Dignosed 5 years ago today

I knew by this time of day 5 years ago that I had Cancer and it was and wasn't a shock all at the same time. I knew that I'd need an operation and fast and I remember the stinging following the flexible cystoscopy which I realise now was due to the blood in my urine more than anything else and I guess that I'd never been scoped before. These days I'm an old hand at it having had in excess of 37 of these things shoved up my urethra.

So another milestone reached and in a way it's quite a bizarre coincidence that my father may be diagnosed today after his scan. I hope he hasn't to deal with the sort of shock I did those 5 years ago.

He has had a further scan or XRay this morning and so we hope to hear something today about what is wrong with him.

Something Else that Afffects Your Bladder

I never really got drugs - alcohol and cigarettes and cigars - yes but I never ever liked or even fancied a go at anything else.

Here is a sobering story - I hope you can catch the video here.

"A review into the horse tranquillizer ketamine by the Independent Scientific Committee on Drugs is to say that recreational use of the drug appears to be a growing problem.

Although it is not calling for ketamine to be reclassified, the committee is suggesting that the drug is wrongly classified as being less harmful than ecstasy and cannabis.

Ketamine is now the fourth most popular recreational drug in the UK and in extreme cases, use of it can lead to severe bladder damage.

The lad in the story/video had his bladder removed at 18 years old and replaced by a bag for around a year. The worse the symptoms got, the more he took the drug.

Goodness knows what problems will come along after that - if it hit your bladder it's bound to have an affect on kidneys and elsewhere.

Phew - yuk, ohhh, turned me over just listening to it. The stuff some people shove into themselves is just bizarre.

Christopher Francis is currently serving time in Ford Open Prison. Here he explains how his use of ketamine led to his bladder having to be removed."

All about Dad at the moment

The scan was inconclusive (it that's a real word) and apart from a possibly enlarged gall bladder - they cannot see anything. It looks as if the want to do another scan tomorrow and check the back of that area, no endoscope (for now) which I imagine will please him :-)

Doing well as are my mum and my brother and sister-in-law have stepped up to the plate too which is good. Spoke to mum and she is sort of OK about it and even Dad seems resigned to it now - he is a "little confused" but then he is 80 and has never been in a hospital before (as far as we know) and so it's all a little new and a little bit uncomfortable for him. I know I hate it and he is far more sensitive to this stuff than I am.

I'm a bit more relaxed about things now having had a very bad night on Monday I've managed to sort things out. Tonight my Nephew came along and took me out for a beer which was really nice. I haven't seen him for ages - he's been jetting between here, New York and Tampa for months but looks as if things have settled and he is back here for a while now.

A good chat with him and my business partner about dad has also helped me sort myself out. I feel a bit sorry that I may have burdened them but then again, they've both done that to me in the past and a year ago you may recollect I was pouring said nephew out of a bar in London and into a cab after a night on the town that I'd really like to forget.

Oh well - all is well and it's time for bed - dad is OK and tomorrow we may find out what's wrong with him. I pray it isn't what I worry that it is and that it is something a lot simpler to sort out. Let's hope so.

Good Spirits

Well - dad's in good spirits - laughing and joking with nurses and mum so that's good. I just spoke to her and she is all OK at the moment - or sounds it and they'll go off and see him. I've done the hospital check list for them and all is OK there. He awaits his scan later today.

He's not in pain and seems to be and feel fine which is good, not been losing weight or appetite. Mum says in 57 years she's known him this is the first time she's seen him give blood or been in a hospital. I'd say that's a result as I said to my kid brother - having been in 10 times in 5 years and perhaps more than 20 times in my life, I'd say he was overdue for a trip in.

Also found out that he's been looking a "bit yellow" for more than a week - typical bloke - don't go and speak to the Doc until he looks like a human banana!

I'm sort of feeling stressed for him as I know what he is like - hopefully though, as long as they aren't pulling him about too much he'll be OK - I doubt he will like the blood draws and he wasn't amused that he'd probably be in for 3 days (at least).

Well - let's see how he gets on and what they find - no good second guessing them.

