Curry with friend

And we got around to talking about his Dad's death a few months ago and mortality and how it was about 5 years ago that I got the news etc. It wasn't a maudlin type of conversation, more a review of how life is and how easily it can be taken away. His Dad being a case in point. He died very suddenly and he wasn't ever ill or showed any signs. OK - now - it was a godsend that he died quickly, knowing that his widow was taken care of - he was worried about that as they took him away in the Ambulance. He thought about others before himself even at that trying moment.

He died from a stroke that affected his Brain Stem - that was it - we discussed the whole thing and the view that when he saw his father moments after he had died how it wasn't him, there was no life there. It's a sobering thought that all my close friends have lost their fathers and yet my dad is still alive. I am going to my Uncle and Aunt's 60th Wedding Party this weekend and like I've stated before - I go to these but my Mum and Dad and my Brother don't. It's a shame really. Whilst I can't say that I'm bosom buddies with my kid brother, I think I'd get my arse together and go see him for an anniversary or key moment. As you may recall, neither my brother or my parents turned up for my 50th birthday. I suppose I should be a bit more "hurt" than I am about that but, like the conversation I had tonight, I really can't be arsed to get upset about it anymore.

I feel good and bad about that all at the same time. My Mum would come at the drop of a hat and maybe I ought to offer to sort that out but Dad would just whinge and she wouldn't want to leave him on his own.

I HATE the idea of getting old and I hate the feeling that I am turning into my father too.

We, Mrs. F., A and L will go to the party this weekend - we will face the usual questions about how come my parents aren't there or my brother but we will be and that's important. They think I'm seriously ill. My cousin, their daughter, has had Breast Cancer and she and I are kindred spirits - we have the "life mantra" let's do it now before it's too late and all that :-) I keep trying to tell them I'm fine but I think - given the family history - and the experiences most have with the "Big C" that they look on the two of us as little miracles! :-)

Anyway - I am annoyed but understand why my parents and brother don't go to these things but you'd have thought, as it's family and very rare that they'd come along. After all, being very blunt about it, it may be the last chance my father and his brother actually get the chance to meet each other. I think it's sad but then again, I don't really see eye-to-eye with my brother and I suppose you could look at it in the same way. My only redeeming feature is that at least I go up and see my parents and make myself available to meet him - even if he doesn't want to meet me.

Families are shit sometimes aren't they?

Quiet Time - Before the Storm I bet

All gone quiet here at the moment. Most of the work is done but my business partner needs to work on something that will then free me up like a cork out of a Champagne bottle! There's lots of little things to be done at the moment and the little stuff takes up a lot of time. The other problem is that each relies on something of its predecessor and so we have bottlenecks and it isn't easy to do parallel working at this stage in the business.

It's exactly one year ago since we started - we commenced with 6 (4 founders +2) and we are now at around 5 but 2 of the original founders are not with us. that really has cost us at least 6 months if not more as we have had to fill in for those missing people and replace them too.

I'm busying myself with work on the business plan and tidying up what I've already done and hopefully we will be able to bring it together in the next two months or so. Then we will see if we are barking mad or have something that someone will want to invest it.

Things are quiet at the moment - I doubt that will last very long at all.

All be over this time next week

And I'll either be languishing in Hospital or be home. I hope the Latter.

I'm getting little bursts of not being happy about going in but nothing too bad. I never have liked Hospitals and maybe I'll count up the number of times I've been in after this trip in. It's probably 8 or 9 times I think.

It is almost getting to my record of when I was a kid - I think that was 11 times in total for my Ears, Nose Throat and goodness knows what else. It's amazing there is anything left of me to cut away :-)

All good fun - not :-)

One Week To Go

Funny how I looked at my watch and thought - this time next week. In fact it will be this time next week when I'll be climbing into my operating gown and setting myself up for a series of consent forms, BP readings, talks with Consultant, Anaesthetist and Registrar plus the Nurses. I try and keep myself to myself, I am not one of these people who natter away with small inane chitter chatter. I far prefer to get myself into a zone where I am in my own world, listening to music and then a little later just waiting for the tell tale sound of clogs and trolley when they come to get you. Invariably, I've been sitting for around 2 (or more sometimes) hours by the time that comes and in a way it is a bit of a relief as you know that you're on your way to the theatre and thereafter, its one minor pain in the hand and that's you out of it for a while.

