huge tree baubles hanging from the roof - they must be 20 foot across. Amazing.

Work was as insanely pickey as I remember it being from the last time I was there and somehow things were more distant than they have been for some time. Maybe it is all wearing a bit thin now? Anyway, I have some work to do on the site - phew, lots of work, the number of changes are substantial for me although they are minor in nature it is still quite an undertaking which will keep me busy through December and January.

The Web site is completed and we now just need the files and we can upload them and hey presto, we will be up and running - I hope.

It is late

I really should be in bed but for some reason, best known to myself, I am wide awake. Had some amazing dreams last night, real Sci-Fi stuff and how on earth the brain can deliver Blu-Ray quality images as good as that I have no idea, it was fantastic, with huge machines coming down out of the ceiling and stuff moving about everywhere, bright chrome and metallic stuff everywhere, sound, colour the lot - and then the phone went!!!

So stuck wide awake now - really getting buzzy about the website which is all but finished, a few bits of code to go in to finalise things and there we go. If I say it myself, I am pleased with the results. I hate my photo but then I hate my photo, my voice and everything else about me - I don't know why but I do dislike seeing myself and hearing my voice on tape or film throws me every time. No one else complains so I suppose other people see me differently.

Now all I want is the web site active, the email set up properly and away I go as it then starts to get really interesting.

I am off to work in about 5 hours time!!!! Back up to London to finalise the Wiki and the documents I have been working on all year. This will give me some money prior to and just after Christmas which will be nice to have. I can't see investment being available until Easter next year at the earliest!

I'm feeling self assured about my visit to the Hospital as a few weeks before then I will have a tooth extracted and having just gone through Root Canal treatment, I can only imagine that having a flexi a few weeks later will just be a doddle...

Well - I suppose I ought to go to bed now or suffer the indignation of falling asleep in a meeting (not for the first time I hasten to add!!!!) :-)

What time is it?

Or something like that I said as at 7am this morning my friend called me "Did you ring me" he asked. "No" I said dozily. "Oh well, sorry to disturb you, bye."

So I was up and I really could have done with the sleep if the truth be known!

Anyway that was a rude old start to the morning :-) SO I got up and started work early - I will be looking forward to my bed tonight though.

Some good news is that Steve Kelley's Blog has just got an award (see below). So congratulations to Steve on that - it is excellent news.


Today I managed to get really cracking on some work at last. The Web Site has been finalised over the weekend and should be ready to go up and be hosted in a few days time. It has been a long hard road and so disruptive and instructive all at the same time. My business partner and I knew there would be times like this. Indeed, this is one of those times where we are just coming down from a really high point caused mainly through the chaos and stress that the creative process has put us through. You see we are methodical process driven people who work through things and get stuff done in a planned and organised way and we drive through our workload without a problem when we get moving properly.

I hope that I'll be able to publish the web site this week before I go to Scotland that is.

Well it was 2 am

When I eventually got everyone home and then drove myself home. All was OK until a friend rang at 9 this morning. I needed that - Not!

Next week going to Scotland will be nice - apparently that is some event, it sounded a bit frightening to me. We get there around about lunchtime and the advice is - go to bed and get a few hours sleep then they go out and do many hours drinking and enjoying themselves. Then they get back in time to get a few hours sleep and have brunch! Then the real thing kicks off.

I feel my Liver giving way already. :-)

A quiet day today - it will all kick off again tomorrow when we get back to work....

Nitty Gritty

The web site getting launched is like pulling teeth, an absolute nightmare at the moment as it doesn't get any easier to finalise. It looks OK now but there are some areas that need improvement but the Designer/Developer is giving us a hard time over it. A bit of a shame really as you'd have expected that one review and changes would be included!

Anyway, I am sure that a "chat" on Monday will resolve that and we can at last put the site out there, live. There is so much work still to do but I managed to get the research polished off for the background of the Business Plan. A few more weeks and it will be Christmas and I will be working flat out getting letters and cards written. I hope to "encourage" all my friends to look at the website and also to fill in my questionnaire too so that I can have a file of evidence on what people want from what we are doing.

