Absent Minded

Or maybe distracted a bit - it could be I because if just thinking things through. A Funeral tomorrow - I ought to go - it's as difficult as you like to get there but I think I may get a taxi there, attend the funeral and then wander across the road from the Church to a rather nice pub I know and have a few leisurely beers in a lovely Kent country pub. I can get a taxi back or call on one of the girls to pick me up when they've finished whatever they are doing.

I've been pretty good on my diet this week and with the rest of the family disappearing for the Whitsun weekend - I'll be home alone and so can make sure that I just have stuff off of my own list. They tend to occasionally cook me things I don't want and I tend to try and prepare my food myself so that I get enough but not too much.

Next week is a big for the business as our Financial Man will come on over and we will get a view from him about how near we are to being ready to go to Venture Capitalists for funding. We know there are a few areas that need tightening up and completing and we need to get some wok sorted for the next phase too. What's apparent is that those who have seen the work we have put in are mighty impressed. Let's hope, for our sake they are right and we have a real business here and that we aren't barking mad!

I need to get my concentration back as soon as possible so that I can focus on the business tasks and not get so easily distracted. Hopefully I can work out whatever is in my head this weekend and move on from there.

Let's Not Get Carried Away Shall We?

I took my first lot of FOCC this morning and it was OK. I have to say that I've felt my fingers and hands being a little warmer today as if the blood flow had improved and strangely enough my skin feels good too. I haven't felt like this since I gave up smoking - goodness knows how long ago and after two or three weeks the same sorts of sensations - better taste, skin was smooth to the touch. But hey, I could be reading too much into it and it could be a placebo effect or I'm looking for some sort of change.

I did my exercises tonight they were as difficult as usual - no change there but there was when I measured my Blood Pressure. Now when I'm a stone or two lighter than I am now - my blood pressure does come down a bit but tonight's results were a bit strange. So strange that I checked them twice more. I measured 115 over 80 which is amazing considering that I expect to be 130 to 140 over 90 to 95 after exercise.

So once again I could say that FOCC has helped but I'm going to have to go and make sure by continuing to check this out. My goodness if it were to get to around 110 over 80 that would be great - I'd be pleased with that. My GP sees me in a few weeks and it would be good to show improvements in BP.

I did a little read up and it does appear that FOCC, due to the oil, thins the blood so I guess that may be the answer. It recommends that Aspirin isn't taken at the same time (in one place) and guess what I take :-) Will have to see what the GP says in June.

For now though, this is encouraging but not convincing :-)

FOCC

My first go at Flax Seed Oil and Cottage Cheese appears to have been a success. The recipe is easy to follow and the oil disappears into the cheese rather amazingly and the ground flax seeds certainly give it a flavour all of its own. The oil is slightly strange tasting on its own and not at all like the Linseed Oil that we condition Cricket Bats with or use in painting. It is much lighter. I keep that and the seeds in the fridge to give them a longer life span.

The mixture when complete, and I had to add a teaspoon of honey to flavour it a tiny bit sweeter, is much like cold porridge I guess. Anyway, it wasn't too bad and was unusual - I will wait and see what assistance it may provide me with in the future.

Right here goes

The stuff arrived today - Mrs. F. has turned her nose up at what I've got Flax Seed Oil and Flax Seeds sat in the fridge for. I've explained that it was the advice I got yet the seeds say cool and dry place - so I need to sort that out and check my source.

The cottage cheese is ready, the hand blender, mill and I got lots of different sorts of dried fruits to put in the FOCC mixture. Tomorrow morning I'll be giving that a go and making up a small quantity and see how I get on.

The hope is that by changing my diet I'll be giving myself a slightly better chance of keeping old Mr. Bladder Cancer away and also assisting me in my new diet and exercise campaign. A bit of creative use and I can make it part of everyday living.

I was wiped out today with a heavy work day and so I gave exercise a miss tonight and will go back to it tomorrow.