But that's a week away :-)

A little too much to drink

Yesterday - we carried on and had a few too many - not that I was particularly hung over you understand but the funny thing was that I got a call today and we met up again for a couple of beers at lunch time. Well, thank goodness I don't have too many occasions to drink or have large meals again until September when the season kicks off again. The odd meeting here and there which I can cope with but, luckily, not too much else.

That will allow me to continue dropping weight and keeping to my diet.

Mrs. F. has managed to find some Quark Cheese. I'll try it out later this week when I finish off the cottage cheese and I can report on what it is like. It certainly has next to no sodium or salt in it which is good.

My Aunt called to make sure that I'd be OK to go to her party next week - which I will. It's funny how people think you are at death's door when of course you're not. It was surprising how many people were quite seriously worried about me yesterday, you'd have thought I was going to have something amputated :-) It's very strange what I think is acceptable and what they do.

Nice Surprises

My suit, the one I use for Lodge meetings fits :-) Just three weeks ago it was almost cutting me in half and I couldn't wear either of my waistcoats because they wouldn't button up. This morning, my shirt felt loose around my neck, my trousers are a snug but not uncomfortable fit and my waistcoat and jacket actually do up. Three weeks ago I couldn't do the buttons up as they hardly met. It's nice surprises like that which are the most welcome - it just shows how much weight I've lost in the past few weeks.

Yesterday Steve Kelley dropped me a note that if I could find Low Sodium Cottage Cheese, that would be even better for me especially as I am under treatment for high blood pressure (not that you can call it high now). Despite lots of research we cannot find it at all but what we did find was that Quark is readily available and that has just traces of salt and sodium. So that will go on the list in place of Cottage Cheese. Having said that, I do eat a fair bit of Cottage Cheese anyway as part of my diet and so I might just balance that or throttle it back as I'm having 6 tablespoons every morning and probably 4 at lunchtime. I'll record what happens on this as we go.

However, the good news is that I'm obviously losing weight and feeling good, blood pressure is nicely stabilised at 130 over 90 or less than that almost all the time.

A week and 2 days to go until I need my Rigid Cystoscopy, I really hope that they don't decide to pull me around as much as they did last time :-( I still look back at that as worse than having the original tumour cut out in the first place.

It's coming up to 5 years in July - 5 years and yet the trouble really happened around about now 5 years ago. I spotted a couple of bits of blood in my urine but thought it was to do with lifting about the heaviest thing I'd ever lifted up and down the stairs. Within weeks, all that was to change. Wow 5 years - I can hardly believe it has been that long. What a ride!

Exercise went on hold tonight

I was on an emergency errand. My friend's mother lives locally and I made sure that she has my number so that if she needs anything she can get me, or one of my other friends who lives locally. It was actually OK to give up my exercise as I decided to walk there and back which was quite good - I suppose it is 20 - 25 minutes walk and so I managed to get a good 40 to 50 minute walk in place of exercising on the cross trainer.

It was a simple thing to fix. the Freeview box wasn't responding so after checking the batteries in the remote and being an IT Bod myself, I just cycled the power to the box or as they say in the call centres "Turn it off and on again" and hey presto it worked so I was there all of 5 minutes. On the way home Mrs. F. drove straight past me :-) Not that I wanted a lift of course.

I'm out tomorrow to a Lodge meeting and it will have been a year since I gave up the Secretaries job. It will be nice tomorrow as I have a guest and he and I can sit back and enjoy the meeting and I don't have to do anything. It's quite pleasing in a way and we have a healthy lunch too - a salmon salad - which will be nice. But can I resist the temptation of the cheese and biscuits when they come around? If the Brie is beginning to run and the Stilton is ripe too I may have a problem. Perhaps I will forgo my desert and have a little bit of cheese - how I miss it :-) Anyway - I'm sure I don't have to live like a hermit and can treat myself once in a while!

