Little gestures

I've sent off a couple of Hugs to my folks - these are pillows with arms on them you can wrap around yourself - if I can't be there then these will be a gesture. Also sent off my badge from when I was ill that my friend bought me it says "Be gentle with me I'm poorly" and is in the shape of a hot water bottle - hopefully that will arrive tomorrow.

Dad should be home this afternoon from the Hospital and may even have the date for his operation. It is going to be a bigger one than they said but it may just make things that more comfortable for him. Let's hope so, he really could do with a couple of months of "me" time without all this sickness going on as well. I've no idea what they will do to him but to be in for two weeks sounds a bit "heavy".

I've got to press on with my stuff I suppose. L is home from Cambridge this weekend - she always cheers me up :-) I've a week full of things next week to keep me occupied and then we are ready to rock n roll and get things moving at last - what a long journey that has been.

Maybe I'll try and get up to see my folks later in November after he has had his operation and is back home. Now to build him up and hope that he keeps well enough to have the operation.

I feel quite bad tonight

Finally I begin to feel bad about things - I can hear it in my mums voice as it she contemplates the inevitable and my brother as he just sounds exhausted and tired. I've not had to live the day to day and it does affect me not being there, of course it does, it's inevitable that it would. Timing is pants too as I'm right on the cusp of getting things with the business sorted. We are on the last lap the home run and on the 8th November we will be "Investor Ready".

It's an interesting time as we will also be having a meeting next week with the whole team - which is a first I have to say.... Everyone in one room together for the first time in ages. It should be a good day as we will have completed the plans and everything. For my business partner and I it will be the culmination of quite a journey and we are celebrating by going off to a rock concert on the 8th :-) We need that.

I need that - I need to raise my game here. I will probably be OK in the morning but for now I just feel for my dad - all the crap he is going through and of course my mum and brother (and his family) who are dealing with it day to day. I don't think it was wrong to suggest that it would be nice for him to go to sleep after a nice day and then not to wake up - it may be better for him as it is just one thing after another at the moment. It will hurt like hell of course for us but you know you never want your loved ones to suffer and this, although he isn't in pain, is very painful. It's painful for me to hear about let alone for those who are there.

Back tomorrow

He's going through it my dad. Out again tomorrow and home this time they are sending him home with the tablets they should have sent him home with last time!! Come on guys wake up! It was just crazy that they didn't so he ended up back after 6 days. Now he will have his operation either Friday week or Saturday fortnight. The crazy thing is that they've left it too long to do minor surgery and now have to perform something far worse which means two weeks in hospital. That's serious stuff and just so annoying.

At least they managed to get the drippy nurse out of the way and get someone with a bit of gumption to sort out some useful information for mum today so she can feed dad properly and try and stop any more loss of weight as dad is now 3 stone lighter.

My brother sounds drained with the strain of it all - he doesn't do this stuff well and probably hasn't had to handle it quite at this level of intensity.

I actually feel very heavy about it tonight - first time since I heard he was ill that it's weighed this heavily on me. Not a lot I can do - of course I'm about to beat myself up about not being up there but once again what can I do?

Poor old chap

Dad's back in Hospital - came over all weak again this morning landed on the floor and couldn't get up so they got him to Hospital fast once again - this is the third or fourth time now for him and hopefully the hospital will get the message (as this is happening every week or so now) to operate and free things up. It's blindingly obvious that if he gets the operation he wont need to be in hospital - but they seem to be quite happy for this to keep going on which takes up a bed and rather than getting an operation over and done with to clear it up are fire fighting the situation.

At least they got him into hospital at the first sign not waiting for more than 24 hours to "see how it goes" There seems to be no pragmatism going on here - everyone moans about no beds and yet they are happy that dad will keep coming in for 5 or 6 day stretches and yet for one 5 day stretch they could get him off home and he wouldn't be back until things get much much worse.

I'll no doubt hear what is going on in the morning. Poor old fella - he's hardly been ill all his life - he sure is making up for it now.

Well that's the weekend gone

Dad is OK and managed to get a bath with the use of his new bath lift. He's keeping as well as can be expected and my conversation with mum wasn't a great one today. She was telling me how things were going to be in 6 months time. I have to say that it is with a heavy heart that I listened to that because she really didn't seem to want to be doing much and was talking about disconnecting the internet and stuff like that which means withdrawal not moving on. I suppose that's only to be expected but in a way I'd have thought she would want to have some time for herself and some "me" time.