I am off out today, doing the driving for my friend and his son, as I did a year ago. It seems only fair as he is driving me to Scotland and back next week. I shall be abstaining from drinking which is no bad thing given that these guys will have their meeting, a nice meal and then they will repair to the Conservative Club and drink anything less than conservatively :-) At least I can run them home and then get back to my bed - last time it was 1:30 or 2 in the morning!

I don't even want to think what it will be like next week!

Attitude

I had a thought tonight walking back to the house after a nice Curry and a few beers with Flocky Bicep and a potential member of our Lodge. The thought I had came from meeting an old friend who's Brother-In-Law has cancer - non Hodgkinsons Lymphoma type - and is receiving a good old thwack of chemo for his troubles.

His attitude - is - well, resigned and dour and this, in my humble opinion (and his) is not the way to tackle this. OF COURSE, it isn't easy to face up to it and OF COURSE it isn't nice and OF COURSE it knocks you about a bit but the very last thing you need to do is to take a negative attitude to it or to have a resigned attitude.

In my mind I firmly believe that Cancer made me a much better person. Many people have alluded to this quite assured and almost arrogant person they knew before the cancer to someone who has a real empathy with people - especially those in a similar situation. Cancer took me from being one sort of person to another. I explained to my friend about how things were really good for me at the moment. Whilst life wasn't straightforward any-more it was so much better, I also laughed about my "I'm Not Dead Yet" Monty Python Tee Shirt. It's all about attitude, I'm convinced that if you want to "roll over and give up" that you will get your wish. I was determined to beat this and to show everyone else that there was no shame in having cancer, that it wasn't something to be scared of and that you can get on with your life and continue as long as you had the will and the humour to do so!

I feel sorry for the guy with the wrong attitude. You have to make up your mind to battle away with what you've got or have a laugh trying.

Cancer changed my life and "made me" what I am today. That's no bad thing.

Spotify and WE7

Amazing you can get your favourite music piped to your desk these days. I've been able to rediscover lots of music and just set up play lists and listen when I want. If I don't like a track I can skip it.

Its interesting that technology can do this for us. The team are over here today. My business partner hasn't been terribly well this week so we have slipped a bit. We hope to get the website sorted out pretty fast as it should have been live this week. Our emails are working though which is cool.

I'm having to reload lots of software and that's bringing its own fraught moments as I am having to muck around just to get this new laptop to see the network - the arrogance of the business that released something that just doesn't work properly. I hope we never do that.

Relaxed about things - and then again

Last night was a difficult sleep night. I can only put it down to getting the letter to go in for the flexible cystoscopy. Yet, I know there isn't much I can do about it or about the outcome and I actually feel quite OK about it. I realise that it is one of those things that I have to do regularly and if it is good news then Christmas will be that much better.

You get to know straight away which is pretty impressive (one way or the other) and I suppose that for that I should be grateful. I think I should be OK and Mrs. F. says she is around that day so once I get "done" she can come and pick me up. I might ask her to drop me off so I can find the place first - it is the local Hospital. I must also remember that I need to do a urine cytology sample a few weeks before hand too.

I think, given the fact that I've had one of these before and I've had numerous BCG instillations that I'll be OK. It is all pretty much over and done with quickly and so it is just the stinging that I need to deal with. I have a strategy for that and agreed that with my Consultant and that is to arrive with a bottle of water and some pain killers and take those as I arrive about 15 minutes before the procedure. Hopefully that will help sort things out.

Scopes Away

14th December in the morning for my flexible Cystoscopy - late morning so I'll have a good chance to hydrate ready for it and as long as I thwack back a few pain killers early on I should be OK - although having said that of course it may be different to the first one of these I had. I imagine that I shouldn't get the stinging I got first time. Famous last words indeed. I think the family are off to see the Nutcracker that day. It somehow seems appropriate :-)

Let it all out

It was an interesting comment, chatting to a friend who just went in to melt down, middle of a restaurant. Luckily his mates were with him and the waiter got turned away as did other helpful people in a nice way of course. It was interesting as I also read about someone not knowing what to do whether to laugh or cry and I can fully understand that - almost a daily occurrence things just set you off or trigger responses.

