Got a mountain of work to get through and I guess losing half the team isn't actually helping - not that they actually did that much. Seeing it stretched out before us is a bit daunting and perhaps that's part of this quite depressive mood I'm in.
It is what it is though and I just need to get on and do it. Perhaps I'll cheer myself up with my mates later. That normally does the trick.
I cannot put my finger on what it is at all. I'm just not in a good place at all at the moment. I feel lethargic, slow, stressed (but not to breaking point) and generally out of salts. It's just bizarre as it has only kicked in these past few days.
It's almost as if I know something is about to happen and yet I don't want it to. Something coming down the line that will affect the way the rest of the years will pan out.
Whatever it is, I do hope I shake it off before tonight. I'm out with some friends (all my old school chums + 1) for a curry and I want to be on better form for that. I'll probably rise to the occasion - I managed to last night when we were out.
I hope I get out of here soon, I feel pretty down and depressed at the moment and cannot for the life of me understand quite what has brought it about. Perhaps it is that we are getting near to an event that could shake up my world and perhaps, deep inside, I just don't want to be there or perhaps I'm worried about going there, which is strange really considering that's what I want. Maybe there are some worries about what that will mean to my family, my friends and ultimately to me?
I've been a committed (not in the sense of being stuck in an Institution) Freemason for 28 years this month. In all those years I've been - as far as I can be - a useful person, doing various roles and working my way from the early beginnings to being a reasonably well known person in my local Province. I even worked for 2 years or more in the heart of the organisation doing my charity piece and setting up a new area for them in the worlds of PR and Communications.
This weekend, I get to do some of the ritual work as Worshipful Master of the Lodge (just for a stand in appearance) something I haven't done since I was Master in 1991 apart from odd stand in roles. It will be nice to get up into the limelight once again.
But there's something not quite right at the moment about it and it's to do with the business and also my concentration on the work in hand, getting this company rolling. It's taking time and a lot more effort than I thought it would (if you look back over the past 2 or 3 months posts you'll see why). But more than that I'm feeling tired and disinterested at the moment and perhaps somewhat jaded in my outlook. I'm still Treasurer of 3 units, Chaplain of a further 2 and I kind of realised that I don't have the commitment that I once had for this any-more. Hell - I'm getting tired of it taking so much of my time and in a way, whilst I enjoy it very much I dislike the way things are panning out these days. There's a lot of politics being played and somewhere along the line we've lost the meaning of it all. I'm thinking that pulling away from this over the next year or so and leaving it to the youngsters to pick it up is the way forward.
I'd really like to give up some of the long standing stuff I do as I've been doing it so long that I'm not bringing anything "new" to the party at all. I really think it would be useful for me to pull back than try and do anything about it. I want it to be for other people after I've had some 15 years in the limelight and I could do with the rest really.
I think that change is coming this year and that it will do me good. I probably have to give some things up at some point. What would happen if I couldn't carry on? Someone would have to be found to fill my place - it's the way of things, life goes on.
we are now on the cusp of seeing if we can get our ideas to market. We know that most ideas just flop but we think we have something that has mileage. If we do get the opportunity to take it on, I'm not going to have an hour to myself for long periods of time and so it is a bit academic deciding what I can and cannot do. I remember when I set up my business in the late 80s that I didn't have much to do in the Lodge. I had an Office but I could work on that one thing like crazy in between times and could do what was needed a couple of times a year. Now, well I doubt that I could get anywhere near that level of commitment - its 25 or so years ago - I was young and much fitter.
It's a feeling "in my water" that there's change coming along the road and that my Masonic hobby will change and also that my attitude to it will also have to take a back seat if I am to give the business a chance.
My dreams are back with all their technicolour strangeness and I had a bad one where my friend and I go and see where my friend died in January just up the road here. We found the spot and were told off by the office staff for being on private property, we had a row as I recall and then things faded out. I still can't believe he's gone and left us, what a tragedy that was to start 2011.
I was also acutely aware that there is a fine line here and that is whether people are remembered after they go? All these wonderful human beings lie forgotten, held in esteem by their families - maybe - but we don't know all these people at all. All the war heroes and their obituaries line our newspapers, people with interesting and accomplished lives, amazing feats and stories but at the end of the day, how many are truly remembered? How many names are on our lips daily? I'd state very few and it makes me wonder what it is all about sometimes. I mean, someone does something extraordinary and is recognised for it at the time but later on, maybe even before they die, their names are lost. The world is looking on to the next "now" thing.
