I was worried about my dad and his blood test today - my kid brother reckons it's the first time he's ever had his blood taken but I somehow doubt that very much - I think I remember him having it done about 9 or 10 years ago. However Jaundice in old age isn't a great sign and of course all it did for me was remind me of the terrible time I had and just brought back my memories.
I don't think I'd ever want anyone to go through what I did least of all my folks. I'm young enough to have gone through a lot of it but at 80 I'm not sure I'd be quite so resilient.
So first of all I couldn't get to sleep and then as I was dropping off I was having visions of hospital beds, drips, end of life scenes, funeral - it was awful. Sometimes I wish I could turn my head off - it launches into huge leaps of fantasy and into places I don't want it to go. I tried to think of other things and all it did was bring back the terror (I use that word on reflection) of some of the early days I had when I was ill and facing the unknown and potentially the thought that goes through every cancer diagnosis (I guess) - I'm going to die. I'm going to die horribly and all the baggage that goes with that sort of mentality. Luckily Mrs. F. told me to "get a grip" early on and I did. So I was haunted by all that and have had a couple of hours sleep. I feel reasonably OK actually - I thought I'd feel worse. I can't do anything about it and it will be what it will be.
My poor old dad though hates hospitals and doctors more than I do and I can just imagine his stress levels going through the roof. I suppose I'll just have to wait and hear what is happening and I have my scheduled call with my mum tomorrow so no doubt she'll update me some more.
No comments:
Post a Comment