I was never receptive to these things before. With today's full on internet information you get a lot more stimuli than before and somehow I'm more connected to the news and people's experiences than I ever used to be which I fully attribute to the realisation of my own mortality.

Someone did say that your whole body goes out of tune and out of equilibrium, your natural balance of hormones just get out of sync. Your ability to call on reserves such as adrenalin for flight or fight situations often calls on reserves that are almost empty or are empty. Whether that is so or not, I'm not sure but I often have these moments, several times a day where I stop myself getting involved too deeply into something that will result in me feeling bad or make me get emotionally involved.

I'm sure there is something about this somewhere - there was certainly some stuff in the Post Cancer Fatigue document I read but in this country we treat the symptoms and are beginning to look at the cause but no one thinks too hard about the emotional wreckage that Cancer leaves behind for you and your friends and family. Interestingly MacMillan are doing something in their survivor programme. Learning to live in this post cancer world may take a bit longer than I thought.

Hennesey XO and a Chinese to savour

What a lovely evening. The Chinese restaurant was heaving - which on a Tuesday is pretty good as nowhere else seemed to be. A superb meal and a wander up to K's house and some rather nice XO Cognac and a few hours setting the world to rights was all we needed to round off a lovely evening.

On a cold winters evening a lift home from V was also most welcome. Just time to review my emails and consider what we spoke about and what I learnt tonight.

Most importantly - I have some very nice friends and we share very similar values. I feel uplifted and happy to have decided to have spent time with them. That will do I think.

We had an interesting conversation on "values" and I'll try and work some of that in to the blog down this week. Now back to the issue of trying to sort out all my misbehaving laptops and PCs!!

The pain starts when

You pay the bill. End of Root Canal work today and I suppose, on reflection, it wasn't too bad. I needed a few Ibuprofen later on when I got back but it was a difficult one, so he said, and I needed my jaw jammed open. I was there for an hour and 15 which was a long time. I was a bit too tense to start with but once the tooth was ready it was OK and I started to breathe a bit better.

This just leaves the extraction to come in a few weeks time, I gave myself a few days between Scotland and having this done. It will be early December and whilst I remember having it done some time ago - I have given myself a fair bit of time between then and Christmas to allow me time to recuperate.

I am out tonight with some of the team for a Chinese meal and I have to say I am looking forward to that immensely. It's nice to get out and have a chat with my friends. Unfortunately one of them has had to cry off with something approaching "man Flu" - poor chap :-)

My computer woes grow and it is just a pain trying to get this computer to talk to the rest in the house. I can see that there may be "words" soon if it doesn't start to work properly. It's just pants that this can be allowed to be the normal experience people have with their computers.

My fault for setting the house up with shared printers and services.

It's very cold here today and my feet are freezing - I may decide to go back to my warm office environment in the next week or two.

Whatever I did Yesterday

Has disappeared today and about midday the network on my PC broke again and I was left without network connections and without printing just when I needed it. I hate IT, I hate PCs and Technology just sucks, it never ever used to be this difficult, someone just decided to screw it up and make it insensible to us. And I know what I'm doing (or have a rough idea).

So today was reasonably OK and was a bit sticky being a Monday. My Car Alarm went off at some ungodly hour as Mrs. F. had popped the boot (trunk) and it was frozen solid. She decided not to get the stuff out as she couldn't open it and reset the alarm. Well all was OK until it defrosted and I couldn't find the key to switch off the alarm. It sure got my attention and probably everyone else in the neighbourhood. It switched itself off before I found where the key had been cunningly hidden - not in the drawer where the car keys are kept but in the kitchen drawer - silly me for not using the full set of receptors and mind reading capabilities I should have been born with! Anyway, the morning got off to that sort of start.

The day didn't get much better with the technical issues and reviewing the web site was a bit of a yawn but worthwhile. Later on Flocky Bicep called to say he could make the afternoon meeting of one of our related Lodges and so he came and picked me up and we went there for a very interesting meeting, we came out, grab a beer and some snacks and then went into our practice session afterwards.