They've always done things together and been together. Apart from dad working abroad and recently when he's been in hospital they've really been inseparable. I live a very different life to that and so does the whole of my household so I probably don't get it. Me, I'd be looking to slowly get back on my feet but also to taste what freedom could mean and to do something locally and get involved in something. Oh well - that time will come and I hope to convince her not to cut herself off from life and become all insular and inward looking.

On Saturday we were treated to a great talk by Captain Eric Moody about his brush with a Volcano whilst flying his 747. The ash was so bad that all 4 engines stopped at 37,000 feet and he glided down attempting to restart the engines. When he finally arrived they found that their cockpit windows were sand (or rather ash) blasted. Some information here he was a mesmerising speaker and it was as if you were up there with him. We overran the meeting by 30 minutes but time just flew by. So that was good.

Today I've wrestled with the Treasurer's figures but at least I know now that we are there or thereabouts and I just need to figure out why there are a couple of holes in the accounts and I should be there.

I feel I'm Always Whinging

And yet - today's whinge is just as crazy as normal - you can't make this stuff up! So my kid brother and I agree a few days ago that as I can get a wheelchair on loan that I should pursue that avenue of research. So I find out that I can have one - I've even seen it and Mrs. F. diverted over last night to pick it up. It's as he suggested to me, lightweight, comfortable, folds up and goes in the car. So I've ticked all the boxes, told him I am arranging to get it, that it wont cost anything and that I or one of the family will get it back to the house in the next 2 weeks!

Simple right? WRONG! So Mrs. F. gets it last night, I drop the boy an email which he responds by asking whether it is self propelled and will fit in a car. Where upon I respond by saying no I didn't listen to what you wanted - You didn't ask for self propelled you asked for light and goes in a car. of course it goes in a car how did you think we got it home, towed it with a pick up!!! He's a bloody amoeba sometimes - stupid sod!

So he then tells me that he's already got one and thanks anyway but can we take it back! What?

Please tell me it isn't me? I mean didn't I have the conversation, tell him I had it and was going to get it and take it up there hundreds of miles away, at my own expense etc! Anyway so that is what pissed me off today. I've now rearranged for the chair to go back - been made to look some kind of fool - yet again. I've a good mind to keep the chair and use it to put my brother in after I meet him next and explain my level of pissed offness with him :-)

As an alternative I'm thinking of getting an Alien Anal Probe and impaling him on it. What a JERK!

Urgh

"Do I not need that" as Gordon Taylor was heard to utter one day. It's been a horrid day really - I just didn't achieve much and that gets me annoyed that I've wasted some time. As it goes, I've done some work but not nearly enough. Soon I'm going to be twiddling my thumbs a bit as we await responses (or not) from investors. It is the final little bits and pieces of the documents that need that last polish, that last t crossed i dotted and so on.

We got to borrow a wheelchair from the local Masonic centre here which I can give to my brother to hold on to whilst dad isn't well and that will help if they need to transport him anywhere and he can't walk far. As it is at the moment he's pretty mobile and he's in good spirits and eating etc but he is sleeping a lot now during the day. Let's hope that he will be well enough to have this operation and keep well for a bit longer.

As for me - I'm a little worn down at the moment just wanting to get things to happen but I can't buck the process and we have to follow what we set out to do. I just could do with this next phase being over - it's the unknown again and that is unsettling.

The Good Samaritan

Well kind of - I had to go and help a friend out tonight and:

1. I'd quite forgotten what a terrible driver he is - he does frighten me when I'm in the car
2. I haven't done electrical work for many years - I used to be an electrician

So we get to his house and he doesn't have any sort of spare lights or flex and things so I had to do some improvising. I eventually found out that the decorators had put back the light fittings and it looks as if they've lost a neutral somewhere in the process which I couldn't find as I no longer have any meters to check out my findings - shame as he will have to call in an electrician to sort it out - at least we know what it is and hopefully they can find it - I only had a screw driver that told me if things were live or not and had to rig up a test lamp - which was when I realised what had happened.