Two Weeks On

And the FOCC addition to my diet appears to be working in small ways. I have lowered my blood pressure to normal levels which is pretty impressive. I was amazed that it was "normal" at the Hospital although it was a bit high at the GPs. The daily readings I do show a marked improvement and looking back to last year and before it is like falling off a cliff.

I can certainly feel better and circulation is markedly improved as is my skin. Because I'm also eating far more fibre and vegetables and fruit - there is also an improvement in digestion.

Yes - I'm pleased about doing this - Mrs. F. isn't wild about the cost of the Flax Seed Oil but at £9 for 2 weeks worth it isn't so bad. The Flax seeds and the Cottage Cheese aren't that expensive so it evens out. I've made myself a batch of lentil soup which is pretty wicked - I used red lentils, mushrooms, carrots, tomatoes, mint and a handful of other herbs and spices. It's got a fair old kick to it :-) I'm eating no bread, margarine, cheese, cakes, biscuits etc. I'm having plenty of fruit and salads, oily fish, hummus, cottage cheese, fish sticks, soups and the occasional jacket potato.

I'm exercising at least every other day - although I've done everyday this week so far. I'll probably not do Saturday as I am out. Around 30 minutes at a time and trying to get to 7.4kM or above (around 4 miles or more). I'll not try for my target 5 miles (8kM) for a while until I lose a bit more weight and strengthen my legs a bit. I tend to then do a series of stretches and exercises for 5 minutes afterwards with some small dumbells that allow me to stretch down.

I then go and cool down a bit and take one or two Blood Pressure readings and record those - hence I get a good view on blood pressure and pulse. This is really useful to keep the habit going. I must remember to also measure my weight, waist, chest for my weight loss chart. I forgot last week (I only do it weekly).

Whilst exercise sucks (A phrase I have no hesitation in stealing from fellow sufferer Steve Kelley Thanks Steve), it does make a difference and it's no use dieting without putting in some exercise as well. I've made it a habit and that's part of the trick to it. It is so easy not to do it but make it part of a routine and also understand the benefits (not always apparent as you struggle for breath and find yourself sweating like crazy, slightly red in the face and tired out at the end of a session). How anything that makes you like that is good for you I have no idea :-) Anyhow, you don't need many sessions to see what a difference it makes. I've probably lost one notch on my belt size this past 2 weeks as well as feeling much better.

Still sucks though :-)

How it's described in writing

So the copy letter of my flexible cystoscopy came through today. It describes it as a "Slightly raised, red, very small area on the posterior bladder wall". Also that the urine cytology showed bacterial overgrowth. I think that means is was probably contaminated. It certainly wasn't the usual type of pot I use and I also wondered about the "wisdom" of me taking it in over a weekend?

Anyhow, yesterday's was all OK and they took the sample at the flexible cystoscopy and did cytology on that. So I think it can only have been contamination rather than a reflection of what's up with me!! :-)

So we will have to wait and see what they make of this very small area - it may be something to do with treatment but who knows - it is too early to speculate.

So much to do

So little time to do it in. It's really difficult there being just two of us in the business as we have to do everything. We have a new guy, a very good friend of mine who will get involved as our Commercial man - he and I go back 38 years - so we kind of trust each other :-) However, he cannot do what we need to as it is more about the internal detail of the next phase and it's in our heads not out on paper. So it's down to us.

We've worked so hard this past year especially as we went from 4 to 2 of us and these little bits and pieces of work are taking a long time - it often happens - the bulk of the work is done and just needs checking and these tiny little bits of detail take a while to do.

Not to worry - I'm feeling up for the challenge now especially as I've a few weeks to burn away before going into Hospital.

Blood Pressure

I am really pleased about my Blood Pressure readings. They are plummeting and I even managed to have a normal reading at the Hospital so things really are getting seriously better.