Good Sleep

Unfortunately - my brother was trying to get me at midnight but I wasn't answering emails or text messages. Dad was taken in overnight to hospital on the Doctor's orders after they got the blood tests back and he had to wait until 11 pm to get a bed and sit around in A&E none of which I imagine would have helped his state of mind - he hates hospitals and doctors more than I do and if you felt reading my blog that I have high anxiety sometimes, spare a thought for him as he really does have the most awful time and gets very stressed out - bless him.

So the thing that kept me up on Monday night has happened and he is in hospital and I just know how much he hates it. He wants to go home but, frankly, he needs to have these tests run and they need to find out what it is. I have my own theory but I'll keep that to myself.

I might as well be a million miles away for all the help I can give - I suppose I'd better prepare myself to be able to drop into the car at a moment's notice and get up there. Luckily my brother lives locally and his wife is predisposed to running the folks about as mum no longer drives and the hospital is a fair old way away from them.

Will have to see what challenges are coming his way later on today or tomorrow I guess. I just know how much he will be stressed our by all of this and so I'm really beginning to feel for him.

See how tonight is

I feel dog tired right now and after writing this I'm going to see if I can get to bed early and catch up on all the sleep I deprived myself of yesterday.

I can't do anything about what is going to happen and neither can I second guess it either! To bed :-)

Bloods Done

No problems - they took a whole armful by the sounds of it - 5 phials worth and results on Friday - he feels fine so that's good I suppose. Obviously not knowing what's wrong is a problem but he will find out on Friday and I imagine they'll scan him soon after that. It depends what the X-Rays and Blood tests show I guess.

I feel a bit better myself hearing that he's OK and actually managed to have a blood test. No use worrying I tell myself and we won't know until Friday and neither will he so - no use pre-empting things. I hope not to be worrying about it tonight and get some sleep and no doubt I'll be tired from being awake half of last night.

Mind you - it is my Dad I'm talking about - and I've only got one....

Horrible Night's Sleep

I was worried about my dad and his blood test today - my kid brother reckons it's the first time he's ever had his blood taken but I somehow doubt that very much - I think I remember him having it done about 9 or 10 years ago. However Jaundice in old age isn't a great sign and of course all it did for me was remind me of the terrible time I had and just brought back my memories.

I don't think I'd ever want anyone to go through what I did least of all my folks. I'm young enough to have gone through a lot of it but at 80 I'm not sure I'd be quite so resilient.

So first of all I couldn't get to sleep and then as I was dropping off I was having visions of hospital beds, drips, end of life scenes, funeral - it was awful. Sometimes I wish I could turn my head off - it launches into huge leaps of fantasy and into places I don't want it to go. I tried to think of other things and all it did was bring back the terror (I use that word on reflection) of some of the early days I had when I was ill and facing the unknown and potentially the thought that goes through every cancer diagnosis (I guess) - I'm going to die. I'm going to die horribly and all the baggage that goes with that sort of mentality. Luckily Mrs. F. told me to "get a grip" early on and I did. So I was haunted by all that and have had a couple of hours sleep. I feel reasonably OK actually - I thought I'd feel worse. I can't do anything about it and it will be what it will be.

My poor old dad though hates hospitals and doctors more than I do and I can just imagine his stress levels going through the roof. I suppose I'll just have to wait and hear what is happening and I have my scheduled call with my mum tomorrow so no doubt she'll update me some more.

Not Good

Had an email from kid brother. Apparently Dad isn't well and looks a bit jaundiced. Has been for X-Ray today, Bloods tomorrow (that will please him NOT - he hates all of that). Then I believe he will have to go for a scan.

I'll find out a bit more tomorrow or Wednesday I guess. I have to say that I felt dread as soon as I saw that. I guess I'm always on edge about these things knowing what I know. Of course it can be a number of things. Let's hope that it isn't what I'm thinking it might be.