A day of hard work tomorrow to sort out the business plan and to steady ourselves - we are both feeling "unloved" by the wider team. they all have jobs, are away on holiday or generally cannot sit down with us in the next few days to sort this lot out. It means, as I've already guessed - we will be on our own with this - we haven't had the support up until now and we shouldn't expect it in the near future until we get the investment. When we are talking money I'm sure that we will have more friends then but be just as or more isolated. It's the road we have to travel so might as well get used to it now :-)

Different People - Different Ways

Facebook has a way of making people use it seriously and by that I mean gushing out some inner moment of their soul or making some cringe worthy statement. I suppose you could say that about this blog as it is "out there" in the ether/internet. Mind you I certainly don't have this visible to everyone I know and I doubt it is seen my millions of people if at all.

So why publish stuff about my dad on Facebook FFS! It isn't as if it is worth saying its a load of tripe and sentimental bollocks generally and whilst I know my brother is a bit of a sentimental twat at times - this just re-enforces my view. It really is cringe making rubbish of the worst kind of sickly sweet sentimentality. If he feels like this he perhaps ought to go and tell dad - who would probably thwack him around the head and tell him to get a grip. I can't even re-print it as I want to vomit when I read it.

So that's my rant over - I at least managed to put up my own status near his which said "Get a sodding grip" which he may recognise for what it was meant to be :-)

Well

He is home and resting and on the list to get the operation done he should be high up the list as they say it is Head, Heart and Cancer in that order who get preference.

Me? I'm not beating myself up too much at the moment. Dad's home, all sounds settled again the business plan is almost complete, the list of investors is almost finished too and we've arrived at that point where we can send it out and see if anyone is interested.

In addition, some accounts that I've been struggling to sort out have been sorted out for me which is fantastic as they were in such a muddle that my head wouldn't work on how to sort them out - this friend who is an accountant and used to such things has applied his knowledge and experience and overnight done what it took 2 years for my predecessor not to do! This means we could get all the accounts sorted in days not months now. Pleased with that I have to say.

Home later today

As it is Tuesday already. Dad gets home for a while and will have the operation to relieve his bile duct and duodenum and hopefully that will free things up for a while and stop these infections and give him some quality of life. It will certainly assist in giving him a bit longer.

Me - well I'm beating myself up and then doing my Mr. Logic stuff you know - what's the point of going up to see my folks to be a taxi service or to sit in another room whilst he is asleep and just get in the way. sure I can do the support stuff but but do they really want that? I doubt it.

I'll probably continue to beat myself up regularly for a while.

In business terms someone observed that I was bouncing off the walls tonight - well the main reason for that is that the business plan is almost complete now. It just needs final tweaks and by the end of the week - my 18 months journey and that of my partner will be over - we will have investigated our business, done all our research, documented it all, reviewed competitors, built financial models and written our business plan - all we need to do is send it out and get the money :-) It is a cause for celebration and for us to take a well earned short breather. We will find out soon enough if we are barking mad or not! :-)

Progress continues

My brother keeps making sickly stupid comments on facebook which annoy the hell out of me but being as he is a little sensitive (although a big bloke you don't want to cross!) I find it unnecessary to public put this saccharin crap out but perhaps that's his way of coping. He won't hear of comments about dad dying or what will happen and somehow he's not taking on board what is coming down the track at us. I suppose that is his way of coping with it all.

I'm beating myself up about not being there even though I shouldn't and I'm not sure if I'm going to decide to go up again in the short term. To me, it doesn't make a lot of sense as I can't do anything and whilst I can physically be there - that in itself doesn't make it right either. The other thing is that in all honesty, I only ever used to see my folks once or twice a year anyway so I've been up there twice in two months which is like a whole year's worth of visiting already and I've certainly stayed more days than I normally would do as well :-)