I've been on a part of the Budwig Diet for just under three weeks. In that time, my skin and circulation has felt better and my blood pressure appears to have come down significantly. There are other noticeable differences which, let's just say, a more fibrous diet appears to have improved too.

I'm trying to keep away from sugar, starches, high fat products, preserved meats and I'm generally eating far more fruit and veg with quite a bit of fish, lots of cottage cheese and lots of soups. I have all sorts of dried fruit and nuts too. The only thing that's taking time is to wean myself off artificial sweeteners which appear to receive a bad press. I'm using some syrup naturally pressed from fruit but after trying it in my coffee found the taste not to my liking - it is great with FOCC Flax Seed Oil and Cottage Cheese. What I have now started doing is to mix the FOCC, add some milk to make it less thick then pour it over breakfast cereal, Weetabix or Bran Flakes or Cheerios all of which just help to make it a breakfast rather than eating a gritty thick cream.

I'm really pleased at the way it is all going, I hope that today's blood test may also show good improvement. As the Tesco Advert says "Every Little Helps" too right it does.

Pre-Assessment

Went better than expected. Blood pressure of 143 of 93 was the lowest ever recorded there and although heart rate was 120 I managed to deep breath it down to around 100 eventually.

ECG was fine albeit heart was racing again. The nurse knows me well and did my blood test in seconds - she is very good and knows that all I need is to take it easy and not get any sudden shocks. The Doctor was very late so I didn't leave for at least an hour after when I normally do - in normal circumstances I'm in and out in around 30 or 40 minutes. I note that I was second to be seen today but as it is quite a wait until I go in I don't think I can read much into that at all.

Home to a nice cup of coffee (which I didn't have before I went!). Had my FOCC for breakfast and quite a bit of water to make sure I could provide a urine sample on demand at the Hospital.

So we are all set for the 20th June now. My GP can now also have copies of my blood results and hopefully all will be well. Which is what the Doctor said after examining me - not heard that before. They'll make a decision based on those results? So all done, once again. Good old MP3 player as well as I was able just to relax with that - I should perhaps have taken my Kindle too as that would have helped me calm down. Being late on my way home I got caught in a shower - which wasn't meant to arrive until tomorrow :-) Mmmm

Hospital in the morning

At least it isn't the crack of dawn this time and so I can get up about 7:30, do some exercises and then breakfast and head off for my appointment. It's a pleasant walk there and back and if they get to see me quickly I'll be happy enough. At least I don't need to get two blood tests - I will be interested to see what the results are like though - I wonder if they are much lower than they were pre FOCC?

Once tomorrow's out of the way I'll be happy and then can just wait until the 20th hits for the operation itself.

I hate going to the Doctors

For obvious reasons in my case I hate going to the Doctors - I associate it with being ill and I hate the heat in the waiting room and the doctor's room. Why is it always so hot? I was sweating by the time I left - that is how hot it was.

So - Blood Pressure - through the roof . My readings - pretty good especially Diastolic which have come down substantially in the past few weeks. They had wanted to see me in January but they were a little concerned over some of the results in my blood test. Some bits were high - not alarmingly high. We worked out that the fasting bit I had managed to over do a fair amount and was probably de-hydrated too - considering that I probably didn't have anything from 9pm in the evening until about 11 or 12 the next day it isn't surprising but. I have a pre-assessment tomorrow so they'll be able to share data. the other reading that was high was my Triglyceride - which is interesting. As it was Christmas I am guessing I probably pigged out on some cakes and stuff around that time. I don't now of course and I'm on the FOCC first thing every morning - it will be interesting to see if things are better now given that I don't touch bread, cakes, biscuits and the like but I am ingesting Flax Oil - I'll be interested to see what happens on that.

I did early exercise this morning and measured my BP, printed and took that down to the GPs so they could see what the difference is in my home BP readings and those at the GPs. I intend to do the same tomorrow and also to make sure that I take a copy for the Hospital too.