A week on

And I'm still kind of OK about things. I'm waiting for my stuff to come which includes a load of dietary food including the Flax Seed Oil and Flax Seeds. That will allow me to get onto my proposed new diet in the next couple of days. I'm already on that but last night Mrs. F. fed me up with a load of bits that she saw that I wasn't amused by. Sausages = lovely home made ones but even so - my face must have told a story :-) Anyway - I ate them and just said that I'd sort myself out for food as I'm happy to prepare it and stick to my diet.

Getting back to regular exercise has made me feel quite good and I was also pleased to see that my Blood Pressure is at a reasonable level after sessions. I am hoping that I will get back to it being habitual if at all possible. It is so easy to fall out of this habit.

I say I'm kind of OK because there is a part of me that is a little annoyed, a little disappointed and a little down about the recurrence (if that is what it is). I suppose that's to be expected really it isn't where I thought I'd be. It isn't in my plans and much as I was ready to take a bit of bad news - deep down inside you wish for something different.

I do believe that the truth is that this is all manageable and that I can move on from here. A bit of a knock, a bit of a wobble but I'll just have to live with it and move on. I don't want anything to distract me from building our business as well and I want to be there to move that forward. It's still just out of reach but later today we hope to move things on a fair way towards tying down some of the last bits of detail and then we can finalise the last actions. Typically I'll need to be in Hospital at a critical time but I'm sure that I can think of ways to work around that. I sure hope that they just do a few minor biopsies on me not do what they did to me last time causing me three days in Hospital and beating me up so badly that all the good work I had done in terms of weight, exercise and diet were set back.

Well that was interesting

I've started to cut right back on my food intake and don't feel too bad about that - a few pangs of hunger but some fruit sorted that out. I should be on the FOCC come Friday and I've gotten back to doing my exercises on the machine rather thank just walking.

I'm even going to try turning in a little earlier each night and see if that also gets me into these changes. Had a nice chat with a friend who phoned up to see how I was. Not absolutely certain I deserve the accolades about how cheerful I am and how I'm a good example and sort of "fight" this. It's interesting isn't it that from my point of view - I'm making the best of what I've got but I do have a PMA Positive Mental Attitude (most of the time - I falter a lot!). People see it as more than that and in a way if I give the assurance that Cancer isn't a death sentence then perhaps people who may have this later will remember the attitude and spirit.

That was quick

Dates for pre-assessment and operation are in:

8th June for pre-assessment and 20th June for the Operation.

Welcome back to the Roller Coaster.

However, I am planning to make some changes to my lifestyle once again this time I am going to follow a protocol that I was planning to last year. Steve Kelley sums it all up in this informative blog post HERE.

I intend to start this later this week when I get a new grinder and flax seeds and flax seed oil. I too am going to aim to have this for breakfast every day and I am also going to get back into regular exercise not the irregular exercise I have had these past 6 months. It is the end of the Masonic season and so I only have a few meals to go to in the next two months so I can stick to a diet and also ensure that I manage this over the summer period.

I can also get back to salads too.

The addition of FOCC into my diet will, I hope, in combination with a more stirct diet and exercise routine, ensure that I become fitter and give myself more chances to combat whatever else is coming down the line...

A good evening

It was nice to meet everyone yesterday and to be able to deliver a Eulogy for one of the past members of the Lodge. I hadn't realised that it was going to be quite so long but then again he had been at the heart of the Lodge and one of the "Fathers of the Lodge" so losing him was a final break with the earliest days of the foundation of the Lodge back in 1934.

Someone suggested that I send a copy to his widow and so I will sort that out today his funeral is on Friday not far from here. I will make sure I go to this one.

I find it quite interesting to spend more time reassuring people about my condition than I do thinking too much about it myself. It's inconvenient for me to many others it's a frightening thing as they don't understand what it is that they've found and I suppose people fear the worst. Of course it is treatable and it is a tiny area - nothing like the tumour they hooked out the first time.