Now that sounds just horrible doesn't it but it is so, I probably used to see my folks once every 2 months when they lived down this way especially when the children were young. But for ten years or more they've moved away to the country and it's been best endeavours - more so now as we are all busy people and don't have that much time to spare or to arrange for hotels and all the paraphernalia needed. I somehow wonder whether I sound like a cold hearted bastard when I say that and yet - I don't have that sort of close relationship with my folks that other people have. Me dad is very much like me in that respect and I talk to them twice a week and we are all very pleasant to each other but they've never been involved in my life, my family or anything to do with what I have done and I've been independent for many years so it comes as a surprise that the "done thing" is to go up to my parents a lot as I can't change things and can offer very little assistance - I can never be there at the right time to assist if he has to go into hospital - how would that work? I'd need to be a mind reader. Then there's the "I don't want to be a Vulture" either side of me. I'm sure that everyone's happy that I call and take an interest and offer but do they really want me there all the time or popping in and out? Let alone the cost associated with me going up there and staying at a Hotel. It just isn't practical and whilst I may beat myself up about it I have to be practical here - I have to try and get my business off the ground - that will give me a living and it very much looks as if by the time we get finance I will have self financed for 18 months. I need to get that reversed as soon as. I can't do that if I'm not around here. I can't keep splashing out on hotels and petrol if I'm only going to be sat around watching my dad sleep for that's roughly what it was.

It sounds like I'm some tough old nut who doesn't care - far from it - whilst I may have complained that no one ever came and saw me when I was ill I would have been a bit put out if they kept tipping up and hung around for a few days each time. By all means - turn up at significant moments but at the same time - realise that there needs to be a balance and for me the balance will have to be worked out on my terms.

Better

He's better - made the oncologists appointment which was good as the chap told him straight what his options were. This has now, today, made for a bit more sombre and reflective mood even still dad is still on a different planet every now and then he does now "get it" by which I mean he has realised that time is limited and if he is to escape the cycle of home and hospital every few days he must make a decision on having some surgery. It may just sort things out long enough for him to get some reasonable quality of life in his remaining time.

Mum and I had the "death" conversation today - my brother is a bit too squeamish and he's a bit more "sensitive" about it all than I am. I'm not saying I find it easy I just find it practical - it's what happens and there isn't much we can do about it either really - it will come to us all. So we've spoken about it and also in a way that dad was so poorly that at one stage if he hadn't woken it would have been acceptable. No one likes to see a loved one suffer but to see someone who has never really had any ill health suddenly struck down and to see the quizzical almost bemused look interspersed with fear and worry is not a good thing to observe.

Let's hope that he decides to take one of the remaining options - the Whipple is far too much of an operation - even though he may be fit enough - at 81 it really shouldn't have been tabled. If he takes one of the others he will be out of it for 3 or 4 days but hopefully it will give him a long period away from the hospital and a better quality of life in the time he has left with us.

As for me - well I'm doing the "guilt trip" every day and my brother is taking most of the strain of it all. I've argued with myself long and hard about this and I'm not getting any grief from mum or my brother at the moment - they know the score and so do I. If I was there I'd do my bit but they moved away from me and not vice versa so practically it's impossible for me to do much based this far away - spending time up there is expensive as I stay in Hotels and if there are all 4 of us - it racks up a shocking amount very quickly... Doesn't stop me thinking about it though even though I've been assured that I'm not expected to do all of this stuff.

The other question on my mind is how many times will I see my dad before he dies? It's a morbid question isn't it? I don't think it will be many if at all really. As sods law would have it I'm just entering the culmination of 18 months work (4 years if I really count back to the first time this was introduced). I've got meetings now that decide my future and that of my family and also my colleagues so timing is pretty rubbish at the moment too. Oh well - these things happen.

Not going to be a comfortable 24 hours

We don't know what's wrong with dad but he's hallucinating again and that's not good - he thinks I am there sitting next to him. He's very weak indeed and hasn't got out of surgical assessment despite being in there for 6 hours so far!!! Let's hope they see him soon and he gets into a ward and looked after overnight. He doesn't know where he is or who all these people are - I feel so bad for him and I hope he is out of it and not feeling scared etc.

It's terribly upsetting for my mum and my brother and sister in law who are actually with him. I have only seen a little bit of this of course and that was bad enough. Mum should have rung my brother 24 hours earlier but didn't want to put him out. Strewth I'd have come up if she'd have called me...

Oh well - I can't do anything - I have a meeting here tomorrow and I need to be up and ready for that. I hope that they sort him out and get him fixed up and comfortable though. These lapses and days when he doesn't know where he is are very worrying indeed - more for the impact they make on my brother and my mum as they have to deal with it.