Weekend Off Blogging

And good job too. Not much to say other than the dreams of the last few days have been amazing - I can't remember any of them except crashing my car which looked great in full technicolour complete with Mrs. F. in full stereo surround sound saying "I told you so" :-)

I'm still into my FOCC diet but I've changed it slightly. I now use 4 Tablespoons of Cottage Cheese to 2 of Flax Seed Oil and 1.5 of ground Flax Seeds. I then add a probiotic yoghurt into it to give it some fruity sweetness and then pour that over crushed weet-a-bix or over Cheerios. I toned it down as it is quite filling and quite fattening and I wanted to give myself a regular shot of this without sticking the pounds on. I've lost half a stone in the past 3 weeks or so which is encouraging and I'm beginning to be able to stick to a diet without interruptions like a few weeks ago when I vistied my local curry house 3 times in one week and the pub 3 times too! Doh! I also decided against using the soft cheese quark as it was quite a tart flavour. Whilst the cottage cheese does have salt in it, it is about the only thing that I eat that does and the falling off a cliff that my blood pressure measurements kind of tell me that salt, which I gave up years ago, isn't having the blood pressure issues I felt it might do. Long may that continue.

Work is getting a real pace on now - a few difficult days this week will see us on the home stretch - we have some serious figure work to resolve and some of the calculations aren't making sense to us. Once they are done the cork is out of the bottle because we've done most of the work.

What a Week it has been

I've worked pretty hard and I'm pleased with this week's work. Had a funny old evening on Tuesday and a bit of a wobble what with the chap with terminal bladder cancer all because he didn't go when he first got the symptoms. Then the anger when it came out in conversation that none of my immediate family had actually ventured down to see me in the 5 years I've been ill. I've made the pilgrimage to them when I can.

I'm sort of over that now but realised that there's a number of "demons" that I need to exorcise now that the 5 years are here. Not like "getting my own back" that isn't what I mean - it's more a case of getting angry about them and then moving on. I'm not planning to dwell on anything too long either as it's happened and it's in the past. What I need to do is get the monkey off my back and move on - I don't actually think I need to understand it or why it happened.

Looking forward, I'm pretty much happy that we have gone as far as we can with the business for now and that it needs to be tidied up and thrown out to see if anyone else believes what we do. This is not going to be easy - great idea that it is, it requires a sack load of cash to achieve it. If we go ahead it will be another huge change in my life but one that I will relish. The trouble would be how much time and commitment it will take to build the business but, then again, whilst I'm doing that I can't dwell on other stuff :-)

Productive Week

I have just finished a series of documents - the last one is close to 400 pages (yes 400). It surprised me as I've been building it for the past 4 years and it relates to all the sources of information that I've used to build the business and so it represents the provenance of how the business has been built this way.

It's 3:20 pm and my business partner has been lucky enough to go to the Open Golf this afternoon which I'm sure he'll love - I remember it being just amazing to watch the best golfers in the world thumping their way around Sandwich. I used to work there as well once upon a time - Sandwich not Royal St. George's :-) Pfizer had their huge place there until recently when they closed it with the loss of 3,500 jobs :-(

I think as he has gone there and I've finished 3 huge documents this week that I can take the afternoon off and go and watch the remainder of the day's golf.

Gosh - I was tired this evening

Have been thrashing away at a document for 3 (yes three) days and finally finished it. It was very detailed and needed a lot of concentration to ensure I'd got it all properly listed. Phew :-) I decided to tackle the most difficult jobs first and then work towards the easier ones - that way I'll get the boring and tiresome stuff out the way first and accelerate towards the finish post on the more enjoyable bits.

All that hard work made me feel pretty tired I can tell you. So I'd better get off to bed and be up ready to get on to the next area in the morning.

Sad News

My friend last night was telling me that his friend has been diagnosed with metastatic Bladder Cancer. He had blood in his urine and ignored it and continued to do so for some time. That's sad, really sad as I imagine if he had seen a Doctor straight away then it may have been a different story.

This has finally fixed in my mind something that I've known about for a long time. I'm extremely lucky to be here today and there is no doubt about that. I'd left it a few weeks but I wasn't absolutely sure what I had.