Dentist for me in the morning at the crack of Sparrows. It should be, I hope, a simple procedure and I can get back to meet my Business partner and we can finalise the web site. We are then off in the evening for a few beers and a Chinese meal. I haven't had a Chinese meal out for about 3 years I guess so I am really looking forward to that.

I started a thought process today about some of the problems I've been having over the past 4 and a half years and have noted that I've always had problems in terms of self criticism and blame. It's in my nature so I reflected that I do look back at things I've done and decisions I've made and reflect on these in negative ways. There are things that I've done that I'm not proud of and there are things that, given a second opportunity, I would do differently. Everyone must have the same thing surely? The trouble is that I look back and defy all logic (as I am applying hindsight and modern values) to give myself a hard time about things that are history. I should be considering learning from these things but what I do is give myself a hard time about it. I even think about the time back in the 70s when smoking at concerts was OK, most people did it and I feel bad that I may have blighted someone's life for doing that. It isn't logical, it may or may not be true but there is this self-harming type of mindset. It doesn't want me to move on, it wants to pull me back in to the dark ages. It is as if there is some sort of self-destruct mechanism in place.

It's me that does this and I am my own worst enemy, always have been. I don't think I have a low opinion of myself or low self esteem but I just think that I have set myself high ideals and fail to meet them. I can't set low ideals, it isn't in my make up to do so.

It's a funny old world where you know what the problems are (or think you do) and you know how to get out of them (or think you do) and yet I choose to be negative about it. I will happily set on myself rather than work out a way to turn it to my advantage. It's the regrets for the past that are difficult to shake off I find, I'm not sure where I find the benefit in going over old ground to beat myself up over something I cannot change. I'd prefer to go over old ground and say don't do that again or don't make that mistake again, learn from the experience.

It just goes to show that Psychology and its branches wouuld not have been a good career move for me - I'm glad I didn't take that path :-)

Go with your gut feel

Sometimes that's the right thing to do I find. This problem with my new PC has been bugging me and so I thought let's think about this - it happened on the old PC recently when an update came in and by turning off the IPV6 setting I got it to work, I also thought, I would clear out all the old settings. As insurance I have downloaded some network tools and spent about an hour today sorting it out. Glory be, I can now see files, printers and everything else on-line.

Thank goodness for that - go with what you feel - worked for me.

I seem to have settled down a bit after quite a few months of being a bit fragile. I wasn't great last night and today, being Remembrance Sunday always fills me with sadness and Elgar's Enigma Variation - Nimrod - wrecks me every time I hear it, it is a haunting piece of music. All those people who died in all those wars, it just seems such a terrible price to pay for liberty and freedom. So I get a little down on this day every year, thankful but down.

I think the end of Summer also doesn't help the dark mornings and afternoons, the rain and general greyness are pretty depressing.

Yesterday was nice, I got a round of applause for my delivery of a Grand Lodge Certificate which was a bit of a shock, I've never had that happen in Lodge before but lots of people enjoyed it so that is great. It was a very nice meeting yesterday which was pleasing - just like it should be, it's about people and getting on with each other and enjoying other people's company. All very special as it was a 50th Certificate too.

At least I've fixed my PC so I am pleased and today was the end of the F1 season so I'm a bit sad about that but it was good going down to the wire in the very last race.

Someone mentioned Christmas to me - I knew it was Christmas as in August the adverts started :-) I need to try and get that sorted, at least I can do what I normally do and use my PC to do my Christmas Shopping.

A good afternoon

I hope - off to the Lodge. I'm Treasurer and I also get to do a bit of work today - that is presenting a Grand Lodge Certificate to one of my candidates. That will be great. I hope that I remember what I have to say and that I can read my crib notes too.

It is an old friend's 50th year in Freemasonry so he also gets a special recognisition certificate today it should be a nice pleasant afternoon and evening. It is our last meeting of the year.

Life's pretty good and I should get my tooth finally fixed on Tuesday. That will be interesting. It wasn't as bad as I thought - but I still have Tuesday morning to go.

This new computer keeps disconnecting itself from the home network which is such a pain, I've managed to get it to work occasionally but it just isn't playing nicely....