Life's a funny old thing isn't it? I have great kids, I have done my best, I live in a nice place, I can afford to chase a dream, I survived this type of cancer so far but I am not absolutely certain that survival is my destiny, I hold a vision for a better place through technology and I have great friends and some that may return to be great one day. But something isn't right with the way it is, it isn't "ticking all my boxes" and this year may well be the shakedown on that. Let's see where the journey takes me and let's see where the roller coaster finally comes to rest.
I suppose you begin to forget things like what it used to be like and what it was to have cancer and live with it for a while. Today I live with the "threat" of it all the time not having it because, as far as I can recollect, I only had it for a short time about four times. The first time they cut it out, then they found some more at the next TURBT (a re-seed as they called it), then CIS and then the minute tumour they found a little while back.
The fear will always be that it can return and unfortunately the rate of recurrence is very high for this particular type of cancer. So you never get to be fully in remission or feel free. You initially hate it and that's pretty much what you would expect. You respect it, let's face it, it's an amazing thing that you can get cancer and they can cure you.
What of the scars? Well the physical ones I can't see but apparently they do exist and I suppose, as the bladder repairs itself they eventually go away. I'm guessing that Kidneys and tubes are somehow damaged too but let's hope that it is minor. I'm still struggling with fitness and that is something I hope to really tackle this year. It's the mental scars that take some fixing.
I've often blogged about these scars and the most obvious one is the inability to see others suffer and I can't really watch films, tv or even real life where there is something sad. I just watched Finding Neverland and was really uncomfortable with it especially the ending. I cannot tell you what this is all about except that it is and isn't a great thing. Sure I may be "more in touch" now with my emotions. But the other sets of emotions are to do with right and wrong, social justice, that sort of stuff.
I suppose it isn't too bad to come out of the jaws of cancer and just have a handful of emotional scars and worries? Of course you could do without them but perhaps it isn't too bad a price to pay?
Last night I thought I'd sit down and watch a couple of DVDs that I bought recently.
I started off with the Motorcycle Diaries and then finished off with Cinema Paradiso. Both are sub titled foreign language films and the first one was just a really interesting look at Che Guevara and his early life. This morning I learnt that the other Che (Alberto Granado), who we see at the end of the film, died yesterday. The link is here. I had previously seen the Che part one and two that looked at Cuba and Bolivia and the remainder of Che's life - it made a lot of sense, seeing this film, how that must have shaped his thought. I found it an uplifting and unusual road movie and thoroughly enjoyed it.
Cinema Paradiso won a string of BAFTAs and an Oscar and didn't disappoint but it really chewed me up at the end and brought through some interesting points to ponder on. It wasn't at all what I expected but I was drawn to it by the music of Ennio Morricone and that it was highly recommended by a friend.
Looking at the news today and seeing the death of Alberto on the very day I was watching the film was a bit spooky though...
We celebrated last night and Flocky Bicep came and joined us for a few beers and a curry. That was nice and a pleasant end to the week. I found a new dish that I will try on Tuesday night when I am out. It was a Lamb dish flamed in Sambuca. Very nice indeed.
I am just preparing for a quiet weekend and one in which I hope to sort out my various Treasurer duties and work on the books. I hate chasing money and I don't really like being a Treasurer it is an OK sort of job and someone has to do it but I would prefer to get back into the action. I think though that I should give things a rest for a while as I hope we will be working like mad this year to get the business off the ground and if I can't do something properly, I'd rather not do it at all.
I'm tempted to do some "work work" but feel I ought to give myself a rest as I just pile into it every week and a break is necessary to keep me fresh.
My business partner has had things sorted out now and so that clears the way for us to get cracking and begin to become more "visible" in our business activities.
Funny day today - we are going out to celebrate tonight but I know he is feeling a bit flat although he has no need to be. A bit like I felt getting my last clear, you'd have thought it would be a BIG thing but it isn't somehow.