If you have blood in your urine or it is a strange colour - go to the doctor straight away because you are a long time dead! This poor guy has been given 6 months. I imagine there's a fair amount of "what if?" going on. I can't imagine what he is going through with this - it doesn't bear me thinking about but it does scream at me that early detection is the way forward.

A bit angry last night

I was a bit angry last night - unusual for me. I intend to get over that in the coming days and move on. It's been gnawing away at me for a while and I wonder what it would take before I could get my immediate family to come and see me. Probably I'd have to be on my death bed - and I'm not kidding either.

So I think I'll be a little bit seething for a while - I haven't "addressed it" until now preferring to think of it as an idiosyncrasy that my immediate family have - it's like allowing them their eccentricities and smiling about it but in reality, that's not it. I'll not be able to change them they are far too entrenched to change and in reality I am a million miles away from them now. It's sad but it's not one of those family feuds - we speak regularly a couple of times a week at least.

So there you go - I'll just have to move on and pull another monkey off of my shoulder.

Feeling a little bit bitter

Now forgive me for this, especially those of you who know me but, I was out tonight with my school chums. It's a lovely evening out and it is a strange evening as it dips back into our youth - when we were 10 or 11 years old and moves with some speed between then and now. My three friends have all lost their fathers and one has a mother who is not very well at all. We are all 54 (ish) years old.

We grew up together and I had a great dream about us all a few nights ago cycling and making dams and being crazy kids during our summer holidays - around the corner from here - in Sparrow's Wood. All summer we were out of the house, on our bikes, at the Lido, just out all the time - the sun always shone and we always got into and out of scrapes and just had the most wonderful adventures. There were no creepy people, no paedophiles, no drug lords and all that sort of shit. We just went around catching frogs, damming rivers (well streams really), riding bikes at break neck speed, leaping around the playground swings and slides and getting a great tan! I look back and think what a great time we had, no mobile phones, PCs, iPods, MP3 players, Sony Play-stations blah-de-blah......

I was so happy tonight - my friends and I drank my health - we remembered my friend's dad died at the time I was ill... Sad enough that I couldn't attend but all is forgiven especially as they now know how ill I actually was. 5 years...

But things got a little sadder because I recollect that on my birthday (and my friend and I shared as you may recall - our 50th in 2007) no one from my immediate family came. My Aunts and Uncles did and my cousins but not my parents and not my brother and his family. I wondered about this - I know my Mum would cut off her arm or leg to come but she was bound not to come along. I find it now with my daughter's birthdays. None of my immediate family have come to A's 21st or L's 18th but my wider family have and for that I am very grateful. My mother is truly mortified by this - I know that as I speak to her. My kid brother has always been a self centred person who has taken much but given back little.

My family, such as it is, is spread over a large geography and I don't expect anyone not local to be able to turn up - I couldn't get over to the US or NZ without lots of planning but you'd have thought, given 6 months notice your local blood could have? I mean 2 hours drive FFS!!!

I suppose that I must acknowledge that I am different to most of my family in that I would put myself out and go (even if it isn't my 'scene' to be there and make the 'best of it'). I could see the hurt in my friend's eyes tonight when one of them asked me why my parents and my brother weren't there at my 50th considering the shit year I'd had recovering from Cancer?

I write this as it arrived in conversation tonight - until I got home it hadn't really struck home what they said but you'd have to ask yourself why your parents didn't make the effort? As I said before - my Mum's not happy about it at all and I can hear it and I don't make a fuss about it. The thing is - and it does nag - what does it say about what my folks think about me that since I was diagnosed - no one has ever come down to see me at my home and my locality. I've always had to drive up to see them?

I'm living with it - well I've had to live with it. But only now 5 years on is it coming home to me that no one even came to see me when I was in Hospital or Recovering or did they put themselves out to do so. I had friends fly over to the UK to see me. Now you may see why I feel a little bitter about this. I mean I could have turned up my toes and died - I wonder if they'd have even come down to my funeral if I had?

Bitter? You bet, my friends and brethren from the Lodges I'm in have been top class as have my extended family but my kith and kin - perhaps through the horrible shock and trauma I have delivered at their door, perhaps not so. I can't be that pissed off as they are my family and I love them dearly but - sometimes you have to wonder....