For me it will be a bit of a worry in terms of what the grade is and whether or not I can get home the same day and what they will then need to do. I don't know how long they'll go at it before it becomes more pragmatic to do something radical - but that's off there in the future. I intend to take some of my own action about this - I'm just undecided on what that should take the form of at the moment. It also comes at a time when I need to be actively sorting things out and at a high intensity in terms of the business - which although we are running about 3 months or more late is nearing the point at which we can go out looking for investors.

Whoa

Got the prescription - I didn't get around to calling the GP again - however they want me to come in urgently for Blood Pressure test and a review - well that's better than an blood test. I'll make an appointment in that case and go and see them next week - hopefully they'll have an agreeable appointment time for me to go in. Mind you the main thing is that they keep to time - I've waited up to 40 minutes and by then my BP is going through the roof. Should be fun I suppose. I hope I don't get the straight talking GP - I don't like him much. I've never really forgiven him for suggesting that I'd have a general anaesthetic to then have a local procedure and then going to the wire before they gave me some Prosac = which I only needed for the first scope. I also wasn't greatly impressed, as I'd have to wait a few weeks, to be told that it probably was cancer. Yea, I hope I don't get to see him.

Ohhh you look fine....

That's because I am fine! Strange conversations - surreal stuff - I spend more time telling people I'm all right and not to worry about me than I do worrying about myself. It is so strange - those who don't know fear the worst - they don't get how - in my case - it is just a matter of getting into Hospital and being run through the production line and spat out the other end with another anomaly found, cut out and sent to the lab.

It's not exactly the way I suppose I should describe it but frankly the Hospitals treat you like a lump of meat that is processed and there's little recognition sometimes that you are a human being or have real feelings. They bung you on the conveyor - you have no control over what happens to you. It's impersonal and not a great experience - I suppose it isn't supposed to be.

I'm absolutely sure that half the people I spoke to tonight thought I was going to die - if not there and then on the spot then horribly in the next few weeks! People are funny :-)

Out Tonight and Tomorrow

At a few Lodge meetings which will be nice. I am off to a nice little meeting tonight and then we have my mother Lodge meeting tomorrow which I am looking forward to except for the heat in the room! It really needs to be air conditioned in this sort of weather. At least there will only be about 15 of us so that's OK - tomorrow might be a bit different as we around the 40 mark in the same room! I shall make sure that I'm well prepared for that.

As for me - well I'm surprisingly chip-per and quite upbeat I guess. I'm not looking forward to going and getting biopsies but there you go - it can't be helped and I suppose that the main thing is that they see what it is and decide what to do about it.

I'm doing some reading and research this weekend to see what I want to do in terms of life style changes. I don't really fancy doing too much but I feel I should make a further effort to move towards and even healthier lifestyle. It's just making sure that I don't do anything stupid along the way and have the wrong effect.

Phew

Well that was a day and a half - 07:30 in the morning I kicked off work and I finished about 09:30 in the evening! Two long meetings at the house (thank goodness) and suddenly the business is becoming a living being - at last.

As usual we draw great comfort from the work we have done so far and the approving noises that are made. We need to drill down one last time to one more layer of detail to hone in on the prices and we will be there.

I certainly feel that if I had to have done this up in London and then faced an 1 to 1.5 hour journey back it wouldn't have been as successful as it was.

Anyway - I'm still remarkably cheerful even though I've spent most of the day working :-)

Reasons to be Cheerful

1 2 3.

Well that old song says it all. I'm a cheerful chap normally and now is no exception really. I know people find it quite hard to get it when I've just been given what amounts to bad news and yet there you have the difference between someone who has gone through the mill and had 5 years worth of experience and someone looking in from the outside many of whom, of course, haven't had an experience with cancer or if they have probably know someone who died because of it.

A stoic battle, a brave and courageous fight, resolute to the end and all that stuff - which I am sorry - I don't mean to belittle at all. It is just that I remember my niece saying when she was quite small that she was frightened of going into hospital because people go there to die. Indeed her grandparents and others in her mother's side of the family had and so that was her only experience.