It is actually great news but we don't get carried away with things at all but I am glad that his ordeal is ended and that he can get back to normal. They were going to postpone until December which would have been a nightmare and wouldn't settle anything. At least some sort of sense has prevailed and this nasty little episode can be put behind and we can move on. We have plenty of things to worry about without any more.
I just had a call from Australia - a lovely lady and a distant relative who is just so nice to talk to. Bless her, she stays up late to call me so it must have been around 2 in the morning when she called. That pleased me. It restores my faith in humans when you speak to someone like that and you realise you have a friend miles and miles away. We have never met but have talked and corresponded and I think I'd love to meet her and spend hours talking about the family and our family history.
Just off to bed and heard that Steve has another clear which is brilliant news indeed. Very pleased for him and brought a smile to my face as for some reason, I always feel for my fellow BC patients.
I had a good day up in London and it was quite a pleasant sunny but bitterly cold day. I popped into the office and I didn't get a great feel for the place - it was nice to say hello but I got out in 10 minutes flat as I didn't like it that much.
Back to working tomorrow and sorting myself out - I need to make an appointment to see the dentist to see how his work is getting along. I know that I still have some tenderness where the root canal work was done but it doesn't hurt me - I just know that it is there sometimes and it feels almost as if it were slightly bruised.
Anyway - it is midnight and I need to get some sleep.
I'm alright as I am off to London as Chairman of London Lunchtimers. Steve however, will be going off to his medical centre and being checked with a scan and a flexible cystoscope to see if all is OK.
So as I'm on my way home I imagine Steve will be getting checked out so the very best of luck and good wishes to him. I suppose my next scope has to be in the next 4 to 6 weeks so I'd better watch out for the letter in the post.
I'm just readying myself for a trot back up to London. It is pretty cold outside and it froze last night.
As I said yesterday, it is a strange old week this week, I can[t tell you why, I don't know exactly perhaps I'll find out later.
Off there tonight and looking forward to another evening out of the house. A has gone off to Edinburgh, L is down in Canterbury having her interview with the University and I'm stuck here wondering what the next bit of work I need to tackle. There's loads of work to do and I'm not concentrating too well at the moment. I'm thinking about my colleague in his tribunal today and for the next few days. It is a stressful thing having done it myself but I don't think he will be as stressed about it as I was. I wasn't particularly well either which didn't help.
It's a funny old week for some reason that I can't put my finger on.
I guess that is what is happening this week. We knew some time ago that our business partners weren't pulling their weight and I blogged about that realising what the implications were going to be. In a way, nothing has changed but it is a bit like realising someone is going to die, and then they do. It is still a shock and it still matters and you feel it.
Well, that's what we are going through now, we knew it was coming, we understood what that would mean and now, we are here. There's nothing we can do about it, there's nothing that would have prevented it, there's no use crying about it but undeniably it affects everything.
The coming to terms with it is the main thing, I didn't expect that it would be easy but neither did I expect to feel quite as deflated about it as I am at the moment. I'm sure that it wont be for long - this week is just a peculiar week I think and once we get it out of our system, we can move on. It feels very strange that there are now just two of us where last week we were 4.
Well at least all the family are in one piece but damage again to property etc. They've had three large quakes in about 6 months and aftershocks all the time.
I can't say I have actually felt one but did wake up after a local one rumbled through. My parents and brother were discussing the Gainsborough earthquake of a short while ago here. They said it sounded like a train loudly rumbling past them.
At least everyone is safe and that is the good thing.
So yesterday I was speaking with a friend who runs a couple of businesses and he tells me that his 26 year old shop assistant whom he always did speak highly of has been diagnosed with a brain tumour that is inoperable. 26 years old - no age at all is it really. How sad. I have been feeling sad today. I think I'm sad that my dad preferred turning up his TV volume rather than talking to me. I feel sad that he doesn't get out and about more or do something although he did get out in the garden today so that's a better sign.
I'm also sad because tomorrow I'll be talking to my business partner and we will be discussing how we are going to take the business forward now that we have had it confirmed that the other 2 founders will not be taking the journey with us through no particular fault of their own they both have to go off and do other things. As it happens, we knew this some time ago and that's why we set up our business in the first place because they weren't going to be available. We did feel that we would have had more support but, once again, through their own reasons that hasn't happened either.