Poor old Fella

Oh dear, dad's being taken into hospital once again poor chap - he just hasn't been well at all and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. He's really going through the mill isn't he? He wasn't right yesterday and thank goodness, mum saw the signs again and has decided to get him into hospital early this time.

I'm guessing they are going to have to make a decision now to do something but he is terribly weal but and I'm guessing that these episodes are caused by the tumour and swelling up inside - he just needs to get things sorted out and I know he won't have the major surgery but perhaps they can "do their best" on the minor invasive to see if they can rectify this problem and give him an opportunity to get some sort of respite.

I feel so sorry for him, he's hardly recovered from the last lot and he's back in again. It just isn't fair but I suppose it goes with the territory. He looks so frail and poorly it's such a shame.

Dad not good again

He's not in Hospital but his legs gave way underneath him and his limbs aren't working. His legs and arms are all weak he says and so mum's keeping an eye on him at the moment to make sure it isn't a recurrence of the infection - he doesn't need that.

Other than that he progress well I suppose - certainly better than a week ago but with this little problem it's not good news. Finally he has given in about the car and so that is one thing I suppose. I hope that this was done with good grace but I think even he must now acknowledge that in his present state he can't drive a car.

It's very sad to see him like he is now - I'm coming to terms with it I suppose now but it's hard work and I can only imagine that it is going to get worse from here on in. All plans are on hold and I'm being super cautious about what I'm going to be doing between now and Christmas as I'm pretty certain that I'll need to go up and see him again pretty soon. It looks as if A and Mrs. F. may be up there this weekend so it will be good if they can pop in to see him.

I liked this

"Picasso had affairs with most of his models. Although some tried to resist his charms, they found themselves strangely drawn."

I love stuff like this - it really is a great play on words.

Had a meeting tonight and enjoyed myself - had a guest of mine along who has turned out to be a good friend - we have very similar backgrounds and he's got a great sense of humour too. The one thing that I liked about tonight was the ability to just get a load off my chest without it going any further - friends listen to the sort of problems I'm having and just absorbing them and making them go away for me - that's nice and it helps a lot. I can have a good old whine about my dysfunctional family and come away with a problem shared is a problem halved sort of evening.

Mrs. F. Picked me up from the centre and one of my friends went and tried to wind her up with some funnies about me staying for one more drink - I think he may have been surprised by her resilience :-)

Here endeth the first lesson

It was nice to speak to some friends today and get a load of last week off of my chest. It's good that they know me and were able to just help me get rid of some of the annoyance of the week and hopefully to give me a bit of support that I did the right thing last week. I feel I should be up there a bit more often but I was like a spare part at a wedding really and I spent a lot of time just sitting in the Conservatory or hovering outside to get cool as my parent's house was like a boiler room :-)

At least I'm back home and on the case and can catch up on work.

I've not spoken to my parents today - I've suggested I go back to my Wednesday and Sunday calls (normal) and see how we get on from there.

On a more happy note

We are off soon to my father-in-law's 90th and my nephews 30th birthday party. It will be nice to get away for a short while from the impact of my father's illness. It has quite stirred up dark memories and bad feelings and stuff that I'd buried into the recesses of my mind.

At least work will keep me busy this coming week as we struggle to finish off the business plan and make some sense of it all. It looks great but needs a bit of polish and some fine words at the beginning to make it impact and enthuse the reader. We should heed Steve Job's words - our business intends to shoot holes in everything that you ever thought about the computer industry and disrupt 20 years of a lack of innovation or thought in the products being delivered.

Let's hope that it all goes to plan :-) I also hope that I get an uplifted afternoon - I certainly could do with a lift after the 4 days I've had.

Dealing with it all

It's pretty tough isn't it? I mean my dad has hardly been ill in his life and so all of this is just terrible for him as he never gets ill and when he gets something like a cold he shakes it off and he's back at things pretty quickly.