I haven't heard when I am due in for a scope, I hope they give us good notice as there is so much going on these coming weeks. Life's good - that's important.

I will be glad to see the back of this week

For no other reason than it has been one of those weeks that has just been hard work. It doesn't seem to be getting us anywhere and yet I know, deep down, that we have made massive progress this week it has just been like wading through clawing mud to get there.

I really cannot wait until the web site is up and running and when I will be able to let everyone know about it because that is when things will start to accelerate. Indeed it has been a bit of a "Phoney War" in terms of what we are doing generally as we don't appear to be doing anything. However, I am sure that will all change soon.

I was thinking of how well I feel and that's good stuff really, I do feel good still but the one thing I have let go is exercising. It must have been 4 weeks now and I'm certain that if I got back to doing that the weight would just fall off me as I am still losing weight gradually and fit into my shirts and suits again now which is a great relief I can tell you.

Perhaps when we get through this hard section of work I can recommence.

Bumpy days

Only bumpy because we are trying to get to a final point in the web site to get it finished and published. The creative process is quite bumpy and start / stop by its very nature it has to be I suppose. It isn't like good old logical project management where things get a tick or a cross a 1 or a 0 whether they are done or not!

So we have been looking over and over at out web site and its layout, the images and the way spacing is used etc. It is hard work and of course the more you look the less you like it so it is nice to get some outside opinions. We have really bootstrapped the web site but it does look slick even though it isn't for our final audience yet it looks as if it is.

Everything has just taken an age today down to silly things like getting an image to go on the site has taken me a couple of hours.

It is blowing a gale outside and at the crack of dawn this morning, some tree feller types came in and started hacking down next door's Yew tree. All very well but it couldn't have been much past 7:30 and so there was all that noise of chain saws and pulping machines outside the house until about 10:30. The gales look to be increasing and we had what looked like a baby twister out here a few minutes ago, a squall cam and picked up all the leaves on the road and dumped them against the windows and front of the house.

It looks as if it has calmed down again for a short while and the rain has stopped. All in all it has been a miserable, windy, wet and a dreary day and the work hasn't been much better either.

A nice evening out

And the last until Saturday. It was a small, friendly evening with some very nice people and we made the very best of it and filled in for missing officers and just got on and had a good time. That's what it is all about really and so tonight went really fast and I was home by around 10:15 so that too was good.

Today was a good day as we looked back over the past months, looked at the website and realised how far we had come in 5 months since our Boot Camp in June. Goodness, I've had an operation and good news since then and wasn't particularly great come June if I remember.

No problems. We are close to our major goals - those of having web site and sales messages in place. I've got 3 potential backers to talk to - after I've got the web posted and we are about to break cover after all these years, working in the background. It will be quite exciting. I've managed to start to change profiles and set up links but that is a tiny bit premature as I don't expect the web site to be up until the 19th November at the earliest.

We are a couple of months behind but, nil desperadoes, we shall just get on and tackle the next piece in the same methodical manner - it cannot be rushed.

I'm feeling relatively OK but concious that I am beginning to run out of steam a bit having done about 4 or 5 weeks full on. I am trying to get the children to make up their minds about a winter holiday but no one (once again) wants to make a decision. I hope that they do soon or else we just wont have a break and that is really what we could all do with.

We got the first look at

The web site today and I've started changing my business profiles to allow the web site to link up with my profiles. The site isn't live yet, far from it, but it has a certain wow factor now that the animation is working and the words are laid out on their various pages. There is still some way to go as we actually need to go and buy the pictures which will up the quality and just check over the wording which now, seeing it on a web site, looks wrong. But that is how these things work and hence why it is in test mode and hidden.

I'm off out tonight to a Lodge meeting, just as a visitor, which will be nice as I don't need to do too much, just turn up, stay awake and enjoy myself.

It's only Wednesday - it feels as if I have done a full week or work already. By the end of the week I will be exhausted! It all kicks off this weekend as it looks as if I only have one weekend free from now until Christmas! Crazy.

Life's good, my tooth appears to be fine, no real pain as such which is good, still slightly numb but probably to be expected after such serious work. I guess I'll be called in for a scope next month or January but I don't have a date as of yet.