As for my own little family unit - I am surprised that they have put up with me. I really am strengthened by A and L who have their mother's pragmatism and - I like to think - my sense of humour. We've had some good holidays since I was diagnosed and the girls really work hard and are rewarded in results from School and University. They have a good work ethic and are both socially responsible - giving to their community as youth leaders, I cannot want for a better family unit. I just feel that when I said I'd lost friends along the way that I'd also lost some of my family too. I don't blame them nor will it be a wall driven between us - that isn't fair either - I just find it hurtful that I defend my family's non-show all the time.

Sometimes I feel that getting Bladder Cancer made me but just f**ked up the rest of my life. I lost and made friends. I got great insights and lost other vectors on life. I became a better and a worse person all at the same time dependent upon how you knew me. I became humble and passive where before I may have been aggressive and assertive. If you knew me as one of those I probably became the other. This was my survival mode - I needed to be the way I was to survive and beat this pernicious disease that was coming to kill me. It was as if a nasty dream was being realised in real time, some scroat with a gun coming to kill me. How was I to react? Lay over and die? you don't know me then if you think I'd do that - I'd fight and I spoke like I was fighting and came out of my corner all aggressive - against my disease - not against my friends and family! Those who haven't had cancer don't get that. If you wish to live you fight you scramble, you claw, scratch and bite - live is worth hanging onto and sometimes - sod your friends and family because it's all about YOU - you need to survive you need to live - it's all about you and it's all about survival.

Well I'm going around in circles and not answering my own questions and statements - I'm so confused as I don't "get it". I don't understand why my immediate family are so distant - maybe they thought I'd die - maybe that would be OK for them. My poor old Mum who I speak to all the time is taking so much sh1t it isn't true probably would come see me at the drop of a hat but she is bound to my father and the local family. Honour :-)

It cuts me to the bone and yet I have so many good friends who spoil me and always wish me well - I just wish that my family would do something - I feel that they'd praise me to the rafters when I was dead. They just have no idea how to deal with me when I'm alive.

This is one of my rambling on blogs - I apologies to you for that. It's what it is like though - I remember watching the film Philadelphia with Tom Hanks - the one where he had Aids - it was tremendously powerful and portrayed the bigotry that a Gay Man suffered way back then. It is somewhat similar in tha cancer world - there's me - little miracle - still alive - no one understands that - as survivors - it is far more likely you'll meet people like me now - survivors and - wow - you can even talk to us too.

A joke from years ago:

A chap was driving along when he got a flat tyre. Stopping outside the mental institute he proceeds to take off the wheel nuts - putting them in the hub cap so as not to lose them. He takes off the flat tyre and brings the new one from the boot. He knocks the hub cap and the nuts roll down a drain and are lost. The driver is full of woe and holding his head wondering what to do.

An inmate suggests that the driver takes one nut off the remaining three wheels and drives to the local garage - obtains 4 more nuts and adds one to each wheel and he can be on his way. The driver is amazed and asks "how come you can think of that when my mind was a blank and work out that sort of logic when you are incarcerated here?"

The inmate looks at the driver, looks to the sky and says "look here my good man. We are mentally unstable not stupid!"

May I say I know just how he feels. I really love my kids - I'd be mortified if anything happens to them and I'd be there if anything happened. In the 5 years that I've been ill - I have had to be there for my folks - they've never got off their arses and come and seen me. It's all arse about face - for God's sake I was the one who was ill...

By The Way (BTW) it's great having Cancer because you can be really aggressively angry and everyone let's you :-) Let's go for it then shall we?

5 years I've been ill. I've been unable to drive my car, I've had 10% of my working life recovering from shit! I've had pipes shoved up my penis I've had all sorts of stuff happen that you would hate and not once have my parents or my sibling got off their bums and driven the 100 or 120 miles south to see me. NOT ONCE in 5 years. Angry? of course I'm bloody angry.