The result is that all of the work we've done has been mainly delivered by the two of us. The work we expected to get done. hasn't been and so we need to do that ourselves too now. So that just leaves us to work on a new strategy that takes us forward and we need to grow our team again which has been depleted by (in fact) 3 of the 6 main members. We've both known this to be so for some time as regular readers may recall I felt that there would be only 2 of us going forward and so whilst it is no great surprise that this has happened it is still sad and a little disappointing too.
It was nice yesterday to go a Lodge meeting and not hear my name mentioned in the report on the health of the members. A lot of people came up and spoke to me but it was nice to not be the centre of attention for once. Mind you, after 8 years in office, I found doing nothing was a little strange.
Ever felt like that? I feel like that. Not from friends or work. No, from family and it feels weird and upsetting. Mrs. F. picked me up tonight and I asked her to talk to the centre manager as we are trying to arrange L's 18th birthday party. It was if I had tipped acid over her when I asked her to discuss it. Me - I don't actually give a sh*t one way or the other but she is the one pushing for it and can't find anywhere. I find a venue willing to take us and she treats me like something she just trod on and hardly communicates with the manager. I'm feeling pretty pissed off I have to say having gone out of my way and, in a way, stuck my neck out for this to get almost brushed off and shown up in front of someone that I deal with quite a bit who is only, after all, doing a favour because it is me who asked. They wouldn't entertain anyone else doing it.
I almost went into "base speak" tonight as I felt like I was some sort of leper the way I was treated. I'm fuming and angry at the moment - at times like this I like the blog as it takes my anger and aggression not anyone or anything else. In fact this whole week has been one that has altered my way of thinking about almost everything.
Tonight I heard that a friend of mine now has Leukaemia after just having had his Bowel Cancer sorted. It isn't great news I'm afraid and I feel bad for him as we spoke a few weeks back about his troubles and I discussed some of the issues I had and we swapped notes like old pros but he isn't going to make it and I feel desperately sorry about that. Life isn't fair sometimes and he hasn't long retired and moved down to the coast and got himself established there. It makes me want to cry although I rarely do these days. I sort of fill up but manage to stop it there normally.
This is part of this journey or being a little bit strange and a little bit weird and a little unpredictable and lateral. Of knowing something that other non sufferers don't. Of venting like some mad man and of just getting utterly angry with everyone and everything.
I had a great evening and Mrs. F. turned up and completely ruined it for me.
In all this has been one of those weeks. In a way a monkey had been lifted off my shoulder. The two members of the team whom we were finding hadn't delivered much were about to get my comment that they hadn't delivered much and what did they think they were going to contribute in future. As luck would have it they have both independently come to that conclusion themselves and backed out of the venture. This has done a couple of things. We have suddenly had our belief that this would happen confirmed and it has left a hole in our business. SO we are now at half strength. The thing is we knew this moths ago and we made plans for it but actually hearing it today was a shock. A bit like when you are expecting someone to die and they do it is generally a lot bigger shock than you were expecting or building yourself up for.
That's how I feel right now. Shocked, upset and pretty damn annoyed. Loads of shit all week and for once it would have been nice to have had the slightest sympathy or acknowledgement of my situation. All I feel that has happened is that I've been made a laughing stock or just been treated without any respect - that hurts. I might get over this tonight but I fear that I will just turn in to Mr. Angry for a day or so until I work this anger out of my system.
Well it was nice to get up to see my parents but I feel pretty flat afterwards. Their move to a smaller place has meant a lot of upheaval and change and I'm not sure that the change has done either of them a good turn. Dad looks a lot older than when I saw him last year and is more into his routines than ever.
He's OK in the morning but in the afternoon everything has to be "just so" done to a proscribed timetable and he gets fidgety if it isn't. We were obviously a huge disruption to the status quo and in some ways I got the distinct feeling that we weren't really wanted - and by that I mean - that we were disturbing his world and his way of doing things. I don't think he actually didn't want us there but I had to say I found it difficult competing with the TV all afternoon.
So in a way I was glad to go up and see them but also sad to see them too. I worry that I am sometimes similar to my dad but in many other ways I am a lot different to him and my family in many ways. I saw my kid brother - I probably haven't seen him for 18 months or more. He too is very different to me and they all live very different lives and are very different people.