In a way my dealings with cancer are similar, my grandfather died and I wasn't allowed to see him (his request) in the end. Many friends died some in a very short space of time through cancer and so it isn't surprising that those looking at me are feeling somewhat bemused by my good humour and stoical pragmatic approach. Unfortunately for many of them my jokes haven't got any better and so they don't quite get what it is about me being so upbeat for. Sometimes even if I tell them they give me a sideways look. I have lots of messages about "being strong" well I suppose I intend to. The post before sort of alludes to this because of the 5 years of this now. Amazingly it is 5 years this July and around about this time 5 years ago I started my dream job - one I thought would see me through to retirement easily. It was somewhat unfortunate that it didn't - I'd still loved to have been there but as curiosity and serendipity would have it I'm hoping to work with them providing their solution to the new business and one of the guys I used to work for may actually help us in a Joint Venture too so how bad is that?

I have to say the thought of an operation isn't great - I intend to see if I can get an "in and an out" on the same day if possible - I will ask for it - I do hate the experience and after the last time - where I had a terrible, terrible experience - I want to ensure that I never go through that particular experience ever again. I've told my Consultant what I thought about it and will make sure that everyone is aware this time too.

I already can feel a prickle on the back of my left hand where the cannula goes :-( That's the worst bit really - well unless they stick a catheter in which is probably on the same level of hatred. However, it's what needs to happen - I can't stop it, I can't make it go away and I have to go through with it so the die is cast and that's your lot basically. What else are you going to do?

So now - I think it's just got to be what it's got to be and lets get on with it and sort things out as soon as possible. Sure it's inconvenient and all that good stuff but at the end of the day - they'll patch me up, fix me up, dust me off and send me on my way and that will be that. I'll live to fight another day and lots of my friends didn't get that opportunity they didn't get the option. For their sakes as well as my own - I really shouldn't be down or in anyway negative about the situation I'm in. I still get to see my family and friends and that's a big, big positive.

If you don't know

You don't know - so many of my friends are really worried about me but they don't need to be. I've a fair way to go before they have to worry about me :-) If they find this little red spot is cancerous then they can treat it and I can have all sorts of things done. If those don't work then perhaps I'll have to lose the bladder. If that happens - I should still be able to live (and possibly beat my mates at drinking games too!). I'm in a happy place because I don't need to turn up at my doctors in 10 years time to find a huge lump that's metathesized into my body and will end up being really difficult to treat and may hasten my inevitable demise.

I spend quite a bit of time telling everyone that's things are going to be OK - because they will. It's the nature of the beast....

I've said it before that if you actually got to choose your cancer then Bladder Cancer isn't so bad because they keep their eye on you for the rest of your life - if they see anything they sort it out. That can't be bad at all can it?

Maybe my 5 years worth of this stuff is now paying off and I'm like those people I complained about 5 years ago who treated this like it was an everyday occurrence! I couldn't believe the matter of fact attitude then - now I "get it"

It's probably a good thing to be a little frightened about cancer - that's only natural. Those who've never had it find it difficult to understand why I'd be quite so upbeat about having to get this red spot biopsied.

Light of Day

I'm in a good place this morning. Things look fine, life's back to normal (well what we describe as normal in this house) and I'm happy that I've had a good night's sleep and that I can now rationalise where I am.

I'm now thinking about what response I need to make in relation to this news. By that I mean that my medical team are going to do an operation, take biopsies and come up with a plan what they want to do. Likewise, I need to come up with a plan about what I need to do. The trouble with Bladder Cancer is that it can recur and it can be treated but can I do anything, in myself, to stop it? I've changed my lifestyle - but have I changed it enough? Those are the questions I need to ask myself now.

My GP of a few years ago, sadly now no longer at the practice - I got on with him really well - suggested to me that I don't live like a Hermit. That lifestyle changes needed to be balanced. I had managed to flip into the most frugal diet when I should have been eating to repair myself. So I'm going to spend a little time mulling over what I am going to do to take charge of the situation myself.