If I was your child/sibling would you have come and seen me once in all that time? Just once. They've never ever come and seen me. I suppose I should be beside myself but, as they are my "flesh and blood" and that I share the same genetic sh1t as they do I actually understand them - I don't get off my arse and do stuff sometimes - being a lazy git =- however, if my brother had of had this I'd have been up there offering to do driving and whatever his family needed. That is where we differ so much.

Bitter? Yes and No. I am and I'm not - I lived with these guys all of my formative years so I know what they are like. I look back and I'm just amazed that the only person who took any of this seriously is me!

Nuff said!

Seve

I missed the tribute to Severiano "Seve" Ballesteros Sota and so watched it on the BBC iPlayer this evening. He was a wonderful golfer as I'm sure you are aware and his fight with Brain Cancer played out in a programme not so long ago.

He was just a few months older than me. That brought me up short. Just a few months older. Somehow I never see myself as being that old - I mean 54 is no age to die is it?

The affect such things have on me isn't one of sadness or luck but it does make me consider how fortunate I am. His words were something along the lines of "don't feel sorry for me - I have had a wonderful life and had so much - many people are worse off than I am." That's the measure of the man and it was sad to see him in his latter days. However, you can't take away the enjoyment he gave to millions of fans around the world.

Sunday

Up late - spoken to the folks - decided that FOCC can wait until lunchtime and had some bacon, eggs and mushrooms as a treat and very nice too - forbidden stuff but tastes just great :-)

On the FOCC side I have no taken to adding my pro-biotic yoghurt into the FOCC mixture to dilute it before putting the whole mixture over some cereal. This makes it a little sweeter and adds a light fruit flavour to the mixture and that really makes a big improvement over just releasing the thickness with milk.

Today is a sports fest - the delayed Scottish Open is under way (I think) it will be a full on day as they have to complete Friday's second rounds - they've had localised flooding, landslips and all sorts to contend with. It is Davis Cup Tennis, Tour de France and Silverstone Grand Prix and if that wasn't enough there is Super Bikes on too plus GP2 and Porsche Super Cup. I feel a sit on my arse day coming up :-)

On the good news front A has sold one of her photographs (she's already sold some of her stunning painted chairs). Finally the photo of Brighton Pier has sold - I think it was a £50 one and there had always been a lot of interest in it. I'm sure Brighton Pier has many photos taken of it but she captured the complexity and beauty of the construction it looks as if it is a black and white shot when in reality, when you look closer it is a colour one. That's why photographers are different to most of us they have an eye for showing us something we didn't see when we looked at an object. Her exhibition work is packed up ready to go - it is interesting as she has spent quite a bit of money on the frames which are double sided glass so that you can see the work behind the photograph (these are the photos that have needlework on them). It is all encouraging stuff for her as an artist - I'm really pleased for her - she works so hard that she deserves to be rewarded and perhaps she can make a few more sales... She'll be able to keep her poor old ageing dad in his dotage :-)

Sometimes you just can't make it up

So L wants to sell her iPod and we put it on eBay and get a reasonable price for it and send it off. Punter drops us a line saying it doesn't work. We write back suggesting that it may need rebooting and that you don't push hard on the controls they need a light touch and also that you have to be a bit careful that you are pushing in the right area.

We get a half hearted apology back saying that he's bought it for his 5 year old who can't operate it and so wants a refund - which we arranged today and got the goods back. How on earth can a 5 year old operate something that is lightly touch sensitive and surely to goodness they aren't going to have the patience required or the good sense to look after it properly! Good grief. I hated doing eBay trading as so many people just didn't play by the rules or did things like this. We won't sell it again now as we can't be arsed frankly. Who wants to deal with idiots like that?

It is very good that I don't say what I think to these people :-)

Back Ache

Completely gone and normal service is resumed. A good day yesterday and lots of progress on the business front. Now to just buckle down and sort the business plan out.

As usual though I'm sat at my computer and really shouldn't be. I also realise that I should also be doing some other non business work too but have left it sitting in a pile by my desk - oooppps.

The fun of it all :-) Anyway a good day - Silverstone Grand Prix today and tomorrow so will look forward to that and try not to be computer bound all weekend.