Because my parents have moved into a tiny place now there was lots of things to fill my car up with when we came home and we have now gone through what we want to keep and the things we will give away. It feels very strange doing this as these things that meant something to them are now either in my house or going to the charity shop. That's the sort of thing that happens when you down size like that and probably adds to the levels of "depression" I felt when we were there. They've done the right thing in moving to a manageable house but of course the downside is the loss of possessions and loss of space - compared to the last place this feels claustrophobic and you can't get away to another room like you could in the last place so you are forced to be in the same room all the time and so that didn't help the situation.
I'm sort of glad that I have little attachment to things these days but I can see how the loss of familiar objects can be upsetting also the weather has meant that they are trapped indoors a lot.
It was nice to get away, even nicer to stay in a local B&B rather than in the same house - not sure I could have managed that this time.
It feels strange dashing off and not taking the kids. They'll be OK here and A still has Uni and L is studying for her exams so it probably helps that we are out of the way.
I'm off out tonight and that suits me too as I can stop work in an about an hour and just relax up and not need to come back to this until I get back.
The B&B we are staying in isn't far from my parents and so that will mean we can pop our heads in and book in and then just walk or drive around the corner to see them, they don't have to "put up with us" either so we can leave at a reasonable hour and go have a drink at the pub rather than disturb their evening.
Who knows I might even see my kid brother whilst we are there. I probably haven't seen him for 18 months or so but then he's too busy making a living - of course - if he had an experience like mine then he'd probably look at that work / home relationship slightly differently but he does travel a hell of a long way to work too so that can't help.
I'm waiting to hear when I'm due in next to the Hospital, I imagine I should know in the next 3 weeks or so when that will be.
I also need to work on a change in habit - spring is coming along and I want to get back into doing some more exercise and moving away from my desk which I tend to sit at for 10 hours a day. At least it wont feel like the middle of the night when I'm doing that. All I need to do is get myself in the right frame of mind and just to follow my instincts and actually get up and walk away from the PC occasionally :-)
Well after tomorrow I will. I was still working even though it was the weekend even though I said I wouldn't I still did but the difference was that I just re read loads of our original paperwork and that's got my gear into gear for what needs to be done in the next few weeks.
At least I'll have a few days off to see my folks and their new house. I've a feeling this is the 4th or maybe 5th move in the time I've lived in my house. I'm not nomadic I guess. We moved a lot when we were kids and teens.
It takes out most of my week but that's OK by me. I know that I need the break and I know that I should take it too. It's hard work, it needs to be done but a day or two off will refresh my head and let me get to it. It's not as if a few days will make that much difference.
And it is as if I'm not there - it happens all around me and no one responds or talks to me they are embroiled in their own little world it as if I'm watching it unfold as a film goer or voyeur.
Ever seen the film the 6th Sense? Well if you have it made me wonder if I really was there or not?
Hopefully I am not like the main character in the 6th Sense though but you never know - it would explain some of the stuff that goes on around here :-)
I should do but I don't much these days. Crazy as it seems the workload is really heavy - when I do stop I collapse in a heap in the chair and fall asleep. I do too much and again I am sat at my computer on a Saturday just adding to my work. Of course one of the problems is that it is just the two of us now going forward. Any chance of getting any one else to do the hard work has gone as we are a country mile ahead of people in where we are, how the ideas have developed, how the costs hang together and how the business works and how it all will hang together. It's a shame really that we have been left on our own like this. It is totally without malice or anything else its just that they can't come on the journey with us. They have wives, families, mortgages and need to get out there and make some money regularly and to meet commitments.
Their somewhat romantic view of building a business is just that, a view that somehow a business will build itself that talking long enough about it will make it happen. The reality is in fact very different and the sheer amount of graft that has gone into the latest set of documents and financial plans is breathtaking in its complexity and effort. But it is all good stuff.
So more reason to get a break which is what I intend to do now.
Next week I am away for three days to see my parents which will give me every opportunity to stop, slow down and to just relax and take it easy. We are staying 5 or 10 minutes away in a country pub B&B which will be nice as we wont have to spend all out time at my parents. It could be just the break I need to get some energy back for the next stage.