He can't understand why he can't do that now, why everything is so hard, why he has no energy, how come he's lost 2 1/2 stone in 3 months, how he can't eat as much as he used to, why he can't do things around the house and garden and so on. The car is driving everyone crazy - he hasn't got to that acceptance about not being able to drive it again - it has only been off the drive twice in 6 months. He isn't fit to drive, he doesn't have the strength nor does he have the wit to drive and frankly I'm not sure that the drugs he is on either are going to help him. I've suggested that he prove himself able to drive by walking to the shops and back. I doubt he could get to and from the drive and back at the moment - it frustrates him to walk from one end of the house to the other - I can see it and he isn't stable. He however doesn't see this, he just sees my brother, sister in law and mum telling him he can't drive. They have to reason with him and that's the problem - they are all happy to give advice and tell him what to do and treat him like some naughty kid and yet he hasn't lost his marbles and he isn't stupid either.

The trouble is that no one is thinking things through. I'm "Mr. Calm" and perhaps a bit too much of the ice man if I'm honest but I like to think that if I learnt nothing else being ill with bladder cancer, I'd know what it was like to have it and how best to deal with it. I certainly found being lectured at was not what I wanted to hear. I needed facts, figures, options, cause and effect, actions and outcomes etc. I was able to come to my decisions based on these, through my own reason and logic. In that way I decided that I wanted to live, to go ahead with treatment, to make a decision should things have gone badly about what treatment to have next, to decide which of those treatments would give me the best outcome and so on. Having someone tell me what I could and couldn't do would have been untenable to me.

So I managed to explain this to mum and brother and to also ask them to stop putting the pressure on - my brother especially who considers anything to be some sort of selfish act? Plonker! I mean if dad doesn't want major invasive surgery as it won't give him a good return on investment (you recuperate for 3 months if you are young) and dad may have 6 months to live I mean it's plain logic to me. Not to my brother who feels that he should go through all of this stuff (well he doesn't now as I've laid some heavy facts at his door to think about). I've also told him that I believe that HE is the one being selfish as it isn't his life to make decisions on and he is being emotional and irrational and not thinking things through.

He's bought guilt presents - a clarinet, harmonica and guitar for him - I mean what on earth is he going to do with those when he's got 6 months left to live and hardly enough breath to breathe properly? What were you thinking? The reason behind the clarinet and harmonica are that when we were children my father sold his to pay the bills and we both remember this. However, it's all a bit late now for that sort of gesture. Suddenly when I got there - everyone's buying birthday presents. We haven't done birthday presents for 10 if not 15 years as we only do Christmas. That necessitated me having to dash out and get a bottle of scotch for him - I hadn't planned anything. What were they thinking? Everyone seems to be going out of their way to say "HEY, you're dying!!"

I'm a cynic I know I am but I do find the way people deal with cancer is bizarre and this general ignorance about it is regrettable but you can understand why especially when you never hear of anyone passing away easily do you? They are always fighting or combating or battling cancer. They die after a short or long battle with cancer, bravely fought etc. You don't get a sword and shield or meet cancer on the battle field at all. It screws up your body and it grows inside you and takes over and weakens you and that is it. I can imagine that everyone is very upset - or course they are - but why should they suddenly change their relationship to you or treat you any different. I was probably more wary of my dad being tired out by me being there and told him to tell me to leave him be if it all got too much. We have pleasant conversations and we discuss lots of things - we are very similar in opinion, politics and shared a business relationship for many years but we don't talk regularly, we laugh and joke and we have fun but at the moment, dad's brain is lively enough but he can't play word cut and thrust for long and he can't do much for long. He isn't stupid though and that was what I tried to get over to everyone when I was there. Don't treat him like a kid even though he is acting a bit strange occasionally try and keep your voice normal and explain stuff in easy to digest facts.

So there you go - I'm pretty glad that I don't have to be up with my family for too long at a time. I feel that they all need to get a grip and to wake up and stop being patronising. Having said that to them, I hope they listen and I hope that they start to show a bit of respect to my dad, if nothing else he deserves to have that and he deserves to be listened to and he deserves to be given the facts and the arguments needed to back up an assertion like not driving the car. He can't see it because they've told him. No one has asked him, no one has reasoned with him. I know he can be as stubborn as hell (I have no idea where I get it from!!!) but start to do some reasoned logical argument and it will be indisputable - he'll have to come to the same opinion and if he starts getting illogical in his argument then it's blindingly obvious that there's something wrong and he may then start to see it.

Oh well - I'm hoping that they take my advice and just tone it all back and realise that he is just tired and weak not mentally retarded :-)