So - there you have it - I really hate the doctors but at least I know one thing - the protocol I'm on now should help me to get my body back into some sort of balance. My diastolic blood pressure has dropped significantly in the past 2 or 3 weeks - much lower than I've ever seen it and my systolic seems to be coming down too - not as much as the diastolic but enough to convince me that continuing with FOCC and exercise and my diet which is pretty much free of anything like bread, cakes, cheese, butter or margarine, ham and processed foods is worth continuing and seeing where it takes me.

Tuesday morning

it's about 0:50 Tuesday morning - I have to go and see the Doctor in the morning but got involved in reading an interesting article and my brain is now racing - I want to get up early tomorrow and may have queered that by staying awake and probably not getting to sleep for a few hours with my head like this.

I am in a better frame of mind - I think last week's little wobble just brought back the bad thoughts around whether we were barking mad going off to set up the business. I guess that happens a lot but we really didn't need the "alternative approach" lecture last week - we know that - however it has meant we have re visited it briefly and done a stop and check - met a few very trusted people and actually feel that we probably are on the right track. It means losing another one of our passengers but hey ho - we will just have to sort that out as we go -perhaps it is for a reason.

I'm not at all sure about going to visit the Doctor tomorrow - I think it could be "interesting" but let's see - if it is just a BP check and a chat then perhaps I'll manage with that. I've plenty of other stuff to be thinking about and that's not helping settle me of course.

Oh well best be off and see if I can get some sleep.

Apprehension

Is exactly what I'm feeling - it's 00:15 Monday morning - I'm awake, I'm trying hard to be positive this week and yet I don't feel positive at all. I think the impact of last week's set back on the business still shook me and I spent a lot of time at the weekend trying to rationalise that.

It's a matter of stepping up once again and really getting a grip of the stuff we have left to do. The biggest disappointment has been people. In fact all along it's been people. We've suffered from a lack of commitment or, as in last week's case, through some strange behaviour. Invariably the 6 people who started last year's journey went to 4 and is now definitely 2. I think that there's a bad taste about it too as the risk is all ours, in a way we knew it would be but not to this depth. It's frightening that they've let it go when they were so enthusiastic. I think if it had been me I would have tried hard to stay involved and to do something, no matter how little it would be.

Oh well - another day tomorrow and hopefully when Tuesday and Wednesday are out of my system I feel better:

Tuesday is a review with my GP - it is very early in the morning so we can get that out of the way. Wednesday is Pre-Assessment day and again early enough that I can be home around mid morning. I am quite worried about both of them and I think it is just a combination of the way things are at the moment. I'm having one of my feeling down moments. I'll spring back, I always do.

My fear is that I may be getting like my dad and starting to get this anxiety streak. I hear myself sometimes and pull myself back into check. I feel his frustration - I too hate getting old and having had cancer it throws many worries into your head (justified or not). Many of these are not nice scenarios - you play through what-ifs and off you go into a bad place. I'm reasonably good at policing myself, I'm reasonably good at being upbeat but you must have these occasional blips - it's natural.

Talking of natural - I'm really pleased that I'm continuing to eat more fruit and veg and my FOCC in the morning and I've started to begin to feel the benefit - I must remember that I need to keep at it and not to fall back into the trap that I did after the last visit to the Hospital where they beat me up so bad that I fell out of the habit of exercising.

Weekend - Respite

I shall leave work alone (if I can) and just try and chill out a bit :-)

Last night's end of season supper was very nice indeed and thoroughly enjoyed it. Yesterday we were sat at a Costa in the next town north of here. The windows were open, it was a lovely day and the convertibles were out, Bentley, Porche, Lexus, Ferarri, Chrysler and all sorts - it was almost continental. Surprising factoid? There are more convertibles per head in the UK than in the US. Not surprising for a country that has only the weather as a main topic of conversation.

I've been on this FOCC "diet" for over a week now - I actually noticed that I've lost a fair bit of weight already as I fitted comfortably into a shirt that was tugging around the middle two weeks ago. That's encouraging. Also still noticing that skin and circulation appear to be really good. The funny thing was at last night's supper - it must have been the largest meal I've had for a long time as I could barely eat it all - and a lot of it was salad.