It isn't as disappointing or upsetting as you may think it is - if you know this disease - you know this can happen but it isn't like when I was diagnosed when it had been growing inside me unknown about and was a major problem when the symptoms arrived. This is a small red patch that they can't identify from a scope - early doors - easy to do something about.

No, I'm OK about this. Other's are having difficulty with it - I do my best to reassure them more that I have to reassure myself.

Hiding the disappointment

I'm pretty disappointed but I'm not in a bad place at all. I'm kind of resigned to where I am but I've decided to think about why I've got a recurrence and what I should do about it.

In a way I'm a passenger but I wonder if I should get myself into a different regime once again. I will take a few days to figure things out - a good night's sleep will help and see if my head levels everything out and see what it all looks like in the morning.

Oh Dear

Mmm, well a possible recurrence - they found a small (tiny) red raised area. So I've now got to go in and get a rigid cystoscopy perhaps in a month or so. I'll just have to wait and see what it is and what they are going to do about it.

I'm a little disappointed of course but after all, this is what the check ups are meant to resolve.

So now to just relax a bit - I'm stinging a little as the doctor was poking around a little bit more than usual.

So the journey changes again and once they've worked out what it is (I think we all know what it is) then we'll know what to do about it.

Well here we are

Less than an hour away. I shaved and showered, check list is completed and my bag contains a light dressing gown, water, Ibuprofen, Paracetamol, my Kindle (e-Reader) my MP3 player is plugged into earphones and in my ears keeping me breathing nicely. I have my sandals and I'm drinking coffee after a light breakfast and also a pint of water before I go - it's important to be hydrated so I had a few pints of water last night just so I'm ahead of the game today as I need to be passing water through to minimise the effects of the scope.

It's a 20 minute walk from here - but I will allow 30 minutes and take it easy. a 9:15 appointment probably means it is the first one so if I get there a few minutes early it may make things easier for them and for me.

I have enough things to read or listen to if I am delayed. I feel a little heightened and a little stressy - not surprising I suppose. It is a lovely day outside and I need to remind myself that not everyone is as lucky as I am to be on the other side and being checked.

Not Long to go Now

Mmm,

I've been out tonight and had a couple of beers with the lads. It is the last night of Lodge of Instruction and the next one isn't until 26th September (I think). Our last Lodge meeting is Saturday and that's us done until November!

I'm pottering around at the moment, have sorted out some drink to take with me to Hospital. Will also drink a few pints of water before bed - I want to be well hydrated tomorrow so as to ensure that I can give a sample on arrival and also to make sure that I pee a lot during the day after the procedure. You need to do this to sort of get over the cystoscopy.

I'm feeling neutral at the moment, perhaps a little nervy but not as bad as I was earlier today.

I really hope for a good outcome and these days I'm not going for the negative vibes before going in. I used to do that because then I'd be ready for anything. But - who am I kidding doing that now? Sure - I will be devastated if it isn't good news but - I'll have to roll with that.

I have a lot of issues about having had cancer and that is the worry that perhaps I'll get some other form of it or this will come back and "get me". Anyway - I'll see how I get on tomorrow - I hope that I'll be fine and also hope that things will be OK again. I'm half committed to not doing any work tomorrow as a sort of reward - I'll see how I am on my return.

Not much better

I think it's OK to be on edge a bit before heading off for Judgement Day. I'm definitely distracted and my mind is wandering off a fair bit as I'm trying to work.

I've written my list of things to do ready for tomorrow. I've had another bizarre call with the GPs today. They don't know quite what the note on my prescription form was all about I need to call back tomorrow (no chance of that) or perhaps Wednesday to find out what they want! It couldn't have been mega urgent then - they thought it might be a call to come in and see the nurse or some such thing. Ho hum.

It's been another bad week - had another 2 deaths this week one an old member of the Lodge and one the wife of a deceased member. There just appears to be one after the other this month - I think it is 3 this month, 2 last month and well January was just awful!

Anyway - it looks as if I'll be fretful all the way up to the Peek and Poke tomorrow. Let's hope that works out OK and I can get my head back in gear!