End on a funny - might as well publish it here for a laugh. Flocky Bicep calls me on his way to work with a strange request. He is going to be passing the house and needs to pop in to see me. His day involves going to work then getting changed into a formal suit and driving off to a meeting and on the way back he pops in to see us at the Supper.

The reason he needs to pop in and see me? He's forgotten to pack any socks! :-) As luck would have it, there was a spare pair of dark socks I could lend him!! Strange but true..

Strange Day

So I wake at 04:30 and cannot get back to sleep - my mind is racing and eventually I give in at 5:00 and get up. I delay breakfast until 6:30 but I am wide awake and not in a "good place". Not a good place because of the meeting on Wednesday. Have I been wasting my time? Did I just spend a year of my life going nowhere?

Well - no I didn't. Not at all. But the seed of doubt was sown and I'm not strong enough (still - though I used to be) to quash this. However, my partner and I are convinced that the due diligence we have done is good - perhaps we aren't communicating it properly.

Tonight we get a chance to let our hair down a bit and have an evening of food, wine, good fun, a few beers and that's just great as it relieves the pressure and I get a weekend to reflect.

My business partner is very generous and drives us to and from the event and we partake of a few beverages :-)

The day is an up and down one - we hit every emotion and every high and low - but we still come out on top.

Next week is not great for me - but perhaps - I just ought to reflect that it could be worse, a lot worse :-)

FOCC one week in

Well - I've stuck to the morning ritual of grinding flax seeds, mixing Flax Oil and Cottage Cheese and as time has gone on, I've added a little milk and then put that onto some breakfast cereal and that seems to work extremely well. The slightly bitter taste of the mixture compliments the cereal.

My blood pressure is all over the place - I'm not absolutely certain what is going on. I've decided that I need to keep my eye on this as I am due into see the GP on Tuesday and the then have my Pre-Assessment on Wednesday. I may resort to exercising in the morning rather than the evening. In the evening, when I exercise my blood pressure is lower by some margin.

I'm feeling fine, I certainly feel that my skin is warmer to the touch and I feel quite well in myself. I have no idea if anything else has changed in the past week but I'm going to keep on with this regime, it isn't strenuous and with the exercise and diet - I can begin to feel the benefits. Unfortunately there is a large evening meal coming up tomorrow - but after that - perhaps I can have a few months without the big meals and drinks.

After yesterday's meeting, my colleague and I are left feeling a little flat and a little deflated. In a way, it is because we got a "different story" this time from one of our advisers - different to what he told us some time ago. The trouble is we were working on that advice and now it has changed. It was a strange day and we just need a bit of time to regroup and take stock. It is always difficult when we want to do something "right" but there is a "quick and dirty" way that you might be forced to go in to cut corners to get to the same place. If we do that, we know we have to then change the business later to put it back the way it should be which makes you wonder why you'd do that :-)

Interestingly one of the comments was that we may need to move to the US to get funding? Hmmmmm. Anyway - it has knocked us sideways a bit but we just need to dust ourselves off and review where we go next.

Phew - Mum said there's be days like this

Strewth. That was hard going and justifiably so. We had our first review of our finances today and got royally torn apart - good job in a way as we deserved to and knew that was going to happen. The reason is simple, we have been working, just the 2 of us, flat out for close to a year now on this opportunity. Some say we are too detailed, some not detailed enough and everyone's an expert in this sort of stuff. Today though was a real test of the work we have done so far.

It's kind of scary as we were taking it all quite well and then something turned up we weren't expecting which has thrown us a bit - not in a bad way but the desired effect is that we need to stop for a short while, consider what we have just heard and then go back to the drawing board and alter a couple of our plans. It isn't as drastic as it sounds because we have structured everything to be able to be altered. It just means that we will probably add another month onto our workload.

It's at times like this that you realise just how out on a limb we are. I'm off to the Jazz Night tonight so can let that wash over me and return refreshed tomorrow.